#1 No Contact Letter. After the affair is over, the Disloyaly Spouse (DS) can never, ever contact the Other Person (OP) again. In this first step, the DS writes a no contact letter and the Loyal Spouse (LS) sends it. This letter should not be a final “love letter” to the OP but rather should focus on stating the affair was wrong and firmly establishing the boundary of no contact WHATSOEVER! Please click this link for some sample No Contact Letters
#2 Turn over access. Both spouses need to be transparently honest with each other right now, so BOTH should share access to their online accounts like emails, Facebook, cellphone bills, etc. This makes both spouse’s accountable and gives them the chance to allow their spouse to see their true activities, thoughts and feelings. Plus it gives a chance to create trust by behaving in a trustworthy way and being able to verify it!
#3 Commit. Both of you need to resolve to actually work on your own issues and the marriage. Affairs do not happen in a vaccuum and that means both parties need to be willing to look themselves in the mirror and be honest–and then be willing to work on it! Each person is an individual and may have their own issues to work on … and sometimes those issues also overlap into issues in the marriage. So both have to be willing to put in the effort to grow, change, and do something different!
#4 End Love Extinguishers. If you think of the love in your marriage as a fire, both of you did actions that put out the flame of love! Identify what those actions were, where you were neglectful, and work to end those extinguishers. Both the husband and the wife should take the Love Extinguisher Questionnaire and then share it with each other so your spouse knows which specific things extinguished the fastest.
#5 Love Kindlers. If you think of the love in your marriage as a fire, you both used to do things that made the flame of love BLAZE–and gradually you stopped doing them. So identify what those actions are and start doing them again! Both the husband and the wife should take the Love Kindler Questionnaire and then share it so your spouse knows what really stokes your fire!
#6 Personality type. Some of the issues in your marriage and some of the miscommunication could be differing personality types. Are you an Introvert or Extrovert? Intuitive or Sensing? Thinker or Feeler? Perceiver or Judge? These type combinations can make a big difference in how you perceive things and how you communicate, so find out if some of your issues are just personality by taking this test: The Jung Myers-Briggs Personality test
#7 Love Languages. Different people say “I love you” in different ways. If you say love by changing her oil and filling the gas tank, she may be sitting at home wondering why you don’t spend time talking to her anymore–don’t you love her? To find out if you two are both showing the other that you love them but not doing it in their love language, here is a small test you can take: Love Languages Assessment