1. Not all intimacy is sex…not all sex is intimacy. Gal. 5:19 says “The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery.” People often use the word “intimacy” as a euphamism for sex, but really, having faithful sex with your spouse means that you know them intimately and love them anyway…and they know you intimately and love you anyway…and you express that affection and commitment in a physical way. Sex before marriage, sex outside of marriage, all the ways that the gift of sex can be misused…these are NOT intimacy.
2. I thought fidelity only meant “not having sex with someone else.” Actually it means a LOT more than that! Fidelity means giving 100% of your affection and loyalty to the one to whom it is due–your spouse. On your wedding day you made a commitment to give 100% to them and them alone and to forsake all others! So you can not give 25% of your affection to the fun guy at church or 10% of your loyalty to the man at work who treats you nice. ALL of it has to go to your spouse: mentally, emotionally, physically, financially.
3. Great sex isn’t about MY orgasm. Too often we think about sex in terms of “what do I get out of it?” We’ll tell our spouse, “I’m horny!” and if they aren’t, well an argument ensues because sex is focused on “what I want” or “what I get out of it.” I Cor. 13: 5 says: “[Love] ..is not self-seeking.” Great sex is me learning about my spouse and learning what pleases him and giving my body as the one sacred and holy place where he can meet his needs…and likewise he learns about me and what pleases me and gives himself as the one God-sanctioned place were I can meet my needs. The focus is not self-centered.
4. It’s hard to think that my withholding may increase my spouse’s temptation. Too often, one spouse has a higher drive and the other has a lower drive, and the one with the lower drive is so focused on controlling when sex occurs that they don’t stop to think that not only is the lack of sexual release going to increase the physical temptation…but it’s also going to increase the temptations to anger, to seeing things lustfully, etc. Not giving yourself to your spouse in a willing and loving way opens the door to sin. I Cor. 7:9 tells us “But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.” So rather than focusing on what I want (and when) I need to look at the ways my actions either HELP my spouse be faithful…or HINDER my spouse’s fidelity. If I am withholding or I am controlling when sex occurs, I need to examine myself in light of what God says about marital sex and change.
5. The truth is: everyone wants to feel like they’re “desired.” Your spouse has the option to be wanted by their spouse at home…or to look for it elsewhere. But I guarantee you, that neglecting your spouse at home and thinking “…oh s/he will never cheat” is like closing your eyes and thinking no one can see you. Yes, we all want to think the best of our spouse and believe they will uphold their Christian values..but when they are undesired and ignored at home, and someone at work or in their class WANTS them and is interested in them…the door to sin has been flung wide open. You want to be thought of as sexy and desirable, right? You want someone who will look at you and think “OO-LA-LA I want to hug and kiss him/her!” Well your spouse does too!
6. Acting like some parts of sex “are gross” communicates that being intimate with the person you love is gross. You know what? The sheets are going to get wrinkled and might get a stain or two, you may sweat, your love may sweat, bodily fluids are going to be exchanged. It happens! Part of being faithful means learning how to love everything about your spouse, including those stains and swapping spit. Song of Solomon 1:1 says “Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth—for your love is more delightful than wine.” If there are hygiene issues, talk to your spouse or maybe have some foreplay in the shower/tub! But learn how to think of your lover as “more delightful than wine.”
7. Don’t be the kind of wife who has to be rested, have flowers, have no stress, have the room perfect, have the right lighting, and have the planets aligned correctly before you’ll be “in the mood.” For myself, I do like getting poems, having a song dedicated to me, or a little candlelight and incense…but I’ve learned that all those things are not always going to happen every time! I’ve learned to be in the frame of mind that’s always WILLING to get in the mood. “Oh? You wanna? Well I’d be willing to let you convince this is a good time!” LOL
8. For your kids to learn what faithfulness truly means, they need to see you modeling fidelity to their dad. If your children see you flirting with guys at work, they’ll learn that flirting outside of marriage is “just their personality!” If your children see you turning to others to have your needs met, they will learn it’s okay for them to turn to others outside their marriage. If your kids see you hiding your cell phone and laptop from your spouse, they will learn that it’s okay to keep secrets from their spouse. If your children hear that “mommy and daddy are getting a divorce because we didn’t get along,” they will learn that if they don’t get along with people, they can just toss them aside.
9. I didn’t realize that faithfulness meant I had to let my spouse see the True Me. I thought everyone deserved some privacy and I could keep some things “to myself” so I wouldn’t hurt him. But fidelity does not mean never, ever hurting my spouse or never, ever making him made. It means being so open and honest with my spouse that I am see-through to him, and he can see my thoughts and my feelings. It means SHARING who I am–the True Me–with my spouse. It means not keeping any secrets and including him in every aspect of my life.
10. Life is going to throw you some curves, and you’re going to think: “I did not sign up for this!” but in your vows you made a promise to spend the rest of your life loving your spouse. That means you stood before God and said that whatever life slings at you, you made a covenant to study your spouse and learn how to act toward them in a loving way. Actually….you DID sign up for this!
10 Confessions of Wife Who Loves Sex by Julie Sibert of Intimacy in Marriage
Confessions of a Sex Happy Wife by J of Hot, Holy and Humorous
10 Confessions from a Sex-Positive Wife by Lori of The Generous Wife
10 Confessions of Another Sex-Positive Wife by Kate of One Flesh Marriage
Sex Positive Voices from Megan of Do Not Disturb
10 Confessions of Another Sex-Happy Wife from Alecia of Marriage Life
10 Confessions of a Sex-lovin Wife from Erin of Mystery32
Wifey Sex Confessions from Elizabeth of Warrior Wives
10 Confessions of Another Sex-Positive Wife from Valerie of Mission:Wife
10 Confessions of a Sex Positive Husband from Brad of One Flesh Marriage
Confessions of My Sexy and Sex-Happy Hubby from Mr. Hot, Holy and Humorous, aka Spock
Sex Positive Voices: Part II from Justin of Do Not Disturb
Confessions of the husband of a sex positive wife from Paul of The Generous Husband