We are continuing our month-long “Back to School–Back to Basics” series and this week we’ll be going over the seven Love Kindlers. To understand what a Love Kindler is, you could read the Basic Concepts article to get a more indepth explanation. Briefly, to help you envision the idea, think of your marriage like a campfire. There are actions that can quench the fire of love, and those actions are Love Extinguishers. BUT there are also actions that stoke the fire of love and make it hotter–those are Love Kindlers. When you make the decision to love, you choose to act in a way that is likely to kindle feelings of interest and passion; so you decide to act in a Love Kindling way.
Today the third Love Kindler to stoke the blaze of passion and love in your marriage today is: Financial Commitment! Financial Commitment is meeting your spouse’s monetary needs:
- Providing financially for the family and children
- Able to pay monthly bills
- Living a lifestyle that’s mutually acceptable to both of you
- Contributing to family income
- Contributing to paying off family debt
- Able to plan for future financial stability
- Living by a budget
It’s a perpetual debate really: women say that “men only want me for my looks (or my body)” and men say that “women only want me for my wallet.” The funny thing is…both sides are correct, and neither side is shallow because of it. People do “fall-in-love,” and the blaze of love keeps burning brightly, when the things that kindled the love in the first place are ongoing. So for example, when he was young and looking for a girl, chances are good he was looking for someone whom he thought was attractive: with pretty hair, nice eyes, a warm smile, make up that made her look even more pretty, a clean body with a good smell, and clothing that fit well and complimented her figure! But likewise, when she was young and pretty and looking for a nice young man, part of what attracted her to a certain fella was the fact that he was able to “pay for the date” or get her gifts. She may have considered whether he was training in a profession that would likely provide some security for her and whatever family they might choose to have as a couple. The idea that she and her children would likely be secure was PART of what made her “fall in love” with that very young, nerdy guy!
In the same way that it’s not shallow for a husband to want his wife to stay attractive, dress well, keep herself clean and physically fit…it is not shallow for a wife to want her husband to keep their family FINANCIALLY fit, living a lifestyle to which they agree, not put them into debt and financial ruin. And it is just as reasonable for a husband to want his wife to contribute financially, either by working herself OR by living within a budget, not overspending, not living beyond their means, and managing the household in a way that is appropriate to their financial reality!
The classic financial collision occurs when the wife is complaining about needing more money and overspending–that is to say, she is living beyond their means and demanding more, More, MORE—but then also complaining that he is always at work and never spends any time with her. Ladies, here it is in a nutshell: if you want him to spend more time with you that is absolutely reasonable, but … that means he will be working LESS, and you are going to have to discipline yourself to live WITHIN THE BUDGET! You’ll have to do “without” the dinners out and the trips/vacations…but the payoff is that he will be there with you paying attention and enjoying your company. So which is worth more to you? Pick ONE and then be content with the consequence of your choice.
Likewise, if your wife met and fell in love with you because you were a decent, middle-management, white-collar kind of guy…then don’t be surprised when her love dies QUICKLY when you are unemployed and for three years don’t even look for a job and don’t contribute to the household! The economy is rough these days, and not everyone who loses a job finds one right away, even if they look every day and look hard! But if you sit around in your sweats and play Xbox all day, don’t care for the children, and let the household chores go ignored while she has to “do it all”–you are setting your marriage up for destruction, and it’s because of a lack of Financial Commitment.
Over this month, we will be going “Back to School” by going over all our Basic Concepts. This week we will examine the Love Kindlers–next week the Love Extinguishers. During the third week of September we’ll look at the Seven Steps to End an Affair, and for the last week of the month, we’ll review the Seven Steps to Rebuilding After an Affair. We hope you’ll join us on this journey to get “Back to the Basics”!!
- Back to Basics – Love Kindlers #3 Physical Commitment (affaircare.com)
- Back to Basics – Love Kindlers #2 Spiritual Commitment (affaircare.com)
- Back to Basics – Love Kindlers #1 Emotional Commitment (affaircare.com)