Monthly Archives: September 2012

…A hospital is no place to be sick!

Wow, sorry for that little blog break.  My Dear Hubby and I went to the Emergency Room last Tuesday, and little did I know it would turn into a week-long adventure in hospital navigation!

Just so you know, he’s okay.  He walked into the ER feeling pretty bad, and he could BARELY breathe–it was as if he was gasping for breath after just a few steps–so we went just to have it checked out.  It turns out his blood pressure was so high that he should have been having a stroke right then and there!  So he was admitted.  They gave him medications to control his blood pressure, so that is much better now.  And we did find out that he has a very healthy heart, he is not diabetic, there is no kidney damage, and he doesn’t have any nodules or nodes or things on his lungs.  The less great news is that he has COPD caused by a mix of genetic predisposition, breathing fiberglass as a younger man in a factory, chronic asthma, and a very long-term chronic bronchitis.

I do realize that his diagnosis and prognosis are kind of personal, but I choose to share because it was quite an ordeal.  I thought it might be relevant to the future of this blog and site.  But mainly this hospital visit taught me a few things:

  • “In EVERYTHING give thanks, for this is the will of God in christ Jesus concerning you.”
  • Spend time every single day telling your spouse you love them because it honestly may be the last day they are with you
  • In times of trouble, there are friends who love my Dear Hubby and I whom I can turn to, and that is very comforting to know
  • Our pastor and our church are GREAT!  We love them!
  • If something is a priority…spend time doing it.

Soooo…I’ll be back to the Love Extinguisher series in a bit, maybe even later today, but for right now I’m going to enjoy being HOME (and not in the hospital), I’m going to be present in the present and sip some coffee with Dear Hubby, and I’m going to Praise God for His kindness toward us.

Back to Basics–Love Extinguisher #2 Spiritual Neglect

Today is the start of the second series of our month-long “Back to School–Back to Basics.”  This week we’ll be going over the seven Love Extinguishers.  To understand what a Love Extinguisher is, you could read the Basic Concepts article to get a more indepth explanation.  Briefly, to help you envision the idea, think of your marriage like a campfire. There are actions that can quench the fire of love, and those actions are Love Extinguishers.  BUT there are also actions that stoke the fire of love and make it hotter–those are Love Kindlers.  When you make the decision to love, you choose to act in a way that is likely to kindle feelings of interest and passion; so you decide to act in a Love Kindling way.  When you get married and do not make diligent efforts to keep stoking the fire, life, bills, and children intervene and you begin to gradually take your spouse for granted and act in a Love Extinguishing way.

Today, we look at the second behavior that can put out the fire of love:  Spiritual Neglect!    This extinguisher involves disregarding your spouse’s spiritual and religious needs and in fact inflicting moral harm by becoming the sort of spouse who:

  • Will Not Forgive–Everyone makes mistakes, some bigger than others, but when your spouse does something painful and sincerely regrets their error -AND- changes the way they think and act… it is spiritually neglectful to continue to hold it against them and refuse to grant them forgiveness.  Showing mercy is a virtuous trait–holding onto wrongs as a punishment is a Love Extinguisher.
  • Lacks Personal Transparency–When you marry your spouse, you volunteer to share yourself and your life intimately with another person.  That means that you would keep yourself, your thoughts and your feelings “See Through” so that you allow your spouse to see the True You.  When you hide your activities, motives, intentions, thoughts and feelings from your spouse, you are extinguishing the fire of love by lying to them.
  • Uses Smoke and Mirrors (Deflection)–As mentioned above, we do all make mistakes (even you, dear reader, and even me), but a spouse who uses deflection does something wrong, either purposely or unintentionally, and then rather than taking personal responsibility, they justify their bad behavior by deflecting attention to something their spouse did.  Even if your spouse did do something wrong, their bad behavior doesn’t justify YOU acting badly!  When you look at the toothpick in your spouse’s eye rather than dealing with the log in your own eye, you are harming them spiritually and extinguishing the fires of love in your marriage.
  • Engages in Disrespectful Judgments–Let’s face it, just as we all make mistakes, we also all occasionally make a judgment about someone.  BUT engaging in disrespectful judgments in your marriage means that you think that you “already know” what your spouse thinks or feels, that you disallow their ideas or preferences as if they are “less legitimate” than yours, that you discount their abilities or their intelligence or their expertise because “you know better.”  In short, we try to make a demand in the form of telling our spouse they have some shortcoming!  UGH!  This clearly puts out any blaze of passion in a loving marriage.
  • Disregarding your spouse’s spiritual life–In this  category are acts such as disparaging your spouse for having a different belief system than you do, not being a spiritual leader or forcefully taking over leadership that is not yours, or discouraging them from regular worship or prayer.  If your spouse is not a christian, we have been told to win them with our godly behavior, not but extinguishing the love in our marriages by teasing, degrading, and neglecting them.

In a summary, we are told in I Corinthians 13 about the traits of godly Love: “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  Love never fails.

Over this month, we will be going “Back to School” by going over all our Basic Concepts.   Last week we examined the Love Kindlers–this week the Love Extinguishers.  During the third week of September we’ll look at the Seven Steps to End an Affair, and for the last week of the month, we’ll review the Seven Steps to Rebuilding After an Affair.  We hope you’ll join us on this journey to get “Back to the Basics”!!

The Alabaster Jar

Back to Basics–Love Extinguisher #1 Emotional Neglect

Today is the start of the second series of our month-long “Back to School–Back to Basics.”  This week we’ll be going over the seven Love Extinguishers.  To understand what a Love Extinguisher is, you could read the Basic Concepts article to get a more indepth explanation.  Briefly, to help you envision the idea, think of your marriage like a campfire. There are actions that can quench the fire of love, and those actions are Love Extinguishers.  BUT there are also actions that stoke the fire of love and make it hotter–those are Love Kindlers.  When you make the decision to love, you choose to act in a way that is likely to kindle feelings of interest and passion; so you decide to act in a Love Kindling way.  When you get married and do not make diligent efforts to keep stoking the fire, life, bills, and children intervene and you begin to gradually take your spouse for granted and act in a Love Extinguishing way.

Today, we look at the first behavior that can put out the fire of love:  Emotional Neglect!   This extinguisher involves disregarding your spouse’s emotional needs and in fact inflicting emotional harm by becoming the sort of spouse who is a:

  • Scorekeeper–Do you keep a record of every past “sin” you spouse has ever committed against you…and never let them forget it?  Do you keep track of who does more household chores, who’s turn is it, or who did it last?  If these sound like you, you may be slowly draining the love out of your marriage by keeping track of the “score” in your relationship.
  • Fault Finder–Does he load the dishwasher wrong?  Does he put the diapers on wrong? Does she drive the car wrong?  Does she mow the grass wrong?  Do you pick your partner to death wanting them to do a certain thing…and then when they do it, tell them every little thing they did “wrong” because they didn’t do it your way?  Then you are a fault finder, and you find are not so slowly draining the love out of your spouse’s heart.   Their way is JUST as legitimate as  your way!
  • Controlling–This one is a hard one to define, but let’s put it this way: is your spouse free to say “no” and not be punished for the rest of the marriage?  Is your spouse viewed as an equal partner who’s opinion and preferences are just as valid as your own?  Do you try to “MAKE” your spouse do something by manipulating them, what they know, their schedule, who they “can or can not” talk to,  or what they “can or can not” do?    If you are trying to force your spouse to do things they do not want to do, or do not view your spouse with exactly the same power as you have in your marriage, then you may be “controlling” and you may be putting out the fire of passion in their heart.
  • Bottomless Pit–Are you so continuously NEEDY for emotional support or approval or reassurance that you are clingy and strangling your partner, emotionally?  Do you lack self-love and force your partner to “say it ” or “prove their love” over and over even though they already HAVE proven their commitment?  Or alternatively, do you ask your spouse to give and give and give and give…and never think of their needs?  Have you heard your spouse say “enough is never enough” and no matter what they do, they never ever please you or make you happy?  Then you are a Bottomless Pit and that kind of behavior is going to extinguish the love in your marriage.

Over this month, we will be going “Back to School” by going over all our Basic Concepts.   Last week we examined the Love Kindlers–this week the Love Extinguishers.  During the third week of September we’ll look at the Seven Steps to End an Affair, and for the last week of the month, we’ll review the Seven Steps to Rebuilding After an Affair.  We hope you’ll join us on this journey to get “Back to the Basics”!!

Back to Basics–Love Kindlers #7 Security Commitment ~AND~ Save Our Marriage Saturday

We are continuing our month-long “Back to School–Back to Basics” series and this week we’ll be going over the seven Love Kindlers.  To understand what a Love Kindler is, you could read the Basic Concepts article to get a more indepth explanation.  Briefly, to help you envision the idea, think of your marriage like a campfire. There are actions that can quench the fire of love, and those actions are Love Extinguishers.  BUT there are also actions that stoke the fire of love and make it hotter–those are Love Kindlers.  When you make the decision to love, you choose to act in a way that is likely to kindle feelings of interest and passion; so you decide to act in a Love Kindling way.

Today the third Love Kindler to stoke the blaze of passion and love in your marriage today  is:  Social Commitment!   Security commitment is meeting your spouse’s needs such as:

  • Supporting your spouse in times of crisis
  • Turning to your spouse when you have a crisis
  • Standing by your spouse
  • Being loyal and committed to the marriage first
  • Presenting a united front
  • Making sure the relationship is secure
  • Being “a soft place” for your spouse to fall–a safe haven

Over this month, we will be going “Back to School” by going over all our Basic Concepts.   This week we will examine the Love Kindlers–next week the Love Extinguishers.  During the third week of September we’ll look at the Seven Steps to End an Affair, and for the last week of the month, we’ll review the Seven Steps to Rebuilding After an Affair.  We hope you’ll join us on this journey to get “Back to the Basics”!!

Today is also  Save Our Marriage Saturday.

We have a tradition here at Affaircare. We call it “Save Our Marriage Saturday”–and we’re sharing the love.  Link-love that is!  Every Saturday we hold a link-up party so you can share a post of your own and we can all help each other to save our marriages!

Please share your post on any and all things related to saving your marriage after an affair, reconciling after you committed adultery, recovering your marriage after finding out that your spouse cheated, or keeping your marriage affair-free!

1. Please link to your actual “Save Our Marriage Saturday” post, not just the address to your blog or site home page.

2. Please leave me a comment–I would love to visit your site, return the favor, and follow you!

3. Please share the love with your fellow bloggers–Read and leave a comment on at least the two blogs above yours.

4. Please help me spread the word. Let’s create a community of Christian believers who want to bring glory to God by teaching our brothers and sisters about how to have a godly marriage, how to avoid the typical traps that lead to infidelity, and how to be a living testimony of forgiveness and reconciliation if one spouse is unfaithful.

5. Link back to this community, either by using the button below or a text link. You can find the button code here for you to insert in your post:

HTML CODE:



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I LINK TO THESE GODLY LINK-UPS:
Beholding Glory’s Blog Hop List, No Ordinary Blog Hop: Family-Parenting-Marriage, The Alabaster Jar-Marital Oneness Mondays, Revive Your Marriage Mondays, Time-Warp Wife-Titus 2sdays, …to Love, Honor and Vacuum–Wifey Wednesdays, Unveiled Wives Wednesdays, Grace Alone/Women Taking a Stand–Thankful Thursdays, and Beholding Glory–Faith Filled Fridays.

Back to Basics–Love Kindlers #6 Social Commitment


We are continuing our month-long “Back to School–Back to Basics” series and this week we’ll be going over the seven Love Kindlers.  To understand what a Love Kindler is, you could read the Basic Concepts article to get a more indepth explanation.  Briefly, to help you envision the idea, think of your marriage like a campfire. There are actions that can quench the fire of love, and those actions are Love Extinguishers.  BUT there are also actions that stoke the fire of love and make it hotter–those are Love Kindlers.  When you make the decision to love, you choose to act in a way that is likely to kindle feelings of interest and passion; so you decide to act in a Love Kindling way.

Today the third Love Kindler to stoke the blaze of passion and love in your marriage today  is:  Social Commitment!  Social Commitment is meeting your spouse’s social needs, such as:

  • Including your spouse in your social activities
  • Encouraging your spouse’s social life
  • Sharing fun recreational activities together
  • Sharing joy and laughter
  • Publicly expressing affection
  • Spending free time with each other
  • Offering personal free time
  • Being your companion
  • Engaging in conversation about topics you find interesting
  • Expressing interest and caring by listening well

Over this month, we will be going “Back to School” by going over all our Basic Concepts.   This week we will examine the Love Kindlers–next week the Love Extinguishers.  During the third week of September we’ll look at the Seven Steps to End an Affair, and for the last week of the month, we’ll review the Seven Steps to Rebuilding After an Affair.  We hope you’ll join us on this journey to get “Back to the Basics”!!

Beholding Glory

Back to Basics–Love Kindlers #5 Family Commitment

We are continuing our month-long “Back to School–Back to Basics” series and this week we’ll be going over the seven Love Kindlers.  To understand what a Love Kindler is, you could read the Basic Concepts article to get a more indepth explanation.  Briefly, to help you envision the idea, think of your marriage like a campfire. There are actions that can quench the fire of love, and those actions are Love Extinguishers.  BUT there are also actions that stoke the fire of love and make it hotter–those are Love Kindlers.  When you make the decision to love, you choose to act in a way that is likely to kindle feelings of interest and passion; so you decide to act in a Love Kindling way.

Today the third Love Kindler to stoke the blaze of passion and love in your marriage today  is:  Family Commitment!   Family Commitment is meeting your spouse’s needs for:

Over this month, we will be going “Back to School” by going over all our Basic Concepts.   This week we will examine the Love Kindlers–next week the Love Extinguishers.  During the third week of September we’ll look at the Seven Steps to End an Affair, and for the last week of the month, we’ll review the Seven Steps to Rebuilding After an Affair.  We hope you’ll join us on this journey to get “Back to the Basics”!!

Back to Basics–Love Kindlers #4 Financial Commitment

We are continuing our month-long “Back to School–Back to Basics” series and this week we’ll be going over the seven Love Kindlers.  To understand what a Love Kindler is, you could read the Basic Concepts article to get a more indepth explanation.  Briefly, to help you envision the idea, think of your marriage like a campfire. There are actions that can quench the fire of love, and those actions are Love Extinguishers.  BUT there are also actions that stoke the fire of love and make it hotter–those are Love Kindlers.  When you make the decision to love, you choose to act in a way that is likely to kindle feelings of interest and passion; so you decide to act in a Love Kindling way.

Today the third Love Kindler to stoke the blaze of passion and love in your marriage today  is:  Financial Commitment!  Financial Commitment is meeting your spouse’s monetary needs:

  • Providing financially for the family and children
  • Able to pay monthly bills
  • Living a lifestyle that’s mutually acceptable to both of you
  • Contributing to family income
  • Contributing to paying off family debt
  • Able to plan for future financial stability
  • Living by a budget

It’s a perpetual debate really: women say that “men only want me for my looks (or my body)” and men say that “women only want me for my wallet.”  The funny thing is…both sides are correct, and neither side is shallow because of it.  People do “fall-in-love,” and the blaze of love keeps burning brightly, when the things that kindled the love in the first place are ongoing.  So for example, when he was young and looking for a girl, chances are good he was looking for someone whom he thought was attractive: with pretty hair, nice eyes, a warm smile, make up that made her look even more pretty, a clean body with a good smell, and clothing that fit well and complimented her figure!  But likewise, when she was young and pretty and looking for a nice young man, part of what attracted her to a certain fella was the fact that he was able to “pay for the date” or get her gifts.  She may have considered whether he was training in a profession that would likely provide some security for her and whatever family they might choose to have as a couple.  The idea that she and her children would likely be secure was PART of what made her “fall in love” with that very young, nerdy guy!

In the same way that it’s not shallow for a husband to want his wife to stay attractive, dress well, keep herself clean and physically fit…it is not shallow for a wife to want her husband to keep their family FINANCIALLY fit, living a lifestyle to which they agree, not put them into debt and financial ruin.  And it is just as reasonable for a husband to want his wife to contribute financially, either by working herself OR by living within a budget, not overspending, not living beyond their means, and managing the household in a way that is appropriate to their financial reality!

The classic financial collision occurs when the wife is complaining about needing more money and overspending–that is to say, she is living beyond their means and demanding more, More, MORE—but then also complaining that he is always at work and never spends any time with her.  Ladies, here it is in a nutshell: if you want him to spend more time with you that is absolutely reasonable, but … that means he will be working LESS, and you are going to have to discipline yourself to live WITHIN THE BUDGET!  You’ll have to do “without” the dinners out and the trips/vacations…but the payoff is that he will be there with you paying attention and enjoying your company.  So which is worth more to you?  Pick ONE and then be content with the consequence of your choice.

Likewise, if your wife met and fell in love with you because you were a decent, middle-management, white-collar kind of guy…then don’t be surprised when her love dies QUICKLY when you are unemployed and for three years don’t even look for a job and don’t contribute to the household!  The economy is rough these days, and not everyone who loses a job finds one right away, even if they look every day and look hard!  But if you sit around in your sweats and play Xbox all day, don’t care for the children, and let the household chores go ignored while she has to “do it all”–you are setting your marriage up for destruction, and it’s because of a lack of Financial Commitment.

Over this month, we will be going “Back to School” by going over all our Basic Concepts.   This week we will examine the Love Kindlers–next week the Love Extinguishers.  During the third week of September we’ll look at the Seven Steps to End an Affair, and for the last week of the month, we’ll review the Seven Steps to Rebuilding After an Affair.  We hope you’ll join us on this journey to get “Back to the Basics”!!

Back to Basics–Love Kindlers #3 Physical Commitment

We are continuing our month-long “Back to School–Back to Basics” series and this week we’ll be going over the seven Love Kindlers.  To understand what a Love Kindler is, you could read the Basic Concepts article to get a more indepth explanation.  Briefly, to help you envision the idea, think of your marriage like a campfire. There are actions that can quench the fire of love, and those actions are Love Extinguishers.  BUT there are also actions that stoke the fire of love and make it hotter–those are Love Kindlers.  When you make the decision to love, you choose to act in a way that is likely to kindle feelings of interest and passion; so you decide to act in a Love Kindling way.

Today the third Love Kindler to stoke the blaze of passion and love in your marriage today  is:  Physical Commitment!  Physical Commitment is meeting your spouse’s needs:

  • To be touched regularly and in a way they enjoy
  • To be kissed regularly and in a way they enjoy
  • To be hugged regularly and in a way they enjoy
  • To have physical tenderness expressed, like by holding hands or cuddling
  • For a sex life that is fulfilling for both of you
  • To be physically attracted to you

When people talk about the Physical Commitment of marriage, they often think of sex, and that’s understandable because that topic is so prevalent in our society.   But there is so much more to Physical Commitment than just physical intimacy!!   Of course, one major issue that marriages can have is one spouse with a higher sex drive and one with a lower sex drive.  No two people are ever exactly the same, and sometimes our attitudes about sex and/or the physical release and pleasure that comes with sex can be deeply affected by events in our pasts.  HOWEVER, the one moral place of God-sanctioned, sacred sexuality is within a marriage commitment!!  So if you are using sex as a weapon to control your spouse, or you are withholding sex as a punishment for not doing what you want, you are denying your spouse the one legitimate place to enjoy their God-given sexuality.

As I mentioned, though, Physical Commitment is so much more than just sex.  Marriage is a commitment for life, and as life goes on and a couple ages, the hormones that drive sexuality decrease–this is natural.  It happens to everyone.  So Physical Commitment also encompasses being dedicated to giving your spouse positive physical touches (like hugs and kisses) and affectionate touches that are not related to sex.  Beyond that, as our bodies age, there is the Physical Commitment of caring for your spouse’s body: helping with medical care, encouraging them to lose weight or exercise, helping them to eat foods that are physically beneficial by preparing wholesome meals, and doing what you can to care for them physically such as providing massages.  Part of the fidelity of marriage is choosing to act in a way that benefits your spouse physically.

Over this month, we will be going “Back to School” by going over all our Basic Concepts.   This week we will examine the Love Kindlers–next week the Love Extinguishers.  During the third week of September we’ll look at the Seven Steps to End an Affair, and for the last week of the month, we’ll review the Seven Steps to Rebuilding After an Affair.  We hope you’ll join us on this journey to get “Back to the Basics”!!

Back to Basics–Love Kindlers #2 Spiritual Commitment

Today we are continuing our month-long “Back to School–Back to Basics” series and this week we’ll be going over the seven Love Kindlers.  To understand what a Love Kindler is, you could read the Basic Concepts article to get a more indepth explanation.  Briefly, to help you envision the idea, think of your marriage like a campfire. There are actions that can quench the fire of love, and those actions are Love Extinguishers.  BUT there are also actions that stoke the fire of love and make it hotter–those are Love Kindlers.  When you make the decision to love, you choose to act in a way that is likely to kindle feelings of interest and passion; so you decide to act in a Love Kindling way.

Today, to stoke the blaze of passion and love in your marriage today, the second Love Kindler is:  Spiritual Commitment!  

  • Offering your spouse forgiveness
  • Supporting your spouse’s spiritual values
  • Having a shared spiritual life
  • Respecting your spouse’s beliefs
  • Living a personally transparent, moral life

The “spiritual” part of this kindler has to do with your spiritual lives as a couple and as a family.  As you know, here are Affaircare we are Christian Nouthetic counselors, so we do take a distinctly Christian view on what spirituality is and what that means in your marriage.  Thus, to be spiritually committed to your spouse means that you recognize that BOTH of you are forgiven sinners.  You hope for some degree of mercy and forgiveness when you are less-than-perfect, and so does your spouse.  But on an even deeper level, spiritual commitment means that you care about the spiritual life of your spouse enough that you will encourage them to grow in their relationship to God, encourage them to read the Bible regularly, encourage them to pray personally and with you, encourage them to attend church and edify the Body of Christ, and encourage your spouse to live a life that is pleasing to and obedient to God!   If you are a husband, you will love your wife as Christ loved the Church and gave himself for her and you will lead your wife and your family in a godly way.  If you are a wife, you will respect your husband as the one with god-appointed authority in your relationship and submit to him as we, The Church, submit to Christ, our Lord.

Over this month, we will be going “Back to School” by going over all our Basic Concepts.   This week we will examine the Love Kindlers–next week the Love Extinguishers.  During the third week of September we’ll look at the Seven Steps to End an Affair, and for the last week of the month, we’ll review the Seven Steps to Rebuilding After an Affair.  We hope you’ll join us on this journey to get “Back to the Basics”!!

The Alabaster Jar

Back to Basics–Love Kindlers #1 Emotional Commitment

Today is the start of our month-long “Back to School–Back to Basics” series and this week we’ll be going over the seven Love Kindlers.  To understand what a Love Kindler is, you could read the Basic Concepts article to get a more indepth explanation.  Briefly, to help you envision the idea, think of your marriage like a campfire. There are actions that can quench the fire of love, and those actions are Love Extinguishers.  BUT there are also actions that stoke the fire of love and make it hotter–those are Love Kindlers.  When you make the decision to love, you choose to act in a way that is likely to kindle feelings of interest and passion; so you decide to act in a Love Kindling way.

Today, stoke the blaze of passion and love in your marriage today, the first Love Kindler is:  Emotional Commitment!  This kindler involves meeting your spouse’s need to be:

  • Loved–handled with their best interests in mind; with deep affection and loyalty.
  • Valued–considered to be important and very precious.
  • Respected–admired deeply as a result of their qualities.
  • Trusted–having their reliability, truth, and ability believed.*
  • Accepted–fully known and  still viewed with approval and favor.
  • Appreciated–their quality, significance, and regard are recognized.
  • Treated with Affection–behaved toward with gentle feelings of fondness, care and devotion.
  • Admired–regarded  with respect and warm approval; looked at with pleasure.
  • Understood–take the time to know them, accept them for who they are, and learn all about them!

At first glance this can seem like quite a daunting task, but let me simply this kindler for you.  Remember when you first met your spouse?  Maybe not right away, but gradually as time went by you began to think of them, and when you did…you smiled.  Thoughts of them were positive.  You LIKED them.  You enjoyed their company and thought spending time focusing on them was valuable.  You thought of them highly and appreciated the little things they did for you.  You didn’t want them to change or be who they weren’t because you found them valuable and interesting.  THAT is the “Emotional” part of Love Kindler #1 Emotional Commitment.

The “Commitment” part of Love Kindler #1 Emotional Commitment is that as married people we have made a promise to our spouse.  We promised to love them through the ups and downs of whatever life threw at us, and we all know that life does throw us some curveballs!  So when you are thinking to yourself: “I did not sign up for this!  I did not marry a man (or a woman) who….” I say stop right there.  Yes you did.  You made a covenant before your families and God to love this person through ALL the circumstances of life…not just for “better, richer, and health”!  You made a vow–which is a COMMITMENT– love and honor your spouse and forsake all others even through “better OR WORSE…richer OR POORER…SICKNESS and health.”  So the “Commitment” part of Love Kindler #1 Emotional Commitment is to honor that promise.  Learn about your spouse and what “loving” means to them. Treat them in a way that thinks of what THEY need…not what’s in it for you.  And take the time to love, value, respect, trust*, accept, appreciate, admire, understand and treat them with affection!

Over this month, we will be going “Back to School” by going over all our Basic Concepts.   This week we will examine the Love Kindlers–next week the Love Extinguishers.  During the third week of September we’ll look at the Seven Steps to End an Affair, and for the last week of the month, we’ll review the Seven Steps to Rebuilding After an Affair.  We hope you’ll join us on this journey to get “Back to the Basics”!!

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* A note about trust.  When I use that word here, I do not mean “blind trust.”  I mean trusting a person when they are trust worthy–when their words and actions match and when they have behaved in a way that is worthy of believing in them.  When a spouse is lying, and when they are not acting in a way that is worthy of trust, it is naive to “trust” them and verging on denial! 

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