Before you cheat… 14 things you need to know.

This article is so good, I am reblogging it here, word for word.  The original author is Rod Arters, and his blog is “The Official blog of Rod Arters.”  Catchy name, hey?  😀   So enjoy–here it is exactly as written:

It seems that every 3 months or so we learn of another celebrity caught cheating on his or her spouse.  To say adultery is an epidemic in our current culture is an understatement.  And it doesn’t seem to be a respecter of position.  Regardless of what we do for a living, (Politicians, Pastors, teachers, athletes, actors, musicians, etc) cheaters are in our midst.   It seems to be so prevalent today that the question isn’t who is cheating but rather – who isn’t?

Too many treat their most important relationships casually and their commitments to them as optional.  Our microwave society mentality (quick and easy) has infiltrated our most sacred institution, marriage.  Many cheaters try to justify their reasons for infidelity.  To a cheater, their reasons make sense.  Perfect sense.  To those who have never strayed they just don’t understand why.

Our thirst for affairs has become so accepted and normal in our culture that most shows on television mention an infidelity reference somewhere throughout the episode.  Not to be outdone, we even have a reality show (called Cheaters) that is designed to reveal an indiscretion and exploit the humiliation on national television.  Honestly, I’m not sure which is worse – the immoral action of the cheater or the people who produce the show.  The fact that the series is in its 12th season is an indictment against us.  I’m not sure which is more devastating – discovering your lover’s unfaithfulness or discovering the crushing news at the same time as the train-wreck watching public.   We live in a very sad day and age.

I have seen first-hand the destruction of adultery.  Cheating devastates relationships and shatters dreams.  If you have entertained the idea of cheating on your spouse or significant other, let this serve as your official warning.   Your handsome boss, cute office secretary or sultry neighbor down the street comes with a price tag that you cannot afford.   Before you cheat here are 14 things you really need to know.

  1. You will become a liar.   It’s bad enough to bear the title of “Cheater,” but if you cheat, you will also wear the hat of “Liar.”   Cheating cannot occur without deceit on some level and normally the white lies in the beginning become full-fledged lies at the end.  “I’m working late at the office tonight” may be a half-truth but you’ll need to redefine the word “working” to silence your compromised conscience.  Cheating and lying go hand in hand.  (For more about the lies that cheaters tell, click here.)
  2. You will get caught.  It may not be today.  It may not be tomorrow.  But eventually, your affair will come to light.   Your world will come crashing down on you.  If you are fortunate, the story of your indiscretion may avoid the evening news or the front page of your local paper, but your circle of friends will know your deeds.  And everyone likes to share juicy news.  Your poor decision will become as public as a billboard.  It’s not a matter of if but when.  As Pastor Rick Warren tweeted recently, “If the Director of the CIA can’t hide and cover up an affair, no one can.”  As the Chinese proverb goes, “If you don’t want anyone to know it, don’t do it.”
  3. You will disappoint everyone.   Everyone.  Your spouse.  Your friends.  Your co-workers.   Your God.  Your parents.   Your nephew.  Your children.  Yourself.  The disappointment you cause will be like the stench of skunks and it will take a long time to remove the smell.
  4. You will be a bad example.   Everyone is either a good example or a bad example in all things that we do.  Cheating is a not only a very bad example in relationships but brings with it a cloud of doubt that hovers over you in other areas of your life.  If you cheated in one area, would you cheat in another?  Cheating communicates to everyone that you took the easy road.   It tells others that you were willing to cut corners in your most primary relationship.  It reveals that you were not willing to do the hard work and get the help you needed.  No one ever admires a cheater.  No one looks up to an adulterer.  Even if you did a lifetime of good, this one bad deed can erase it all.
  5. You will lose your moral authority.  It’s hard to tell your children (or others) to do the right thing when they know you didn’t.  Saying “Do as I say, not as I do” is the fastest way to lose the respect of others.  Not only will you lose their respect, you’ll lose yours.  Every moral judgment you make in the future will be weighed against your adulterous action of the past.   It doesn’t mean you can’t speak the truth in the future, it just means that few will listen to you.
  6. You will create trust issues for your spouse.  Forever.  You will single-handedly damage the precious self-esteem of the one you promised to love.  Every relationship they have after you will be one that they struggle to trust.  If that were not enough, you will rock the world of children and cause them to question the stability of every meaningful relationship they have.   For children, their parents relationship is their anchor and cheating cuts the line.
  7. You will lose your standard of living.  Depending on what you do for a living, you may lose your job.  Many lose their home.  Most end up with enormous court fees since cheating is usually the precursor to divorce.  Betrayed spouses have a way of making you pay and that payment is always expensive.  Every check you write is a constant reminder of your foolishness.
  8. You will spend years trying to rebuild your life.   Literally years.   Even if you somehow weathered the storm financially, you will find it takes years for you to recover emotionally.  It takes years for you to restore certain friendships, if you even do.  It takes years for you to rebuild your character.  It takes years to rebuild trust.  It takes years to truly forgive yourself.
  9. You will lose relationships.   You will lose a LOT of relationships.  Lifelong friends will walk away.  Close friends that you have helped countless times will not be around to help you.  Even some family members who are supposed to love you no matter what will vanish.   A cheater can end up living a very lonely life.  It’s hard for many people who used to call you friend to get past that skunk smell of disappointment.
  10. You will increase your chances of getting an STD.   Sexually transmitted diseases run rampant among promiscuous people.   But your paramour is “clean,” right?   After all, they told you so.  And if there is one thing we all know – we can trust a cheater and their word.  As the saying goes, “There is honor among thieves.”   One helpful thought may be to assume that everyone but your spouse has an STD.  That should curb your appetite for destruction.
  11. The grass is not greener on the other side.   The “grass is greener” idea is a common misconception.  Because we have never been on that grass, we assume it must be better than where we currently stand.  It’s not.  In fact, though it may look greener from a distance – once you get there and make yourself comfortable, something interesting happens – the grass changes color.  This usually happens soon after you get caught.  You will then see that patch of land differently.  You will also have a strange desire for the green grass you left… except now it is burned and won’t let you back.   The best way to enjoy green grass is to water your own yard.
  12. Would you want this done to you?   Thieves like to steal wallets but hate when it’s done to them.  If we all lived by the Golden Rule (“Treat others the way you want to be treated.”) most of life’s problems would be solved overnight.   Think about this action as if it were being done to you.  The problem is that it requires thought and thinking is often the last thing a cheater has on his/her mind.
  13. You will eventually regret this decision.  In the heat of the moment, cheating appears to make sense.  It feels good and sometimes even feels right.  Feelings are deceitful.  Soon afterward, your eyes will be opened and you will regret that you ever partook of the forbidden fruit.   Don’t we all have enough regrets in our lives?   Why add another one – particularly one that can only destroy everything you have worked so hard to build?  Your home may not be perfect but it sure beats living in a tent.
  14. The pain outweighs the gain.  No one ever says from their deathbed, I wish I would have had an affair.  No one ever leaves their lawyer’s office with a smile on their face – grateful for the experience.  No one loses dear friends and is glad they have one less Christmas card to receive this year.   The loss is immeasurable.  The pain can be unbearable.   Entire kingdoms can be lost for a few minutes of pleasure.  It is just not worth it.

In November 2008, I looked in the mirror and did not like what I saw.  I did not like who I had become.  I was finally at the point where I was willing to admit the dark side of my soul.   The Dark Knight within me had risen indeed.  Days later, I confessed to my wife, children and church that I had been unfaithful during my marriage.  Needless to say, it was the most difficult series of conversations I have ever had in my life.  There is no pain like watching people you love sob in tears because of your selfish actions.  Within one year, I had lost everything dear and precious to me.

The 14 points above come from an extremely painful personal experience.  I know what it’s like to fall and not be able to get up.  Over the last four years, I have had to learn how to tear down my emotional walls – walls that assisted me in getting in trouble in the first place.  I have come to understand the problem with pedastals, especially in the church, and have wrestled with the mechanics of forgiveness, even forgiving me.  As difficult as it is, I now embrace my past and appreciate the many regrets.  They have become precious to me.  As a result of my actions, I have accumulated many scars and now try to learn from each and everyone of them.  I have hit “rock bottom” and realized something amazing in the process.  God is still here, even if others are not.

That’s my story.  Chapters are still being written.  It’s not easy to share but it’s mine nonetheless and I finally accept it as part of HIStory.  As I read the Bible with a humble set of eyes these days, I see that the Book is filled with great men and women who have fallen in some pretty huge ways.  God picks them up and uses them in spite of their past.   I’ve come to learn that we all fall, just in different ways.

If I can help any of you get up from a fall, let me know.  I’m merely one beggar telling other beggars where to find Bread.

150 thoughts on “Before you cheat… 14 things you need to know.

  1. Reblogged this on Kissing A Fool and commented:
    So this post is being reblogged all of the the betrayed/wayword spouse blogs. I wanted to add my thoughts as someone who likes it, admires its intent but is just frankly a bit deflated by it. I guess, to me, as I shared with WaywardSpouse that perhaps its a ‘day late and a dollar short’ in most cases. In my case if I had given this to Green I doubt it would have stopped him at all. He was crazy nuts while he was in his affair. I don’t know what drug or alcohol addiction looks like… but too me this is a close as it gets. He was lying, deceptive, selfish and conniving and I remember when I kept asking him if he was cheating and he was denying it that I shared ALL of these outcomes with him. He told me to my face, “I am not cheating on you – you’re crazy. But if I was nothing would stop me or change my mind. No one can tell me what do anymore. I want to live my life and I want to be happy.” Well well well… now that he claims to be remorseful we are experiencign all of these outcomes. So while I don’t relish this ‘I-told-you-so-moment’ I really wonder instead… So now what?

    1. Now you soul search. Were you really happy in your marriage. Your husband has responded to an issue within your marriage and instead of coming to you, unfortunately it has resulted in an affair. So…really look at your marriage and see where it was at. Were you just rolling along and putting aside issues subconsciously. I say this as that is exactly what I did. I did not even realize that I was unhappy. I decided that I did not want to save the marriage. It took a while yet eventually I realized that I did not want to be with him because I did not want that life or him, not because he had an affair. You can go either way, you just need to decide for yourself.

      1. Thank you Leo. You are correct. I am a certain point where I am where you ended up at – I can choose to stay married or I can choose to end it. For a long time I was focused on winning him back. I did. And then I realized that did not give me ALL the happiness I sought.

        Thanks for your comment. It’s really a good point.

  2. I hope this article encourages potential cheaters to think twice. But…I have a feeling that most of the people who cheat have already made up their minds and justified everything in their own minds, and will think that maybe this article applies to others and not to them. They won’t realize how stupid they are until it all comes falling down. After all, hindsight is 20/20. My husband would tell you now that his affair was the biggest regret of his life, and he can’t believe that he did something so incredibly selfish and stupid, but had someone told him before hand how much devastation he would cause, I don’t think he would have comprehended it. Now he has to live with what he did. Cheaters, GET THIS – if you are that unhappy in your marriage, try to have a shred a of decency and LEAVE instead of cheat! Because in the aftermath, when you realize all the havoc you have wreaked with your selfishness, you will wish you hadn’t been so stupid and selfish. Because you can NEVER undo the damage. And while your spouse may forgive you, she will NEVER forget, and she will never look at you the same way again. Is it worth it???

    1. Yes you can undo the damage – It’s called FORGIVENESS/MERCY! Both the offended and the offender need MERCY! Why doesn’t anyone provide the idea about moving on TOGETHER! – How far can you throw a stone?

      1. This is very insightful and the 14 points very relevant. I don’t believe anyone contemplating cheating actually has the mental ability to absorb the true cause and effect of their actions. Those who wouldn’t contemplate cheating could all write their own 14 steps. My H cheated for half of our marriage between years 13 and 30. Our kids were 3 and 7 when it started. I mean who does that? A warped individual who has no comprehension of how to live an honourable life. Childhood trauma…, sure, but showed his weakness and lack of ability to do better than he grew up with. I suspected, I accused….. I was lied to, over and over and over. My self esteem sank with each passing year. I believed I was unworthy of the love and affection he denied me as his wife. Every time I would try and talk to him about us he would get onto money and how I didn’t earn enough. I realise now that was a diversion to keep me from working out what was happening, what had become his life. Guilt and regret ruled his mind, alternating with thoughts to justify….. Both sides raging a battle to win. He would now agree with each of those 14 points. We are still together 2 1/2 years after one of the women told me. He was lucky really that it took a couple of dozen women to score one who wanted revenge. The reason? He wouldn’t leave me…yet he had done everything thing possible to ensure the end of our marriage he didn’t want to leave. She was wealthy, it would have been a financial boost I suspect. He wanted to wind the clock back and say no. Stand up for me as his wife instead of bagging me out to justify his choices. Generally be a good example to our kids. We are still together because the family unit is very important to me. I could live alone and take half of everything, break him financially but that wouldn’t make me happy. You see he has done what he’s done and that will never change. The pain of that is so deep that together or apart we are both changed. I don’t actually want revenge, I long for peace of mind. I can forgive, to a degree, but forgetting is impossible. It’s part of who I am, who he is, who we are. Our children are scarred and none of that can be changed. My H is grateful he is still married and even more grateful he is still a welcome member of the family. This is not a normal outcome, I know that and if he was asked my H would say he doesn’t deserve what he now has. I’m giving him the chance to be the man he wanted to be, before he accepted less from himself as his best.

      2. Some people move on together successfully, but many just get cheated on again and again. Sometimes, we just can’t make our spouses happy no matter how hard we try. Because of this and the commonness of STDs, I don’t blame people for wanting to move on by divorcing. It is always a good thing forgive the offender and pray for them. We don’t have to throw stones at someone and we should show mercy. However, it is possible to be merciful and forgive someone without remaining in a position to be hurt a second time.

      3. You cannot just move on “together” when the truth and trust is broken. You will go crazy every day doubting every word out of his mouth. I tried after my husband of 20 years cheated on me. I tried every minute. But he showed no empathy , no compassion. Instead he blamed me for his affair with the young co worker. I am a Christian and I know God hates divorces. When it comes to adultery I only had one option to heal and recover. And that was to divorce him. After he failed to take any responsibility for his Lias and betrayals I went through with the divorce. I absolutely forgave him. But I will never speak with him again. That was 3 years ago. My life is good now. I do not have a new relationship. After a divorce I think a 5 years waiting g period to “date ” again is appropriate. I want God to work in my life now. I want to heal, recover and I want to love myself again. After an affair, my self worth and self respect were destroyed. Thanks to my now ex husband I will always have trust issues. I trust in God and that’s enough for right now. As for the ex husband he is the one who needs to repent and ask God for forgiveness. I am not a part of his life any longer. He must now live the consequences of his decisions, of his choice to cheat and lie, of his decision to submit me to possible std’s. While I trusted him he played with my life. Luckily I am ok but for this part I will never forgive him. Thank God for good divorce attorneys in this country. And also for great alimony laws in Florida.

    2. I hear what you are saying yet I feel that you can forgive. I forgave my ex and understand how our situation evolved. I wished he had not handled it in the way he did yet I understand how it happened. It was the most painful experience of my life yet from it I learnt who I was. You know what, many people do not plan their affair and yes, there is choice involved, yet life is not that clean cut, it can happen to good people too.

    3. My husband is currently cheating on me. I filed for divorce 2 months ago (I wish I hadn’t) because he said he would if I didn’t. He is still with the other woman (who WAS my good friend, my brother’s girlfriend, my kids’ aunt & is my nephew’s mother) & insists I made him miserable & that he couldn’t stand to be around me & he is so much happier without me. The things that have come out of his mouth are so hurtful. I honestly don’t even feel like I know this person. Our marriage wasn’t perfect, but I NEVER thought he’d cheat on me. I was 6 months pregnant when it all started & just gave birth one week ago. I have asked him to try to work things out & he refuses. I know he will regret this one day. Reading this now, he would not think any of this pertained to him. He will see in time that he is very wrong about a lot of things.

      1. Mary

        I am so sorry for what your husband has done to you. Especially you have a small child. How cold and cruel. I also tried to work things out with my husband. I even begged him to come back. Big mistake. I should have had divorce papers served on him thrme day I found out about his lies and affairs. Instead I was s crying mess for 3 months while he went on a tropical cruise with his little minion. I needed to wake up and see the truth. It took me a while and eventually I did. Divorcing him was freeing , it was empowering and he was a healthy solution. Divorce is never a good thing especially when there are children. But standing up for myself and showing him that I was done was the best decision. You need to stop “trying to work things out”. He already made his choice by cheating. Get yourself a good divorce attorney and let your husband go. Look out for YOUR interest for YOUR child and don’t worry about him. Man who cheat are selfish and they are weak. You will find happiness again with someone who truly deserves your love. I wasted 20 long years with my husband only to be thrown away for some young minion. I wish I divorced this liar many years ago. Life goes on. I am 50 years old now but my life is wonderful. I don’t have to play detective any longer and no one disrespects me. Especially not a spouse who vowed to cherish , protect and love me. Their is always light on the darkness. Speak victory, not fear. Good luck to you and stand strong in your trials. In the end you will be proud of yourself. Just like I am. I will never communicate with the devil again.

      2. We actually have 3 small children — 5, 2 & 10 days old. I haven’t begged him to come back for a while. I really miss who he was, but right now, he is not a good person. He only cares about himself, even if he says he cares about the kids, I know he truly doesn’t or he wouldn’t have done this to them or their mother. I am sad tho, I didn’t want a divorce, I don’t want my children in a split home. He was such a good person before this, he is just so clouded with bad thoughts about me that I truly think he doesn’t think he loves me. I know I’ll be happier some day, it just really hurts right now that he seems to be so happy without me.

      3. Mary

        I am so sorry that you are dealing with this kind of situation your husband has brought upon you as he has been deceived and acted upon sinful thoughts which have led him to act out

        This is a good site but another which you might find supportive as well for those who want reconciliation is for what they call “standers”
        It is called Rejoice Marriage Ministry.

        I have been standing now for nearly ten years without a lot of visible indications but I too do not believe divorce is the answer despite the trend and popular opinions abounding around us today

        May the Lord guide you through this time and support you through His Word which supplies all things for life and godliness to those who trust in Jesus Christ.
        Hugs for you and your children and prayers for your husband who has been taken captive to the will of the enemy of Christ and His .

      4. I already found that website actually!! I read a lot of their articles & signed up for their daily emails. I am still hoping & praying something changes. It’s so hard to not get discouraged.

      5. My heart breaks for you…how much more the heart of our Lord ….He’s on His way to retrieve His Bride…much as the Hebrew wedding series of events portrays

        When I read the wisdom of God regarding marriage it exposes the truth that romance and sexual pleasure in marriage is PART of the reward of functioning in the relationship as believers…members of the Body of Christ are instructed to relate with one another

        In marriage this way to relate is magnified

        The conflicts and challenges are to refine us…unbelievers or disobedient expect the world’s version of love which is focused upon feelings and self

        The man was instructed to love his wife…..lust is not part of that command

        If he sows tender loving care and concern for her best welfare the depth of love in its real sense grows

        The Bible tells is that those that do not know Jesus Christ do not know His Father who is love. They therefore do not know what real love by Gods definition is

        Self love is the doctrine of the world the flesh and the devil that we fall for because we do not have the knowledge of Gods word from his teaching us

        Assumptions we “know” shut off learning

        Marriage ..just as the walk of faith is a long walk in being instructed …reproved and corrected ….washed from the worldly view that is error about everything we think is true but not of Him who is the Truth

        Stay the course

        My God shall supply what you need as you lean not to your own understanding glut in all your ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct your way

        The crucible of marriage and relationships among others is to be made holy….cleansed….purified

        Walk in the spirit and you will not fulfill the lists of the flesh

        Wives are not responsible to make their husbands obey Christ

        Men are given the Word to inform and warn which would protect them from their own fleshly ways and protect their love for their wives and their wives and children will thrive

        Apart from this obedience and learning to govern their flesh they will cause much destruction to their families and themselves and anyone else they engage with I ways that are forbidden which God has warned because of the damage sin brings forth

        Stay faithful to the Lord

        No good thing will be withhold from those who walk uprightly

  3. Great article. Thank you for putting such thought into the subject. I am going on 1 year since I found out about my husband’s affair. We are still pending divorce, but he has moved out of our marital residence to be with the OW (his “secretary”). I found the article very enlightening and interesting, but I am reading it from the “betrayed spouse” perspective. I wish I could have sent it to my husband over a year ago, and I wish it would have made a difference. Thanks again for writing this … it shows a real repentance, a true turnaround, recognizing you did wrong. That goes a long way. I think this should be shared with ALL married men and women.

  4. Reblogged this on Tales of a Jealous Wife and commented:
    Noah and I are doing really well. Lots of good things are happening for my career right now. I’m reblogging this because I know what kind of audience stumbles across my blog and I believe you may appreciate this post as I do. I’ve *never* contemplated cheating on my husband yet reading this seems helpful somehow.This post makes it absolutely clear that cheating is something I *never* want to do. I like the way the consequences are presented on a platter so you know what you are getting into. This should be required reading for engaged/newlywed couples. Wouldn’t you agree?
    For the record I have toyed with the idea of revenge sex if I were ever cheated on. Is revenge sex against a wayward spouse cheating? I’m glad this is a hypothetical question for me.

  5. I wish this was something mandatory for people to read. I’m sure not many people actually think of themselves as ever having an affair, so many people probably would not feel they need to read this article. And at the same time, many affairs start emotionally and happen so subtly, that they’re already in too deep before they realize what it is they’re doing. My husband probably wouldn’t have even been able to articulate that he was even unhappy in any way. But everything you said here is true…and my husband learned all of it the hard way. 😦

    1. Marjory reading….hmmm as I came to know Christ as Saviour I see if I had read what He told us was to be our “daily bread” …aka His Word I might not have been so vulnerable to the sinful ways our own flesh trips is up even as we are being “good”

      I so relate though …pride is what keeps those who deliberately fashion a justification for what they choose to do

      There is little to no preventative social influence anymore to prohibit sinful activity…those who obey urges with any excuse will in truth damage and even destroy themselves

      Abandonment to sin is destructive as history records even in sources outside the Bible

      It’s interesting to note that if the Bible were in fact a product of human authorship it would not likely record so many of the sinful acts of its prime characters

      Only Jesus Christ fulfilled all of His Fathers will and thus qualifies as our Saviour and Redeemer from the condition Adams rebellion and rejection of Gods warning and instruction gave him

      We all do well to ask the Lord to save us from our dead fallen condition and then to instruct us as we study His Word as 2 Timothy 2:15 tells us to do because of the truth of 2 Timothy 3:16 and 17

      People who are meek to God and teachable will look that up

      As they say..those who know Him need no other exhortation…those who do not or will not ….will not accept the answer but seek more support from man to continue in their own way

      I am sorry you are experiencing such painful circumstances….but nevertheless those who trust in Him will be taught and guided ….and delivered…and focus will increase the usefulness of the seed incorruptible which is the word of God when received with a heart hungry to know Him

      God bless…

      Patience is a resulting fruit of endurance while feeding and taking heed to His “voice “…aka His God Breathed Word


  6. Hey Rod, I was really touched by your story…
    Dishonesty ALWAYS comes with package. It’s hard but true. Number 11 is my favourite one. We tend to devalue what we ahve for things that we don’t have…Why?
    And on the day we lose what we have, that’s when they start increasing in value.

  7. Dear Rod, I find this article refreshing, encouraging, and ‘right on the mark’. I must respectfully disagree with the comments that elude that this article is a bit late. It has helped me at a time in my marriage when I’m tired, frustrated, and simply want out and new. I’m not cheating, but boy have I given some thought to what it would be like to be in a relationship with someone other than my spouse. Until death do we part does not seem possible at the moment. Sadly, my spouse and I are both strong believers and committed to God, our faith, and our family. That is what has kept us together for so long (22 years) and what gives a ray of hope periodically. I so want peace and to be off of this see-saw of emptiness. At times, our marriage seems pointless to exist. We are great friends and roommates, but, that is not what marriage should be and it certainly does not glorify the Lord.

    Your article has solidified for me that I will not give opportunity to cheating (and I have been offered the opportunity). Sharing the truths of your experience is compelling and persuasive. Bless you! I pray for your complete restoration and joy. I’m also praying that those you have hurt have healed and found peace and fulfillment and joy in their lives. I can’t help but think that if they were to read this article, that it would certainly add to their healing.

    I pray that my spouse and I will confront our problems and commit, together, to doing the work needed to heal and move forward. If that does not happen, your story has certainly sown wisdom in my heart for the future.

    Many Blessings

    1. To Syd, I would encourage you to date your wife. Yes you both are believers which is a plus. But the physical fire of this marriage needs to be rekindled. So have some fun. Date each other as if you were in high school. Make love to each other. Turn on your charm for your lady. The things you would do for the other woman do it for your wife. Faith without works is dead. Pray to God but put action behind those prayers. Also think about it, I’m sure she’s had opportunity to cheat on on you as well, hopefully she didn’t do it. You’ve got to keep the romance, fun and flame alive.

  8. Please help me! I am having a very difficult time with an affair I had. I have lost absolutely everything and sometimes feel like I cannot live another day.

    1. Pam, I’m sorry for your pain and the consequences you have suffered. Although you may feel tremendous guilt, there is forgiveness and you will heal, in time. Look forward to a new healthy, peaceful, and restored future. I am praying for you.

    2. Pam: it is normal to feel bad about your affair: if you didn’t then I would say you were a narcissist!! Get on your hands and knees and tell God you are sorry and tell the man you’re cheating with that you are sorry as well!! Then go to your partner and ask for forgiveness which he doesn’t need to forgive you but that’s now between him and God!! You just need to ask him for forgiveness! That should bring you total peace and I know you will begin to put your life back together by Jesus help!!! Peace to you Pam

  9. I had an affair for 3.5 years (2003-2007) with a married girl at work. This will never come to light or me getting caught why ?? simple…when you cheat with a cheater, you’ll never get caught !! It’s now 2014…I sleep very well !!

    1. How selfish? How can you live with yourself? I hope you don’t have any children. Where are you morales? Shy even get married if you want to cheat. It’s people like you who make me sick.

    2. YOU NEVER GET AWAY WITH IT. You can act the clever dick you can think you know it all and have it sussed. Dream on you pathetic deluded smug juvenile, karma is waiting because somewhere some how you have left a clue or your lady friend (and i use the term loosely) will one day feel the need for whatever reason to come clean and your self satisfied grin will be a memory. Or your unlucky other half may just give you a taste of your own medicine. Karma is good it;s even better if people get to watch.

    3. Im sure you’d like to believe your wife doesn’t know, but I’m sure she did. Just as sloppy and careless as you are for posting this response, I’m sure u were just as sloppy then. Men like you always leave trails

    4. That’s just stupid Jeff: that just makes you a sociopath but if you can live with it ok!! Just remember this: you will reap what you sow!

    5. Jeff my dear never say never. I know of someone who did the same thing and guess what years later it came out. EVERYTHING came out! You can’t hide from God my dear and trust me your selfishness will either get you cheated on or will be revealed.

    6. I hope you’re not using your “real name” in your smug comment Mr. Jeff Hodges. If so, all someone has to do is report your “written confession” back to your wife. You never know who visits these web sites. Also, there’s no reason on earth for you to feel so “puffed up and proud of your childish, dishonest and deceitful behavior”.

  10. I wish my soon to be ex husband of 20 years would have seen this article. Hd got caught cheating with a young co worker (they are both police officers and had an affair while on duty). His disgusting that his 18 year old son would find nude pictures of them on the home computer. When he was unable to keep up with his lies he left and moved out. I was devastated. After a few months, I had enough. I filed for divorce and put an end to such disrespect. I want to show my son that it is not ok to cheat and get away with it. I healed and recovered and you know what, life does go on. I am in the middle of very ugly divorce proceedings. I have lost my home and other material assets. But I have gained my peace, sanity, freedom and self respect back. Nobody lies to me, cheats and betrays and stays married to me. I wish the 2 a good life. She cheated with him and she will cheat on him. Just the perfect match. That sounds like a solid foundation for a new relationship. I am so over it. I have educated myself about narcissism and sociopaths. When they get caught most likely it was not the first time they cheated. I love my life more than putting myself at risk for done disease. After all the women they cheat with are mostly whores who don’t care. How dare does the person who married me and proclaimed his loved for me play games like that. They are not worth it. Cheaters are losers and cowards.

    1. Good for you for leaving! My husband accidentally left emails up and I obviously found them in the morning.. i never ever would have known. Not sure if i was living in a cloud or what but just didn’t think he would do it. It’s all true, you will get caught eventually and your life and marriage will never be the same. I am still with him and don’t have the courage like you to leave!! Proud of you.

    2. Now a year and half later I am finally divorced from that cheater. Thanks to my awesome attorney I came out the winner. Life is great now. Nobody lies to me or cheats on me. As for my ex husband , I hear he is I agony because his only child hates him now for inflicting such pain on his family. I admit it was s difficult road to travel. It was expensive and emotionally draining. But I did it. I feel like a gladiator for standing up for myself. As for the other woman. She was nothing special. She was just available for his midlife crisis. No contact for over 2 years. And that’s the only was I was able to heal. To cut if all contact with this liar and cheater. I am definitely over it now.

  11. I have been with my husband for nearly 30 years. We have 3 children and a grandchild. I have been faithful all our married life but a year ago I got a text from someone I had a short fling with before I got married. We started texting secretly and after 4 months we met up. We have been having an affair ever since, daily texts and meeting up once a month for an afternoon. He is happily married with children. He tells me he’s waited all these years to be with me but we both know this relationship is going nowhere. God has done so much for me in my life.. I cannot believe what I’m doing ! I have become distracted and have distanced myself from my friends and family. I feel miserable most of the time. I am an honest and open person by nature and I’m disgusted with myself. I love my husband and don’t want to lose everything I have worked so hard for.. But I am caught up in this nightmare.. it truly is like being on drugs and Ive become addicted to the attention and however many times a day I tell myself to finish it I just don’t seem to have the strength. I worry I’ll miss him and that I’ll never feel this high again,, but I know it is an illusion so why can’t I just finish it for good! …
    I don’t like who I am right now,, I’m not a cheater…. everyone would hate me if they knew.. I’d have nothing … I feel like Im going crazy.. Im so isolated coz I have no one to share this with.. Please help me be strong

    1. If you do not like who you are THEN STOP.My husband did not have the backbone to stop, he got caught, lost his job lied about the extent to which the affair went and allowed me to foolishly believe him. The strain on him was to much after 17 months he died I then found out the full story and I am in a living hell. Trying to get answers to questions which will never come because the person who can help me is dead. Forget your pain and your “addiction” to this low life think of your family and what you will eventually put them through, because you WILL GET CAUGHT and heaven forbid it will be if you die and your husband discovers things. One more thing despite any thoughts you have that your bit on the side is a good man. He is not he may have a wife and he knows what he is doing if he can cheat on her and have no guilt about what he is doing to your husband and family he is a low life. REMEMBER god does not pay you back in money my husband is proof of that. May God forgive you I don’t know if your family will.

    2. Please stop, just for a minute stop and think what the faces of your children will look like when they find out what their mother is doing. Think about your grandchild and what it might be like to have little or no contact with him or her. Think about Thanksgiving when you are no longer welcomed at the table. Or Christmas when your husband is stringing lights on the tree trying to walk like a ghost through his shattered life. Think about those family vacations where you will no longer be included. Or those Sunday barbecues in the backyard. How will it feel when you drive by and see your family all together and you are excluded.

      Because you will lose. There is no way around it. You will be judged by others and worse the judgement you will place on yourself. Stop and think, “can I live with this?” Because the above will be your reality. My husband NEVER considered the consequences of his actions. He now lives with his affair partner and is extremely unhappy. It turned out that the grass that looked so green was actually full of weeds. And guess what? He is trapped. Family and friends have walked away from him. He is financially wrecked. His children don’t speak to him. He lost his job. He now looks at the other woman with resentment (if she would have never come into his life….) Is this what you want for yourself?

      If you are unhappy, seek help. If help doesn’t work, end the relationship. Once the relationship has ended, then start a new life. While this is painful for your family at least it is the honorable thing to do. If you don’t stop, you will pay. And the price is just too high.

    3. I hope I’m not too late to respond, but I know exactly how you feel. My only advice is that if you feel guilty about it, put an end to it before it’s too late. You don’t want to wish you can turn back time to make it right. Cut him off now, and you’ll thank yourself later.

    4. I am not justifying your actions but I dare say there is not one person who is married and has not thought of a past lover!! This is cheating too and must be repented of as well: God sees the heart and the action is the final deed of the heart!! This is who Jesus said, “He who looks and lust has already committed this sin!!” My suggestion however is to repent now and stop looking backwards like a fool! When I say repent I mean cut the sin off now!!! Not later but now!!!

      The next thing is “should you tell your husband?” Maybe he suspects you but has never said anything to make you aware of it because he would be hurt if you mentioned it: so if he has not accused you then there is no need to confess but to God and stop cheating!! On the other hand, if he has been accusing you, then when you stop cheating, confess to him so to ensure him and yourself you will never do it again!!! He has probably thought of a woman besides you and has felt guilty too so he who knows they too could have done the very same thing will be quick to forgive you!

      Those who are looking for a way out of a marriage will love to use your actions but they usually don’t look at their own hearts either!! A narcissist only looks for gain for self so they will never admit they even think such thoughts when that’s usually all that’s on their minds!! But I am talking to you!!! Stop cheating and repent!! God is going to bring the hammer down sooner or later if you continue in your stupidity!! Be blessed and repent! Frenchis

    5. the Bible reveals our spiritual enemy is a counterfeit of God’s Tri-unity.

      The world , the flesh and the devil are the three battle grounds

      The lust of the flesh , the lust of the eyes and the pride of life are the three points of vulnerability that need the defense of our acting upon the wisdom of the Word of GOD.

      The “DEVIL” is his name when he is the TEMPTER. This is seen in how he approached Eve , and Jesus and the contrast of how each dealt with the temptation to act upon the lie of temptations.

      “SATAN” is his name describing him as the ACCUSER of man to GOD as we see in the book of Job for one example….and he is the accuser of God to man. we see him working to cause Eve to doubt God’s motive in His warning to continue to avoid what the command warned Adam of in the act of disobedience and rebellion when taking from the tree of knowledge of good and evil .

      He is labeled as “LUCIFER” in how he DECEIVES mankind with lies and twisting of the truth.

      Jesus Christ paid in full for all sin of man for those who receive Him as Lord and believe in their heart that God has raised Him from the dead.

      When we begin to understand how we have been given equipping to avoid doing sinful activities we will then be able to take advantage of what Jesus did in all of His redemptive work.

      He made us free from the LAW of SIN which is not the law of the Lord but it is the law or power of sin which works in fallen flesh that is useful to pursuade us to follow our feelings and appetites. The truth makes us free to say “NO” to those things which God has warned are harmful to us and others…aka SIN.

      The world mocks this idea of sin and many churches who claim to be christian are not teaching what scripture says …in order to keep the pews and coffers full.

      God made a great truth known to us when he had it written ” MY people are destroyed for lack of knowledge …they have rejected me ‘ The way we understand the scriptures is by asking the Lord through His Spirit help us understand it and learn to apply it to our decisions….and actions.

      Sin is not evil because it is wrong …it is wrong because it is evil and destructive.

      Many are destroyed because they have not paid attention to what scripture actually says about sin and temptation and how we are made free to NOT obey lust by following Jesus Christ and learning how to live to avoid such things.

      Love worketh NO evil to his neighbor ‘ …what adultery is is NOT LOVE.

      It steals, kills and destroys lives.

      The devil loves to keep people in the dark about how to avoid sin.

      Submit to GOD , resist the devil and he will flee from you.

      Flee fornication

      Mortify your members which are upon the earth.

      Live , seated in the heavenlies and reckon the old man dead.

      All good guidelines found for those who seek to leave sinful choices in the past.

      Be not conformed to this world but be ye transformed by the renewing of your minds.

      Set your affections upon this above and not upon the earth.

      I believe that if a married person loves the Lord they will determine not to do anything to bring shame to His name and they will be busy doing what HE says in order to love their spouse as He advises and commands and they will be too busy to cheat.

      To identify true repentance….here is one good measure from scripture….

      2Co 7:10 For godly sorrow worketh repentance to salvation not to be repented of: but the sorrow of the world worketh death.

      2Co 7:11 For behold this selfsame thing, that ye sorrowed after a GODLY SORT…
      1. what carefulness it wrought in you, yea,
      2. what clearing of yourselves, yea,
      3.what indignation, yea,
      4. what fear, yea,
      5. what vehement desire, yea,
      6. what zeal, yea,
      7.what revenge!
      In all things ye have approved yourselves to be clear in this matter.

      Now the words here indicate more toward the sinful act and what led to acting upon it …thus concern to not continue in it …but seeking how to avoid it …and turning from it .

      Forgiveness may be gotten from others but our greatest need and concern is to receive forgiveness from the Lord .

      If we do not know the Lord then seeking Him desiring to find Him in truth.

      His forgiveness may be received but how is it known to be received if no effort is made upon our part to appreciate forgiveness?

      I wonder how a person sees sin as it is in all it’s horrible and deadly effects upon others but even upon themselves if no true effort is made to cease and stop continuing in it.

      Forgiveness is appreciated when we see the horrific thing sin is..

      If it is not seen as such then is there a true seeking of forgiveness?

      What does forgiveness mean to someone who persists in presuming upon the kindness of those they sin against?

      There is power in true fellowship with Christ to stop making accommodation for sin.

      To say you ‘love’ someone but be willing to lure them to sin with you is NOT love nor care for their souls either ….it is wicked and damaging not just to the spouse you vowed to God and before others to take in a lifetime loyalty to protect them from your flesh and others…but it also gives Satan an opening to continue to entrap all who are hurting from this kind of presumption.

      This is not always understood by those blinded by the actions of sinful choices.

      That does not keep it from being harmful and dangerous just the same.

  12. One thing about cheaters is true, you have to be a liar. My ex wife cheated on me, got caught, I was accused of everything under the sun, none of it true, but she wanted our son. It still cost me $100,000 in attorney fees to defend myself so I could be my sons dad.She got my dream home,,I got the rental . I do have my son 50% of the time, what kills me the most, was when I was driving down the road with my son and out of the blue he said “dad I didn’t just see mom kiss that guy” a. He was only 6 at the time, what did he go through so she could feed her ego?

  13. My husband asked me to fix his laptop that was five months ago I saw in his secret email account that he had an unpaid profile on milfaholic when confronted he said it’s harmless fun then when I smacked his face he said he has not been happy for a long time the other day I was upset about it he told me you need to get over it.

    1. Tell him….there’s not a chance….he broke your trust. If he can’t understand why you’re hurt, you need to rethink your choices. Make sure whatever choice you make, is the one that will make you happy. Sounds like he’s a narcissist, so if decide to stay, decide not to care because he won’t.

  14. My husband cheated on me and through counseling we have decided to stay together. I don’t know if he’s cheating now & for the first time I’m not sure I care. Every time we get in an argument he tells me to go cheat on him. Well, I am now cheating on him with a friend who is married. We always hang out together & neither of our spouses know. I know deep down it is wrong but in a way I feel like it is my revenge. I’m lost because honestly I don’t want to loose everything. The damage has already been done. I just don’t know where to go from here.

  15. My husband is cheating me.ours is a love marriage I was a Hindu n he is a Christian. Both families agreed got converted into Christianity n married him.we r married for 14 yrs I just got to know few months back about his affair with an unmarried girl who is 10 yrs younger to him.n he said she loves him n they r in relationship from 2 yrs.till I came t know we were a perfect happy family neverhad any fights always trying to do best for the family we have 2 beautiful kids.lord has blessed us with 1boy and 1 girl.never gave him any family tensions. Wen I asked him was I anywhere lacking for him.he said I have done a mistake I am wrong.he said she loves him a lot she wants to live with him for life long.she knows from the beginning he is married and has 2 kids.she says dont leave your family.but ask your wife to accept me.when I said its not possible. N informed the girls family he left us and went.dint speak to me for
    day I went n spoke to him he said I want divorce. I told I will not divorce him.he said I dont love u anymore. I love only her.he doesn’t even regret for what he has done to me and our kids.i need help plz……help me.plz pray for me and my kids.

    1. Often times we equate our spouse with God which is utterly wrong. The difference between man and God is that man changes constantly out of lack of power but God is changeless because He is the Almighty. Focus on God and not man and you’ll see your joy renewed and blessings overflow.


    1. Glad you’re making the right choice. I understand the menopause piece–I’m right there. Exercise helps and a shift in thinking…it’s okay not to do everything the way you use to. Encourage your wife to take time for herself and for you. Other things will be okay. Best wishes!

  17. I broke up with my girlfriend last 2 months due to many misunderstandings i was fighting so hard to get her back. none of her friends would give me any information about her. The only thing I could do was to go find help from anywhere, so i looked for a way to get her back then a friend recommended me to contact robinsonbuckler@yahoo. com that he will help me and as my friend said, Mr robinson helped me to bring back my girlfriend just in 3 days, I now have her back and this is the biggest joy of my life

  18. I wish the things you said were true. My ex cheated on me with my best friend but he came off better. I was the housewife, he was the fireman. I was left with the mortgage and children, he just left. He regained his social life, I was sinking fast. As people realized I didnt have time or money to do what I did before, their choices became apparent. All was forgiven for him and I was politely deleted and forgotten.

    1. You think he came out better: we all reap what we sow and he hasn’t tasted his reaping yet but that being said,” Let’s focus on you! “You have your children and you have your house and many people lose both! God hasn’t forgotten the hard cases, in fact you look back and see where you worried about bills and things and here you are today. You’re a love and not forgotten by him and maybe that is the lesson you need to learn more than a man who left you high and dry!! There is more to life at the end of your life as you age other than a partner!! Your children will not forget you and surely God has never forgotten you!! Sit at his table and eat bread with Him!! Fall in love with Him first!! You will never regret it!! This life was not meant for us to have the happiest life in the world but to learn, learn, learn to love Jesus!!! Do you think you can do that now that you’re all alone? There you will find more happiness then any man could give you and the next man God brings into your life will just add to that joy!! Seek Him first!!!! Maybe you tried it backwards!!! Start loving Him today and get rid of that “lonely me” God bless you.

  19. Should I tell my husband that I have been cheating on him?? I’m so regret for what I have done and I try to save my married husband still don’t know that’s I’m cheating on him yet.what should I do ?help me…thanks.if I tell him my husband ,he will ask me to get off from him because my husband a kind of selfish person….

    1. If he has never accused you of cheating, no but ask Jesus to forgive you and cut sin out of your life like a cancer. On the other hand if he has been accusing you of cheating and you called him crazy or other names, then you better confess to him!! If you don’t then further down the line it will be over!! We all reap what we sow, so start sowing honestly!!! Gods isn’t laughing!

  20. My boyfriend and I broke up 3 weeks ago. he started acting strange, he was ignoring all of my calls and won’t speak to me at all, i wanted us to be back together forever and work through things as a couple. I just could not picture my life without him. i felt so rejected when i discovered that he was cheating on me. it made me go crazy because i took him as the love of my life, my best friend, my soul mate, after making some research i found Mr Robinson on the net that he can restore broken relationship and i gave it a try, after using his love spell, my boyfriend came back and since then I definitely believe robinsonbuckler is real, I must admit, the result was perfect, wonderful, this caster Mr Robinson is real. you can call Mr Robinson + 19715126745 for urgent help

  21. My mother cheated on my father and I doubt she ever felt any of these things……years later my father and I are still hurt by her actions and she is engaged now to someone else……..Her life is pretty good and I have not once heard a sorry or have seen any remorse for hurting my sisters, father and I. I wonder why her story is so different. …..quite sad. Meanwhile my father is still bitter and she gets all the rewards of the life she and we get all the baggage. Praise God we are moving forward tho…..God is good

    1. Your mother has to pay for her own mistakes! If she doesn’t say she’s sorry means she never really cared for your father to begin with and feels she deserves to be happy! Her problem is not yours and you need to forgive her even if she doesn’t think she needs your forgiveness! Doesn’t Jesus say,” Destroy evil with good?” To despise her would only bring demons in your own path so keep your life clean and learn by her mistakes!! I know a lot of married people who think nothing about the vows and are very selfish: their conclusion is **** I’ve tried and I deserve a better partner!! You don’t know your father as a partner either so there are always two sides of a story! You don’t need to know any more then you do so move on and forgive and treat both with respect and maybe they will both come to their senses!!

      1. My mother often would say there are three side to a relationship his side,her side and the truth God is the only one who knows the Truth!

  22. The joy of a cheater’s spouse “Thank God! I’m not the one.” Also, there is the joy of being free from guilt. A cheater’s co-sinner doesn’t even trust him or her. He or she lives with the idea of “If you’ve done this to someone else, you can do it to me. It is a commercial relationship whereby one feels he or she is gaining sex while the othe feels he or she is gaining one material thing or the other. Both her losers at the on the long run. It takes two things to be out of adultery: courage and grace.

  23. Hello… I just finished this and for years now I’ve been going through this…. and I just wanted to talk to you because when your the giver and receiver of this cheating situation what do you do? I must say I only did it because I found out the truth and tying to get over my spouse just to end up feeling worst now my esteem is far beyond low its a shame… please can we email and talk I truly need help…

    1. Hi Kenyon: Can you just forgive yourself and repent? Repent means to cut the sin off now! Tell God you’re sorry for whatever it is and move on!! Be faithful to yourself! Be good to yourself know God rewards those who come to Him with an open heart!! He is your daily bread so if I were you , I would “sit at His table” for 3 meals a day!!! You will find it’s all you need to straighten out those rough roads and crooked thoughts!! His doors always open and his ears want to hear your voice!! Talk about a great honest lover!!! Be blessed in Jesus name!!

  24. After 26 years of marriage and about 18 in ministry, I endured a spouse/pastor who had an affair. I would, personally and experientially, like to corroborate every word.

    The Lord has a brilliant sense of humor to then take me and tell me to work with Couples as The Couple Coach. And the Lord is so faithful to back up His Word.

    I tried for far too long. It feels like that’s what made it harder.

    He wastes nothing! John 6:12

  25. The worst mistake I ever made was to cheat on my ex husband. We divorced 4 years ago, and while we get along well and it seems he may have forgiven me, I can’t forgive myself. I deal with the guilt every day. There are days I can’t stand myself. I made excuses at the time because of his drinking (which is no longer an issue). I wish I had taken the time to communicate my concerns to him, and would have tried to help him. While I have learned some valuable lessons from that experience, I would never wish anyone to go through it. If anyone has any suggestions on how to change my thoughts from negative to positive, I would welcome them. I have tried counseling, but it doesn’t seem to help.

    1. Dear Dee: I guess you felt the reaping tool for what you have sown : you lost your husband ! Ok , now just remember the way you were before you met him: you were a whole person then : God made you complete : you lacked nothing: ok ,so you made a mistake and you will make more just like your husband has and still does!! Its over and you learned a good lesson “sex doesnt make a marriage work and never has!” He lost something too Dee–you!

      God didn’t say we were perfectly clean and your husband knows deep down inside he made his mistakes too : Cheating is not the only crime in a marriage but it is the only crime that can destroy privacy “special association” but it is far from the only crime in a marriage!! Your husband might realize it later on that drinking and working too late or not paying attention to your spouse are just as hurtful!! Many marriages today break up for money, sickness and misunderstanding to name a few so don’t be too hard on yourself. Ask God to forgive you deeply and ask your ex to forgive you. He doesn’t have to but that’s between him and God. Don’t ask him so you can have him back but because you really should not have cheated. Doesn’t matter what drove you there but its over!! Now you cant cheat!!! So thank God for the lesson and don’t look any further then what God has given you today!! Raise those hands and love him and eat his bread with him for he is the lover of your soul!!! He is all you will ever need and he know just what to bring your way to put a smile on your face at the same time make sure you never forget you will reap what you sow so sow good things and blessing!! Gods loves you!!

  26. I completely disagree! I cheated and found the love of my life! If I wouldn’t have cheated, I would be stuck in a loveless, unhappy marriage. I also did not lose any family or friends. The people who truly loved me stuck by me no matter what!

    1. True there are lots of loveless marriages: for whatever reason people marry for the wrong reasons or sometimes feel like they will always be alone if they don’t take the first person who comes along! What it comes down to is “willingness and faithfulness, are you willing to commit to someone for the rest of your life and be faithful? We say yes but we forget tomorrow’s woes! I don’t know if you’re a Christian but that does make all the difference in the world: to our world any way! Some marry unbelievers who are miserable and some marry people who they think are Christians, but actions usually are shortly reveals contrary! At any rate Mrs. Gill, you would agree cheating is not a good way to find the love of your life because if it were then maybe next year you will find the next love of your life! If you don’t have a conscience that is! Cheating is wrong and i do hope the man you’re with now doesn’t do to you what you did to your first man!! Imagine him cheating and finding the love of his life???That would hurt wouldn’t it? Good day

    2. did you consider divorce before you decided to be a cheater. if you were so unhappy it would make more since to leave then find another instead of putting your spouse through all that.

  27. What I have noticed is: people think the only reason marriages break up is from cheating. That’s so shallow. Like sex is the only thing that keep a marriage together these days? If that’s the case then there should be no marriages! Then too- you must ask yourself why your partner cheated? Were you possible the reason? What mistakes were you doing other than cheating? -yelling? Not being tender? Maybe not doing your job in this partnership? Cheating is a final act of a relationship that is missing communication and tenderness! We can blame it on the cheater of course that’s obvious but something tells me there were areas in that relationship that was dying long before the cheating!!! Really doesn’t matter who we blame when it’s over because it’s over! You can have sex with anyone but can you live with just anyone? Today people use sex like a drug “it takes care of the pressures right then and there!” but like drugs it will come back and kick you in the butt!! There is no reason to blame and dwell on the hurt but learn from the first marriage so you don’t act like a fool the next time around and this goes for the non-cheater too!! Find out where you may have taken advantage of the other partner!!! I’m talking to Christians!! For those who don’t know God, you’re just gambling with your life!! Jesus is the true lover of your soul and everyone else is just a hand from him!! Open your eyes people.

    1. Many of your responses have the wisdom of God but I respectfully have to bring what I have gained in understanding over the 34 years of being married to a man who was somehow too self centered to continue to stay faithful to the Lord

      He refused to continue to learn about how God would instruct him in order to live his life and be in a marriage relationship according to the design of God

      He refused to regard the opportunity of being in marriage to learn about he value of boundary keeping and focus upon what he had asked God for in the gift of a bride

      His disregard for the truths of the need for learning the value of maintenance of anything ….particularly his love for God and for the wife he once could not live without has played out in every other aspect of his life…and the lives of those he has taken from

      His attitude has been revealed in his own words as to why he did not believe faithfulness applied to him

      When asked why he did not leave to be with the OW he replied that “she was not the whole package”

      Yet he agreed to give her two children as she wanted not to marry but to become “a single mom by choice ”
      As if God made a mistake when He determined the design of man and marriage as being one man and ONE woman til death
      If a man will obey God and do what he is given instruction to do within marriage he will become matured and too busy to consider the lies that come into his mind every time his wife appears to him to “not be the whole package” either!

      But God must have made a mistake when it came to MY husband !

      No one person is “enough” for those who see themselves as “requiring” everyone else to meet their unique specifications.
      Even so before marriage these various specifications were discussed at length

      His desire for me to to be his wife for life despite any and all differences we tried to review and consider were met with constant assurances that no differences would destory his affection for me and they would only enhance and build our bond as one through our lives

      He initiated the whole relationship even as we both acknowledged the need to build and deal with any conflicts

      Yet shortly after we married he began to refuse to continue to learn about or from personal relationship with the Lord and withdrew to living as a closed distant person
      I had lived in ministry for a number of years and had known the need to evaluate all things by the Word and the need for transparent and loving communication

      I did not ignore the need to open up and respectfully share in all matters

      He seemed to believe that he did not need to reveal anything to me and that I was supposed to just KNOW how to please him

      Since that time I tried to respect his decisions and desires but would not neglect to inform him how I did not get married to be alone and do everything alone as he got further and further into his way of making decisions and then coming to me to “decide” which actually ended up being his way to manipulate me to agree despite considering all of those who his choices would effect

      No one was going to hinder him getting what he wanted for his own pleasure and happiness

      This kind of manipulation plays out in such a way as to give the impression he was honoring me with some consideration in making there end choice but set up in a way knowing I wanted him to be “supported ” , respected and happy …so he dynamic included reactions on his part of his pouting or unhappiness conveyed in ways that communicated I was responsible for his happiness which hinged upon him making all decisions also based upon the threat of financial loss and family stability

      Men with weak character will prey upon women’s natural desire for stability for their families in this way

      I married and after children left my career to become the support and cheerleader of my husband….as it would seem scripture exhorts the wife to do….a godly man will not use that to his selfish ambitions and lusts

      I stayed home and home educated our children

      It is instructive to noted that just because a person claims to “believe” in. Christ it does not follow that they are submitted and committed to walking in the way that builds character and love for Him by daily reckoning the old man dead and growing up learning from the Bible how to do that

      Gods word will reveal to the faithful lover of Christ how He will equip us in all godly learning and living If we are willing to learn and apply what He has set forth

      My husband chose to deny the truth to “be not conformed to this world but be he transformed by the renewing of your mind” he refused the way God would teach him which would have opened his eyes to all of what God had provided for him to be satisfied

      The devil never gives up his effort to steal kill and destroy …especially marriage since it is the image of Christs love for His bride, the church.

      When a man refuses to lead by the things that Gos would equip him with he will try to live led by his own carnal thinking I submitted to God he will be led by his flesh…..even in marriage lust has no place

      No one can fill up a lustful desire

      Lust is never satisfied

      Therefore anything based upon or justified by the sinful drive of lust will not be sufficient…no woman will be “he whole package” for a man who refuses to rein his thinking by the Wordof God who is Jesus Christ

      If a person will not submit to obey the command to study the Word and deny himself….to submit and commit to follow after the Lord believing He is and is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him….then they appeal of the things that tempt him will be endless and become his destruction.

      Without a true recognition of this there is little appreciation for mercy and forgiveness and there will be a soon return to the muddy mess he wallowed in before

      True repentance sees the depth of the devastation of sin and runs from it and runs to learn how to avoid becoming ensnared

      Only the truth of Gods word pursued in personal desire for the Lord combined with actions to learn from personal time and effort to be taught of Him by way of His word and the Holy Spirit in truth will break the bondage to fleshly desire and practice of sin

      I know this is so

      The power of sin is broken once a person stops justifying defying Gods word and thinking it doesn’t apply to him!

      Everyone pain and suffering of my husbands adulterous behavior and self serving choice to have his “private life” continues to go on without him entering into the process of healing himself

      He continues to pay the bills but thinks his life is hidden somehow

      The Lords love is revealed in how He will reveal sin in someone’s life not for revenge….that will occur at the judgment when all who sin without the Saviour will have to pay for their own sin if they did not receive the offer of the full pardon through Jesus Christs sacrificial death

      The necessity for someone in willful sin is to have it exposed so they might suffer before hey lose the opportunity to repent and seek the forgiveness that they need from God which would break the clutches of satan who doesn’t want them to be delivered

      Now is the day of salvation….waiting is not wise

      Repent and turn from sin to the Savior without whom no one shall enter the Kingdom of God which is soon to be revealed

      Jesus Christ is the only hope for anyone born into this world….born in tressapsses and sin

      God resists he proud but gives grace to the humble…humble yourself therefore under the mighty hand of God and Christ will lift you up

  28. You are so spot on. Divorce changes your life forever. Marriage vows are and should be sacred. I have been through divorce and no one comes out of it not scarred. I am Christian and my ex has remarried. Live with regret every day of not trying to save my marriage and walked away due to infidelity. Your lives will never be the same. Thank God daily for his mercy and grace and that regardless of what has been done to me, he is a forgiving and loving God and a God of redemption. I was married to minister and thought it would have never happened to me but Christians the devil is alive and roaming to destroy marriages. We have to stay strong in our faith and flee from Satan , he seeks to destroy our lives.

  29. From living my life post affair and hearing all the horror stories my life could have been….I AM BLESSED!!!

    My husband caught a conversation (wasn’t the affair) but that conversation had caught me in a lie. To which after we discussed that he asked if I had anything else to tell him. I confessed everything.

    He was devastated. After a moment he asked if I had asked God to forgive me. I had. Then he asked if I had forgiven myself. I was trying. He followed that up by not caring about the later but that if God could forgive me, then who was he not too? ……. That right there, still makes me cry.

    I had all the excuses, but in the end excuses are just that. Thankfully, we have a better marriage now because we didn’t fix what was broke but we decided to create something new, truly amazing.

    Now, I believe, I’m assn even stronger advocate for marriage! I’ve taken what’s happened to me and I’ve tried to help others, even people who were on the other side of it than me. Good had given me so many opportunities to shine through me because he truly used something that could have killed me to bring him glory.

    I have told all my friends about my past because I don’t want them to think that if they were to find themselves in a troubling situation, that no one would understand. I know, because I thought no one would for me, so I went to no one. Granted none of them were told until after my husband and I changed, so it was evident that God truly had worked a miracle through us.

    I know I’m blessed and I don’t take it for granted. I see how different things could be and I’m grateful that they aren’t. But I will say this… BE HONEST! CONFESS YOUR SINS TO YOUR SPOUSE! Do NOT allow this to lie dormant just because they don’t suspect you. The word explains you will reap what you sow, and lies never stay hidden, don’t be foolish. It’s best to be an honest cheater than a hiding one. Because frankly if your spouse finds out through other means than you… I’m sorry but that’s just another thing you have to make an excuse for.

    No, not all cases will end like mine. I’m bladder beyond measure and I know it every day. Most will end horribly but in the end you have to live with you and being the most honest and open version is the best. Mainly because self forgiveness is the hardest, Even for someone as blessed as myself.

  30. very good article. I was reading number 14 and tried to relate it to my circumstance. I could not. my ex got caught in a very powerful emotional and physical affair with a much younger married man. she got found out after she said she wanted a divorce. the only pain she felt was when he dumped her. as far as the gain well the law said she could gain to much. so to lesson the damage I signed over my paid for house and my entire retirement. I was granted all the debt and happily got my son full time. she never looked back after 22 years of marriage nor did she ever interfere with the raising of my son. she went on to pursue greener grass and has not stopped partying and treating her body like a motel ever since. so it turned out her gain far out weighed my pain.

  31. From experience, if the cheater (woman) can shift the blame to the other party (man) most if not all that was said here is shifted also, at least in the eyes of those siding with her. After all, isn’t the problem always the guy? While forgiveness (even if not requested, is necessary) the pain of the knowledge of the lies told to my children and the relationships with them broken by her lies were worse than the her cheating.

  32. I’m watching a colleague chest on his wife who is mildly ill. He’s 50 and the woman is 48. They constantly are with one another and ride all over the city together under the guise of work. They work late and spend weekends outside the office together. Supposedly working. Wife thinks he’s working but the entire office thinks they are having an affair. Even if it’s not physical, with all the time they spend together, it’s got to be emotional, She’s newly divorced so she’s happy to get any attention she can. He’s been on the prowl since he started working. He finally found someone who took the bait.

  33. I have never been in a relationship before I met the love of my life so I will say that I’m a bit inexperienced in the relationship field. However, I should not fully blame my inexperience for me cheating on my boyfriend (now ex) of 6 years. I am so remorseful for what I’ve done and I hate myself everyday for causing him SO MUCH PAIN. I’ve prayed to God endlessly for help — to have my ex boyfriend recover from his pain, hurt, anger and other emotions I’ve caused him. I cannot forgive myself unless he is happy and has gotten over all this.
    On the other hand, I pray to God to allow us two to renew our relationship. To move past the pain we’ve been through and make a new and MUCH STRONGER future. I also pray that he can trust me again and know that I won’t be unfaithful again. We definitely lacked in communication and that was the reason I cheated. I take full responsibility in my wrongdoing and know that I will never do such a thing EVER. It’s not worth the hurt.
    I doubt he will give me a second chance. We were also so close to getting married…

  34. This article is so well written. As a spouse that was cheated on and left for the other woman , it really was great to read this. And so true. After catching my ex husband of more than 20 years cheatibg with his co co worker, I tried everything to save my marriage. The truth is you cannot change s cheater. They don’t have character, they are liars and deceivers. Finally realizing this I put all emotions aside, hired an aggressive attorney and filed for divorce. It was all about money, so true. And did I ever win this case. My ex lost everything , his home, his money , his family and the love and respect of his only child, his son. I cut off all contact completely , changed my email and phone no. All communication went throughh lawyer. With gods help andy lawyer I got this “thorn” ouf of my body. A thorn that caused so much pain. I am very happy and at peace now. Nobody deserves to be lied to and cheated on. If he was so unhappy and unfulfilled in his marriage hd should have asked for a divorce. Instead he was a liar, a coward and a selfish bastard. I am thankful for his little whore. They are both cops and deserve each other. I am glad she is my repkacement. Now he can lie to her once fresher , younger , more sexy supply crosses his path. I am rid of him. Thank God.

  35. Oh my word how I felt like just crying when I read this article. I am 30 years old and have been together with my husband 7 years, married for 6 and we have a beautiful 5 year old girl. We are Christian and are very active in the ministry. A few months ago I met up with a cousin of mine whom I wasn’t quite close to when we were growing up, she is married about 8 years now and has two kids. We started being close and just sharing our lives and struggles and I was really happy to have found her. I started visiting at her home often and it was through all that up and down to her house that I met up with her husband’s younger brother. From the first day we met there was some force of attraction between the both of us and in no time we were full blast into a relationship. My husband lives in another city and comes home on weekends so I had all the time. I have slept with this man, it even came to a point where I was spending consecutive nights with him. He is 22 years old, he is highly attractive and undoubtedly turns the heads of any women who see him. He was very loving, actually too loving to the point of me thinking of leaving my husband to be full time with him. The thing is I really love my husband and I have tried to break things off with this young man and it has really gotten messy as he does not want to break up and has now started threatening that he will kill himself if I leave him. I am now consumed with the guilt of cheating on my husband but even worse this young man who doesn’t wanna let me go. I am now scared that he will so something stupid like deliberately sabotage my marriage. Please, please help me out

    1. Sweetheart, first off you can only control you and what you do. Honestly you need to do whatever it takes to stay in your marriage if you are going to stay. What that young man does is his own decision. You have to realize what he does is not your responsibility. He k ew going into this you were married and honestly you need to be honest with your husband about your relationship after its ended. All “backup plans” need to be destroyed and your marriage needs to be restored. Not easy but its doable. Your husband deserves your respect, not the young man because worrying about what he claims he’ll do….would you be anymore concerned if your husband said he’d divorce you if you didn’t stop? Your husband is your priority, act like it.
      Not trying to be rude but I’ve been in your shoes and honestly the young man isn’t sabotaging your marriage….you are.

  36. You’re the biggest ___ ever lol what? you couldn’t stop feeling sorry for yourself and what you did to others so you didn’t wanna carry that stone alone? If you cheat then you better be ready to eat the shit that comes after. You couldn’t take it anymore so you decided to tell everyone your burden. Now they will carry that burden and make them respect you less. If you’re gonna cheat, carry the burden that you did what you did and hopefully you learned from it and you’ll never do it again. You unnecessarily fucked your life up.

  37. Good blog. However its not always so cut and dry: “It is better to live in a corner of the roof Than in a house shared with a contentious woman.”

  38. Ok i get how cheating is bad and one shouldn’t do it, escpecially not when you have children. Having said that, I think people are a little to harsh with cheaters. Reading the comments, one would think cheating is as bad as murder. Granted, Cheating is a major breach of trust and that is the real problem here. If you can’t trust your partner then what good is he (she) to you ? On the other hand, throwing everything away and breaking up families because your spouse has cheated would go to far for me. That might be because my parents have lived in an open relationship and even though i wouldn’t do the same and don’t think it necessarily works, I wouldn’t kick my wife out (if we had children), unless I had the feeling that she doesn’t love me anymore.

    1. I will not judge you 4 urge opinion but I will day that cheating is worse then murder, why? Because u kill a relationship between two people, u kill the trust, the love and if there r children u kill a family because nothing will ever b the same, if u stay together or not. There can b forgiveness but every once in a while there’s going to b doubt on the person who was cheated on. This may be wrong but it is HUMAN!

    2. Missing the whole point and design of God who is perfect and all wise and all good all the time for human beings who have limited scope of Vision and have a heart that is deceitful and wicked from the Fall

      Without knowledge of the purpose of marriage people are disappointed in the results which are the fruit of their fleshly make something designed by devinity into something they think from their flesh is for themselves only

      To require marriage to be what the vain imaginations fed by the world, the flesh and the devil to be what all of that would promise is futile

      Pursuit of personal gai. and happiness is the skewed perspective of living life apart from truth

      It’s like expecting your computer to fry an egg….it will not do the job and will destroy the computer

      Read the manual provided by the designer

      The spouse you chose will please you when they also are instructed by the designer

      Jesus Christ set the standard for how to succeed in what He has designed for our good and blessing

      Too many blame God for the fruit of their neglect and rebellion against the wisdom and deliverance from ignorance of how life and marriage works and their part in it for His glory and our good!

      Actually present day gender neutralization has had a lot to do with how people have been destroyed for lack of knowledge of how the designer actually had the best plan for each person within their gender design

      Don’t assign to God what is due to fallen and rebellious man’s choices independent of the wisdom of God

      That’s what Adam did and look where that has gotten us!

  39. Jake – I used to believe the same as you, that I wouldn’t kick my husband out if I found out he cheated on me. However after being cheated on I have a totally different viewpoint. My husband’s infidelity caused him to lie and those lies are what ate away at our marriage. Instead of explaining what was happening so that we could work on things he snuck around. He was angry at the kids and I for no reason, spent more time away from home, lied to us and his friends about where he was and what he was doing. He lied in marriage counseling. He lied to his family. It is the lies that kill the marriage.
    My ex husband has lost a great deal because of the lies and his affair. Even he would tell you that he never expected to lose so much. It is very easy to believe one way until you are actually in that situation. But once you begin to know the truth it changes everything and sometimes that can be overcome.

  40. Thankyou very much for sharing your story & the pain u hubby became a cheater since year 2010 and 8 went through a lot of pain and problems.The forgiving part is not very easy and it takes time.I lost trust in my husband and yes it will take a long time to build this trust again.

  41. Hi.. i need help. I am all the above in situation right now. I am girl whom devastated to mend my ways to my boyfriend coz i cheated in him. He forgave me but everday i feeling so bad and so scared of losing him totally . Pls guide me what shd i do as a girl part ?

  42. How does a person who cheats use the excuse “i did it because I don’t want to get hurt” .
    Yet its acceptable to hurt me. I took him back as he convinced me I was the one and that he loved me. At a time when i was vulnerable frail and weak.
    It became so bad that he would go out and cone back looking around for evidence of me being unfaithful. I couldn’t even have a friend female or male as if i had a phone call or sms it would hurt him and give grounds for him to cheat and justify it. Was prostitutes but im sure there’s another relationship. I became pregnant and he convinced me that we were going to be a family and get a house and be together. And has left me with nothing cheated on me whilst pregnant with his child with a whore putting our health at risk. I could see it in his face. It took a lot to get out of him and only partially the truth. He just keeps lying. Why me when we were close friends for 2 years before the drama relationship. I fell in love and i thought he felt it too. I still think he does but because of past whores he chose to be with im punished for their behavior. He trusted me more when we were friends. Even though i never lied to him. Now im pregnant and so emotionally crippled I feel dead inside. It hurts so much. When do i chose myself and say enough is enough as it will never end. And this excuse is that he thinks im out to getvhim for all the other times. Why even bother being with me? I just can’t understand why you would be with someone and waste energy on cheating and hurting them instead of putting that on the one your with. How different things would have been. But i really feel like it was all a lie and im a fool
    all i can do is keep going and not look back.

  43. Almost to the day a year ago I discovered my wife had an affair. She lied about the extent of it for months and put our family on a roller coaster of turmoil for the next four months. During the four months she drank and kept acting out. We went to counseling and she wanted to save the marriage but later I found out she was lying. Over this period we separated and got back together but her behavior would drive me away. The final act was we went to a counseling session had a nice dinner made weekend plans with the kids. Needless to say I could not find her on a Saturday night went to our house and found another man in our bed. She and the man attacked me and I ended doing damage to him and getting in a lot of trouble. We lived in a small town and the event was made public news and social media. She was also kind enough to file a false police report. It has changed my life and I am trying to rebuild but it has not been easy. Because of my actions she was granted a PFA and I don’t get to see my kids. She ended up moving with yet another man not the two previous ones she slept with. This one was waiting on the bench. I went and got tested a week after the second event and turned up positive for an STD.My professional life is over now that I have a criminal charge. Later our marriage counselor confided in me saying my wife is Histrionic. I had never heard that word in my life but when she read the definition to me it fit her like a glove. She makes numerous attempts to contact me,stalks me and wants to get back together because the new 6 month relationship is crumbling. Not that I believe her. I just want her to go away.

    1. This is such a tragic turn of events. The Devil is having a heyday attacking all leadership in all areas of society as he knows his time is short and getting shorter.

      People who do not put on the helmet of salvation …the new birth AND renew their minds on the Word of God are vulnerable more and more to deception…even many churches are going down the road of neglect of scripture to gulp up false teachers ear tickling , fables and various doctrines of devils ..opting for fleshly experience over the wisdom of GOD and learning to apply it to life, and especially marriage.

      The vile and corrupting influences of the world through many avenues take the minds away from learning how to THINK and thus live rightly.

      So sad for you …but it is not surprising ….if those of the faith do no live by the Word then what power do they have …the scriptures tell us …they have a form of godliness but deny the power of the Holy Spirit and humble themselves to be taught of Him by way of His word.

      I am not without much experience of the way this deadly and wicked mindset has been rampaging and ruining lives. We are in a recovery state with what is left of our family after my husband went into a secret life and now it is his sorrow but he STILL refuses to allow that he can learn anything from anyone.

      Living by the flesh …appetites and opinions is a sad and destructive way to go as you know…I am overcoming by further study of the Word and staying close to my Savior ….examining all things by study of the Word because much of what is being accepted by Christians is going off the rails….only by being Bereans will we be taught by Him and taking everything to evaluated by the God Breathed Word.

      Having a spouse who is taken up by the world , the flesh and various deceptions is so very painful but nothing is outside of the view of our Lord and He has set perimeters for us to know what His jurisdiction is in dealing with these things and what we are also able to do .

      May your heart be in His keeping…and may the Wisdom available to you in this situations from His Word help you maintain hope in His working this through ….and certainly that you will be once again reconciled with your family….even your wife can be redeemed …but it may take time…in the meantime …no matter what you are feeling now …allow the Lord to make the most of this situation to teach you .

      Perhaps in this space of time you are going to grow more than ever before …despite the pain you feel.> You are not alone in this kind of assault by the Devil but HE loses …so we do not want to give him any more to laugh at than he has already,…WE WIN because Jesus rose from the dead and we who believe in Him as our Lord and Savior were risen with Him….

      In the meantime we are given this life span to overcome by trusting in what HE has said He is willing and able to do ..we find that out by continuing to go to Him , ask for His comfort and help and guidance into the all truth of His Word.

      May God bless and keep you during this temporary time.

      Act 17:11 These were more noble than those in Thessalonica, in that they received the word with all readiness of mind, and searched the scriptures daily, whether those things were so.

      I pray that you will ask Him to give you the readiness of mind that this verse speaks of so that you can benefit the most from your time in the scriptures.

      Jas 1:21 Wherefore lay apart all filthiness and superfluity of naughtiness, and receive with meekness the engrafted word, which is able to save your souls.

      For those who have trusted Jesus Christ as their Savior …all of His accomplishments are past tense and belong to us …so we HAVE the victory and life that is His Gift to us!

      Mat 12:50 For whosoever shall do the will of my Father which is in heaven, the same is my brother, and sister, and mother.

      Take heart !

  44. Psa 84:11 For the LORD God is a sun and shield: the LORD will give grace and glory: no good thing will he withhold from them that walk uprightly.

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  46. I cheated on my girlfriend of 10 years. An amazing woman who waited for me while I served an overseas tour and supported me through all my decisions – to go back to school, during the FDNY academy and other rocky paths. The affair had ended but she found old emails. It crushed her. I broke her heart and now living with the knowledge that I hurt her and in the process lost the one woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with…. I hope your words and maybe my story can prevent one person who has not yet crossed that line from making what will be a horrible mistake. I’ll forever miss her. At this point I just get through the hours, days, weeks and months but have lost the capacity for joy. I am not even sure I deserve to have it ever again. But thank you for sharing your deeply personal story.

  47. My father cheated on my mother, but he also caused her pain. He stole 19,000 worth of credit and forged her name on taxes. He did not pay the rent and my mother was sent to court. He lied to her about retirement. Basically he stopped it about 4 years ago to save a few dollars — my mother knew nothing about this until I started to research her qualifications and banking.

    He divided a family for lust, put brother against brother. Blamed his own son for his actions. how anyone can do this after years of marriage is beyond me. I called his work looking for him since he stopped calling 3 months ago. The person on the other end ( Cheating women) Called my mother a bitch and me a punk — and if i called back again they would call the cops on me for harassment. Only called one time and it was two questions. ( He needs to talk with my mother about theft — He needs to help my mother with finances )

    On top of all this he claims to be a Christian who loves God.

  48. By their fruit you will know them

    Not everyone who says Lord Lord are known of Him
    Many may claim the name of Jesus Christ but as Jesus told us the most increasing distinction of the days leading up to the seventieth week of Daniel…would be DECEIT both in apostate church and in the world

    His willful choices make his claim to be a Christian highly suspect
    Don’t let a person deter your own relationship with Jesus Christ

    He has prepared a table in the presence of our enemies
    Jesus will keep those who genuinely do what He says
    Take comfort in your own relationship with Jesus and fill up on the Word
    The days grow short
    2 Tim 2:15

  49. I too know this experience. I was the person who was cheated on and emotionally abused for months by my wife. I went from having a home and career to nothing – literally nothing. I depend on whatever work I can find to pay for rent and a room. I ended up losing my health, savings, and any chance of a pension.

    I went from a health 30 something and ended up as a 52 year old with zero prospects all because my partner chose to play around. I have spent nearly 18 years trying to pull my life back together and it is not getting any better.

    (Discovering only recently that my boss (now ex boss) was cheating on his wife brought all the pain and self doubt back in huge waves all over again.)

    As a result of all of this, ending my own life voluntarily is a thought a lot in my head these days. I just exist with no real purpose. The pain and the depression are indescribable often to people who do not understand. Needless to say I never really trust anyone these days

    1. Dear Anonymous,
      My heart is touched for you and all that you’ve been through. There is no way to know exactly what you are feeling and experiencing, but I can tell you this—your life is important to the plan of God and your purpose in rooted in Him. It is awful what happened in your relationship. No one should have to experience such betrayal and pain. I encourage you to begin focusing forward and searching for what God has for you now. He will use your past as a portal to His future for you. Don’t linger in the suffering of your past—it’s dead and you’re alive. Praise Jesus! You are victorious each day that you survive. Now defeat the true enemy (Satan) and LIVE! Don’t allow him to steal anything else from you. You can establish joy, peace, happiness, and fulfillment in your life today. Trust the Father to lead you each day and will yourself up out of this depression. In my experience, when I focus my attention on helping others, my problems seem to fade in the background and I can see my purpose more clearly. Give it a try and let me know how you’re doing. Praying for you!

    2. I can relate. I am sorry you had to go through this too! I really hope you don’t end your life. The world needs more loyal people like us. Please think of the other loyal people around you who might need your friendship and kindness.

  50. Dear anonymous
    My heart breaks a all over again as I read your sad sorrowful words.the state you are in is so desparate
    I know the Lord Jesus who is the healer of broken hearts but we still do know the depth of pain from a betrayal so cold and cruel

    It is actually sometimes more difficult for those who are compassionate to believe that others are capable of such evil

    For me scripture explains the state of those as not just lost in their fallen dead state which knows nothing of the God of the truth of the Bible but is run around by the forces of evil which are presently able to influence those who have not pursued to know Jesua Christ

    This may also include those who have aimed to have Jesus Christ but who have not known Him through a relationship built upon knowledge of the Word

    They are deceived by ideas ABOUT God but are not evaluated by their own study of scripture and the Lord teaching them personally as they go
    Deception is one of the big things Jesus told us would be huge as we get closer to His return

    A false Christianity which does not stand upon the scripture in truth but is only a form

    I hurt deeply and know the pain of the condition of broken trust as my marriage of now 34 years is still waiting for my husband to deal honestly and rightly with the life he was blessed with and has no conscience to care to deal with it

    He as all who do not repent and turn to Christ are lost and as scripture says dead in their sins and under the condemnation and judgment upon sin pronounced from the Fall

    God who knows the depth of having been betrayed as Jesus was…still extends loving forgiveness to all ..for all have sinned and come short of the glory of God
    He doesn’t want any to perish but all to come to the knowledge of the truth….to repent and trust in Jesus Christ in whom we are made righteous and justified …escAping that judgement which all sin must endure among those who do not have Jesus as Saviour
    He paid the debt we could not win he was tempted in all ways like we are yet he did no sin
    None can do what He has done for whomsoever is willing to come to Him and ask for Him to be Saviour and Lord

    The only one who was raised when we were justified…having paid in full for our fallen sinful condition
    Those who live by flesh and do not care to know Him are not only lost in this life but will stand before God to account for sin they lived in without a Saviour

    This is fearful
    Since Jesus knows the pain of betrayal he is able and willing to counsel and comfort all who are of a broken heart

    He also is responding to those who realize their need for a Saviour and whose hearts are broken over discovering the condition of need ….being poor in spirit

    He will help you …for in our weakness His strength is perfected and we realize His presence

    There is only one mediator between God and man…the man Jesus Christ and there is no other name under heaven whereby we must be saved…Jesus Christ
    Perhaps the very purpose of your life will come clear when you go to his Word and ask Him to help you understand these things and then how to live beyond this very difficult and painful season of your life

    Jesus Christ gave his life…the just for the unjust
    What will you do with Jesus Christ?

  51. Cheaters are liars, period. And if you cheat you will be caught. If the director of the CIA was not able to hide his affair , then what makes a regular person think they won’t get caught. Getting caught inflicts even more pain into the faithful spouse. Do cheaters think about the pain they inflict on their children ? Basically a cheater says “my hate for my spouse is larger than the love for my children “. I divorced my husband of 20 years because I could never trust him again. No truth no trust no love. My ex husband lied , cheated and tried to play me like a fool. He underestimated me and now is paying the price in form of PERMANENT SPOUSAL SUPPORT Cheaters are so dumb. They think that the grass is greener on the other side. I truly enjoy getting his monthly alimony check. Every time he writes that check out to me it should be a reminder for him what an idiot he is.

  52. Even after you forgive, the pain and mistrust are always lying beneath the surface. Some say if you forgive that means trust is automatically restored, well it’s not! Trust is earned, plain and simple. And the cheater needs to do everything in their power to reassure their faithful spouse that THEY ARE WORTH the effort it takes to restore their faith in them!!

  53. I got an STD from my ex-husband. High risk HPV. 80% of women will have it by age 50. I found out because I had severe cervical pre-cancer. I had to have a hysterectomy at age 31 to avoid getting cervical cancer. I’ll always wonder if it was from a prior girlfriend before we met or one of his mistresses during our marriage. I’ve been single for 8 years after our divorce because I just can’t image committing to someone else after what I went through in the marriage and then getting an STD. It has taken me a long time to even start to believe in myself after all the crap he said to me, cutting me down after the affair discovery. I was faithful during the entire marriage and had never been with anyone before my ex. There’s no way I deserve this. So, there’s a point to add to your list. If you cheat, you might give an STD to the one you promised to love and protect. I know not everyone will care about that, but maybe someone will think twice.

    1. Wow. This is so terrible. The husband we trust to protect and cherish us, to love us and be there for us, subjects us to std’s and who knows what. I was very worried about this after discovering my ex husbands affair with a young co worker. A party girl half his age. Luckily I was ok. I am so sorry for what your husband had done to you. It’s selfish , it’s evil and it is plain wrong. No I never trusted my husband of 20 years again. And I am sure this little minion was not the first one. Maybe the first time he got caught. And also the last time as I filed for divorce And never talked to him again. It has been 3 years now since that awful day. He almost pushed me over the edge. Very close to it. He betrayed me as mentally ill. As the crazy wife. And he was the poor victim. The highly respected military retiree. The highly respected cop. In truth he was a liar and s cheater. My life is good now. Evil is gone. God gave me victory. There is always light in the darkness. You just have to stay strong and persistent in the no contact. I will ever communicate with the devil again. Thank God for good divorce attorneys.

    2. My husband gave me gonorrhea while I was pregnant with our son. He is the only person I have ever been with. I want to work out our marriage. I do not believe in divorce & I want our family together, but he doesn’t want anything to do with me. My life has been completely turned upside down & the longer he continues his affair, the more my family despises him. I just don’t know what to do.

  54. My boyfriend of 5 years left me to marry someone eles he dint even had audacity to call n tell me he is getting married to another girl ..its my fault dat I trusted a lier n a cheater.. But he is happy with his decision. .while me having a hard time just accepting wat has happened. .truely wish he gets back watever he deserves

    1. Hi Sasha

      Take my word for it….you dodged a bullet

      And he WILL learn of his character deficit sooner or later which would be good for him lest he live a long life of wickedness and end unsaved

      I know you are stunned and hurting right now but take time to learn how to spot and avoid such characters who lack what it takes to live rightly

      It’s better you find out now than after years of marriage as many are finding out now

      Only a man who is willing to be taught of God and learn what real love is will he be matured and become a man as God has put forth the opportunity for Him to guide a man in what it takes to take part in a genuine and authentic relationship that grown ups realize marriage is

      Never give a man what he won’t wait for

      If he will not govern his flesh before marriage he is not prepared to know why it matters in the long term of life

      Without this they will not know the secret of how to be content with the gift of a wife and keep his love for her protected and growing in this world of tempting “options” which are equivalent to shadows

      Reminds me of the dog who has a bone and upon crossing a bridge over a stream sees the reflection of the bone and dog in the water and drops the bone he has for the reflection

      Gets what’s coming to him….nada

      Keep yourself safe from those who don’t know what to do with a PERSON….or what their sexuality is for, for that matter

      Marriage is for real men

      Sexual “shopping ” is for the unlearned and ignorant

      Especially in this age of raving STDs

      1. Lovely
        What a great, smart written reply. I one hundred percent agree with you. They will be left with absolutely NOTHING. Like my ex. He lost everything. Even his money because he now must pay spousal support to the “SO CSLKEE CRAZY EX WIFE ” which is me. His faithful wife for over 20 years, thrown away like garbage . Taking him to court was a pleasure for me. I entire every second of it. Finally someone pug him in his place. I don’t care what minion he is with now or where he lives. As long as I get my monthly check, he does not exist for me. Period. And yes, subjecting your faithful wife to possible std’s is plain evil. What if his mistress wanted me destroyed , he put me at risk. I will never forget what he pug me through. I know God too him away so I can have peace. Forever blessed and grateful. Thank God for great divorce attorneys in this country and also good alimony laws in the state of Florida.

  55. Kaya50

    So sorry you have had this experience after such a long marriage
    My marriage image is going on 36 years as I am still married but the man is still AWOL

    That is one of th things I have learned from my continued study of the Word of God

    The wisdom was to protect us all

    But without letting Gods word be our guide and counsel we all suffer

    The wisdom is not meant to be kill joy

    But today many regard Christianity which is based upon what the Bible will reveal to anyone who will seek and study too ancient to apply to today’s fast moving and more “wise” in their own eyes than the Creator and designer of man who He made.

    So painful consequences follow

    May you and all of us be informed by the wisdom of God as taught by the Word who is Jesus

    Why don’t more people regard this as applicable?

    Maybe because the attitude we have seen pretty much abounding is that how we see God advised boundaries to protect us is too “restrictive”

    I for one have learned boundaries can be most useful and worthy
    Skin keeps our innards from falling out!

    That’s a great “boundary”

    Well…thank you for your comment and encouragement

    May you continue to heal going forward


  56. Today is my birthday…..69th
    This Fall will be our 36th wedding anniversary
    It will also be the third year since my husband walked out because he “our marriage was over long ago” and he has “always wanted a separate life”
    Huh…that was news to me and our family.

    I discovered his secret double life at year 26 of our marriage
    I found the photos of two children he had had with one of his OW
    I had a successful career and another one which I ceased when I stayed at home with our children to raise and teach both the Bible and faith walk as well as a academic through high school
    So nine years I am still standing for our marriage
    I don’t condemn those who divorce
    I still remain married as I hope in the Lord dealing with him and turning him around

    In the meantime I have no capacity to become employed and my husband goes on down the road paying for child support for those two born of adultery which I agreed was a must

    Our finances are depleted to a pay check to pay check level…all retirement gone as well as any other assets

    All this while he continues to work he is younger and can..and must

    We are children who are grown and still at home … does come into the lives of the adult children of adulters ….despite our faith in the Lord..people are to be vetted

    My husband serves himself and his desires first as he has a nice towns house and bought a bit expensive dog.

    I don’t know who he is with or even if he is with Anyone..he says he hates the OW he was cheating and having children with for 14 years

    He “tried” to heal our marriage but it was a lie…even speaking renewed vows and then a few months later walked out.mayne he had finally gotten the new place all ready and he finally was able to leave…and he left everything ….office stuff…everything

    He did pay our living expenses…after the other children …even over and above child support …private scbool tuition

    He will not speak to me….he will not see me …and the last time we saw him going through town with yet another woman…someone he finally told me that he had been dating and she thought he was divorced

    How can I look forward to a healed marriage?

    A good question..I pray for him to be delivered from his blindness as only God almighty can do..for nothing that he has known from the Bible …nothing seems to penetrate his heart

    He’s happy …things are going HIS way…
    These times are mind boggling how people are having their understanding darkened in more and more ways we see

    I am thankful for my life and my Saviour and my relationship with Jesus Christ but I am sorrowful to see the way many who otherwise appear to be caring and generous people have found Justification for their out right abandonment of that which is godly and good and healthy

    Will we be reconciled?….that still remains to be seem

    He will have to have a gigantic wake up call….

    I have begun to ask the Lord for more wisdom and protection …my days are filled with doing laundry….dishes….and Bible 24/7.

    I spent my life loving the Lord and throughout our marriage loving and respecting my husband ….it seems it only gave him the freedom to use all of us for his props ….

    God help those by whom offenses come

  57. Oops used my other posting name com another site..sorry

    Anyway..just wanted to say I enjoy doing my housework…..laundry..dishes…it’s good work and I can listen to Bible and talk with the Lord as I go

    Just wanted to clear this up….keeping my home is a joy and my daughters are also contented “keepers at home”

  58. Sorry I posted under another name I use on another site….”Zaza”

    Just wanted to clarify I love doing my household chores
    Being a wife..mother..and homemaker has been wonderful with space for me to teach my children and be in the Bible

    My past career was glamorous and a lot of work also caused me to appreciate the challenges of the work world so I gave my husband a lot of appreciation and slack

    Being a wife and mother is not as appreciated In today’s society….
    At one point the idea was that there was money to be made getting more women to feel their true value was the work world and two taxable incomes became appealing to government …also it freed the children to be indoctrinated according to the needs of the government as well

    Being a wife and mother of children and learning from God has been wonderful for us all
    But those who love sin hate to come to the light that their works might be exposed

  59. I only wished my exhusband had read this. Sadly, my husband had an affair when I was 8 months pregnant. I was a good wife and always tried to be an equal in the marriage by working full time, taking care of our home and helping to care for his family. When I learned of the affair, I was suffering post partum after our son was just a few months old and I finally confronted him about the affair. He gave me every reason on the planet as to why he had to have an affair and never took any responsibility towards wanting to fix the marriage. When our son was about 18 months old, I found a letter my husband had written to his lover and when I told him I wanted out, he threatened to commit suicide. What I never understood was if he was so unhappy and unwilling to work through the issues why he wasn’t going to let me take my life back and get a divorce. Fast forward nearly 6 years later and he still continues to lie. The person he was having an affair with kicked him out of her house and now he’s with someone else. Once your spouse has had an affair, you need to get out of the marriage and never look back. The affair unfortunately will just be the tip of the iceberg relative to the issues you are likely to uncover. Once a cheater, always a cheater. What’s sad is that the kids are the ones that get hurt the most. My ex thought so little of his son and wouldn’t even attempt to try and work on the marriage.

  60. Wish my husband had read this before starting his affair. The hurt is real, not just mine, but his as well. There is no joy in seeing someone in such pain. Our children are all grown, but I haven’t yet shared with them, and won’t until I have a better idea of our future. We start counseling next week, two-hour sessions, twice a week. I’m hopeful.

  61. I found out a few months AFTER my husband and I married, he had been cheating on me the whole time. Multiple women, physically and all over the internet. I have no idea what to do. Am I bound by God to stay? Part of me still loves him and he is repentful, but the level of pain and anger is more than I can bear at times. I feel tricked and decieved into marrying someone I thought he was. There’s days I look at him and feel like I don’t even know who he is. There’s not words to describe the misery I feel inside. Please help me.

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