A child born of adultery


We had a GREAT question asked to us on our “The Purpose of No Contact” page.  It was such a great question, in fact, that I thought it would be helpful to several others in a similar situation if I wrote a post about it!   Here’s the question:

“What happens when a child is born from adultery, how do you sustain the no contact rule and do what is right for the child?”

The first thing I want you to do is to take a look at that picture at the top of this post.  Can you tell by looking at that picture if that child was conceived in love?  Can you tell if it is a child of rape or of adultery?  You can not tell, can you?  And to the baby…it can not tell either.  It is a human being whom God did not just “allow” to come into this world–He was actively involved in the conception and creating of life–even if the coming together of the sperm and the egg was through sinful circumstances.  So before we go any further, the baby — the child — is not involved in “how it was conceived.”  The child is an innocent, and the child needs love and needs a mom and dad in its life.

Now that that is out of the way, let’s jump into the actual question.  When one spouse is Disloyal and commits adultery, and the Loyal spouse is willing to reconcile, in order for the affair to truly END and the recovery to begin, there has to be complete and utter, 100% NO CONTACT with the Affair Partner.  I think when there is no child conceived, people generally understand why and how to do this.  But when a child IS conceived, what do you do?    HOW do you do it?   It seems impossible to cut all contact with the person who is the other parent of your child, and to be honest, it is extremely difficult!  BUT that is also one of the reasons why affairs are so destructive and the damage is so devastating–because the Disloyal puts the Loyal into the position of having an STD or a child that will be a constant reminder for life!

But getting beyond that, here are some practical ideas:

1.  Bear in mind that when a man and woman have children together and divorce, they may need to communicate ON THE OCCASION, but by-in-large they do not need to talk every day, they do not need to do things for each other, and they are no longer involved in each others’ day-to-day lives.  Thus, when your Disloyal Spouse claims that they need to be mettling in their Affair Partner’s life or be involved doing things on a daily basis… no they don’t.  No matter who is who, the female person had unprotected sex with someone and made a baby, and she made that choice; she’s responsible TO THE CHILD. And likewise the male person had unprotected sex with someone and made a baby, and he made that choice; he is responsible TO THE CHILD.  Now if they had been smart, they would have considered that the reason a person only has sex within a committed, lifetime marriage is for the stability it offers to their potential children!  But they were not smart, and now they do each owe THE CHILD, but neither one of them owes a thing to their adultery partner!!!!!  Their promise was to their spouse, and anything they owe (like loyalty or honor) is to their SPOUSE.

2.  Get everything about the baby/child legal and court-ordered.  Have a legal custody agreement, a legal parenting plan, and a legal child support order.  This is to protect both the Loyal and Disloyal Spouse from an Affair Partner out for revenge, and to the protect the child.  There should be a way to enforce visitation and where the child lives and when, and if there is a court-ordered custody and parenting plan, even if the Other Person goes insane, the court can help you enforce it.  Likewise there should be clearly-defined child support, which protects you by itemizing exactly how much is owed to whom and when…and can document/prove who gave how much to whom and when.  Of course, if you are the Disloyal Spouse you owe it to the child that you created to take care of its needs and provide for the child, same as if you and your spouse had a child together.  If you owe child support, YOU PAY IT–not your spouse.

3. There is absolutely no reason for either of the Affair Partners to email, chat, text or call each other.  Ever.  There can always be an intermediary, and that can be anyone: the Loyal Spouse, a pastor or mentor, a mutual friend, a parent, an attorney, or a day-care person.  The Affair Partner can send any communication to the intermediary, and the intermediary can get  the message to the Disloyal Spouse.  Period.  NO CONTACT.

4.  Exchanging the child does not require contact either!  There is no reason why the child could not be left at an intermediary or neutral place, and this works better as the child gets older.  For example, the “mom” leaves the baby at day care on Wednesday morning and goes to her work…the “dad” picks up the baby at day care Wednesday night on his way home from work.  Then he keeps the child until Sunday, when “dad” drives the child to Sunday School and “mom” picks up the child after Sunday School at church.   The drop off point could be McDonald’s, school, a sport (like if the child is in baseball) or practice, or a park!  When the child is just an infant baby, it may require more time with mom, but even as an infant, the baby could be dropped off and picked up at day care or a mutual friend’s house. Either way… NO CONTACT!

5.  The hardest part of having a child out of adultery is the honest fact that on the occasion there are going to be emergencies–but an “emergency” does not mean “baby mama drama”!!!  It means blood or fire.  It means the child got hurt or is ill.  If the child has a cold–that is not an emergency.  In the event of an actual emergency, I suggest that the Loyal and Disloyal Spouses just have a Mutual Agreement about how to handle it.  If you have a reasonable Other Person, if the affair was literally years ago, and if everyone is out of each others’ lives and pretty respectful, it’s conceivable the Loyal may be okay with the Disloyal getting true emergency contact.  It’s far from ideal, but having an affair is far from ideal!!  On the other hand, some Loyal Spouses may not be able to handle any contact ever, in which case I suggest that the emergency calls go to the Loyal Spouse.  I mean if A and B are married and B had an affair with C and had a child, C could call A and say “There is thus and such emergency” and A could tell B and meet at the Emergency Room!  Chances are that C would not be calling A with every little papercut either.

6.  Finally, if you are a Loyal Wife and your Disloyal Husband got the Other Woman pregnant, it is possible and okay for you to choose to love and raise and accept the child as your own together as a couple.  Likewise if you are a Loyal Husband and your Disloyal Wife got pregnant by the Other Man, there is no law that says you can’t choose to love and raise and accept the child as your own together as a couple either.  My point here is that often people just assume that the baby would live “elsewhere” and that does not HAVE TO be the case.  If you have the love within your heart to adopt a child and love it because you choose to commit to it–then maybe you have the love within to choose THIS child too.   If you can see past the circumstances of how the child came to your life, and instead see all the joys and laughs and energy and fun and life that the child will bring to you… then I encourage you to be the custodial parents!  Show the child what love really is: a choice to treat someone in a loving way.

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268 thoughts on “A child born of adultery

  1. Thank you for posting this and responding to my question. We are doing all of the above, paying child support and have been mediating through our shepherd. We have had a DNA test and the child does belong to my husband. The child i will soon be 3yrs old. Our problem is that she refuses contact because we have, to protect our marriage all that you have written above. She feels that he should go to see the child without me his wife being involved and has therefore withheld contact with the child. This is causing a strain on our marriage. I am trying to do the right by those who did not do the right thing by me. We have 4 children and our family has really suffered. Thanks to God her refusal to agree to contact has given us time to rebuild our marriage and reinstall security for our children. I am being made to feel that I as the wife am causing a barrier to the child knowing who her father is. However I feel that God will want us to put the marriage first. The OP has said when the child grows and if she should ask she will tell her who her father is. Until then she will get on with her life. She has contact with my husbands father and brother and she takes the child there to see her relatives. I understand the child should know who she is related to however I feel long term the child should have been introduced to the familyin acceptance through me and my husband for the benefit of the child. My husband has made many mistakes and he is remorseful and repentant. He has agreed to all the conditions our Pastor has laid out enabling our marriage to repair. My question is do I agree to my husband visiting the child in an agreed location without me? He admitted he would feel very uncomfortable me being present. P

    1. Appeaseme, I am in the same situation. My husband feels guilty for creating a fatherless child, but the ex-mistress says she will not let me around her child (now a toddler). She only wants him to visit on his own, in her house. She moved out of state when she found out that my husband would not leave me and marry her to raise their child together. So they are far away, but my husband still wants to know his child.

      I want all of us (my husband, I, and our child) to have a relationship with the other child. But the ex-mistress is so spiteful, so controlling. I don’t know if I should encourage my husband to go visit them without me. It seems like suicide for our marriage. The ex-mistress is very manipulative. Yet my husband is tormented with guilt…he asks me why his child of marriage has all the blessings of two parents, and his other child is treated by him like a second class citizen, who may grow up feeling abandoned and worthless? (He does pay child support.)

      What have you decided to do since your posting in May?

      1. It is imperative to the future of your marriage that your husband does not see the child without you, both for the benefit of the child and the marriage. Whilst the childs welfare is important nothing must come before the marriage. Your husband will feel guilty until he lets go of the responsibility and allows the Lord to do what he has to do. Yes your husband as the biological father is responsible for the child, however he needs to let go of the need to “fix” the situation. Just like our situation you have both agreed to welcome the child into your lives, however she has declined this invitation because it means she will have no control over the situation or your husband. For now it is easy for her to cut ties as the child is young and she can mask to outsiders what she has done, it is easy at this age to brush off the reasons why a childs father is not in the picture, however a time will come when she will have to explain to the child why she continued to make choices not for the child but for herself. If you agree to your husband seeing this child without your involvement it will severely effect your marriage. You are one, you are his wife therefore it will be detrimental to this child if he goes to see the child and continue to allow the child grow as the “outsider” the unspoken or seen altercation in his life. For the survival of your marriage and both mental and emotional reasons for the child he/she needs to build a relationship with both of you and eventually brought into your family with both of your support and consent. If your husband goes through the back door to see this chid the child will always remain the dirty mistake and secret not openly acknowledged and loved. Also your marriage will never be able to completely heal because you too will also be left on the outside, how can your marriage survive if one of you is experiencing a relationship elsewhere that can never be shared with your spouse? growth and development will be stunted. Like with the other lady who commented her husband is experiencing the tormenting daily ritual of living two lives, unable to embrace and share his concerns regarding the children with his wife, knowing that his two live will never meet, he is spilt in two, literally, and therefore unable to make a positive deposit into either situation. As a result he is trapped and will become more withdrawn and more than likely fall into depression as he continues to feel helpless and governed by the situation. He can never go to his wife and complain, share his concerns, seek counsel in her, or comfort through her in this situation because he has made his bed and in his eyes he has no option but to lay in it. the down side to this is that he may find someone else to talk to and that could be dangerous depending on his mental and emotional state and the persons intentions. The woman is holding out as long as she can with holding the child because of the “wife” however she knew he had a wife when she chose to have children with him, her mistake was risking more than she was prepared to loose. She knows a time will come when she will be forced through the child to do what is right. Like with my husband he also feels guilty there is a child out there, however until she chooses to do the right thing his hands are tied and he will have to live with that and seek God. We keep every communication and email so that when the child asks she will understand why we were not in her life and she will have to make her own conclusions. The children are important, however there is much more and so many more lives riding on getting this right than just focussing on the child. It is also within the child’s interest that both you and your husbands marriage survives so that later on they can understand forgiveness, reconciliation and love, bringing them into the marriage through both of your open arms not just your husbands out of responsibility. The child will grow to know eventually that your husband is only in contact with the child under duress and through responsibility and not love.

      2. Social justice has usurped the law and order set by our Creator for the nurture and raising of the godly seed spoken of in Malachi
        One man and one woman are created in the marriage by God to be separate and sacred for His glory and the good of humanity
        Today as we see the world having rejected the truth of the God of the Bible and His design and provision people are living by feelings and sinful choices abound along with compounding consequences
        We have the mandate from scripture to make up our minds which God we will serve
        Sin serves the world the flesh and the devil and brings confusion and destruction
        Marriage is the legitimate relationship whereby a man has the responsibility and privledge to care for those within that jurisdiction given him at the time he requested Gods blessing of marriage to his wife.
        The husband is empowered and ordained at that time to tend to his wife before all other prior or further areas of life and relationships
        This empowerment to do all that is good for his wife and children is considered by God as a sacred trust and obligation which is the image of Christ and the church
        Anything other than that is orchestrated to muddy or mare that God intended function of the outward testimony of Gods design and intentions of marriage , love and relationships between man and woman whereby the children of the marriage would grow to learn how godliness is lived out in relationships as well as a testimony of Gods faithfulness in all of His ways
        Satan pursues God’s woman first in deception of Eve then in luring Israel , Gods unfaithful wife as the examples of how powerless man is to walk righteously apart from God
        This effort to deter the plans of God continues as the Bride of Christ has been lured away to false teachings when some fail to heed the command to be taught of God as they study HIS Word to avoid deception
        The apostasy away from Gods word and the study of it has resulted in more and more of the church which is the Bride of Christ to wander and the world has effected her in many horrible ways
        Not the least of which is living by emotions and social rules based not upon truth but upon what people who are out of order concerning godly jurisdictions seek to have what is not theirs
        The OW who weak men will wander after not considering the truths recorded for us to learn to mature and strengthen boundaries for the protection of all concerned including weak women who believe in entitlements encouraged by men who ignore the commands of God to HUSBANDS….bring upon themselves Destruction
        No action unqualified by God for the sake of healing, restoring and protecting the Marriage can result in a godly solution no matter how ‘good” or approved by man in intention
        Nothing defined by God as SIN ends well
        Good intentions still fall flat and bring about worse outcomes
        Hagar was cared for by the Lord
        Her situation also was before the codified law was given yet since the creation Jesus confirmed all were aware that marriage was one man and one woman
        Even the pagan King was afraid to go into another man’s wife as he reproved Abraham for trying to pass off Sarah as his sister
        Even here we see half truths being of no value for good
        Trusting the Lord and leaving secular humanist solutions may cause those who are in sin to look to the Lord for what He would provide to any who repent and trust in Him
        The society frowns upon such strict doctrine …even some churches are compromising the Wors for the sake of the worlds point of view which casts the Word of God underfoot
        Sinful actions based upon feelings do not being godly good fruit in any of the lives of those involved
        Proverbs is proven true both about godliness and truly the rotten fruit of ignoring the foundation of Gods Word which is profitable for doctrine ,reproof, and correction
        Which is instruction in righteousness
        Right living only brings good fruit
        Husbands need to keep their vows and tend their own garden
        Let those who are without see the Lord in their need
        The blessing of the Lord maketh rich and He bringeth no sorrow with it

    2. I am the ap and dont think some aps care about the welfare of the adulterous parents marriage. Their main focus is truly the well being of the child, especially if its an infant. I can only speak to my situation. With my knowing how the household is run and that the wife has said infront of her own children that she would kill herself on a number of occasions and the learned continuous adultery commited by the father, i don’t see that environment as warm or inviting to a developing mind not in the most important years of development. No myself and the child’s father didnt take into consideration the ramifications of our selfish actions and therefore now it will be difficult to forge that relationship. So these wives feel for their husbands understandable. Everyone involved is not going to be happy thats not what sin is. But the most important thing said in this article is that both parents owe the child not in reverse. And if both parents understand then their wants/needs dont matter. And if these marriages were made priority by the cheating spouses there wouldnt be these issues.

      1. Hi Bee,

        Thanks for the insight, in a logical way it is understandable and expected for any mother to lockdown the boundaries to protect her child.

        I think from the LS perspective we can’t see why anyone would want to protect something or someone that is the result of so much damage and catastrophe.

        But what we need to remember is that it is just a child an innocent casualty of war.

        My guess is it takes two to tango and if the AP loves their child why have them born to someone who doesn’t and into a situation where they will always be “that child” so whilst it is the DS responsibility to keep the boundaries of the marriage intact by not stepping out of them it is also the AP responsibility to protect them self and their off spring from becoming entangled in such sewage.

      2. Whilst the DS owes it to the child to ensure they have a decent standard of living I do not feel that they owe anything more than that. The example of Sarah, Abraham and Hagar is enough for us to know that the Lord agrees the marriage (covenant) is what should be protected. However he does go on to ensure that Ishmael, as a casualty, does prosper.

      3. How is that fair to the child??? The OW counts, too. He lied to her deeply as well and by creating life with her, he is now responsible to that LIFE. Giving the wife full control is an illusion. He will ALWAYS find a way to contact the mother of his child. That is his child, how selfish. And all this OW bashing, its really immature. Your HUSBAND was the one most likely pursuing her and lying, telling her divorce is immenent and be patient. There is no way once a child is created to keep the man away from the “OW” and his child. His heart is already there.

      1. Unfortunately you don’t count because you are not part of the marriage and never will be. Whilst you have attempted to penetrate his life and make yourself a permanent fixture through a child you will never be of any more significance than a used toilet which his only mistake was he forgot to flush.

        You yourself have come to realise that you meant and still mean nothing more than a very bad mistake whose only life line is through an innocent child, who will not thank you for the unfair disadvantage you have placed them in.

        Thank God he sees the heart of man and that children will not carry the sins of their parents as long as their hearts are clean and pure.

        Your anger is misplaced towards the LS. You need to forgive yourself for what you have done to yourself and your child and allow healing to take place in your spirit.

        The LS does not hate you, just that you offered yourself to be used destructively and were not strong enough to protection yourself and others when you had the power to do so. Now your power has been removed from you, you are disgruntled you did not use it more wisely.

        This is what the enemy does, he sets you up through deceit and lies believing you to think you were special, more worthy and now are “owed” something for your loss of investment.

        There is only one common enemy not DS or LS nor you but the enemy himself which comes to seek, kill and destroy.

      2. It also sounds some double standards are here. You state that it is “not fair” to the illegitimate child, placing the responsibility of the child’s welfare, emotional and mental state on others and not taking any responsibility of it for yourself. Had the AP done what was “fair” for the child they never would have conceived nor had the child in the first place.

        Now things have not gone to plan and the power has shifted it appears the AP wishes to push the responsibility onto others, however when the AP was in a position of power to dissolve the illicit relationship they chose not to exercise any power to the benefit (or so they thought) to anyone but themselves.

        But they got caught in their own trap. Proverbs tells us that the hole you dig for others you fall in yourself.


      3. Humanists only recourse to trauma is the pseudo “science” of psychology

        God has provided all things pertaining to life and godliness for those who are willing to heed His offer of The Truth through Jesus Christ to learn how all of these sinful circumstances occur and how to a kid falling for the deceitful thoughts and influences of our fallen world now under the temporary “rule” of the prince of the power of the air

        The spirit makes alive the flesh profits NOTHING….Jesus told us “My words ARE spirit and they are life

        He also spoke more about warning us of deceit in the days leading up to his second appearing

        The location of the motivation for our behavior is through emotions and thoughts

        This aspect was not lost on the enemy of God and man
        God instructed us to study and lean upon Him for understanding as we read His word..The whole content and context of His Word

        To avoid deception which is not just through outside influences but from within our own flesh (the heart is desparately wicked and deceitful above ALL things”

        We thus are wise to allow HE knows best and if we will obey His command to seek Him and submit to Him we will become aware of the “wiles of the devil” and less and less vulnerable to his devices

        Adultery is able to convince and capture those who do not know HOW they may avoid falling into sin by simply obeying the instruction in righteousness which 2 Tim 2:16 supplies us with

        This is one reason that Romans 1 speaks of all bein held accountable to seek and retain the knowledge God has made available to all who are willing to seek Him….and they will find Him IF they continue in His word

        Here is a huge key to increase in the knowledge of the ways of God whose only begotten Son has made access to the God who is holy and just

        Casting down imaginations

        And every high thing that HOLDS ITSELF UP AGAINST the knowledge of God


        How great is that!
        We who know Christ as we are born again by way of His seed which is called the incorruptible seed…His Word
        Need to grow in the knowledge and application of it to how we think and decide to behave

        Those who reject or neglect this part of what is OUR part and right response to such a great offer

        This process matures us and transforms our world view and our way of making decisions to line up with Gods word
        What people think will soon motivate them if not “reigned” in by the wisdom of God found in His Word

        By this understanding we may pray for others who are “held captive by the devil at his will”
        since they have not the armor of God which is His Word

        May all who grieve due to being deceived come to know He who is the truth that they might be delivered from yet another snare which are those “remedies” of the fleshly worldly scope of increasing availability in this day and time

        Jesus said “My kingdom is NOT OF THIS WORLD”

        We were born into it dead in trespasses and sin ..we must be born again to life

        This world is passing away but my word shall not pass away

        Jesus Christ yesterday, today and forever

        All who sin may find forgiveness in Him when they repent and forsake their sin
        Confess Jesus as Lord and believe your heart that God has raised Him from the dead and thou shalt be saved

        For with the heart man believe that unto righteousness and with the mouth confession is made unto salvation
        Romans 10:9,10

      4. You are being petty to think that some how if a man decides to remain in his marriage (lie being told or not) that some how his wife has no say so or power where the situation is concerned. He shows growth and matured for anyone who wrongs someone to stand up and make it right so with a husband who cheats and has another child he needs to repent and protect his marriage from any further harm. The OW is just some other person whom deiced to commit a sin and their are consequences for both her and her child that will likely result in the father not being what the OW thinks he should be for her child, especially if she is continuing to want to control how he parents and spends time with their child. The OW should have taken that into consideration while she was having unprotected sex with someone else husband. We are all adults and she should have know better than to be committing adultery just like that husband who was with her its not his fault his may have a loving wife who is willing to make things work despite his sin The OW needs to respect his marriage at that point and allow the child and the father to have a relationship regardless of anything else its about the child not how she feels. You really need to grown in Christ and grow up.

      5. Rebecca you said something important, if the husband is telling you he is getting a divorce that means he was not divorced and the woman agreed to sleep with a married man. That means she has to consider if I get pregnant and he is still married, my child will be the other woman’s child and there is a possibility he will leave me and the baby alone completely for his marriage’s sake. There is a difference between someone going into a relationship blind and someone knowing. In most cases a woman will sleep with a married man, lie to the wife about it and have a baby purposely thinking he will leave the wife for her. Man or Woman if you sleep with a married person knowingly and you have a baby by a married woman or man; consider the fact you could be removed from the original situation which is their marriage. In some cases the Marriage will come first so it is imperative that everyone take responsibility for the outcome of your actions and weigh the cost. Is me having this affair and making a baby worth me taking care of this child alone or in other cases not being able to see the child? Men what if the wife decides she wants to end it all and have “NO CONTACT”? You wont be able to see the baby and the husband is legally considered the child’s father regardless. Know the law in your state.

    3. How is that fair to the child??? The OW counts, too. He lied to her deeply as well and by creating life with her, he is now responsible to that LIFE. The “OW” is as much a victim to this situation as the wife. He is now responsible for creating havoc in TWO lives. Giving the wife full control is an illusion. He will always, always find a way to contact the mother of his child. That is his child, how selfish. And all this OW bashing, its really immature. Your HUSBAND was the one most likely pursuing her and lying, telling her divorce is immenent and be patient. There is no way once a child is created to keep the man away from the “OW” and his child. His heart is already there.

      1. You assume that his heart is with the child. I once asked a man when he thought bonding occurred with a father and child vs mother and child. Sir would argue that mothers instantly form this bond as they carry their unborn. I can see arguments to that. Some men feel like they bond after the child enters this world. For example if they are present for birth and hold their child afterwards. In my situation my husband was not there for pregnancy nor birth. He’s never seen this child. The OW contacted me and said she thought I should be aware but that it wasn’t a relationship. She knew he was married it was just sex and that she didn’t want her son around us because we would not be able to accept him as we accept our children we had in marriage. Now I know she and him are both at fault in this and I do know the child is innocent. This facts play heavily on my heart. But you seem to be attacking the loyal spouse in your post and you assume that the husband wants the relationship. Now I’m not saying this is honorable. But isn’t the entire situation a mess that both created? Would the fathers involvement create more imbalance? Not sure but nothing is straight forward in this type of situation. More reason for spouses and others to respect the sanctity of marriage. It so popular to be the side piece or other woman. When in reality the situation created from it is chaos. Who’s responsible for that?

      2. BTW, I don’t know what your husband is telling you about this woman. But I can assure you that it is almost never just “for sex”. Who is at fault? The husband. He cheated on his wife, the OW was not married and was probly alone and wanting someone to love. Every woman wants security, and men know this. The husband always tells the OW divorce is imminent and be patient, I will marry you. Of course with time and experience, at a certain age most women come to know this is usually a lie, but women for the most part in their younger years are not experienced with this. So than MAN is the manipulator, and the one to blame for all actions. The woman is just as much a victim as the wife. If it appears I am “attacking’ the wives perhaps it is in reaction to the numerous attacks I see on here directed toward the other woman. The anger is misdirected. The husband is to blame hands down. Now , the “ow” who everybody demonized has to deal with this, and her life is torn upside down along with the wife. Affairs hurt everybody and if a child is involved, the man instantly has two lives, like it or not. The wife has to get used to it. The OW has to get used to she will never have him full time *in most cases* but to think you can keep the husband away from the OW “no contact” is naïve and setting yourself up for more hurt. You just have to get used to her because she is now a permanent part of his life, alone with this innocent child.

      3. Rebecca. You obviously didn’t read my post. My husband didn’t tell me anything. It was the OW who said it was nothing more than sex. She was cheating on her partner as well. She never wanted him to leave his wife nor his children. He never promised her that. It was JUST SEX. I’m sorry you can’t seem to understand that because maybe you were mislead into thinking he would leave his wife. But my story isn’t the same. They fooled around and she became pregnant. She only wants child support. She does not want her child to have a relationship with my children not his father. She just wants monetary support. You’re so reckless with your thoughts you can’t seem to fathom that a man who would deceive his loyal spouse, would do the same to you. Sorry you have been decieved and if you had some self esteem and respect for yourself you would t be in this post attempting to justify or defend your actions in your adultry. You are nothing more than an adulteress. You have some nerve posting your delusions. But then again you know no boundaries. Otherwise you would have never engaged a married man regardless of what he told you

      4. Dear other woman you choose to get pregnant you had unprotected sex . You knew he was married only thing he owes you is child support nothing more . Stop lying to yourself . Plus you knew he was Mr. Cheaterpants but oh yeah you thought you would win a prize by hurting his wife and children you knew all this . So no you Don’t have same privilege as wife he used you for sex he lied two both parties . Read Bible and step away from that marriage . I’ll say again he only owes you child support . He has wife you will never be that your just a mistake and a fool for believing promise he couldn’t possibley keep . So at best he gets child visitation. But he finished with you your actually angry at wife why because she loves him and he loves his wife . Sounds you better like you should put down hopeioum pipe . Btw other woman you sound bitter . We will all pray for you turn to god and stop blaming and thinking he has to deal with you . He was married in front of . Gods wholly covenant his body belong ‘s to wife not you one flesh you get that sad truth you had child because you wanted a man who belong to wife your violation was against my marriage we are one flesh . Hope this helps you understand you will never have the guy

      5. well…I know many men who did not, does not give a rats tail about a child they had with a woman they dont love. I know many who cut off their children after a divorce.You are not important

      6. I hate to burst your bubble, but NO the husband does not always think about the child or find a way to see it! My husband informed the ~I will trap him with a baby~ OW, that he did not and was not going to be around for a child. Has had absolutely no contact since she found out she was pregnant. He honestly has no feelings for the OW or child. Has no desire to ever
        See the child and definitely not the OW.

      7. I discovered the secret life of my husband and the two children at 26 th year of our marriage 2006
        2013 he walked out on me and our two grown daughters
        2017 he demanded I should not text him and he hasn’t seen me since
        He communicates and visits when my daughters meet him away from his place ( they’ve never been there and no one knows what he is doing or if he is with anyone )
        We are still married as I could not bring myself to divorce but he has not been paying support as he promised

        He suddenly stopped house payments so we narrowly avoided foreclosure with a sale below water

        40th anniversary last Sept

        I don’t know what he has done in regard the other children but I know he paid tuition for them to go to private schools while neglecting our family finances

        He has two giant dogs as well but no money to spare to relieve the debts he still has yet to pay

        I am sure everyone would be astonished to learn of this since he’s very good at appearances

        Deceit is rampant in our world we must rely upon knowing the doctrine we find in Gods word for the Body of Christ in Paul’s epistles

        I read that both the wife and the OW suffered loss from this adultery

        Try again big if my daughters are quite attractive and intelligent and have never dated as they wanted to keep themselves for marriage and now there is little oportunity and they are coming to an age where hope of having children is getting slim

        They want men who love God and are able to walk with loyalty and stability in growing in the Lord

        We continue to walk according to the counsel of the Lord through study of His Word and growing in knowledge of it

        To say only the Wife and OW are the only ones harmed by adultery is naive

        The other woman KNEW and orchestrated the whole thing and my husband was of course responsible for going along with it

        When people don’t care about what God says about life and love they won’t care about lying , cheating and stealing

        Consequences here in earth from other people’s choices impact everyone
        Just look at the civil governments crimes

        Sin kills

        Christ is our life and renewed mind is crucial to not become blasé about sin

  2. My husband had two children with the OW on purpose. She wanted to be a “single mom by choice’ having had 6 years as the OW while I was homeschooling our children teaching them biblical truths.
    This woman knew from the onset their arrangement was only for sex and that my husband ‘would never leave me because he loved me and his family”This was confirmed in an email I found on D DAY …14 years this secret life had gone on while we were moved frequently to follow his climb up the corp ladder.
    After D DAY he quit the relationship with no contact agreed but after two years he secretly began to see the children. I had discussed the need for them to see him previously but had wanted our marriage to have a chance to heal some before and for him to gain understanding and learn about boundaries.
    He resumed seeing them without telling me after two years of his weak attempts to participate in what we needed to do to reconcile.
    He finally admitted his deceit after another two years, He does not want the OW and now ‘hates’ her for what they did .
    His involvement with the children is without me due to the instability of the OW . Out of concern for the children I do not involve myself also for the sake of our children who are now adults , quite intellegent and godly but have been deeply effected to learn their father is not the man they thought they knew.

    His involvement with the children effected our marriage and family much the same as the adultery . His demeanor grows more and more distant and disconnected each time he returns from being with them . It is now every day in order to take them to school or pick them up and to be sure they eat .

    We have depleted our finances in order to pay child support that is nearly three times the legal amount and way beyond our ability to keep up. Our retirement has also been nearly used up as he tries to build a new business. I am retired.
    The children are turned against us and the faith we hold dear as we are followers of Christ and their mother is a self proclaimed leftist.
    She once came to a party at our home and I showed her our class room and shared our faith with her . She left and began her campaign to ‘get ‘ my husband to ‘give her children ‘ ….so they were PLANNED.

    I am brokenhearted and now my husband sleeps in another room despite my requests for him to return to our bedroom. This has also disrupted our daughters lives and they are having difficulties with the way my husband’s involvement with the Other Children seems to have caused him to put them first in his considerations.
    The other children go to therapy much as their mother always has and all are on some kind of drug for some kind of psychological reason.

    The outcome does not look good as these children are growing up without the kind of relationship with my husband that is for THEIR good but more for HIS ego.
    He does not want to be a ‘deadbeat’ dad but there are other ways a father can be one…more like a ‘fairweather ‘ father who does not guide, train or teach but is only there for the opportunity to enjoy what are the highlights.

    I have tried to offer him support and counsel from the many years I was left to raise OUR children without his participation as all other activities then were too important for him to become involved in our family.

    Now he does not know how to do the most important things a father can do for the children AND for his own benefit in learning .

    He does not have the kind of involvement with the other children either.

    Maybe had he responded to the needs of our children throughout their growing years he would have realized that children are not like getting a pet…it seems they gave little thought to the actual work of raising children

    She now leaves them often alone starting when they were young and even at night …even as one child has some neurological problems.

    This mess is so awful I find it difficult to find ANY others to compare. But my husband had he ever really decided that he does not know everything and would learn to care about people as he has claimed he does….would not have done such things.
    He simply got married I think now as a ‘front’ and a ‘protection’ for his image and so that he could get involved with other women and have an excuse for why he could not marry them!

    He will not have the kind of needed relationship with the other children THEY need and soon as they are teens it will become even more difficult because he refuses to parent them …he wants to be their buddy …this is good but not useful to guide them as they need and their mother does not do this …true a child needs a father …but being a father is more than just coming around for few minutes ….with money…now even that is sparse.

    Now we are back when we first married. We had nothing but a common faith ..when he began to make money he became ‘invincible’ and the women were happy to trade sex for whatever his guilt and ego would supply them with.

    The OW got a house , a new car when she got pregnant and a lifetime [ mine not hers since she is a lot younger] of support ..at least until those children reach 18 …at my age ….that means pretty much beyond my lifespan.

    What a great man they have for a father.

    Sad…no amount of ‘loving ‘ my husband has made any difference…no amount of forgiveness or respect or honor …he ate it up and went out for MORE …MORE is the name of the game for a man like him ….sad for all of the children he has to observe his lack of concern for his impulsive and deceitful ways ..and NO ONE would ever suspect ..He is really very intelligent and pretty much admired by all who grew up with him and have worked with him …What they don’t know !

    This WILL be revealed …eventually …but I am not going to be the one to ‘out ‘ him …”nothing is hidden that will not be revealed’ He seems to be ‘coasting ‘ on borrowed time without too much concern about seeking to change.

    Time will tell …in the mean time I am working out my healing and doing what I can to help my daughters. We will be married 33 years soon. His investing in others and now those children pretty much stole what our VOWS promised to bring about to all .

    He never truly “entered into” our marriage as it was intended to provide him with great blessings if he had been willing to participate in it.

    All his efforts are in superficial relationships …sadly he won’t go get help.

    1. So sorry to hear fo this Lovey, you all sound wounded and are deeply grieving. I am sure that your husband feels he has no control over the situation, guilt must be tormenting him day by day. However I know a redeemer who can heal the wounds and fix the broken places. Jesus. I have been working on the following scripture: 1 Peter 3:1 “Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives,” My advice to you is to love your husband, more than you have ever loved him before, do things for him affirm him and build him up. He needs it now more than ever. You mention he never entered into the marriage, however from my take had he wanted to leave he has more than enough opportunity to do so, your kids are grown and therefore he could quite easily leave if he wanted to. However he has chosen to stay. Sounds as if he doesnt know where to begin to put things right, he may feel that it is such a big mess to not bother and just continue as he is. You are both one so if you are hurting I am sure he is also very deeply wounded by his actions.

      1. let him talk to you about his other family, become his confidant, he may not deserve it, but seems like he is a very lost soul. There’s def. a fight from the enemy on ur family’s life, so pray againest the principalities that work to hurt and break not only ur family but the other family. pray for God to give you the strength to truly forgive him and to love him the way christ loves u. sometimes when people make disheartning decisions around us, we may feel entitled for hurt, resentment, anger, nd other feelings that makes others feel like they’re the sccumb of the earth, but i believe the goal in this life is to imitate christ, nd christ carried the sins of all, nd not one min. did he feel entitled to put down, accuse, beat the sinners, instead he carried it on the cross with love. by no means am i sayin that ur accusing or mistreating ur husband, but this is just to give a prespective of how much ur love can grow for him even in this situation, nd that everything u do in secret God will reward u, human experience is beyound we can fathom, and love truly covers a multitude of sin, its much much better to live with forgiveness nd love than to hold on to any resentment, or anger nd even hurt.
        It seems like ur the faith warrior for u family, dont give up, God has placed u with this family long ago knowing how all things wud turn out, cuz he made u z perfect candidate for this situation, nd where sin abounds grace abounds more, keep on fighting for ur family thru prayer and love. the grace u need to do so is alrdy sufficient for u. trust the lord and ull not be ashmed, doesnt matter how many years go by, evry tears from ur eyes God has seen nd he will change ur mourning into singing.
        I guess one thing i suggest is prolly to involve urself with the other family, as hurtful as it maybe to u, it might give a breakthru for ur husband, perhaps if he feels like he can talk to u abt his other family, it might lesson his guilt a bit, nd open up to u more and maybe even talk abouy setting boundaries and getting help and all that, but this is purely my suggestion
        you prolly have sensed that i didnt say much abt him, but i have heard many stories abt people that cheat and the torture they go thru, sin by itself has a way of torturing people, with guilt, hopelessness, disgrace…etc.
        all in all, dont give up, u r the light for this family. nd the all ur pain is seen by God and not one of them is dismissed for forgotten, God will give u years of joy, nd blessings nd everything the enemy is tryin to take from u, but stand firm and fight. The victory belongs to God.
        Lord i give this family unto u, protect them, guide them, In Jesus name, Amen!!!

    2. Don’t let these men lie to you..OMG. The other woman would NEVER be involved “just for sex”. I am sure your husbands lied to the “OW” and told them that you guyswere close to divorce, and every time she had tried to back out he would be at her door or parking lot for hour on end..begging for patience from her. When nothing else worked, he would then try to impregnate her to keep her in his life. Now, hes lying to you.

      1. I’m so glad someone responded to your nonscence. You must be the OW to speak so recklessly. Get off our post and find yourself anothe thread. Maybe one for “side pieces”

      2. You have a clear knowledge from everything you said that you understand that DS had his own selfish reasons which stemmed from problems within himself as to why he sought a back up for comfort. Had you meant more than this he would be still fighting just as hard to keep both AP and illegitimate child.

        had no child been born it is fair to say AP would never see nor hear from DS again. That hard cold reality is a bitter pill to swallow knowing as AP you gave everything and meant nothing and that the recognition you wish for your shield is to feed your own ego.

        There comes a time when “self” has to die in order for you to truly live.

        Principles are an expensive thing and the only one that will pay the price for them is the illegitimate child.

      3. I think every LS can read Rebecca posts as confirmation that every decision or position you as a LS has made to continue to protect your marriage is a good and right one.

        God sends confirmation in many ways.

        Rebecca’s posts are like eating fish, chew the meat and spit out the bones. Take what you need and leave the rubbish.

        LS you are in the right track, stand firm on the word of God the enemy hates it and will do and say all he can to shake you but the Word of God is unshakeable!! Amen this is so encouraging 👍🏿👍🏿👍🏿

      4. Rebecca i real feel you, Men will always be men for sure no woman will allow herself be in this situation unless that “Husband’ lied to her about commitment or marriage PERIOD

  3. Thank you for your reply . I would agree with your statement that he must feel like he doesn’t know what to do or how to make it ‘better’ . I ‘feel’ for him as well . However all the things he has been offered by me to help him to begin to offer even little things to engage or let me know how he actually cares about the mess he has refused to do .

    He has plenty of time and energy to do what he wants to do.
    I have continued to do what I can to extend love and care for him . I feel that my efforts are only being ‘endured ‘ …which I find difficult to understand if it is because he does not enjoy my efforts …as I feel he sort of cringes if I hug him , or even touch him . He has not wanted to engage in loving in any way for about two years.

    I would like to think that he stayed with me for ME but I see other reasons unfortunately that seem to dilute my feeling that this is the reason.
    His public image, his career , his comfort in maintaining his ‘normal’ life while not really doing anything to extend love , affection or care to me.

    Our daughters feel that he cares for the other children more than for them …although I find this abhorant and he would deny it vehimently . But he has not been considerate of how they feel and not pursued them in ways that would be what THEY need . I gave him the different ways that he might begin to relate to them as well but he has been resistant to deal with it.

    I know many who are having this kind of time with the spouse who was unfaithful. They seem to feel that they should just sweep it under the rug . This does not help anyone DEAL with the reality which is one of the things that leads to infidelity in the first place.

    I believe and I have found many resources to support this that the spouse who has been unfaithful cannot really move forward and benefit from what adultery would reveal about them if they refuse to engage in the work of their own investigation. The Lord ‘s Word tells us to examine ourSELVES and measure ourselves by the Word to see if we are IN Christ..
    Those who are not IN Christ or believers are not prone to want to do that . The Word is living , it is spirit , it is life …and Jesus IS the WORD of God.

    I lived by the ‘meek and quiet’ way that you suggest and I still believe that it is true to be thus UNTO THE LORD …in terms of how my husband demonstrated his ‘appreciation ‘ for my respect and honor of his being my husband …he abused the trust by living his fantasy life on the back of me and our family!

    I also appreciate the way compassion works but I believe also that loving him involves being honest and straightforward about the need he has for seeking repentance.

    I believe your encouragement to show love, compassion and tenderness is correct….I also believe love will not stand by and say nothing when someone is in need of seeking to learn how their sinful behavior has damaged not only others but themSELVES .

    What do you suggest. I feel that the past 33 years I have been consistant in not standing in the way of my husband’s decisions and way of living his life while also not behaving rudely nor allowing rude and thoughtless behavior to go unaddressed.

    The heart of someone who is unrepentant and does not care to return to the Lord or to investigate how to reconcile seems really not just a matter of TIME …now 6 years of trying times with seeking more wisdom in the Word …but it seems to me from what I have been learning that the hardened heart of an unrepentant is going to have some harder times ahead if they are not moved to deal with it.

    True enough …I am NOT the person that can change this man’s heart …but I know the one who can …Jesus Christ….the thing is that if a person rejects and rebels against the Lord and will not receive the Word of GOD with meekness …they are not going to take heed….

    Faith comes by hearing ..and not just with the ear but with a heart prepared to receive…to recognize the need for the Lord ..an authority higher than one’s own desires .

    Thus far he is indeed a very sad man …not just over what damage he has done but because even with forgiveness there is some requirement of effort and indication of caring to learn how to reconcile.

    At least that is what I have been learning thus far.

    I had hoped that his care for the children of the OW would cause him to see his need to allow the Word to counsel him and thus perhaps in his need ..he would come to the Lord ….So far there is still the resistance to any kind of what he already knows of the Word in all matters.

    Adultery and the length of it really does seem to darken the heart and the understanding …

    Thank you for your kind reply ..it somehow does comfort …and it is a form of ‘bearing on another’s burdens’ ….I appreciate this from you and your sweet heart.

    Rom 1:21 Because that, when they knew God, they glorified [him] not as God, neither were thankful; but became vain in their imaginations, and their foolish heart was darkened.

    Pretty much what happened to him….sadly …but hope springs eternal ….His life is not over til it’s over and he still has had the merciful blessing of STILL breathing ! Thank you Lord for your long-suffering

    .2 Pe 3:9 The Lord is not slack concerning his promise, as some men count slackness; but is longsuffering to us-ward, not willing that any should perish, but that all should come to repentance.

    Luk 17:3 Take heed to yourselves: If thy brother trespass against thee, rebuke him; and IF he repent, forgive him.

    I am committed to marriage as unto the Lord .

    Thanks again for your encouragement …I really needed that especially today ! Hugs!

    1. If you love him, let him go to where he feels he needs to be. I suspect it will actually be a great relief to you both. You’re children are grown; and I wonder if perhaps you are afraid of being on your own? I hope not. And I think a truly loving and compassionate woman like yourself would not go unnoticed for too long. But then again, having dedicated your life to homeschooling your children, and your family, perhaps it is time to put yourself first. And not in a selfish way. In a loving way, that you deserve. He may have never really committed to the marriage, but I wonder if you have ever truly committed to yourself? I think if you had, you would not continue in a pattern of behaviour and in a relationship that is clearly making you both stressed and miserable. Some things simply run their course. When my partner and I finally separated, after 18 months of “trying” to repair things for the sake of our children, it was a great relief. And with a little more time, the underlying friendship and respect for each other is strong.

  4. I understand your feelings of rejection in his seeming priority to take care of the children over there. In his mind he is there with you and your children so you have him whenever you need or want and the children over there only get a part time father, but as you said you can be present with no presence. He is torn in two and cant find a way out of the situation that he has placed himself in. Continue to encourage and pray for him.

  5. Thank you ….He met us after church the Sunday before Thanksgiving and told us he was going to leave ‘for a while’ …staying in a place near our home….condo sitting for a few ‘months’ …

    This has been really nonsense but I know the things that the god of this world …satan likes to pull while dealing with a person so vulnerable.

    My husband is in the hands of the Lord…He is continuing to pay the bills which is noteworthy.He is going to have to come to terms with his situation and pay heed to the things that would be best for his influence upon all who his life touches.

    Being a ‘fair weather father’ is what he has practiced even while we did not realize what he was up to …now the ‘jig’ is up….indeed. Sin will find you out…

    I pray for him and treat him with the kind of ways that the Lord instructs ….

    I am seated in the hearvenlies …spiritually . and I am going to complete the ‘race’ as directed by the Lord.

    I am not so convinced that his involvement with the children of the OW has been a good influence ….she has run the whole show in terms of what those children have been trained to think and believe. The girl who is now 14 told him that she ‘hates ‘ Christians.

    I am pretty sure she has not known any …but that is a separate issue .

    He is not taking a true active part in their upbringing or setting any limits or goals….j

    It is sad …I sometimes believe that he has delved in their lives to their hurt …perhaps had they not had any man in their lives at all they would not grow up thinking of fathers being in and out of their lives as ‘normal’ and that a man and a woman do not have any responsibilities to anyone ..including each other …They have been growing up with the idea that when people get ‘big’ they can do whatever they feel like …despite the way it effects others.

    One selfish , self centered generation after another….in many respects people learn what they live…and kids are even more vulnerable

    My husband has chosen to engage with the children because they are easily fooled …I believe that normalizing sin is a big problem and one many have become visctimized by both in being led to believe it is OK for themselves to indulge and nothing to be concerned about in overall society.

    And people wonder why things are the way they are …they might learn from reading the Bible and being open to hear it …that GOD has warned of the damage that sinful choices cause…recorded in the examples of the OT .

    My husband is a very sad man …but prayer is not to be dismissed as a leverage that is most effective….it is God’s timing …in the meantime we are all growing in the knowledge and wisdom from tending to the walk we all have and our accountability to the Lord.

    The OW still has not contacted me ..and does not want me involved and so my husband has chosen to leave me and our family to take upon himself a minimum involvement with the OC….I perceive it is not working as he thought it would .

    Parenting is outlined in the Word of GOD and it has a purpose in how God designed marriage and parenting to work to equip not just the children but the parents in learning what is formative within ….

    I find it interesting that as intelligent as my husband is …he still continues to lean upon his own understanding and ideas ….but you know what they say ….’doing the same thing over and over …with the same tools …yield the same results…and people wonder why!

    Can’t get good fruit from a bad tree……not that the people are the ‘bad tree’ but the resource and basis for making choices from a fleshly worldview which today is ‘secular humanism’ is not useful to bring forth the life that GOD has for us in Christ Jesus as we are willing to humble ourselves TO HIM …and learn from His Word ….HOW LIFE works!

    So we wait upon what GOD will do …and in the mean time we pray and tend to our own walk as much as possible.

    Hope this helps…you are in a tough situation.

    1. Your husband seems to be in a very dark place and imagine at a time like this you of all people are concerned of his welfare, this is where he should be holding you up. Thank God for Jesus and his grace which is all forever sufficient. Lovey let me know how i can contact you so that I can continue to encourage you, and visa versa. The word tells us Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

      1. Thank you for your reply . It is encouraging to hear from others who are going through ….and are those who do not just believe IN God but BELIEVE GOD.

        That in itself is our purpose in this life…to allow God and His word to grow in us …faith cometh by hearing …and HEARING BY the WORD of GOD …WHO is ….Jesus!

        Apart from being HIS people are not equipped to live what God intended for us to experience as LIFE for HE IS the WAY , the TRUTH and the LIFE and no man comes to the Father but by HIM.

        I am not sure HOW to give you contact info since this is a public site….I am not on Facebook or any social network other than the internet …I do not trust those venues…

        So …thank you for your continued sharing and prayers …so many are going through this …it is AS the Word tells us …a ‘plague’ due to people not taking God’s word TO HEART.

        Pro 11:21 Though hand join in hand, the wicked shall not be unpunished: but the seed of the righteous shall be delivered.

        Each person living by his flesh fills up his own ‘cup’ of consequences….the sinner who rejects GOD adds sin to sin ,..may the Lord open the eyes of the ‘blind’ while there is yet time…Jesus Christ came to save sinners but there is a need for REPENTANCE ….without which ..they too will perish.

        Mar 1:15 And saying, The time is fulfilled, and the kingdom of God is at hand: repent ye, and believe the gospel.

        Luk 17:3 Take heed to yourselves: If thy brother trespass against thee, rebuke him; and if he repent, forgive him.

        Luk 17:4 And if he trespass against thee seven times in a day, and seven times in a day turn again to thee, saying, I REPENT; thou shalt forgive him.

        Many of us may wonder what true repentance looks like…How we may know if WE ourselves has indeed repented.

        Many may admit to sin but confession out of being convicted of something hindering our walk as believers then is to be followed by a change as indicated in the Word for what we are to then observe in our hearts,

        Here I have learned some of the fruit of godly sorrows repentance…..what to look for in me and in any.,…

        2Cr 7:11 For behold this selfsame thing, that ye sorrowed after a godly sort,
        what CAREFULNESS it wrought IN you, yea,
        what CLEARING of yourselves, yea,
        what INDIGNATION, yea,
        what FEAR, yea,
        what VEHEMENT DESIRE, yea,
        what ZEAL, yea, what REVENGE! In all things ye have approved yourselves to be clear in this matter.

        When a person has truly seen the damage sin has done to himself and others there is present all of these indicating a loathing of the sin ….there should be no indication of blaming, excuses, rationalization, minimizing, and no slough in dealing with it and seeking to continue to allow the WORD to cleanse one ,,,by the washing of the water of the Word applied to living life.

        It is the SOUL of those who live in and continue in SIN that defiles, and darkens their understanding and keeps them bound away from the search to be cleansed of all unrighteousness through Jesus Christ and the change of attitude about all things.

        The world view is to change …not just lip service but a daily growing in the knowledge of the Word and then application to our thoughts, and actions.

        We are identified with our Lord through our thoughts and actions …or ‘forehead’ where the brain resides….and then actions ….indicating a new Lord that is NOT our flesh.

        The head and the hand,…thus ‘sealed’ unto the Lord by our daily walk and choices to serve and honor Him.

        When I learned of this adultery I wanted to seek out HOW to respond as the Lord would have me do …for HIS NAME SAKE

        I wanted my husbands love but as time has gone by I see too many who are given ‘methods’ to ‘lure’ their spouses back but the spouse is not facing the necessity to seek the LORD ..They are not turned from within and changed …no transforming act upon their souls

        It will not be long before the same difficulties arise in the relationship because they have no ‘armor ‘ on …they are not equipped to keep themselves from falling prey to their own fleshly vulnerabilities and they have no accountability to the Lord …thus they may maneuver their behavior just enough to escape facing it in truth and then going on to live and authentically transformed life, not to mention their soul is still in peril daily as they have not been born ‘from above’ as scripture instructs we must be….See Jesus speaking with Nicodemus.

        The usual idea in the world’s view of marriage is that of a quick ‘fix’ with new underwear …or some technique…that is as someone once quipped …” You don’t clean a fish before you catch it ‘

        Before a marriage is going to be the kind of relationship that GOD so desires for a man and woman they NEED to follow HIM. Otherwise it is very much like two unequally yoked animals…an ox and rabbit will not get very far nor accomplish much!~

        Never teach a pig to sing. It frustrates you and annoys the pig.

        Mark Twain

        The custom of yoking a mature OX with a newby was so that the older, stronger and trained OX would keep the younger and weaker one making straight and useful rows.

        Thus Jesus would have us ‘yoked ‘ with HIM so that HE will keep us going the way that is right.

        In marriage when two are unequally yoked…either by marriage to an unbeliever by a believer OR as in the case of one being truly born again and zealous to walk after the Lord and the other losing interest in all that is to walk after the Lord and turns to walk after the world, the flesh and the devil ,….we see a very crooked ‘way’ and it gets more and more difficult as the lives diverge into separate ways.

        Despite this reality …serving the Lord continuing is what is useful and helpful to the prodigal …and even can be instructive to the believer who is willing to fulfill their vows to the Lord and the marriage even if alone in the effort.

        Sooner or later the Lord who has a LOT invested in marriage of all kinds is going to deal and our prayers as we believe GOD to do all HE has said from our knowledge of what to ask Him to do …is going to bring forth fruit …

        James tells us that we have not because we ask not OR we ask ‘amiss’ …not according to what God tells us to ask for as His Word reveals to us all of what HE is willing to do according to HIS plans.

        We may work WITH The Lord or …go our own way …but going WITH His plan is much better and less of a stress..

        I am not all that ‘happy’ with all that my husband continues to do …he is stepping outside of the protection of the Lord and remaining there by his own will …sooner or later I am praying he will submit to GOD and be thus able to learn from God

        Presently he shut down from hearing anything from anyone.

        The world tells us life’s purpose is to be happy.

        Happy is good …but holiness is more of the aim of the Lord’s work IN us it seems …and sometimes we must become happy with that ….alone. Until ….the change comes.

        Rom 12:2 And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.

        That should keep anyone plenty busy for a lifetime!~

        Many hugs as we go through this world …in it but not OF it!

  6. BTW…I have counselled my husband to keep all receipts of his expenses as time goes by …just as someone else as kept a chronicle for future confirmation that the father has indeed been involved and made effort and any obstruction to that end was not his idea.

    My husband has maintained contact with the children of adultery for their entire life …and since D DAY at least three days a week if not more …taking them to eat a meal since no matter how much money we have maintained faithfully they have often complained there is little or no food in the house.

    The OW goes to school on a government grant to get a second degree in a second career field….our tax dollars at work ..she does not work . She has visited one of her half brothers who is elderly with no children and has no doubt ‘touched’ him for funds.

    My husband is finally come to his senses about the kind of person she is but he must also claim his own fault in preying on a woman who COULD have been someone he introduced to the Lord had he not been so self centered and seeking someone to use for his own intentions.

    She was the same though….made a ‘deal’ with a married man with benefits laid out and agreed upon mostly focusing on financial sustaining circumstances she manipulated to look like HE was supposed to step in to ‘care ‘ for her ..

    Anyway …despite his active involvement with those kids she signed her son up to have a Big Brother…..this is a horrendous program due to the infestation of men who have other intentions with young boys than it was originally intended to be in that program.

    It is insulting and a direct assault upon my husband by this woman …using the boy and a supposed ‘need’ for another adult male to take over influence upon the boy.

    Even if the ‘mentor’ turns out to be ‘ok’ …it is still an intrusive act to a developing relationship with his father. It takes time and focus away from a growing bond with his father.

    There is not need for this but it is part of the way she operates.

    I was actually hurt for my husband even though he has something of a defeated attitude at present.

    How deadly involvement is with people who are intent upon destroying marriage and family as GOD intended ! ….They will not go without consequences even if none of us do anything …GOD is STILL going to call to account all who proceed without repentance…I pray they will …for all their sake.

    1. let your husband be a blessing to you, ask him to fix things for u, show him that he is very much needed in ur life, love has to open z door nd z rest of the healing will come along for both of u. non of us are invincible to sin, thats why z word says…nyone who thinks he stands must becareful not to fall ( 1 cor. 10:12 i think)…even if we think we r strong in christ, we never knw what unfulfilled desire the enemy might use to cause us to sin, so we must always just bring ourselves to God, thinking that nyone cud hv been in ur husbands shoes, including u….i love the example u used abt the old nd new ox being yoked together, in this case God has given u z strength to lift ur husband, altho he has to eventually pull his weight, u can def. help his lost weary heart as u r doing so.
      at the same time recognize the limitations of your adversaries; satan. Satan fears you and the power you have over him through Christ.
      •satan can’t stop God from loving you, hearing you, caring about you.
      •satan can’t linger where he is firmly resisted- ur husabnd will b able to resist satan too, but let the love of God give him the comfort to stand up thru ur love, nd then he’ll slowly but surely take on z word as his armor, as he once did.

      the reason i mentioned sayin let ur husband be a blessing to u is because satan makes people feel worthless thru sin, but God has put it on our hearts when help others, this defeats loneliness, depression, sorrow, hurt, and emptiness. these maybe the emotions ur husband myb feeling nd prolly z reason he’s walkin around head down, and sad…but if you honestly forgive him, (which is in human calculation prolly the hardest thing ull go thru) let him be a blessing to u once again.

      1. Dear “ME”

        Thank you for your many good ideas and loving offering of the Word. Indeed so much of what you say has been encouraging as I go through this . My own determination is to make sure that I am laying my self down to learn what the Lord would have me do.

        I am taking care to speak from the well of the wisdom of the Word while not allowing my husband to be the ‘tool’ of the devil he has been so willing to be in the past. He has not been shunned from our home , He has been invited to eat with us but refuses whenever he has to come by for the mail. I have offered him food to take home and sometimes he will . He continues to do things that will ‘strike’ at the hearts of me and our daughters while we continue to hope and allow ourselves to trust that he will do right but I will say that he is not going to do things that he knows are wrong without being told . In the past he said he thought we were all OK even though he knew what he was doing was wrong and that we had an ongoing request that he would be more a part of our family. Now he cannot say he was not aware of this .

        I have done my level best throughout our marriage not to nag, to be generous and understanding and forgiving of his busy ‘schedule” even when he did have a choice where it was not essential that he would leave our family to ‘go play’ .

        Understand since D DAY he has still been a skillful liar and sought only to deceive our family ongoing. My offer to speak with the OW to reconcile was rejected by her and him….To meet with the children …rejected again …I have bought them gifts and encouraged him to stay in some kind of relationship with the children. His interactions with them and my ‘gentle’ approach did nothing but allow him to take more advantage and soon his attachment to the other children became so strong he left our family and now only sees our daughters infrequently while visiting the other children at least “three days a week’

        This was his calculated way of creating a good father relationship with them as before they were born he looked up what might be ‘necessary ‘ for a father to be a good influence upon children …The article he took to heart said that a father who spent at least three days a week and fifteen minutes with a child was doing well and it was good enough for the child!

        That would STILL be more than he afforded our children growing up …

        The whole thing is so messed up and he has become so hardened …yes it is very important to pray for him ..and to do all that you may have suggested …asked him to help around the house…but he has a HARD heart against ANY ‘demands’ that do not please him. He only does what pleases himself and uses his ‘power’ to bait our family.

        I understand spiritual ‘warfare’ to some degree and prayer indeed and study of the scriptures is most important.

        In conversations the sword of the spirit is not just for defense but it is to set forth truth in the face of lies. I believe as I have had many coversations with my husband that he STILL defends himself in his sin though he SAYS he is sorry

        To be able to recover oneself out of sin the WORD of TRUTH is essentially the surgical ‘tool’ of choice by what scripture speaks of …”LOVE” which recoils from contending for the soul of someone is a lot like the ‘seeker friendly ‘ church trends that neglect teaching the whole counsel of the scriptures leaving people with little substance and knowledge of their need to keep on examining themselves by way of being in the Word and asking the Lord to reveal to us our own areas of need for reproof and correction.

        Love indeed is what my husband needs but not the kind he has stomped all over for many years and used people who have loved him ….and NO not EVERYONE will fall prey to the same sin if they are invested in learning and wanting to love and please the Lord as He has called us to do. His love as HE has recorded is to ‘keep His word’ and when we do so and grow in the knowledge of it we will learn to avoid sinning and will desire to keep ourselves from DELIBERATE sin.

        I notice in Roman’s chapter one that the next thing to happen when people reject the Lord and His Word is sexual sin.

        The devil LOVES to snare people in this sinful way because it is so destructive .

        People who love the Lord and their spouses will not continue in sin and look for ways to continue to lie, cheat and steal …sooner or later they will just NOT BE ABLE to live in that …My husband has been skillfully devising ways to cover his tracks for some 33 years with full knowledge of it being harmful and wicked ….NOW he has had that exposed but does continue to try to manipulate and justify his sinful choices .

        I do think there is much need for me to pray for his soul and to practice forgiveness but the state of our society has been very damaged due to neglect of the Word and abandonment of it in terms of proper application to the things we see people now excusing and allowing in the name of ‘tolerance’ and political correctness.

        When the Lord calls for those who continue to sin and reject his offer to give an account I cringe to think of their state and coming situation. What do you suggest is the way to this man’s heart? I am listening.

      2. I have an additional comment for you “ME” > Your sweet and compassionate offering of counsel is great …I appreciate this as I said …it is hard sometimes to continue …It is now SEVEN Plus years since D DAY and I am continuing in my stand for our marriage as it is a COVENANT and it was taken not just to one another but toward the Lord.

        My husband moved to housesit so he could ‘think’ ….since then ….5 + months ago he has justified the idea that he will never return to our home …yet we will not divorce….or he is not sure just WHAT it is that he hopes this will accomplish.

        People who are sorry for their sin truely will do SOMETHING toward healing and learning how to deal with the messes they have made…to reconcile , to recompense to those they have harmed .

        Theives and murderers go before judges and land in jail for a period of time….most all of the crimes of our land require such a process. Those who commit adultery await a much worse fate but do not realize it since the losses are often not realized until much later or the things THEY suffer as a result of their choices do not really matter that much to them in the first place…the loss of their spouse …marriage and even family is often just ‘ another reality ‘ of this day and times view of marriage.

        This is all part of the agenda of the devil to destroy man , and society and it is a very subtle aspect of our present day social destruction. I can’t help but view the various news stories of the ‘Spring Break ” chaos and wonder how many of those who are caught up in the frenzy are children born of families where fathers did not take time or care to seek wisdom from God about HOW to be a FATHER …and before THAT …a husband . Those men missed out ! But the children suffer from lack of training , knowledge of truth and how to live rightly….

        The ongoing harm of men who are too proud , too smart and too busy to take time to learn FROM GOD is now everywhere to be seen …sad.

        My husband told early on when I encouraged him to go back to the Word to maybe discover what GOD had for men to learn about husband and fathering …since he WAS at that time growing in the word and HE refused and rejected the idea that he needed anyone to teach him anything ….It was a short time afterward that told me he did not WANT to be the head or leader of our household and from that time one he went on along with many other men to become what we might regard as adolescents in adult bodies….Many are arriving at the age of adulthood but unwilling to proceed to maturation….my husband is 57 and STILL unwilling to put away this attitude…AND society has encouraged this ..to me it is a form of ‘castration’ of men from manhood which also effects their wives , children and society.

        Adam was given the jurisdiction of responsibility to lead, love, nurture and protect his WIFE …and thus his children would be well taken care of ….today’s man has had this information withheld by the training of media and government schools and some if not many churches have neglected to bring the truth to MEN indeed.

        Feminism would have NO takers if men had been meek enough to love GOD enough to study the WORD to learn how to reverse this horrific trend…THOSE men who DO are awesome and are to be appreciated . Men who are maybe not aware of this but willing are to be encouraged as well ….men who are caught in the snare of sinful living sadly often don’t want to hear it …don’t care enough about GOD to lay down their life..as JESUS said .”Deny self , take up their cross and follow me ‘ …it just doesn’t bring in the big bucks so many churches refuse to bring that news…and everyone suffers

        Thank God for men who are willing to be taught of GOD througth His Word and who are willing to learn how to love their wives…and thank God for women who are doing their best to do what GOD tells them to do and wait for results …no one is perfect BUT the Lord said that we are to be perfect as HE is perfect. It is a worthy goal and done IN HIM if we are willing to continue in His word as he has told us to do.

  7. I was conceived from an affair. My mother’s husband agreed to raise me as his own and the truth of who my biological father is was kept a secret from our extended family and friends. My biological father was not interested in having any involvement in my life. It might seem, and the article seems to suggest, that this would be a good way of handling this type if situation. I did not discover the truth about who my father is until a couple of years ago when I was 42 years old. I spent much of my life in therapy because, I believe, that my mother perceived my conception as the reason for the end of her five year affair and whenever I did any of the stupid or costly things that I, like most children, did my father responded in a way I now see as his annoyance for having to clean up some other guys mess. As a result, there was significant psychological abuse that has left deep and lasting scars, not to mention the fact that finally learning the truth of my conception has been beyond devastating. I cannot put into words the impact of their cruel and irresponsible behavior. The only advice that should be given to people who find themselves in this type of situation is that it is unreasonable to not consider the potential for how the betrayal will affect the parents and how that, in turn, will affect how they treat the child.

    1. There are never any winners in devastating situations like this. Fr your experience do you think it would have been better for your mothers husband to have not taken you on? You mentioned he treated you as a mess he had to clean up. Did your mother and her husband have children of their own and how have they responded to this news? Has your mother ever apologised to you?

    2. Just wanting to say that I think God sent me to this website. I have been praying to be able to talk to a child that was conceived from an affair and get some sort of idea what is the “right thing to do” for the situation i am in. . My story is at the very bottom of this blog. maybe if you read it you wouldnt mind talking with me. i wont go into anymore detail as i have already explained it all in my post. but just know that my husband just recieved paternity suit papers in the mail from a child conceived from an affair. my heart is broken, and i pray daily to do the right thing for my three children, and for this precious child that i have never met…

      1. Traci, my name is Tina and my story is towards the end of this blog. If you could take the time to read it I would truly appreciate it. I am so glad I came across this webite. I have been so desperate for some good Chrisitan advice and from people who have been in this same situation. Its an answer to my prayers. Please read it and give me any advice you can. I have been married for 16 years and and my husband cheated on me a little after our 15 year anniversary. Were still together but it still HURTS. ):

    3. Sharon (or anyone) – I know you have had a hard life, and I am hoping you would be graceful enough to please respond to me as I am in a situation right now where I thought you might have some wisdom.

      I had an affair with a married woman and we have a child. She is 3, going to be 4 soon… and she is the best thing I have ever seen in my life. She is the most wonderful thing I have known. I’m 32 years old. And I’m torn between desperately wanting to tell the husband and be in her life and whether it should just be kept a secret as the husband is a good and kind and Godly man. The woman I had an affair with is too really… I just pulled her astray. She is gentle and loving and would be Godly had I not pursued her so fervently. When I saw a picture of this beautiful little girl, I knew she was mine… but the woman strongly believed she wasn’t mine, until I got a DNA test in November 2013. I can see how maybe it would be better for my daughter to live in this family life, finding out later in life that she is mine and being raised in that home with her two older sisters. So she can feel complete and a part of it.

      I’m torn between breaking that family identity in her mind, and telling the truth and having her in my life some, which I so desperately want her to be.

      My question to you is complicated I know since you only have one experience. But as you are a child of an affair as well, I was hoping you might have some insight. Do you think it is important for the child to just honestly know who she is her whole life even if that means being torn between two places? One of things we both love from our childhood is how we went on family vacations and have little legends of our family and the childhood. I’m afraid of breaking that family culture for her too. I love her so much, I just don’t know what would be better for her. To go away or to raise her. And I feel like it’s going to be confusing to her enough as it is… even though she just calls me Papa anyways… a nickname that stuck because of my beard.

      Any Godly advice is much appreciated.

      1. Dear “Man..”

        I find your name here interestingly appropriate. I do not wish to be unkind but to address some of what has caused an enormous amount of confusion in our day and time.

        The culture has made infidelity and illegitimacy a common occurrence. That does not follow that it is right or healthy as we see many marriages broken on the rocks of emotional immaturity and deliberate choices made by people confused and ignorant of what a marriage covenant IS …myself included UNTIL DDAY and then my urgent circumstances caused me to study in further depth what to do in the face of finding out about my husband’s adulterous LIFE which resulted in two children.

        Now being a follow of Christ throughout the past 46 years did not mean I was ‘born again fully mature’ Not at all but with that new birth there was a responsiblity to seek to learn the Truth if I was going to claim to follow Him who IS The Truth.

        In our society relativism and situations ethics has been fed to people through every media and relationship for many generations so that now people do not know for sure where the idea of marriage and even right and wrong apart from what the peer group is doing has arisen from.

        IF you believe in the God of the Bible then there is a great NEED to learn what GOD has given us to study to learn about one of the MOST important relationships of all. When we come to Christ we are not given a clear teaching from man about this …except for a few denominations who have only given it one side or the other of the ditches which run along the way GOD has set it forth.

        Seeing that the marriage is not a social construct as many have been led to think or that it is simply something that the wedding indiustry and some government benefits are drawn from it seems that it is far more deep and serious an act than more and more people are ignorant of and therefore aside from diseases and heartbreak are willing to defie God’s commands to breach!

        Feelings are nothing to base our life choices upon but it is apparent that when we do not know what is true by a measure that is a solid standard we will go with HOW WE FEEL and WHAT we want with an effort to make us happy and comfortable as possible with the ‘least amount of pain’ to others! This seems to be the ‘go to” when people feel a small inconvienient sting of whatever is left of a conscience once sentitive to SIN !

        Sin is an unused word more and more in our world growing darker by the day as on every front we see compromise and arguments that echo Alaister Crowley’s “Do what thou wilt , it is the WHOLE of the LAW ‘ and “Love is the LAW” which are both tenets of the satanist . AND the 1960’s ” IF IT FEELS GOOD DO IT”

        The serpent urged Eve and Jesus with the same suggestions …the responses of each are well worth considering …ONE led to consequences from ignoring God’s Word of warning and information as to what would happen as a result of sin …disobedience…and the other , Jesus took that Word and defended his mind from agreeing to blow off wisdom and truth …and simply do what would please Himself.

        Dying TO SELF is one the most difficult things a believer must come to terms with but it is the most effective way to set aside what we think we know about doing good or being right in the eyes of the culture and our own values and then allowing GOD to set forth the way that we must go in order to live without harming ourselves and others.

        The new birth does not MAKE anyone better at this …but makes it available to learn how to live rightly so that we do not cause others to stumble nor fall into sin ourselves and thus harm our own life , shame the name and ultimately all sinful choices will eventually harm others as we have all seen .

        The God of the Bible said SIN KILLS …it STEALS and it DESTROYS. Those are pretty good reasons to search out this issue and become informed . The problem is that the flesh doesn’t WANT to !

        Thus the new birth is when we are GIVEN a full pardon from sin…past , present and future BUT ALSO ALONG with the GIFT of salvation we are given the freedom to CHOOSE to follow after and live according to TRUTH …ABSOLUTE TRUTH …

        The truth in your mind helps you live in what we find is OPPOSITION to the world , the FLESH and the DEVIL.

        Please bare with me as I did not lay this foundation before hand to preach but to give some perspective on the difficult situation you are not torn by.

        I have much experience in my own walk with how difficult sin is to reject in making choices but Jesus Christ did not leave us without the source of power against the lure of sin…we just may not have availed ourselves to learn about it and how it is our weapon against walking more and more according to appetite and desire rather than truth.

        Learning what MARRIAGE is …and how all of what it entails and has to offer is important …learning HOW to be IN marriage and how it must be protected in our own minds with the WORD to replace all kinds of thoughts that work against fidelity is KEY

        It is called the ‘renewed mind’ in the word and we are told that we NEED to renew what and how we think to think GOD’S word when situations arise in order to avoid more damage!

        Your choices in the past were made in opposition to your conscience which KNOWS that emotional attachment to a married person is wrong and damaging but in a culture that is working against this truth all the time now and has worked so hard to break the family for it’s own benefits …it is most important to get informed about what is going on and then HOW to avoid getting involved to the degree that one FEELS that they MUST go forward with what is sin and deadly because it ‘FEELS RIGHT” !

        The Bible tells us that ‘what seemeth right unto a man leads to DEATH” that is because GOD KNOWS something that few of us know in this time…we have an INVISIBLE enemy that HATES GOD and thus will do anything he can to destroy MAN …God’s love.

        Man dropped the ball in Eden by disobeying the warning and command GOd gave him. Eden and the earth at that time was man’s jurisdiction …part of what happened at the FALL was man gave that jurisdiction over to the enemy of GOD ..Satan ..not God’s ‘equal’ as some think but a proud , arrogant created being whose desire was to usurp the throne of GOD

        Now what does this have to do with your situation? Think about it …man DECIDES to do whatever he wants because part of being ‘like GOD ‘ is that GOD indeed gave man an ability to CHOOSE ….and with that INSTRUCTIONS of HOW to choose rightly so that his life would be as it was meant to be.

        Man lost the connection with having a face to face with GOD at the Fall BUT throughout the Old Testament we observe GOD working to restore man back into relationship with Himself …and ultimately through coming to earth AS a man …living fulfilling all of the prophesy to prove HE was the promised one …

        We can have that relationship that Adam broke ..through Jesus Christ now because in the cross He paid our ‘bill’ in full for all of the sins …of the whole world . TO BENEFIT from that GIFT we need to HEAR about it and then from the time we are convinced that it is OURS we are free to live making right decisions …aka avoiding SINFUL CHOICES .

        Sinful flesh still challenges us but if we offer NO defense by way of choosing to learn and then obey what GOD has had written down for us to learn …then we are still moved by temptations ..GOD does not tempt us but if we follow our FEELINGS then satan who is identified presently …for the time being …as the ‘god of this world ‘ …will do his worst to get us to IGNORE learning how to live free from the power of sin and death that still works in our members….our flesh.

        This may be a bit more than you asked for but I STILL have a POINT To make in regard to this decision which I am sure you will agree will have far reaching consequences in the live of YOU ,.,.the CHILD and the whole family of the woman.

        BAttery dying …be back soon

      2. In response to the man who now has a child with a married woman. You need to consider the lives of not just your child but her siblings, her father as she knows him, extended family and so on. These things are farther reaching than just the child but effect EVERYONE connected. Why do you feel it necessary to destroy so many lives especially those that are too young mentally, emotionally and spiritually to understand what this turmoil will mean. This could mean divorce and utter devastation for the other children who could blame your child for the destruction of life as they know it. What could this rejection do to your daughter? Do you think the knowledge of your existence will make all of this okay? Of course in a perfect world all those affected by your actions could/should forgive you and be one happy blended family.

        I think you need to ferverevntly pray before you allow your emotions to make permanent damaging life long decisions.

        Is this really about the child or about you? Because this child is not a single entity she is woven into a family with siblings who believe they are all one. Disrupting this outside of Gods will will have devastating effects on all.

        The child is being loved, she is happy and cared for in a way you have said yourself especially by her mother and “father” in an environment that encourages growth and provides stability and security.

        In my opinion the risk if disrupting this is far too great. And what for? So that you can get a look in?

        Maybe speak with the mother and if she agrees she should speak with her husband. If they both feel to wAit until they know the child and other children are emotionally mature to withstand such a devastating revelation knowing that the family she has will still love and accept her then I would go with what they know is best for her and the family as a whole.

        Pray and seek God. If it is to be he will work it out for the benefit of all of those involved.

      3. Hi , I am just getting back to continue my attempt to give you some food for thought about this . I have to agree with “Cheaters wife’ in this situation and I will try to give you some good things to consider along with that she has stated.

        I thought to offer you some examples from people I know who have had to deal with not just your own situation …such as my own husband and his choice to leave the OW and to desert me and our family in favor of being a fair weather father for the two children he and the OW had and kept a long term secret arrangement going …I would not call it an affair because that sounds to much like a party and it was in fact more of an arrangement by agreement to do what they did for their own selfish reason without any hope of actually being a ‘couple’ ….yet everyone has suffered INCLUDING the children they had because the OW wanted to be a single mom by choice which she has proven to not only have planned to not want my husband but only wanted the money for as long as it is ‘due’ for the children …she still does not work !

        This has caused our entire family heartbreak and has indeed long term consequences for all who were ‘victimized ‘ by these two selfish people , emotionally , financially and mentally …not to mention the impact upon them spiritually as even thought our children were raised in the faith through home schooling the children of the OW have expressed hatred for Christ and anyone who claims him and the OW has prohibited my husband from sharing anything as he was repentant and wanting to bring the scriptures into his relationship with the children.

        Basically for all the good aspects of my husband in every other area of life his impact upon those children has not resulted in anything good. I still felt he should be in their lives but I had not reckoned upon him leaving me to do so . He does not have anything to do with the OW and in fact ‘hates’ her …so it is a lose lose for all concerned even though I had told him that he COULD have seen it become a good thing had he opted to remain in a full effort to reconcile and heal our marriage.

        It was too much ‘work’ …yes it IS work ..and I have continued to leave the door open for him and to minister in all ways that would give him hope in this .

        The other children do not have the guidance of a true father and neither do they observe what a husband or a father actually is in functioning with a spouse and within the God ordained order and jurisdiction of what a father and what a marriage is …in fact they are learning that marriage and adultery are really NOTHING to be all that interested in ..combine that with a culture that encourages and normalizes the broken family unit and you have a recipe for two more disastrously ill equipped people entering a culture of self indulgence and self centerness with no real clue of what God and marriage has to offer…they have never known it and have not seen it demonstrated .

        Switch to the scenario my own brother had …He married and his wife was pregnant by him before the vows. After the baby was born she put it up for adoption despite my brother’s objections. They ended in divorce . He married again and ended up not able to have children due to prostate cancer and mourned his loss of having children. Here he is in his early 70’s and low and behold the daughter his wife put up for adoption was found and wanted to know him and now he has been really delighted to get to know his daughter who is grown and has two children of her own. She has had wonderful parents and is a delightful and well adjusted woman with a great family now . My brother is finally enjoying being a dad with this woman and she with him .

        He missed her childhood but in this case her life was stable and she has had two loving parents who raised her well.

        Next today I met with an old friend of mine who was separated from his mother when she sent him to the US from Italy and he ended up adopted and never knew his father…as he said he was a ‘bastard’ but he was raised by a wonderful man who taught him many good things about being a man. He was a Vietnam vet and has no regrets only thankfulness for the Lord who saved his soul later after his military time. He was also a very successful musician and then was an ordained minister having had many broad life experiences along with this deep love for the Word of GOD.

        I shared this predicament with him and asked him what HE would do as having been born out of wedlock and then given up for adoption and never knew his father …He said that in his view that the best thing was to allow the child to grow up and at some future point when she was ready ,..to allow HER in maturity to seek you out . Having information so that she could . My friend said that he would have liked to find his dad but had no information to do so .

        Adults raised in an intact family and especially one that is endeavoring to fulfill the godly jurisdiction of husband and father will be more equipped to deal with this very difficult situation.

        God has ordained an ORDER for a reason that it is protective and healthy for individuals to enjoy a relationship with HIM and boundaries such as marriage has are to protect all aspects…spiritual , emotional , mental and physical. Family is under attack in our day and time and the end aim of the enemy of our soul is to fracture all of the boundaries and order that GOD has put in place for us to thrive and prosper.

        Even with my many years in the Word and following Christ learning of the deceit and betrayal of my husband with this OW has been very difficult to navigate in a godly fashion . I have spent countless hours day and night for the past seven years trying to determine what I should do in response to what GOD has for me to do ….sin is forgiven through Jesus Christ by His work on the cross and it is received by whomsoever will receive it by way of asking and changing their minds about their need for a Savior.

        Rejection of the Lord and the wisdom of His word is destructive to believers as well when they seek to do what they FEEL or to follow the humanistic dogma we hear so much about that a child needs their BIOLOGICAL father in their life at all costs . The first jurisdiction of a man is to GOD and then his parents UNTIL he marries and then it is to be shift in priority to HIS WIFE …NOT children …the children of a marriage are blessed when the FATHER keeps the Lord has his head and then is able to love and lead his wife properly .

        Fathering a child biologically does not immediately qualify a man to BE a father by the definition of PARENTING …as with many other aspects of life ..apart from taking heed to God’s WORD and wisdom a man can do nothing .

        Marriage is NOT a contract ..it is a distinctly important covenant and it is GOD to whom we make our vows …it is HIS created jurisdiction given to a man who requests from GOD ONE woman that he promises God he will take upon himself her care and keeping in all of her aspects. The husband thus takes upon himself representative of Christ Himself and his reputation as to HOW Christ loves his WIFE …the CHURCH

        I would say that is serious business to take it lightly and view the wife as only ‘useful’ for the man’s desires or ego…thus children also are not FOR the USE of a man to feel good about himself or to enjoy their company just whenever he can squeeze them into his busy schedule for a few hours a week.

        My husband said he actually did some study to find out how many hours a week a man had to engage his children in order for them to be well balanced! WOW ….it ‘s interesting to me that he did this when considering having children by the OW when he only spent a very minimum with OUR children and family because he said he ‘loved ” them and he believed they KNEW it even as he was planning to have more children by this woman as an extension of his ‘deal’ that she ‘settled ‘ for knowing he would never leave is wife!

        Now I have given you probably a LOT more info here than you bargained for but I urge you to consider WHY you want to step into this family FURTHER and disrupt and possibly destroy the whole lot of them because you ‘care’ !

        All people belong TO GOD because HE BOUGHT US WITH A PRICE and “WE ARE NOT OUR OWN” …your children are for you to steward and within a MARRIAGE to ONE WOMAN …not for you to insert yourself into someone else’s marriage!

        The scriptures say that Rom 13:10 Love worketh no ill to his neighbour: therefore love is the fulfilling of the law.

        It seems to me that this your understanding of what “LOVE ” is , is lacking in a lot of what GOD has recorded for us to learn…..Adultery does SUCH ILL to all who are not even any part of this CHOICE that people who indulge their fantasies do ….it is beyond expressing to those who are led by Hollywood and various other influences to think that it is no big deal.

        What GOD has informed and warned us of IS A BIG DEAL …sin steals, kills and destroys life and some do more depth of damage …even when forgiven …than most people have any idea .

        I hope you can think more clearly about what is BEST in terms of …who is this guy who has decided that HIS happiness is based upon doing what HE wants so HE can feel good about himself …while damaging further …and trespassing on a covenant made with GOD that is between one man and one woman …MARRIED .

        If you truly are sorry and want to ‘love’ not just the child but the people who have been stolen from by your ‘love’ for this woman …then leave them to heal …and go back to the Lord and seek what HE will tell you about …deny yourself , take up your cross and FOLLOW HIM…..

        Luk 17:33 Whosoever shall seek to save his life shall lose it; and whosoever shall lose his life shall preserve it.

        May the Lord help you to straighten out your thinking ….because this world is not going to do that .

        Rom 12:2 And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.

        11 For it is written, As I live, saith the Lord, every knee shall bow to me, and every tongue shall confess to God.

        12 So then every one of us shall give account of himself to God.

        2 Peter 3:9 The Lord is not slack concerning his promise, as some men count slackness; but is longsuffering to us-ward, not willing that any should perish, but that all should come to repentance.

        10 But the day of the Lord will come as a thief in the night; in the which the heavens shall pass away with a great noise, and the elements shall melt with fervent heat, the earth also and the works that are therein shall be burned up.

        11 Seeing then that all these things shall be dissolved, what manner of persons ought ye to be in all holy conversation and godliness,

        12 Looking for and hasting unto the coming of the day of God, wherein the heavens being on fire shall be dissolved, and the elements shall melt with fervent heat?

        One cannot buck the ORDER of GOD nor ignore the BOUNDARIES set by GOD especially in relationship with HIM and between a husband and a wife.

        Our society is presently pressing upon people ideas that fly in the face of God’s Word and HIS ORDER.

        While it urges and approves the murder of babies in the womb and encourages more and more people to have sex outside of marriage they lay a guilt trip on men to ‘be fathers’ in any form or way to children …and it is NOT according to the way GOD defined Fatherhood … in practice and outcome!

        Outside of being married to the mother …there is no way to relate to children the value of marriage . SIN thrives as it becomes NORMALIZED …just as families insist upon children accepting a ‘blended family ‘ as normal and accepted it is overreaching the boundaries set by GOD who has ordained a married couple only parted by DEATH of one or the other spouse.

        Today’s generations now are hard put to know anyone not living their life ‘happy’ as they have been solicited and conformed to accept multiple serial ‘marriages ‘ as normal …and those children who are successfully forced to accept a ‘remarriage’ are having their consciences ‘seared ‘ and not given the truth that GOD SET FORTH FROM THE BEGINNING and JESUS CHRIST confirmed as what MARRIAGE IS …….one man …one woman FOR LIFE !

        So…who are we to ‘redefine’ marriage according to our feelings and lusts! ….NOT OK ..and it has destroyed countless lives of people who grew up with NO CLUE of how marriage works and what everyone’s part and benefit is to even BE IN one.

        And people wonder why the world is in the state it is .

        Until people take heed to READ the BIBLE themselves and measure their own lives by it and continue to do so ..and also measure what is said to be in scriptures…we will continue to see what GOD said about HIS PEOPLE.

        Hos 4:6 My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge: because thou hast rejected knowledge, I will also reject thee, that thou shalt be no priest to me: seeing thou hast forgotten the law of thy God, I will also forget thy children.

        We simply cannot live life any way we FEEL like it in opposition or rejection of God’s WORD which is TRUTH and expect a great and godly outcome. Man is given freedom to learn and then to make choices by what he learns and since GOD has spoken in His Word man is thus accountable for how he chooses to live life….and every one will give an account …ignorance will not be an excuse !

        Rom 1:20 For the invisible things of him from the creation of the world are clearly seen, being understood by the things that are made, even his eternal power and Godhead; so that they are without excuse:

        The flesh doesn’t like to hear this these days because GOD IS RIGHT! MANKIND needs to get a clue ..GOD is NOT harsh to those wise enough to listen to Him and do what He has warned us to do ….saved yes…but often foolish when we deny God knows what is right and what HIS love is ……and the fruit of a sinful choice is still going to be ‘fruit’ …we learn to avoid the consequences of sin by LISTENING to GOD in what to think and how to apply His Word ….

        I pray you will make a long thoughtful and prayerful consideration of what IS and what IS NOT YOUR jurisdiction here …and for the sake of a stable and godly life …allow that child to grow up within a family that will heal and raise her and when she is older able to make her own choice to meet you .

        In the meantime ..consider HER rather than what YOU feel and want.

        Just my two cents.

      4. Another piece of information that came to mind.

        When I was seeking godly counsel I asked a minister whose ministry was directed to the study of men and family that I had some materials during home schooling I found useful and informative. I asked him what his counsel was in our situation . He brought up the truth of how God set forth jurisdictions in various aspects of society. Family was to be under the father’s leadership and his main influence was to be the Lord.

        Under the father’s protection and provision was to be his wife and all children that were of his marriage covenant …aka HIS WIFE.

        Thus his daughters born of his wife were HIS jurisdiction until they married . Now I realize that in the OT those who were found guilty of adultery were dealt with quickly and severely …either put out of the synagogue which was pretty much a ‘death sentence’ since they could not buy or sell and were outcast …or some other penalty …even stoning to death.

        This was so that this sin was not spread abroad as if there were no fear of consequences . It was for the protection of the whole people even to deter a casual attitude about sexual promiscuity…which would not only break hearts and families but spread disease and bring about disdain for God Almighty and His laws.

        Often times when people bring up Jesus dealings with the woman caught in adultery or so said they who brought her …HE was being scrutinized to see if HE would judge her apart from the law which required that a person be found guilty only at the testimony of TWO OR THREE WITNESSES …there were none found so His comment to her was that He did not judge her guilty and actually according to their law HE COULD NOT since there were no witnesses willing to bring testimony against her! HE also affirmed the law in that he told her “GO and SIN no more’ thus confirming that if she did and was found guilty after HE left town she would face the full extent of the judicial system…His forgiveness is available since he went to the cross for all who come and ask …and receive it but consequences still stand .

        In our case the counsel was that since the woman deliberately made her choice to have sex with a married man and then made a deliberate choice to have children by him that she had taken up the jurisdiction of parenting the children and her not being married all of her actions would fall upon HER FATHER who was still over her in jurisdiction …and actually HE was the one who failed to train her up according to the Word of GOD so he would bare the responsibility for her and for those children …NOT what we see in today’s twisted Humanist society …

        According to this order those most responsible for the sin that today is continuing to cause the pain of the those who commit adultery to propagate further upon those who did not commit adultery …aka the spouses and families and any resulting children due to their sinful decisions ….there is not death penalty consequence with mercy extended but they must bare the pain of having brought children into this and deal with that awareness as they have to raise their children in the midst of THEIR sinful choice. The woman having to deal daily with those children knowing what she cost them..

        The married man has to lose his relationship with those children because HIS JURISDICTION and FIRST responsibility under the Lord is TO GOD and to obey what GOD has put before him in that he is MARRIED to HIS WIFE and thus his first responsibility is to HIS WIFE and the children of his marriage.

        He suffers knowing he has placed innocent children in the situation where they have no real family as it is meant to be and to nurture and train them up so they do not enter into life with no knowledge or experience of a godly family.

        Today’s ungodly society has taken it upon itself in a false ‘compassion ‘ driven by other motives for the movement of society further from reliance upon God and thus less concern about the consequences of sin as people may get their support from the government …father’s do not know their purpose or responsibility as husband’s and father’s nor how to function within those boundaries and thus to not have the godly appreciation for the privilege of those things GOD has entrusted to their stewardship.

        The way people have been moved away from regarding the sins God has warned us of even in churches is the consensus [based upon Hegelian dialectic] that if people agree that something is ‘good’ and everyone has agreed to the decision that it is ‘OK” ….my husband said that the OW ‘made that deal ‘ and ‘she settled’ …! Just because people agree to sin does not make it any less damaging ! Just because you CAN doesn’t mean you SHOULD!

        Today this OW gets support from the government AND generous support from our family to our detriment because I did not want those kids to suffer and we have not been forced to do this by courts it was OUR decision to provide for them …yet the actual way the Word has set forth is that HER father should have had to take up the consequences of her sin because it was HIS failure to train her up and to protect her from the weakness of character his lack of training brought about in her life…Of course in generations now gone by this is nothing like what people understand as the function of fathers and it was pretty much destroyed back when men began to read into the idea of headship as if it meant domination …Jesus warned his men not to take lordship over people as the gentiles of that day but that a HEAD meant life giving leadership as a servant. Once again not taking the counsel of the whole Word of GOD and viewing it through flesh brought about disaster and rebellion.

        If men loved their wives as Christ loved the Church and took heed to the directives of the Word in their relationship with women Feminism would have had few to no taker but the world , the flesh and the god of this world has had a huge impact upon even the faith .

        Early in the first century church GNOSTICISM came into the different groups which has been addressed in Colossians …the doctrine of the Nicolatians also is of this sort…where people were led to believe the what their flesh did had no effect upon their salvation so they let it loose …since they could be forgiven ….the other side of Gnostic doctrine was more to abstain from all kinds of things the flesh being thought to be evil …in an of it self which led to religious works in order to gain salvation …both ‘ditches’ worthless .

        The believer in thanksgiving and love for GOD would learn to regard sin and something damaging to be avoided because it brings pain and damage to others …stumbling other people and bringing SHAME to the NAME …thus as we grow in knowledge and wisdom we are to desire to avoid sinning deliberately not to take advantage of forgiveness and mercy to DO sin .

        So taking into consideration the truths set forth of how GOD dealt with adultery in the OT and it is still a ‘death’ of a kind in that it is sin…and sin KILLS ultimately in some form or other…salvation is ours through Jesus Christ so that we may be forgiven and cleanse but we need to be wise in this situation …adding more sinful choices on top of the adultery does not help …as they say two wrongs do not make a right….

        Sinning to try to deal with the children out of adultery does not ‘fix’ the problem but only has added MORE to the situation and harmed MORE people …including the two children born from the adultery.

        It has caused much pain in our own family . My children are godly, forgiving and yet let me share with you ….my son recently married …during the ceremony before some 170 people up on a platform he and his bride were to address their parents with expressions of gratitude …in the midst of my son speaking to me …[my husband did not attend] he broke down SOBBING …with sorrow expressing apology to me for his father’s life long treatment! He continued to sob all the way down the isle and into the dressing room with his bride comforting him! My son is a fine strapping masculine man of 28 ! imagine how those who believe that committing adultery has no lasting effect upon children of adult age …all those years gone before when my husband was involved in this he presented himself to all as a wonderful family man and father ….yet NOW we all have to view those years as false …it is devastating despite the forgiveness and the maturity and faith of our children who were adults when this was discovered.

        His choice to deliberately have children with this woman …even as he and she did not want marriage to each other …is unbelievable ….to our children it is like how adultery feels to a wife …they understand somewhat how deception and sin works through the flesh but to know that their father did not care enough about THEM to avoid this pain is difficult to say the least …it is like a triple infidelity!

        I am thankful my son married a wonderful young woman but there are many things I hope they have learned from what I have been able to share from my study of the Word …for the last 46 years but importantly since D DAY 7 years ago…

        I am still married and this fall will be so for 34 years …but my husband has chosen to live away from me and it is still in the face of our daughters because he has chosen the children of adultery over me and our family.

        To date the people who suffered the most from this have been me and our children ,…ultimately the children of adultery will suffer worse since they are growing up believing that it is ‘normal ‘ for people to live the way they do . When the boy asked my husband how come he never stays over night at their house and how he was the ONLY one in his school whose dad did not live with them. Instead of setting the record straight because he did not want to hurt the child with the truth he said …”You’re not the only one whose father does not live with them …LOTS of kids don’t have their dads living at home ” AND the children KNOW that he is married with a family

        We have never met them due to the way the children do not want to meet us and their mother has turned them against the idea….she is also militantly against the Bible and Jesus Christ …which is no surprise.

        So my husband CHOSE to do all of this while still posturing as a believer …but just ‘not the way I believe’ in his words.

        I observed that IF he believes in the God of the Bible he would turn back to his vows …as of right now that seems it will be an act of GOD upon his conscience but so far he has demonstrated a hardened heart against it …

        He continues to prey upon the emotions of his children being the ‘fun guy” thus demonstrating that in sin there is no accountability …this may be in THIS world but he is leading those children astray for they don’t know any better …

        Children want to please their parents …especially when young …so what child is going to challenge the image the father presents to him? They may fear the loss of the love of their parent ..The father who demonstrates his own TYPE of morality over that of the Word of the Lord is in dangerous territory and leads the young into a life devoid of truth.

        It is a sorrowful state indeed.

        IF your child has a father in the family she is in and he is a man who is concerned about raising her up according to his best knowledge and effort in the Word then it seems to be the best for her to learn godliness and when old enough to be told what she needs to know and make the choice to meet the biological parent….

        From what I am seeing the interaction of my husband has not been all that effective for good…in fact the OW has despised his efforts and my sacrifice for the sake of those kids knowing their father and solicited BIG BROTHERS for her son because she feels he needs the mentoring of a man! How painful this is for my husband who has made a faithful and diligent effort to be there for that child four days a week…This is HER way of ‘loving’ though she has left those kids alone for stretches of time during their young years ….it was all about the money.

        Sorrow for them and prayers that GOD will work things out for HIS glory and the good of all who trust in Him alone

        Retrieving the understanding of scripture in these dark days is hard but we need to think Biblically and then make our choices the best we are able to the glory of GOD for when we walk according to HIS way it will become lighter as we see the Day approaching and we will gain understanding despite how it is opposed to our flesh and the world’s way of compromise.

        Psa 84:11 For the LORD God is a sun and shield: the LORD will give grace and glory: no good thing will he withhold from them that walk uprightly.

        Pro 14:12 There is a way which seemeth right unto a man, but the end thereof are the ways of death.

        Pro 16:25 There is a way that seemeth right unto a man, but the end thereof are the ways of death

        Pro 12:15 The way of a fool is right in his own eyes: but he that hearkeneth unto counsel is wise.

        Pro 21:2 Every way of a man is right in his own eyes: but the LORD pondereth the hearts

        The state of the carnal heart is this ….

        Jer 17:5 Thus saith the Lord; Cursed be the man that trusteth in man, and maketh flesh his arm, and whose heart departeth from the Lord.

        6 For he shall be like the heath in the desert, and shall not see when good cometh; but shall inhabit the parched places in the wilderness, in a salt land and not inhabited.

        7 Blessed is the man that trusteth in the Lord, and whose hope the Lord is.

        8 For he shall be as a tree planted by the waters, and that spreadeth out her roots by the river, and shall not see when heat cometh, but her leaf shall be green; and shall not be careful in the year of drought, neither shall cease from yielding fruit.

        9 The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?

        10 I the Lord search the heart, I try the reins, even to give every man according to his ways, and according to the fruit of his doings.

        Don’t despair …though we all have sinned and come short of the glory of GOD and there is NONE GOOD but GOD we have a mediator between God and man …the man Jesus Christ the righteous by whom we who believe in Him as Savior and Lord are made unto HIM righteous …HIS righteousness is accounted to us …but to learn to walk in that we are to continue IN HIS WORD and thus we will be HIS disciples INDEED!

        Jhn 8:31 Then said Jesus to those Jews which believed on him, If ye continue in my word, then are ye my disciples indeed;

        Sinful choices made by feelings and the society’s way of thinking does not make anything better ….adding more sinful choices to a consequence of sin will not bring forth good fruit.

        Start fresh …confess the things God’s Word will shine the light upon which are keeping us in bondage and become free of fear to follow Him no matter what men may say.

        May your life bring forth a testimony for the future influence you may have upon a child who will eventually THEN benefit from knowing a godly man.

  8. Dear Sharon ,

    How heartbreaking this has been for you. It is for this reason I encouraged my husband to continue his relationship with the children he had with his adulteress. She has not wanted marriage and does not have any men in her life . My husband says he ‘hates’ her …but who knows. He moved out and lives house sitting presently. He has retreated further into his own private world and has used up both of our retirement savings to pay bills while trying to bounce back from the economy and his past company tanking . He is good at his career but it took a hit from all of the things other people have suffered AS WELL as his ‘generosity’ with the OW and support of the children .

    I supported him throughout his career climb and even insisted we pay support for the OC …and that he continue to be in their lives since their mother is of questionable ability to parent them. I have not been allowed to take any part in that relationship and at first did not think it would be healthy for our own children even as they are older …it is still a deeply wounding issue .

    I cannot imagine what the OC will be dealing with once they get old enough to realize what my husband and their mother did in reality …for now my husband has told them he has a family but they were given the choice if they wanted to meet us …and they did not feel comfortable so we dropped it . Perhaps someday.

    With my husband deciding to leave our family …not with any definite idea of what his ‘time away ‘ is supposed to accomplish I have no idea what he is up to . He does not speak to me except when he has to …at least he pays the bills …for now …but he is having a hard time building his business back up and the duel family bills are taking the toll.

    Our lives are uncertain in this area …and I am using this time to study the Word …I have found a church that is bible oriented …but it is still difficult to start up gaining a social network with so many issues of our family life hanging in the balance…making new friends is difficult though I am a rather gregarious and caring person…The pain of discovery seven years ago is still a daily issue …triggers are fewer and I am busy and reach out to help others…but the loss of my husband’s presence now has put more of what HE is responsible for in our marriage and family squarely upon my two daughters …we are three women going along overcoming daily but still struggling where he was once simply supposed to be here to help .

    He spends most of his time working , working out and sleeping …I am guessing trying to deal with the realization that what he did …a really ‘good guy’ does not do! I think he once flew with the ‘eagles ‘ who thought they did not have to live by the rules others do.

    Our society fosters this kind of daring do …risky lifestyle ..and those who think the rules to not apply to them because they are such ‘good guys’ find out sooner or later that EVERYONE they were supposed to care about suffered because of their excellent ability to lie, cheat and steal.

    At least I think I see that he has remorse or like to think it is real. That he can somehow believe he gets to leave because he can’t stand to see the damage he has done here is not a very hopeful display of ‘regret’ but more of the same selfish behavior ….to me is it like someone running over a person in a crosswalk..seeing the blood and then driving off because they don’t like the sight of blood!

    One thing I think my girls have been learning is that when it comes to a future husband …if they ever get one … to watch out for ‘strong willed but weak character ‘ …a man who does not care about what GOD thinks and does not care about the value of self disciplined morality will not care about those who he can use for his own pleasure..

    That includes the weak OW …she was strong in her persuasive skills but both damaged themselves while hurting children ..and me without any concern …even now they both serve their own agendas and the OC are being ‘played’ by them both.

    IF and when the OC ever come to learn what is true about all this I pray they will have someone strong and loving to help them through …I will be here …but I doubt they will come around …they have been encouraged to somehow see me as an enemy! Isn’t that ironic…those who do the crime blame their victims!

    I am not a victim but I am wounded and I realize I am going to heal ..in time and with effort…I don’t see my husband making the kinds of decisions that will help him internally or eternally at this point …but God is still overall and so I have to rely upon Him to help me and to help me pray aright for these who carelessly use and abuse other people’s lives …it is rather a fearful state for anyone to be in seeing we all will face the Lord one day to give an account.

    I pray the pain you have suffered over the years in this situation will be healed soon and effectually as I know only Jesus Christ can and do as we surrender our pain to Him and walk through it .

    Many hugs for your difficult life situations ….We can’t let the devil win on this no matter what situation we may find ourselves in because of other people’s careless choices.

  9. Thank you very much you have helped me a lot. My story is my husband had a child with someone just after we started dating and it did hurt so bad but I was able to forgive him but what then continued to hurt me was that he felt bad for the child that he spoke to the mother on whatsapp everyday I told him that it was not right and he did not really care he would act like he stopped but when you check his phone you can see that he did not stop and you can even see that some messages are deleted.

    And when we got married he cheated on me a couple of times at one time he lied that he had a baby with this girl but did not know of it so because he knows how I feel about children I encouraged him to have contact this is when we were married but he was still living in Africa and me in England. I was so heartbroken when I eventually found out that it was a lie imagine I would encourage him to talk to his girlfriend I felt so betrayed. I love him so much that I gave him another chance he moved to England and in no time when he started going to work he started having an affair with a woman from his work place he denied it but there is enough evidence to prove that it’s true now it’s seven months down the line and I have heard that that woman is pregnant and it could be his baby I asked him but he denied like he denied the affair . I believe she is and it’s his I am hurting so bad so bad I do not know what I am going to do

  10. Dear Nandy,

    I wish I could give you something to encourage you but as long as someone is responding only to their emotions and appetites they are in ‘enemy territory’ . This is sad and awful for you. Lying opens the ‘door” into the mind as well as any sin . It puts a person in a state of ‘cooperation’ with the Father of lies ….the devil as Jesus identified him.

    This may not help you with hope for your husband but you may hope in the Lord who is LORD over all . As you go to Him , Jesus will guide you through His Word and instruct you . In the meantime keep your own vows of marriage which were made unto GOd as well as to your husband. Two people may not be going in accord but you are still able and responsible to search out the way GOd has designed marriage and life where He has given us all His Word which is above all His name for us to know those things which He has prepared for us to know.

    I am sad for your state and situation and have empathy but we must be strong IN HIM and in HIS might because our flesh is weak and though able to do a lot of things, when it comes to spiritual matters only Jesus is our hope and strength and wisdom in all things.

    The world is full of deceit and cunning fables….the Word of GOD is truth and Jesus IS that Word ….cast your care upon Him and He will direct you …your husband is lost and in confusion and is not thinking straight but for your sake and the sake of the name of the Lord you may hope in all that He has recorded for you to learn about His will found in His Word.

    Prayer for you and your husband are going up …..be encouraged …walk by faith and not by sight and you will overcome by His powerful Word which is His spirit .

  11. I need help. I am in the same situation. It’s been a year since the day I found out. My small family have endured so much since then. I have moved onto to forgiving. My husband wants no part in raising the child. The mother has heavily harassed us since I found out. He broke ties with her after she came to him with the pregnancy after they had sexual intercourse the first time. She threatened to tell the community (he is well-known as we were members of the Chamber of Commerce among other organizations) what he had done. He appeased her for about 5 months until she text him one day for him to reply that she had the wrong number. She found me on facebook to give me explicit details of their act as well as added many extra things that I have come to terms with are lies. She has four other children (one with him being her fifth) and just now filed child support. We did an in home DNA. She constantly posts to her facebook (as well as the FB page she made about ME to harass me) flaunting the fact that my husband gave her life. We have restraining orders on her, her sister, and eldest son. I came in contact with her ex husband who’s new family also has restraining orders against her. My struggle now is accepting that my husband wants no part due to the mother’s instability and drama. He also doesn’t want to hurt our young daughter and our step-son by bringing in another child. He doesn’t want to hurt more family members/close friends by announcing the new child. He doesn’t want to hurt our finances by fighting for full custody. Still then, she’d be in our lives due to visitation, etc. The OW announces on a daily basis that I am the reason he wants no part, I threatened to leave him, etc, etc. It’s hard to deal with when I have actually attempted accepting the child in my mind and seeing her in our future. I need direct contact with someone experiencing these same feelings before I go crazy. I can’t talk to him much about it, he clams up and gets so ashamed.

    1. It also sounds as if he is using her behaviour to hide his shame and avoid responsibility.

      You should block her on Facebook, contact with her will do you no good. Avoid all contact where necessary unless it is through mediation.

    2. This makes me sad. This woman is clearly unstable. One can only imagine what kind of poisonous stories she will tell the child about it’s father, and what those stories will do to his/her self esteem and future ability to form healthy relationships. Are you or your husband really ok leaving ANY child to someone so unstable? It would probably be in the child’s best interest to be raised by you and your husband. That is if the two of you could find a way to love it for the person he or she is regardless of how it came to be. I can only imagine how hard it would be to overcome such a situation but I think this kid needs YOU and your children as much as it does your husband.
      Good Luck!

      1. Kristin,

        I actually had a heart-warming dream about the child and our time with her. We were keeping her for the day and it was joyful. My daughter and step-son were not involved nor met her which was a bit odd and left me feeling weird. It was like she was my own. Then her mother came to pick her up, began doing her “usual” (although we have NEVER interacted in regards to the child other than a DNA) dramatic antagonistic scene. I put my rage aside, shooed her away and kept the child with us. It was magical, besides the scene when the mother arrived trying to take her away. I feel it was symbolic to if we were to gain full custody.

        One thing I had mentioned was that it would be a huge financial burden on us. We are trying to buy a house, get settled in life. We’re like two college students trying to make our way as it is–eating ramen noodles when there’s no food or cutting cable off and sticking with Netflix when bills get too high. We’re both young. I just started college amongst my full time job. It’s hard. I won’t deny that hiring a lawyer to help save this child from her mother is not an ideal situation for us. Her ex-husband is still paying on a $30K balance from taking her to court over their 4 children when he was trying to gain custody for them. He gained custody in 2010 but had to give them back to her because they were physically abusing (by direction of their mother) his disabled 4y/o step-son. I would love to gain custody of the child before she is poisoned with this type of behavior, before she is able to become so low in self esteem that it affects her daily life. But at this time, financially, it just isn’t’ feasible. It hurts my heart to say that. The best we can do is set up visitation. But my husband doesn’t want that. At this point I can’t seem to figure out why. Is he thinking I can’t handle it? Is he afraid our children will be hurt by this (as when they are older, they will know what happened)? Is he apathetic of the child (my worst fear)?

        All insight is welcome. I try not to think about it often as it brings me down, being unable to do anything about it.


  12. I am struggling with a short term affair that my husband had that resulted in a daughter. He wants no part in raising her as the mother is very unstable. He is afraid to fight for custody in the event that our financial situation is not great. He is also ashamed and does not want to further hurt our other unknowing children. It’s been a year since I found out, and the OW just now filed CS. We have had to file restraining orders against her and her family due to being heavily harassed by them. I submitted a comment longer than this but it says it was not sent. So I am writing a shorter version as the other was rather long. I need to talk to others in the same situation as I or similar. I am blamed on a daily basis by the OW and family that I threatened my husband that I would leave if he had something to do with the affair child which is completely not true. I have even tried talking to him about accepting the child in our home and he says no. I cannot figure out if it is due to irresponsibility or if he thinks by not doing so that he will not add to our hurt. He was not raised with a father in his home and states several times a year that he “turned out just fine”, in which I have to remind him that he did not, otherwise his insecurities in which led him to cheat to begin with would not be present today. I just need people who understand to talk to about this. Can we exchange emails?

    The Struggle Is Real

    1. Thestrugglesreal please post your email address so that I can contact and support you.

      Do not feel pressured or allow yourself to be bullied by the other woman and her family. It us easier for her to use you as an excuse for why this mess did not work out the way she planned. And the child will know this when she grows. And also until yor marriage has healed having te child in your home may not be good for any of you right now.

      Send your email so we can talk.

      1. I’ve had to make a new email strictly for infidelity purposes as they google my name and emails to find whatever they can about me. I went for support on another page leaving my real name and email and they found it and made fun of me for it.

        I made the mistake of heavily talking with the OW, I talked to her on a daily basis for weeks, almost begging for information as my husband was too ashamed to tell me.

        I do believe he is using her behavior as an excuse to hide behind in shame.

        My email is overcominginfidelity0@gmail.com

        Thank you so much for your kind words.

    2. I tried to send you a message through email. I am in the EXACT same situation. would love to talk with you! i am lost and confused myself! i will try and send it again because i dont think it went through. my story is down at the end of the page if you would like to read it and decide if you would like to talk…praying for you and your family

      1. Traci,

        Please send again. I deleted the account due to no response to posting it here. I had to free phone of memory. Please please try again. I hope you are well. You are not alone.


  13. The dndmies of righteousness abound but Jesus Christ will be your refuge….even after my own devastating situation which will be so for as long as the OW and the children of adultery exist, I have seen and known the comfort and overcoming action on my behalf as I have trusted the Lord through many trials….kidnapping for nine days as a new believer…frequent challenges as I walked out on faith …deceptions over the early years as I had to grow in knowledge and understanding of the things of God in truth….No matter what comes against the Lord’s sheep HE is still our Good Shepherd. I have come to see the ones that are deeply cooperating with the Adversary as those who will suffer more as they plant sin ..which is a seed and all seed brings forth fruit after it’s kind .

    Sooner or later those who are taken captive by the thoughts and lies which promote and urge them to ignore their consciences and do damage to themselves and others will suffer far more …we may not live to see it but it is assured .

    I pray for them despite my hatred for the things done and the ongoing disrespect for what is right since they have no one that I know of doing so …since they are adrift among a sea of those who encourage such behavior …our world is dark and growing darker.

    I do not say you need to interact with them….in fact they serve the Father of Lies which Jesus told us is the devil so interviewing them will not avail what is true. Seek the Lord , listen to what HE says in His word which is written and recorded for your comfort and strength…People may be helpful and comforting but only the Lord will provide you with the wisdom you need in this time of decision…I am thankful for those who are in the trenches of this kind that we may be fellow comforters as no others may who have not endured these things.

    One of the hardest lessons for me is to keep out of the way of the Lord’s dealing with my husband and all who are contributors in terms of ‘payback’ and that is only for the sake of turning them from this deadly state of the hardened heart that obviously have and the crazy responding they do to the lying influences that promote their sinful behavior through lying thoughts unopposed by truth l

    May you find some comfort and your strength in the One who loves you better than anyone knows how to.

    One thing the devil hates and did not count on was the way believers learn to follow Jesus through the worst stuff that the world may throw at us …we learn to love the way GOD teaches us and that does not always mean to get cozy for his name sake with those who will turn and rend us but to keep our distance , invest in the Lord and His word in terms of time and focus and then do as He arranges for us as we trust in Him and His council

    The Lord does not change…Jesus Christ the same yesterday , today and forever….so glad because mankind is limited even at our best.

    My you find refuge in Him like no other.


  14. I’m possibly in the same position as everybody else here – a little different, but much the same. My husband and I met a few months after he returned home from Dessert Storm (’91) and unbeknownst to me he was mid-divorce. He had tried to get a divorce in 1990, but was called up to go to war and the judge delayed the divorce until he returned. So, we met in Dec 1991. His divorce was finalized in Feb. 1992. I found out about the divorce proceedings and whole still being married thing 2 weeks before it was finalized. By that time we were already an item and shortly thereafter expecting our own child. Not married and humilated, but there we were. DH and I both had a difficult time coming to terms with everything – the whole pregnancy was a rocky period in our relationship and a month before our child was born I left him. I take my responsibility in this – we were both at fault. I went home and sobbed my eyes out until the day our child was born, he got drunk and took solice in the arms of two other women – including a one night stand with his ex-wife. (I found out after we were married) The day our child was born was a wake-up call for my husband and he began to turn his life around. (Yes, it reallly can happen) When I found out about the relationships while we were apart I was devestated. Rock bottom, could not hurt worse if somebody had stabbed me in the gut with a kitchen knife – I’m sure you all understand! We got better though, it ate at me for years, but closing in on year 21 of our marriage that whole ugly time in our lives seems very distant!!

    Until last Thursday….My husband got a message from his ex-wife. Her daughter wants to know who her father is and wants him to take a DNA test. We were both just blindsided! He could hardly speak and I responded by throwing up! Imagine reading that message at 11:00pm and not being able to find out anything further until 8:00pm the next day (because DH would never bother her at work – and her drive home is fairly long, he wanted her to have time to relax before he called her in hopes that she would stay civil – she has a tendancy to just blow up) I spent most of the day laying in bed, my stomach in knots. DH came home from work and dragged me out of bed and into my garden – knowing that working the beds would help. He chose to talk to her alone, knowing that the stress of the whole conversation would probably send me rushing back to the bathroom.

    DH’s ex-wife, frankly, doesn’t know who the father of her now 20 year old daughter is and the other – and according to her, the more likely candidate – passed away in a car accident several years ago. (I contend that DH is the more likely father because I swear I could walk by him in the hallway too close and end up pregnant – until I had my tubes tied!) His family wants nothing to do with the girl and won’t even submit to any sort of testing and so her only recourse was to ask my husband to do a DNA test that would settle the matter one way or the other so that she could tell her daughter – yes, this man is your father. The daughter doesn’t know for sure that her mother doesn’t know who her father is, but at 20 and having gotten few answers I suspect she knows.

    That’s where we are right now. DH told her he would call her back in a few days, that we needed some time to ourselved to get over the shock, start thinking clearly and decide how to procede. DH has decided that all the cards should be laid out on the table for the daughter and then she should decide if she wants the DNA test. Given my husband’s family health history we feel it would be prudent for her to know absolultely – even if she chooses not to become part of our family. I’m not sure when he plans to call her mother back, but at some point before Friday he will.

    I am still in knots – although trying to function – for the sake of our kids and my own sanity. We need and crave prayer, but don’t feel like we have anybody here who we can even tell.

    Could you please pray for us.
    1. That this will only bring us closer as a family.
    2. That we find the wise way to tell our own children should the time come.
    3. That our new potential daughter find peace in the results of the DNA test – whatever they are.
    4. That our children can forgive their father and I for putting them in this position.
    5. That I can accept a new daughter fully. I know that my own actions and feelings will directly affect my children’s acceptance and response to this situation and right now, my heart is breaking all over again and I am not ready to accept her.

  15. I feel for all of you….and if I do …I know the Lord has compassion upon all . Relationship with the Lord builds our confidence that when we pray He will hear us and as the Book of James informs us that as those who are born from above …born again …when we pray we must ask according to HIS will ….The Bible informs those have put their trust in Jesus Christ that if we ask according to HIS will believing we will receive the petitions we ask for.

    Unfortunately there has been a lengthy stretch of history among believers now that has mixed a lot of error, fables, tradition , gnostism and spiritualism into our understanding. The Word is that ‘water’ which will set your thinking aright when it comes to anything that we encounter.

    Do not be discouraged if you have not spent time in searching out first the Lord Himself and through Him gain more and more instruction , wisdom and understanding of how you may expect His hand to move in this situation.

    I spent many MANY years in study and walking and STILL …the infidelity and it’s ‘results’ blindsided me ….perhaps I am just dense! or slow to hear….but in any case …do NOT allow the enemy of our souls to discourage you . Jesus Christ came to save sinners and none are righteous …our ‘garment ‘ of righteousness is just that HIS garment laid upon those who come to Him and ask Him for His offer of full payment for sin.

    I know how deathly painful this news is for you and your husband …I also know that our Lord will not desert you in this time of desperate need of His comfort and will bring about understanding as you take this opportunity to seek Him and to search the scriptures for wisdom .

    In the mean time I will petition Him for you to gain access to His peace through Jesus Christ as you lean not upon your OWN understanding or any of the many ‘advices’ offered you by well meaning others.

    This is one heck of a lonely walk no matter how may comforters come alongside you.

    But as you are drawn nearer to the Lord and seek His counsel …be assured He has seen this coming ,,,knows the way he is going to work both IN you and for you and the best for all concerned.

    His Word tells us that though we walk through the ‘valley of the shadow of death’ ..which is THIS world …..HE is ever making the Way …The WAY IS Jesus Christ …and along with everything else He has recorded as the truth of all we deal with ….in that Psalm 23 …He tells us that he has ‘prepared a table in the presence of our enemies’ ….along with all of the other truths that assure us of His preparations to deal with all we are going through HE is our peace…not the peace that the world offers us ….compromises with what is right but HE is OUR peace and that is WITH GOD.

    The world and all of it’s aspects may try to take your peace and may come all around you but GOD has removed you to His side through His Son and none can take you out of His hand.,

    Keep these things in mind whenever you are being mentally moved away from the truths that are SURE and Eternal….God does not change …and Jesus Christ is the same, yesterday and forever.

    Your request for prayer is heard….but more …YOUR prayers are HEARD as you go to HIM and do what HE has requested….

    “Trust in the Lord with ALL your heart …and lean NOT unto your own understanding , in ALL your ways ACKNOWLEDGE HIM and HE WILL direct your path”

    This is not just a cliche offering …I have been dealing with my own struggles through these past seven plus years …as my posts will indicate ….but when we are confused as to what to do with all these external issues ….it may be that we need to just DO what we have right in front of us ..despite the many ways others are bringing pressure to bare upon us to act .

    What is immediate ? For me is was go to access the Word of God and ask Him to help me with my emotions in the face of what was so overwhelming and shocking . I also wanted to know how I should deal with it .

    I did not want to REact to the situation but to wait upon the Lord and in the meantime I asked Him to help me draw from the things I knew of His WOrd but also to seek further what I might learn .

    I did not feel I could trust anyone else ….What natural man or carnal minded person could counsel me properly ?

    It is the Spirit which makes alive, the flesh profits NOTHING , my words are spirit and they are life …..this is the testimony of Jesus Christ …

    If this leaves you a bit disappointed in that I have not given you WHAT to do I am sorry…I know that in the state you are in it would be so great to have someone TELL you what to do ….I did find that the protocol of the proper priorities found in the scriptures for JURISDICTION clarified for me what anyone who cared about God’s order of things was would be useful to make decisions about who is responsible for what

    In my household’s case …my husband chose to go with his ‘gut’ and with the Humanist point of view rather than the order that God gave us for the husband and father’s responsibilities ….In short he rejected the jurisdiction of his marriage and family and placed everyone else’s concern’s before those which he vowed to keep in our marriage covenant.

    This is what many have been led to do since they do not heed the way GOD set up ORDER for the care and protection of all.

    In today’s world everyone is made to feel responsible for everyone else and to come along and clean up the consequencees of other’s poor and sinful choices and actions.

    The Word is clear that this is the result of ‘every man being right in his own eyes’ and ‘putting evil for good and good for evil ‘ in how life is to be lived.

    Gnosticism has also been at work since weaving it’s foul doctrines into the minds of fallen man and so there is a LOT of taking from and adding to the Word in the understanding of people . It actually turns all that God has said upside down and backwards.

    For more understanding of this poisonous doctrine read the Word and take note of what it says will be the condition of the way the world declines away from truth .

    But I am getting too long here …and it has taken me some length of study time to come to see what the condition of my husband’s heart has had to become over time as he turned from the Lord , fellowship among believers who honored truth, marriage and what Jesus taught as what Love is ….His sinful choices opened his heart to things which worked in his thinking to follow his feelings and desires and justified them …just as we see Roman’s reveals of the hearts of men turned from GOD to serve their flesh ….it opens them up for more and more deceit.

    The only deliverance that I know of is to turn to the Lord and ask for Him to forgive and to set the heart aright …to avail oneself to the ‘washing of the water of the Word’ by way of doing what we did at first …returning to our first love , Jesus Christ the righteous who will teach and guide us into all truth.

    I know your heart is broken and you are presently in a state where you just want answers …what to do …I believe you will find those …we tend to become passive in the face of emotional upheaval …I will pray that your heart will find the strength to open to the text and context of scripture ….and to be protected from acting upon the depth of pain you have experienced now ….

    One thing difficult for us sometimes is to know that GOD knew about all of the choices possible we might make and He does not MAKE us choose but does have the solution in His Son and through His Word as we learn what He has given us to know and then even as we may not be fully able HE will take up our cause.

    I pray your heart will find rest as you do all that He directs us to do …in many of our times all we CAN do is to do what we are ABLE …we CAN read…and for me that meant reading scripture ALOUD to override the various thoughts so painfully burned into my brain from the ‘images ‘ that the discovery brought to mind …triggers some call them.,

    The mind is a powerful thing in either thinking what the world , the flesh and the devil devise OR as GOD intended for us to ‘think what is true’ and it is by our deliberate putting on HIS WOrd in our minds and our leaning upon Jesus Christ that we may overcome within while HE has overcome all without ..

    This is not to be as some say the ‘contemplative ‘ emptying of the mind but a deliberate thinking over the Word that GOD has recorded ..to ‘renew’ by way of putting on the WOrd of GOD which is our armour for all eventualities in the ‘foreign land ‘ through which we navigate our way IN Him who is THE Way ..the TRUTH and the LIFE .

    May your soul rest in HIM for He will never leave you nor forsake you and ultimately we live in Him ongoing in eternity …”.For it is written’

    2Co 10:5 Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ;

    Jhn 16:33 These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.

    What are the “THESE THINGS” which are said to bring peace here in John…I suggest you begin with seeking these things….

    Hugs for your journey , little one.

  16. What if it were the other way around?? How would the husband feel if his wife did this. I am sure that there would not be forgiveness and I have witnessed how the church do not require the man to forgive when it is the woman who made the mistake. Then, I here women say that their man is in a dark place because of the child not being in HIS life. Believe me, the man is in a dark place because that other woman is not around and he has not found that another OW yet. Women, please stop swallowing pride because you better believe that your man nor your pastor will not ever swallow their pride.

  17. Thank you for your comments . I think it is true and supported in scripture that PRIDE hinders anyone from going forward in ability to confess sin and seek the enablement from the Lord to repent.

    In many churches today we find that even those who claim Jesus as Lord are not submitting to the whole counsel of scripture . Many in leadership are more concerned with offending people rather than offending God by neglect of teaching scriptural truth for doctrine. Pleasing people becomes the focus and everyone suffers both infidels and seekers alike who may not have studying the Bible as a ‘Berean’ is to be our example.

    In this case we see there is a huge gap in proper dealing and governing in and outside the body that is seen as the church. There are more and more congregations where there is a vague difference between the holy and the profane.

    Without the Light of the Truth of Jesus Christ and His whole testimony of scripture both OT and NT the darkness has continued to grow and work destruction.

    No wonder Romans one speaks so well of the responsibility of all to seek and then to take to heart the truth which both creation and conscience demands and testifies to all.

    The heart hardened by increasing lawlessness [iniquity] undeterred by faint disapproval of a growing number of generations trained by the social engineers dream …Secular humanist government cirriculum which as ‘ruled’ the land since the one room schoolhouse was engulfed more and more by federal ‘standards’, usurping the god given command to fathers to train up their children …when they rise up, when they sit at a table , as they walk along the way , when they lie down …in other words ALL the time bringing the word of GOd to bare upon their own lives and upon the way they give their children the gift of time and example , watchful character training .

    So now what we see as the culture declines is that those who are rising up to more and more places of governing are these …

    1Co 2:14 But the natural man receiveth not the things of the Spirit of God: for they are foolishness unto him: neither can he know them, because they are spiritually discerned.

    Jer 5:31 The prophets prophesy falsely, and the priests bear rule by their means; and my people love to have it so: and what will ye do in the end thereof?

    Mat 24:12 And because iniquity shall abound, the love of many shall wax cold.

  18. Dear Kristen and “Struggle”

    Wow this became really long …I apologize …once I start to write it ‘flows’ until it seems to be concluded in hopefully making the intended points…anyway …here you go …..

    The humanistic religion of our day and time has usurped the truth of Godly justice and right, leveraging instead the heart of compassion of human beings and bypassing the depth of the meaning and usefulness of moral law.

    Twisting and manipulating man’s perception and perspective by FEELINGS and emotions , appetites and desires more than submission to the common sense of God’ s moral laws and righteous instruction. It was recorded time and again in the Old Testament to demonstrate the destructiveness of these kinds of ‘optional’ living maps, but the navigation around faith was found by those professing to be wise and proclaiming the ‘results ‘ of their rational thought apart from godly wisdom .

    The arrogant drama has been useful so often we often fail to take note of it’s being the ‘plays the thing’ in contemporary stages as we have only been seeing parts and snips of the whole panorama as God’s word so well displays for those caring to take the time and submit to being taught from study of scripture with an honest and respectful approach.

    Through skillful and stealth workings in people who themselves have justified placing human reason about God’s revelation , rebellion which is as the sin of witchcraft has for several generations now taken the lead in human thinking and behavior. God help us as we see the seeds of sinful and willful rebellion against God in league with Satan coming to harvest.

    Right and wrong have been turned upon their heads and man is now moved to govern if he will govern at all by his emotional desires to be well thought of among the framers of social order rather than God’s laws set forth in order to protect and provide for godly life which is according to his Plan for man to be relational according to truth and no according to whims and social engineers long term plans for human beings a ‘resources ‘ for the grand scheme of things designed by the detest-er of our souls and the God who created man for his own purposes and glory and man’s good!

    It was somewhat easily done in a few generations to build a society of sand and wind rather than the bricks and stones of the faith that once was held high among all who desired and acknowledges that GOD is and that He is a rewarder of all DILIGENTLY seek HIM.

    Being no stranger to sin and deceit in my own life, victimized by my own reason I can attest that human reason is not useful to determine what is right on it’s own.

    This was a perfect and useful aspect of human design to solicit the ideas that have brought us all much suffering and damage.

    Such thoughts as ‘it is for the ‘greater good’ or ‘it’s worth the pleasure because the damage can be ‘managed’ or what it has been labeled ‘collateral damage ‘ and it has been not ignored but planned for and determined ‘manageable’’!

    Sinful desires always come with some proviso attached that “explains why it is ‘doable ‘ or “more important” presently, for some sort of benefit seen as not just desirable but necessary”!

    Man’s mind is not equipped other than his childhood character training or his own pursuit of wisdom that comes from GOD with an intention to follow after what He finds.

    Many search for GOD in all the wrong places as the old song goes regarding love. If one is persistent and urgently desires to KNOW GOD then the search may continue through the myriad of the maze known as ‘philosophy, psychology and various flavors of religion we have a plenteous array we have set before us or should I say between us and the God who Created us for His glory and our good.

    Our ‘best life now ‘ does not consist of that which we see , taste , hear, touch and smell and possess , but it is defined more by what is not seen, God who is spirit, character which guides us in the way which we should go and true love which does not do damage to others.

    Love that GOD is talking about in the Bible is actually summarized and defined for us by way of the Ten Commandments. Jesus came and fulfilled all His Father’s will and along with that God’s will is recorded that we might also walk in it.

    The attack upon God’s character and His revelation to His beloved creation , man has been active since Eve first considered whether God was withholding something good from her and she needed to take some kind of action based upon HER FEELINGS>

    AWK! There is it …if we read it carefully we notice EVER so called ‘justification ‘ is found in the record of how she considered the Serpents query and what followed in all that she began to think and view about what GOD had said .

    I notice God gave them fair warning along with the set boundary for man to know in advance the consequences of his choice. His being ABLE to choose his loyalty was one of the attributes that God invested in the man according to His own image!

    In truth man was ALREADY LIKE God…so the Serpent’s lie only found a ‘niche’ to leverage further when Eve began to think God was not all that generous and good and that through taking things into her own ‘hands’ she was better off .

    Jesus freed us not from moral law but from the law of sin and death that is sown into our flesh.

    We may not CHOOSE to deflect temptations and reverse the slide down the dogma that is so prevalent in today’s ‘free’ society .

    How doe this have to do with the dilemma we who suffer the reality of a husband who cheated and has children in addition to dealing with the injury of adultery? Well read on if you are patient I will attempt to explain a bit more.

    For women who have no father or husband to protect and care for them they may not also have any way to do so well themselves. Many young ladies who were given ‘everything’ but their father’s time and attention have grown up expecting the ‘crown ‘ without the ‘coronation’ . That is they feel entitled to all that their parents GAVE them , just because they existed and the parents either did not KNOW what the purpose of parenting was or how to do it OR they did not want to spend the time and energy but decided to give that job over to nannies or schools ,who were ‘experts’

    This whole idea played upon the self of people. The more able to provide the less there was felt the need or even the benefit of the ‘do it yourself’ parenting that GOD commanded , ordained and would have provided for a father first and a mom second.

    Mom’s still feel the pull of motherhood despite the opposing push of the society that wants to benefit from the second income which originally was the intentional campaigned that those who benefit from increased INCOME TAX felt obliged to bring to bare on the stay at home mom …or as it was known in the past …the wife and mother who was also a homemaker.

    God forbid that homes were made more secure and children raised with a character that conformed to moral law and trained in courtesies that would convey value to all others!

    The ultimate ‘benefit’ to society would be ‘children who would become a population of people ‘easily led’ for the use of the ultimate world of tomorrow. No matter the wreckage along the way as people were never intended by God to be used and molded by any power other than His own benevolent care for our own developing gifts He invested in each individual.

    Children in many young women’s minds have become their ‘ticket’ to a life of free ‘income ‘ either through the courts who level huge ‘penalties’ upon men for their ‘fun’ . The conscience does not dictate what the courts will handle apparently . God has called for human governments and laws where man refuses to submit to His Lordship.

    Man who was supposed to submit to being trained by adhering to God’s laws and wisdom is now under increasing efforts of man to control man.

    Just laws will keep boundaries in tact and protect what God has ordained, but the age of ‘reason’ and various other powers that have come into play more and more in the later century have brought about manipulative and lucrative laws that are mostly seen in the past in governments of man

    Not unlike Egypt under Pharaohs hand …the citizenry considered “slaves” to those who have risen in a ‘demon-cratic’ society [rather than a REPUBLIC which our own was to be fashioned ] corrupted beyond most people’s imagination or willingness to face the truth.

    Man apart from GOD can do nothing but react to this emotions and appetites and other people’s influences and ALL being influenced by the god of this world who hates GOD and wants to hurt the most precious to GOD ..His children!

    The humanistic , social dynamic works to create dependency upon the laws of man rather than encourage strength of character reliant and obedient to the laws of GOD

    God defines love as this “ THE LAW IS LOVE”

    Satanist confessed that Satan’s definition of ‘love’ is the opposite “ Love is the LAW” in which ‘love ‘ is actually human emotion apart from self governing by moral law.

    Law is very much a part of our human understanding as the basis for all sensible and survivable living. Moral law keeps boundaries within which we may live that dream of ‘pursuit of life , liberty and the pursuit of happiness’

    The original thought was not ‘pursuit of happiness’ which as a ‘law’ has brought for any number of disasters as people believe they have a “RIGHT” to whatever makes them happy at the moment regardless of consequences to self , spouse , children and society.

    This tweak of the original thought of the framers of the Bill of rights was very useful to the destruction we now see all around us and even up close and personal.

    The original was ‘Pursuit of life , liberty and the possession of property’ since the view at the time was that if you had a right to property ownership you COULD pursue and sustain life and liberty from tyranny!

    The only place ‘happiness’ is found in the scriptures is ‘Happy is the man whose God is the LORD”

    Humph…different than many like to chant “Doesn’t GOD want me to be happy/” as their excuse to permit themselves to pursue some sinful choice!

    Now I know child support seems like it is not just a necessity but it is the worthy privilege to fathers and the right cost to those who impregnate indiscriminately , in iniquity or law less ness which is what breaking God’s laws is called.

    To live IN and BY “Iniquity ‘ is to live without any regard for the LAW of GOD . In society when a person breaks the laws of man , he risks getting caught or apprehended and then goes through a trial and conviction as ‘payment’ for his crime.

    In adultery there is presently NO pursuit or apprehension of the perp ..except in the case of child services and a court ordered support determined by the state. All moral crime of it is only determined by a court of law IF there is a demand for a divorce by the betrayed and even then the betrayed is the most likely to suffer the loss of all things that were vowed at the time the MAN asked the LORD before WITNESSES for the right and privilege to take on the full care of the woman GOD bought with a PRICE of His only begotten Son’s blood.

    From birth the child of a marriage is under the FATHER’S care and provision . In marriage there is even a provision for children born where only one parent is a believer ‘else were your children ‘unclean’. This does not indicate that the children are ‘saved ‘ because of the believer but that they are protected by the legitimization of the child within the covenant of MARRIAGE.

    Now it is harsh to regard the way in which the justice of GOD was carried out in the Old Testament until we recognize that indeed the cause for such ‘harsh’ and ‘swiftly ‘ carried out conviction was not done ‘out of order’ .

    All convictions of any violation of God’s laws and man’s accordingly set up by God’s model where only found if there were TWO or THREE witnesses . Eye witnesses preferably . when we see the religious leaders of Jesus time trying to ‘catch him’ by bringing the ‘woman caught in adultery ,in the very act’ they hoped to ‘catch him’ in a legality .

    In other words we see Jesus call for witnesses, since none came forward based upon the law then she was not convicted nor punished . There was no required cause to convict her of adultery.

    It was not just a ‘compassionate ‘ Jesus we see in this but one who was upholding the will of His Father in all areas . The religious leaders were “foiled’ again.

    The sins we do or permit here in this lifespan may not be dealt with here justly but we will stand before a JUST JUDGE and as Jesus told us it is HIS WORDS which will condemn or justify us .

    He IS the WORD which took upon Himself the just conviction of those who sin but take Him as their substitution for what we justly deserve . Even if we lived as ‘to the mark’ as the Scribes and Pharisees of the time of Jesus ..those who were really strict and even quite ‘successful’ in keeping of the law ..their efforts COULD NOT erase the genetic condition which Adam brought upon all mankind , born of Adam …in need to be born again of INCORRUPTIBLE SEED ..the WORD of GOD who is Jesus Christ.

    What does this have to do with your and my situation .

    It is so hard , especially for Christians to take to heart the way the Lord’s Old Testament treatment demonstrates His view of allowing people to sin and ‘get away ‘ with it .

    First of all the convicted adulterers were put to DEATH to demonstrate that idolatry which adultery demonstrates , putting obeying the flesh before obeying GOD . Left undealt with in a very pronounced way left people to think it was not so bad after all. Aside from shame people began to think it was nothing all that bad and it felt good so why not indulge!~

    In other words death was to keep it from spreading like a ‘plague’ which is just what GOD regarded it as . The testimonies of whole societies whose destruction resulted from this ‘small ‘ offense are many. Sodom, Gomorrah, Babylon, Corinth, etc ..need I say more?

    Godlessness RUINS good EVERYTHING . It leaves Nothing untouched by it’s corrupting and deadly influence , within the conscience and without the whole of society.

    Children born out of wedlock IN TRUTH actually are the responsibility of the WOMAN and ultimately he who is to be responsible for her UNTIL MARRIAGE is HER FATHER.

    So then the FATHER of the woman is the one who is to take full responsibility for the actions of his daughter .

    Yes THAT is a really different view than in today’s world

    Part of the encouragement for men to think they CAN have sex without any restraint …and in some minds they think they MUST is that it works to destroy the family .

    In all of the beneficial ways family was to strengthen the society …sexual sin destroys it .

    Lets take a look at the immediate victims . The Lord who is the lord of the faithful wife and the testimony of her life and marriage to those who believe that her testimony is truth.

    Those who view the husband’s behavior and know what he is up to hear the testimony of the wife and tend to mock and snicker about her naivety .

    It undermines others determination to remain faithful who may not know God and all that marriage is indeed good for in terms of the way challenges are useful to grow mature and develop a man’s character.

    Through having children the woman who does not value herself and fears or detest working to support herself take her pleasure among any man willing who appears to have the ability to support her and all she has to do is trade easy sexual pleasure access.

    Her desire and need may NOT be sex or even affection but a perspective of ‘survival ‘ and her upbringing amidst the material goods may have caused her to see herself too good for the men that MAY want to marry her . They may not ‘qualify ‘ in many of the areas a man who has those defined attributes in her mind as a suitable lover , so she holds out and uses her charms and sexual attractiveness to gain income …not in anything as ‘crass ‘ as prostitution as she defines it but in being a man’s ‘confidant’ and lover.

    If she tires of this ‘routine’ that begins to develop to be more and more like the ‘wife’ she will make the next ‘move’ to get children by whom she may get more money or if she is left to go to court , the system will come to the ‘rescue’ with welfare but not before taking the finances of the family as a just ‘recompense’ by man’s opinion through laws of social justice for the man AND his wife and children to pay indefinitely ‘through the nose ‘ to the OW and any children she may be able to PROVE are his.

    Now this is not intended to say that the betrayed wife and even the cheating husband do not and should not care about the children . I am just bringing to the table the way man turning from GOD and men who desire to undermine the godly context of sex and childbearing have worked things to bring about more and more chaos .

    The people who PAY are those who did not do the crime!

    The child born of adultery is , as I said , in terms of the order of father’s responsibility falls upon the father of the adulterous woman.

    Yet we see the heart of a father for his illegitimate off spring often times more TIED to the child of adultery while his ‘care ‘ for his children of the marriage goes unaddressed and basically disregarded .

    This may not be the case for everyone but in my view and through study of the scriptures and many and varied testimonies of people dealing with this , the sympathy and effort is more and more toward what is NOT according to the way GOD speaks upon the subject and more and more toward continued destruction of law and order and it’s intended purpose for God’s glory and man’s good.

    The emotional ‘hook’ is in the woman betrayed since SHE is the faithful caretaker of her own children. She may even be somewhat sympathetic toward the other woman ….and of course concern for the welfare of the child. YET the concern for those who are NOT a part of this detestable crime are still and should be the first concern to be addressed.

    I believe you mentioned that what of the children of the marriage. The husband who remarried and had a young child had to relinquish his own children born of this detestable woman because of their not having been trained up to be civilized . It is no wonder they may have been rather disciplined ‘challenged’ with the whole mess that they came out of .

    The divorce from the first wife who was so detached or damaged or perhaps wickedly intent was not helpful to the raising of children with a sense of moral rightness.

    Whatever their difficulties they had to suffer being sent back to the mother who was viewed more as the culprit which indeed her own actions and abandonment of moral training of her children did advance their behavior.

    The man put himself in the situation of having a NEW wife and a new baby while then wanting to protect his children from his first marriage from the woman HE violated. He left her ..I do not know the reason he left her but the vow of marriage is for LIFE and he was ordained to DEAL with the marriage he had …if only for the sake of the children, May I say that IF his wife was unruly or committed adultery it was up to him to examine himself to see if he had done all that GOD instructs a man to do as HEAD UNDER the HEADSHIP of JESUS Christ.

    Apart from that it is a REALLY tough row to hoe in life with not submitting to the wisdom marriage needs to function in.

    Even as the hurt spouse I want to say I view women with a sour look and a down cast appearance and even a hardened look differently and wonder what happened to them to cause them to be thus.

    It is given to MAN to care for , protect, and provide for women and children and when a husband HIS WIFE FIRST before anyone else. ANYONE ELSE including thechildren of the marriage covenant.

    Now in our gender neutralizing society this is a lost piece of information and knowledge.

    It works against the man’s pride and independence to think he is responsible for his wife …in any way except money! So things get twisted and messed up. Neglect of all the ways God says to love his wife and it IS the MAN who has many more instructions in dealing with life and his wife and family than the woman BECAUSE GOD knows HE NEEDS them

    The various prohibitions are not just ‘don’t do it ‘ but it is BECAUSE it protects the man AND his family and results in a strong nation!

    If you have a moment and can go watch “MONUMENTAL “ there is a really amazing statue called ‘Justice’ that is discussed by Kurt Cameron with the guide . It is a statue meant to remind our country of what we are founded on . Quite detailed and invested with symbolism of what we were founded upon lest we forget.

    It is true …”.If a nation ceases to be good it will ceaste to be Great.” This is true for human beings too …but not the way the humanist society defines ‘goodness’ …it is defined by GOD and first of all in line is to ‘fear GOD ‘ and ‘do what HE has commanded’ …in medicine I believe they nailed it by saying ‘FIRST DO NO HARM”

    In the situations we are in we are prone to do what we feel we must or what is good or even what is “best for the child’ but the basis for making that call is generally not God’s word and His ways but the various emotions and idea of our carnal minds and that of society apart from GOD.

    “Following your heart’ leads to trouble because it is not understood that God has told us that the heart of man is deceitful and desperately wicked. Natural man does not know this ..but the WORD when taken to heart will expose all that we have thought was ‘good’ and ‘useful ‘ compared to what GOD is and defines and we find it is a ‘beam ‘ that we did not see as such directing our ways into further deceptions laid across our path.

    How to deal with all of this ? I pray , since my husband is still caught up in his emotional attachment to the degree that he has no sight to see what he his ‘good works’ are doing to me and our children , though they are adults now.

    People think that ‘everyone will adjust’ but for those who desire to live godly , ‘adjusting ‘ to what is sinful is not an option. Becoming conformed by compromise to go along and get along does not do anyone good in the long run.

    In truth , my husband being a ‘father’ to those kids is really NOTHING like what is called for in a parent and in a father in particular. He does not want to hear or read what it really involves because he actually does know but does not want to do what is right.

    He is a man of convenience to HIMSELF and as such the devil and the society of those who serve him leverage his decisions away from what is truly right and good. Those children are being raised to look upon the lifestyle of their mother and the choices of their father ,my husband as nothing they need to avoid . If anything they have learned that there is nothing wrong with defending sinful behavior and the schools they attend further encourage and embolden the right to sin in our world .

    They cannot miss what they have never had but perhaps the way that is better put is that they cannot identify the ‘lack’ within their lives because they have never been given what is the truth about anything.

    I am not given the option to engage with them and for the sake of my own children I will not take from them the last aspect of their godly upbringing to do other than pray and pray for the Lord to bring someone they WILL be able to receive His love from into their path someday . Thus far they have learned to hate Christianity as their mother has ‘preached’ most ardently and their father has feared to speak of since their mother ‘prohibited him’ from bringing anything Biblical up to them.

    Once several years ago he did give his daughter who was about ten at that time a chapter of Proverbs to read and he said he would read it and they would discuss it together. When their mother found out she blew her top and told him not to give anything Bible to the kids. They were no longer engaged in adultery but he ‘respected’ her wishes.

    This is a wimp out from what a man and a father is to be and do . She in truth ‘castrated’ my husband in so many ways …but he seems to want to punish me as he is humiliated by the way he ‘obeys her’ …He also was again humiliated by her when she signed up a stranger to be a companion to her son who my husband was spending three to four days a week doing things with him..

    I went to see what Big Brothers has been dealing with and sure enough, according to the ‘agenda’ to infiltrate gender specific venues , especially where children are found …there were cases dealing with pedophilia in this organization.

    This was not about her son ‘s lack it was a slap in the face of my husband’s right as a father to train and protect his children.

    She no doubt thought this a ‘good ‘ idea but it put her son in danger …and it denied his father the place that was his desire to be in the children’s lives while staying married.

    I continue to stay in the Word and do what I can learn to do as I am endeavoring to follow the Lord no matter what the opposition may be doing in our society.

    Laws against the laws of GOD are growing daily.

    It is part of actual prophesy but those who follow the Lord will be kept and safe despite the enemy of our souls intentions .

    I hope you will find that the Lord will make a way for your to come to a godly and worthy conclusion in your most difficult situation.

    Hugs for your trial.

  19. So thankful that I found this website. ocotober 2012 my husband had an affair with a woman in another state (he was working out of town for 6 months) the way i found out about the affair and the baby was devastating. He came back home assuming to move on with his life..she knew he was happily married. He was well aware he had made a horrible mistake and immediatelly I could tell that something was heavy on his mind. on thanksgiving day she sent me a video that she had taken of her and my husband having sex (he did not know it was being recorded) and also sent me a picture of her sonogram and told me she was pregnant with his child. We have been married 19 years have 3 children of our own 17,15,11. This woman has 2 other children by 2 different fathers. This seems to be a game with her. Neither of their dads have anything to do with them. This womn is crazy, destructive, she harrased me to the point that i have changed all of my contact information trying to get her to leave me alone. Im not posting this to discuss my husbands mistake. He knows that he made one, and we work hard everyday to rebuild our life together. We love each other beyond reason I believe. I knew when I married him that there wasnt anything we couldnt overcome. I have and will continue to stand by his side in doing what is best for our children. Ou 3 boys do not know about the affair or the baby. Although she has tried several times to contact them and send them pictures of her (the baby is a girl) and i have been quick enough to delete the mesages before they saw them…Here is my problem/question and Im desperately seeking advice. My children have a happy, loving home. They know that everyone makes mistakes and that we love each other unconditionally under this roof, but HOW WILL THEY EVER FORGIVE THEIR FATHER FOR DOING THIS? How will they understand? Is it fair to destroy their lives over something that they never asked for? I realize that that precious little girl didnt ask for this either. My heart break for her. My husband just recieved paternity test papers in the mail. Never has it crossed his mind to not support this child financialy, but how is he supposed to be a part of this little girls life under these circumstances? This woman is destructive, she takes pills all of the time, doesnt have a job, lives with her parents ( although they kick her out or have her arrested all of the time) . my point is this~ my children couldnt ask for a better father, and this little girl deserves to have him in her life. I wish the mother would just let us have custody of her. we could give her such a wonderful life, and i would loveher like my own, but shewont. she told me that all she needs is his money, and that her child would never leave the state she lives in and it didnt matter what any court or judge says…i worry about bringing such a crazy woman into the lives of my children. I makes me sick to think that they would even know who she is. Much less the drama that she will bring to their lives.Its my job as their mother to protect them from things like this? Loving this baby was never out of the question. I would love it like my own. As crazy as this sounds ( and please dont ridicule and say mean things to me) My heart breaks for my husband sometimes when I know he is struggling with what to do. Or when she sends me pictures out of the blue of the baby? (my husbandf has no communication with her) He made a mistake, but is it right to ruin my boys lives? Ihonestly dont see how any good will come from having anything to do with the baby. Other than~she will always know we are here. Always have a place to call/ go when her mom acts crazy…Not to mention. what kind of life with this little girl have? flying back and forth from our “stable, happy, home” to all the drama that her mother will bring to her life? It sounds stupid to say but, I know we will never get full custody of her. Is it better for everyone if she doenst even know we exist?? Until she is old enough to ask. At this point I feel like whatever I told my husband to do in this situation he would do. “he made his bed” type attitude and his heart would break never knowing his daughter, but he would walk away if thats what me and his boys needed from him. So i try really hard not to push my opinions on him. Please help..I feel like things may be spinning out of control..

  20. Traci,

    My heart breaks for you. It is astonishing the way some of these OW take a step even beyond the “usual’ if it can be put that way ….God help our world when anything like this becomes ‘usual’.

    It appears that she is not just unhinged but in a state of complete lacking in any kind of character upbringing to know what it means to love. This is a sad legacy of not just her parenting but the society which has been hard at work to destroy all that God has put in place and order for mankind to enjoy .

    The continued choices to disregard any moral compass seems to have left her with what Roman’s chapter one refers to as a ‘reprobate mind’ which is a mind devoid of good judgment.

    I find it very disturbing to note that more and more women are willing to do deliberately such destructive things to children they say they ‘love ‘ and ‘want’ and willing to do anything to get them, but it appears that they have found a way to the money cow they cannot attain any other way.

    When I was in college my mother was promoted to work in the D.A.’s office as an investigator for the Paternity Unit. Her job really opened her eyes to the kinds of situations you describe , women who intentionally get pregnant in order to get money …from the state or from the ‘john’ …and sometimes they commit welfare fraud and collect both….for a time.

    The fact that this woman’s parents have no ability to deal with her indicates that they too have no real grasp on the kind of things God provided for parents to learn so that they can raise up children with a conscience that is trained to be sensitive to things that will lead them away into the traps of this world .

    I am not intending to ‘preach’ here but I set about seven plus years ago to find out WHAT has brought abut such a mess in the several generations we have observed has gone down so fast….or so it seems in comparison to the various centuries before where vast sinful civilizations did not have the access to such wholesale mind influences that we have had since a little over one hundred years.

    I recommend that when you have the time and interest to take a look at some of the materials that incude much of what I have found elsewhere over the past several years but are concurred on the site I wil share with you here.


    I asked my two adult daughters if they cared to comment upon your situation….No answer as yet …It is a lot of responsibility to counsel anyone in your situation.

    I know that in the Old Testament the culture was ordered according to moral law even before it was written in the ten commandments. The families taught and trained their children, to learn the moral law and live accordingly. If a woman was not kept from violation her father was held responsible and the violation meant severe judicial action . It was so to protect others who were weak in the fact of the tempations to act upon lust and other fleshly desires apart from the safety of self governing to protect the marriage and the family. It was to keep others from being influenced to take sin lightly …not because God was the supreme ‘kill joy’ but because sin hurts , harms, destroys and eventually not only KILLS but it can take one into eternity without the Savior who has taken the judicial sentencing that a Just God must exact upon sin.

    Being born into the world that is at present subjected to the ‘god of this world ‘ who is NOT restrained from using man’s ignorance of his condition ‘under condemnation’ due to Adam’s disobedience’ …and once a person acts with knowledge against the moral law he is then OPEN to more intrusions by the enemy of his soul. The devil hates the God of Creation so much the best way for the enemy to ‘get to Him’ is to take God’s creation , man , captive by way of luring him to sin and then to continue to ‘keep’ him with guilt and self condemnation….and if it is not dealt with by that person coming to know Jesus Christ as His Savior then that person is going to continue on in darkness . Without Christ there is no escape from deception ..without knowledge of the Truth of the Word of GOD there is little equipping to identify deceptions which are the hallmark of this age.

    The point I hope to make here is that the woman is ‘taken captive ‘ mentally by thoughts and influences of this world which she has not resisted nor perhaps known how to resist , nor cares to resist. She has lived her life by whatever she is able to do to get whatever she may believe she can. There are also influences and ideologies that believe in destroying the status quo as they see it , believing it is ‘good ‘ for the progress of what they believe is going to be a better ‘age’ , one that is ‘held back’ by those who are living according to moral law and order. Biblical Christianity is ‘enemy number one’ to those who are deluded into thinking they are part of the cutting edge of ‘evolution’ …it will eventually lead to complete destruction of the order which we have known and lived in , even if not completely …for any of those who have endeavored to base their lives according to the way the God of the Bible has put forth for any and all willing to receive it .

    In the Old Testament record it was the FATHER who was responsible to train and teach his family. He was responsible to protect and provide for his daughters UNTIL such time as they married . IF he died before they married or they did not marry it was up to the kin to do so.

    Adultery was not tolerated and in some of the records of cities where sexual sin abounded it was reproved and if it was not eradicated by confession and turning from it’s practice …it was dealt with severely.

    In our culture it is not dealt with and not even condemned for the most part but encouraged and applauded by the social engineers with their aim to deconstruct . People adrift from fragmented families end up in the palm of the hand of those who wish to control and redirect society.

    I am thankful that your husband has repented and turned to deal with the devastation that his choices have caused you both. I don’t know what he is doing to make the kinds of changes to deal with the consequences of his actions but even when there is forgiveness and working through marital issues …which marriage has whether sexual sin has occurred or not …there is still a lot of necessity for you both to hold a united front and effort for the sake of your marriage and family.

    I don’t know if you are followers of Christ but that is one necessity to make a solid unity IN HIM and through continued shared time in learning what the Lord will teach you as you read together and offer up your scars to HIM who is most able to work with you .

    I read that this woman has attempted to contact your children. It sounds like you have little ability to keep this a secret from your sons . Sadly this is now part of the reality of your household . It is shattering I know . My husband did not want to tell our children. We had been a family that I had believed was solid on the things of God and how we were to function but my husband did not want to learn what he was vulnerable in as all men are nor to learn how to really love and enjoy his wife. He rejected wisdom about where to go , who to choose to make close friends and simply refused to allow that any restrictions should be upon his life choices. He rejected any kind of close relationship with people who cared about such things as God , the Bible and family and all that this gift was FOR HIM!

    In any case he did not want to tell our children but I felt that for HIM to be able to gain some sense of respect from his children even in the light of this terrible revelation HE had to be the one to tell them .

    At that time my children were older than yours and as I said they had been home schooled and had their own relationship with the LORD and knowledge of the Bible . We were not part of any church at the time so our faith was built by less exposure to a single church , this was something we tried to do over the years but our many moves made this difficult and just after yet another move to a new city …is when I discovered the Adultery of 14 years and two children …So this was a bit different than your situation as my husband already had a relationship with those children …at D DAY they were 3 and 7.

    Our children made me proud but it was heart breaking …we had to actually wait for my son to come home from college to tell them all face to face. My two daughters sensed something wrong but I did my best to keep the discovery until my son could come home. My kids had such a close relationship with me that it was apparent that SOMETHING was going on and I did not want them to think I had a terminal disease or something.

    My husband told them reluctantly while I sat by …it was the worst and most difficult thing for him to do ..and it was unbelievably painful for our children …my son, then age twenty …broke down an sobbed…my daughters were quiet..ages 16 and 22 …I was proud of them then and now …their relationship with the Lord held them steady while I don’t doubt that the revelation from their father was something so hard to describe in the ongoing dealing we have had to have .

    He worked weakly at dealing with the destruction between us …one thing I know is that many therapist deal with adultery as if it were marriage counselling which is not what is needed at the time …maybe later when the adulterer has been addressed directly about what he needs to learn and what the betrayed spouse needs from him .

    My husband did answer questions but he was not willing to learn what is the way that the damages in my own heart and the hearts of his children really needed his first attention.

    After two years of what I thought was him working to deal with it …he confessed he had reconnected with the children …something I had asked him if he needed to do that ..and he had denied it …but this new confession was not a good thing…he had lied AGAIN ….and stolen MORE of our financial AGAIN …more than the most generous amount we had both come to agree upon …and though he had not wanted to put us in jeopardy and he did not want a relationship to go on with the OW ..the deception and the manipulation of the OW [and the spirits working in her and through her] upon his mind …eventually led to him not being
    able’ to continue living in our home .

    This has been very difficult since he has turned what he did into even MORE devastation.

    Recently I attended a marriage celebration for my son and his new bride …this was for her parents since they could not travel for the wedding …my son broke down in front of the entire assemblage ….hundreds of people …in grief as he apologized to me for the way his father had treated me .! This was unexpected for me …I know that the deep wounds will require my son and his lovely new bride some awareness of how it may effect their own functioning in marriage but they are knowledgeable of this . It is terrible but in truth every marriage has elements people need to learn how to navigate.

    I did not know what kinds of deviance lay in my husband’s heart when we met and married . I thought we had hashed out a lot of them …but he was very intelligent, handsome , talented and had all of the things EVERY woman seeks in a prince charming. I knew there would be things to deal with in marriage . He changed when we married and was too highly educated to think he needed to learn anything . He was too able to get everyone to like him so he saw no reason to squelch any opportunities to continue to make friends and keep his life free as possible of any ‘hindrances’ to his career or fun.

    A person who thinks they do not need to reign in his flesh and to be aware of the ways temptation will challenge his life is going to be set up for a fall.

    The point I want to make with this lengthy address is that the reality your sons sadly must face in whatever timing you determine is best MAY work to help them grow in wisdom for their own future relationships , to value character that is godly and moral …and to seek out friends who honor and value loyalty , honesty and marriage.

    Until I began to try to learn how we got to this place in our society I did not recognize fully how the ‘norms’ we all grew up thinking were good and useful for love were skewed and full of holes…at least in my family of origin. We grew up in a time where ‘moralism ‘ and many false things were thought ‘good enough’ to live a good and moral life….that is only part of the necessity . Learning how my parents dynamic which relied solely upon their own fleshly ability and strength to serve the ‘needs’ and ‘wants’ for happiness rather than learning the truths that are foundational to the blending of two lives into ONE for a lifetime …led many of my parents generations to divorce….there are important landmark judicial changes that lead to more taking that route rather than keeping the vows their grandparents took to heart.

    The things I have learned since that awful day have served to help my children learn how important the things GOD tells us for our PROTECTION and GOOD are going to help them make better marriages and choices.

    My husband is still caught up in his solitary choices which I do not see helping those other children and only have enabled the OW to be more and more independent of her own choice to enter into such an arrangement with a married man who she knew would never leave his family nor marry her.

    The manipulation of people’s minds in a state of lust is much more powerful than they may realize or want to deal with before hand and certainly find it difficult the more they justify their actions ongoing.

    I thought at first that those children needed my husband to be in their lives …as this is the way Humanists have leveraged people ‘s consciences to believe. I suppose those kids are gaining something from his interactions but it is STILL on HIS schedule and HIS terms rather than what THEY really need in a father which is to example moral character as well as TRAIN them in it ..which requires a daily and constant effort …AND also they have not been told the honest truth about what he and their mother did ..only told that they ‘hurt a lot of people’ !

    So what they are actually learning is that marriage is way down on the priority of a man …that he can do whatever he wants , including abandon his marriage and family …and as long as he has money then he can do whatever he wants without concern for anyone who he is responsible for .

    While our children were small and he was leaving during our Saturday bible time ..to ‘play golf’ …he ‘taught’ our son that when a boy becomes a man that he does not have to be involved with his children and that the bible is for women and children.

    I don’t know if my son has left off reading the bible but I have not observed him initiating the kind of activity to grow more in the word …I pray that will change …but now he is married and prayer is the only thing that I can do .

    I pray for the Other children and did at one time make an effort to meet them but they were not ready and I honored that …the OW has known our family briefly and did see our home school room and I had explained our reasons for doing it …it was at a company party that she had attended ..only the second time meeting her.

    Her family approved of her relationship with my husband AND of them having two children together.

    This is evidence of how ‘nice’ people are vastly willing to trade morality for money.

    A dear pastor I had heard was willing to give me some counsel as his was a ministry to men to help men learn what it means to be a man in Biblical terms …His explanation which I later confirmed in my study gave me this .

    THE JURISDICTION of the husband is TO THE WIFE …only GOD being before her …not even the children of the marriage …but those children come next in his responsibility and jurisdiction of his priorities.

    Any woman who has a child outside of that marriage is then STILL in the jurisdiction of HER FATHER.

    Now it would seem this woman has been a serial adulteress . Her father does not seem to be of a mind to take responsibility and it is one of the effects of the welfare state that has neatly taken the part of father’s and god in the lives of these women ….rewarding their condition.

    In the Bible the widows and orphans were to be cared for by their immediate family and in the New Testament believers were to take up the care of those who had no other to do so.

    The effective shattering of our society has been as families break up and people are moving so frequently that only the state has been offering the kind of support for women who cast off any kind of moral laws or have been urged to do so over time through media and education which does not serve to encourage morality.

    The way the tangled web has been woven takes some time , energy and desire to get to the bottom of learning the way this destruction has been done …over time but surely and with intention to do so.

    In the mean time … you want my opinion …though it is hurtful indeed that your son’s are going to be effected by this …not telling them is not going to keep them from learning of it eventually especially if that woman is as agressive in her efforts as you seem to indicate.

    You have the ability from your relationship to help them learn what they might in what is useful and how to access the answers from seeking out the way the Word will guide you.

    In shock and sorrow it will take some time …triggers and answers are so important to clarify and confirm your love and your intentions to get through this with …and this is important ..prayer with each other …and over them…and time to seek the things you need to know to help you and them avoid this kind of things in the ongoing years . Learning what pitfalls there are that men especially face in the work place and how to avoid not only being lured by lust into relationships little by little but how to avoid violating women who are clueless and may have their day dreams that lead them on into their own lust.

    I know I have written a great big post and I hope I have not been too wordy …it is a big issue that you are facing.

    I cannot project what your husband’s own effort to have a relationship with the child would be …but I do know that you BOTH need to be prepared because it will mean some lengthy time with this woman who has apparently not intention to let up on her trying to leverage your husband and your bank account.

    It seems harsh to separate a child from the possibility of a ‘sane’ parent …but another aspect is what does the effort say to your sons ….it seems good and right …but I also have seen that in terms of my own husband who fears to step up and teach those kids the truth of what they did as ‘adultery’ and to speak to them of what was ‘wrong’ with what they did and how to protect themselves from going the same way ..he has in essence endorsed behavior that they are likely to repeat.

    The young girl is almost 15 now…the boy is troubled and ten going on eleven and they know he is married with a family but he demonstrates no loyalty to me or marriage and family . he enables their mother to leave them alone ..which she did effectively to leverage my husband’s guilt to get him back into taking on what SHE had told him was HER desire to be a ‘SINGLE MOM BY CHOICE” it was a ruse …and it was for money.

    There is no real distinction or profit to their character which was so needed at the youngest years when they witnessed my husband arriving and …being there then leaving …some time ago the young boy complained that he was the only boy whose dad did not live with them.

    My husband ‘comforted ‘ him by saying lots of kids dad’s don’t live with them! What this taught him was to ‘normalize’ the broken family …! This is in itself a violation of the children’s need to know how to live so that they do not replicate such choices.

    My husband DOES KNOW what is right but he is not willing to risk a relationship with the children to take his place as the true ‘father’ they need. I recognize this as ‘fair weather ‘ fathering….it is something to make HIM feel good but does little good for those children.

    Values set in childhood are so important …I don’t know what you must decide in your situation and I grieve that you are having to deal with it .

    I was so incredulous to learn of my husband’s secret life ..He had EverYTHING most men only dream of and I am not ‘bragging ‘ here …he did HAVE it ALL and still risked everyone’s safety and health to try to live like ‘James Bond’ or ‘Frank Sinatra’ .

    When a society glamorizes or normalizes sin …people who do not know the truth of what GOD has blessed us with are open for all kinds of deceit and it has come upon us ….may God help those who are in darkness and awaken them before it’s too late !

    Presently plenty of father’s live in their homes but are still AWOL….sadly

  21. BTW….sorry you would think after such a long post I would be done… I was just reading an article about fatherlessness. This does indeed have a great impact upon a child, but not all father’s are capable of the kind of humility it takes to learn how to be all of what a child needs from a father and mostly in the FOUNDATION of what he needs to learn.

    My husband had the ‘CLASSIC” LEAVE IT TO BEAVER family . His dad was funny, hard working and involved with his sons. His mom was a good mom and their family seemed almost too good to be true …on the surface….the ONE distinguishing thing missing was faith. It was the one aspect that both his mom and dad rejected with certainty. At one point his father demanded that I not speak about Jesus in his house and his mom said that she did not think anyone had any right to tell anyone what to believe about GOD.

    Now I was not heavy handed with speaking about my own faith and what I was learning as I was a student of the Word . When I met my husband I was actively in music ministry and sharing my faith.

    There was no mystery or surprise to him or his family as to what was the very source and substance of my life and my husband was keen on being active too.

    The missing ‘link’ in my husband’s character was not absence or even a distant father or fractured family or even extended family . What was lacking was having his character trained to be willing to be taught ..to be humble enough to learn , to listen and to apply wisdom.

    His success in academics and sports …led to higher and higher heights and along with his many achievements his pride too grew.

    In his family situation ethics in terms of lying seemed to be something that was accepted ….and this along with pride became the biggest stumbling block to his developing character. It also became the biggest enabler to his decisions that his ‘needs’ no matter what came first in our relationship and his intellect and abilities led to more and more selfish and secretive behavior.

    Life WILL offer many ‘options’ to how one chooses ….Without God’s Word in knowledge and application personally …there are many ‘potholes’ just waiting for any young person to dive into them.

    Entitlement is one character trait that makes the most of any and all opportunities that one may feel is advantageous and leads to all kinds of self deceit to gain what is really worthless at the price of one’s soul.

    The scriptures tell us that ‘what SEEMS right to a man ends in death…’ …it is too bad people live more by what seems right to them than what GOD TELLS US actually IS RIGHT.

    Having an attentive father in the home , involved with all kinds of interests was good but it did not deter my great husband from falling headlong into sin and then ‘staying ‘ there.

    We will be married soon for 34 years …and we are still ‘married’ but my husband MISSED pretty much all of what he was given to enjoy by participation …he threw it all away …and said he did not WANT to be the ‘head’ or the ‘leader’ …well a man was made with a God given influence upon his wife and children ….My husband squandered this …HE DID teach his son about the Lord and the Bible…He demonstrated as I said before , above…that when a boy becomes a man he no longer needs the Bible or God ….

    What a sad legacy for him to realize now …and he seems to still not care learning how to make a difference in even the lives of those other children.

    Being a man does not make him a man ….One other insult with all that my husband has sacrificed for the sake of being ‘in ‘ the other children’s lives ….the OW signed up her son for a ‘big brother’ ! This was so he would have someone to ‘mentor ‘ him!

    Not all Big Brother volunteers are healthy influences ! AND this was a true “slap in the face” to my husband as he spends at least three days a week doing something with those kids.

    Being a ‘father’ involves so much more than a few minutes a few times a week to play….but my husband , wonderful as he was ….did not want to have to do the things that did not appeal to himself ….sadly.

    1. I cant thank you enough for your reply. I have prayed about how to talk with someone about this. NO ONE knows this has happened but my husband and I. My boys have known that something was going on, we have always been very open and honest with them and out relationship…so when I tell them “I am fine, nothing we cant work out. Just have a lot on my mind” they take it to heart and I know they believe I would tell them if it were something they needed to know. Some people may criticize my husband and I for raising our children as “open and honest” as we have. We believe that this house is a safe house, no secrets, no judgements, and we tell the truth” for instance my husband had a drug addiction when my 17 year old and 15 year were toddlers. He is very open about it, we talk about it, they have asked him questions..he holds nothing back and i do believe they have more respect for their dad because he “made the right choice” and quit living that kind of life FOR HIS FAMILY! He doesnt try and hide his mistakes, not even from our friends, people in our church, and community. I guess you can say “he owns them and takes full responsibilty” for them. He always has. So many times he has come so close telling the boys about the baby and the affair, but I am the one who stopped him. Like I said before, Its not easy for me to sit back and watch their world get turned upside down. I even told my husband ” I have no control over this brand new life that you have brought into this world, but i do have control over mine…and I refuse to tell them about this until I know its the right thing to do” My husband says he hates “lieing to them”and watching me have to lie to them to cover up something that he did wrong and is ashamed of. He says he will take what is coming to him from the boys…but what he doesnt understand is Im not concerned with how they treat him…Im fearful of how bad their hearts will break. Im just not ready..I keep asking myself, Is it better for them to find out now, my oldest going into his senior year of highschool, and having to deal with the embassarment this wil bring. Or is it better for them to find out later, grown men when “their little sister, born from an affair they knew nothing about” comes to find her daddy?

      You asked about our religion and faith. Yes we are Christians, very active in our church, and I would say we are a very respected and loved family in our community. We live in a very small town, only 1100 people. My boys are known everywhere they go, and loved, looked up to~leaders in their schools. Which brings another problem my husband and I have. Ther embarrasment this will cause them??? I realize that this little girl didnt ask for this, but neither did my boys!!!!! The father that they know and love is not the same father that this little girl will know. Their daddy would go to the ends of the earth for them, move mountains in their name…so how will they feel knowing he walked away from her life to keep peace inside of theirs.

      Im going to back up a bit. My youngest son was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes feb 2012. We almost lost him and he struggles everyday to keep his blood sugars stable (as i type this the school is calling because his blood sugars are too high) This disease literally turned our world upside down.Our faith, prayer and lots of people in our lives that are there for us everyday has kept us going. Well, needless to say. When he was diagnosed, my husband and I drifted apart, I had to sleep in his room for months, checking blood sugar throughout the night and left my husband to “handle” everything else. There were some days we didnt even speak that much..It was really a devistating time where everyone focused on taking care of my yougest. Then financilaly we started suffering financialy. I had to quit work, doctor bills started pilling up. So my husband took a job 13 hours away..for 6 months, he only came home one time. At the time we felt like we had no other option. This is where the affair took place, I had my husbands phone sent off and had a copy sent to me of everything (text messages, pictures) a few months after ifound out. So there is NOTHING that I dont know about what happened. She is a sick woman. She persued and literally stalked him. At one point she went to his hotel room and sat there for hours calling and texting him wanting him to come back to the room (while he sat accross the street waiting for her to leave). He knew what he was doing was wrong, but like I have said before. Hes just a man. He loved the attention she gave him (I surely wasnt givin him any) she did so much for his ego, it is sick to read some of the things she would text him. She knew what she was doing, and she was very good at it. he was just too stupid to realize it then. He was just having a good time, having sex and listening to someone tell him how perfect he was etc…he talked about me to her the ENTIRE TIME! telling her her loved me, how he couldnt believe he was doing this…etc. she would reply “well dont worry, soon as the jobs over and you go home youll never hear from me again..Im just getting my rocks off (thats what she called sleeping with him i guess) and keeping you from being alone. Never gave him any indication that she would do what she did. He said that he knew she was a horrible mother, and i have read the things she told him, at one point her mother called her (because she would leave her kids with her parents, stay out all night long, sometimes be gone for days) at 2am~while she was at my husband hotel room, told her that her kids (4 yrs old and 2yrs old) were sick. for her to bring them medicine they were running a fever,but she wast allowed inside the house to leave it on the doorstep. My husband was furious, even told her that her kids deserved better than that..never dreaming I guess that she would be raising his child one day!!! Anyway, the day he left coming home, she sent him a text message saying she was pregnant, she needed $500 wired to her and that if he didnt tell me that she would, and that she hadplenty of video to show me…(which he knew nothing about) It still amazes me that this man i love so much and have always thought was the smartest person iknew could be so naive and stupid!!! he tried for 7 days to “appease her” try and figure out how/when to tell me”…so he told her he was changing his phone number because she had literaly “gone crazy” and for her not to contact him again. and he has not had any communciation with her since unless it was through me. that will be 2 years ago in november. The day he changed his number is when she sent me all of their “sex videos” and everyday since she has harrased me. He said she is bipolar but never takes hr medicine. She will go from “one extreme” to the other” from apologizing to me, to needing money,to calling me a “fat ugly bitch” and asking me how it feels to know half of his pay check will go to her! I have been accused of seeing the world throught “rose colored glasses” always trying to find the positive in a bad situation. Tell myself things could always be worse,but this is a tough one. If it were just “an affair” that only my husband and I had to work through we would be fine. Honestly “our marriage”is much stronger now than it has ever been, but its the fact that this will never go away. my husband and i were talking about what to do…what was right. I said “your such a good father, she will be no different that your boys when it comes to being her daddy.” and he started crying, he said “you will never unerstand what i am going through. I look a my boys and I see you..every happy memory, your smile, your laugh. its all there in them. and im reminded everytime i look in their eyes of all the good things in my life. everybit of good i have experienced is in them. how am i supposed to look at my little girl and not see the mistake, the shame, anger, guilt, and be reminded of all the bad, how is that fare to her and how am i supposed to ask you and our children to accept her into our lives”
      I often ask myself, If I could wish upon a star..lol or be able to snap my fingers and fix this how would I? and the answer is pretty easy for me. My husband would fight for full custody of the baby, because how would any judge think that the little girl would be better off with her crazy mother, under the circumstances she lives in. She would come to live with us. I would love her like my own. She would have the life she deserves with a father that fought for her instead of seeing her as a mistake he made. Her brothers would realize that everything happens for reasons…even if they hurt in the beginning and they would feel so blessed and thank God everyday for their little sister and they joy that she brings to their lives. That my boys could learn the true meaning of unconditional love by looking at my husband and I. Learn to forgive, and take what we have gone through as a family , learn from it and take the lessons into their adult relationships as they grow. I would pray that the OW after having her child taken from her would realize how much she is hurting her other 2 children and change her life for them…give them a chance. but sadly, this will never happen. I know my husbands heart, i feel like he will accept whatever judgment he gets on visitation to see this child and she will have to shuttle back and fourth 13 hours between her mama and daddy. she will grow up feeling like a mistake,and i fear she will grow up with the same issues and values (or lack of) that her mama has. I dont see the OW making any changes in her behavior..it works for her. She gets child support from the other 2 daddys and their fathes have nothing to do with them. she gets food stamps, welfare, and free insurance, free room and board at her parents, and they watch her 3 kids for her while she parties, gets high, and stays out all hours of the night… and even tho my boys will try with everything in them…they will never forgive their daddy…and they will never be able to not feel sorry for me and what he did to me…even if i assure them EVERY DAY that i am happy and fine. I kinda start to feel sick to my stomach when I think about it al…
      Once again. I cant thank you enough for talking with me..if for nothing else i dont feel so alone…Iwould have never dreamed this would be happening to my family..please keep us in your prayers.

      1. Traci,

        Oh how I can relate to your dilemma! I am so sorry that this is what you are living through but then our God is able…..just ABLE ….

        One of the things that has contributed to the downfall our individuals and our culture is ignorance of the things GOD has told us NOT to be ignorant of.

        As I pointed out I have learned that it has been a deliberate effort by the god of this world to work to belittle the importance of human beings to learn from GOD personally by time learning in the Word ..study to show yourself approved unto GOD a WORKMAN that needs not to be ashamed…rightly dividing the word of truth’ 2 Tim 2:15

        Time and time again I have seen what GOD said about HOW man is destroyed is due to ignorance that the scriptures inform us ….how ‘My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge’ and ‘they have forsaken me the fountain of living waters and hewn for themselves cisterns….broken cisterns that can hold no water. God who is the unending source of knowledge, truth and wisdom that results from rightly dividing and applying truth is left with only the various ‘cisterns’ of religion, philosophy and the ‘rational ‘ mind which God has recorded is ‘carnal’ and is ENMITY AGAINST all that is GOD and godliness!

        The history of mankind proves that man apart from God may move forward in all kinds of inventions and constructs but the root of the fallen man’s heart is not ‘good’ as many like to believe but it is ‘deceitful and desperately wicked ‘ and it is the ‘sword of the spirit which is the word of God that will reveal to us the content and condition of it so that we may pursue the Lord and access the help that He has offered to whomsoever WILLS to do so.

        Remaining ignorant of our constant deceptive and real enemy man has gone after the world and the flesh at the devil’s urging. Without the ‘armor’ that God has provided and commanded us as believers to put on daily , which pieces we read are for our distinct and necessary protection we flounder and fall over the deliberate obstacles we are not even aware of . The enemy has also placed many counterfeit ‘dangers ‘ in our path that we might be distracted from the very real ones.

        The ‘beam’ in the eye of a believer is all that we think is ‘good’ as reinforced by those who preach a different doctrine than that which the Lord provided throughout all scripture which HE has told us is ‘god breathed ‘and is profitable for doctrine , reproof and correction which is INSTRUCTION in righteousness….that a man of God would be fully furnished unto all good works.[2 Tim 3:16 , 17]

        Those ‘good works’ involves reading , pursuing and continuing in the Word to learn what we are to do and how to recognize the “real” from the “Memorex” if you will.

        Learning about WHY we have fallen for such lies is instructive and it is not to blame anyone else for our falling but to understand that we have been indoctrinated due to the lack of knowledge God provided for us to be taught and learn what is going on and how to avoid becoming part of the problem and grow in the knowledge , pursue and practice of the SOLUTION .

        Having a Savior in Jesus Christ is only the beginning . The devil enjoys derailing the new Christian from learning the truths that he needs to become a formidable defender of righteousness IN HIS OWN LIFE and so avoiding harming others and other people’s impression of Christianity.

        Sadly our world has become more and more full of those who reject the idea that there is a GOD and that HE is a rewarder of those that persist in pursuing Him….a lot of church “GOING” has replaced church BEING as God has desired those who worship Him to be so in spirit and in TRUTH.

        The true worship is in walking, living out those things that we have sown in our hearts from faithful pursuit of what GOD intended His kids to learn. To apply what HE will guide us into all truth to see and know,.

        The testimony of two ‘witnesses’ has fallen from the way the Bible written in the HEART of a believer is also LIVED OUT in everyday decisions.

        I applaud your husband for his DECISION to not just quit drug use which is HUGE and to take up his cross and walk after Jesus Christ by denying his flesh in this category and learning to live rightly, one decision at a time!

        This is a big deal with God but also with the demonstration to his children. His willingness to be transparent with the children in his charge is instructive for them to learn from their own father how he has struggled with his flesh and sin and through perseverance overcome the desire to use.

        This is how the father’s make the best use of their situations that will also help their sons and daughters learn what to do with the very real challenges of living through this world and overcoming through the ACTIONS taken upon DECISIONS made upon the TRUTHS of God’s Word and reliance upon God’s Spirit to help strengthen them ‘with might in the inner man’ by encouraging truths that their labor not in vain.

        Think, what does the government school actually DO to help children deal with sexuality? They are equipping them with various forms of false information as to WHAT sex is and Why it is and HOW it is most important in RELATIONSHIP .

        Only God provides the truth about sex. And frankly the churches and ministries are not doing much better . Some people who love the Lord are starting to address this issue but it is a long time coming. Marriage and sex have been set aside for many reasons in the church but the bottom line is that a long time ago men got the idea that preaching was a ‘vocation’ like any other ‘career ‘ and schools sprung up and taught things that were “of men’ ….some taught good and various aspects of scholarship which have been useful but in truth the man taught OF and BY the Lord through personal study and attentiveness to the LORD are finding out things, long hidden and by slight of hand in the devil’s intentions , turned aside to other concerns.

        Many sincere men have gone to a seminary or gained EMPLOYMENT in a church or denomination and have been afraid to teach what needed to be addressed. The ‘broad way’ of ‘success’ has left the church devoid of wisdom that was needed to face the realities of spiritual darkness that encroached upon our society and now has pretty much taken up the lead as our government, various fields of education and media are marching onward to bring about a one world that will suit and serve the greatest one usurper of the authority of our God …the Anti Christ!

        All of the social ‘norms’ have been the result of many men and women who individually have rejected the God of the Bible and turned to more ‘humane’ behavioral plans.

        The Humanist doctrine SOUNDS nice and loving but at the deletion of GOD at the head and so man’s flesh and carnal reasoning has taken the lead. The idea of a devil has been neutralized and mocked and so many , even among church goers are convinced that the answer to the ills of the world lie completely in their own hands.

        Humanism is at the root of the doctrine of world leaders and governments driving on toward the one world religion, politic and economy and it is no longer a ‘secret’ among a few as we now see a bold exposition of it as THE PLAN that will “fix’ all of societies ills.

        Those who have, by sheer hard work, diligence and moral conscience, become the abundant contributors to our culture and industry are not in the sights of the social engineers to gut the resources of those God has blessed as they have adhered to moral laws and godly reverence to Him who made us and has all our best in mind.

        Man is given free will to learn and to make choices based upon wisdom …but having set God aside and reverence for the Truth He has provided through Jesus Christ and His word , man apart from GOD can do nothing righteous.

        The various ‘mantras’ of this age have been continuously ‘planted’ through repetition until more and more people believe it is ‘right ‘ to ‘not judge’ but the context of that truth has been ripped to shreds as emotion and feelings have ruled the day and men and women moved by their emotions to think of ‘love ‘ only in their flesh terms and not what GOD has used His whole word to demonstrate and define.

        As God’s children we are told to ‘judge not according to appearance but to judge righteous judgment’ …and where many wonder will we find ‘righteous judgment’ but back in that verse which tells us all of the Word is ‘instruction in rigthteousness’

        Everyone DOES judge but it is by the tenets of our culture which is marching to the drum of the god of this world.

        Churches too , adrift and under the demeaning of scripture by so called ministers of righteousness trained up by traditions of man and false doctrines based upon Gnostic influences as Jesus warned us would be the case ….all are gone astray …and only few take the road less traveled that is narrow leading unto the King’s realm of truth and love.

        This did not happen overnight and yet it did happen swiftly in comparison to our time frame …in a little over a mere one hundred years that last bastion of a whole nation founded upon biblical truths has become one of the largest exporters of pornography in the world …No wonder that the false teaching of some large religious groups have grounds to inflame anger against us !

        In my early years as I entered into my walk with the Lord I had had no real godly relationships to measure the character of people . I found out through study and asking the Lord to teach me “WHAT has happened to the church ? “ many of the things that have taken a lot of time to find out .

        What we don’t know , we don’t KNOW …and it has hurt us !

        “Deception” is INDEED the most prominent hallmark of the age! This is just as Jesus told us would be increasingly profound about the end of the church age. In effort to deter believers from realizing the truth of just what time it is …the ‘end of the age’ has been both reduced in our minds through mockery and on the other hand lauded as fiction and fantasy . Believing the truth about the TIMES we live in has been very useful in the hands of those who have , like the Pide Piper lead people down the garden path of Humanism and Utopian day dreams of a future where MAN has been the architect of all history and future combined! Man as GOD is very much on their drawing table and has become pretty close to their ultimate end.

        Study of prophesy in churches a has either been the dominant focus and been made a laughing stock by false predictors gaining an audience for themselves OR it has been set aside as nothing we need be concerned about like some giant ‘wizard of Oz’ ….denying the need or purpose to ‘look there’

        All of this has led to man being more and more concerned about responsibilities that are really GOD’S while also ignoring attendance to learning what man’s own responsibilities are !

        I recall emphasis in teaching upon marriage and family order and responsibilities being laid upon the wives ! Indeed it was focus upon the wife’s need to respect , honor and serve the ‘needs’ of her husband that seemed to be the most taught aspect of marriage.

        IN truth it was all a part of the cultural reversal of roles and the plan was to bring about a shift in culture whereby the genders were NEUTRALIZED. It has effectively worked to relieve boys of the process whereby they are brought into true manhood and taught by fathers and other men HOW they need to be matured.

        The industrial revolution had several effects upon culture and society which was intentional about diverting and dividing men from family headship. There is a good book about how this has worked to fracture family.

        Men were no longer home and working with sons , mentoring them and training them when they reached the age where they needed to be ‘toughened up’ to take upon themselves responsibilities useful to provide for family.

        They also were removed effectively from training up sons and daughters in a daily personal way , teaching scripture in family devotions, and exampling how to love one’s spouse in a sacrificial way that also matured them spiritually as everyone is to SUBMIT TO GOD as head …not just a lording over and service to the ‘king of his castle’ ….in truth Jesus told his disciples …followers …that it was not to be so among them as it was with others who lorded over others but to become servant leaders.

        In the wake of such a development that seemed to advance our society in so many good ways …families indeed suffered loss.

        Women were no longer abiding at home with a cottage industry as factories took their husband’s time, energy and eventually hearts from the home. Their ‘free time’ left them open for more , outside activities which actually led to a more feminized tone of church attendance. Thus going to church became what women and children , and ‘weak ‘ men did …Men actually began to fulfill their ‘need’ for comradely and ‘fellowship’ in pubs after work!

        Once again ‘justification’ for these kinds of slipping away from God’s plan for man and families happened as the Word was little by little set aside in the family core and in church. The design and order of GOD was being conformed to the world . God has instructed us NOT to ‘be conformed to this world but to be transformed by the renewing of the mind ‘

        Soon children were involved in factory work but more the government was working toward what they wanted …our education system was designed after the prototype of the Prussian government . They had consulted ‘scientists’ to bring forth a way to have “a population which would be easily led’ .

        We may note that even the earliest forms of public education were placed in the setting of a ‘laboratory’ and children were segregated by age as the ideas of evolution came into popular thought.

        Treating children as wholesale developing by age rather than growing according to the way God has set each person as unique has led further to the acceptance of the child in the womb being a ‘fetus ‘ rather than a person , a unique soul , known to GOD from before birth.

        Eugenics being an outgrowth of evolutionary acceptance gave ‘birth’ to planned parenthood whose founder and ‘the mother ‘ of it has been ‘outed’ as a proponent of this devilish doctrine whereby countless of people were slaughtered by Hitler seeking to speed up the ‘evolutionary process’ and more countless lives murdered by ‘choice’ as abortion has become ‘ a viable option’ to ‘thou shalt not kill’ . Margaret Sanger was part of Hitlers associates in the Eugenics movement that has followed the RELIGION of Evolution.

        All kinds of ideologies from what would have seemed to be random coincidental associations have been working in concert to effect the changes in our world that God has foretold will be necessary for the Anti Christ to be accepted as the ‘messiah’ by many and varied ‘factions’ of people groups on earth,. They will not know the difference as they have not known the truth of scripture. It is even very likely that those who believe themselves to be Christian but have not really studied the Word themselves and investigated what is ours to compare with what we see, hear and are taught …that they too will be deceived!

        You may wonder why I have gone to such length to share some of what I have gleaned as I have spent these years in search of answers as to WHY things are so messed up IN and OUT of the church! I believe it is VERY RELEVANT in how you must consider what to do in your own situation.

        Many , even in the church have fallen into sinful situations and then wondered HOW did I end up DOING that ! It is because we have not taken the enemy seriously or have not learned just how stealthy he has been at work.

        We may note that this is JUST how the enemy in any situation works best …under cover and by way of counter intelligence. He has come in ‘sheep’s clothing’ , portraying himself as ‘good’ and as ‘here to help you’ …in it has not been without intention to take up the very pulpit where many sheep have not been taking their direction from the Lord but have been asleep in the pew . our ‘favorite sins’ have been addressed with ‘it’s nothing to worry about , Jesus did it all’ ‘God is love and will forgive sin’ …just confess it ….and don’t sweat it.

        God does indeed forgive and He IS love but man’s love is not the same as God’s love …God’s love offers us a WAY to make changes in our thinking and thus our lives. His love provides us with knowledge , wisdom and power to turn from sin . If we do not see or recognize the traps and snares that are laid out because we think like the world thinks then we will not be concerned about sin because we know we will be forgiven.

        That is only PART of the way we should think! We need to see sin for what it is …DEADLY …Adultery is around EVERY corner in the way media and even highway signs stimulate a man’s flesh.

        Men are told in the Word to ‘guard their hearts ‘ by way of ‘guarding their eyes” …it is a HUGE point of practical wisdom to teach young men how to do this ..They are challenge at every point in this day and time.

        There was a song I came across I had not heard growing up but I know some people have had it …”Be careful little eyes what you see …” ..then it goes on to say “ be careful little ears what you hear’ …and then ‘be careful little feet where you go’!

        This kind of walking circumspectly ‘ was not known to me …the most I got was ‘don’t talk to strangers’ and ‘don’t lie our you’ll get it worse next time’ …I am thankful for that last lesson which has held me in good stead all my life…maybe I am TOO transparent with some people who don’t need all that much info’ but still ….wisdom passed on as to HOW to live in such a climate as our day and time is now is so important and USEFUL to protect our children and each other!

        I recall a that anyone who took scripture too heart and tried to live by it was ‘mocked’ or rejected by my family and most of those who we knew growing up. Those who did live that way were considered ‘too religious’ and ‘ fanatics’ and maybe ‘uniquely called’ rather than being the actual way GOD intended us to live. This kind of attitude was also part of the way media and culture was working to dilute the impact of the actual life lived by faith that Jesus Christ called us to walk in.

        All of this is the SAME progression down and away from respect for God as good and the Word as our guide to live life in the abundance that comes from personal daily relationship with God that satisfies, fulfills and grows a person in all the ways that bring about not just eternal life but freedom from harmful things that lure by way of the world, the flesh and the working of the demons of hell under the command of the god of this world.

        All of the ‘steps’ we observe in Eve conclude in her being in the ‘domain’ of the devil which was ONCE Adam’s jurisdiction….the whole world and all who submit to sin as they are convinced of it being ‘natural ‘and doable’ or even ‘forgiven ‘ are then under the influence of many assaults by the ‘suggestions’ and ‘thoughts ‘ that build up in the mind unprotected with the truth .

        The Lord tells us the way to combat these temptations …
        2Co 10:5
        Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ;

        I know that this sounds like an impossible task. It is , if we rely only upon our own strength and limited knowledge of what a ‘high thing’ is or what God’s definitions are of what we face in our daily life.

        The man who learns to lean not upon his own understanding but to acknowledge GOD in all things and seeks to become informed will carry out what is most needed in this world.

        The man who loves GOD learns how to protect others from his own carnal thoughts and natural reactions to things that tempt and try him.

        A man who loves GOD and learns how to govern his own life will learn how to guard his wife and even other women from his flesh. He will not take advantage of any woman ‘offering’ him something that appeals to his flesh, not just because of his love for his wife but because he will understand that walking in keeping with God’s wisdom in regard to relationship will protect other women who might have not idea the danger to themselves by seeking ‘love’ which is not love!

        Women fall into sin very much due to not being loved by fathers who themselves do not realize this most important aspect of their lives.

        Daughters raised by men who live by emotion…even in their ‘good ‘ attempt to parent will not have the stability of a father who knows what his portion is and how to conduct and govern his various aspects of loving God, learning to love his wife and thus others.

        Governing his own flesh is KEY and it is part of the change of identity from natural , unbeliever , to following Christ as instructed by him …which involves very importantly to ‘deny himself’ ….’

        Many men may read this and understand it from a fleshly standpoint . They seek to ‘sacrifice’ in ways that are not going to communicate true devotion but instead more or less bring about an attitude of expectation of being acknowledged and thus recompensed by those they sacrifice “FOR” rather than the kind of giving due to the serving GOD .

        To do the work that GOD has ‘foreordained for us to walk in’ is to do so toward HIM …this leaves out expectations of recognition from PEOPLE who we may think ‘owe’ us something for what we do.

        I came across this in a practical way as I endeavored to respect, honor and live with my husband through many years of his ignoring me and our family. I did indeed try to communicate to him all that he as missing out on by his neglect of his first jurisdictions to Godward and to me as he had VOWED to live with intention to fulfill.

        The discovery of his long investment of what he had vowed to GOD and me in marriage did indeed put a different light upon all that I had done to obey GOD in respect of my vows to God and my husband.

        In betrayal my struggle has been to retain the attitude that I must obey GOD despite whether or not my husband or others acknowledge it …which is challenging as many times we hope to live our lives in some way as ‘contributing ‘ to others lives for the good.

        The truth is however that those who love the world will only find offense with a godly life. They don’t like to be given the word or the idea that there is a standard and an accountability to something or someone that is in opposition to what they like , feel or want. This is the basis for a false teacher to gain a following and a lucrative one.

        However learning to live what is truly ‘counterculture’ in following Jesus Christ is one of the things He warned anyone who will follow Him will soon experience.

        It is not our personality or behavior that is most offensive to others it is the WORD ….not that there may not be areas where a follower may have a long way to grow in the transformation of how learning and being corrected by the Word will eventually bring about.

        For those who are self willed and responsive to their fleshly desires, emotions and the world about them ..there will be areas of the lives of believers they will find or be pointed out to criticize in order to defuse the effects of the conviction of the Holy Spirit upon their conscience.

        It is one of the more difficult truths to recognize with people who invest themselves to sinful living that what they say to justify themselves is usually errily the same. This is because as Jesus told us those who lie does so by the influence of the ‘father of lies, the devil’!

        Time and again as I observe the statements shared on many forums dealing with the betrayed looking for answers and help they recount the things the adulterers say …they are not original!

        I told my husband that I never expected to have to deal with infidelity since we had discussed this in depth before marriage and even afterward. But the things that are now recorded on many sites that minister to adultery situations list off “red flag’ behaviors that are common among those who are sliding down this razor of compounding influences that lead to adultery.

        I now recognize those red flags and also that they are the SAME for anyone …and what do you know …they ARE mentioned throughout scripture as those things we are to do and to avoid in terms of staying faithful to GOD and to a spouse.

        All of what God tells us is for our protection. A man who obeyed the Lord who has not only come to submit to the changes of identity from natural man to a follower of Christ will not have as difficult a time submitting to the things that are needed for a man to change from a self willed single man to a godly submitted married man.

        My husband did not make that transition mentally but continued to want to function in his life by self determination and self will and entitlement to live life any way he wanted.

        He expected me to do all the adjustments due to the ideas that a woman was to ‘follow ‘ her husband and submit to HIM>

        Indeed he enjoyed this very much and it destroyed his enjoyment of his wife and marriage and eventually family.

        Going back to my reference to the man being ‘removed’ from the family during the latter 1800’s with the move away from the home being central to his life, children were more oftentimes taught by women. This is not bad in terms of women being very responsive to small children’s need for nurture …teachers, mothers and grandmothers deal with children in a more sensitive and empathetic way . At some point in the biblical and historical sense men would take up the training of sons. Honing them and toughing them up to become men who would take on the various things that GOD had actually given to men to do which would be an aspect of fulfillment in them . Work…providing materially for protection and various physical needs of their families.

        Somewhere along the line among even men who were ‘family men’ the aspect of financial and physical provision became separate from all of the other aspects of provision ..being character training, instruction of godly devotion and valuing the Word .

        One of the ways this was useful to a man feeling little loss of anything of value to his own development and fulfillment was the idea of ‘compartmentalization’ which ‘excused him’ from the other aspects of his responsibilities in his JURISDICTION of HUSBAND first and FATHER second. This is not that one is more important than the other but it is in the GODLY ORDER which is to be most effective in provision and protection of each relationship.

        A man who values his relationship with GOD first will be instructed and enabled to obey GOD in all of his other areas of life.

        UNITY and not segmentation was the will of GOD regarding his creation of man, in relationship first with Himself which was one of the impetuses for Jesus Christ coming and paying the price for our reconciliation with GOD . It was His being our KIN in terms of coming into concretion as a man that ‘qualified’ Him to be that substitute for fallen MAN.

        Man was given the woman OUT of HIS OWN FLESH to be an equal but different helper. BTW there no such word as ‘helpmeet’ …the understanding of the PHRASE of the woman who was to be the helper …’meet’ or sufficient in companionship and all other equal ways WITH the man was the intent and does indeed change the way people see this role of the wife.

        Anyway young men being raised only by relationships with women for the most part in practical ways has resulted in generations of young men coming of age without much if any idea HOW to function as a man according to GOD’s intent and for their own self fulfillment and understanding of what their life was purposed to become.

        Today many demonstrate being aged but immature! It is the focus of some to demonstrate that they should be respected because they work and how hard it is so we who benefit should worship them for doing what they are SUPPOSED to do and actually most find their fulfillment IN their work! It is not that they are not to find SOME fulfillment in work but it is not THE most fulfilling.

        Thus many being unfulfilled experience this sense of ‘lack ‘ because they do not know nor recognize the deep hole that not knowing Christ has within them. They sense a lack and seek something to fill it …most look to recreation or buy the lie that ‘real men’ do dangerous risky things or ‘need’ sexual experiences of vast and multiple kind to “really ‘ be a man!

        These are lying ‘doctrines’ fed daily now to men who know not what spirit they are of .

        I have set this large post for you to consider the BENEFIT of the father of your sons in how he might take this terrible sinful ‘choice’ …be it though he was deceived’ …all of how we are deceived is to be LEARNED from the WORD what are those ‘ditches’ and how to avoid falling into them and then WHY it is necessary for us to stand upon the things GOD tells us to do in order to not only protect our own loved ones but all others who ‘learn’ or are affected by our lives!

        Man was given HUGE responsibility because by DESIGN he has HUGE INFLUENCE. This is not lost on Satan.

        If Satan can deceive and trip up the HEAD of a household he may plunder the house!

        If Christ is meant to be the ‘head’ of the man …in other words the Word of GOD being LORD in a man’s thinking thus directing his steps and decisions and view of all things that approach him in this world …THEN the head must be ‘removed’

        The distraction of a man from knowing his HEAD as Christ is bound to leave him in a state of vulnerability to the world, the flesh and the devil , UNARMED to deal with lust and various other ‘callings ‘ set up to take him captive.

        If he sins and continues to hide it it WILL become the “hook” that keeps him snared …and take him further into darkness , hiding and secrecy which will eat away at his soul.

        The sooner we deal with sin that better. The sooner a person exposes sin to the light and the knowledge of those effected by it and TURNS to learn to walk in the way of the Lord through being teachable and taking up the challenge and command of GOD to study daily …then the less power the devil will have to leverage that person to continue in sin.

        Accountability and exposure are the backside and aim of the snares the devil uses to continue using those who fear the consequences once they have fallen for the snare.

        THESE are the beneficial things you might consider for the sake of the future necessities of your sons to not become vulnerable to the vast numbers of sinful influences that are abounding in today’s apostate world.

        Terms like ‘apostate’ have become mock-worthy in our day when many false prophesies have gone forth..caused some to panic who knew not scripture and then become fools in the eyes of the world. It is also one of the tactics of the enemy of the souls of those who are more concerned with what people think than walking in truth.

        We do acknowledge our various ways we have been misled and taught things not according to the Truth of scripture. Back in the days when young people came to Christ there was a hunger and thirst for truth and a zeal but not according to knowledge of the truth. Many took advantage of this unlearned generation coming to Christ …many were turned away from the Lord due to hurt and harm upon discovery that their teachers lied and manipulated.

        But the ‘success’ of the devil to steal, kill and destroy those who were entering in has not deterred all …some but not all.

        Overcoming hurt and damage from sin and deceitful people is possible and in reality a MUST for those who follow Christ.

        As I said before Jesus was clear that in the latter days deceit and lies would be great …in and out of the pulpit …every person must become armed with the WORD and allow GOD to grow them up in the knowledge and understanding that come from personal continuing in His word so that we may be discipled by HIM…
        Jhn 8:31
        Then said Jesus to those Jews which believed on him, If ye continue in my word, then are ye my disciples indeed;

        In separation from God and knowledge of His testimony found in all scripture we have all tended to have higher expectations of other people’s ability to sustain integrity that we have come to identify with ‘good ‘ people. The truth however is that all have sinned and come short of the necessity of holiness that only is ours through Jesus Christ and HIS life , death and resurrection.

        God’s MERCY has given us TIME to come to Him and GRACE as allowed us to live the length of a lifespan to learn all that God will instruct those willing to submit to His teaching through His Word.

        To be a ‘hearer’ of His Word ‘second hand ‘ through preachers and others ONLY is like watching someone eat a hamburger and thinking we are full! We all need to personally take the time and place God and His Word FIRST in our day and priority in order to live , experience and observe the changes that GOD only will engage in us as we refer back to Him and think ‘ what does God say in this situation’?

        What is HIS responsibility and what is mine.

        In our situation my husband had the opportunity to repent , that is to not just admit what he did was wrong but to take that opportunity to turn to learn what he needed to learn in order to effectively turn the whole situation around to submit to GOD

        The scriptures do not just say ‘resist the devil’ as many like to quote …but PRIOR to that it says ‘SUBMIT to GOD ‘ …in this they work in one and the same function…when you are submitting to GOD you WILL be resisting the devil and ‘he will flee from you ‘’…and that is only until the ‘next’ time when the effort will be repeated to get one off balance and off the narrow way!

        Our stumbling and falling can be useful to help others to learn NOT to ‘go that way’ IF we are willing to stay the course with the Lord and allow that those sinful and sorrowful things will also lend weight to others of what not to do and what GOD has continued to instruct us TO DO.

        In this your husband’s first duty is to GOD , and in this world TO YOU …and then to the children of the covenant of marriage.

        Hard as this may seem to people raised in the humanist environment where everyone is made to feel guilty for the choices others make and then take up the responsibilities that come in consequences …there is a form of trying to be ‘god’ to others who really NEED to deal with the consequences of the sin they commit OR as you have recounted the effort to shield this woman from dealing with the reality of her sinful choices by her parents and now YOUR family …as you are being leveraged for concern for HER child …is a very difficult thing for you to deal with.

        Still the truths of JURISDICTION and PRIORITIES will guide you aright if you can endure the way you are projecting a future for that child which you really do not have the ability to do unless you discount the ability of GOD to BE GOD even for that child.

        I know how tough this is for you. I too have made decisions that effectually have allowed my husband to choose to once again avoid dealing with his first jurisdiction and responsibility to GOD , me as his wife and our family.

        He has put us all in danger, financial ruin , even as his ‘integrity ‘ such as it is still causes him to support us and pay the bills. His ego however is still the driving force used by satanic influences of this world and our present age to continue to DRIVE him. You know this word has often been used in our day among believers as a biblical paradigm when it is GOD who LEADS and desire us to follow after HIS WAY which is recorded in HIS WORD .

        Jesus IS THE way we are to follow ..what is our commonly accepted vocabulary should not be taken lightly . In the word the things that ‘drive’ us are considered by GOD as leverages of emotion, appetite and perceived ‘needs’.

        Jesus told us what our ‘needs ‘ are to be …they are basically identified as to know the truth …which ‘sets men free’ from the ‘law’ of sin that works death in our flesh and carnal minds.

        Sex , by the way , is NOT a ‘need’ as taught to many through the culture and even churches….to ‘get our needs met’ has been hijacked to translate that any urgent feeling we have is a ‘need’ …what we DO need is to learn to ‘govern our flesh’ what the world does is to solicit a sexual impulse as a ‘need’ and thus many men are ‘driven’ to think they MUST ‘get’ sex….

        God told unmarried men to govern their sexuality UNTIL married and then to govern their sexual desires even then …lust has no good effect in any category.

        So I have come to learn that a young man who does not govern his lust BEFORE marriage will not have any better grip on it after ward.

        Men who are stimulated all around in this culture whine that their wives are not sexual enough! What …does this mean that centuries before men were not as sexual as they are now? No …in fact among men who knew not God they were just as base and uncontrolled. BUT today’s man has extra imagery and encouragement to let it all hang out and thus he is stimulated not by the sight and memory of his own wife as Malachi and other places encourage him to BECOME SATISFIED by the wife of his youth but he is engorged by all kinds of sexual stimulation surrounding his every move and location!

        So then it is even more important for men to be taught this tactic of the devil to use to help a man justify his ‘need’ since his wife is not able to continually deal with these kinds of uber sexual state that the man is directed to learn how to deter in his own mind by means of God’s instruction …what you see, what you hear [think of the many lyrics today!] and where you go and who you choose to spend a lot of time with.

        These are areas man IS TOLD by GOD to learn to deal with .Corinth was a very sinful and tempting place so Paul was inspired to direct those living there and coming out of that culture how to deal with it.

        God does not tempt us but in a trial that comes from living in the world Satan is very subtle in using our state under trial to tempt and it is in those things we may become stronger in our leaning upon God or stumble over areas we have not equipped ourselves to learn how to ‘submit to GOD ….thus before you know it you are IN a situation more difficult to ‘resist ‘ the devil …we may use these areas where we have fallen and the Lord has recovered us to confirm what GOD has written to warn and equip us in ..in our dealings with equipping our children and others .

        May your find some help in what I have shared….God is still able to heal in your family and it would appear that your husband is in a state of godly repentance that leads to life and thus willing to do all that he may learn to help his sons with the reality that they now have and will be able to teach them tools they will need in the coming years should the Lord tarry as He awaits patiently the fulfilling of the body with the rest of those who will believe .

        This world has always been a dangerous place due to the Fall and the devil having taken the dominion that Adam once had as his own jurisdiction. What a man will not take upon himself in terms of the jurisdiction of his own life and then a marriage and family God has provided and allowed upon the vows of the covenant then those jurisdictions will be ‘taken ‘ by the enemy to some degree.

        The education of children was ‘taken’ in the vacancy of fathers abdicating their god given and ordained task and privilege to train up their children. The state now asserts to override the God given rights of parents and is in process of making laws against the order and will of GOD.

        When I got my teaching credential back in 1972 I was told that it was the teacher’s job to usurp the authority of the parent in the mind of the child. At the time I did not know much about the word and so it went over my head. Once I got into the word and then began to home school my own children sooner or later the Lord brought this to mind! It is exactly what the devil has endeavored to do over all time ..to usurp Godly order and authority! No wonder our ‘education system’ has been a direct effort to transform society over generation by way of WHAT children learn! They endeavor to teach younger and younger…the forming of man’s mind and body was not lost on Satan …not by a long shot.

        Still you have opportunity to take up this godly ordained function in the lives of your sons. No life entrusted to your husband is without significance in GOD’S order.

        This truth of sovereign jurisdiction is now seen more and more in play as boundaries in every godly area are being challenged and dismantled.

        It is in lacking an understanding of godly purposes for man , for life, for marriage , for family , for government that we have been derailed as a nation …entertainment, pleasure and ‘success’ of all descriptions have become the focal point to the destruction of souls ‘free’ of knowing why they were born and what life is all about . Even the definition of ‘love’ has been skewed and defile to mean feelings …mostly fed on hormones of limerance. Nothing resembling the truth of what Love is as we see demonstrated by God’s only begotten Son on the cross! Laid down because of LOVE for GOD ….HE always did the will of His father.

        If earthly father’s demonstrated such willingness and taught their sons this definition of love by laying down their lives to please the Father by way of obeying His word then we will see young men avoiding the pain of the way our culture is luring them to believe the various lies of what their lives are for . It is not for the state as we have heard ‘children are OUR greatest ‘resource’! People are NOT ‘resources ‘ but individuals meant to glorify GOD and we were ‘bought with a price we are not our own’

        It is for this truth that a man REQUESTS to take on the responsibility of another man’s daughter as WIFE …and HE is THEN responsible for that woman’s life and any children out of that covenant marriage …all aspects of the life they then experience . He is asking to be THE steward of the life and conditions of that woman.

        Thus the woman who had children by other men is not to become the ‘ward of the state’ but is to be cared for and is the responsibility of HER FATHER …not having a husband and the children she has are HER responsibility and as difficult as it is for us in this day and time …her ‘suffering ‘ the consequences of choosing to pursue a married man and then to get pregnant by him is one of the things SHE must suffer through and even watching the lack those children have …

        I KNOW this is too difficult for us to imagine as we too have been conditioned emotionally and we DO care about the children.

        Sadly emotions not reigned by God’s word and wisdom have caused that woman’ s parents to enable her to go on to do MORE sinful damage to MORE lives…and she is still at it .

        NO one says NO to leaving people to deal with consequences of their sinful choices . No one or nearly no one is teaching children there are consequences for sin.
        There are medicines and therapies due to regarding man as an ‘animal’ and unable to control his baser appetites.

        All pretty much stemming from the evolutionary view of man who is then only a product of his environment and the primordial slime he somehow came out from! Big Bang my eye! The only ‘big bang” was ‘GOD SAID and it WAS SO! But that truth then leave all who want to avoid accountability with the problem of a GOD who WILL call them to account for their choices.

        Anyway…I know that your decision will be difficult but consider prayer with expectation of clarity as you study the word for help in understanding. Most people you talk with will not give this encouragement but to ‘cut to the chase ‘ to take care of immediate pain instead of the long view of the necessity to face reality and proceed upon the things GOD will work into your understanding.

        Psa 84:11
        For the LORD God is a sun and shield: the LORD will give grace and glory: no good thing will he withhold from them that walk uprightly.

        2Pe 2:9
        The Lord knoweth how to deliver the godly out of temptations, and to reserve the unjust unto the day of judgment to be punished:

        Exo 20:6
        And shewing mercy unto thousands of them that love me, and keep my commandments.

        Deu 5:10
        And shewing mercy unto thousands of them that love me and keep mycommandments.

        Deu 7:9
        Know therefore that the LORD thy God, he is God, the faithful God, which keepeth covenant and mercy with them that love him and keep his commandments to a thousand generations;

        How to love ?

        Jhn 14:15
        If ye love me, keep my commandments.

        That is NEW TESTAMENT….

        Jhn 15:10
        If ye keep my commandments, ye shall abide in my love; even as I have kept my Father’s commandments, and abide in his love.

        1Jo 5:2
        By this we know that we love the children of God, when we love God, and keep his commandments.

        1Jo 5:3
        For this is the love of God, that we keep his commandments: and his commandments are not grievous.

        Jhn 14:23
        Jesus answered and said unto him, If a man love me, he will keep my words: and my Father will love him, and we will come unto him, and make our abode with him.

        BTW ..WHO are YOUR brother’s and sisters? WHO are those who are JESUS’S brothers and sisters? Are ALL regarded by HIM as ‘children of GOD”?

        What did JESUS say regarding this issue?

        Mat 12:50
        For whosoever shall do the will of my Father which is in heaven, the same is my brother, and sister, and mother.

        Mar 3:35
        For whosoever shall do the will of God, the same is my brother, and my sister,and mother.

        Thus TWO “WITNESSES “ of scripture to confirm this truth.

        Who is right then the Humanists and social engineers or Jesus Christ?

        Deu 17:6
        At the mouth of two witnesses, or three witnesses, shall he that is worthy of death be put to death; but at the mouth of one witness he shall not be put to death.

        Deu 19:15
        One witness shall not rise up against a man for any iniquity, or for any sin, in any sin that he sinneth: at the mouth of two witnesses, or at the mouth of three witnesses, shall the matter be established.

        Mat 18:16
        But if he will not hear [thee, then] take with thee one or two more, that in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.

        2Co 13:1
        This is the third time I am coming to you. In the mouth of two or three witnesses shall every word be established.

        This brings up the account of Jesus being brought the woman caught in ‘adultery , in the very act’. Jesus did not CONDEMN the woman because there were no witnesses which according to law was a necessity. He told her ‘go and sin no more’ …since Jesus always upheld the laws of GOD then this was not actually an issue of forgiveness but one of keeping the laws necessary for condemnation.

        His life does provide forgiveness but on the part of those who wish to receive it and live in the benefit of it they must confess …which is something they must realize is a need .

        Salvation is a need which has a provision from God but necessitates the person first becoming aware of their need which is to be SAVED …but from WHAT? Sin?

        That is not motive enough for some of us. The CONDEMNATION and the CONDITION that is due just and full recompense required by a holy and just GOD is what the ten commandments demonstrate and reveal as man’s inability to be an any CONDITION to be in relationship with GOD .

        The Pharisees were of all men known to be the most capable of being able to be received by GOD but Jesus pointed out that even those guys did not have what was necessary. The righteousness of GOD came not by works of the law or flesh but by faith in HIM who is righteous and will impute that righteousness to all who are willing to receive it.

        Just knowing that something is ‘wrong’ or ‘sinful’ does not do that IN a person. Only conviction of the need to have a Savior QUALIFIED from the eternal consequences of the STATE we were born into as descendants of Adam.

        Our flesh is born spiritually subject to physical death , our souls are subject to eternal destination either by being born of HIS spirit or …if not …eternal separation from the just and holy God who cannot be in relationship with one who is not OF HIS SPIRIT.

        Continue in prayer and supplication for wisdom as you search the scriptures to learn about what is so in all situations we are finding ourselves presently dealing with.

        God IS indeed LOVE and so He is not unable to deal with all that we are concerned with for His glory and our good.

        I hope you have found some comfort and benefit in all that I have endeavored to share here with you. It may prove helpful to whoever else may find this post.

      2. Traci, I’m not actually religious, so I can’t hope to match Lovey’s long religious rants. But my DS also slept with a sociopath and got her pregnant. She’s due in 3 months or so. She got pg on their last time together, a few days before I found out. Very bad luck.

        Though the original plan that they came up with was to give the baby up for adoption*, she’s since decided that being a single mother with no schooling or job prospects will be a super-fun adventure. Or at least that she’ll be able to exploit the boy to twist men so they’ll take care of her, too. We are both besides ourselves – how to get her to put the baby up for adoption? How to keep him safe from her machinations? How to get him into a loving family? But of course there is no way to do that. We’ve thought of cash incentives, working with her family to influence her, and flat out blackmail. (Or maybe grey mail? I’m not willing to break the law.)

        Sociopaths get off on the drama of emotional churn, and love to control it. They basically have no soul. No empathy or even understanding of emotions. She only cares about herself. We are slowly realizing her family threw her out. They allowed her back for a month while pregnant, but she started up with ANOTHER married man with 2 kids, age 49, and suddenly she’s back on her own. My husband is over 40. The AP is 21, and went through 2 other over 40 married men before him. I figure she must have been working on some married man in her small town before having to leave.

        She actually told my husband he should leave me and our kids, and he should do it quickly, “like ripping off a bandaid.” Ha! Instead he asked me for help to excise her.

        Anyhow, we’ve decided to disengage. My husband does not want to jerk a child back and forth. He hopes by staying out of it that she won’t use the child as a weapon as readily. He has sadly written off the baby as a lost soul, too. I still have hope a) it’s not his b) she’s not even pregnant or c) we can use some sort of leverage to make her give up the baby.

        I read many of the comments here about visitation with confusion. Why would any man agree to pay child support without a partial custody agreement? And no court would allow the AP to dictate who could interact with the child (if the father allows it during his time) unless there’s gross negligence or other judgements. We plan to write in some minimal amount per year, and then probably not use it. But some day, we might. She’ll never know when it could happen. It will drive her insane. And it will allow us to check on his condition.

        *You have to just take my word that there were mitigating factors at play for my husband…

      3. Apologies to those who consider what I shared here “religious rants”

        We are all trying to learn to deal with very difficult issues…causing other posters pain may be an outgrowth of your own pain but I do not see how my posts warrent such comment while posting your own difficult situation

        However I appreciate the post as you offered your own efforts to deal with the circumstances you are now dealing with and I am sorry you and your husband have this in your lives

        I admire what you and your husband have been doing as a couple to work together to come to a solution

        I pray the young woman will take your advice to put the child up for adoption considering what you have shared about her present state of mind and life skills

        Unfortunately there are indeed many young women who apparently are seeking someone to take care of them

        Sad times we live in…I hope you are able to bring a good conclusion to the situation and find go forward as a couple
        Some of us have not as yet enjoyed recnciliation and the child or children born out of adulterous arrangements have shredded marriages and families still struggling to come out from under the taxing aspects of it.

        Thank you for sharing your story here..it is a safe place for hearts broken by such circumstances.

  22. It never seems to fail that I no sooner write for hours at length …I take a shower and more comes to mind . I also see many typos that I hope you will forgive and be able to determine the word or words intended!

    One thing that I had come up was that people tend to lean toward any excuse to compromise on the truth .

    It is one of the things we have come to identify as ‘peer pressure’ and it has been very useful as tool to further corrupt those who know not the truth but want to be ‘good’ people .

    I recall going off to a bible college where I was surrounded by PK’s and even a roommate who was the daughter of a missionary. I was then determined to be a morally pure woman even though I had not had it occur to me the mental and heart effects of my dad’s porn collection which by today’s standards was rather mild. Also I did not realize I did not have a solid FOUNDATION which God’s word tells us is ‘the apostles , prophets with Jesus Christ as the chief cornerstone!

    As I noted before anyone who actually endeavored to live by the Bible was thought to be a kook or some other social “deviant”…much like today only back then it was mostly implied and not spoken in public…the effects of that attitude were the same and actually as we look at biblical records it has been so from the beginning pretty much.

    So I went to college with my high hopes of being able to keep my virtue and be somewhat respected for it. How wrong this was. It was at this college that further assault upon my ideas of what the value of purity and virginity were attacked from all sides! Literally it was noised abroad and mocked that I was unwilling to ‘kiss on the first date’ . Still I made it through that first year amid so many ‘believing ‘ young people among whom I did not hear the gospel but a lot more talk of ‘doing it’ …snickers all around as plans were being devised in one classically clean cut girls arranging her ‘first time;’ with her boyfriend which was somewhat approved and encouraged by other girls seeing they were ‘going to get married anyway’

    Then I preceeded on to transfer to another school , a secular one . I continued to hear of the sexual exploits of girls with their boy friends. I was really odd man out and that was only in 1966! Imagine what kids who have holes in their foundation today are dealing with and early on in public schools.

    The final assault upon my ‘keeping my virtue’ was successful and upon ‘giving up and giving in’ to the arguments I became at once self destructive as I reasoned that the man was not my going to be my husband as I had also bought the lie that I should seek success first in a career based upon my talent.

    The point here is that most people who have fallen into sin do not intend to and they don’t know that they CAN prepare to overcome and remain on the narrow way that is PROTECTIVE .

    Young people are not given this protective armor and even as those kids were preacher’s kids they did not apparently come away with the knowledge of what they needed to preserve their own walk nor did they really understand the depth of damage SIN DOES to even those who eventually may marry their ‘first’ one.

    When our children were young I simply could not teach from my sinful past what specifically was my sin yet as time has gone by and especially after my husband’s D DAY I have been forthright to tell them of the various ways I was caught by sinful pressures.

    Compromise of what we DO hope will ‘keep us’ from sin does it’s work in a very downward slide.

    As in the video “ Shakey Town’ which demonstrates and gives the account of how homosexuality took over San Francisco early in the century when the NAVY used to drop men off in the port who were discovered behaving that way.

    It went from a vague but shameful reality , hidden and unspoken or dealt with to something tolerated …then accepted and then NORMALIZED …and now demand for legalization by man’s courts of law.

    Any effort by Satan to work and corrode the moral law in the minds of people …once the COMPROMISE has worked it’s way into the mind and then the heart it will overtake a society as we have now seen demonstrated.

    It was recorded for us to learn from in the Biblical accounts of past societies and civilizations destroyed by the same sin but we have been moved from personally studing of it …time and work and other activities fill the time which God could have used in our hearts to teach us and to warn us and help us become ready for those assaults.

    My dad and my dad’s dad did not instill a respect for God and His Word so then I have had to play ‘catch up ‘ for these past 46 years. The effort my mom made to teach me how to be a ‘good ‘ person were of little help in the face of the intellectual assaults by many who worked to destroy by reason what is to be understood , and known through respect and revelation of GOD.

    One professor I encountered in that first ‘bible’ or ‘church ‘ college was a social studies proff [ of course] the impact of a statement he made hit me like a ton of bricks I can still recall . He said ‘We cannot judge another culture by the mores of our own’ ….it was the first recollection I have of what we now identify as “MORAL RELATIVISM”

    This kind of professor and curriculum is well exposed and explained in it progression in and though our education system and worked through our culture through various forms of media…Children’s programming being the most skillfully carried out under the noses of parents who never thought to check out what was being fed to their children in such “innocent “ entertainments. Early TV was no exception in it’s use. Those who intended to attack our society and culture have been a lot longer at work than anyone may suspect.

    Divide and conquer , divert and direct….many employments anyone who gets further into the study of the Word will come awake to !

    To raise godly and fully equipped to protect themselves in a culture where it is now a trend of propaganda to think of Christians as ‘haters’ and children raised in the faith as ‘mentally ill’ has been the aim of those who have desired to form and shape society and the world to their own gratification of self entitled grandeur .

    Remember one thing > The devil accuses of what he is guilty of ….when someone speaks to you consider the source of what they say.

    OUT of the heart INDEED the mouth speaks.

    YOUR sons were intended to be destroyed by hurt from all they have and will have to face…BUT the devil only wins if we do not take what has happened and jam it right back down his throat and he will “lose’ what was never HIS in the first place and that is the heart, soul ,, mind and strength of those who know their GOD and have obeyed the command to equip themselves with the truths GOD has supplied for us.

    It is NEVER going to stand before the Lord that we did not do what He has given us to do because someone else failed.

    People DO fail and the more we have trusted them and loved them we find the more able their feet of clay are to disappoint us . The devil goes not for the throat so much as the HEAD . He first turns us from keeping GOD first and then tries to take the head of the marriage and family.

    The suffering of women and children does indeed follow in emotions but more in moral strength to continue themselves to seek God as their redeemer and protector . In the woman the design is to be very much more sensitive to our emotions thus GOD instructs husbands to be careful that their own flesh does not cause them to stumble and thus wound their wives.

    This will also be useful for your sons to become concerned with the truth that any compromise they make in turning from learning from what GOD gives a man to learn may also work to weaken a young woman and cause her heart to break …compromise herself and take her also down.

    Woman are also advised to do what they can to deter becoming a stumbling block to young men’s purity. This is a challenge today as many young women who do not know their value as a person from a father demonstrating it to her by his continued way of being in relationship to her…that their value according to culture is their sexuality and ability to attract men.

    This has been a much more aggressive move on the part of the devil ..seen much in part by way of Alfred Kinsey and his association with Hugh Hefner and a Nazi officer in their ‘help’ by keeping records of their sexual exploits with CHILDREN.

    This Kinsey wrote a book in the late 40s posing as a scientist and doctor…his ‘research ‘ was only recently exposed as having been done amid prostitutes and perverts in prison. Published as ‘scientific research’ and ‘discovery of what was normal for men in sexual activity ‘ it hit marriages across the country as men felt they were under ‘served ‘sexually and missing out! Along with Master’s and Johnson and their ‘research’ people began to feel that their own sexual life was less than” normal”!

    I don’t have enough time or space to elaborate but you might investigate this yourself.If a person …particularly a man or boy thinks that they are under sexed somehow and they are being constantly bombarded with media that stimulates them …then NORMAL MARITAL LOVE …which is to culminate in sexual intercourse is going to seem …’less than’

    The appetite of many men who focus upon sex due to this kind of environment plus the way woman have been ‘sold’ as objects …outside of the way God has informed us in his word has led to men excusing themselves from fidelity because their wives ‘do not have the same sexual appetite’

    This is due to a LOT of misinformation fed over many years.

    Men ARE stimulated almost immediately from visual images.

    Women are more moved by their emotions.

    One reason historically women were sheltered from men of low character by husbands and duels were fought over a woman’s honor and her emotions being ‘violated’ by being given some kind of promise that was not fulfilled !

    There is much for you to consider and search out.

    I have found out things that explain to me why my own family and my heritage has been deformed by lack of knowledge and devotion to what GOD has provided for us to avoid such disasters.

    Just because of their father’s moral failure your sons cannot claim any justification to reject what GOD has provided for them to learn that will protect them. Every day they face some form of indoctrination taught as ‘cirriculum’ but is steeped in the intentional forming of a population of people cut off from the Head which is to be GOD .

    In the family your husband may very well find a verifiable platform to speak from his own experience and loss due to deceptions that began within , sadly his own heart.

    Good intentions and rationalizations do not work well in the face of such temptations ..Jesus did not overcome by saying ‘ I feel ‘ or ‘I’m able to overcome by my own determination and self will but ‘Thy will be done’ and in the face of the devil ‘IT IS WRITTEN”

    Knowing the certainty the person who stands behind those words is what empowers us to do all that HE has said .

    We must KNOW not guess about what GOD says .

    It is a matter of life and death and always has been but now even more so as our whole nation is being turned away to follow the compromises that bring nothing good but only more deception and bondage .

    Books I mentioned I did not give titles to were Missing from Action: A Powerful Historical Response to the Crisis Among American Men by Weldon Hardenbrook and Terry Somerville (May 1996

    The account of the effects upon society of the Industrial Revolution.

    Killer Angel: A Short Biography of Planned Parenthood’s Founder, Margaret Sanger by George Grant Dr. (Jan 5, 2001)

    The Marketing of Evil: How Radicals, Elitists, and Pseudo-Experts Sell Us Corruption Disguised As Freedom by David Kupelian (Aug 1, 2005)

    THE UNDERGROUND HISTORY OF AMERICAN EDUCATION (Revised, 2006 Edition) by John Taylor Gatto (2006)

    Shaky Town: A Documentary by The Gunn Brothers 2006 DVD

    The Kinsey Sydrome 2011 dvd

    These among some of the HUNDREDS of volumes I have used in research will help you a bit .

    Nothing replaces the Bible in then checking out what you read, hear or see.

  23. Pro 16:25 There is a way that seemeth right unto a man, but the end thereof are the ways of death.

    Psa 1:1 Blessed is the man that walketh not in the counsel of the ungodly, nor standeth in the way of sinners, nor sitteth in the seat of the scornful.

    Deu 4:9 Only take heed to thyself, and keep thy soul diligently, lest thou forget the things which thine eyes have seen, and lest they depart from thy heart all the days of thy life: but teach them thy sons, and thy sons’ sons;

    Pro 24:21 My son, fear thou the LORD and the king: and meddle not with them that are given to change:

  24. Kim,

    Thank you for your compassionate reply to my situation….I have been committed to learning and doing what the Lord Jesus Christ would work out in my life as I kept acknowledging Him to direct my path and not lean unto my own understanding or that of any other.

    This is indeed a different and difficult path at times especially when the usual feeling people have is to do as you have advised. In my view I serve myself best when I follow the Lord and in this case , though it is hard because the ‘lord’ my husband follows is his flesh .

    Serving one’s flesh is not going to bring about good no matter how good one’s intentions may be because as the scriptures say ‘ the heart is deceitful and desperately wicked’ …being compelled by our feelings and the trends of thought going on around us in the world is not OF the Lord or His truth. We may feel that we must do something FOR some reason that our feelings compels us but I think that is exactly what has gotten my husband in this situation,.

    The scriptures also warn us that ‘evil communications …companions’ corrupt good morals’ and no better example of that than my husband’s people pleasing and fear of what people would say about him if he obeyed the way GOD tells a man, a husband and a father to keep his priorities according to God’s order.

    Many times in our culture and in many churches women hear how THEY are the ones responsible for the tone and condition of the marriage but a revisit to scripture will reveal the very UN PC view that it is the man who has the greater responsibility and is actually enabled by GOD to do what will bring about his OWN happiness as he SERVES his WIFE …outside of a godly relationship with GOD and being brought to an understanding of this marriages often fall into the man either dominating,, neglecting or abandoning his responsibility to LEARN how GOD will help him govern his own flesh and govern his family .

    Starting with learning from the scriptures with appetite and willingness to believe GOD knows better than we do and wanting to learn what t that might be from a personal investigation …people , even people who say they love God often accept something from hear say rather than seeking what they need to know from their own time with the LORD IN Scripture and are led to believe or apply it by someone else encouragement that they should just ‘be happy’ or ‘doesn’t God want to you be happy” Kind of view of life.

    God does indeed want us to be happy but that is hard to do without knowing what to avoid that will bring consequences if what we want is out of the boundaries set by GOD to protect us …marriage is a good example.

    The stresses pressing in on marriage and family are many….not just today but even at the time of the first century where Paul informed us that in marriage we will have trouble…SO what else is new!

    Our latest generations take most of their information and counsel from almost everyone and everything aside from scripture …even those in ministry often are going to offer what is not found in the context of scripture but pass along something they have been taught

    Following Jesus Christ is a daily walk , A daily taking time to allow Him to guide us into those things we want and need to know to understand what to do and what is going on . This is good but many don’t feel they have the time …the truth is GOD gave us life not just for enjoying all that is around us but for us to seek Him and to spend time with him HE provided us with TIME …aka a LIFESPAN,

    It is not FOR US alone and though it is good to become more and more developed in all kinds of activities and skills ….it was back when humanism and human potential movement began to get people to focus on self

    Jesus gave us the best counsel that if we were to follow HIM we would need to ‘Deny our selves and take up our cross and follow HIM”

    Failing to understand the purpose of marriage as a testimony and example of Christ’s sacrificial love for the church …Husbands have not known the value and privilege of what it is to be a husband in truth and to learn to love his wife by putting GOD and his wife before himself.

    The abandonment of marriages , the damage to children not just emotionally but by way of destroying their opportunity to learn from example what the message of Christ’s love for the church by HIS deliberate obedience to His Father for the sake of reconciling man back to a right relationship with GOD is a GIFT to the MAN of the marriage . It is such a HIGH CALLING for a man to have a wife that Satan has pretty much confused the issue by turning people away from the WORD to seek their own way and follow their feelings and appetites.

    Just as Adam was given the freedom to choose in the Garden along with the warning in the form of the first commandment to continue to rely upon GOD …the same LIE is offered to people today . To not ‘eat the bread that came down from heaven’ which Jesus told us was to be our DAILY bread …people are famished and do not KNOW the truth that is God’s Word about everything.

    When people do not have the Word in their minds and do not refer to God to determine what is truth and good by HIS standard they will believe a LIE which often comes in the form of compelling arguments that ultimately appeal to the flesh.

    What we LIKE is no criteria for what is truth and if we choose to live by feelings and random thoughts unexampled by scripture we will not only suffer loss and painful consequences BUT WE HURT OTHERS as well .

    This kind of decision making is provided for in scripture but requires that we believe the GOD IS ..AND that HE is a rewarder of those who DILIGENTLY SEEK HIM>….not the next cool thing.

    Far from being restrictive’ as even Eve was compelled to believe from the Serpent….TRUTH is PROTECTIVE and WISE.

    The boundaries intended for protection of those within the marriage and the family OF that marriage have not changed and for those wise enough to know Love is not defined only by desire and feelings it is rewarding beyond anything most have had the opportunity to see in this day and time yet GOD has not changed and neither has his WORD .

    The only way around this has been for people to deny a Creator and poo poo that there is accountability to anyone higher than one’s own thoughts, feelings and standards set by the world , the flesh and the devil ,…as we presently see abounding all around us .

    My husband does not think about what he thinks about and so continues to make choices based upon his own opinions based upon whatever anyone tells him or what pleases his appetite from time to time …a movable path.

    As the scriptures say ” A double minded man is unstable in ALL his ways ‘ …my husband built his life on the sand of opinions and trends apart from the Word of God HE KNEW so HIS choices were based upon sliding into the company of people who did not understand nor honor marriage nor any of what GOD tells a person is necessary to live life that does no harm to anyone .

    Harm has been done and there is plenty of responsibility in the eyes of the world for this but GOD holds the MAN ultimately responsible to keep his VOWS and gives MEN MUCH instruction in HOW to do that .

    The wife and woman have their own instructions …and in this situation I STILL see my position as …is the case for the husband that in all situations and relationships listening to the LORD is FIRST .

    It is hard to continue to DO that if one is not reading and heeding HIM in the first case.

    The first commandment STILL remains for us to be protected and provided for and we are to keep GOD first no matter what happens by way of seeking to learn HIS ways from study of the scriptures …

    I realize that this is lengthy and may not be received by all …but the truth is still truth and we are all given the opportunity to continue in study of the Word to learn whatever is brought up for us to see , read or hear and then go to GOD to learn what HE has had recorded for us to learn and apply.

    Today I find that the churches are many taken up by those who seek to learn about GOD and HIS word by other means and perspectives that that which GOD has provided from scripture . Trends and popular authors appeal to our flesh and speak soothing things that encourage us to feel OK about sin ,. …not to concern ourselves with things GOD counsels us that are HARD sayings…and even as we may believe and receive Jesus as LORD and Savior and believe that GOD has raised him from the dead and are SAVED indeed …we still are exhorted to CONTINUE in HIS word …so that we may be HIS disciples INDEED>

    “Disciples INDEED” …something to chew on there.

    There is really nothing harsh or restrictive in Christ …but the flesh …or as scripture calls it ‘The CARNAL MIND opposes the things of GOD ‘ …we do not have to ‘live’ there but it takes desire and trust in GOD knowing the score for a person to be willing to patiently wait while seeking out GOD’S counsel as they opposes and even endure the way our feelings and flesh urge us to ACT NOW and ..deal with it later ….consequences often follow when we have done this …I know my husband does deal with these things now …but still rejects that HIS OWN IDEAS are sufficient for him to make good choices …so far that has not proven good for him …for the other children and certainly not for any of us ….

    There is a false idea that children who are grown are not effected by adultery of a parent….not so in this case or many of those who have been willing to discuss their life after their parental infidelity. It is a LOT bigger than people want to know or acknowledge! It effects people of all ages and not just those of the immediate family!~

    This kind of willful blindness was one of the things my husband admitted or used as his excuse for why he thought that our children would not be effected.

    He listed that I had been raising them in the faith and they would be OK …as for having the children with the OW …he reasoned that OUR children would be good influences upon them if the adultery were ever discovered ! He also sited the kids he know who ‘survived ‘ their parents situations involving adultery …which only goes to confirm that people generally want to ignore the truth of how this damages lives for many years to come and effects people despite how most people will pose as if they are fine…

    Some of his own friends children …two specifically …tried to commit suicide!

    This kind of selfish NARROW TUNNAL VISION of SIN is rampant and we have seen many of the destructive aspects that have come from it that people are not willing to accept as the ‘fruit’ of sinful choices.

    So ultimately when a person insists upon doing things for their own reasons apart from wise and sound counsel …no matter HOW they want to justify it to make themselves feel better with it …sin STILL KILLS…or as some people used to say “TWO WRONGS DO NOT MAKE A RIGHT”

    I am endeavoring to continue to keep my vows because GOD is still at work in HIS covenant which HE has invested in ….I pray for my husband to be delivered of the trap he keeps insisting is HIS best choice even as he often tells me he is unsure and does not know what he hopes to accomplish by his fence straddling . Meanwhile he is tossed too and fro by the whims of the children who now play him just as he was played by the OW …even as he has said he ‘hates’ her!

    1Co 14:33
    For God is not the author of confusion, but of peace, as in all churches of the saints.

    Jas 3:16
    For where envying and strife is, there Is confusion and every evil work.

    I take no pleasure in observing that adultery plus children has fostered this kind of attitude in the lives of all concerned. “Envy and strife ‘ have been brought into the relationships not by my insisting upon my husband doing anything but to do the things that are called for for HIM and all in HIS JURISDICTION …in proper order.

    However he has had the ‘freedom’ to do what he has wanted…and it has now only compounded his confusion…his entanglement which has become worse and worse and he does not enjoy it …but refuses …probably due to pride to make any sort of changes that would foster health in any of these relationships.

    He is alienating our children as they are being treated with the ‘short end’ of the stick as my husband serves his own body …paying for a personal trainer …you can work on the flesh but the inside is rotting away …meanwhile many aspects of our home need his strength and attention but he continues to live off another person’s generostity …not a woman …and work hard to ‘pay back’ to our family while doling out thousands which we do not have for the whims of the now teenage daughter and the young boy.

    Our children have been left to observe his efforts toward the other children while breaking promises and ignoring them on a more and more frequent basis.

    His own conscience is bothering him and like Adam he seeks to regard me and all of his true priorities before GOD as the ‘problem’

    What can I tell you. When a person disobeys God , breaks their vows and shirks their godly responsibilities and jurisdiction and seeks to plant a crop in a field not his own in the name of NOT being a ‘deadbeat dad’ …he is going to find himself in more messes as time goes by.

    He is throwing away blessings by the handfuls and reaping NOTHING but HARDSHIP in return…and denying any of the ways that good order and counsel would help dealing with the whole situation for the betterment of all concerned.

    His assumption that is his distant relationship with me and our children would be OK because our children ‘KNOW that he loves them’ ….is not working out so well.

    His demonstration of willingness to abandon me and do all that he is doing is only demonstrating to the children of adultery that marriage does not matter and that adultery pays off …for a while.

    His children of the marriage are appalled but are wise in the things of GOD and realize even more that this demonstrates that GOD’S WORD IS TRUE and worth taking time for and learning how to live by .

    The abandonment of listening to the Word of GOD has been very destructive not just to individual lives but to families and communities and now we see the ‘fruit’ of it in our nation and around the world

    It only PROVES what GOD has recorded for whomsoever is willing to seek Him and follow after learning what HE has offered to us in the Bible through Jesus Christ the righteous.

    I appreciate your desire to encourage and help …often times people with great compassion and love for others do not want to see anyone endure the hardship and difficulty that they might by staying in the marriage that is wounded in this way . I do understand …I hope in the knowledge that with this being the case that when the deliverance comes it will all the more glorify GOD for He is the reason for life and marriage in its inception.

    I do thank you for your loving exhortation and kindness in your post.

    Gal 6:9 And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not.

    James 1:3 Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience.

    Jas 1:4 But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing.

    Heb 10:36 For ye have need of patience, that, after ye have done the will of God, ye might receive the promise.

  25. A case study in domestic abuse and how abusers recruit allies, from Judges 19-21.
    See what people think about this video by going to http://cryingoutforjustice.wordpress….

    For the video which exposites Judges 19-21 examining how the Abusers behavior and character are indicated here

  26. I just came across this thread and wow, it really hits home at a time I need it most. I am also very much in a similar situation. For now I will just summarize my situation. My husband and I are both Christians, we dated for 3 years prior to being married. After being married for 4 years, and trying 9 months to become pregnant, we had a beautiful baby girl. (We have currently been married for almost 8 years and together 11.) I truly thought we had a perfect, Godly life.

    However, 2 months after our daughters birth I came home to a letter where my husband confessed an on/off affair for 2 years, and that he had found out that the other woman was pregnant. He said he wanted to be with me and would do everything he needed to. I loved him, and wanted the best for our new family. We started couples counseling that summer, although it was extremely difficult figuring out what involvement he would have with the child, he told me he decided not to have any involvement.

    Fast forward two years (our daughter was almost 3) and his daughter with the other woman was turning 2. He confessed that he had been speaking with the other woman for 3 months again (only phone and email, no physical visit) and decided he wanted to see his other daughter but was committed to ending the affair. I was heart broken, but I prayed and believed I was where I needed to be and with Gods help we would work things out. My husband went to visit the child with his sister (the other woman wouldn’t allow me to visit (and honestly I didn’t know if I was ready for it or not) but I knew there needed to be some accountability). After the meeting my husband was happy to have visited her and enrolled in an in depth affair recovery group. Then that December he wrote the other woman a letter than he wanted no contact with her but was unsure about the future relationship with him and his daughter. The other women continued to write for about a week to manipulate him into being with her and leaving me, but then all contact stopped. My husband was turning into an amazing partner, amazing father to our daughter, and strengthening our relationship with Christ. He went from completing the therapy to become a mentor to another class just this past summer. However, during all this time he never communicated the involvement with the other child to the other woman, although he told me that for a few years he wanted no contact. As I said his last therapy mentoring ended in May.

    I thought things were going wonderfully, we even began discussing having another child next year. But, my world came crashing down last week. My husband came to me and confessed that 2 weekends ago he had went to visit the other woman and child (who lives 8 hours away) when I thought he was on a business trip. My husband stated that everything with us was and still is amazing and that he loves me very much. That he has already enrolled in another therapy class, which he did a few days after that visit. The only explanation I got is that in July thoughts of the child just kept eating and eating at him so he called the other women to check on the child. He said for 2 weeks it was only about the child, but on one call the other woman began pouring out her feelings again on how he is the only one she will ever love, and how she has not been able to see any other men, and never will, because he is her soul mate, reminiscing about good times in the past, etc., etc., With her words his emotional connection came rushing back and one month later he went to visit her. My husband says after that visit his guilt was uncontrollable and he had to come clean with me, to immediately seek therapy, and do everything possible to stop his behavior for good.

    I am still giving our marriage another chance, I pray for strength, but believe there is still hope. Like many of you I sometimes wonder if I also have stupid written across my face, but I firmly believe in my marriage vows of for better or worse, but I don’t know if a relapse were to occur again how much more emotionally I could handle, However, we are currently discussing our future and he believes in order not to relapse again he needs a relationship with the other child. Although this will be very difficult in the beginning, I will support my husband and standby him, for if he has a relationship with her, of course I want to develop an emotional relationship with her as well and let her know her half sister.

    Although not communicated yet to the other woman we have both agreed that there can be no contact whatsoever between my husband and the other woman. That he would like weekly calls with his other daughter and a few visits a year but we will use some form of intermediary for all exchanges. If she will not accommodate this arrangement then I fear we will have to go to court to allow my husband these rights. I think it will come to this because the other woman has maintained a her or me attitude and used the innocent child as a lure to bring my husband back to her. I truly believe I can embrace this and the other child. I am very much struggling now with how to address the situation and introduce my child with the other child.

    Please if any of you have experience with this or any advise I would be very appreciative. Our daughter is 4 years old now, and very, very smart. The other child just turned 3. How do we introduce her half-sister. I know my daughter would be very accepting of the child as it would be a little girl to talk and play with, with similar interests, but I also know she will have tons of questions on why she has a sister, why she doesn’t live with us, how her half sister is 3 years old and she is 4 but she isn’t mommy’s daughter. I want my daughter to know that this isn’t a normal situation and going outside of marriage is wrong, but also don’t want any blame placed on the innocent, other child. Please, can anyone offer any advice? Also, for those of you that have accepted a child that is the result of your husband’s affair, how do you address others – friends and extended family, when they question the situation. What do you say, how do you handle it. Unfortunately we live in a small town and once this is out I’m sure it will be passed through the “rumor-mill” quickly. I know with God and family I can get through it but I would like to know how to handle to with grace and dignity. Thank you all soo much.

  27. What is best for a marriage is focus and fidelity to the spouse of that marriage and any children of that jurisdiction given to the MAN to lead .

    Children raised as God has directed FATHERS is their best chance at having a decent life having learned the wisdom and skill that arises from a godly upbringing and a morally strong character.

    Which choice does that apply to your situation?

    Can a man ‘father” a child born out of wedlock and parent them in all that God has set forth while ‘teaching by example’ his own ‘doctrine’ of life based upon his emotions and the godless society’s party line?

    What does the Bible say about ” the double minded man who is UNSTABLE in ALL HIS WAYS”?Will he be a godly and good influence upon any child?

    What did Jesus say about a man not being able to serve God and mammon…two masters…he will either hate the one and love the other.

    Many examples in scripture of men and women who tried to write their own code of ethics and the children are recorded as being the ones to suffer.

    From my study of the word over 46 years and having dealt with a man who refused to repent and reconcile TO GOD ….his decision based upon his emotions and his fear of MAN ….led to his eventually being taken little by little from his walk and his marriage and finally his own children by marriage because he was afraid society’ s humanist doctrine in regard to dead beat dads …would somehow define him if he did not take part in the lives of the two children he and the OW had because she wanted them..”

    She manipulated his emotions and ego by way of having them and then neglecting them …I agreed he needed to have a relationship with them to care for them with the priviso that he be careful of not only HER manipulation but the children as well ….

    They learned from their mom to “work”my husband until he has left our home…not divorced but remains very confused and miserable because he would not take the WQRD of GOD and the proper order of priorities set there to heart.

    Our family became LAST in his life first due to his career and then due to the OW and now to those kids.

    It is instructive to learn that all of his downfall came from not wanting to READ the WORD to be taught by the Lord how to live and love . He is still too proud and independent and he is actually teaching THOSE children by example to reject God and Christ and all things that would help them navigate through life by not doing what HE and their mother did.

    They have rejected Christ outright and my husband is taking them down the same path he has gone without any regard for anyone that he SAYS he loves and does not want to hurt.

    I am observing they would have been better off without his intruding since he will not stand up to the OW in his right s to father them but is now just a ‘weak ‘ self centered person using his relationship with them NOT for THEIR good but for his own ego,

    Lose Lose

  28. Whatever someone else is going through with a spouse caught in adultery ….prayer is our greatest leverage and All scripture is useful to keep us protected from falling into sin ourselves as satan will work through our emotions and if we do not guard our thoughts …equipping with the Word of God and by the Holy Spirit being granted understanding of how we must walk to please the Lord despite all efforts of the devil to entice us to fall into sins ….for we would be no different than those who have committed a specific sin if we do not contend within for the truth as well as without.

    Knowledge of the WORD ongoing and asking the Lord to lead us to understand what wisdom needs be applied to our walk …we will be equipped by enduring as we grow in patience for us to have this ….

    Romans 5:5 Therefore being justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ:

    2 By whom also we have access by faith into this grace wherein we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God.

    3 And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that TRIBULATION WORKETH PATIENCE;

    4 And patience, experience; and experience, HOPE:

    5 And HOPE MAKETH NOT ASHAMED;BECAUSE the love OF GOD is shed abroad in our hearts BY the Holy Ghost which is GIVEN unto us.

    6 For when we were yet without strength, in due time Christ died for the ungodly.

    7 For scarcely for a righteous man will one die: yet peradventure for a good man some would even dare to die.

    8 But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.

    9 Much more then, being now justified by his blood, we shall be saved from wrath through him.

    10 For if, when we were enemies, we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son, much more, being reconciled, we shall be saved by his life.

    Romans 6:6 Knowing this, that our old man is crucified with him, that the body of sin might be destroyed, that henceforth we should not serve sin.

    and…Romans 6:

    20 For when ye were the servants of sin, ye were free from righteousness.

    21 What fruit had ye then in those things whereof ye are now ashamed? for the end of those things is death.

    22 But now being made free from sin, and become servants to God, ye have your fruit unto holiness, and the end everlasting life.

    23 For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.

    With our Lord we are able to continue in faith for the sake of HIS glory and for salvations sake as we are commanded ….

    Rom 12:14 Bless them which persecute you: bless, and curse not.

    Heb 11:6 But without faith it is impossible to please him: for he that cometh to God must believe that he is, AND that he is a rewarder of them that diligently seek him.

    Romans 8:8 There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, WHO WALK NOT AFTER THE FLESH , but after the Spirit.

    2 For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus hath made me FREE from the LAW ….. of SIN and death.

    3 For what the law could not do, in that it was weak through the flesh, God sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh, and for sin, condemned sin in the flesh:

    4 That the righteousness of the law might be fulfilled in us, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit.

    5 For they that are AFTER the flesh do MIND the things OF the flesh; but they that are after the Spirit the things of the Spirit.

    6 For to be carnally minded is death; but to be spiritually minded is life and peace.

    7 Because the carnal mind is ENMITY AGAINST GOD: for it is NOT SUBJECT TO the law of God, neither indeed can be.

    8 So then they that are in the flesh cannot please God.

  29. I’m going through a very similar situation as many of the ladies described above. My husband and I have been married for 5 years and I discovered through email that he may have a 7 month old boy. I am so angry, hurt, and ashamed. We have 2 children of our own (8 & 2yrs old). I love my husband and want this to work. But I do not believe I can accept this child if it’s his. I am disgusted that he has not found out this is his child. He wasn’t there for the women during pregnancy–he’s never held this baby, only seen a few pictures that he quickly deleted. He couldn’t even tell me the boys name. The girl contacted me–thinking she was confessing but I had just found out a few days before. She states its been going on for 3 years off/on. She says she doesn’t love him and they were never in a “relationship” that it was just sex. He says the same. He says he wants his family and his wife. But then I discovered he had been talking to another woman –supposedly no sex even after that. He has cheated on me multiple times–and I can’t say it was sex but it was by emailing secretly other women. I am sick of feeling like I am second best and that I’m not enough for him. I am much stronger in my faith than he is. He has doubts about things but believes in God. He doesn’t pray–I do. I wondering if we are really unequally yoked and that I should have never married him in the first place. I’m embarrassed at the possible shame he has brought my family and myself. I grew up in shame–where my father had an affair with my mother’s sister. I grew up with people asking me if that’s my aunt or step-mom–if the kids where my cousins or step brothers (she already had kids–none w/ my father). I just feel like why God–why so much shame and hurt for me. I feel bad for being angry and questioning God but these are my true feelings and God knows my heart–so I cant fake it to Him. I do not want this to be my husband’s child, I do not want that child–and I know that kid is innocent. But how am I suppose to look at this kid, treat this kid equal to mine when I know what he was produced in. This is consuming me, I’m becoming mean, bitter, and hateful. I am crying out to God to help me–but I’m so confused in my thoughts that I don’t know if I will hear Him when He speaks. My husband states he wants to sign all rights over if this is his son and He doesn’t want to be involved. I’m shocked that he would even say this because he’s such a “family man” that wants to be a great dad. He’s excellent with out kids. I don’t know the man I married. I’ve said he should do what is right and take responsibility for his actions but I don’t want those actions to involve me or my kids. But i feel like if it is his–my kids deserve to know their sibling. I’m so confused right now. My heart is aching–I’m haunted by my thoughts, emotions, the emails I read, the things i imagine. I’m trying to see God–but i am so weak and broken right now–I don’t know what to do. I cannot trust the man i call my husband. Everything he says I think is a lie. He says he loves me and that he is praying–which he hasn’t done is a long time. But is he saying all of this because he knows how I feel about God. Is he faking it? Then I ask myself, am I suppose to bring him closer to God. Is this situation bigger than me. But when I say I don’t want it–i mean I don’t want this. I’m asking God–why does he have to get to you by destroying me. I’m trying to not lean on my own understanding. Please help. I need some Godly advice. How am I supposed to hear God through all this confusion?

    1. Dear BTW,

      What you are going through right now is no time for you to make a decision. It is a tough tsunmai of emotions that no one is ever prepared to deal with …even with many years of walking in the faith my own situation really threw me in ways I had not anticipated despite clinging to the Lord and searching how to deal with it in my ongoing study of the scriptures.

      It is difficult to trust anyone NOT stable in the Word since most people will be emotionally responding for what THEY feel for you . Not all preachers or therapists have the background and experience that you need right now despite how much you need some real help .

      Ultimately you find out how much you need to lean upon the Lord and His Word . While you crave a sympathetic ear ….most people do not have the wisdom of GOD for this situation through having studied it themselves in depth that is needed for perspective that are right on in terms of how the Lord will reveal it to you through time and healing .

      I wish I could say it gets easier …for me it only seems to be so when I am keeping my mind upon the Word …allowing my curiosity and hunger to learn how to deal with this by way of focus upon researching , doing word studies and then sharing whatever may come forth as I go out and people cross my path who I will concern myself with THEIR need for salvation or encouragement.

      This has not apparently done all that much in impact of my husband but then God does not force people to turn to Him and sometimes it takes TIME and their own need for a Savior or a recognition of their OWN NEED to be reconciled to the Lord.

      This sin has such overreaching consequences that people in the midst of it do not realize nor want to contemplate that when the light of exposure occurs they are shocked by their own reactions . This is NOT YOUR FAULT.

      It is the CHOICE the man who married you made due to his own lack of knowledge of his vulnerability to temptations …those which Jesus DID give instruction to husbands in how to guard their own love for their wives by protecting her from their flesh…to also protect clueless women who have grown up in this godless generation who know nothing about what marriage IS nor how it is sacred and must be honored and guarded.

      So now a child is the result of carelessness as well as sinful disregard for vows and values that would have protected you all . Sad.

      Here I am eight years later …still married with a husband whose confusion about what to do led him to move out rather than be considered a ‘dead beat day’ to the two children he PLANNED with the OW …this was a deeply wounding situation.

      God has given a husband the way to live in marriage …IT IS HIS FIRST earthly JURISDICTION.

      I got some good counsel from a man who I respect whose ministry deals with men …Equipping Men is a Seminar that teaches men some of the missing info that men have not gotten in our several generations where boys and men often times do not get the kind of father mentoring and manhood info that they need so badly .

      This man pointed out that the OW is responsible for the children that she urged my husband to give her despite the present humanist culture that tries to make everyone guilty of everyone else’s choices and pay the consequences! I was a bit surprised but the way I understand the biblical model of family is that the FATHER is the one who is responsible for his daughter UNTIL she marries …so the OW is actually under the jurisdiction of her father …biblically speaking.

      This has been usurped by the government today and man’s judicial social justice system.

      So social “Justice’ has won out in our case and my husband is now NOT being in the proper order of Godly jurisdiction and tending to his wife and family of the marriage covenant but he is fully departed to NOT the OW but to tend to the other children at the pain of loss of OUR children ..though adults now they have had the past several years taken off their course that this has caused in terms of every aspect of our lives.

      They do not want to have anything to do with the other children as their father has abandoned his wife and home and left them to take over much of HIS responsibilities with no apparent concern about it.

      As well HE is not able to really PARENT the other children as he has NO relationship with the mother who has raised them to hate Christianity and is a fully confessed communist and hard core feminist. He can only function as a ‘fair weather dad’ showing up to provide some money and maybe a lunch or two during the week. The OW does not work YET …but has gone back to school on a government grant for ‘single moms’ ! Even as she once made six figure working with my husband after their adultery began he hired HER!

      I love my husband but as you have said NOT the man he is being now and has become known to be to us . I am grieved for his seeming lack of being able to see how badly his effort to be the occasional ‘buddy /dad’ to these kids is , lacking in the real deal training them up to be morally equipped for life and knowing the Savior .

      Talk about working AGAINST the good! He has not seemed to notice the lives of our daughters who have had to deal with how to relate and meet new people their age in our new area where we moved and have to deal with his behavior AND his affection and seeming preference of care for the welfare of the other children …they feel not just abandoned but set aside despite his effort to ‘prove ‘ otherwise by making a ‘date’ with them once a week or less ….so it comes out ‘even’ …it never can.

      His choices have pretty much had the effect a betrayed and ‘replaced’ wife feels as you and I know the experience of this. The question they ask is why weren’t THEY ‘enough’ that he had to plan to have children with a woman who already stole most of their young lives as he went to ‘work’ and stayed there so late he often MISSED most of their childhood. This was something I addressed him often in a non threatening way to remind him that he would MISS their lives if he did not make time for them …and that I did not get married to be alone all the time …STUFF was nice but I always told him that I did not want him to work himself to death for us to have it all .

      It turns out he didn’t …he did it to be with HER and to rate with those who his career ‘depended on’ …I should have realized whenever he had some good news , that along with praising him I gave thanks to GOD …which was not unsual since I was in ministry before we married…and so was he …but now I wonder if it was just to get close to me…sigh ..we live and learn.

      I now realize how important the keeping IN the Word and intimate personal time with the Lord is one KEY for a person to protect their love for their spouse from being drawn away …many things occurred as he entered a new career path and one was he turned from fellowship with believers and from making sure I was on his schedule ….the ‘options ‘ in his position were too plentiful and offered a lot of relief from the relationship skills of married life and love.

      I am so so sorry for the pain you are presently in right now …I wish I could tell you that it goes away fast …but it takes time …and if your husband is really sorry and is genuinely desiring a reconciliation then I pray he will follow through ..Prayer is what you need right now for we hope in the Lord no matter whatever else happens in this world.

      I hope you have some support that is godly and encouraging and in favor of marital reconciliation…One thing that my own husband did say was he wanted our marriage to work and he was sorry but he did not have the character to endure what I was going through …despite the fact that I was struggling to overcome ..His refusal to reveal all …and my state of trauma only increased with his ‘trickle truth’ way of coming clean ..which he has not as yet.

      I had to seek to learn…but not stalking or hiring anyone …I went to a therapist and frankly it was so I could talk it out…the man probably learned more from my sharing of what the Word said interspersed with my grief and story than I got from him….my husband went separately at first and slept mostly through his own sessions.

      Hiding truth is not useful …but those who cheat have a habit and have rationalized that the information is too much for the betrayed…they are wrong ….they need to speak up and need to repeat whatever you want to know …but be aware what you learn you cannot UNknow. Ask with caution.

      I hate to be lied to …my mom made this one of the main lessons of my life even though I was not raised beyond freshman year in any church going …still honesty is so HUGE in my life that to be lied to and to continue to have my husband keep his life separate and secret is a very big deal for me.

      He refuses to acknowledge that the efforts he is making to suit HIMSELF in how to deal with his sin and to ‘father’ the children he had are not the way GOD has set forth a husband is to treat his wife or how a man is to parent his children. Under the present circumstances he has not made the effort to train those kids to avoid thinking sexual sin of this kind is wrong ..and the school system is not helping with that …

      I just found out also I have an STD …and it was only from HIM …so I had to inform him and caution him to try to tell any OW he knew about him being a carrier….don’t know where he got it but it was not from ME . I also told him that he should try to instruct the kids ..as they are now older and need to know that STD s are a real possibility when a person has sex with more than one person.

      I home-schooled our children and they are remaining chaste until marriage by their own realizing the way GOD actually has given us how to protect our hearts and bodies from damage and from using other people …Sad their dad did not care to heed this …the world is full of dark influences that aim to destroy families and what better way than to have men who do not want to mature and learn how to be faithful …to keep themselves from the destructive deceptions that about through media, music and various aspects of our godless culture.

      I was a professional musician who lived through the 60’s I am no prude but I got wise when I came to the Lord and I have observed enough debauchery and the consequences to last anyone a lifetime…all the more reason that my coming to Jesus Christ made a great impact upon me and caused me to want to learn how to share with people HOW to avoid the dangers of the snares of sinful indulgence.

      My husband scoffed at all of this once he got a taste of corporate sin…and sadly NO ONE mattered enough to him to keep himself from it….Not God , not me , not our kids….and the OW was complicit in this and confessed so much in the email I found …

      Due to my husband’s thinking he MUST be IN the other children’s lives rather than do the submitting to God and asking Him to forgive and instruct Him …and the hard work of enduring some of the tough aspects of what this did to me emotionally …[it does take time …triggers are going to occur and no one knows what or when…something you and your husband should realize …it is how our system deals with the shock to our nerves and minds’ …my husband chose to run from this …instead of being supportive.]

      His desire for ‘fun’ and ‘freedom’ was greater than his form of regret and sorrow for what he has done to me and to all …He has chosen presently self exile which is what he has said he has ‘always wanted’

      I caution myself as well as others …all who cheat mouth the same words..that is because they have been accepting THOUGHTS that come from the father of lies as Jesus told us ..the Devil who is not original …People who do not evaluate their thoughts as the Lord told us to do by way of comparing HIS word with what the thought is …are going to accept as their own …thoughts intruding into their minds due to them being OPEN to them …and then they act upon them …

      The way scripture puts it is ‘ Casting down imaginations and every high thing that holds itself UP AGAINST the knowledge of GOD and TAKE CAPTIVE EVERY THOUGHT to the obedience of Christ”

      That takes the desire to live by the Truth …Jesus is the truth ..and the Bible is His word.

      That takes discipline to train oneself to do so .

      The motive ..is love for GOD for what HE has given us…through the life , death and resurrection of Jesus Christ….through His love we are given freely of the bread of life.

      To enter into the walk after Christ involves a change of IDENTITY from natural man to saved man …from being our ‘own ‘ to being HIS as HE has brought us with the price of His blood and paid our debt of sin in full which we had no ‘coin’ with which to purchase such a great gift…A GIFT

      So if your husband can make the decision to serve the Lord with all His heart…all his soul …all his mind and all his strength then he will soon learn that the priority of marriage is as GOD set forth in the Garden of Eden ….leave your father and mother ..a change of priorities …that means GOD first and WIFE first and no others….not even a woman who has conceived a child from his sperm!

      His jurisdiction upon marriage was to make YOU the only woman of his life and to love you as Christ loved the Church and GAVE HIMSELF for HER!

      We love GOD because HE first loved US ..that is the protocol of marriage …the man initiates …GOD will provide for that child ..and perhaps as you pray for him that child will have a godly father instead of the arrangement he is now in by no fault of his own .

      God sees the situation …but we are called to put GOD and HIS word /will first …and HIS righteousness….Serving GOd means paying attention to HIS ORDER.

      Few know this now as Humanism and social justice have taken the place of God’s truth and that means chaos and confusion and a great loss to all who depart from the hope that is in Christ to turn to the things of this world and lose their own soul

      May you face this trial with courage as strengthens with might in the inner man making God your refuge and your counselor in all things for HIS glory and namesake ..it is indeed a crucible and a defining moment for you all …He is wisdom to those who seek Him.

      It is not always easy to see this as the best reality of all but it is something to contemplate as you go through this trial…God does allow trials but not temptations ..the devil likes to come along in the midst of a trial and tempt us to go by our feelings and the world’s ‘solutions’ rather than endure with hope and faith while seeking the way we should go by His word….

      Jas 4:7 Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.

      The way to ‘submit’ is to know HIS word….it is our armour and equipping so that we are able to endure and having done all to stand….during the ‘heat’ of trials .

      As for me …presently it seems the truth of my state is this … …

      Col 3:3 For ye are dead, and your life is hid with Christ in God.

      All is not lost ..for we have access to the “tree of life’ who is Jesus Christ…HE is our HOPE!

      Pro 13:12 Hope deferred maketh the heart sick: but when the desire cometh, it is a tree of life.

      May you hope in Him while you grieve and find comfort in all that the Lord will demonstrate as you hold on to your expectations of His working through all things for His glory and all of those who trust in Him…good.

      Hugs dear one….

      1. Thank you so much for your comment/words of encouragement. Everyday is a roller coaster of emotions for me. I was a little surprised by your discussion about the OW being the responsibility of her father. I guess I’m wondering because of this does it mean she is suppose to raise her and possibly my husband’s son alone? I say possibly because we still have to establish paternity. She tells me she is positive this is my husband’s son but she is hesitant on getting the paternity established. I want to know–I don’t want this hanging over our head if we do make it through this. I’m surprised that a lot of the other women are okay with the other child and wanting to be a “step mother” to the child. As I said before, I know the child is innocent but am I wrong to not want contact with the child? I feel like if this is his child, the child is a constant reminder of my husband’s affair. And I know that everyday is a constant reminder, but knowing that money will leave our household to care for this child doesn’t sit well with me. The OW called me and stated this was not a relationship and she knew about me and this was just sex. I mean who does this? Who aides in ruining someone’s marriage just because–for a “nut”. I’m not excusing my husband’s involvement in this situation–it takes two–i know that. I’m utterly disgusted with him. The shame he has brought our family is unimaginable. I find myself looking an the OW Facebook page to see if she looks happy because I feel so unhappy. I deleted the pictures I had of the boy because I felt like I was torturing myself looking at them all day. The OW called me and said her household is “good” and they are happy but she just wanted to inform me because she didn’t think it was right I didn’t know. Well excuse me–could you have informed me 3 years ago–or better yet could you have never slept with my husband knowing I existed. OW had the nerves to tell me not to take the kids away from him. I’m thrown back that she could even utter any request from me. I wouldn’t take the kids away from my husband–my kids adore their father and they are so young they have no clue of his short-comings. I am trying to stay in the Word and look to Christ for comfort, wisdom, and strength. This feeling, I feel is worse than when I lost my mother. I guess because I lost my mother through sickness and not betrayal. Lord help me! He is the only one I know to cry out to.


  30. my husband of 19 years just had a son a week ago, we think. biological refuses paternity test she claims she knows who she had sex with. My husband feels like until paternity is established he does not have any additional children. i would like them to get over themselves and do what is best for child. we drafted a parenting agreement and the biological did not accept it.Since she did not accept it when we tried to be ammicable, my husband refuses to pay for test or sign anything. he will give a sample. my problem is that I no longer want to hurt and i want to embrace my role as a step parent and begin bonding with child. I can not fully embrace my role if i am not sure and she doesnt establish paternity. The real dilema is this: I will not just pay for it myself against my husbands wishes and she is willing to simply play out, and when she realizes that she does need help we wont be therenas much as it hurts,she will have to establish paternity for support. unfortunately an undetermined amount of time would have lapsed and any chance of a bond with baby is damaged. AND we will not pay 20% of his income to her and still have to take care of baby. 750 per month is too high, and more than she even spends to support the baby that she wanted. we offered her 500. long story, still long….. when she begins the process to take us to the bank, we begin the full custody battle. as a mother i dont want to take her only child from her but we can honestly support him withouther help, we already have two adult sons of our own, she has a history of domestic violence and cant even sustain her own living expenses. we will never deny her any rights to her child. She and I are speaking again but she doesnt speak to my husband and i willnot do what both of them should be doing for them. My husband son is my son. I forgave them both and i want to bond with the baby now. He will never feel like he belongs if we continue down this path. It is not my child, for sure. Im ready to love him like they are not and there is really nothing i can do. help! pray!repeat! please!

    1. how dare you take a child away from a mother due to $ –your husband fucked around on you and was disloyal to you—he is the dirt bag and you the one with NO self respect taking him back. his mother deserves your $ thats what happens when you husband has another family take all of the issues

      1. Hi this is Cindy–one of the authors here at Affaircare. I want to be clear here. I approved the above comment because it is relevant to the discussion of children born of adultery, not because I necessarily “agree” with the concepts expressed.
        I believe when a spouse commits adultery, that spouse is the one who was disloyal (not the Affair Partner who had no obligation to anyone in the marriage). But when an Affair Partner (AP) CLAIMS that a child was a result of an affair…then it is quite reasonable for the Disloyal Spouse (DS) to ask for confirmation via paternity test, because guess what? People who are willing to get involved in adultery have demonstrated that they are willing to lie in order to get what they want…both the AP and DS!! So it is well within reason that the AP is lying just as it is within reason that the DS is lying!! Thus, paternity would need to be established in order for there to be financial obligation.

        Once paternity IS established, and financial obligation is established, that would also mean that equal parental rights would need to be established. You see, “the mother” does not automatically get full primary custody and “the father” just pays her because she said it was him. If she’s already demonstrated her willingness and ability to lie via being involved in an affair, she may just as likely lie about who else she slept with in order to try to trap a man. And if she is telling the truth, yes THE CHILD is absolutely due the support of both parents, but the child would also be due the time and involvement of both parents. So she can’t have it both ways: 100% of the time with the child but also 100% of the financial support due to the child. In real life, in the court of law, both parents would get time with the child and both parents would share and financially contribute to the upbringing of the child.

      2. It is apparent from both your response and choice of words that you have chosen to not accept any responsibility for the choices you have chosen for both yourself and child.

        Your response and attack on the “chosen wife” indicates that in some way you blame the wife as the barrier between your happiness with an “unobtainable” man and the child you chose to have. There is never “another” family, the only family is the one brought before God and is within the covenant. A man can never have a family with another woman once he already has a wife. He could have what seems like a family but let us first look at what a family is:

        Husband & Wife = Children

        anything outside of this (not including) extended family such as grandparents, aunts and uncles are not considered to be what God intended as “family”.

        God brought Adam and Eve together and established the basis for the family. This basis is a man and a woman. Even though Adam and Eve did not have parents, God instituted at that time the principle that a man and woman would depart from their parents and family unit to begin a new family unit.

        The reason why no other family member or outside individuals apart from God were involved in the first marriage symbolises the leaving of the parents and the two joining to become one.

        I know this would be difficult for you to both digest and accept because then you would have to acknowledge and own that what you have done is unlawful and illegal in Gods eyes.

        My prayer for you is that you forgive yourself for any sin that you have committed and know that God has also forgiven you. And that you forgive yourself for the choices you have made for your innocent child.

        It is easy to see the wife as the perpetrator and your enemy but in truth the wife has never stepped out of her position whilst it was you who tried to step into hers.

        Let us not forget the role the Husband has played in these car wrecks, however I feel as women we have a deeper responsibility in both deciding and choosing the standard to which our children are brought into this world, for that standard unfortunately allows and in many cases paves the way of a life of pain, rejection, devalue and an entourage of demonic and emotional strongholds that can bind children for life.

        In all things we must afford ourselves a position of peace even if it comes through pain, by seeking truth and moving towards a right standing that will strengthen us. Because a time will come either through the questioning of the child, family members, relatives or God himself where we all will need to hold up our hands and stand accountable.

        Peace be with you.

  31. Dear BTW

    I know the anguish you feel…The thing I spoke of is the way that God had originally set up the family and the jurisdictions .of responsibility as distributed to the husband …for his wife…and the children born …then if he died the extended family took up the care …but if not the church in the days we are in now .However this does not apply today because people do not seem to know or care about learning if and what GOD has prepared for the ORDER in society let alone family.

    There are generations now born that don’t have any foundation as the Bible tells us ..the apostles and prophets with Jesus Christ the chief cornerstone..the ROCK upon which all of life is to be built upon ..sadly. Those in churches or just newly come to the saving faith of Jesus Christ have to wade literally through a ton of traditions of men and other things added into the plain reading of the Word.

    It is up to each to do so ..to seek out the Word and put it on and then walk in it.

    Marriages fall apart a good deal from lack of knowledge of what God gives for the protection of the love and the relationship of marriage and society and even churches do little to help …

    It is so difficult for you to think of this right now …give yourself some time…nothing must be done right away …emotions are high.

    I am probably not going to be popular about this and we did not follow this but I think that women who take on getting between a married couple are not just foolish and ignorant as some are but SOME are arrogant and full of themselves even as the culture has encouraged them. They do not realize the immense blessing and honor as well as responsibility of raising a child…and feminist dogma has spurred them on with indoctrination in order to fragment families.

    That SHE CALLED you is really brazen and then to try to be an “advocate’ for your husbands sake ! That is simply another form of an attitude of control and believing SHE knows what is best ..for all! What gall!

    I know it is a spirit that she is under the influence of because sin darkens the mind and it becomes filled with all kinds of lying thoughts and justifications from the Father of lies…they all are the same …Those who enter into this sin especially for any length of time do not realize they are ‘food’ for the demons that use them , arousing their flesh.

    Sexual lust is NEVER satisfied because it is not LOVE ..it is driven…God’s intent for sexual intercourse was totally a different experience that people do not know when all they have known is flesh…and fleshly living

    Of course Hollywood knows nothing of it…and few today know unless they have lived with the knowledge of the truth of the Word in their relationships…and that is indeed a rarity.

    That is not to say it cannot be done or reconciled…

    I think a husband has enough to do to love his wife as the Lord directs….and if he does he will be too busy to have any infidelities…but he has to be steadfastly intent …it is a war and men especially are drawn into struggles because the devil HATES marriage…it brings forth godly children ..Malachi..

    The point of parenting is to raise up a child within the godly marriage …that is the setting that is not just ‘good’ but as we see around us ..essential..society is falling apart due a lot because of family less experiences children grow up in …I say not just ‘fatherless’ but ‘family less’ ….both a husband and wife AS parents of the one flesh covenant…but then we hear little of that from the Humanist systems today …

    Your situation is something that the systems at work delight in …sadly but Jesus Christ will work it out for HIS glory as long as you stay together and work through together…and let the ‘spare ‘ third wheel deal with it.

    I know that sounds cold but until your husband is fully detached and fully focused upon the work of reconciling HIS MARRIAGE …he will have little to offer anyone he wants to mentor.

    A continued contact with the OW will eat away and hinder if not fully destroy your marriage…it is still a lingering mental image and as Jesus said ..even looking upon a woman and lusting in the heart is sin ..what you think about interferes with what is called for in the marriage…Fresh reminders will not help that.

    I know at least for my own situation , I asked my husband to take time to deal with this and he decided it was too ‘hard’ …so much for ‘doing hard things’ and ‘deny yourself, take up your CROSS and follow me” as Jesus told those who desired to follow HIM

    We live in a time where people want to redefine everything and especially anything from God’s Word INCLUDING the Word itself…It is called ‘rebranding’ or ‘reimaging” ..it is satanic…at the root…

    I have spent 46 years studying to find out what is going on in the world and in our culture that has been bringing about this current mess of a world …it is sin ..but more in our private lives it is neglect and rejection of the Word of GOD and Jesus Christ…for generations little real teaching has put this on the front burner…sorry I guess I am ‘preaching’ now …but it is horrifying how much has been stolen as we have bought the lies that flood our media and not taken everything under the scrutiny of the Word of GOD.

    Churches are many of them filled with doctrines of demons ,..new age and Gnostic fables…no wonder the churches are many of them indistinguishable from the world..!

    I will have to get back to you …I have been at this all day and it has been a long one but I know how much you hurt…and I pray that you will lean upon the most reliable One I know….and stay upon HIM …

    Hugs for your comfort! …
    PS not ignoring anyone else …just my arm hurts from typing all day …maybe later get back here….

    1. Lovey,
      Thank you for replying. I find myself reading every word you post frequently and waiting for you to post something else that might provide some insight to me. I’m trying to stay sting and seek God on this but I can’t help the overwhelming feeling of wanting to escape all of this and just leave. It feels like I’m left to deal with the consequences of their affair. I Wonder do they fret over the things I do. I hear you and understand the word on the design of s family. But I can’t help feeling that it won’t be fair to that child. But I can’t help feeling like I don’t want to be forced to accept the child. And I know many will say the child is innocent but reality is this child was conceived in a situation that has brought me so much pain, confiusuon, and anger. I’m angry for my children who will be forced to live with this. The only way I know to prevent myself from a forced “step-mom” is to leave this marriage. I know that is what the devil desires. But why do I have to stay with a man who didn’t think much of me and my children to keep his vow. I wanted another child. Now I dont. I don’t want to have another kid when he’s already had one with someone else. We will have to financially support this child so that is less for me and my children. I know that sounds greedy but I never planned this. I never asked him to have a child outside of our marriage. Now I must deal with it. If I stay I suffer the same consequences he does. How is that fair for me and my children. I’m not naive enough to think life is fair but how did I become responsible for his actions, especially when they were to deceive and hurt me. My mind is constantly wondering and imagining things. I’m trying to stay focused for my kids sake. For the sake of my health and sanity. Sometime I feel like this is getting the best of me. Sometimes I feeli like Lord you have underestimated my strength. I feel weak. Weak in my spirit. The fleshly me doesn’t want to see the purpose or plan of this. I’m angry. Im hurt. I feel in disparity. God help me!

  32. The mentality demonstrated by poster ” The Cheater” is not surprising…language choice as well.

    In truth …anyone who makes a choice to enter into another person’s marriage is lacking in understanding of what SIN is.

    Sin damages even those who may believe that it is NOT ‘their bad’ …sin is contrary to life. It steals , kills and destroys LIFE …no matter how much ‘fun’ or “consent ‘ of those who decided to do whatever THEY want to do ..despite the damage it does to themselves or others.

    Many today think it is only the errant spouse who commits a sin because they were the ones that VOWED…true enough …but there is also the warning that sex of any kind outside of the marriage covenant brings about trauma, sorrow, damage and ultimately sin causes DEATH …sooner or later …not just of the body but of the soul….

    Any woman who justifies to herself that the wife must have not been a good , loving and sexually satisfying spouse does not acknowledge the way a man is supposed to love his wife and protect her and his children from his own lust and greed.

    Any woman who decides that she is entitled to indulge her lust is sadly mistaken that it does not do harm to her …or to those who are kept in the dark by lying . Cheating STEALS from the wife and family the time and focus a man needs to do for HIS OWN satisfaction. If he is not satisfied with his wife then it is HE who has a lot to learn about how marriage and love works to satisfy those who are devoted to their own integrity…keeping their word and themselves only to the woman they CHOSE and then VOWED before GOD and his family and friends to remain faithful only unto her until death do them part.

    Women who are thinking they are getting what the wife did not appreciate are deceived. Why do they think getting involved with a man who is weak and willing to lie , and steal from his wife and family the time and energy and honesty they trust from him as a “prize”!??? How hard up are these women?

    Do they not realize that a man who will do such a thing has no more regard for them who they see as a ‘freebee’ and easy mark because she is too pitiful and has too little self esteem and self regard to keep her standards high …and wait for a man who has integrity?

    A man who takes advantage of a woman who is ‘willing’ to be his ‘fling thing’ is fooling herself …men who cheat know what they are looking for …vulnerable, and love starved women are an easy mark for a man who wants a “little something on the side’ They DO NOT RESPECT or LOVE any woman willing to ‘wait’ or just be available for a booty call.

    Do you really believe that it is some kind of talent to be a “side dish’ only used for sex and maybe a few ‘laughs’ and what happens when your carefully planned career as a ‘mistress’ loses it’s glamour or never had what Hollywood images fail to come true?

    The woman who wanted this kind of dubious’ glamorous career as a mistress is now 50 and looking down the road of a long , cold, lonely …and sadly ugly life …and she cannot blame my husband or any of the men she has DECIDED to get involved with to break up their families to make herself feel of some value.

    I am not excusing the men by any means…not even…I am saying too many young women see this kind of activity as promoted by media as an ‘option’ and rather a cool pastime rather than be married and be a ‘traditional’ wife and mother and it is a rip off ..and even some of the early fems have woken up to find that their daydreams of the glories of ‘freedom’ and being a single woman without any more connections in depth than the male commitment phobic counterparts …it is a dead end and a sad one for them.

    There is not value in giving away the love that really only was ‘lust’ and went on to bring about a life of hit or miss ‘arrangements’ that even may have led to children who then get to have to accept the sinful arrangement justified because OTHERS are doing it.

    The wonderful outcome of my husband’s fantasy that this was something he COULD DO because it was glamourous and the woman was not interested in marriage nor minded that he was married and would never leave me and our children has left her with two children, no man ,…and no real future of a real relationship. She is very intelligent but now pretty used up .

    My husband regrets his choices and his life of destructive , but considered wonderful life by other ‘successful” degenerates which he NEVER dreamed he would become …

    Our children …are healing slowly …but this will always be a blot on their lives …no matter their own active and intentional keeping a high moral attitude and life plan.

    I got the prize …an incurable STD….the gift that keeps on giving.

    So the financials also suffered dramatically and I do not feel at all badly for the woman who has been provided for by us …despite the fact that we are both older and money is tighter than when the ‘good times rolled’ !

    These two created what used to be a Hollywood fantasy for themselves and bought the lie that it would not hurt anyone as long as no one found out…but then I DID …by accident.

    My husband is very intelligent…despite the obvious stupidity that has resulted in his ‘giving ‘ the woman two children because she told him he used up her childbearing years and wanted to become a SINGLE MOM BY CHOICE.

    So she got what SHE wanted at the expense of my husband , me , our three children , those two children…and all other people that they lied to in business and family and friends.

    SO there are NO innocent infidels…but many who are going to deal with THEIR choices for a very long time….

    SO ‘party on’ ???? Please …not on MY family…thank you very much…

    Still married 34 years …because marriage is til DEATH ..do us part ..in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, for better or worse….

    I’ve been there BEFORE the richer, better, and healthy and I am STILL here for the WORST ….but the other woman …????? not so much.

    I don’t call that ‘lame’ I call it loyalty, honor, and integrity…something our children may learn from me ..if not anyone else…certainly the other children will not learn this from the adulteress….

  33. Hello, My name is Tina. Last year around the end of Sept 2013 I found out that my husband had committed adultery with a young women. This woman saw me one day and told me who she was and pointed to a small maybe (4-month old baby) stating that this child belongs to my husband. Well to make a long story short I ran home and packed up all my things and left my husband while he was at work, that day he came home to an empty house. I ran to my mother’s house and he tried to see me but I did not speak with him because I was ao emotinally devasated. A few hours later he called me and I talked with him over the phone. I was so hurt and shocked and very angry. He told me that yes he had an affair with her and the baby could possibly be his. He said how sorry he was and how he would die if I left him for good and he didn’t want me to leave him, he pleaded with me over and over again not to leave him. A few days went by and we talked and I told him I forgave him but he would have to rebuild my trust for him, and he said he would. He even talked to our 14 year old son about him committing adultery and how sorry he was and he wanted us to remain a family. Our son has forgiven him. I am so thankful to God for his grace and mercy that he has shown to my family. But the hardest part in all this is this child that belongs to my husband. I am so torn about if we should have a relationship with this child. I know how terrible it can for a child to not grow up with their father and deep in my heart I dont want this child to have to suffer. So right now the child has turned 1 years old and has never met her father and we have absolutely NO contact with the mother of the child. But I need some advice on how to “open the door” for this child to come into our lives. There have been many times that I want to have nothing to do with this child but yet I feel in my heart that maybe the Lord is saying he wants this child to be apart of our lives. I am so torn about this…one minute I want to do this, allow her into our lives but then again when I think about it I dont want her in our lives. Were Christians, have many friends and family who don’t even know about this affair my husband had. I am still hurting from this affair as well and I know I am definitely not healed completely from it. But yet sometimes my heart goes out to his child and I want her to be with us. I saw a picture of this child and I said to myself I could love this child and even raise her but I am not sure how to do this. The mother of the child is young and not that mature. I was thinking of maybe asking her if we could adopt the child. I love my husband so much and I just feel since she is apart of him I could love her too.
    I guess what I am asking you(you all) is that when do you heal from something like this and how can you move on and embrace a child that comes from an adulterous affair?

    Please, please help me, I want whats best for everyone.

  34. When we are in such a position …I believe that it is wise to listen to the Lord . Making decisions by emotion or even the world’s ideas fall short and often interfere with how God will take up the situation.

    Prov 3:5 Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.
    6 In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.
    7 Be not wise in thine own eyes: fear the Lord, and depart from evil

    You may not be the one to make this decision.

    According to the scriptures your husband’s jurisdiction is his own wife….looking at Genesis Adam was to keep God and his wife FIRST even to the setting aside the priority of who he was to regard first before marriage ..Parents.

    After the wife all things were under the order of how God directs a husband in relationships. His own wife and that relationship is to be his first priority and focus. All other things including the children of the MARRIAGE come after the wife.

    In a family the children of the marriage covenant come before all others …

    Today people think more like the world . God has care for those who are without family. The woman who had a child out of wedlock with a married man would be still in the jurisdiction of her father …A father is to take responsibility for the provision and protection of his daughter UNTIL she MARRIES …if she is unmarried then it is her father’s responsibility.

    HE should have protected her by way of instruction in the word…many have not known or cared to learn this very important aspect of parenting ..fathering.

    Your husband may have produced a child by his sperm but the young woman made the decision to get involved with a married man . She may not be “mature enough” or prepared to be a parent yet what will she allow you to become in the child’s life and what will continued contact with HER do to your marriage.

    A man cannot continue to have his heart divided which I don’t see how he could not under the circumstances. A house divided against itself cannot stand. A double minded man is unstable in all his ways . If he intends to mend your marriage he may underestimate the complications that having this child , who is a constant reminder of his sin to you and to him …despite the forgiveness you both have spoken of .

    There is a lot of mending to be considered here. Only you two are going to be able to think this through …for your marriage sake and for not only the child of the adultery but your own children.

    God may provide a good home for the child but if the child is one year old the mother may not agree to your adoption and also staying out of the mix …are you ready for that? There is a reason that Abraham was told to listen to his wife who was being vexed by Hagar and her son. God regarded Issac as Abraham’s ONLY son ..

    Today we have all kinds of deformed ideas of marriage …what do you want to do in your marriage …glorify the Lord by being one flesh and obedient to how that is to be lived out…or compromise because of your romantic ideas of what the society may have worked into your imagination?

    Adoption into a stable marriage and family is difficult enough …how will you all glorify the Lord while navigating this situation and working through the things that have led to this sinful adulterous choice? May you pray hard in an unselfish way to determine what is best for the child.

    I know you are brokenhearted and your emotions are raw and many ideas seem possible for you to reach out …just make sure you are offering a stable and healed parenting environment .

    Most who have had this kind of challenge know it takes work and time at it to reconcile the marriage relationship ….Think hard before you try to sit on that fence.

    Hugs for your healing ..prayers too .

  35. Psa 68:6 God setteth the solitary in families: he bringeth out those which are bound with chains: but the rebellious dwell in a dry land.

  36. Thank you for your reply, Lovey. Thank you so much. I forgot to mention that my husband did lie to the OW and told her he was single so all along she thought he was a single man until she had to get a paternity test and I guess someone told her that they knew he was a married man. But I truly believe that you are right. Our marriage needs to be healed and the environment in my home has to be stable because right now I am on an emotional roller coaster. I have forgiven him over a year ago, but yet there are still times that I just can’t take it and I want to leave him. He consoles me and repeatly says that he is sorry. He has shown great remorse in all this. You mentioned the scripture about Abraham sending Hagar away and God identifying Issac as his ONLY son. When this all happened that scripture has been on my mind alot too. I think right now what I am going to work on is or what WE are going to work on is OUR marriage. We never did get much counseling when this happened I was too ashamed and embarrassed and he was too. We only told our pastor at the time and he said we could come in for marriage counseling but we never did. I am not comfortable with our pastors but I will find someone to help us. We tried to do it on our own but it is a year later and I hurt just as bad…like it happened yesterday.
    You are right when you said am I really ready to have contact with this OW if we wanted to have an relationship with this child and I am definitely not ready to have contact with her at all. I thought I was or I thought that would be the “christian thing to do” to accept this child into our lives but when I think about it, right now the child is a reminder of my husband’s sin. It hurts so bad just knowing that he did this but through much prayer and some wise Christian counseling I do think we can make it. Thank you…

    1. Dear Tina,

      I just completed a very long post in reply to The Cheater’s wife…sorry I get so long winded …it is awaiting examination by the owner of this blog ..understandable and I respect their doing so .

      My situation is a bit different than yours …my husband and the adulteress made an agreement that they would have their relationship despite her knowing he was married and would never leave me and our family, due to his claim that he ‘loved ‘ us !

      She and he decided to have two children.

      By the time I found out he had already had a seven year relationship with the children …and the woman.

      After I found out he vowed he was sorry and was going to disconnect from the woman …but the sticking point was the children who now already knew him. Knowing my husband I know the other woman also knew he would be unable to disconnect from those children . Even after he told her they were finished he told her he wanted to continue in their lives. I had not denied they needed a father but in my view with all of the study I continued to do in the Word regarding marriage and family from God’s point of view …any contact with her was going to deter our healing.

      Also I did tell him that he should take time to become reconciled to the Lord and to work through things with me and our family . He was doing that for a time until she called him to inform him that the youngest child , then 3 was diagnosed with an illness . I found out about it online and informed him because at that time I asked him if he would want to be in contact for the child’s sake …He did not tell me that SHE had called to tell him about this before hand and HE TOLD ME that he would not contact.

      Two years down the line in our going to seminars and counseling he confessed that he had continued to have contact but that he had no relationship with the mom.

      All of my generosity and thoughtful concern for the children was not viewed as anything but once again my husband determined to lie and keep a secret life.

      I had agreed for the sake of the children that they ‘needed a father” but I also said that if he was going to effect their lives in a good way that he needed a relationship with the Lord and to teach them how to avoid such sinful traps . He refused to do that after he gave the oldest a copy of Proverbs 1 with the idea they could read it together the mother who is atheist and self confessed communist flew into a rage and told him he was never to do that again.

      So you see …the man and father is to lead and train his children up in the nurture and admonition of the Word …and not to violate their conscience by causing them to accept what is sinful as ‘normal’ and ‘ok’!~

      They are also not to generate sinful feelings and emotions among the children of his marriage which this of course did challenge even our adult children raised in the Word.

      Not all jealousy is bad jealousy but is part of God’s character in terms of being protective of HIS people and His ways.

      Fathers and people in general are not to provoke others to anger.

      My husband was manipulated by the other woman not through HER attractiveness so much as by his concern for those children’s welfare. We paid way over the amount any court would demand and more than we could afford frankly.

      She did not work and did not provide food for them so that they would call our home and ask him to bring the food …when she left the 6 year old home alone without anyone else he would call my husband to come and bring him food!.

      This was not a woman unskilled as she once had made a 6 figure income, but she knew my husband would not allow those children to suffer and so he was ‘hooked’ into the mess by her constant creating some form of crisis. My husband revealed this to me as we had at one time been able to talk through some of this .

      Since that time he finally could not stand the life that he felt demanded him to give ‘equal time’ and ‘energy and resources to both ‘families’ so he left our home and only involves himself in the most superficial ways to our children …and to the other children. As for me he continues to supply our financial support but does not want any real contact with me unless it is a practical aspect of maintaining our home for me and our two daughters.

      The society that view everyone being ‘entitled’ to a ‘fair share’ at any cost has wrought this kind of dynamic and it has proven to be destructive to all ..including the children of the adultery which had at the beginning been part of an agreement by the two of them that he would supply the sperm for her to become a ‘single mom by choice’ due to his having ‘used up her youthful opportunities to have another man!

      Yes it is insane but I have the emails to prove that this was indeed their arrangement with her fully having ‘accepted’ that he was married with a family he loved an would not leave us!

      Even her parents thought my husband was a ‘great guy ‘ and approved of their relationship and children! I do not doubt this had a lot to do with my husband’s past prosperity and position in his career. Foul parents bred a foul child who again has repeated the whole thing!

      My husband is sadly impotent in the raising of those children not being actually IN their lives and having only told them that he and their mother ‘hurt a lot of people’ . The oldest is now 15 and sadly I will have to say that what I told him has indeed come to pass.

      It is not just MY opinion but when GOD speaks it is HIS truthful instruction in HOW to avoid sin and the consequences. All of my husband’s career and extended family do not know this info since I wanted HIM to be the one to tell of himself for integrity and self respect sake. I told him I will NOT be the one to ‘out him’.

      Some feel this is wrong but this is what I have come to decide presently. There is always time to tell but once told it cannot be taken back. He needs to do it and to come to the place of seeing how to become a man of integrity and truth.

      The sorrow his children have even as adults is huge. They were raised in their own faith and study of the Word. They have integrity and this man who used to be the image of integrity is a low blow that Satan enjoys bringing about when men fail to keep their integrity.

      The other children do not know the cost of their parents choices and being raised in various pagan curriculum and present day immorality they will suffer the lack of a father even as they ‘have’ the biological father ‘in’ their lives.

      When a man refuses to acknowledge the sinful ways that GOD would provide instruction and correction for ..and decides to once again go at his life by his flesh and carnal intellect ..according to the world ‘s ways …it is no better than to continue in the sin he once was involved in. Sin is sin.

      Breaking his vows of the marriage covenant is not just in his adultery but as Jesus said it is a matter of the HEART ..the mind which substitutes the world ‘s counsel for the Word of GOD.

      Be aware of counselors and friends who may love you who also do not have the credentials of faith in the Lord to offer sound wisdom . Their love for you and their desire to help you not have so much pain or their concern for the baby of this adultery may influence their advice . The only way I know to go is with the Lord and His Word ..anything that is not in line with what the Bible has to say is going to be a sandy foundation…

      I have taken the past eight years to learn as much as I could from putting my own eyes on the pages and asking the Lord to help me sort through so many volumes of advice offered to hurting spouses of this violation.

      I also know that only allowing GOD to have the first and last word is really going to impact a life that desires to follow Him and live within HIS care.

      My husband decided it was too much work and too hard to do that …I understand that position but it is exactly the attitude that led to his mess that he SAYS he is so ‘sorry’ for …and yet he repeats the same kind of approach to ‘fixing ‘ it as he did to get into it.

      May you and your husband learn the wisdom that God has to offer you as you go together to the COUNSELOR who is our Lord and be encouraged that though the road seems long it is sure.

      I realize that we will suffer in this life one way or another …for me I feel I might as well suffer for the sake of staying upon the course that is the Lords. Though we do share in the suffering that occurs when we identify with Him we will receive the expected end of the Faith which has been given to those who trust in Him.

      Many wise counselors offer some good things to consider but as in all things our most stable and sure counselor speaks through the whole counsel of the cannon of scripture …may you and your husband build upon the foundation of the apostles and prophets with Jesus Christ as the chief cornerstone for all things in this life .

  37. The Cheaters Wife in response to the Cheater…..AMEN!

    One thing I think you may have neglected was that the sinner must Confess their sin in order for their relationship to GOD to be reconciled….to RECEIVE the forgiveness GOD offers .

    Also if they have not believed in Jesus Christ as their full payment for sin and that he lived, died and rose from the dead in order for His sacrifice to be applied to their life then they are not born again.

    No one has sinned so badly that they cannot be saved by His sacrificial death and resurrection but often times sin keeps people thinking that they can not ‘qualify” for salvation and their ignorance of God’s Word on this matter and their guilt may keep them from believing and receiving this important message of Truth.

    The devil loves to draw people into sin and then once their are snared lay lots of guilt upon them so that they do not believe even when they are given the gospel of the King.

    Romans declares people DO know that GOD is…but even with this testimony of their consceince and the natural creation the suppress this knowledge because they don’t want anyone to account to …they prefer to heed the lie ” you shall not surely die’ .

    This lie comes in the form of many doctrines , such as reincarnation, no afterlife, man being just another animal [check the text books and the biology taxonomies that picture man as a mammal among mammals! ]

    The devil uses lies and toxic ideas that reduce man to a parasite , envy and desire bringing him to aa point of justifying taking what is not his/hers. Every country that ascribed to this kind of mentality has been gutted and the larger population is reduced to serve the elite. No wonder many of this kind of background has sought to come to the ‘land of opportunity’ where the chance to develop their abilities is one of our greatest freedoms that is quickly being deterred int he effort of those who seek to join satan’s army to steal, kill and destroy by any means.

    Young women are buying the lie that if a man looks at them with desire then they are ‘special’ and the media feeds this desire of women to be ‘something’ to man. They may and very likely have been raised by men whose own manhood has been left untaught by their fathers who did not learn it either.

    What you laid out in the context of what is marriage is true and as God brought about marriage for the good of man and the nurturing of what Christ’s love for His church would also bring about in all societies where men would learn from Him the society would flourish.

    Boundaries are good and proper and produce security where children growing up in such a life long instruction of the God who created them is GOOD and His Word is stable and trustworthy. When children have a father who knows the God who brought forth a Savior due to the Fall and rebellion of the first son of God ..Adam by bringing forth His only BEGOTTEN Son for fallen descendants of Adam …we can know Him and we can learn how to live by His Word to avoid harming others and to live life in a productive and loving way.

    Love by the Humanist standard is a low grade form of LUST …and lust is never satisfied.

    The lie that is presently being taught even at the kindergarten level is teaching children that they are just like animals whose sexual desires are uncontrollable.

    God has commanded MEN more commandments than any other …maybe because they NEED to be told and informed HOW to love their wives which is only possible if they love GOD enough to LISTEN to Him.

    Just as in the Garden of Eden the devils first target was to reduce man’s view of God as withholding something good and desirable and to circumnavigate the means to the end by another way .

    This doctrine of lawlessness aka iniquity is a SYSTEM which works it’s way into the minds of people who do not realize the key to overcoming the deadly works of sinful emotions which will lead them into an action which has huge consequences is to KNOW THE TRUTH …

    Jesus Christ IS THE TRUTH and HE is the WORD so when people put anything in place of his Word into their minds and practice they will be persuaded of all kinds of fantasies, fables and science falsely so called.

    This is the end and purpose of what the world’s education system has wrought.

    Man was told to instruct and train his children in the ‘way that they should go that when they were old they would not depart from it’

    Few men realize the point of this primary task of a Father . Few know of it and few are turned to be concerned about it since the ‘moralism ‘ of the late 1800’s taught men that their sole responsibility to their families was to provide the financial support for them …and they departed to begin the downward process of self indulgence.

    Feminism had an opening in the lives of women who were then not given the kind of focus and interaction and respect for their contributions to a man’s life …and sex began to be the MAIN focus of a man through many forms of media . Women thus treated were prime for the ideas that lead them to feel the need to rise up to seek protection and provision for themselves . Children were left adrift but never fear the government had plans for them …a system of indoctrination which was designed upon the pattern used in Prussia to” bring forth a society easily led.”

    In less that a century this doctrine of demons has brought forth it’s bad fruit;

    And it keeps on growing like a batch of rotten leaven. Young girls know not the value of themselves by way of father’s who teach them how to defend their virtue and also DO defend them against all assaults upon their emotions.

    They believe that their value is in competition with men in the fields of commerce which is different than developing their talents and abilities . It is a mindset to conqueor which is more of a man’s aspect that enters into his work ethic.

    Far from being nurturers women are left to feel that they have no choice but to fight for survival among the competition …being male or female and being in the workplace or in ‘love’

    In the Bible we see example after example of how men and women are to function in relationship and most especially in marriage and family.

    Women adrift from experiencing a life with a father who gives them the truth about their value to GOD and what is desirable to live a life free from harm are now left to wander and accept any man’s attentions as if it is ‘love’ . Any man who uses the emotions of a women to get what he wants is lacking in true manhood and he too is lost to his appetites untamed .

    The Bible does not just tell married men to learn to harness their desires it commands unmarried men to respect themselves and women and protect women not just from various physical violence but to protect their virtue by not soliciting their emotions.

    In God’s wisdom women were to be valued highly as they were the first most powerful influence upon the next generation.

    Fathers stood between would be suitors to determine the character and intentions of young men . They did so not to control their daughters but to protect their emotions from being awakened by young men of low character and evil intent.

    The Devil knows well that if he can break up the family he can then train the minds of the children and change the whole dynamic of society. He is not concerned with the carnage .

    To gain the whole world and to get all you can anyway you can is the doctrine that now is quickly the prevalent way of life in the minds of many raised by the state in schools which have sown the lies that appeal to the flesh.

    The aim of those who desire to control the world has been carried out through a step by step process . Take the head from the family and then work the emotions of the women to believe they NEED soething that they already have .

    Just as Eve was surrounded by the trees of the Garden that we see recorded ‘were good for food and pleasant to the eyes and desired to make one wise’ she was led to choose to act upon a sinful idea brought about through thoughts which denied and defied the wisdom of GOD who was here guardian and heavenly Father.

    She exchanged all of what was good and true for a lie.

    In the keeping of the Father and Creator she was supplied with all that was good and pleasant but the lies of the Serpent , that old devil , persuaded her that she was missing something .

    So it is in a marriage where there is no fear of GOD and no knowledge of how God has provided for us everything that HE is and He , according to Jesus Christ is the ONLY GOOD.

    Without knowledge from God of what to expect in this world and how it works because we have an adversary , the devil , who is also exposed as the ‘god of this world ‘ due to Adam’s having given over the territory God had given him when he disobeyed as consequence of using his free will choice to disobey, human beings underestimate the way sin kills and destroys.

    Just as Satanists Blavaski and Alaister Crowly’s teachings brought aabout ‘do what thou wilt for love is the law’ people go about doing whatever they want and approving of what GOD has identified as SIN as ‘good’ …and we see the bad fruit in the lives who only believe what they feel is pleasant to them as ‘good’ when it is unlawful and kills.

    God’s word states in opposition to this foul lying doctrine of demons that the “LAW if LOVE”

    Jesus Christ’s victory over sin has made us ‘free from the LAW OF SIN and DEATH” …we do NOT have to do sin …we do not have to ‘obey’ our fleshly desires with every whim stirred up by media and various sinful encouragements!

    The culture is now mostly following after the flesh and denying there is a God or is making up their own version of god in their own image.

    Thus we see marriages breaking apart as people do not KNOW the way to keep their love for their spouse and have little respect or knowledge of the God who IS love but is also concerned enough about keeping us safe from deceit and actions which will harm us and others by way of His Word which exposes and chastens sin.

    Nothing much has changed as far as the damage of sin and people’s determination to defy GOD …and nothing much will change in the life of those who have been led to believe that the Bible is just another book and is only authored by man.

    All of these are the SAME tactics that were used in the Garden to deceive Eve and which have been exposed to us through our willingness to believe and then become informed by way of reading the Bible and asking GOD to teach us what HE will as we do so.

    Women who enter into the marriages of other women today have been taught the demonic doctrines woven into the curriculum and media from the communist doctrines and plans found in one of their ‘arms’ …Feminism.

    To learn of what they had planned long ago for our culture toward their aims to destroy the family through indoctrinating women whose lives first had to be convinced they got a ‘raw deal ‘ in marriage and that their lives would be so much better without men as their companions but useful for their ‘needs’ .

    Don’t take my word for it ….do some study on this matter. Women have been pawns and duped through this foul arm of socialist dogma. There were true needs which is always how satan works his way into people’s lives…but he offers an ungodly alternative to people which looks more appealing and easy to their flesh.

    God has given us His Word that we may see behind the deceit and it is truly eye-opening.
    Now women and children harmed because their men did not realize that they needed to protect them from their OWN FLESHLY LUST ….

    God has the way back to sanity and hope . His Word is Jesus Christ and through the written record of His God breathed testimony we are given a new life . Born again through His Son.

    Heb 11:6
    But without faith it is impossible to please him: for he that cometh to God must believe that he is, and that he is a rewarder of them that diligently seek him.

    Maybe people so hurt by the sin of adultery do not care if they ‘please him’ but to understand what has been at work to bring forth this terrible state of pain is one of the benefits of allowing that GOD will ‘reward’ those who seek to learn from Him by way of diligently seeking HIM through His Word HE has provided for that purpose.

    May you find healing and peace in the knowledge that though we have been damaged there is healing and reconciliation as we continue to look unto HIM for He IS and HE will reward those who seek Him through Jesus Christ the righteous and who is made unto those who trust in Him the righteousness of GOD by unmerited favor .

    Bless you for your desire to walk in Him through this dark time.

  38. Sorry about the typos I missed …”Love is the Law’ is the satanic perversion of God’s Word which states “the LAW is LOVE” …Gods WORD is THE law….it is all truth ….not as some think when they think the law of God as those things found in the OT ordinances….but regard the Words of Jesus Christ in the NT …HE affirmed the WORD of God ..and in His fulfilling all the prophesies concerning Himself in order for those who knew the scriptures to be able to identify Him …He also confirmed to us today that HE is THE way The Truth and The LIFE and no one comes to the Father but through Him

  39. Amen and Amen! Lovely, thank you for taking the time to write me back and such a lengthy response! You are definitely helping me to heal and to realize its going to take much time and effort on our part to heal. Your story sounds so sad and so much more painful then mine that I feel like I will continue to pray for your healing as well and your children. That has to be so devastating to have gone through something like that for so many years! Again, thank you!

    My other question is since I am new to this website does the author that wrote the article, Cindy…does she respond to our comments as well?

  40. Tina,

    Thank you for your compassion and prayers. Families and children who love the Lord will certainly benefit from this kind of care …unbelievers simply NEED desparately to be awakend from the deception that is so prevalent today.

    I have heard from Cindy from time to time and I am sure she will give whatever comes to her mind as well. It is so helpful to know that we have a place to offer what we are learning to help us deal with the reality we discover.

    The devil LOVES to have us put our confidence in anything other than the Lord and then when we are feeling one aspect of our lives is ‘solid’ the exposing of it’s ‘feet of clay’ really can do some damage!

    We marry believing in the man who we agree to accept his proposal today without always having the tools to determine his character or even that we SHOULD have this in process. What we don’t know certainly DOES harm us !

    My husband was so kind , and what I deemed as most concerned with honesty and learning godly living that though I thought I had spent a lot of time ..years to determine his worthy character he himself was not matured in his view of learning to know his own vulnerabilities …Pride is one of those things that keeps us in the dark …until we know Christ and learn how much seeing and allowing our own ‘beam’ to be made known to us …often the people who have the most valued characteristics of the world are the most vulnerable to the sinful lures …drawing them in to accept what SEEMETH right by their flesh rather than seeking how GOD ‘judges’ and why!

    Religions and even christian churches are falling prey to the” feel good” and “seemeth right” doctrines now.

    The perversion of God’s Justice has given way to the social justice which presumes the victim guilty until proven innocent! The social justice is what proclaims a man a ‘dead beat dad ‘ if he does not provide financial support even beyond what is truely his responsibility.

    When you read some of the feminist lists of what they intended to do and why regarding marriage and family you can recognize that it has very little to do with the quality of life those in marriages and family and everything to do with an agenda to destroy the society and make people dependent upon the welfare of the bureaucracy….not to make this ‘political’ but every aspect of society has been under the pressure of dogmatic efforts to ‘transform ‘ society after man’s plan which ultimately is the devils plan.

    Jesus warned us that deception would be the name of the game and increasingly so as we come to the close of the age. He was speaking to BELIEVERS ..and so we see that as the believers turned from reading the Bible and having their own living relationship with God they began to be taught of men…who themselves knew not GOD nor submitted to the Word.

    Nothing new about this ” the carnal mind is emmity against God’ and so we have a tendency to believe what is easy and pleasing to us under pressure.

    In this the Bible has been actually an instruction booklet for those who love GOD and for those who think they can learn how to leverage those who love GOD to believe other things …Those who approach the Bible by their intellect and flesh have resulted in doctrines that pervert the truth.

    We cannot know the truth by man but by going to the Lord and asking for HIM to guide us into all truth even as Jesus told us the Holy Spirit would come IN at the time of our believing and new birth and be taught of HIM.

    One of the ways I know that my husband has yet to submit to God is that if he were he would be CONVICTED to submit to the Lord and what the Bible tells a man to do.

    As long as he is not making any indication of living a life that is honest and returning to make effort to reconcile to the Lord and his Vows he is submitting to the temptations to believe he must be a father in form rather than to be a true husband and father to those children of his MARRIAGE COVENANT.

    So ..the measure of love starts with the measure of commitment to do what Jesus tells us to do . In marriage that means no other is to come before the effort to follow and study the word and then do what He tells us …and to leave off all other ‘responsibilities ‘ as perceived by the world and a socialized society that knows not God nor His Word in truth.

    This is not ‘mean’ but is beneficial and leaves what it left to GOd who is perfect and much better at dealing with people’s sinful way than we are .

    This does not mean abandoing care but in terms of the family how does a man’s neglect of his first things really do anything good for anyone..himself included.

    When my husband scoffed at his behavior with women at work as nothing different than how he dealt with the men …I reminded him that women do not perceive his friendliness as men do! What was due friendly behavior toward men was perceived as charm and flirting to women ..some even married but either state a man who is not intending to carry out an honorable respectful relationship with a woman has to protect HER from vain imagination of romance!

    This is not a truth much known today but the damage of not knowing about it has been demonstrated all to often.

    I need to stop now as I have some things to attend to here. …I reply as I do because I know how important a response to the person posting is in their agony of their state.

  41. This song has helped me through the deepest bouts of pain over the last few years, the words are:

    In Christ alone my hope is found,
    He is my light, my strength, my song;
    This Cornerstone, this solid Ground,
    Firm through the fiercest drought and storm.
    What heights of love, what depths of peace,
    When fears are stilled, when strivings cease!
    My Comforter, my All in All,
    Here in the love of Christ I stand.

    In Christ alone! – who took on flesh,
    Fullness of God in helpless babe.
    This gift of love and righteousness,
    Scorned by the ones He came to save:
    Till on that cross as Jesus died,
    The wrath of God was satisfied –
    For every sin on Him was laid;
    Here in the death of Christ I live.

    There in the ground His body lay,
    Light of the world by darkness slain:
    Then bursting forth in glorious day
    Up from the grave He rose again!
    And as He stands in victory
    Sin’s curse has lost its grip on me,
    For I am His and He is mine –
    Bought with the precious blood of Christ.

    No guilt in life, no fear in death,
    This is the power of Christ in me;
    From life’s first cry to final breath,
    Jesus commands my destiny.
    No power of hell, no scheme of man,
    Can ever pluck me from His hand:
    Till He returns or calls me home,
    Here in the power of Christ I’ll stand.

  42. I would just like to express my admiration for every wife on this thread that has had to deal with adultery and a child being born from it. Throughout this whole thread I have never heard an attack on OW nor even on the cheating spouse, however the focus has consistently been focussing and reaching towards God in love, forgiveness and resolution even through this awful pain. The power of Love, for the word says that God is love is beyond anything sin can throw at those that love him. The selflessness displayed throughout this thread is beyond exceptional, God is truly amazing.

    I just want to encourage each and every one of you in the Lord.

    Isaiah 41:10: “Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand”

    Romans 8:28: “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”

    Hebrews 13:5: “I will never leave you nor forsake you”

    Psalm 23:4 Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

    Jeremiah 1:8 “Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you,” declares the LORD. (NIV)

    Micah 7:7
    But as for me, I watch in hope for the LORD, I wait for God my Savior; my God will hear me. (NIV)

    Matthew 5:4 Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. (NIV)

    Hebrews 13:6 So we say with confidence, “The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can mere mortals do to me?” (NIV)

    Worship him through your pain:

  43. To all those who can’t make sense of what you should do, there is no way you can make sense of what is senseless. All I can advise you is just to stand, stand in the storm, stand on the word, stand in the pain, stand in the chaos, STAND. What you stand on is the word and when everything is said and done the word will continue to stand.

    We cannot see the way forward and i know that it is almost impossible to hear his voice through such devastation. Your marriage as you know it has died, you are grieving and need to give yourself time to do so. It is in this time we truly learn to walk with him and trust him, he will show you the way when you are emotionally able to bear it. It is a process and he is walking you through it.

    Because you are already speaking and considering what is best for these other children tells me that the Lord is in you and is at work. The battle you are experiencing is against the pain of your flesh. Anyone who has experienced a sudden and traumatic death needs time to over come the shock.

    Your marriage as you know it may have died, however remember this, Jesus went into hell and claimed back the keys of death, when he took those keys from satan he also promised him that he would be back at the appointed time to serve satan his judgement. Once he had collected those keys he rose again.

    After the death comes the resurrection!

    Trust in him, be patient, i know you wish to move forward in an attempt to move out of this pain. Remember a cake can only be baked under certain temperatures, if it is removed from the oven before the process it will sink. He is with you in the fire.

    Trust him with everything you have, with all you have!

    John 14:27 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

    Psalm 147:3 He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.

    1. Thank you so much for all your encouragment! I am uplifted just hearing you minister to BTW. Its so good to hear from women on this blog who know our pain and suffering and completely understand. Thank you!!! Even in the midst of the storm our God is still with us to comfort to heal and to restore. God Bless!

  44. For Tina and anyone who does not mind a lengthy sharing …when it comes up from where it has been sown then it is what it is ….thank you for your patience ..

    John 6:28 Then said they unto him, What shall we do, that we might work the works of God?
    29 Jesus answered and said unto them, This is the work of God, that ye believe on him whom he hath sent.

    Mankind has been trying to “Do the works of God’ ever since Adam chose to do what God had told him NOT to DO.

    Before Adam sinned by agreeing with Eve to ignore God’s command and use his ability to choose to DO something God had forbidden rather than returning to God to learn more about that command….man has gone from a life of contentment and security in God’s direct relationship to one fraught with attempts to DO something in order to ‘please the gods” of his imagination.

    In the beginning man was given everything that by way of accessing the mind and imagination of Eve the Serpent was seeking to take control over the earth by way of stealing that God given and ordained environment from Adam.

    We know that the devil ‘received it’ by way of observing the exchange between Jesus and the Devil upon Jesus having come to the end of his forty days in the wilderness, having begun His earthly ministry under the direction of His Heavenly Father.

    When the devil offered Him the kingdoms of the world an the glory of it if He would bow down and worship him …Jesus did not dispute this offer as it was in truth as the devil proclaimed ‘It was DELIVERED UNTO ME”.

    Part of the Fall of Adam which brought about death of the flesh , the relationship with God was ‘cut off’ . The judgment was a ‘life for a life’ and the ‘life of the flesh being in the blood’ then defined and was demonstrated by God the way back to a relationship with Him would be by a sacrifice of a life…the shedding of blood.

    Animals were the temporary demonstration of the ONE sacrifice which would be sufficient for all for all time. A man’s life for a man’s sinful rebellious act.

    God demonstrated types of this savior to come by many records throughout the scriptures.

    The hope of our redemption is thus found in scripture for those who are willing to seek Him and to search the scriptures .

    We see a lengthy record of how men took their ability to choose away from God’s provisional Word that came to man before the written record by way of holy men who spoke what God instructed them to do.

    God does not interfere with man in terms of making him do anything . The god of this world however will seek to manipulate man by the many ways that the Bible actually demonstrates and warns us of.

    However with anyone who uses their own choice making options to turn away from those wise words they will be taken eventually by their own appetites and desires just as the Word tells us . The devil works to steal the faith, hope and attitude which would draw a person away from the God who Created us and away from learning from His Word all things which would enable man to enjoy overcoming even in the worst of times by the faith which Jesus Christ will give all who are willing to receive it.

    Faith is NOT a ‘force’ and believing is not a passive state or an altered state of consciousness. These ways that are presently and have from the past opened man’s mind to false ideas and ideologies is the means by which we see the Fall of Adam now causing many to stumble, fall and to be taken captive by the enemy of our souls.

    In the Old Testament man did not have access to GOD for his personal walk except by way of the Word of God given for them to learn from other men who were ordained of God to bring it to them. The priesthood established among the Isrealites was for the purpose of sustaining the faith and dependence upon GOD and to trust His promise to bring His will to pass eventually through the ONE ‘new man’ , what scripture calls the ‘second Adam’ …the ‘seed of the woman ‘ Jesus Christ.

    The devil gained the dominion of the natural world and the fallen man for a duration . God provided the means for man to be able to continue the hope of the one sacrificial Savior for all by establishing the blood sacrifice …a first born, lamb without blemish, from the flock… as is a type of Jesus Christ.

    God does not manipulate man , it is not according to His character. The Devil will and continues to work through circumstances and people clueless to his schemes and unwilling to obey GOD to manipulate man’s perception of GOD and to oppress or lift up those who do not realize HOW man can escape the ongoing assaults upon his life by his thoughts, imagination, and relationships among others.

    Man’s emotions are HUGE in this activity. The devil counts upon our emotions and desire to bring us down to the ground.

    One thing that the Lord demonstrated however is how , by submitting to HIM even in the worst of circumstances we may continue to follow Him. Though our outward man perish our inward man is renewed day by day.

    HOW ? By SETTING our minds upon HIM and HIS word.

    Even when our hearts are crushed by our having trusted and loved another person who is faithless we are still given this .

    We are not without hope or without strength because it is GOD who works IN those who trust in Him and continue in HIS WORD.

    We don’t languish in our pain as though we have no means of rescue. In Jesus Christ we don’t follow Him for too long after coming to have Him as Savior before we see a serious change in those around us as they reveal by their attitudes and actions regarding Him …where we stand.

    As a new Christian I experienced a sudden change in those who I thought would have delighted in my new life. To the contrary, just as I later learned, the devil was at work to keep those who did not know Him from knowing Him.

    Any attempt to bring others to Christ is met by opposition because though Jesus Christ ‘bought us with the price of his blood upon the cross’ the devil does not want to allow people to CHOOSE to leave HIS domain to learn to live above the circumstances.

    He makes his effort to keep those who are walking in darkness from coming to the light of knowing Christ by many means. His tactics have not changed since the Garden of Eden and people need to decide WHO is going to be their ally in this lifespan on this earth.

    In comparing the confrontation of Eve with that of Jesus Christ as the Devil made his play for their loyalty it is interesting to note the same arguments brought forth and the difference in responses .

    Jesus Christ had victory over the temptation by way of speaking the WORD …not just saying it …but because it came from a depth of the Word recorded , confirmed and given by GOD. ”It is written…”

    If the Devil can move people away from learning FROM GOD what is the truth …he will have access to their thought life.

    Faith is NOT a ‘force’ that we ‘use’ to get GOD to do our will. The messes in this world are caused by people wanting things to go the way their flesh desires . The consequences that occur as the devil encourages this kind of life cause more consequences and pain to those who are endeavoring to walk along the narrow way that Christ offers.

    All things of this world are designed to cause flesh to awaken to desires for what is perceived as ‘better’ than what we presently have . Look at Chapter 2 in Genesis where GOD records that ALL the trees of the garden were just as we see Eve speak of them …’good for food” , “pleasant to the eyes’ and desired to make one wise.’

    She and Adam already were ‘as gods’ so the offer from Satan was a temptation to believe they did not have it ‘all’ and they could gain something ‘more’ from disobeying GOD.

    He also made a large effort to cause her to begin to think God did not have a good motive for her sake. It wore away her thankfulness which opened the way for the further deceit to take things into her own hands.

    Adam stood by and allowed the ‘serpent’ to even approach Eve …God had told him to “keep’ the garden …’keep ‘ being ‘guard’ and so Adam did not obey this first command of GOD for him to protect the jurisdiction of the garden and his wife from this predatory being.

    He did not step in upon observing the interaction either . I believe this is why HE , the man , was the one held accountable for his inaction in the face of a threat to the garden and his wife …which also would include any children in the future from the cataclysmic outcome of ignoring this threat.

    From the beginning it was GOD who would have counseled the man and his wife but Adam did not ‘ask for directions’ …He was told directly from GOD the commandment about the garden and the one tree in specific…but he did not follow through.

    He either did not instruct Eve fully or in the face of her being doubtful of just exactly what GOD had instructed…which we see how she did not relate exactly what GOD had told Adam…she added the word ‘touch’ and left out the word ‘freely’ and changed the word to ‘lest ‘ we die.

    Uncertainty about what GOD says about all things we are deceived by our various areas of desire of our flesh.

    God tells us that those who are HIS …’my people’ are ‘destroyed for lack of knowledge’ …then going on ‘because you have rejected me …’

    How do we reject GOD after we come to Him for Salvation? By not studying to learn WHAT HE will teach us. He desire our time, energy and desire for Him. He wants a relationship with each of us. We who have been betrayed know a little something about this .

    THE ‘work of GOD” is not our DOING but HIS working IN Us by the Word that WE choose to become knowledgeable of .

    Eve began to doubt what God ‘s intentions were for her good by way of not ‘renewing ‘ her mind …not becoming SURE of what GOD actually told Adam

    Both Adam and Eve COULD have gone back to their Heavenly Father to be refreshed or ‘renewed’ in their thoughts about His instructions but they didn’t.

    The devil began to whittle away their attitude that GOD is GOOD , all the time…forever.

    Today people become involved with DOING …either through the social gospel of Humanism or through another form of religious work …and settle for that being ‘good enough’

    They miss the opportunity to BELIEVE God and settle into believing IN God.

    What need do we have for God coming to our rescue when we are content with the situations that are comfortable as we are able to make them while living life here and now.

    The Lord did not bring about the infidelity we suffer because of others choices to act in ways they KNOW are wrong. In fact we do KNOW they KNOW it is wrong because they hide it . They have bought the lie that if no one knows about it …then those they’ ‘love’ will not be hurt.

    This lie prevails as people do not stop to consider the effects of their actions and that happens because they have not stopped to think they CAN CHOOSE to NOT do whatever they feel like.

    Believers are living in a world that has increased the ‘right’ to sin without any regard for the outcome. If a marriage is broken into by a thief of infidelity they believe that it was ‘meant to be’ and they use that as an escape route which the devil has set up to make a life outside of the ‘garden ‘ of marriage look inviting and pleasant.

    The understanding of keeping within the boundaries of a God established covenant being the safe haven even in the painful endurance of ongoing circumstances is what the world , the flesh and the devil offer as the option to going to our Heavenly Father and trusting HIM to take care of what is HIS …namely the souls and lives of those who TRUST IN HIM.

    Just as GOD established boundaries for Adam and Eve’s good and gave them the jurisdiction of their marriage and the children of that marriage as their responsibility and blessing this remains to this day His will for those who take the marriage upon themselves as their domain of ruling by trusting GOD to do in and for them what they cannot do for themselves.

    God is overall despite the devil having taken what was surrendered to him at the time of the Fall. God will continue to do all that He wills , with or without our taking part by leaning upon His character as the one who WILL bring all things under His rule.

    People have choices to make. Those who hear His word and choose to follow Him will be taught but they must make that decision. We cannot MAKE anyone do what we want no matter how good it may be for them.

    Jesus Christ came to demonstrate to those who should have recognized Him as Saviour who He was . Those who were knowledgeable of the scriptures were dealt with more severely as they refused to relinquish their ‘dominion ‘ Rome had ‘given ‘ them . All of it was with the fulfilling of the prophesy of the cross , without which the resurrection would not have been possible.

    Yet those who were given that privilege to have recognized Him at His first coming also were more severely reproved for not believing in Him.

    Jesus Christ did not MAKE anyone believe in Him and He does not MAKE anyone who does walk rightly IF they have turned their ears and eyes away from the truth and refused to continue in His word.

    They may have been saved but the life that we live is going to be overcoming and avoiding sinful destructive decisions as we care enough to learn what HE will say to us from HIS WORD.

    Today many are going to churches where they are being taught many things which are contrary to scripture. It is more and more difficult for those seeking GOD to find truth amid the pews.

    Each person seeking to know Jesus Christ , to know GOD must realize that HE has called us to HIMSELF and that by way of the WORD being heard.

    One who desires to have a relationship with Him must come TO HIM and HIS WORK is oingoing IN those who learn of Him by HIS provision for the believer. To ‘eat the bread that came down from heaven’ that God breathed word which did not come by the will of man but holy men of God …equipped by inspiration of GOD ..or ‘God breathed’ that Word …All scripture …God breathed…for the benefit of the believer ..to know right doctrine,…to be reminded and reproved …and to be corrected in thought and practice …which IS instruction in righteousness…GOD’S righteousness.

    IF we are not IN that Word daily we may be deceived.

    The various ways people THINK they are experiencing GOD are not according to knowledge today but many are encouraged to go by their feelings and various mystical systems ! It is dangerous but if they do not KNOW the way ‘God works’ and that through our trusting the Word they will become less and less ‘salty’ ….less able to determine what is in line with God’s Word/will …and what is not.

    We live in a culture and world that is HUGELY RELIGIOUS but without the knowledge of HE who is The Truth who desires to teach each of us within the closet of our hearts.

    God’s Word is KEY.

    Though I may suffer the emotional wounds from having trusted my husband and even after learning of his sinful lifestyle I have hoped in his deliverance by only my focusing upon the Word and asking GOD to lead me to learn what is HIS desire for me to learn.

    God provided His Word which some have not found satisfying enough . Many additions today offer books, seminars in how to overcome while the Bible is only a ‘part’ or a ‘source’ among many other resource.

    I know when I have gone to see what is offered to people in the state of pain from this I found many ideas and methods to ‘get your infidel back’

    Frankly as much as I would want my husband ‘back’ in the marriage I do not think that would change much because until HE is willing to seek out what he needs from God working IN HIM ..which would take humility and submitting to GOD ..My husband will not be changed and our lives would still be in a state of instability .

    There is nothing my change in appearance or anything else which was more than able to have been enough before he departed …nothing external or even internal that would be wise to draw him back by those things . He has proven his own NEED to have a reason to learn what the boundaries of GOD are and why they are good.

    He is still in a state of believing in his own ideas which in truth are NOT HIS but are brought into his mind since it has no defensive weapon to determine what is truth and right and what is from the god of this world working through the ‘lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes and the pride of life’

    He is a blind man who has allowed the blind to lead him into sin. He has since been discovered not having come to the point of confessing but found out . This did not come from a change of heart and attitude …it did not come from his own conscience long dead to a point of not being able to tolerate duplicity as his way of life. This came as the light was abruptly and ‘inconveniently” shined upon evidence of his lengthy immorality.

    Therefore he was not brought to a state of repentance but to a state of defensiveness and shame. It has thus far continued and that because he would not be advised to keep his first ‘estate’ in terms of his jurisdiction ..God, his wife, and the family of his covenant.

    How this effected him as he sought out worldly ways to straddle this most difficult fence has brought about more ineffective effort to change the circumstances of the children of adultery while abandoning his marriage and family because it was ‘too hard’ ….This situation has revealed a serious weakness of character ..as sin corrode even the best of human goodness.

    It has exposed what was otherwise considered a man of great talent, ability , intellect, and integrity , a man of many achievements and success as the world see him to be lacking in a most important area of character …true humility to the God who gave him so many opportunities and abilities.

    There has also been the same situation to useful to expose areas of my own walk in need of instruction and correction and enablement’s that only come when we are willing to continue though the way is somewhat obscured by things within us and things without.

    The believer will make ever effort to continue in the Word as Jesus told his followers so that HE can disciple them through ..and as I do my part I have nothing to brag about in all of this dealing with my emotions and all of the fall out BUT I do thank God that HE will help me remain faithful to HIM .

    I cannot trust MY OWN ability or even the faith I claim to have laid hold upon. I cannot count on other people in my own situation …which is NOT a bad thing ..though it may be a bit more challenging …we all can use some hugs and ears for our sorrow.

    But as I have learned , to my sorrow and disappointment, there are some things in this life that we must deal with ‘alone’ but in my case , in many times , my ONLY ‘prayer partner ‘ was Jesus Christ and that was not a bad thing.

    I would have liked to have found a ‘like minded’ and ‘like hearted’ brotheren but in my walk , I have had to learn that even among believers there is a certain differentiation ..we are all on a learning curve.

    Not that the Word ‘evolves’ as some might think but that our understanding grows ‘from faith to faith’ as we lay down the Word in our minds and applications and as we go on doing so …it clears the way for more understanding as we are also laying down another and another layer of the scriptures in our minds.

    As it clears out the misconceptions and false things it also equips us with more and more ‘vision ‘of the truth that we see throughout the scriptures.

    The Word is truly supernatural ,but not in the way that false religions seek to ‘experience’ the spiritual …God’ is wise and Jesus told us we do not live by sight or feelings, but by HIS WORD…it is THE key to our ‘seeing’ Him, perceiving Him.

    The devil seek to teach us in ways which draw us into easy things that appeal and agree with what we already think about God in our fleshly minds…easy ‘faith’ as something felt or something simply spoken of .

    The devils believe IN God and tremble
    We are called to BELIEVE GOD ….and in so doing we go on following Jesus Christ …

    Col 3:2
    Set your affection on things above, not on things on the earth.

    Jhn 14:3
    And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again, and receive you unto myself; that where I am, there ye maybe also.

    The posts that pointed out how women here hurt by such deep sorrow are indeed handling their sorrow and pain with dignity …I loved that acknowledgment , it is a fruit of the love for God that has our concern and compassion directed by wanting to do what is pleasing to HIM despite the way our emotions are tossed and turned. We can overcome and prove what is good and acceptable in His sight by His faithful working IN us as we submit to Him and ask Him, cry out to Him who knows our every tear …and will do for us and in us what will work to His glory and our best …This world is NOT our home but we are indeed passing through as the hymn says.

    Phil 3 says what we may keep in mind on those days and nights when we are feeling defeated …we are not ..we are more than conquerors though Him who loves us.

    1. Hie I met my husband in 1999 and we became friends from 2003 we started living in different counties but we stayed friends . He got married but they did not work he had a child with another woman after that. We kept in touch all these years then in 2011 November we decided to start a relationship. It was a long distance relationship , and I was the only one who could visit because of the visa issues. He proposed in 2012 February it felt right I loved him so much so we planned our wedding it was just right , but then I discovered that as we had just started dating he made a woman pregnant and said it was a mistake he was sorry and the girl said they were not in a relationship at all so I forgave him and also because I loved him . We were still living in different countries as we were processing his visa so he would come we’re I was then I found out he was cheating I was diva stated and I could not believe that he did that to me he apologised and promised he will never do it again. I forgave him. Then he told me that he met a girl he had dated about 8 years ago and she has a baby she had been looking for him all these years I was broken but I believe that the child is innocent and she had to have a relation ship with her father. I would encourage him to spend time with her and he said he did only to realise that it was all a lie they had created so they could spend time together and I will be knowing about it they had just met and there was no child. Yes he was cheating again. His visa came out so I thought this is the chance we could start all over again. We moved together 2013 January it was amazing the first 6 months then he started working and started dating a girl from his work. I found out and I was very angry at him because I thought and believed that he would never cheat again. They said the stopped the affair but they did not because she later got pregnant in October. I was hurt so bad but I loved him and I forgave him. He did not stop there I would find messages in his phone from other girls , one time he had booked a hotel room and had lied that he was going for a work conference I confronted him before he even went. He worked in a hotel and I saw other messages in his phone , I called the girl and she told me how she was just here for a visit and they met and they would have unprotected sex in one of the rooms. I was heart broken but I forgave him because I loved him . Then we would spend about three weeks then it starts again another woman now he would drive around with her and everyone in our community would see him found out he said he would never do it but he would not stop coz found out they would still go and watch football together I asked him he said we are just friends , how could he still be friends with a woman he cheated me with. It did not even stop the baby was born the one with his work mate he said he was sorry and we agreed that he would not go on his own to see the baby . But know he would wait until I have gone to work then go, sometimes he would lie that he is going to work and go visit the baby but I had never said he can not see the baby only that we had agreed we would go together. New day I left my phone in the house recording I could not believe what I found out not only was he in a relationship with the baby mother because they were planning for another baby he was also cheating with another woman. A friend of his friends wife I could not believe it I was hurt beyond words but the thing is I forgave him hoping he would change but I have realised that he is not changing until when living like this just yesterday he said he was going out to the pub which is just 2 miles away but I just realised he went somewhere he travelled over 140 miles I asked him and he starts shouting at me saying I control him so much I don’t treat him like a man . Please help

  45. I recently heard of this preacher that suddenly passed away in an accident with his wife. On studying his teachings on the Kingdom it explains why God does not intervene with life on earth and why he needs us to intervene.

    It also explains how each of us make a choice to be either conduit for Good or evil. This will help those to understand how and why wicked acts such as adultery can and do take place.

    Greater than this, this teaching shows us who have been wounded and feel as if we have no control here on in as to the outcome of our marriage that we are still in control by giving him control.

    I pray it strengthen and blesses you as it has done me.

  46. I came a cross this book that really helped me on my journey. It is by Cindy Beall, a wife who is also the victim of adultery, she wrote a book that I have read and highly recommend. Cindy’s husband was a Pastor who had extramarital affairs and produced a child. Their story is amazing and it will inspire you! It is called Healing your marriage when the trust is broken:


    Here is a clip of her speaking on Jimmy and Karen Evans show, marriage Today:


    1. This is my story

      Hie I met my husband in 1999 and we became friends from 2003 we started living in different counties but we stayed friends . He got married but they did not work he had a child with another woman after that. We kept in touch all these years then in 2011 November we decided to start a relationship. It was a long distance relationship , and I was the only one who could visit because of the visa issues. He proposed in 2012 February it felt right I loved him so much so we planned our wedding it was just right , but then I discovered that as we had just started dating he made a woman pregnant and said it was a mistake he was sorry and the girl said they were not in a relationship at all so I forgave him and also because I loved him . We were still living in different countries as we were processing his visa so he would come we’re I was then I found out he was cheating I was diva stated and I could not believe that he did that to me he apologised and promised he will never do it again. I forgave him. Then he told me that he met a girl he had dated about 8 years ago and she has a baby she had been looking for him all these years I was broken but I believe that the child is innocent and she had to have a relation ship with her father. I would encourage him to spend time with her and he said he did only to realise that it was all a lie they had created so they could spend time together and I will be knowing about it they had just met and there was no child. Yes he was cheating again. His visa came out so I thought this is the chance we could start all over again. We moved together 2013 January it was amazing the first 6 months then he started working and started dating a girl from his work. I found out and I was very angry at him because I thought and believed that he would never cheat again. They said the stopped the affair but they did not because she later got pregnant in October. I was hurt so bad but I loved him and I forgave him. He did not stop there I would find messages in his phone from other girls , one time he had booked a hotel room and had lied that he was going for a work conference I confronted him before he even went. He worked in a hotel and I saw other messages in his phone , I called the girl and she told me how she was just here for a visit and they met and they would have unprotected sex in one of the rooms. I was heart broken but I forgave him because I loved him . Then we would spend about three weeks then it starts again another woman now he would drive around with her and everyone in our community would see him found out he said he would never do it but he would not stop coz found out they would still go and watch football together I asked him he said we are just friends , how could he still be friends with a woman he cheated me with. It did not even stop the baby was born the one with his work mate he said he was sorry and we agreed that he would not go on his own to see the baby . But know he would wait until I have gone to work then go, sometimes he would lie that he is going to work and go visit the baby but I had never said he can not see the baby only that we had agreed we would go together. New day I left my phone in the house recording I could not believe what I found out not only was he in a relationship with the baby mother because they were planning for another baby he was also cheating with another woman. A friend of his friends wife I could not believe it I was hurt beyond words but the thing is I forgave him hoping he would change but I have realised that he is not changing until when living like this just yesterday he said he was going out to the pub which is just 2 miles away but I just realised he went somewhere he travelled over 140 miles I asked him and he starts shouting at me saying I control him so much I don’t treat him like a man . Please help I feel like he knows I will forgive him so he rally does not care.

  47. I really like this blog although my marriage was ruined because my wife conceived after we were married and we’ve been divorced for 2 years now, but he was my son from day one. There was obviously a cooling period between when I learned he wasn’t mine than the divorce and where we all stand today. His dads not involved but he has an unofficial uncle involved in his life and a mom that can take a break every now and then.

    1. Hi Trey,

      Are you still involved in your sons life? do you have other children with your ex wife and how have you managed to work through such a trauma?

      Whilst I know it is just as common but not many men come forward if their wife has committed adultery.

      Peopl say “the world today” I disagree and do not believe it is the “world” God created hte heavens and the earth and he said it was “good” it is still the same heaven and earth that resides today however the enhabitants are who have changed the playing field.

      My thoughts are with you Trey, and prayers too.

  48. Holiday Grief

    For me the holidays were always a difficult time, being a Christian Christmas always brought new hope, possibilities and so many things that made you look with anticipation into the coming year. For so many years since disaster day it has only brought fear, anxiety, and worry for the unknown, thinking about a child who doesn’t have its father during the holiday season and not wanting it to have its father because that father was your husband who should be with you and your kids. Why should I have to share what is mine?

    Unfortunately now even though that child is not in our lives I feels as if I will always have to share my husband now. she may never get mentioned or enter into our lives but he must think of her, I do and she isn’t even mine.

    Each New Year brought more fear instead of hope, fear of her being forced into my life, fear of having to see, speak to or deal with her mother, fear of my life having to change to accommodate her and giving up more of what is mine in my children because the right thing would be for them to know her.

    I got so sick of this feeling every year, while my husband carried on as if she did not exist her mother still sauntering around with no shame or remorse or reverence to God for her actions.

    I realised I was the only one suffering, tormenting myself. Then I read a blog from a woman who had lost her husband and she spoke about not getting on the anniversary train, and even though her loss is different in that she lost her husband through death, I was able identify with her loss because I felt I also had experienced a death, the death of my marriage and life as I knew it forever.

    I have changed some of the words to fit my experience, what I would say to all of you who like me, find this time of year, occasions or anniversaries especially difficult, don’t get on the anniversary train:

    The Anniversary Train

    Heavy, noisy. Old. Loud.

    And you can hear it coming for a while.

    You know it’s arriving at a specific time, on schedule.

    And you are supposed to get on it.
    Ride that train for the day.
    Ride its heaviness.
    This train is slow.
    It takes forever to get to the destination of tomorrow.

    But you feel there is no other way to get to the next day but ride the train of the anniversary of your loss.
    It is not a birthday.
    It is simply a death day.
    I am so very sorry to call it with its own name.

    I remember riding that train during the first few anniversaries.

    Honestly I was nauseous.
    Everything came back.
    The discovery of the affair.
    The discovery of the pregnancy.
    The deceit and lies.
    I mean.. talk about torture.
    Bring out the knives.
    That anniversary train was not fun.

    It was all about the death day.

    And not about the man I was in love with, the God that I served and knew was bigger than this catastrophe, the pain, grief, death of all I knew.

    It had nothing to do with honouring God and my faith in him.

    Nothing at all.
    I was honoring death every time I took the anniversary train.
    So 3 anniversaries later the train was approaching…my date is November 5th.
    And I am standing at the platform.
    I can hear it arriving. Heavy, loud. Slow.
    And all the death memories were flashing before my eyes even before my boarding.

    I had to ask myself is this what I have to go through every single year and is this honouring my God who says in Isaiah 43:18 “Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past?”

    The answer was a big loud NO. Louder than the train.

    I left the platform and ran.

    Ran away from the anniversary train.

    Where did I go instead?
    I went for long walks.
    I went to the places we used to enjoy going.
    I talked about him to people who never knew him, as God saw him, not how he currently was in my eyes.
    I smiled when I said his name.

    Yes it is sad.
    Yes there are tears.
    Yes it sucks.
    I am sorry there is no way around this.
    Your heart will fill heavy.

    But don’t get on the death day train.

    Run away and find the sky, the moon, the sea.
    The memories. The journey. The celebration.

    On my wedding anniversary I refused to acknowledge it and would not celebrate it. No cards, no romantic meal, no time together.
    I insisted we ignore certain locations where i knew he had been with her.
    Ignored valentines day, would not celebrate birthdays.
    Took off my wedding bands and continued to grieve.

    The train does not visit me anymore.

    There is nobody waiting on the platform.
    From where I am standing those anniversaries are excuses to celebrate what my father has told me Isaiah 43:19 Behold, “I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.”
    Now I celebrate how strong I have become in Jesus
    I have become a warrior for marriages and the grief I have experienced has given me an empathy and love for all those who have experienced loss.
    The man I believed in, the man I trusted, did not want this to happen to his marriage, did not want to hurt his wife and destroy his family, produce a child he does not want and will always see as his mistake and burden.
    Yes its sad, and unfair and not what should happens to marriages but that stream of thought takes me back to the train.
    And that is not where my father would want me to be.

    I hear my father saying to me. “ look at the big picture. The first couple of years will be tough but after that you will soar”. As the word says, “But as for you, you meant evil against me; but God meant it for good, in order to bring it about as it is this day, to save many people alive.”

    My new marriage and purpose would smile and shake their head and say it is not where I live.

    It is not where my legacy is.
    My legacy is inside of you.
    And in the lives of your gifts.
    Go. Go. Go. don’t get on that train.

    I am going to ask you the same.

    Don’t get on that train, it doesn’t really go anywhere and:

    Healing only lives in celebrating life, what you feed lives and what you starve dies.

    My prayer is that moving into 2015 we all choose not to board the anniversary train but instead choose to create second firsts with our husbands and families. Further we move into our second firsts the farther away we move from D-Day.

    Blessings to you.

    1. Wow. Thanks for this. I’ve been boarding this train seems like every other week and especially on each month. Though my discovery wasn’t that long ago and we are now getting ready to enter the next phase. Which is establishing paternity. I do badly want to leave 2014 behind. As it has proven to be the worst year of my life. I thank you for this post because it’s right on time. I was all in my feelings these past few days and especially today, so to open my email and see this message. I felt like you were speaking directly to me. Though I hate that this has happened to others I am also relieved to know that I’m not alone in my thoughts and feelings. God sure does know when to send help. As soon as you feel faint, He renews your strength. God bless!

  49. Hi BTW

    The anniversary train does come by every day at first, sometimes 2,3 even 7 times a day as you begin to evaluate the loss, like with any major disaster all you can initially see is the damage.

    Eventually it does move from month to month then to particular dates or days, I never thought I could get to a new year and not hate the possibility of moving into it because of the thought of that child forcing here way into my life.

    No I feel less, wouldn’t say that I don’t care but I pity her more than I feel sorry for myself now. If she does ever turn up to see her her father she will find all the pain of betrayal that I have experienced. She will realise that she has been cheated, just like me and that those who should given and ensured the best for her have stolen from her what every child deserves.

    When she sees how much my husband loves our children, not just cause they are his but because they come from me, she will question the motives of those who brought her here.

    As wives we have and will suffer, but it is only temporary, we will move out of our pain. But those children will know forever that they were not wanted, were nothing more than a hormonal enduced escapade.

    But as our Lord has shown us, even good can come from bad.


  50. I am glad for the way you are able to think and have empathy for the children born from adultery. I still have a hard time …not just for me but for the way my husband’s conduct and choices have hurt our children.

    He has taken such a care for the children of his adultery which he had deliberately that it is very difficult for me and our children to believe that he loved us.

    I suppose that his having done all of this by CHOICE and DELIBERATELY makes a huge difference. As I see it , it is a bit more like ‘adultery’ against his own children as well as me.

    How can anyone explain this as some kind of ‘glitch’ in his behavior. He was sober, deliberate and lived a dual life but always came home each night except for a couple of business trips.

    He walked out saying he ‘could not live here’ and that having any time with me in our home even for holidays was ‘not right’ ..

    Our finances have suffered greatly …all our retirement has gone to make all the expenses ……and additionally for a place for him to live alone since he wants nothing to do with the OW!

    He lives now to work, workout, spend a few hours with the children of the OW and one day a week he takes our daughters out for a few hours!

    I am grateful to GOD as I trust HIM to keep us going , and helping my husband keep on supporting us since I am now way past employment ….STILL married now for over 34 years ….but as I have for many many years as well …my time is spent homemaking, housekeeping, and copious study of the Bible.

    There is a spiritual element that many may not consider….and that is when a person lives a LIFESTYLE of willful sin their minds are darkened …they are no longer just thinking their ‘OWN ” thoughts but there are additional ‘ideas’ which they do not confront with the Word of TRUTH and the moral standard that is healthy for themselves and others.

    The ‘train’ of thought that you and I need is the ‘renewed mind’ which sets the Word of GOD in our minds, hearts and guides us along as we navigate this kind of trial.

    Regret is not a part of my way of thinking but to learn how this may have been avoided….One thing I do think is true is that people were designed by God to make choices and His Word provides the wisdom of HOW to avoid making choices that conflict with living a life that is satisfactory and fulfilling to oneself and one’s spouse, that teaches right living by example and is not all about self and fleshly pleasure at the expense of one’s word , character and the lives of those who trust in them as a father whose integrity matters enough to himself that he watches and guards his thought life and his choices and thus protects his wife and family from his own fleshly lusts and sinful vulnerabilities.

    I learned about this later in life but I learned that I was made free from the ‘law’ or power of sin to convince me it was ‘ok’ and learned how to avoid all kinds of things that would lead me astray. It CAN be done if a man is willing to learn.

    My husband decided he did not need to study his Bible as GOD commanded and the truth faded from his concern and thus his way of viewing things that led him away into a life of sinful indulgences that now have caught up with him …but worse …all of us who have loved him, trusted him and admired him.

    He was skillful and stealth and it is hard EVEN NOW to recognize that he STILL has not made a decision to face what is the way for him to deal with the damages to others.

    I pray he will repent and be brought to a true relationship with Christ even as I pray and continue to pursue my relationship with the Lord .

    As far as trying to engage my husband , he made it clear to me that the way he defined or would recognize love from me was if I would leave him alone to do whatever he wants to do …It has been very difficult for me these last over 8 years since d day to ‘give’ him the gift of leaving him alone to show him ‘respect’ for his choice to abandon me and our marriage this way.

    I am saddened to daily see that his saying he is ‘sorry’ for all he has done and is doing …by retreating …means little to me since he is still refusing to do what is right by any of us . He is proud and as his parent taught him ….’Nobody has a right to tell him what to do or believe …..not even GOD apparently …and that leaves him in a very isolated position and leaves his wife and his daughters with the same experience of him not caring much about how his ‘self imposed exile’ effects all of us.

    I find what has been said about the triggers reducing to be somewhat true …but there is the day after day reality that I am married to a man who has still decided his life is more important than anyone else’s.

    We are all talented , attractive women who trust in the Lord and this is yet another demonstration of the way the scriptures speak of the days when people will turn from GOD and become self absorbed. I look forward to the way the Lord speaks of our being with Him and in the mean time do my utmost to walk after His Word ….and be all that He will work in my life as much as possible by His working in me through His Spirit and His Word….serving what I can of what I have gained in knowledge of His Word with others with encouragement even as I struggle some days….

    This world is NOT our home …but yes, it would have been great if the man I married had been true to his word as he was once committed to be.

    May your New Year bring you more wisdom from His Word in you daily ..as you continue to strive to walk after all that He has for you .

    Come Lord Jesus ….!

  51. Zara,

    I sincerely empathise with the fact that your husband has no remorse nor repentance for his crime against God and your vows and I say this because he is still feeding that which should die, SIN. This gives me grave concern for his life both spiritually and physically.

    It has most definitely made it easier for me that my husband has taken the stance he has taken. And he has turned away from the OW and the child, though only temporary for the child. We are aware a time will come when she will wish to know who her father is. And it won’t be easy.

    However when your husband is refusing to repent and is continuing in the deceit not just to yourself but as you said also to your children it is unbearable.

    Thank God for Jesus!

    Your husband is choosing not to stand because he is not prepared to put himself aside and make himself uncomfortable for those he has a responsibility to.

    Whilst he may appear helpless and display signs of retreat and weakness he is making a choice, and right now these choices benefit him in some way.

    You see if he was to be a good father and husband to his covenant martial children he would have to do and be the same for the Adultery children. This would demand too much from him and so he has chosen to give to neither.

    Selfishness is an ugly flesh rotting dis-ease that does nothing but slowly dismembers the soul. He has taken the ( which he feels is the ) easy way out and unless he turns away he will suffer greatly. What he has actually done is he has dug a pit for himself. Have you ever seen someone make themselves comfortable in their mess?

    The bible talks of the ways a woman can win her husband. This is by no means easy and it takes time, patience and the dying of oneself. Walking this daily under extreme situations such as we are having to endured is nothing less than character building. It is with painful joy we can look upon this process as the potters wheel on which God is spinning us to bring us to perfection. Try to take your eyes off your husband (easier said than done) God has already sorted out the end from the beginning.

    The victory is yours!

  52. Dear Cheaterswife,

    Thank you for your reply to my last post….I noticed that I posted under another name than I use here ….sometimes my mind is so ‘full’ of things that I seem to make this kind of error unintentionally …I usually post under “Lovey” here ….and I see great wisdom in your post.

    According to the Word of GOD those who believe in Jesus Christ are reckoning the old man dead and our life is hid in Christ. This process of learning to live in what we have received in the finished work of Christ is life long and dare I say i feel I will need eternity to come to the fullness of it. Isn’t that what the Word tells us that when we see Him face to face we will know even as we are known?

    So then as you said it is those who are steeped in the devil’s snare of deception that really need prayer for deliverance. I see that though the Word is ‘nigh’ that without meekness to receive the ‘engrafted word which is able to save our souls’ that Word goes unheeded and not applied in a life which is continuing to reject the Lord and His Word .

    And as you have pointed out lest those who are following Jesus Christ will turn from the temptation to allow a trial to overcome them they too will fall into a deceptive state of focus upon something other than the Lord who has promised to never leave us nor forsake us.

    I was listening to a teaching wherein there was a truth spoken that God does not tempt us but the devil will attempt to draw us into a temptation while we may be in the midst of a trial …the Trial is meant for us to continue to lean upon the Lord and not our own understanding nor what we may SEE at the moment but to continue to walk,…..reading…filling up with the Word of GOD and looking for that solution GOD will bring for HIS GLORY …and our edification of the faith.

    I don’t know about anyone else but this trial of the latter part of my life is the toughest one yet and yet I have not had ANYTHING to endure the way SOME have ….God has a way of allowing us to be weaned away from the affection we have for this life.

    We do live with appreciation for the things God allows for us to enjoy but somehow we have a bit more trouble and struggle with being thankful in the midst of some of those things which are difficult , hard and painful. I guess no matter what I may have been through in my life …and that does include some pretty dramatic trials …it was the betrayal of one ….as David and Jesus endured ….one close to me …that is proving to be a real ‘lesson’ in how to”… lay aside every weight” ….and to obey ‘in every thing give thanks for this is the will of the Lord for you”.

    We are living in very dark and difficult times for believers ….as all through history those who followed after the God of Abraham, Isaac , Jacob …and certainly our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ have suffered persecution…and none more abundant than in these recent days…..yet HE TOLD US this would be the case more and more as the day approaches.

    In some ways despite the pain and sorrow of this situations I regard it as one of the ‘weaning ‘ things as well as the challenge to pray for those who despite fully use ” me and my trust and patience which are indeed having to grow ..first in my Lord and then in my expectation of HIS deliverance for my husband …but also ME in any cranny of my unbelief.

    For 46 years I have been in pursuit of the things of GOD found in the Bible …before that I was more like the verse in Hebrews where it speaks that ‘Without faith it is impossible to please God …Those who come to Him must believe that HE IS …AND that HE is a REWARDER of those who DILIGENTLY SEEK HIM.”

    Many may even believe IN God but so also do the devils according to Jesus statement …it is our necessity to BELIEVE GOD …and active and ongoing trust and pursuit with the understanding that as we continue to pursue Him and ask for HIM to help us understand what HE has written for us to consider and digest as well as live IN …that HE will eventually provide us with the wisdom we so desperately need.

    As you have said….many don’t want to bend to that way of living in The WAY , The Truth and The Life who is Jesus Christ because there is a fear of not fitting in in this world among others who don’t know nor realize the great love God has for all who are fallen and born dead in trespasses in sin and know it NOT!

    God is not unable to work these things out ….but we often want what WE want and HOW WE think it should be …but GOD has revealed HIS WILL and what HE is willing and able to do within the context of HIS overreaching plan and according to HIS character.

    To learn what HE has revealed IS HIS way and will and what HE has said is OUR part in all of how we may live within that ….we need to ‘submit to GOD …resist the devil and he will flee’ but there are other aspects that we learn of HOW we may live even as we go through this world and are build up by HIS working things out in us through our taking up the Word …which is also called the sword of the spirit ” that we might have the view God has of all things….His perspective ..reveals to us what is IN US ..aka ‘the beam ‘ and what all things that are around us …in this world are by HIS measure…and view.

    It does not always happen all at once but it is something we are ‘born’ from above …or ‘born again’ as Jesus put it through believing in HIM as our Savior …many do not even appreciate this because they don’t know they NEED a Savior ..the world has supplanted the affection and need for Jesus Christ with the temporal things that appeal to the flesh.

    Thus with the ignorance of this …though we all have the witness of the creation and the testimony of a conscience which Roman’s one speaks of …there are many ‘ditches’ even within the faith that we need to have the WORD in our OWN mind and heart and with asking our Lord to teach us and supply us with understanding and wisdom so that we are not deceived by the various ‘flavors’ of what claims to be the faith of Jesus Christ.

    So within and without the body we have a need for our individual study of the Word that we might not be ashamed before our God ….daily study …eating the Word …because unless we have the genuine in mind we will not realize when we accept something other than God ‘s Word which IS THE Truth.

    Many claim His name and even some false one’s use that name attached to their various doctrinal offerings for gain! ….The weight of authority by association brings a temporal gain …big numbers of followers but they are also at great risk for the loss of all things ‘this world AND eternal …since what we do here will go through fire …even though the soul may be saved.

    False teachers….deception is the name of the ‘game ‘ in the last days …even as the ‘last days ‘began in the first century with the entrance of the Gnostics…and today we have the neo Gnostics and various other purveyors of the same old lie …’Hath GOD said ‘ ….we need to have the WORD and cling to Him….

    So it is ….I too am in a struggle NOT with flesh and blood but with those things which creep into our minds…spiritual things which are not OF the Lord but are as scripture tells us of the principalities and powers of the air which will come to nothing but are presently at work to steal , kill and destroy the hearts of those who are not equipped with the whole armour of GOD …which protects the heart …soul…mind and body which is laid down according the first commandment to learn to love God by way of submitting to His Word.

    You were so right on when you reminded me and others that the one who has committed adultery and is not repentant is in much need …but we also are in need …if we are Jesus Christ’s to walk not after the flesh but to do everything to stretch forth to the mark of the high calling in Jesus Christ to put on the whole amour of GOD trusting that by HIM and HIS working all things after the good pleasure of His will …His word will work IN those who trust in Him to bring all things about according to His will in us as we persevere after Him.

    This is not a modern day concept accepted by many …in our age ..there is a lot of ‘doing’ but not a lot of obeying what God has told us to follow after. Living IN and BY Jesus Christ is NOT natural ..and so we are told to study daily what He has provided in all scripture God breathed as in 2 Tim 3:16 instructs.

    I once asked the Lord “How do I do the first commandment?” and He led me to read ‘ This is love ….Keep my words”

    I felt at the time that many would rather do the second commandment than do the first one …and yet how are we equipped to obey GOD ‘s will and please HIM if we do not have His words? How do you “keep” what you do not know?

    I am not ‘more saved’ because of this but I am being matured …and even with all the opposition to this ..through the world , the flesh and the various deceptions abounding today …I am assured by the Lord through HIS word that HE will complete that which I have commuted unto HIM against that day and He will do all things well and in His time frame.

    MY task and assignment is to fill up on His Word and to keep it and to ask Him to ‘guide me into all truth ‘ found in His completed cannon, which cannon is challenged today even as it was in the Garden of Eden and confronted in Jesus Christ …the same temptations brought…to prove to Eve …then Jesus …and now each person ” Hath God said….’ and indeed for me …I know HE has provide all I need pertaining to life and godliness within His recorded scriptures.

    I am still growing ..and the longer I live and the more I face trials I see that they are indeed no challenge for our God but they are for me …and that I might stand still and see the deliverance of the Lord.

    Even with a pretty good ‘track record” of having seen the Lord work things out …this is admittedly one of the hardest ones…but how much more will the deliverance of it be?

    So thank you for the reminder Cheaterswife…your compassion for the situations we all are in was genuinely welcome …not just for me …but for the poor souls trapped in the darkness of their choices …God is still able to save …for what is impossible with man …is possible with the Lord as we continue in His Word He is faithful to do all things for HIS glory and our good….not a cliche as it may appear but …I have been eyewitness to this truth …yet …I still wobble at times…..Thank you for your lovely post!

    Romans 8 King James Version (KJV)

    8 There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit.
    2 For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus hath made me free from the law of sin and death.
    3 For what the law could not do, in that it was weak through the flesh, God sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh, and for sin, condemned sin in the flesh:
    4 That the righteousness of the law might be fulfilled in us, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit.
    5 For they that are after the flesh do mind the things of the flesh; but they that are after the Spirit the things of the Spirit.
    6 For to be carnally minded is death; but to be spiritually minded is life and peace.
    7 Because the carnal mind is enmity against God: for it is not subject to the law of God, neither indeed can be.
    8 So then they that are in the flesh cannot please God.
    9 But ye are not in the flesh, but in the Spirit, if so be that the Spirit of God dwell in you. Now if any man have not the Spirit of Christ, he is none of his.
    10 And if Christ be in you, the body is dead because of sin; but the Spirit is life because of righteousness.
    11 But if the Spirit of him that raised up Jesus from the dead dwell in you, he that raised up Christ from the dead shall also quicken your mortal bodies by his Spirit that dwelleth in you.
    12 Therefore, brethren, we are debtors, not to the flesh, to live after the flesh.
    13 For if ye live after the flesh, ye shall die: but if ye through the Spirit do mortify the deeds of the body, ye shall live.
    14 For as many as are led by the Spirit of God, they are the sons of God.
    15 For ye have not received the spirit of bondage again to fear; but ye have received the Spirit of adoption, whereby we cry, Abba, Father.
    16 The Spirit itself beareth witness with our spirit, that we are the children of God:
    17 And if children, then heirs; heirs of God, and joint-heirs with Christ; if so be that we suffer with him, that we may be also glorified together.
    18 For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us.
    19 For the earnest expectation of the creature waiteth for the manifestation of the sons of God.
    20 For the creature was made subject to vanity, not willingly, but by reason of him who hath subjected the same in hope,
    21 Because the creature itself also shall be delivered from the bondage of corruption into the glorious liberty of the children of God.
    22 For we know that the whole creation groaneth and travaileth in pain together until now.
    23 And not only they, but ourselves also, which have the firstfruits of the Spirit, even we ourselves groan within ourselves, waiting for the adoption, to wit, the redemption of our body.
    24 For we are saved by hope: but hope that is seen is not hope: for what a man seeth, why doth he yet hope for?
    25 But if we hope for that we see not, then do we with patience wait for it.
    26 Likewise the Spirit also helpeth our infirmities: for we know not what we should pray for as we ought: but the Spirit itself maketh intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered.
    27 And he that searcheth the hearts knoweth what is the mind of the Spirit, because he maketh intercession for the saints according to the will of God.
    28 And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.
    29 For whom he did foreknow, he also did predestinate to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brethren.

    [predestination does not mean predetermined…man has a free will as far as God is concerned …the devil seeks to tamper with that choice making by way of “lures…to sin actively which opens the ‘door” to the mind where man’s choices are made …either based upon obedience to the Word of God which is truth or by feelings and things not of the Word which are deceptions…..]

    30 Moreover whom he did predestinate, them he also called: and whom he called, them he also justified: and whom he justified, them he also glorified.
    31 What shall we then say to these things? If God be for us, who can be against us?
    32 He that spared not his own Son, but delivered him up for us all, how shall he not with him also freely give us all things?
    33 Who shall lay any thing to the charge of God’s elect? It is God that justifieth.
    34 Who is he that condemneth? It is Christ that died, yea rather, that is risen again, who is even at the right hand of God, who also maketh intercession for us.
    35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?
    36 As it is written, For thy sake we are killed all the day long; we are accounted as sheep for the slaughter.

    37 NAY, in ALL these things we are MORE THAN conquerors THOUGHT HIM that loved us.

    38 For I am persuaded, that neither death,
    nor life,
    nor angels,
    nor principalities,
    nor powers,
    nor things present,
    nor things to come,
    39 Nor height,
    nor depth,
    nor ANY other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is IN Christ Jesus our Lord.

    WOW…..so that is a GREAT REMINDER of the provision of our Savior,..and I suspect if we did not NEED to hear it often it would not be written and recorded so often for us to be comforted in the midst of all we go through in this world.

    Jesus prayed in His last prayer for His followers that His Father would not take them out of this world as they came to Him but that He would KEEP us as we go through this world ….and I think it is so that we are kept here to learn and grow all that we might as we obey His command to study the scriptures HE provided in the Bible …but also that we might be part of testifying to others that they might have hope in the scriptures to come to Jesus Christ and to have their own relationship with Him as they did/do so.

    Time is short not matter if we are rapture out or pass into eternity …our souls are eternal and so we need to realize our need for the Savior …and God has demonstrated that man is not saved by any other name under heaven …Jesus Christ …every knee will bow and every mouth will confess that HE is Lord …and thus NOW is the day of salvation …delay to seek Him and continue in Him is more deadly than many realize …so we seek to obey GOD rather than men …that some may awaken to the great love that God has for us .

    Matt 11:
    26 Even so, Father: for so it seemed good in thy sight.
    27 All things are delivered unto me of my Father: and no man knoweth the Son, but the Father; neither knoweth any man the Father, save the Son, and he to whomsoever the Son will reveal him.
    28 Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
    29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.
    30 For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

  53. I am so glad I found this website. I found out back in October that my husband had been unfaithful to me. It happened only once but that one time has now resulted in a pregnancy. the womand says the baby is my husbands. We will have a DNA test done once the baby is born. Since she is not due until June we still have a few months with no real answers and a lot of questions. My husband and I have been married for a little over 5 years and have been trying to conceive our own child since the day we married. We have went through test after test, fertility treatments with no success. With nothing found that tells us why we have not been able to have a child of our own. Now this woman is having the child we have prayed about for so long. How do I accept this? How do I forgive my husband for this betrayal? I have prayed about this and know I want to save my marriage and I want to love this child. I have prayed for a child for so long and have accepted (or tried to) that if God wants to give my husband a child in this way then I will accpet His will. But I often wonder if I am really strong enough to handle caring for another woman’s child. I do have children from a previous marriage and have watched my husband love and care for my children since they were in elementary school. We have been together for nearly 12 years. My children are now 21, 18 and 16 so he has been a “bonus” dad to my children for most of their lives and they see him as a father. So how will this effect the way they see him? And me? Will they respect me as a woman for forgiving him and staying in the marriage? We have not told anyone in our family about what is going on. We want to make sure the baby is his before we do. But that leaves me with keeping a secret I never thought I would have to carry. I guess I am just looking for advice on how to deal with all of this and to maybe hear stories where someone was in my position but through their strength in God was able to overcome so many obstacles and save their marriage.

  54. Amanda,

    [WOW this came out VERY LONG ….I just began to share what I have been learning and you can take what you will from it. Study of the Word has been my main thing for the last 46 years….but since D Day I asked the Lord “HOW DID THIS HAPPEN ..what has happened to the church ..and the society ” so I had my ‘assignment if you get what I mean…..so this is long ..apologies to anyone who is not prone to read such . All of it requires us to examine what is offered in study of the scriptures themselves to see how this understanding sits there.]

    Ahhhh so difficult for you!!!! I am so sorry for what you are going through ..so much seems to be laid upon your shoulders and as you have pointed out you would LIKE to do what GOD would want you to in this …I have written at length some things for you to consider. I don’t believe what I have written is very comforting sadly …but the situation is one that we are not supposed to have to deal with …

    I think because in the days gone by adultery, discovered and proven, those found guilty were ” eliminated”! Awk~ I don’t think even in our pain we would want that to happen to our dear wayward spouses! Angry yes…but still in hope of a godly solution and a desire for reconciliation .

    I warn you …it will take TIME and a lot of effort to make the changes that are needed for you to trust and heal and he will need to learn out of this and endure the process of helping you and your marriage and family heal….but GOD will empower an obedient repentant person to take responsibility for disciplining his own life. Help is available as we go to the Word of GOD and ask …and then accept what HE will show you as you do.

    This is hard in the midst of your present state, perhaps you feel that is an UNDERSTATEMENT …. …I KNOW….but keep on finding ways to study the scripture …listen to it …read it …and petition the Lord to help you live through this as you will need His strength and wisdom in the days to come.Do word studies of various topics related that come to mind .

    The married man’s first jurisdiction is with keeping himself in the Word and the Word in him to help him direct his thoughts aright. The Word says we must renew our minds … CAST DOWN …imaginations…EVERY high thing …that hold themselves up AGAINST the knowledge of GOD and take CAPTIVE EVERY THOUGHT..to the obedience of Jesus Christ…Right living is not ‘natural’ as many might think…the ‘carnal mind is ENMITY AGAINST GOD” …so we need to put the Word into ‘action ‘ in our thinking about everything! God gave us His Word so we have no excuse to ignore this great life giving resource !It is a meal worth taking time to enjoy…even in sorrow…dear friend.

    He does not own anyone but GOD and his wife his time, energy , thought life, all his resources…the KEY to understanding this is to understand JURISDICTIONS that GOD has set for each person …gender specific ones too …and in those jurisdictions we are empowered to carry them out rightly IF we will acknowledge HIM in every thing! That takes Knowing what HE has recorded for us to learn ..Jesus called it ‘bread’ …or DAILY bread….so let me see if I can share some of what He has been working into my understanding over a lengthy lifetime of seeking …stumbling …falling and getting back up ‘on the horse’ of the walk of faith we so desire ..even in the midst ..ESPECIALLY in the midst of these trials …..

    As I read your post the situation between Abraham and Sarah came to mind. Though you and your husband are not in the same situation as Abraham who had a distinct promise to him personally about the Lord causing Sarah to have a child . The dynamic is still seeming to apply that the effort by Abraham to have a child by “surrogacy” was not the will of GOD and it is confirmed by Jesus Christ that the dynamic of marriage is ONE MAN and ONE WIFE.

    Even with the encouragement by Sarah for Abraham to take her slave as a surrogate ‘wife’ the idea of more than one wife was never the intention nor will of God. As Jesus confirmed ‘from the beginning’ the will and intent of GOD was ONE man , ONE woman for life.

    Something to consider is that of JURISDICTION . When man was ordained to ‘keep ‘ the garden …God empowered him to do so but man had to access GOD to know how to do that …and to obey the command to do so. Adam did not ..He allowed the Serpent to remain and even to approach Eve. The scriptures tell us that Adam ‘was WITH Eve’ and was definitely given the jurisdiction and charge to not only keep or guard the garden from predators and dangers but to also PROTECT HIS WIFE.

    Provision and protection is the jurisdiction given to husband of wives…and that will cover the children of the marriage …also he is to protect unmarried women from his own fleshly lust by keeping himself under the covenant agreement he made when he married .

    Within the marriage the man is also to take responsibility for HIS OWN CHILDREN OF THE MARRIAGE. Polygamy in pagan cultures found it’s way into some of old testament records of men who took more than one wife, but still it was not the design of marriage as GOD set forth in Genesis.

    It is also interesting that in Genesis 6 the angels that left their first estate to marry wives plural are an example of how the devil intended to try to deter if not bring about contamination of the whole human race in effort to keep the ‘seed of the woman ‘ from coming …Jesus Christ.

    It is instructive to see that religions other than Bible based Christianity often approve of multiple wives in effort to bring about a larger population of their religious and more importantly political intention to ‘win or dominate by numbers of people’ This is seen also in scripture.

    Jesus said that we are not OF THIS world and that our overcoming is not by the ‘many’ but that those who follow Him in truth will find the way Narrow and only few will persist and preserve to follow that Way. Salvation begins with believing He is your Savior and though He FINISHED all of what was needed for our Salvation, our quality of walk and life and overcoming in this world is connected to and by our continuing in fellowship with him.

    For anyone to try to live outside of their God design and ordained jurisdiction will find it not as glorifying to God . The provision of the empowerment promised to those who obey Him and remain faithful to live within the jurisdiction God set up is an important aspect of what we need to think about here.

    A man’s first with relationships to be with GOD …aka …the new birth makes this available to fallen man. Adam started out well but the Fall marred that relationship with God …Jesus Christ’s death and resurrection repaired that breach and all who trust in His life, death and resurrection may enter into a new and living way with our Father.

    The Second jurisdiction for Adam and the MAN of a which becomes theirs alone when they marry. Along with all the privileges there are indeed many responsibilities that in trying to re-designate those things that are within that jurisdiction to others NOT ordained to function with in that marriage … bring much chaos and confusion and eventually destruction.We see this in the lives of Abraham , King David to name just two and the damage done that occurs in the lives of their families for generations….sigh.

    In our culture man has ruled by influences used outside the jurisdictions God ordained for men as they left the first one …with GOD …and in marriage.Man, in records of our cultural decline, we see left the home to work and FOR work . This happened in a big way in the Industrial Revolution. Father’s out of the home in the way they had been functioning … left off teaching and TRAINING HIS OWN CHILDREN which is one of the things GOD ordained the man to do .

    Deu 11:19 And ye shall teach them your children, speaking of them when thou sittest in thine house, and when thou walkest by the way, when thou liest down, and when thou risest up.

    In taking upon himself the jurisdiction of husband and then father his first duty was not to the work place even as he was commanded to work …work was not only for man to provide for his family ..in fact in the beginning GOD provided food for Adam and Eve,but work is part of what fulfills a man and drives him to GOD , hopefully , to learn HOW to live within his jurisdiction in a godly way.

    What God ordains He empowers …the Jurisdiction of Husband has not been changed by GOD …SOCIETY has moved to take all of what men were given to function in and moved men AND WOMEN to go to work outside the home .

    The idea of women leaving the home to work was a campaign to get a TWO INCOME TAX ….and additionally to create a void that was to be ‘filled’ by the plan to raise up children who would serve the STATE….

    All in opposition to the will of GOD …As a young college student I heard the instructor in my teacher training tell us that we had to get the respect and obedience away from the parents to direct it to ourselves in order to gain authority over the children and keep order….for the purpose of transferring the content of the secular humanist manifesto embedded in the school curriculum…’ aka “doctrine” found within the teaching of the government schools….see ” The Underground History of American Schools” by three time teacher of the year in NYC schools , John Taylor Gatto …for a read that will curl your hair…IF I had not been privy to the information I would not have believed it …God has a way of guiding those who are willing to pay attention to HIS WORD into all truth …sometimes from places we had not thought of as the knowledge of His word in will shine the light on things.

    God’s ORDER has not been changed …Man has been under influences that turned him from heeding the Word of GOD ever since the Fall wherein Adam did not interrupt Eve to refresh his memory and Eve’s but allowed the whole scenario to unfold to all of the destruction we observe since.

    God even proclaimed that ‘MY PEOPLE …are DESTROYED for lack of knowledge ..they have forsaken me …and hewn for themselves cisterns’ …broken cisterns that can hold no water…’ in other words religious ideologies and fleshly theories that suit people’s desires and feelings to please themselves and others without regard to what GOD warns is wise and good!

    What you are suffering is very sorrowful , especially since you have been trying to have child by your husband . I believe this is adding insult to injury ! VERY HARD for you …yet …to consider that the other woman ‘s child is ‘God’s ” provision I believe is an error no matter how well meant. Adoption MAY be the outcome in your effort to extend yourselves for the sake of the child and for the opportune situation to give your husband a child but it is still going to involve the OW where in a ‘regular’ adoption does not often come with the same kind of ‘baggage ‘ as this arrangement will. I am pretty sure this has not been lost on you at this time either.

    This is very difficult as I observe the way Sarah and Hagar ended up having to deal with this kind of arrangement and THAT was Sarah’s idea in the first place…With understanding where “IDEAS ” come from that are not from GOD and seeing the massive consequences down through history that came from Abraham not sticking to his guns and believing the words GOD spoke to him …we now have at least ONE situation recorded for us to consider in the Word of GOD in how those dealt with trying to have a child in a way that GOD had not instructed Abraham to expect. This ‘way’ of getting a child was not ordained for Abraham and Sarah.

    Yes it was before the ten commandments were given and yet …we also see that even pagan kings of that time had an aversion to the sin of adultery as seen when Abraham had Sarah let the King think she was his sister because he was fearful he would lose his own life if the King wanted to take Sarah for his wife!

    Abraham was assuming something about the pagan King …perhaps based upon experience or hearsay about that King …at any rate God warned the King that Sarah was Abraham’s wife and that King reproved Abraham since the King was aware that having sex with another man’s wife was deadly! hmmmm… not understood so much in today’s culture.

    This also shows that part of the jurisdiction of the husband was to protect his WIFE against his own flesh …lust damages the wife even if she is not aware of it being so …today’s media presents the idea of ‘lust’ being ‘love’ . A view promoted to the damaging of many both men and women….young girls believing their worth is in how many boys are drawn to lust over them! This too is a product of not having a father who will invest in protecting his daughters need for approval and her need for protection from the influences of the fallen world and young men with weak character.

    Manipulation of women by approaching their vulnerability, particularly emotionally …is very much a part of God’s instruction to fathers as also raising young men in learning to protect women’s virtue …These are lost pretty much in today’s culture….defending a woman’s virtue is thought to be “passe’ yet God’s Word reveals the PURPOSE of such a character trait.

    One lie offered and taken up by some is that men have ‘needs’ and if the wife does not ‘fulfill ‘ her ‘duty ‘ of sexual pleasure then the man can’t help but find an ‘outlet’ …How flattering is that for those who think being the OW is a complement or flattering!

    The truth is …man was COMMANDED to reign in his flesh and to govern himself by the Word of GOD way before marriage. It was protective of his own life ..as sin opens the door to more ‘impulsive ideas’ not from GOD to do whatever ….and it protects young women from being violated by men who do not control themselves. The doctrine of sex being a ‘need ‘ has brought many down with a sort of ‘excuse’ of ‘need’…Air , water , and food are “NEEDS” …the present day culture FEEDS and INFLAMES the flesh and so men seem to ‘need ‘ more sex! ….Even in marriage LUST is not to be the foundation of even marital desire. Situations may arise when there is NO possibility of sexual activity with the spouse …so then …”put it to sleep and starve the appetite rather than act upon an infidelity thought or opportunity with some kind of excuse….God is not mocked and the society mocks and passes out disinformation aka lies on a grand flood basis daily.

    None of this is intended to condemn people when they have sinned but to warn because the damage done by sin is still being encouraged in many ways simply because our thinking is not filled with the things GOD set forth or not being understood in how they need to be applied and people SUFFER …even if they have not meant harm!

    Whatever is a GOD ORDAINED JURISDICTION ..is not up for redefinition or as today’s change agents would put it ‘re branding’ …Some aspects of governing are seen through the various administrations as GOD deal with man as man exercised his free will choices which often brought about a need for a change in the way GOD would relate with man for the purpose of GOD carrying forward His plans….but many of those foundational doctrinal truths and practices were not changed with the ‘times’ …and stand as certain as the Rock who is Jesus Christ whose own jurisdiction is THE CHURCH body first .

    God set the protocol for man’s responsibilities in marriage ..God first ,…wife next …children of the marriage …for the provision and protection of the marriage covenant…no ‘additions’ which would be mutations. OUR culture has done with marriage and family what has been the way Satan has moved ever since the Garden …to have sin progress from being a ‘realty ‘ to be tolerated …then accepted …then normalized then legitimized….such is the case with ‘blended families’ created out of sinful situations…children have had to learn to accept what is not the way GOD has set forth HIS WILL for men ,women, marriage, family …HIS WORD is STILL the same ..God does not change …Jesus Christ is the same …yesterday , today and forever.

    A couple who marry out of adultery do not change God ‘s definition of marriage and it’s function …but today we DO have the opportunity to awaken to sin and confess it and change our ways to line up with His Word. Forgiveness of sin is not license to continue in it …the result of many divorces not based upon biblical causes …adultery or abandonment is bringing about what some call ‘serial polygamy’ …I am certainly not assuming nor presuming anything of how you are married now….widowhood is biblically acceptable way of marriage for all the good reasons marriage is….any other form is “challenging” to the believer who has been led to marry from non biblical perspectives but NOT IMPOSSIBLE if the WORD takes the lead and is brought to the table to learn …

    I know I risk being seen as a scrooge bringing this up but there it is …I battle too with this and continue to study the topic….BUT for whatever reason GOD has the marriage and roles of jurisdiction set the way He has one thing is for sure …the children were to grow up with parents whose lives would example and teach by the very setting of marriage relationship …about Jesus Christ’s sacrificial life …laying down His flesh for the purpose of our salvation …men who love their wives according to the way GOD has given husband’s instructions….a LOT of instruction will not have TIME to cheat…nor the urge to …since a man like that is SO EASY to respect and love in return.

    Man with Christ as His ‘head ‘ or leader will learn to do what GOD has done…”We love HIM BECAUSE HE FIRST loved us’ …..such a great truth.

    I pray that this …more than lengthy post will not being more heartbreak but the truth is useful for us …and NOTHING shared should be accepted out of hand but seek UNDERSTANDING which comes from seeking and asking the Lord to make the truth of HIS Word live for you in your situation …but keeping in mind the truths of some aspects of our lives are pretty much unchanged from the way GOD designed them to work the best.

    It is my desire and hope for you that you are able to surrender to the Lord all that is a challenge for you in this very difficult situation …and that ultimately that your desire to please the Lord and represent Him well as you determine to do all things for His glory will be useful to the untangling of this trial you are going through…

  55. Awk…please make word correction in the line…

    “He does not own [SHOULD READ “OWE” anyone, but GOD and his wife his time, energy , thought life, all his resources…the KEY to understanding this is to understand JURISDICTIONS that GOD has set for each person…”

  56. My husband and I have been married for 7 years now, have two kids together, have been through two deployments totaling about 27 months, and some financial troubles. my “D Day” was September 29, 2014. I was informed of the affair and the child, who was due the next month. I wanted to scream, hit, kick and even bite my way to some kind of freedom from what I wanted to me a nightmare! I tried so hard to make myself wake up, but nothing worked.

    He was and has been very apologetic about that entire thing, and we want to make it work. I’m very bitter when it comes to her. I’ve forgiven him, but haven’t forgotten. I still will randomly break down in tears wondering how this could have happened to me. As far as forgiving her, I know I could. I have never met this woman, but she knew I existed prior to the affair.

    I need some good advice from women who have been through this …

    He still has contact with the OW! He has a little girl with her and they still text and call. It’s usually about the daughter, but I’ve seen some from her that are just little conversation starters. For example, her texting him “morning”, and he responded with the same. That made my blood boil! I see that as un warranted contact with her, and VERY inappropriate behavior.

    He’s a very good and caring father. When I see him with our two children it makes me love him even more. So when he goes to HER apartment that they got together during the affair, I have it in my mind that she will still love him because he is a good father to his daughter.

    I don’t want to keep him from his daughter, she did nothing wrong and should not be punished by not knowing her dad. At the beginning of our “talks” over boundaries, I wanted him to only be able to go over there with my present, even just in the car in the parking lot.

    He’s about to be out of state for work for a couple of months, and I’d like to talk to him before he’s gone, but how could I bring this up without damaging our marriage?

    1. Hello Meg,

      I felt pressed to respond to you, firstly let me acknowledge your pain, anguish and utter dispair. It cannot go un recognised or unaddressed. Meg you have made a wise choice by sticking by your husband and working towards reconciliation. Whilst there maybe pain, there is no shame in being part of the redemptive process of a good man! It is not an easy road and there will be many painful reminders along the way. However it will get easier.

      Before we go there I read some major alarm bells in your text. By no means should she still have direct contact with your husband and they should not be corresponding on a personal level. Nor should he be going to her apartment to see the child.

      Firstly some boundaries and rules need to be re-established in your marriage to protect your marriage. By allowing your husband and the OW free access to each other this is encouraging and enabling a potential re-kindling of adultery.

      When purchasing a house or any land there are boundaires both within and outside of the lands jurisdiction. This means that anything within the boundary must be of a safe standard that does not affecting the security of the home or land it sits on. Everything outside of the boundary must first be checked before it can come wtihn the boundary of the home or acquired land.

      The OW must stay outside of the boundary and this means all communciation must only be with regards to the child and be done in an open forum that you BOTH have access to. Your husband needs to change his number and restrict it from her. Another contact must be established that you both have access to and is managed so that it does not encroach on your lives. i.e protected times when the phone is turned off ( family times, date nights, holidays)

      Firstly your husband needs to come in alignment with the security that needs to be set around your marraige and himself, he is not a sole commodity he belongs and is responsible to you and his family. Therefore he does not belong to himself and should protect himself, emotionally, spiritually and physically for the sake of those he belongs to and is responsbile for and to.

      A no contact letter needs to be sent to the OW. This maybe different as a child is involved however it must still be made clear that SHE is responsbile for the sole upbringing of the child, she cant call or text every time the child falls and scrapes her knee or gets a cold, no good mornings or good nights, no how are you or small talk.

      You can have a look on this site for good no contact letters and adapt them to what suits you. See the link below.


      Once this has bene done you BOTH then invite her to mediation where you agree visitiation dates and times for the child. She drops the child in a public place and collects her in a public place, there is no need for your husband to be entering her home. It is completley inappropriate and unreasonable. She also has to acknowledge that he has a wife and that if the child is to be in your husband life she will have to agree that you too will be coming along for the visits, if this is something you can manage at this time or the near future. However either way there must be no playing “happy families” the ONLY family your husband has is with you.

      Once these boundaries are set in place you will start to feel somewhat “safe” again, within your marraige. It will also give your hsuband the much needed freedom he needs to take back control of the situation and bring it back in alignment with Gods will.

      Your husband needs to be preapred to stand on the things i have mentioned above to the point where if she disagress and tries to call his bluff he stands his ground and insists no visits until the boundaries are acknowldeged and respected by her and firmly established.

      Above all else the marriage must and should come first. Yes there is a child involved however the childs needs must not be put over or above the marriage, as long as you both agree to do what is right for the child and there is a safe environment that ALL of you can meet so that he can build a relationship with the child then that is all that is important.

      God will give you the strength, he has also given you the weapons you need to fight this battle.

      2 Corinthians 10:4 For the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh but have divine power to destroy strongholds

      Meg, you are not helpless, you have the power through Jesus Christ to claim back your marraige and your husband. Through him all things are made possible and in our weakness he is made strong.

      I feel so much love for you, I cant explain, but I never thought i would hear myself saying that i thank God that i have bene through this so that I can help and encourage others.

      God is with you.

      Bless xx

      1. I LOVED this post …I was so busy with my LENGTHY post I did not get it finished …you put this SO well while I was on a ‘roll’ . I am thankful to see your loving confirmation and great counsel to Meg and all who are in this sad situation.

        Unfortunately I am STILL waiting for my husband to wake up …the dynamic for us has been the damage done by his lengthy relationship with not just the OW ..who he is not in any way interested in and says he has not even laid eyes on her in years….but his attachment to the children of the adultery built a stronger bond to them .

        His relationship with them actually simply replaced his need to escape reality and the effort to live in a genuine and transparent way with me and our family.

        He is still demonstrating secretiveness, withholding, and distancing while trying to create his independent life so he can ‘be a father’ to those kids even though he only sees them randomly as his schedule permits him to fit them in for a few hours a week.

        No reality in any of his relationships. A sad state . Our children were raised in the Word and homeschooled and so it really is a lesson in dealing with something from outside our expectations with his really excellent ability to deceive and live a duplicitous life. I thought if nothing else he was too proud of his ‘integrity’ to put this kind of dangerous situation together. Guess I underestimated the effect of James Bond and the life with the temptation to ‘walk on the wild side’ and ‘living the life’ that strikes a cord in some who reject continuing in the Word .

        I do hope and pray for those whose spouses are truly cooperative and willing to be accountable and to learn what their responsibilities are to their own spouse….so loved you for your encouraging counsel here.

        My husband simply is not willing to do anything he does not think of himself. The sad thing is that from what I can tell from my Bible…people who do not have the thoughts of GOD and concern themselves with those ..will not realize where the thoughts they have flowing through their minds are on the truth or skewed…..

        Thanks again for your post…Lord be glorified as we continue on …

      2. Zaza/Lovey

        Every time I hear your story it makes me weap. Many times i do feel empathy for the DS but in this case I feel angry for you that your husband has chosen, (yes he is making a choice) to continue with this sin and selfishness. He is not enjoying himself, he is not having fun or getting his way. he is like an ox to the slaughter. Proverbs 7 describes her in detail and his slaughter.

        Proverbs 7

        Warning Against the Adulterous Woman

        7 My son, keep my words
        and store up my commands within you.
        2 Keep my commands and you will live;
        guard my teachings as the apple of your eye.
        3 Bind them on your fingers;
        write them on the tablet of your heart.
        4 Say to wisdom, “You are my sister,”
        and to insight, “You are my relative.”
        5 They will keep you from the adulterous woman,
        from the wayward woman with her seductive words.

        6 At the window of my house
        I looked down through the lattice.
        7 I saw among the simple,
        I noticed among the young men,
        a youth who had no sense.
        8 He was going down the street near her corner,
        walking along in the direction of her house
        9 at twilight, as the day was fading,
        as the dark of night set in.

        10 Then out came a woman to meet him,
        dressed like a prostitute and with crafty intent.
        11 (She is unruly and defiant,
        her feet never stay at home;
        12 now in the street, now in the squares,
        at every corner she lurks.)
        13 She took hold of him and kissed him
        and with a brazen face she said:

        14 “Today I fulfilled my vows,
        and I have food from my fellowship offering at home.
        15 So I came out to meet you;
        I looked for you and have found you!
        16 I have covered my bed
        with colored linens from Egypt.
        17 I have perfumed my bed
        with myrrh, aloes and cinnamon.
        18 Come, let’s drink deeply of love till morning;
        let’s enjoy ourselves with love!
        19 My husband is not at home;
        he has gone on a long journey.
        20 He took his purse filled with money
        and will not be home till full moon.”

        21 With persuasive words she led him astray;
        she seduced him with her smooth talk.
        22 All at once he followed her
        like an ox going to the slaughter,
        like a deer[a] stepping into a noose[b]
        23 till an arrow pierces his liver,
        like a bird darting into a snare,
        little knowing it will cost him his life.

        24 Now then, my sons, listen to me;
        pay attention to what I say.
        25 Do not let your heart turn to her ways
        or stray into her paths.
        26 Many are the victims she has brought down;
        her slain are a mighty throng.
        27 Her house is a highway to the grave,
        leading down to the chambers of death.

        We are all given free will and no matter how much we choose to decieve ourselves and tell our selves its for this reason ro that reason or for this person or that person it is all a lie. Your husband is using the situation and hiding behind it. He has and is choosing to opt out of any responsibility by trying to paly the marytr by doing what is right for “both”, he knows deep within himself that that is a lie from the pit of hell.

        Until he has his light bulb moment and i feel he already has he is just too selfish to walk in it, he is doing himself more harm than anyone else.

        In the interim I suggest you get on with your marriage, not the way it is by accepting him, but you need to make sure that those boundaires are reinforced and he is welcome to join you back in the covented home and bed once he falls back inline with Gods will.

        When i say get on with your marriage, date yourself again, treat yourself to manicures and pedicures, remember who you are and the talents and purpsoe that is within you and start walking in your destiny. Our God is a jealous God he has said over and over again that he wants us to love no one above him and that includes our spouse!

        Start dating Jesus, go out to meals with him and coffee with him and emerse yourself in his glory, praise be to God. Your husband will soon start to wonder who this new man is in your life and he will soon start to pursue.

        When he comes to the house pay him no mind in that do not allow him to see that he has emotional controll over you, dont be rude but let him see that you are no longer entertaining his choices because you have now made your own to LIVE! the word says to chose LIFE!

        I made a decision a long time ago to be the thermostat and not the thermometer, the thermometer merley reflects the temperature it has been placed in, and this is what many of us have done in our grief alloewd the situation to determine who we are and how our life will end up where as the thermostat sets the temperature. I be damned if anyone apart from Jesus is going to make the choices for my life.

        My husband made a choice for himself that he will have to live with forever i am not going to sit with him in it, however i will stand by him but he will have to walk his own walk daily. And as for that child he has out there I pity her more than anything. Being born of ADULTERY! That is a big hurdle to jump. Some of these kids will lie to themselves and belive in the Disney Tale that their parents fell in love and this and that, but when they get old enough to have their own relationships they will understand fully well, to no fault of their own.

        God is able, in everything he is able. This amazing scripture always shakes me into consciousness..

        Jeremiah 29:11

        For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

        HE HAS PLANS FOR US!!! regardless of the enemies plans HE the creator of the universe has plans for US!

        Selah xx

      3. Cheaterswife,

        I’ll say one thing ….[of course I say MANY things as you can see! ] What your situation has done for YOU and IN you it is evident that when a person has Jesus Christ and walks IN Him….learning day by day what that means …learning scripture and gaining understanding and wisdom >>>>THEN the counsel is evident in YOUR words and life.

        I have been kept busy with the things of my children who are all adults and since we are close they are people who actually enjoy their mom! But having said that I am grieved that their ‘launching’ into lives of their own seems , at the present time, to become invested in trying to stabilize ….not so much my son but our daughters.

        They know the Lord and we have our bible time daily. They enjoy their interests but one of the hurdles that seems to be for them in this is that they have not been in the worldly system and have opted not to date …but in addition to this there is a factor that seems to have brought about the isolation as you have noted to a greater degree in a lot of other things we struggle with ….getting among other people.

        We have found a church that seems to be biblically sound and love to go there . It is quite a distance from our home . Weather and physical illness sometimes seems to cause a lengthy stay at home dynamic . We are not as connected to other people and I don’t see this as our being lacking in social skills or love for others. Where ever we go we extend ourselves to engage and actually our acquaintances that have been the most ongoing are the people where we have been shopping .

        We have many with whom we ‘fellowship’ with apart from the wonderful group at the church we have found. Through sharing the Word that I have in me , exhorting and encouraging those I meet daily I have found little ‘nests’ of believers in stores and once identified …I exhort them to get together with others who work with them that they did not realize were believers too.

        This may not sound like much to some but to me it is at least something of a carrying out of what I have felt was part of my part in the body of Christ …to speak the Word , in season and out of season to anyone that came across my path and would appear to engage with what I shared. I have found it my joy to share , and then encourage people not to fear speaking of Jesus who know Him and for any of them to GO to the WORD themselves so that they can have the WORD right there in their own minds from the source….

        Anyway , having once been very active in fellowships , living with believers and even running classes and such …I am not shy about this . HOWEVER ….having any kind of deeper relationships seems yet another hurdle…Our home is increasingly requiring repair and I feel a bit overwhelmed. I do not feel comfortable engaging men whatsoever as I do not want to engage anyone’s “interest ‘ in me nor attract anyone that way.

        “Dating Jesus’ by way of ‘treating ” myself is a good suggestion and we DO treat ourselves with what resources we have. The ‘wall’ that seems to be our next area to work to lay before the Lord is this area of having to engage with anyone more deeply .

        My daughters do not seem to feel comfortable doing anything without the other…The church we attend has fellowships for an age range segregation . The general population offers a lot but we just don’t go out , driving at night unless there is a real emergency that we must do so.

        When a father has been a ‘perfect’ dad in the eyes of his kids and he breaches trust to such a degree it is VERY damaging to the way a daughter views any man …especially one that shows an interest in them …I know they have knowledge of how to vet a suitor but they are feeling the shame of what their father has done and now his random ‘dates’ with them may actually do more harm than good since he is very charming and even has been saying he is reading his Bible.

        I told him if he is really believing GOD then he would not continue doing what he is doing …The ‘god’ he has been believing in would not approve nor allow that he would go along this way.

        The Chapter in Proverbs you posted is one I am very familiar with and I agree the ‘strange woman ‘ is not just a false doctrine , false teacher but they do reflect the infidelity to GOD as the sin of adultery does. And the OW is exactly as this scripture reveals.

        Trusting ANYONE is difficult . Some people seem to think that if you are a Christian then ‘just BELIEVE GOD ” ….but as I have been finding in my studies there are things PEOPLE are given the JURISDICTION to be responsible for, otherwise why would believers be informed they have their responsiblities to be accountable to GOD for the jurisdiction they have ? The leaders have even MORE accountability for what they do and Husband’s and Father’s are assigned the task of leader …by their lives….because the closer a person is in your life in those contexts the more influence you have on them.

        I had to learn this as I went along first as a believer seeing our responsibilty to please the Lord and to not bring shame to His name …or lead others astray by our way of living our lives. Our example , though flawed , was to live life as we learned from the Bible and then applying what the Lord shows us in this walk …how to live so as to glorify Him.

        Some people may excuse their own unbelief by saying ..”Hey, I know people who say Jesus is Lord and they don’t live like they should’ but I answer …”Jesus lived a perfect life before all and many did not believe Him nor accept Him’ …This excuse will not fly !

        Everyone must confront themselves with the Word of GOD and agree that it is Truth and that God is worthy of our respect and obedience. It may take some TIME for the truths to sink in and for us to learn how to walk in them but the bottom line is that GOD is and that HE is not a liar and HE is GOOD ….all the time.

        Trusting the Lord is often played out in a variety of ways that are NOT what He was talking about as we learn how to understand from continuing in His Word… sometimes we do not get the proper understanding of something . I came the the Lord as an adult and I now have been finding out how many ‘normal’ things in my life prior to study of scripture were NOT of God or were only part of the truth…These areas were additional things that hindered me but over a lot of time and stumbling but keeping in the WORD I have been taught of GOD and corrected .

        Having reproof and correction has been a long process which for many times I did not even realize this ! I have had the same experience as many believers living in these last days of having trusted false teachers when I did not know what I did not know even with study of the Word. False teachers having been around since the beginning have increased and churches where false doctrines have become woven into their teaching has become more ‘normalized’ and thus people who do not know scripture are going along trusting a teacher because it ‘feels right’ …

        This parallels adultery in just the same way as we see in Prov 7 , seductive teachings and ideas that ‘seem right but lead to death’ are abounding. But the Lord WILL expose the false things sooner or later if we continue with Him and in our personal study of the Word . I have found that the WORD does shed light on all knowledge and situations …

        I have also found that with the D Day I have by determination put my eyes upon the Lord and been more and more deeply investigating all things in the WORD . I did this before I was married but was ‘taught’ about all kinds of false things even then as I did not always KNOW how to tell who was speaking the truth of the WORD . I had much to learn and study . In fact in some instances the amount of things offered as truth were astronomical …so many areas are now set upon lies and deceptions .

        Small wonder many do not know who to believe or trust in this world and those who love the Lord have need of diligent and urgent study . Small wonder also that many who are in the Word see the various indications that increased deception identified by Jesus and the prophets would be one of the characteristics of the end times conditions.

        My passion has been to learn WHAT has happened…HOW did we get to this place both in the church and in the world and the simple answer is not as simple as some might think …yet the truth is …the world is fallen…man is fallen …the Lord is coming and people who believe HIM …not just IN Him will find themselves smack dab in the middle of a huge ongoing conflict where in the created angel who thought to oppose all of what GOD is and does is ramping up …The devil’s time is short and deceiving people to act by flesh is opening many up for becoming unarmed and unaware of the war that wages against the truth.

        I see that though GOD did not MAKE people make the choices they have …the Devil is taking advantage of clueless , carnal man to lure him to become and open conduit for evil ideas and less and less resistant to those suggestions in his mind…unopposed by the Word of GOD.

        My ‘happiness’ is not a guarentee but those things which the Lord would have me do in response…not reaction …remain for me to learn about and to be not just ‘content’ with knowing He is and is doing all things for HIS glory and my good …but that my ultimate and even present life is IN HIM and my continuing ‘country’ is not here.

        In the meantime I do my best to do just as you have counselled and do agree with your view of what my husband has been doing …I told him so in several discussions but he has done JUST what you have said …Made darkness his companion …willfully yet I do see a bit of something there …only time will reveal if it is genuine desire for GOD and not just another smoke screen.

        In the meantime I do proceed to walk in the Lord …my take is that no one is as trustworthy as the Lord …and I don’t reject people whatsoever but I am just not as quick to ENtrust my confidence in them. This may be seen as a ‘sad ‘ result and it is rather hindering in ways , hiring help for work that must be done ….I am finding this a real struggle. I have experienced that when a man comes to do work …many times they are subtly influenced thinking that there is no man here to evaluate the character or watch over the work …Having had this thrust upon me over the years and my husbands acceptance that women can and now ought to do such things as hire men and then oversee the work …it is very stressful for me.

        My husband seems to feel that his presence does not make a difference…that many women do the work of men and are just as effective in commanding men…I am not comfortable with this kind of thing …I get railroaded ….I was not raised to take a place over men and have always felt this was difficulty. Over our many moves I have noted that some homes we looked at had no men’s clothing ..usually this became the sign that there was a divorce going on …sad , and also that in seeing the absence of any indication of a man in the home there was this awareness that there was room to take advantage of that !

        So I keep my husband’s clothes in place…he left most of them here. It is something of a deterrent …But when I had the whole remodel dumped in my lap and took it on because I thought it was what I SHOULD do as my husband volunteered me for that ..[that was before D DAY] I was not wanting to do that as it was a HUGE project and I was not prepared . With having done two huge moves I was exhausted.

        I did my best but we did get taken advantage of BIG TIME as he was not a presence and the workers quickly realized I was on my own and no one was there to answer to .

        I have been learning over all these years that many women take on things they are not equipped to do or they have become convinced that they need to prove themselves in the areas of life GOD ordained for men …but the effects of this kind of effort , though impressive among women who do excel is at great cost to their own jurisdiction.

        This may be argued to the cows come home but I have to think …design and equipping are important …I have not presumed to put sand in my car and expect it to run …I have not tried to use appliances by ‘believing’ ….seems to me that a distinct difference in gender has been God’s work and has an intention that HE revealed to us and we ‘work’ better as we do what He has designed us for.

        Knowledge and even ability are not the only things to consider for our life choice of work ….but the Humanists view people as a ‘commodity’ and a ‘tool’ that they wanted to form into whatever uses THEY felt were required with the least amount of resistance.

        The scriptures state that ‘Rebellion is AS the sin of WITCHCRAFT” failing to acknowledge authority of GOD left people in the hands of the manipulative machine of the world , the flesh and the devil …all working to ensnare and work deceptions of THIS world and to end up convincing people that their fleshly feelings were the way to determine what is ‘right’ …and once convinced of something being ‘beneficial’ to their comfort zones the rest was ‘all she wrote’ …finis!

        Wow…once again I have written a book….so much I have need to say it seems…and having anyone truly like minded on the Word and also having wisdom about this singular trial is something rare…Many offer ‘help’ but not all have the ‘credentials ‘ of the time and wisdom of the WORD along with a experience with this tragic sinful consequence. The Bible tells it like it is but it is helpful to speak with someone who also is a person ..

        Thus this thread has been of use for the sake of offering a view of how people deal with the shock and damages of D Day ….and perhaps offer the wisdom of GOD in the posts of those who have made not the lies of this world their refuge but found that the LORD is our ever present help in all of what we may encounter here….

        Until He comes for us …we continue in His word that we may be His disciples INDEED!

        Thanks and may the Lord continue to bless you with His matchless Word in all areas of your life ….

        His love reigns…!

  57. Meg,

    Well it appears that I am today’s ‘first responder’ ….Since my D Day …eight years ago I have been wading through the various fall out of my husband having had two children intentionally with a woman who KNEW he was married with small children but made an ‘arrangement ‘ to be his ‘side dish’ anyway > I did not discover this until both of the children were about 3 and 7 !

    It was most shocking , especially since I sacrificed so much for his ‘work’ and was always feeling like he was working ‘so HARD’ that I practiced being ‘understanding’ that he was gone so much of the time. We moved many times to accommodate his career as well. HA! If you care to read the many posts I have posted on this thread I will not repeat the things I have been learning in all of the dynamics that have effected our lives both before and after this discovery quite by accident.

    I have concluded that the continued contact with the children of adultery …even with my husband NOT wanting ‘anything to do with their mother’ has not been a good and healthy thing for either our marriage, our family or the children of the OW.

    The culture has taught people that for a child to grow up not knowing their bio father is a terrible thing. Though my husband is a ‘great guy’ and a ‘good father’ in many people’s eyes the dynamic of how he is in relationship with the children only teaches them that the ‘form’ of ‘family’ is normal and even good.

    I don’t know if you are a Bible believing person but in my study of how GOD designed and created the jurisdicion of marriage He also had a SPECIFIC purpose for how it was designed with two parents …not one …not three …or four ..and that was to be one man and one woman …not to be anti anything but simply pro finding out WHAT He originally had in mind and WHY ….and it turns out there are some VERY GOOD REASONS for the design of this relationship .

    The distinctions have a lot to do with the way design is to bring about the intended results in the life and character of a child and his future ability to be able to know what LOVE is and HOW it looks throughout a lifetime commitment to walk out on the truths of God’s Word to bring about what HE had in mind for us to know and experience.

    Thus any deviation …despite the way the culture , society and general fallen world may demand we conform to …GOD has weighed in on this and has said that believers who trust in Him and are born of the spirit of GOD by way of Jesus Christ are NOT to ‘be conformed to THIS world but to be transformed by the renewing of their minds…” aka to put on HIS WORD and think about things the way HE does!

    If this is your perspective on God and you regard with respect the Bible …despite many of the ways PEOPLE SAY the Bible is …then I would recommend you consult scripture and take a serious look at what God has set forth for His glory and our good .

    The society has pulled on the heart strings of human beings who are not knowledgeable of what the purpose and intention of the marriage and family dynamic is and do not know the whole depth of what gender distinctions are beyond the genitalia….so their is a lack of understanding why children need to be taught in a godly family in order to learn by watching how a man and a woman live as they learn to love in what GOD defines as a relationship for life trusting in HIM ….

    A child in the kind of relationship with a loving father who appears , spends some time with them and then disappears is teaching the child to think this is normal and good.

    It is a perversion of what GOD has intended marriage , family and parenting to be and do in the life of that child. So we see many people growing up without this and the culture continues to spiral into many ‘ditches’ because the feelings are put forth as criteria for truth .

    People may mean well but their perspective on what the child needs and what God reveals is HIS will for the child is not known …apart from learning and being willing to learn the whole basis for life and relationships we see a random attempt to give love from and emotional standpoint only ….being a parent by feelings and emotions leaves out many of the training and instruction in right living which the God Breathed Word will supply anyone who is interested and meek to seek this out.

    My husband was so sorry for his adultery YET his worry over the children of the OW who stated that she wanted to be a single mom by choice …and understood he would never leave his wife and children …STILL he wanted to ‘be’ in the children’s lives …because of this stigma of him not wanting to be a ‘dead beat dad” …and frankly …for our situation I think it is easier for HIM to be what I call now a ‘fair weather father ‘ to those kids than to face and deal with the mess he made.

    His interest in fatherhood was not all that invested in our own family even as I reminded him gently that he was ‘missing out’ but he was too involved with ‘work’ and at that time it was the OW who consumed his time, energy and much of our family income.

    He is still living in his independent , adolescent bachelor pad leaving all of us to deal with the daily things of life.

    I know you love your husband and many will pat him on the back for being a’ father ‘ to the child …but in the long run he is leading that child to believe in a fragmented version of family which our humanist society has urged people to approve of and continue to encourage.

    Despite how ‘good ‘ this has been defined by people who SAY they love children it is a false ‘teaching’ paradigm ….sooner or later the outcome is just what we see of other children who grew up having to accept the mutated version of marriage and family that we now see is PC all around.

    When will people ‘get’ that GOD is …and that HE created man …and provided the man with someone who is the compliment and equal to the man ….equal but distinct in strong suits of differences .

    I know I am preaching to the choir here.

    For our family and for the length of my having to study this issue deeply for the past eight years …there is MORE to this situation than just MY D Day or yours…it is a ‘plague ‘ out of the rejection of the wisdom of GOD because people have decide that people know more than GOD about what HE has brought forth for our GOOD …and for HIS GLORY …LIFE,…..MARRIAGE….and CHILDREN all are HIS idea and He has the best instructions on all of it.

    I hope you can sort your situation out …Love does not USE anyone for our own ‘feel good’ that includes being in a child’s life part time just because it makes HIM feel good ..while it is destroying YOU …HIS WIFE ..

    What I read in Genesis and then again with Jesus weighing in the man is to love GOD first …get his order there …and to love his WIFE …all others will be set rightly if the man will KEEP GOD FIRST .

    But then I am simply sharing my own results from study so far ….so you might want to read more of the posts here .

    There is a saying ” The best thing a husband can do for his children is to love HIS WIFE’

    Priorities and order have been badly skewed in our day and time…and the ‘results’ are what we see in the lives of kids who have now grown up in those ‘forms’ of marriage and family that have been what THEY lived with.

    A child born of adultery MAY have a true father provided if their mother will seek the LORD and surrender her ways to learn from HIM …He is really that much wiser than we are ! ….a TRUE life lesson perhaps?

    May your healing continue and may your husband wake up to the responsibilities he has TO GOD and YOU! ….I didn’t write the book…it was God breathed …

    Right now it is YOU who are HIS priority…and any children of your marriage…..

  58. Another topic…boundary setting . When we considered marriage we went through the various need for each of us respecting boundaries which would protect our love and marriage …He agreed and even made some good decisions about what and where they were needed. As time went on the boundaries were being challenged and he did not do anything to keep them but began to depart from them all the while keeping a ‘form’ or appearance of keeping them.

    Once he got to set up his alternate life starting with his office domain…and then later with his creating his own private life …all respect or regard for boundaries or accountability to anyone vanished…except those which he viewed as necessary to maintain his standing among his co workers and family …I was busy at home with the tasks of keeping our home…and teaching our children …

    When we marry we do our best …or I did my best to examine his actions and character according to the Word of GOD …some of the things that worked to allow the boundaries to fall away was me trusting the man who I had seen as trustworthy…and indeed he has kept most people thinking he is …even HE thinks of himself as trustworthy even as he hides and lies.

    This is what justfying himself has led him to believe even as he functions dishonestly and disloyally to GOd and me…and our family…which now is reduced to just me and three adult children.

    I find I have had little strength in setting boundaries with him because he ‘holds all the cards’ , especially financially . He pays the bills and gives me an ‘allowance ‘ to be able to feed me and our daughters. I am past employment age in my late 60’s . I am not opposed to working , but my skills and experience in my own career has long ago disappeared and health issues are now making my days inconsistent as far as being able to take on a job …plus many people who need work and have those skills need whatever jobs I might have more than I do.

    As I said also my daughters have been sheltered and have not worked outside the home. At one point my husband offered our oldest a job working in his office but she was no comfortable keeping his secret nor having people who may have known what he was up to seeing her there. His trips out of the office to see the other children being one of the things that bothered her. Her life has to some degree been dependent upon her father for everything. She grad college but did not life there …with honors I might add.

    The women in the work place is not just something they have decided or chosen …lack of knowledge of God’s intention and blessing upon women as homemakers and caretakers of children and elderly relatives has been belittled and many are forced into the arena of men out of necessity . Fathers who refused to watch over , protect and teach their children the ropes of living in this world . Fathers who would know the responsibility to protect their daughters from preditors. I believe the OW was not raised with respect of marriage …her mother was a widow who remarried a powerful man who lost everything due to his alcoholism. The pattern of desparate or angry women has brought forth more of the same …some have given up on men being what GOD intended since many boys are not brought into a solid understanding of manhood by fathers willing to learn and willing to apply what GOD has taught them in their own families.

    I am not making excuses here but sharing what might be of use to readers and therapists in this area as well …I am trying to expose the things that I did not know were going on in people’s lives as they divorced …no one talks about the fall out…it is ‘sad ‘ then life goes on and the depth of sorrow and damage is not known.

    I used to wonder about sad or angry faces of women as I was out and about and think …huh…wonder what happened to cause her to look that way …NOW I know…I make and effort to encourage and smile …because there is a saying “There are none who need a smile so much as those who have none to offer”

    Well I will …despite my ‘justified ‘ reason to frown …that only marrs my own face and countenance and clouds my Lord’s due glory …but sometimes it is just that …a decisive act of the will …which is indeed the whole point of what Jesus Christ exhorts…be not conformed to this world but be renewed in the spirit of the mind …” and ‘walk in the spirit and you will not fulfill the lusts of the flesh’

    Not so much ‘fake it til you make it ‘ but to walk in truth ..and the truth about those who know Christ is that this world is not our home and this life is not ours to please ourselves but to live unto HIM and He will bring about His victory in us…as we walk.

    Gotta go …thanks for your encouraging loving kind replies.

  59. Some say that Your pain often reveals God’s purpose for you. God never wastes a hurt! If you’ve gone through a hurt, he wants you to help other people going through that same hurt. He wants you to share it. God can use the problems in your life to give you a ministry to others. In fact, the very thing you’re most ashamed of in your life and resent the most could become your greatest ministry in helping other people.

    Who can better help somebody going through a bankruptcy than somebody who went through a bankruptcy? Who can better help somebody struggling with an addiction than somebody who’s struggled with an addiction? Who can better help parents of a special needs child than parents who raised a special needs child? Who can better help somebody who’s lost a child than somebody who lost a child?

    The very thing you hate the most in your life is what God wants to use for good in your life.

    The Bible says in 2 Corinthians 1, verses 4 and 6, “God comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When we are weighed down with troubles, it is for your comfort and salvation! For when we ourselves are comforted, we will certainly comfort you. Then you can patiently endure the same things” (NLT).

    This is called redemptive suffering. Redemptive suffering is when you go through a problem or a pain for the benefit of others.

    This is what Jesus did. When Jesus died on the cross, he didn’t deserve to die. He went through that pain for your benefit so that you can be saved and go to Heaven.

    There are many different causes for the problems, pains, and suffering in your life. Sometimes the stuff that happens you bring on yourself. When you make stupid decisions, then it causes pain in your life. If you go out and overspend and buy things you can’t afford and presume on the future, and then you go deeply in debt and lose your house, you can’t say, “God, why did you let me lose my house?” You can’t blame God for your bad choices.

    But in some of your problems, you’re innocent. You’ve been hurt by the pain, stupidity, and sins of other people. And some of the pain in your life is for redemptive suffering. God often allows us to go through a problem so that we can then help others.

  60. There should be rights of the loyal partner to request d.n.a and legal rights being the spouse are in Union as 1 and share everything

    1. I demanded my Disloyal had a DNA test and told the OW if she didn’t agree we would walk away until she proved he was the father. She had no choice but to agree. There was no way I was taking on a kid that wasn’t his or putting up with this mess only to be told 18yrs later that the kid wasn’t his!

      After that I made him go to the sex clinic to get check ups every month for 6 months because some STD’s do not show up immediately.

      1. Cheaterswife.

        Well I told him in the beginning that I would not be the one to ‘out him’ to them …and they don’t know. I was going to allow him to tell them or wait on the Lord to do whatever would come …so far …none know that I know of .

        Since I am a fervent believer …and have spent most of my walk either in service through ministry before our marriage and or in serving my family at home and day to day among whomever I could share the faith with daily out and about….I have not always had a church fellowship to take part in…With many moves we went to some for a space but my husband was not at all helpful as you might imagine.In his mind it was that he had no right to tell me what to believe or keep me from continuing in my faith but he did not want to be involved. …For some of us finding a church where the BIBLE is taught is not as easy as some might think..I found one now with the last move and so that is good . Still I asked the Lord to bring me fellowship with someone every day and He did not fail

        Most of his family are also clients and right now I am not sure if that is one of the things that keeps him from letting them know. They also are not believers …some are R.C. but their whole way of raising family and celebrating is not supportive of our marriage and of our moral values…I am not sure but I think they might even be more supportive of him . One of his cousin has been deeply involved in channeling and new age stuff since the beginning of our marriage . I was clear about my faith and that was one of the sticking points with his family I believe …even though at the time he was active in his faith as well.

        They are all very nice people but the sense , especially whenever we used to visit one of their family gatherings and there was the kind of social drinking …not like a frat party but just as they did in the 40’s …sometimes it got out of hand though and then I found I was selected out in subtle ways for ridicule of my faith. Mind you I did not shove it down anyone’s throat …but it IS what I was long before I met my husband and so it was naturally pretty much what I AM …The spirit of Christ in believers is papable and it does cause others who know not the Lord to be repelled I have learned.

        You can be as nice as pie and still find that you will deal with rejection, mockery …it is what is IN people who are ‘open’ to acting upon whatever they might think…Without being in relationship with Jesus Christ people pretty much follow their feelings and thoughts based upon the popular culture …and when gathered together …it is just what they find acceptable to say and do…

        Just my experience and I have found others who have had this happen to them too when they take a stand upon the Word . Again I want to emphasize I am not prone to annoying pushiness…once they knew I was serious in my faith and that I had been relying upon the Lord in my young adult life…the treatment was cordial until liquor came out …and then …the loosening of the attitudes came into play.

        This was something I have come to realize …If they ridiculed Jesus then if you are in Him there will be these kinds of things that go on from time to time and it shocked me at the first when I would share with my family …I would have thought that they would have been delighted …but not so much.

        Opposition goes with the territory …men love darkness more than the light …because they don’t want their lives to be measured by HIS .

        UNLESS you have him as Savior and then …you DO want your sin exposed …so you can submit and change…at least that is what I have been learning over the years.

        If you ever played a sport of were developing a skill or an art …you wanted to be corrected…the correction was sort of a confirmation that your ability had promise …worth.

        In our marriage I did not tell my husband WHAT to do I urged him to continue to read the Bible so he would learn how to do what marriage is and what a husband is from the Lord …but he was already turned to the world and his career and then to those he worked with …his heart turned from GOD and from me at that time.

        …I have kept my word and am waiting on the way the Lord will work this out…in the mean time …I have only a few people that know of this …that makes it harder in some ways and wiser in some ways.

        It still stings when he comes by and keeps one foot out the door so to speak ..he only comes to pick up the kids { Adults though as they are] and splits , he will not come in , or sit down and talk…and so much of our household things need attention….it is sad. I try to sustain a welcome to him and even compassion for the situation he has chosen but I have also reminded him from time to time that as long has he is out of God’s ORDER things will not go as they should.

        You cannot make evil good no matter how much you want to …sin is not useful to anything …and it does not protect …only God and following HIS order and staying in the jurisdiction that HE will empower will turn out well.

        He is proud and stubborn but has a look of sorrow…he is sorry but refuses all offers to change…it really is in God’s jurisdiction since all of my efforts are not seeming effective …but then I am not God …The Lord hears prayers based upon HIS Word ..what He tells us He is not only able but willing to do is what is available from what I have read.

        What you said about STDs is true…I found out last year that my husband’s gift to me was one …not life threatening …but painful , so far I am doing OK …they have some things to treat it with …but it is incurable. This diagnosis did not come right away ..I did have testing right after D DAY and nothing appeared …I know you have to ask for which ones in order for them to test specifically …I had before but the STD did not show up until 7 years after!

        I told him and did advise him to tell any women he had had sex with during his lengthy singular one with the OW …he had had a few even while with that one ….I don’t know if he told her …or them …or even had himself checked out …The Doctor told me that it was most likely from him since I had been faithful for our whole marriage.

        It is sorrowful how the devil works to destroy people through ignorance of what GOD really has to say to us FOR OUR PROTECTION …and so he is viewed in many minds of those raised today as a ‘killjoy’ …how sad…generations now turned to new age, agnostic, altered states through drugs, media mind numbing programming , peer pressure and the various isms appealing to flesh …just sad if you don’t know there is the God who is absolute truth …and whose love does not seek to destroy life but does chasten betimes …love doesn’t let us go on in death dealing sinful choices without any effort to turn us to Him!

        Anyway ..whew ! once again I really ‘talked’ a lot …thank you for commenting …this site is one place where I have learned a lot and have been able to share what has been my journey …such as it is .

        Hope that it is helpful to someone else. I feel that it might be helpful for people who think sex ed in schools is a great idea to add reading these posts as one of the assignments…but then no one ever believes it will happen to them…

  61. Amo 3:3 Can two walk together, except they be agreed?

    This holds true in marriage most assuredly , when one determines to live a ‘single’ identity and life and to reject openness and honesty toward the spouse …they have an ‘agenda’ which will destroy their own view of their spouse.

    That is one of the distinct reasons GOD had for telling believers not to marry unbelievers. Today many are deceivers …believing their assumptions about GOD not based upon the Bible are true ideas of what and who God is.

    Their imaginations do not make them true despite how MANY people may agree. God has given His Word for us to learn and know Him. He has revealed all things for our good that pertain to life and godliness.

    Rejecting this and becoming unteachable man has defined all things by his own fleshly ideas….calling that which God has called ‘good’ …”evil ‘ and calling what GOd has defined as ‘evil’ …”good’

    Trusting someone’s words …even when they seem to line up with what you think is good or even godly is not necessarily what GOD has revealed to mankind as recorded in the Bible.

    Man often has become doubtful of the Bible because he has experienced that fallen man LIES….even if unintentionally…anything that is not based upon what GOD has set forth is a LIE.

    If you do not want to define water as H2O and you mix arsnic into H you will not get ‘water’ and if you drink it you will become ill and likely die.

    Any additions or subtractions from God ‘s WHOLE content of His breathed word will not bring about HIS desired intentions and if we do not study and ask Him to teach us and give us understanding through continuing to study and live by His Word …the consequences are not a result of HIS WORD but OUR lack of knowledge or understanding .

    Today many have decided to define what is good by their lusts and desires…and wonder why things get so messed up.

    My husband said that he never wanted to hurt anyone …yet he did not keep his vows…and he used women outside of our marriage to have ‘fun’ with as THEY not only agreed to do so …but often they were the instigators.

    Even when I did not know what he was doing …he stole from his enjoyment and satisfaction with me …his wife…and from our children …and from himself as he did not gain what he could have learned had he kept his word…He stole from those women and the children he had with one of them because even if they agreed to the arrangement it harmed all of us ….

    What you don’t know WILL HURT YOU …as well as anyone who is going along with it!

    Now he is a destroyed man …won’t receive forgiveness from me or GOD and is still living in his own variation of what he has arranged to be ‘life’

    His doing so STILL harms everyone as he is still pleasing his own flesh.

    Nothing is getting through to him ..even seeing the destruction of his way of choosing to live….THIS is well defined by what is identified in the Word as a reprobate mind ..a mind devoid of truth and a hardened heart which is unwilling to consider that there is anyone that can provide the answer to how one’s life may be transformed by submitting to GOd and living as a diisciple of Jesus Christ.

    My husband has confessed Jesus as Lord and said he believed that God has raised Him from the dead and that he was saved….but his life took a turn downward as he began to work in and among others who were not believers and he would not continue to renew him mind with the Word and keep himself from all kinds of lures into deeper and deeper sin . Though he KNEW the truth he rejected the wisdom ..No one mattered to him but himself and all those people who he wanted to think highly of him

    Now he is sequestered away …keeps all of his activities to himself and only is in contact with me when there is something for the house to be dealt with …and with our children about once a week for an hour or two ….NOT functioning according to his responsibilities in the jurisdiction of ‘Father’ …nor ‘Husband’ but simply a token connection …not even as deep as he has had with employees or clients…sad..for all of us.

    There is no need for DNA test of the children because he was in relationship with the OW as if a husband only not staying overnight…except a couple of business trips…and when she was pregnant….”once”.There arrangement was so well hidden from everyone that it was ongoing over many many years….the OW even wrote once about another notorious couple who were celebrities who did the same things…so it was glamorized in her mind.

    They had the two children on purpose and the boy even look like my husband’s father.So many torrid details about this…I was raised to believe that in order to show love for my husband and trust I would not cross examine him …and I trusted him …so when he was gone so much I did not think I could ask of him what he was not ‘able’ to give in terms of time and family involvement ..stupid huh!

    Well …he got to do anything he wanted just by saying he had to go to work …had to go to the office…had to go with clients to golf …or whatever ….He made me feel badly if I complained about his being gone so much …I see that is a common trait among those who cheat …cheat themselves too …but are deceived ..

    They think they are getting away with something and that they deserve their ‘fun’

    The thing is that I believed he had too much ego to risk his integrity …HA ! He did not think what he was doing had any relationship to integrity because he looked at his being honest with the OW telling her he would never leave me and our family and that because she AGREED to that …that made it OK!

    Just because you CAN doesn’t mean you SHOULD .

    So his care about being a “good” man and “fair’ was defined by not how his lies would damage me and our family but how he felt he was not ‘using ‘ the other woman and so he was still being a ‘good’ man!

    The twisted mind of those who reject the Word of God which would enlighten their minds to truth….sigh.

    1. Lovey,

      How has your husbands family and extended family responded to his choices. Are there no elders within the family that can counsel him or have attempted to?

  62. Someone reminded me of this scripture not too long ago, when discussing my current situation.

    “Don’t be so heavenly minded that you’re no earthly good. Get out there and help people now.”

    This phrase is also normally used in connection with people who are content to know they can go to heaven. Consequently, life change stops and they rest in their confidence of salvation through Jesus Christ. They simply have what they need, a ticket to heaven, and cease (or never begin).

    The problem with this phrase is it communicates that an anticipation of heaven is a bad thing. It communicates that a focus on arriving at heaven once this life ends is almost a distraction from what we are to be doing in the here and now as we follow Christ. And this includes us as helpmeets.

    Maybe we should re-consider our phrasing of the idea we are trying to communicate. I do not believe we are attempting to discourage the hope of heaven, after all, this hope has been given to us through Jesus Christ. We recognize that Jesus gives eternal life to those who follow him. We also realize this eternal life is experienced in the reality of heaven.

    So what should we do?

    And let us consider how to stir up one another (especially our husbands) to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.

    Heb. 10:24-25

    A kingdom mentality includes the anticipation of heaven, but its focus is on what we can do here and now to help grow God’s kingdom. Therefore, while we are living out our eternal life in the balance of heaven and earth, we should encourage our brothers, sisters and husbands as this is what we are commissioned to do as helpmeets.

    “If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses. If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector.’Truly I tell you, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven. Again, truly I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything they ask for, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven. For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them.”

    Matt 18:15-20

    Blessings xx

  63. We also need to consider that we do not fall into the pitfalls of being no earthly good, i myself during this ghastly walk have seen in myself the characteristics described below. I have wanted nothing to do with anyone outside of Christ and would and still would be quite happy to never venture into the “world” again. But through painful obedience Jesus is not allowing me to be that selfish, he keeps pulling me out of my cave much to my disdain. But I have no choice but to follow where he leads.

    Being where we have been drawn to it is so easy to become heavenly minded with no earthy good for ourselves or for others. And like myself it describes Christians who spend their whole time trying to be “SPIRITUAL”, that we become virtually useless in the practical realm of church/christian work. Now the bible teaches us to BE spiritual, but not ACT spiritual.

    These types of Christians can be recognized by their overly minded spiritual life. They boast their lengthy Bible reading or their prayer life. But when it came to dealing with practical issues or responsibilities in my life, I would brush them aside, considering them not as important to my spiritual life. Up front it would seem that I was right, but let’s analyze the situation.

    For example, one tenet of this type of person, is to avoid their lost loved ones on the bases that they are unbelievers. Taking the command of being sanctified as an excuse, they turn away from their close relations who need to see a living example of Christ. Piously disgusted with the world, they withdraw themselves. Just like the monks of old, they live reclusive lives and useless to God.

    Pride may be one of many problems that leads them. Sometimes they fear to shine before others, finding it a difficult emotional battle, not worth the effort. Another possibility, is their selfishness or lack of love for the lost. Whatever the reasons, they hide behind the spiritual wall that protects them from truly growing in grace and produce a good work for God. God wants us to be spiritually minded, but balanced with a walk that is not self-centered. Like Mary and Martha, there is a time to serve and a time to learn about Christ.

    Being in the world, but not of it, is a true battle and that’s where God wants us to be.

    Bless x

  64. I have heard that saying ..” So heavenly minded , no earthly good’

    Our pastor also had heard this …it seems we hear that when we are sharing the Word ….huh…He said that he felt that ‘How can we be any earthly good if we are NOT heavenly minded” ..

    Hahaha…good one!

    When we follow Jesus Christ , He directs our path …in season , out of season. It seems oftentimes people who make this statement are those who are uncomfortable with someone who is minding their own business and speaking the Word to any and all who they are lead to speak with.

    Your point is valid …isolation is not an “option’ for a believer who is growing in Christ.

    Some solitude for study and reflection but frankly I don’t know how not having any relationship with people is possible…From time to time …I would think my ‘ministry ‘ was to repair men! Haha…my husband used to say …’Of course they are interested in what you have to say …they get paid by the hour! ”

    Funny …laughter is one of the things the Lord has worked into my life over the years ….it is healing and important not to take ourselves too seriously …but to take His Word to heart at the same time.

    Thanks Cheaterswife for your generosity in sharing your heart! You Rock!

  65. If wives start to accept illegitimate kids into their lives she can be opening up a can of worms that she will regret later. Her husband may very well most likely keep bringing home outside babies. The marriage is a joke because he couldn’t or can’t keep it in his pants or respect her enough not to cheat. More even so, the trust, respect, and sanctity of the institution of the marital arrangement has been downgraded. Marriage is an institution not a free for all. The husband should have use protection. So who is thinking about who? Now the wife has to think for herself. Is this marriage a healthy situation for her? If he really wants to stay with her and if he is sorry he will live the remainder of the marriage on her terms unless he is ready to give half and maybe alimony. Let’s be fair….what would you do or advise a woman that you care about if she was dragged in the middle of an unfair situation.

  66. There are several casualties of life that have come from Humanism’s doctrine that all people are ‘children of GOD ‘ or that ‘all people are born in the image of GOD ‘

    Adam was created by GOD and in His image…after the fall all born from Adam were born in the fallen image of man …capable of sin because of that being a genetic flaw which sin brought about .

    All of us were designed and blessed by GOD with the ability of ‘agency’ …to freely choose . The ability to choose was also equipped by GOD with INFORMATION of what is harmful …disobeying or ignoring HIS wisdom has led to many consequences suffered by many people who did not DO the sins of others but sooner or later consequences of many compound and effect us all.

    Jesus Christ is the only man born of a woman and the only begotten of GOD to live a sinless life ..though he was tempted in all things as we are ..he chose NOT to sin.

    When a child is born out of the sinful choices of people the jurisdiction of who is responsible for that child has been muddied by secular thought . The Humanist doctrine which is now pretty much the overall consensus of fallen mankind posits that we are ALL responsible for what others do.

    The way GOD has set up HIS ORDER and jurisdictions within each life is instructive for us to sort out who is responsible for who and what .

    A person who is not born again is NOT a ‘son of GOD ‘ and is not ‘a child of GOD’ …Jesus clarified the definition of who is a child of God and his brother or sister…Mat 12:50 For whosoever shall do the will of my Father which is in heaven, the same is my brother, and sister, and mother.

    Without being born ‘from above’ or ‘born again’ by way of receiving the ‘incorruptible seed which is the Word of GOD’ a person is dead…in trespasses and sin ..He has NO relationship to GOD .

    God provide THE WAY to gain relationship with Himself through offering up His ONLY BEGOTTEN SON …Jesus Christ for WHOMSOEVER would believe ,receive and become born into His family .

    There is NO other name under heaven whereby we must be saved…or can be saved .

    Thus the jurisdiction of every person is changed from unsaved to saved…or dead …to life when they believe and receive Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior and believe in their heart that GOD has raised Him from the dead.

    From DEAD person to LIVE person.

    Then we have the jurisdiction of learning to live our SINGLE lives by way of receiving and acting upon what the Bible teaches us about the wisdom of GOD in all of the things that pertain to life and godliness .

    After that jurisdiction and learning how to govern our own lives we may marry …This is an ADDED jurisdiction which is also given instruction in HOW to live in marriage and govern our selves according to HOW that jurisdiction is designed to function for the glory of GOD , for the satisfying of the spouses and the nurturing of any children born OF THE JURISDICTION OF MARRIAGE.

    Being a COVENANT it also is designated as the images of the relationship of Christ with HIS CHURCH …also known as the Bride of Christ.

    Infidelity by the man as representative of Christ in the marriage is also to offer a lying image of Christ to all who that man is responsible to represent to his wife and children and everyone else the way Christ relates and loves His church which he bought with His OWN BLOOD.

    Sacrificial love is not natural to mankind. It is a fruit of the Spirit of GOD and our response in thankfulness to Him for salvation as we learn to find out what it is that is truth from His Word .

    A man has distinct jurisdictions as a husband and then as an added jurisdiction of being a father to the children of his marriage.

    This is not the way most people think of their own lives, marriage of their having children. This is how GOD has wanted us to be blessed by obeying His command to learn from HIM and His provided Word what is the truth of our own purpose in life and His intentions for our families.

    Children born of adultery were not God’s intention but a ‘fruit’ of man’s following lust. His unbridled life of rebellion and rejection of the wisdom of how to avoid harming himself and others.

    A child is not responsible for how he is born. A man who has sired a child out of wedlock in our culture has a responsibility to support that child.

    Financial support is not the WHOLE aspect of what a Father is to be to children as it is not the whole aspect of how he was to live with the wife of his covenant.

    In the Old Testament this was not an issue in the Hebrew culture since they were the ones designated to follow after the Creator …Once the law was given those who committed adultery were put to death . This was so that this sinful way would not spread out but that the consequence of death was immediate upon being found out . It deterred this from becoming normalized and acceptable. It avoided such things as children born out of wedlock becoming also normalized .

    In the pagan cultures this was another story .

    In this blog I believe we are dealing among those who regard the Bible as the word of GOD ..thus we may agree that the grace of GOD has been allowing for consequences alone to deter people from going the length of their urges unbound by the law of love which is also God’s Word.

    Godly set jurisdictions did provide the proper order for who was responsible for whom. The father is responsible for the unmarried woman until she marries and then it is her husband’s jurisdiction to protect his wife from his fleshly lust and to govern himself to protect his love for his wife by the same practices. This also protected other women from being led into affections for a married man.

    The married man was to protect his family by providing not just financial provision but by study and learning the Word of GOD and then teaching and training his children up according to it.

    The father whose daughter remained unmarried was to provide for her and to protect her if she did not marry.

    If a woman did not marry or became a widow the extended family was to take on that responsibility.

    Today we have such a mobile population and fractured families, just as the god of this world has worked to bring about among those who know not GOD nor know His word…that people have few to rely upon for this kind of support and protection. Thus the government has grown to be the ‘papa
    of all and taxing into captivity all who rely upon it.

    So it is that GOD’s word does speak distinctly regarding how we got into this mess….Hos 4:6 My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge: because thou hast rejected knowledge, I will also reject thee, that thou shalt be no priest to me: seeing thou hast forgotten the law of thy God, I will also forget thy children.

    In what I understand of how this was to work in our case ..that the illegitimate children born of adultery were to be supported and the responsibility of the father of the single woman who desired to have them ! This is not our cultures’ understanding but if you think about it …it was her father’s failure to train his daughter in all the ways that would have prevented her from growing up to want to be the ‘side dish’ of a married man.

    She did all of what she did with FULL knowledge .

    My husband is clearly the one who was fully off limits but chose to defy God , disrespect all married people and defile the image of Christ which every husband has the privilege to enter into.

    My husband’s decisions consequences have had far more far reaching consequences and his continued decision to try to make something good out of something of no real substance will still not bring about what he thinks it will.

    The efforts we make to do good are denied by the Lord in that nothing apart from HIM is going to succeed in any good.

    He is the “ONLY GOOD” and we have nothing of ourselves…all flesh is useless without being born again and instructed and governed by the Word of GOD which is The Truth .

    The Holy Spirit will guide those willing to learn into all truth and by way of having the spirit of GOD born in us by way of the word heard…and heeded ..we will grow in that knowledge and applying it will increase our lives in wisdom.

    What is not available to anyone is to be ‘good’ apart from being born again.

    1Co 1:21 For after that in the wisdom of God the world by wisdom knew not God, it pleased God by the foolishness of preaching to save them that believe.

    1Co 3:19 For the wisdom of this world is foolishness with God. For it is written, He taketh the wise in their own craftiness.

    Jhn 6:63 It is the spirit that quickeneth; the flesh profiteth nothing: the words that I speak unto you, they are spirit, and they are life.

  67. Longterm consequences still abound in our household now 8 years past DDAY and 2 years with my husband living the ‘separate life he has always wanted”

    The bottom line characteristic of those who indulge themselves at the expense of everyone else is selfishness, self centered and displays a lack of empathy which all play out as they try to be ‘parents’ in their own version of how ‘love’ works.

    Children do indeed learn what they live growing up.

    Acceptance of lying, stealing, cheating and the exact opposite of the golden rule is evident more and more in our society by way of people living unto themselves and expecting children to ‘adjust’ to such tormented versions of ‘family.”

    History repeating itself is not deterred unless their is a true repentance and turning from one’s fleshly self interest to seeking to follow the Way of Truth who is Jesus Christ.

    Abandoning the God of the Bible is one giant step into the cesspool of human reason which has wrought what we see today in every venue of society….How’s that working for you?

    The age old idea that men viewed their responsibility to protect women and children has been abandoned for the view that women are tough and able and are now the ‘competition’ as they are viewed as ‘equal ‘ as in ‘same’ …rather than equal but designed different as complimentary to men as men are to become so with women.

    Both mature as they regard the others benefit rather than only their own appetites…and children growing up in that kind of environment learn to VALUE human life rather than a disposable regard for others.

    Small wonder the daily news is filled with bloodshed and a circus of demonstrations mockeries of humanity and civility!

  68. Correction “their’ is supposed to be “there”

    Also I did not complete my thought regarding the way men were intended to have more dignity as protectors of women and children , widows and orphans rather than abandoning that role to see those without father’s or husbands who were protectors , as PREY .

    Even getting work done to maintain the home I have been left to try to keep up it has become more evident that when a worker learns that there is no husband ‘on site’ there seems to be a different attitude about how the work will be done and what it will cost.

    Not all but enough for me to continue to keep my husband’s clothing in the closet and to continue to bring up his continuing to be here ….just a word to the wise.

    No matter how much we have ‘progressed’ in areas of respect for women ….I have some idea that in entering into areas where men view other men as ‘competition’ for their work and promotions….women also have had to deal with being regarded as ‘competition’ too and thus ‘enemies’ to be observed for weaknesses and thus exploited. Sex is only one area where this has happened….some women see this as ‘flattery’ but I think that is a deception.

    A man of character will not behave this way since he actually will have some self respect and thus will not seek to find an area of vulnerability to then deceive women he works with to ‘give it up’ as some kind of ‘fun’ .He will concern himself with his own integrity and his effect upon others . These kind of men are becoming rare as many have not been engaged to think of this in this way.

    A man who really loves others will protect them. He will protect his wife from his own fleshly carnal nature …and protect other women by not leading them on, flirting, or belittling the way social interactions can lead on to others being violated by his behavior. Women too could consider how their flirting , and overall effect on men may cause them to stumble and fall …thus as I have observed in my own husband and others who cheat …they eventually hate women they have cheated with …resenting that they have discovered they have become men they did not want to be.

    The days of women and children ‘first’ such as recorded among the noble men on the Titanic has past….would that more men and women would recognize the nobility and value of self governing for the sake of other’s welfare and influence to a higher standard of character.

  69. June update 2015
    My husband still lives on his own…apparently a long time “desire for a separate life”
    His new companion is a Great Dane!
    With all our family’s financial struggles he lives in his own bachelor pad and pays for the OC while our home has much needed maintenance and no “extra” for my daughters and I to get work done to keep our investment of our home in good condition
    He is working and studying hopeful to restore the income level of the magnitude of losses
    Just find this more of what someone called him “digging a deeper hole” from which only the Lord will be able to get him out of when and if he is ever willing
    Thank you for your prayers based upon the truths of the Word in dealing with how the Lord designed the man and the marriage and family to function while we are on this planet….in the world but not OF it.🍞🍷

  70. In responce to SB

    We have chosen not to share the existence of this child with our children, firstly this child is not their emotional responsibility and we do not want the awareness of this child to cause any dysfunction in our children hearts or minds until they are at an age where they can fully understand what has happened. If at that time they choose to have a relationship with this child in their adult years they will be free to make that choice, but this child will not be forced upon them especially as the mother is not forth coming. Why distress our children when that child doesn’t even know the truth of their existence?

    It is our responsibility to also protect our children from emotional distress, when they are older or when the Lord decides the time is right i feel this will just naturally fall into place. Until then and without the child in my lives I refuse for my children to carry this burden, which belongs to my husband and not them.

    If the child were in our lives then obviously this would be different. And even then i would not force the child on them as the child is not their responsibility.

    The bible reminds me of the story of Ishmael and Isaac and also the jealousy from Josephs brother because Jacob loved his mother more.

    My children will not live a guilty life where this child is concerned, they are innocent. Unfortunately her parents made the choice for her that they did not our children.

    1. We have decided too that our children should not suffer because of this child and nor will she be forced into their lives s she has been done ours.

      Whilst the child is not to blame neither are our children and as such she will have no contact with them until they have grown and wish to make that decision for themselves. If they then choose to know who she is that will be their prerogative but they will not live under the shame and shadow of an illegitimate sibling not feel responsible for her.

  71. Hi…..it took a few days but i have finally read thru this entire thread and I am glad to have found this site.

    I was in an eight year relationship and we had 3 children. I ended the relationship due to constant cheating and abuse.

    Well, after 4 years of being seperated and having absolutely no contact, we were put back in contact with each other. At this point, I had a child from another relationship and he had 2 children from another relationship, (the same woman). So all together, there were 6 kids, our 3 together, his 2 and my 1.

    After talking for about a month, we decided to start a relationship together again. I had noticed a lot of changes in him and I did still truly love him.

    A few months after getting back together, i found out that his oldest child with the OW was conceived while we were still in a committed relationship previously. I had no idea, I didn’t know what to say or how to react. I was very hurt. I was always loyal and dedicated to him and our family.

    So now, it has been over 2 years that we have been back together and i still cannot let go of the pain from the previous hurts. In my mind, it is like ok not only was he having an affair with numerous women but after i left him (not knowing about this exact affair) he tried to replace me with his mistress. Not to mention, she was married at the time of conception, she is no longer with her husband. My fiancee was in a relationship with her for 3 years.

    Present day, We are still together and I love him dearly. We are hoping to get married in about 2 years. I hate the OW, she has stolen from me, she lies on me, she talks very very negatively about me, and i absolutely just cannot stand her. What makes it worse is that my fiancee has not done anything to stand up for me, he just allows it. I do not see her nor talk to her. In regard to the kids, they don’t live so close so they come over for a week or 2 at a time several times a year. I have still not allowed myself to fully accept them. I hate their mother. He can see how i act so different when they come around But i cannot help it. Then he always mentions how he is raising my daughter who is 4 now and her biological father is not in her life.

    I don’t know what to do. I think if he had no contact with her would it help. What if she only contacted me? I notice how friendly he is with her on the phone and i don’t like it, I do not think he is sleeping with her tho. Please help. How can i go on? How can i change my mind frame to be able to accept his children? How about her, what can i do?

  72. Reblogged this on queenlyreign and commented:
    This article lays out a plan for spouses moving forward after having a child from adultery . There are no set rules when defacing such a tough circumstance, but these are good ideas to consider implementing for the peace and sanity of the marriage relationship moving forward.

  73. I need prayers. It is nearly 3years since D Day and I am struggling to meet my daily forgiveness. My husband pays support, but is not involved. We are comfortable with this, but I am allowing my heart to become bitter about the extra $200 per month leaving our household to the AP when she does not have the expenses that we have. She pays $200 per month in rent. The rest is supplied to her by the state (2K per month) via welfare. It makes me sick, almost. But it is his duty to provide that, for what he did. “But why must his entire family suffer?” I wonder. He is sick about that constantly, but it doesn’t make the pain go away. She also continuously stabs at me on social media – which I look at daily, willingly, just hurting myself over and over again. It’s almost an obsession…a sickness. Prayers, please.

    1. Hello Rebecca,

      It will become easier. It is difficult to know that resources that should be going to your family are now going somewhere else but look at it this way. ….is that really anything in comparison to what that child will never have. I pity the child to know that it is merely a financial responsibility and this is being paid merely out of duty.

      Pray believing and knowing that God will bless you and your family because you have given that which was not meant. When the woman came to Jesus asking for healing he said to her, that which I have is for the children only and she replied even dogs eat scraps from the masters table. I am not saying this child is a dog but it is born outside of the covenant of the marriage and therefore has no rights to the benefits that the covenant brings. However God is a merciful God and he would have us to be so too.

      Know that God has seen your sacrifice and you will be blessed because of it.

  74. One thing study of this issue has help me with is understanding “JURISDICTION”.

    Social justice doctrines and gender neutralizing of God given and ordained responsibilities has played well into the hand of the devilish plans to destroy families and communities .

    Boundaries and moral jurisdictions are no longer honored or cared about and the resulting and growing pain and chaos is also part of the end times senario as more and more people are devoid of the love of GOD which is not based upon emotions and various deceptive doctrines .

    My husband has had his loyalty to love his wife and family pulled out from under us all and his life is one of confusion, loss and sorrow yet he refuses to repent and turn to God.

    Rebellion is as the sin of witchcraft.

    Deceit is said in the Bible to be the condition of the heart unchanged by the Spirit of GOD through submitting to God ..and being brought into the Body of Christ , the Bride ..the Church in submission to HIM …as LORD.

    Without this information understood and agreed upon as the wisdom by which life would be lived to the fullest people continue to have their lives stolen from ..as the enemy of God and our souls continues to lie ,cheat and steal to the end that he is able to deceive.

    The thief cometh not but to STEAL , to KILL and to DESTROY.

    Christ came that we might have life and have it more than abundant.

    This too has been twisted in some teachings amidst the church by hirelings who seek to gain mammon and so ‘abundant life’ has drawn many who lust after this worlds goods and known not the truth of the Word of God.

    The following is from a well known and pertinent chapter that describes these things so well …but to pinpoint….

    1 Tim 6:5 Perverse disputings of men of corrupt minds, and destitute of the truth, supposing that gain is godliness: from such withdraw thyself.

    6 But godliness with contentment is great gain.

    7 For we brought nothing into this world, and it is certain we can carry nothing out.

    The posts that persists to accuse those who are harmed by this foul sinful CHOICE do not apparently know the depth of evil that works upon the minds of those who disregard the Lord and His warnings to study, to learn, to rightly divide, and to submit and apply the Word to every idea, thought and ‘option’ presented to us by the world the flesh and the devil.

    The vulnerability becomes useful to the deceiver when we refuse or do not know the Word as it is to be applied to all of life’s situations .

    Adulterers are those who know not, or refuse to learn and submit to the Charge of God concerning the way to live in the jurisdiction of marriage.

    The activities outside of wedlock USED to be a source of shame and condemnation, NOT the reality of this world and these past generations so in rebellion to the Lord.

    Rebellion opens up a whole highway to hell in terms of people being led to believe sin is nothing to be concerned about …even within some churches …Grace has become a means to licence and the fulfillment of lusts of every kind. There is not fear of GOD nor teaching of what true repentance is .

    If it is this bad in some churches where people are destroyed for lack of knowledge and fall into many deceitful lusts and doctrines of demons as life styles then what we see is just what Jesus spoke of in terms of the increase of this in the days just prior to His return.

    All who are concerned or NEED to be concerned about the conditions we see would do well to seek out the TRUTH found in scripture .

    Reprobates are a result of rejection of keeping the knowledge of God in their thinking…they are without ‘armament’ against the war that is not fought by flesh but certainly requires that we use our minds to learn and follow Christ in truth.

    The person who posted the assurance that my husband was fully invested in keeping his adulteress happy does not know the whole of it …but then I would not deny that he feared exposure by her …and even perhaps he was deceived into believing lust was ‘love’ ..and he would not be the first to think so …

    Thoughts are the central command post of our lives…deciding by emotions , hormones, and appetites is just what the Lord warned us of ..and provided for us to be able to examine all thoughts by way of the Word which His Spirit would guide and reveal to us as we availed ourselves to be teachable and recognize HIS thoughts are higher than our thoughts …His ways are right …

    But failing to take that to heart ..my husband , for one …decided he knew better and that he did not need to worry about arming himself with the Word …His own fleshly carnal mind was ‘good ‘ in his mind…and so fulfilling everything that the Bible tells us about those who go after what ‘seemeth right’ and that way lies DEATH.

    So pride indeed has snared him and others who did not need anyone to tell them what to do and yet they have obeyed the god of this world and his minions which spirits work in the minds of those not equipped or aware of the need to challenge their mental sway and their carnal lusts….

    A world where every term is being redefined…history revised …and all things which used to be understood ‘rebranded’ for the continued march toward the end of this age …which will occur despite the longsuffering of our Lord

    I pray all who are lost and confused will turn to Jesus Christ …as I pray my husband and even his adulteress and those children…

    I had agreed we needed to support the children…but that too has been taken far beyond this to destroy even the idea of jurisdiction …the concept is lost on those who follow after Humanism and Socialism….and even our national boundaries..all according to the agenda of the god of this world and the preparation of a one world church which includes all kinds of spiritual entities…GOD is not mocked.

    Those who read and understand see what is coming …and our part as families with the ‘head ‘ under the attack of the devilish destructive efforts need to continue with the eating of our daily bread of the Word and continue to look unto Jesus the author and finisher of our salvation even as we pray for those who have been used to wound us .

    Luke 17:3 Take heed to yourselves: If thy brother trespass against thee, rebuke him; and if he repent, forgive him.

    4 And if he trespass against thee seven times in a day, and seven times in a day turn again to thee, saying, I repent; thou shalt forgive him.

    5 And the apostles said unto the Lord, Increase our faith.

    6 And the Lord said, If ye had faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye might say unto this sycamine tree, Be thou plucked up by the root, and be thou planted in the sea; and it should obey you.

    If we slow down and read this carefully we see some qualifiers….”If ” is one word to check out and what it is directing us to see.

    The world teaching about forgiveness is shallow at best and wrong in the larger sense. It often is used as a form of ‘excusing’ which does the sinner no good. Believers not only seek to be forgiven but to change…thus the word ‘repent’ is used here and understanding of how repentance appears in scriptural usage in context throughout the Bible is helpful to us as we seek to identify if we ourselves are in need of repentance for anything falling short of our desire to walk as followers of Jesus Christ

    It also is very important to understand what repentance looks like in it’s contrasts between what is ‘godly’ and what is ‘worldly’

    That would be a good and helpful study for all who are touched by such difficult sins be it their own or others.

    To abandon one’s own god given JURISDICTION as a husband is ORDAINED by GOD to put before all other responsibilities is one things many people today do not understand or accept as truth.

    This is one of the MOST important distinctions that we need to OWN lest our homes be ‘broken up ‘ and all that God intended for the family be ‘redistributed’ unrighteously.

    A man is to be the HEAD of his household and biblically that requires him to submit to being taught by GOD …rather than men or the society which seeks to overide God’s will ..plan and especaily His will for marriage and family.

    Let us all conclude GOD is the only Good and His way is better than any of those mankind may think will ‘work’ somehow to make this a better world

    The scriptures tell us Jesus said that ‘MY KINGDOM IS NOT OF THIS WORLD”

    No amount of arguing with Him is going to make any difference in that TRUTH .

    We continue to seek to do what HE commanded and pray for His will to be done to His glory in all things …even a trial such as this one.

    God Bless those who seek to do His righteousness within His boundaries set for His glory and our good.

    1. Very well written. I always enjoy reading your responses. As it comes upon a year since Dday. A lot of things have changed. We have confirmed the child is my husband. The OW filed child support and awarded a large amount. He pays 520 per month. Which I too have a struggle with swallowing. Obviously we have remained together with much prayer. We do not see the child as the mother requested but honestly we did not contest to it. And if I’m being honest I don’t think I want the child involved. But I am a mother and like to think I’m compassionate so I struggle with guilt because of that. I struggle thinking what will come of a boy with no father—that’s me assuming the OW isn’t involved. We basically have no contact with either of them. Child support is taken directly from my husbands pay check. I often wonder does my husband think of this and if he too has guilt. Only a couple people know of this but sometimes I feel like I wear a scarlet letter that says it. I have flash backs — but they are all of my imagination bc I never witnessed anything. Your mind is powerful and can create any scene. I don’t have as many flashbacks as I did. I pray and ask God to deliver me from those intrusive thought. I prayed and ask God to deliver me from checking her Facebook everyday looking at pics of the baby. And when I couldn’t resist. God made it so her page is no longer there for me to look. He knows when I’m not strong enough to do it on my own. So He rescues me from myself. I thank Him for His mercy. I can’t pretend like everything is perfect but we are trying to mend our marriage and our life. I wonder how this will effect my children later if they discover or we reveal it to them. I don’t know what the future holds. I just will continue to pray for Gods will over our life.

      1. Dear BTW

        Thank you for your nice comments.

        I agree that none of this is without pain and suffering ….OH how I wish those who indulge would THINK but they are lost in a fog of deception ..some of their own making as a way to escape the responsibility to learn to RELATE with the SPOUSE they already HAVE.

        But (sigh) escape and fantasy is on the increase as the ‘go to’ for anyone who has not cared to learn to strengthen their character.

        Many just did not have that kind of upbringing but that does not preclude the offer by Christ to train us up …’Continue in my word and ye will be my disciples indeed’

        I am one …and even today I see the reason Paul said that he struggled with what he did not want to do …as scripture says ‘ the carnal mind is emnity against God’

        We are exhorted to learn to ‘take captive every thought to the obedience to Christ’ ..it believers are struggling to do that …and some don’t even know about this command….then how will unbelievers take any thought about thinking about what they think about!

        whew that was a sentence!

        Yes I struggle with the huge amounts of money the OW has received…as of this time ..the two children are now 13 and 16 and my husband is in relationship with them and excused himself from our home and me in order to ‘be a father’ to them …though he has no contact with the OW and says he hates her…

        I see this as him not taking responsibility for his own choices and actions even yet.

        Despite how much this continues to cost all of our family …even my adult children who are taking up my life …doing for me and with me what my husband was to do…I find that those who continue to steal …including women who devised a way to steal from families income…are in danger of suffering consequences for their intentions and actions …stealing is STEALING …

        But in any case I know your difficult time with some of the things that work against you …and we just have to continue to be renewing our minds by way of the study of the WORD …

        Those who sin against us are in DANGER …real …not just here but eternally…

        The verse often quoted or misquoted regarding forgiveness is the one here

        Matthew 18:2 And Jesus called a little child unto him, and set him in the midst of them,

        3 And said, Verily I say unto you, Except ye be converted, and become as little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven.

        4 Whosoever therefore shall humble himself as this little child, the same is greatest in the kingdom of heaven.

        5 And whoso shall receive one such little child in my name receiveth me.

        6 But whoso shall offend one of these little ones WHICH BELIEVE IN ME,, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea.

        7 Woe unto the world because of offences! for it must needs be that offences come; but woe to that man by whom the offence cometh!

        Now everyone would agree that this would apply to anyone harming a little child but look carefully …he is likening the BELIEVER to ‘a lttle one ‘ or a ‘little child’ because it is that kind of ATTITUDE that will facilitate one becoming a true follower of Jesus Christ and the enemy of our souls is OUT to do damage and hinder those who are HIS ‘little children’ ….AKA BELIEVERS

        Those who involve themselves in willfully sinning against believers should take note…they need to realize that this kind of punishment of having a ‘millstone placed around the neck ‘ was a very horrible idea …a ‘millstone’ is VERY LARGE and weighty….there are photos online for you to take a look …imagine how heinous abusing one of God’s children ..a believer …is in HIS eyes for this to be the kind of analogy the wicked need to consider their consequential end.,

        Not only is adultery a GIANT ASSAULT upon GOD and Jesus Christ whose integrity is assaulted by the infidelity that is an icon of the Lord and His Bride..and sets forth a representation of Jesus Christ as unfaithful ..and abusive to his bride…but it is tearing up the family which was the plan for a ‘godly seed’ as mentioned in Malachi

        Adultery is a sin that is forgivable but not to continue in cooperation with whatever the society may use of it to further destroy the fabric off the Godly order….which humanism does.

        Further the social gospel is like the deceptive seduction by way of emotions to urge people to ‘just go along to get along’ and plays on emotions rather than truth ..

        Man will have to decide to stand upon God s Word in truth or fall for fables and many of the worldly choices for ‘world peace’

        The final deception will be a man who will come upon the scene to deceive if possible the very elect…those who claim to follow Christ but have not taken heed to study so that , like Berean’s they will KNOW the difference between the truth and the false.

        Doing what is wise and right is only defined by the WORD and that takes a lot of love for GOD ..and actually it is what godly love is …compromise does not accomplish the will of GOD .

        So then today people argue that speaking the truth is ‘hate ‘ speech…Jesus warned this …we have to KNOW what the whole content of scripture says …and particularly those who seek to know HIM .

        Many churches follow a different gospel …we have to ask Him to show us as we study what is the righteous way to understand scripture.

        ALL scripture …God Breathed …profitable for DOCTRINE…

        Many of today’s fresh faced ‘preachers’ are actually minimizing the need to learn doctrine from the BIBLE! They cast off the command to study and learn and know and walk in it….they are in danger of judgment of GOD as scripture reveals to those who will study to find out WHY

        Gods word IS ‘instruction in righteousness’

        So those who do anything to hinder ;’the little ones who believe’ will find out the need to heed the warnings …so we pray they do.

        in the meantime fathers need to get their priorities straight…moving to learn what their responsibilities AND PRIVILEGES are distinctly as men …husbands and fathers. …

        Mark 9:42 And whosoever shall offend ONE OF THESE LITTLE ONES >>>>THAT BELIEVER IN ME, it is better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and he were cast into the sea.

        Luke 17:2 It were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.

        So often people do not place this in the context….it is true we care for children but this is in direct reference to how people treat believers…and how believers treat one another.

        The world has solicited the emotions of people to cause them to feel responsible for many who do not walk in truth and do not care to ..and expect everyone else to take care of their responsibilities.

        Here we also see those who take advantage of others to entrap them so that they will be able to live anyway they want …bringing about consequences but not willing to take care of those outcomes.

        As believers we do wish to help others but once again we are given a directive order …God first….spouse ..and children of the marriage …then the body of believers.

        Not everyone is our ‘brother…’ …the idea of the ‘brotherhood of man’ was not scriptural….

        All fallen mankind needs salvation and thus Jesus came to die for the sins of the world …but only those who ‘do my Father’s will’ are his brothers …according to Jesus and thus we are to be especially good to the household of faith .

        Matt 12:48 But he answered and said unto him that told him, Who is my mother? and who are my brethren?

        49 And he stretched forth his hand toward his disciples, and said, Behold my mother and my brethren!

        50 For whosoever shall do the will of my Father which is in heaven, the same is my brother, and sister, and mother.[also see Mark 33]

        The world would have everyone believe that everyone is responsible for everyone else! Thus we have the mess in the world as many would take advantage and willfully use others as they go about doing whatever they want for their own will.

        “Self willed” is the term used

        2 Peter 2:2 But there were false prophets also among the people, even as there shall be false teachers among you, who privily shall bring in damnable heresies, even denying the Lord that bought them, and bring upon themselves swift destruction.

        2 And many shall follow their pernicious ways; by reason of whom the way of truth shall be evil spoken of.

        3 And through covetousness shall they with feigned words make merchandise of you: whose judgment now of a long time lingereth not, and their damnation slumbereth not.

        For the sake of the Gospel …the true Gospel of Jesus Christ we endeavor to continue to seek Him ..to study to rightly divide His Word which is The Truth…and to love one another …and to serve God

        He has told us we were bought with a price …the precious blood of Jesus Christ who gave Himself for whomsoever wills to receive the engrafted word which is able to save our souls…the incorruptible seed of the Word of GOD .

        We serve man best when we serve God first…

        Whatever He directs us from His Word sown within …we will overcome our flesh and the world better and better as we obey this one thing…to ‘eat our bread daily’ that bread which came down from heaven’ so then we will “have somewhat to give to those who have need” namely the soul saving Word which He will bring to mind as we seek to share it …for THIS is love

        2Jo 1:6 And this is love, that we walk after his commandments. This is the commandment, That, as ye have heard from the beginning, ye should walk in it.

        1Jo 5:3 For this is the love of God, that we keep his commandments: and his commandments are not grievous.

        It is for the love of GOD that we learn how to love as He has directed and will supply…what is love that does not offer eternal life to those who are in need as well as ministering to their other needs as we may have opportunity.

        Teaching someone how God will provide for them is one of the important callings we have that IS His definition of His love.

        2Ti 4:2 Preach the word; be instant in season, out of season; reprove, rebuke, exhort with all longsuffering and doctrine.

        The world and religion seeks to sidestep this important aspect of loving others and go to the various methods and programs without speaking the doctrine of Christ as is revealed in His word

        I think it is this Word that will be an offense to those who love sin and darkness and want to redefine what GOD has defined as ‘good ‘ and ‘evil’ ….it is a switcheroo!

        Isa 5:20 Woe unto them that call evil good, and good evil; that put darkness for light, and light for darkness; that put bitter for sweet, and sweet for bitter!

        It is one of the reasons people fall for the programs that claim to be ‘charitable’ apart from the Lord.

        God’s work is what HE does IN those who trust and surrender to Him and do what He says for us to do …study ,read…share the word and testify to Him…then after all …we continue to live among those who are dying …and being deceived…and offer them the love of GOD which is TRUTH as well as soup.

        Mat 4:4 But he answered and said, It is written, Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceedeth out of the mouth of God.

        The ‘word that proceeds out of the mouth of GOD ‘ is that ‘theo-pneustos .’ which means “God breathed’ …that 2 Tim 3:16 speaks of …and that is LIFE

        Jhn 6:63 It is the spirit that quickeneth; the flesh profiteth nothing: the words that I speak unto you, they are spirit, and they are life.

        The WORDS of God are SPIRIT and they are LIFE!

        What a great gift from the Creator of all things!

        We can take all of His Words as faithful to heart and live!

  75. So sorry that the OW was ‘duped.’ but as you put it when you said that it was only the married man at fault I do not contend that he does not carry the largest responsibity YET as you put it …older women may be aware of being manipulated ….’but’ the younger women are prone to believe that the man would leave his wife and believe his lies.

    HELLO! Young women NEED to value themselves …..a man who is willing to do ANY flirting….tempting…toying with ANY woman …is committing a violation of that woman and his wife ..even if it is his FUTURE wife….yes….I came to understand that later in my walk …certianly NOT what this world …culture or age is teaching anyone .

    The Bible calls all sin DEADLY and so it is written for us to be protected….

    ANY woman who realizes the man who is courting her is married , FROM THAT POINT on has an obligation out of LOVE …real love …the kind that considers all those who are effected by any involvement with someone who has been JOINED in marriage.

    The Bible tells us …if we are willing to acknowledge that it is THE TRUTH …that any sin is deadly to our souls…darkening it …violating our souls….leading into further blindness and wicked involvement ..

    People who are drawn in by emotions or hormones may take this cultures attitude that it doesn’t matter since it is ‘love’ ….but God defines LOVE …his way …as obedience to His will …His Word ..which is PROTECTIVE .

    In other words ..even going down the lane of lustful thoughts is harmful to THOSE who engage and entertain them …making excuses …minimizing it ..as the society we are in encourages.

    Think….any man who will cheat ..and make excuses …promises to leave his wife is broadcasting that he is without the courage and the manly , maturity to be committed and learn HOW to live within the vows he made.

    I traveled a lot as a single woman in the music business and soon observed the calaber of a man who would cheat …they are good at presenting themselves as honest joes…who just made a “wrong choice” …when it suits them and they believe they can ‘snag’ a woman who is willing to compromise herself.

    I heard it all ..and won’t they surprised when instead of buying their lies…I witnessed to them about Jesus Christ!

    It was interesting to observe the way they suddenly back-peddled….

    You know …someday IF that married man who smoozed you actually does marry you …you would spend your whole married life wondering when ….because the truth is most of these guys will bale on their wife and their families when the WORK of life shows up!

    Taking out the garbage….having self control when the wife is ill …having to stay home and play with the family…..Men lost in boyhood and fantasy make exciting suitors but do not have the ‘stuff’ that a man is made of in God’s definition.

    Why would you listen and lust after such a weak man?

    Granted my own husband cheated on me ..actually he made a ‘business’ arrangement with the OW ..and she was the one who sought him out and pursued him when he was away for a while …same ol same ol.

    It doesn’t matter what the senario is …a person of CHARACTER and a true sense of right and wrong and some self worth WILL NOT continue down that road when they know that person is married.

    A person who loves , respects and honors GOD and other people will not want to be a party to anything like a sinful sexual relationship …it is a ‘rip off ‘ of the real deal…I know ..and I sorrow to say I was of the generation that did not care …I knew right from wrong and I had my morals all tidy …but still ….temptation has to have something to strengthen you when it comes along.

    I learned in my early 20s …many things that would have been useful and protective.

    One thing Jesus told us that was so true …’If a man looks upon a woman and lusts with her in his heart it is sin….it will drive him to commit adultery ..so even the ongoing considering any woman with lust will defile him …SO the remedy was not that sex is bad…but when it is the FOCUS of the relationship …it will poison the pool….

    When marriage is entered into the prior sexual life sets a presence….if we obey GOD and wait ..then there are no preconceived expectations of a ‘quickie” which often is the case with sexual sin driven by emotions and hormones.

    Sexual sin sets people up for disappointment when at length people may not always be ABLE to have sex…but more than that …sexual love is to be the RESULT of a RELATIONSHIP.

    I remember so many men complaining about the wife they had and after I have spent a lot of time in study of this subject in the Word I have found that GOD actually does address MEN in the Bible with distinct directions ..When a man does what GOD tells him to toward his wife…SHE becomes more and more attracted to him and he sees more and more reasons why he married her!


    The point is what you focus on and put energy into becomes more and more attractive and valued.

    The moment a woman learns that the man she is falling for is married that should be her EXIT …and IF she is wise she will not engage sexually with ANY man before marriage for her own health and welfare.

    Men who cheat need a LOT of growing up …

    Women who engage with any man without observing if he is man enough to control his lust and desire to PROTECT HER …is asking for a whole lot of heart ache.

    You do not have to be religious to realize that lust is false attention for the sake of selfish desires.

    You do not have to be a genius to learn quickly to avoid people who cannot keep their vows and keep their word.

    Just a little hard won wisdom for your info.

  76. This is the most absurd article I’ve ever read, the comments are likewise. Have any of you “Christians ” dared to have a real conversation with the child and a real Psychologist? From the looks of the every word on here, the answer is a resounding NO.
    The article is absurd because it takes the child completely out of the equation. A child feels most confident when both parents (together or not) show respect in the child’s presence. I had a “mediator” not because of an affair but because my ex was abusive. For 15 years he would bash me to my child causing my child to hurt deep inside, she has been instrumental with her little brother because she knows the pain all too well. My second child who is 10 years younger has a father who is married and his wife refuses him to even acknowledge his child. They have followed this one article with a great deal of selfishness using it as “classic textbook” in “dealing with children from affairs” They go so far as to nit pick on minor medical reimbursements. Yeah he pays child support, but only because the courts did a wage assignment. God forbid their church people and students at her school find out they are not The Leave It To Beaver family they try so hard to portray. Who here has had to tell their own child that their father just simply does not want them? My child is clinically depressed because he knows his father doesn’t want him because his father’s wife can’t get passed her own obsession. The affair was 7 years ago and lasted 3 years, the father was not innocent by any stretch and pursued pursued and pursued telling the OW that they were going to be together just as soon as his daughter was in high school….blah blah blah. With reapect to this forum, The only one that matters is the child. This article is a poor “excuse” for avoiding real pain. My little 6 year old is battling depression and abandonment. Nice going folks.

    1. I hear bitterness and resentment, only, this should be directed at self because no one here other than you chose this path for your child.

      Nice going…

      It saddens me that anyone would be so irresponsible and then try to place the blame on others.

      Your child’s fathers wife has no responsibility to your child as they share no DNA, had you considered her during your 3yr affair maybe some compassion would now be visited to your child, but I guess in the game of adultery its Every man, woman and child for them self and that was fine going when you “thought” the ball was in your corner.

      The only one that owes your child anything is your DS and that is after the marriage. You said he lied to you and led you on…..for 3yrs? So why do you think he is not lying to his wife about you?

      Sad all round….but that’s war for you…casualties. And this is why the Word says, do not covet your neighbours wife.

      1. Cheaters Wife, just your calling card alone says resentment, your comments of “all knowing” indicates serious self rooted issues. Again you take the child’s feelings out of the equation,. That is nothing short of being selfish and/or your own justification for going against God in refusing to accept your step child. I can quote the bible as well, anyone can do this to conform to what they want others to perceive. Such as how in Romans we are instructed to help carry one another’s burdens, every child is a gift from God, regardless we are only on earth because of God’s will. Point being everyone who responded made assumptions. First I have been a single mother for 14 years, secondly I have not dated anyone but my Lord in the past 6 years. I pay my “debt” by obeyjng the Lord in caring for the gift he sent me. Which according to my doctors i could not conceive. This man is quite deceitful, to make matters worse he is a “preacher” at the largest church in Louisville and she is a teacher. Just goes to show that assumptions and perceptions are never as they seem.

      2. I am far from resentful, pity would be a better description.

        I am just fed up of hearing the foolish decisions people make and put their children at risk and for what?

        Completely selfish not just to yourself but to your child. Why would you bring a child into a dead situation?

        Forget the loyal spouse, she will get over it and will forgive and let go but that child will grow forever knowing it was a product of deciet and the people that gave them that short straw are the ones that should have loved and protected it.

        So no, not resentment but disgust and pity for the child born from such selfish and wreckless actions.

        Your child will eventually heal and grow as he or she should but not before the results of your actions have completely destroyed him or her.

        Sooner or later, we all sit down to a banquet of consequences.

      3. Your response leads one to believe that the OW or the Wife who had the affair should abort and hide her involvement. For many abortion is out of the question. Just that notion is disgusting and vile. Any mother who loves God could never consider that. Every family has a unique dynamic, and it is not for you to judge but rather our Lord.

      4. No one mentioned or even suggested abortion, this has obviously come from your own sub conscience, and possibly a smoke screen to hide your own personal thoughts on this.

        Rather than it going as far as pregnancy maybe there should not have been any involvement with a married or ANY man for that matter that does not value or respect you as a human being that is deserving of everything a wife should have?

        There were many steps prior to pregnancy that would have avoided your current and unfortunate situation.

  77. Dear Ginger,

    The pain is evident in your post and I sorrow for you for the pain you have suffered . I see I have shared a LOT of words here with you in my effort to let you know I am quite touched by your situation and how difficult it is ..even as you have confessed that you have made decisions which you regret and now see the pain that your choices have brought upon you and your children.

    I think I can relate …life has been full of my own mistaken choices but through my entering in to a relationship with Christ I have had to learn how come I was deceived and how , even after coming to Christ and making every effort to walk rightly ..I too was deceived by the man I devoted my life to in marriage .

    I did everything I could find out how to make him happy …but marriage is much more than about making ONE person happy …because if that is all they are after they will never be satisfied., Marriage is about so much more …maturity is grown in the lives of people who submit and commit to marriage as God has defined it …and today’s understanding of love is more about ‘lust’ and feelings than what GOD defines love as …which is sacrificial and always looking out for the best for one’s spouse.

    Marriage of a Christian to a person who does not have that understanding or willingness to go the distance is full of heartache and as you have experienced…further heartache among those so used in adultery.

    IF a man returns to his marriage and turns from sin and is willing to walk on in doing what Christ will instruct him that is the RIGHT thing to do …yet …it leaves a lot of damage behind him for which HE is accountable to GOD as well.

    Your own life choices leave you with much difficulty and pain …but you too have some accounting to do and going forward I pray you will not become bitter and transfer tht to your children..I have this challenge as well so I know it is no easy task as if done once and it’s over for us…but we WILL overcome emotions such as these if we do what we need to do and do it over and over again …seventy times seven if necessary ! So don’t give up and allow depression to get you down …we have HOPE!

    One thing we cannot do is make anyone else change and want to do what is right….but we can pray for them…which my daughters and I do daily …not to be ‘religious’ but to be obedient to the Lord.

    My husband has left us AND he now says hates the OW who knowingly had children with him …who had even visited our home and was welcomed and loved ….granted I did not know she was engaged in a relationship with my husband at the time.

    This is her ‘reward” along with cash she still gets from our finances…sad to say that is not going to carry her through eternity so I do pray for her deliverance…she was deceived by more than my husband …her father and mother did not do her any favors to not even try to give her good counsel but applauded her relationship with my husband who they knew was married with three small children! Such a terrible upbringing …and to all people around them they looked like a ‘cute couple’ ..at least those who did not know he was married!

    After seeing me and our family she began to campaign to get my husband to ‘give her children’ so she could be a ‘single mom by choice’ .

    This all was within an agreement SHE made from the very beginning to be involved with a married man…this confession she wrote in an email I found among the photos of the children she had had with him.She did not want marriage but wanted the ‘goodies’ that she believed she could enjoy without it.

    I do fault my husband of course for he entered into this with intention …but she also entered into it with NO desire or hope of marriage and full knowledge of his being married with a family.

    I read her own words to this effect that she had “NEVER wanted marriage ‘

    So perhaps your situation is different but I can’t help but wonder what any woman who knows a man is married would even WANT a man who is cheating upon his own wife and children.

    When we married we took VOWS which actually mean ’til death do you part’ to anyone who has any thought of WHY they would want to bother with marriage at all.

    Seeing that a lifetime vow to a covenant doesn’t seem to ‘hold ‘ a man to his word…WHY would any woman enter into such an arrangement with hope of the man keeping his words to her???

    I am sorry for you and all who are duped and deceived by such predators…and yes the ‘church’ has many deceivers amidst them as well as those sinners who are endeavoring to NOT DO sin willfully ….but many are not taught HOW to walk their talk…so it ends in tragedies like yours ….and mine too even after many many years of marriage where I THOUGHT my husband was a good husband and a great guy….Well …so much for what I THOUGHT.

    Even with the sudden discovery I not only agreed to providing for the children I also allowed for them to receive MORE than any court would have required because I did not want them to suffer because of what two uncaring selfish people did.

    I told my husband that he needed to be in their lives and to possibly influence them to avoid such terrible activities so they would not suffer as we had.

    He had paid for a house for her and a new car …all at great loss to our family and to this day she has received even more and beyond what we could afford for the sake of the kids.

    My own children have suffered a loss of much more than the financial that we have needed but more they have had the loss of the man they THOUGHT he was during their own upbringing.

    He has NOT influenced the other children well …as he has not carried through on the kind of ways a true father or even a good mentor might…He has moved out not to be with them but to
    be with yet another woman who thinks he is divorced!

    It takes a special kind of wicked to continue to do this …even when told not to at a time when he was ‘sorry’ !

    AND I had learned later on that he had given me a STD …not life threatening but I told him when I found it out and that he should inform all of the women he had used in this way…don’t know if he did it.

    People who do this kind of thing reject any kind of authority or accountability which will condemn their actions and they reap what they sow …as well as other who suffer their random attitude about boundaries. Its as much a character issue as anything when their ‘needs’ outstretch their responsibilities and integrity.

    So not all people who claim to follow Christ actually DO what HE has instructed His followers to do . Not all who attend a church are Christian either…ugh what a mess but it is as Christ SAID it would be as time went on….

    I am so sorry your child is suffering from the decisions you have made and of course the way you had expected things to turn out due to the selfish man telling you what you wanted to hear….you are not alone in that these days sadly.

    Imagine my grief to know I did my best to be the best wife I could learn to be for all those years …in all areas…including the bedroom and companionship …but some people are not prone to be content with what they have ….

    The difficulty people have is not LISTENING to the Lord …instead of listening to other people or the multiple ways fantasies are presented to us as truth….is pandemic these days and why we need a Savior and those who claim Him NEED to read the WORD and ask HIM to teach them more and more these days!

    People of the world expect perfection from Christians and I can understand why ..yet as we come to Christ we find out …ooops …just because we want to do what is right …sometimes it takes a lot more time to learn how that goes.

    This is NOT TO EXCUSE anyone for doing what everyone knows is sinful and harmful …just saying it is God’s judgments, learned in the form of commandments, that actually help us avoid doing things that harm us .

    The world and our own carnal ways of thinking yet submitted to the study of the Word …which seems to encourage what God tells us is sinful as it deceives us to make excuses for what we WANT to do even knowing it is sin and will kill . We just don’t GET how dangerous and damaging sin is. The Word TELLS us …even as we may not want to accept it as truth until we find how painful consequences are.

    We don;t want to hear it ….or we don’t realize what GOD tells us in the truth about the condition of our fallen heart..

    Jer 17:9 The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?

    God knows it and is willing to show us but we often do not want to be told ….it’s part of the destructive consequences we ALL suffer from our federal head…Adam who first rebelled and disobeyed …ever after we are challenged in the area of being willing to hear what God would tell us about our fallen , sinful state…especially those of us who regard our own opinion as good enough and maybe even superior to others.

    The Lord points out that even on our best day ..even the Pharisees who were considered by all in their day as the most obedient to GOD ..could not be good enough ..it took the Savior , God Almighty who came in the flesh and who live temped in all things like as we are YET WITHOUT SIN ..to be the final sacrificial lamb who takes away the sin of the world…in payment but in practicality we all must learn to WALK by the WORD and HIS power…some have not heard this message …even in the church.

    Saved by Grace…walking by HIS counsel daily …from what we learn from His Word…it’s a lifetime of learning to listen and obey to be ‘transformed by the renewing of the mind’ by HIS Spirit in the inner man by way of the “incorruptible seed ‘ which is HIS WORD.

    So anyone willing to go into adultery does KNOW that it is wrong and has a huge potential to harm not just themselves but others who have to deal with the consequences.

    Even the OW who received generous support from our family has rejected my attempts to talk with her and give her opportunity to express herself to me ….

    We have supported those children through private school and have used both of our retirement savings to do so.

    Our own children have been dealing with the deceitful behavior of their father and his ongoing abandonment of me and our household.

    To date he has spent over two million dollars to support them over the now 16 years that they have been alive. The OW got more money before the children were born but she ‘sealed the deal’ for a nearly a lifetime of support from ALL of our family since we had no say in any of these expenditures.

    Once I did know my first concern was for our children AND believe it or not ..for the support of the children of the adultery.

    I cannot say I have been joyful over these losses but I have tried to respond in the way that I could learn the Lord would have me do .

    I still pray for all …not always with a full heart but I also pray for being able to forgive as I have been forgiven.

    My husband is still in a state of darkened understanding and says he now ‘hates ‘ the OW who had children by him….he now has confessed to ‘dating’ yet another woman as he has moved out to live a ‘separate life” as he ‘has always wanted’

    The fact that so many who commit adultery and live secret lives have the SAME WORDS to defend or excuse their choices tells me a lot about where the SOURCE of LIES comes from Jesus said it was the ‘father of lies, the devil’

    Today so many scoff at the idea of their being a REAL devil …but the bible is clear that the devil is presently and temporarily here and seeking whom he may devour with deceptions which steal away precious life time….His working is in the area of ‘the world, the flesh ” and through the pride of life…the lust of the eyes and the lust of the flesh he has found many openings into lives of unwitting people who know not the way GOD reveals these evil workings of thoughts which promote deeds which lead away from a godly and healthy life.

    Today the eyes of men are not being govern as Christ instructed them. .and they are stimulated on every side. When they do not know HOW their own minds will lead them astray because they have not listened to the wisdom of GOD and taken it to heart…the destruction follows just as we read so clearly in Proverbs.

    God does not want that for anyone but when we refuse to listen and reject His Word out of hand …taking other peoples’ word for it …then we suffer losses.

    The World will provoke lust and people think it is ‘love’ …emotions, hormones and various other things bring people to the alter who do not know how to maintain their affections for their spouses and they don’t expect to have to ‘work’ at maintain that love they feel that they were brought to make a lifetime vow to that person.

    No one put a gun in their ribs to marry and they were happy as long as things went their way …but soon as LIFE comes along with normal stresses…and add in temptations which provide an ‘option’ to DEALING with the things life and marriage will bring …and they will seek to escape all kinds of stresses …which are normal …to opt for the quick pleasure of a ‘relationship’ which requires NOTHING in terms of effort …except when the need to lie comes upon them.

    This is so sad for women like us who do our best…but when unmarried …or even married …there is a boundary which should be a WARNING to anyone who may be flattered to be considered the ‘rescue ‘ for a man who claims he is unhappy in his marriage

    If he is ‘unhappy ‘ it may be he is the one who is not doing what HE should do to deal with the jurisdiction GOD ordained a MAN to take upon himself .

    His ‘happiness’ is not to be the sole reason for his marrying anyone …there is going to be a maturing that comes about as he does as Jesus said..”DENY YOURSELF …take up your CROSS …which is what overcoming all kinds of challenges in relationship to your spouse will bring about …and FOLLOW ME …

    Those who are too selfish or immature or do not realize this from feeding upon fantasies will be disappointed…yet those who are married and honor marriage will find a way to remain faithful …one way is for them to ‘quite shopping’

    My daughter stated it well when my husband said that he did not know it would hurt us …she said “Even a child knows it is wrong and hurts when they have something stolen from them”

    My children had YEARS of their fathers time and affection taken from them as he engaged in his lengthy adultery with a woman who did not want marriage …or even children which she often left alone during their younger years….while we all thought my husband was working so hard we were sorry for him!

    The children of the OW also have had their own family experiences stolen from them as well.

    IT has been a lose lose situation.

    I know you may not find this much comfort and I cannot imagine the pain you suffer now as you observe your children dealing with the consequences of your choices…and even as you were HOPING in the words of a man who not only lied and cheated upon his wife but he also sinned greatly against GOD who STILL is merciful and gracious and would not that anyone perish but is longsuffering and awaiting those who WILL to come to Him to be forgiven and to forsake their own ways and seek and learn of Him in the pages of Scripture .

    To become taught BY HIS Holy Spirit is the best way to learn the truth for HE IS THE TRUTH and there is no other way to come to the Father but through Jesus Christ.

    I cannot change anyone’s mind …yet I will testify that though we go through many sorrowful things at the hands of those we love even ….we still have a Savior who will take us up and heal our wounds and enable us within His own keeping..

    Psa 27:10 When my father and my mother forsake me, then the LORD will take me up.

    Psa 68:6 God setteth the solitary in families: he bringeth out those which are bound with chains: but the rebellious dwell in a dry land.

    Psa 41:4 I said, LORD, be merciful unto me: heal my soul; for I have sinned against thee.

    I testify that people WILL disappoint you yet Jesus Christ has been faithful to save me out of many perils and even this difficult and deeply wounding situation I hope in His strength and for His provision for me and our family …and even my husband and the women who he has used….sadly.

    People are fallen…people are weak…people may deceive for many reasons …but the Lord will forgive and for those who are willing to walk in the Truth and follow Him they will not remain in condemnation ….They must ‘forsake their sin’ and that is done by going to Him and starting anew each day …eating the ‘bread that came down from heaven’ …who is Jesus Christ the righteous.

    Psa 103:8 The LORD is merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and plenteous in mercy

    Psa 119:58 I intreated thy favour with my whole heart: be merciful unto me according to thy word

    hn 5:24 ¶ Verily, verily, I say unto you, He that heareth my word, and believeth on him that sent me, hath everlasting life, and shall not come into condemnation; but is passed from death unto life.

    Mat 12:50 For whosoever shall do the will of my Father which is in heaven, the same is my brother, and sister, and mother

    God’s Word is SPIRIT …it is SEED …it brings forth the LIFE everlasting when received with meekness and believed ….

    1 Peter 1:23 Being BORN AGAIN , not of corruptible seed, but of incorruptible, BY THE WORD OF GOD, which liveth and abideth for ever.

    24 For all flesh is as grass, and all the glory of man as the flower of grass. The grass withereth, and the flower thereof falleth away:

    25 But the word of the Lord endureth for ever. And this is the word which by the gospel is preached unto you.

    May you find HIS peace which is not as the world gives but it is peace WITH GOD through Jesus Christ who BOUGHT you with the price of his sacrifice …his blood…upon the cross and was raised when we were justified ….and is coming soon to receive those who have trusted in His finished work in paying in full for ALL sin …

    Apply His finished work to your life and learn of Him for He cares for us even when everyone else falls so short…even as we ourselves must admit we do.

    Many hugs for you today as He continues to reach out to you in His compassion through many you may not have considered .

  78. OK Ginger …if I may add something to this ….

    Cheaters Wife is correct in her point of view as the Word of God tells us that marriage is to be held in the state of sanctified and holiness…that is “separated” and “distinct” from all other relationships.

    These generations have lost this attitude and knowledge…many times due to false teachers who take advantage of unlearned or new , young believers , or seekers.

    Young women who often times are vulnerable due to not having had a father who lived according to the Word of GOD nor taught them…nor spent time bringing them the knowledge of their own value as young women. They become prey for men who have no interest in anything but using a woman who is libel to buy what they are telling them….in hope…hope of being ‘somebody’..sometimes that alone is what draws a young woman into ‘getting a man who is already taken …or verified as a ‘good man’.

    Those who project ‘celebrity ‘ also are able to hook ‘groupies’ of a sort in whatever venue…business execs …such as my husband …or a sports figure of some note…a musician, a college professor…..any professional that may have some kind of money prospects….there are many snares that can draw a young vulnerable women who has not been taught what her value is and the value of virtue….one reason GOD actually gave the responsibility to husbands and fathers to provide not just money but teaching of the Word and particular protection for his wife and daughters …until they marry …then it is for the husband to protect his wife …and daughters from false teachings…and from predators…Today’s worldly church neglects this aspect….and that has been going on for many generations …

    It began when being a minister became a ‘vocation’ to make a living rather than a calling …but that’s another issue. …however it does explain the decline of the western churches under the banner of ‘Christianity’ since this secularization occurred within the churches.Filling pews became more important than study of scripture and teaching all of it IN TRUTH rather than appealing to flesh….no wonder men who entered the ministry did not care to teach all scripture ….they taught what other men taught them for the purpose of getting hired …a job…not a life walk.

    So the call of the World has redefined all morality rather than learning the value of God ‘s love for us and our true value to HIM.

    This is what the Bible defines as ‘lust of the flesh’ …the desire to ‘be somebody’ ..to be valued.

    The way God gave distinct jurisdictions, both by gender and by responsibilities has been all but lost to people of this century where all definitions, histories and boundaries have been redefined and rewritten by the secular humanist and reformers since the Age of “Reason’ so called but is NOT reasonable nor according to mental soundness as described by God in His record of the God Breathed scriptures.

    Marriage is a distinct jurisdiction in which BOTH …that is one man and one woman were brought together and commanded to ‘leave ‘ all other priorities in terms of relationship and to cleave …or devote themselves to each other…forsaking all others.

    This truth and these god given laws of marriage have been thrown away to the damage of many MANY people ..men , women and children alike’

    It’s interesting if we dig a LOT deeper into the study of the Word as God commanded us to do …to ‘Study to show yourself approved UNTO GOD …a WORKMAN …who needs not to be ashamed ,.,,,rightly dividing the Word of truth’ 2 Tim 2:15 ….that we would all find out why God is not being ‘mean ‘ or ‘uncaring ‘ or ‘withholding’ just because He ‘s ‘that kind of god’

    NO it was for OUR best …..healthier…[no fear of STDS] ….more secure [ when we obey and in marriage BOTH care enough about GOD to learn something …then there is security in knowing that there will be NO cheating and there will be ongoing concern to keep oneself from falling into sin by avoiding all kinds of venues which would encourage such behavior!]

    The world we are in presently does not have that EVEN IN CHURCHES ….it is INDIVIDUAL responsibility to know GOD and if one casts that away ..sooner or later one who is NOT involved with ongoing care about their relationship with GOD will become decieved into thinking what the world says is true and OK …and God is just a fuddy duddy.

    Today’s world demonstrates more and more people are living by their own feelings, desires and lusts to their own hurt and that of others …they ‘say’ they ‘love’ but have not availed themselves to study to learn what that means…God led me to see a few things about this that I did not know …but as many do …I presumed I already “knew’ the Bible…

    Now after 47 years of searching scripture I find that there are many things I HAVE NOT KNOWN …even after much effort …but some of this is because of people who are called ‘wolves’ and ‘hirelings ‘ in pulpits…some know they are …some don’t realize it ..but just the same the Word is our ONLY way to know the difference between the truth and what GOD really says …about ALL things…pertaining to this life and godliness…and what “memorex’ preachers may say…

    One thing for sure we have the BODY of Christ and HIS WORD so that people who DO take the personal time to ask GOD about what they don’t know and then read and trust Him to show up and teach them ..WILL find out …He promised.

    So how much TIME does it take???? How about how much humility and desire to do the work of studying the word ..even for a short time DAILY as Jesus told us to ???

    What we are willing to SOW of God’s Word will result in wisdom …and even if you only have a short bit of time ..Proverbs is a good place to start…that is if you are not put off by the warning to NOT go into anyone not your wife!

    Now for a preacher that cheats! WOW …That man will be held to a more severe accountability …but really YOU entered into a PREACHER’S marriage …ADULTERY …that might be a red flag to any woman to AVOID not ony having any kind of romantic thing with him but to RUN from his ‘church”!!!!

    Predator alert!

    Say I know this kind of person …they are NOT a true preacher of the gospel but they do creep in and they do lead people astray who do NOT KNOW what God has given us to learn.

    I have heard all their excuses and rhetoric…but one thing…DON”T BLAME GOD for the way these false teachers do …they have set themselves us and then take advantage of people who know not the scripture.

    The point I think Cheater’s Wife made …no matter how distasteful it was for Ginger to have to hear it …is that adultery is something EVERYONE KNOWS is WRONG ..even if we go on ahead with it …by some twisting of thought life.

    How sorrowful you are and I can relate as I said …I have been duped by believers , unbelievers and rank narcissist in the past but the Lord has taught me …sometimes the hard way.

    It still is beneficial to turn from the state of blaming …though there is due blame and surely recompense to follow a man who preys in such a way …..I just hope he is no longer in ministry!

    That kind of deceit and use of the pulpet is MOST HATED by the Lord and HE WILL bring judgment to bare if that person does not repent and step down and make himself humble to obey the scriptures .

    No wonder many do not trust the Gospel with so many deceivers out there claiming to teach in Jesus Name….but GOD is not to blame and Jesus warned us this would become more and more the case …Deception indeed is one of the most identifying marks of the latter last days.

    There is nothing more to expect FROM this man …but turn to learn to trust the Lord .

    I know this is very difficult ..it’s double deception from not only a lying cheater on his marriage but a deceiver in the form of godliness which brings a whole nother level of devilishness into this .

    Be glad you are rid of this person ..and protect your children from him….ask God to help you live your life as you said you have been focused upon Him …and not involving yourself with any other man…Good for you!

    Let God deal with such ….and believe me …eventually He will … but presently pray for them to repent…because any consequences that these may suffer MAY cause them to seek God’s forgiveness in a real repentance.,..but they NEED God to grant them repentance…and if they continue in their sinful activities …that is not what YOU want yourself or your children involved in.

    It’s hard to be alone … It’s hard to realize someone you trusted turned out to not just stumble but has DIVED headlong into creating such a deceitful situation ..hurting you and children you love…and to have to realize what liars are and how stealth …but GOD has set forth HIS Word so that we may learn.

    It may take some TIME …but without that man intruding into your life …become prepared with wisdom so that YOU and your children learning from you about what forgiveness is and how to avoid letting others use them ..will be a lesson many kids do not get today.

    The school systems may have good teachers…but the things they are being told to teach are also not helpful to avoid such dangers …sin is not a word people think of or use …but it is a REAL thing to be learned about and why it is so dangerous to our lives day to day and eternity as well.

    John 8:31 Then said Jesus to those Jews which believed on him, IF YE CONTINUE IN MY WORD, then are ye my disciples indeed;

    32 And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.

    You and I and Cheaters Wife CAN be ‘free’ from being deceived but that necessitates CONTINUING in the WORD …and the LORD will guide us and keep us …no matter what.

    God Bless you and may He work healing into your heart…there is none to be found in the world or in any other than Jesus Christ Himself.


  79. Huh, wait a second… I agreed with everything you said except for the last part, at least not entirely.

    I do think that if it’s possible, after some time the loyal spouse can try and accept the baby, but adopt him and not have him live elsewhere?

    I understand that the circumstances in which this baby was born were not the best, but that doesn’t give anyone the right to take the baby away from his or her mother; regardless of her actions, it’s not like you can simply decide “oh well, I guess I’ll take my husband’s other baby in”.

    You might be the wife and everything you want but you don’t really have any rights over that child so you can’t just ignore the mother. In the end, the mistress isn’t messing with your children that way.

    1. Hi Jillian,

      Just to clarify, I did not mean that the Loyal Spouse should try to end the parental rights of the Affair Partner. Clearly that can not happen. Each instance of a child born of adultery has its own unique issues and this results in a many different legal situations. Thus from a LEGAL point of view, I suggest that people consult an attorney to be informed.

      But what I was talking about is the way that the loyal spouse VIEWS and TREATS the innocent child. See, from the baby’s point of view, they didn’t ask for this. They were not part of the lying, manipulating and betrayal–they are just an innocent child! So my encouragement is for the loyal spouses: if your disloyal spouse does get pregnant, there is no reason you can’t make the conscious decision to treat that child with love and care AS IF they are your own child and raise them like they have your DNA.

      Jillian, not all parents want and keep their children, and what I’m saying here is that if there is an instance where one of the adulterous pair walks away or abandons the child, there is no biblical principle that says the loyal spouse has to treat the baby differently. It is alright to choose to love the baby as it is, despite the unusual way that God chose to bring the baby into their lives.

      But to be clear: no this is not about terminating parental rights for a parent who chooses to be involved in their child’s life or who chooses to be responsible and raise the child despite the difficult circumstances. I think I’m just letting the Loyal Spouses know that if they are holding back on loving and accepting the child because of how the child “arrived” that it’s okay for them to let go of that.

  80. I’m in this situation right now. My husband and I have a daughter together but he now has a son with the OW. I’m having a hard time dealing with this because of the infidelity but also because he’s always wanted a son and this affair gave him exactly what he wanted. Just not with me. It crushes me. The affair is over but My self worth has been so battered. I’m lost right now

    1. My Sister,

      I bring your memory to John 11:19-36. Your marriage, like Lazarus, is very dear to our father. So much so that when Jesus saw the mourning of Mary and Martha he also mourned the death of their brother, the King of heaven and earth was moved with so much compassion at the devastation of their loss that The Bible says he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled which describes what is to me the shortest and most powerful verse in the whole book. Verse 35 “Jesus Wept”

      My sister, I want you to know that The Lord of Lords is weeping with you, and like with Mary and Martha he is deeply moved and troubled in spirit by the temporary death of your marriage.

      I say temporary because like with Lazarus, while he was grief stricken he did not allow it to bind him, however he used the death of this treasure to glorify God and in doing so he rose Lazarus (your marriage) from the dead.

      In verse 25-26 our Lord tells Martha that he is the resurrection and the life and all that believe in him shall live. And so my sister as you stand at the tomb of your dead marriage he is asking you as he asked Martha “Do you believe?”

      What amazes me that regardless of the stench of rotting death, Jesus was not troubled by the state of the situation what moved him was the grief of the loss. It moved him to a place that through Martha’s faith he commanded that the stone be rolled away and he called Lazarus (your marriage) out from death.

      And so my sister our Lord is asking you today “Do you believe?”

      Do you believe that he will bind up your wounds and heal your broken heart?

      Do you believe that he will raise your marriage from the dead?

      Do you believe that no weapon whether that be man, woman or child formed against you shall prosper?

      Do you believe that he will uphold you with his right hand and you shall mount up on wings like an eagle?

      Do you believe that what HE has joined together no man, woman or child can put asunder?


      Believe my sister, with all that you have left, believe not in your husband but in the Lord Jesus Christ that his covenant if marriage will be upheld and honoured from this day forward.

      You are not alone.

      17 On his arrival, Jesus found that Lazarus had already been in the tomb for four days. 18 Now Bethany was less than two miles[b] from Jerusalem, 19 and many Jews had come to Martha and Mary to comfort them in the loss of their brother. 20 When Martha heard that Jesus was coming, she went out to meet him, but Mary stayed at home.

      21 “Lord,” Martha said to Jesus, “if you had been here, my brother would not have died. 22 But I know that even now God will give you whatever you ask.”

      23 Jesus said to her, “Your brother will rise again.”

      24 Martha answered, “I know he will rise again in the resurrection at the last day.”

      25 Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; 26 and whoever lives by believing in me will never die. Do you believe this?”

      27 “Yes, Lord,” she replied, “I believe that you are the Messiah, the Son of God, who is to come into the world.”

      28 After she had said this, she went back and called her sister Mary aside. “The Teacher is here,” she said, “and is asking for you.” 29 When Mary heard this, she got up quickly and went to him. 30 Now Jesus had not yet entered the village, but was still at the place where Martha had met him. 31 When the Jews who had been with Mary in the house, comforting her, noticed how quickly she got up and went out, they followed her, supposing she was going to the tomb to mourn there.

      32 When Mary reached the place where Jesus was and saw him, she fell at his feet and said, “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.”

      33 When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled. 34 “Where have you laid him?” he asked.

      “Come and see, Lord,” they replied.

      35 Jesus wept.

      36 Then the Jews said, “See how he loved him!”

  81. Dear Married and Mourning.

    I am grieved for your sake as I have had to deal with such a situation wherein my husband had two children despite the three we have who were cared for by finance but abandoned throughout their lives as my husband was “busy making a living ‘for’ all of us’ …it turned out he was ‘busy’ alright but not so much “for’ all of us.

    I cannot comfort you for it is a grief you must go THROUGH and only by the ongoing growing in the relationship you have with Jesus Christ. I think it is helpful that your husband seems to have had the guts to stay in your marriage and home and I pray that you both will submit to the study of the Word along with asking the Lord for HIS counsel since human beings…even those who are believers are not as able to minister WITHIN your hearts as Jesus is.

    Willingness is one of the most essential aspects for both but especially the one who has been unfaithful to be teachable and to pursue all aspects of what is needed to convey to the grieving spouse any and all things of the marriage relationship to be restored to the proper order of that jurisdiction.

    According to the first marriage set forth ..that means that there is the absolute need for the spouse to be THE number one priority in terms of all decisions. God is over all and as one marriage restoration writer put it …GOD is always overall …so He is not ‘#1” but always overall …the spouse is thus #1 in all practical areas of a human relationship here while going through this earthly realm. All others are to be seen in the context of that one flesh relationship.

    All influences that are distracting or subtracting are to be supportive of the ‘cleaving ‘ aspect of the one flesh relationship.

    This flies in the face of this age of lawlessness and leading with feelings and opinions…as the church of Laodicia was just that ..everyone’s opinion and maybe the bible thrown in with all of that …not God’s will according to scripture in terms of living life without further mixing in of fleshly ideas.

    The scripture tells us….

    2 Co 10:5 Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ;

    The pain you are experiencing is huge considering you did not ‘give’ your husband the gender that you felt he was so wanting…that can’t help but cause more pain and sorrow to you.

    If he is willing to learn why this is such a huge wound then he will learn and you will too how God intended the fidelity to provide all kinds of satisfaction with the life one has ….so many damages are done by way of the lack of thankfulness in anyone married FOR their spouse .

    This is from a lack of proper teaching of what God was providing for us …for our joy, and our maturity and learning as well as ultimately learning to be content and find deeper contentment as we are thankful for the person GOD has provided for us in our spouse.

    The culture pushes the idea that ‘one is just not ‘enough’; and so when the Word is not instructed properly or we lack the knowledge from our own study and investigation …the setting for disaster is laid down by years of fantasies from all kinds of media and influences of the fallen world even as it is also ‘leaked’ into the realm of the church pews.

    The Lord told us that ‘MY people are destroyed for lack of knowledge ‘ and this is a sad state of many believers in an age where the pulpit has been filled with many who are not really equipped as they ought to be by the complete instruction of the WORD rather than a view of the ministry as a vocation rather than a calling which requires of all who follow the Lord to become instructed in righteousness by HIS SPIRIT while we continue in His Word as He has instructed all who follow Him to do.

    God’s love has been set forth as based upon His Word…and we are to ‘abide in it and have it abide in us’ ….He has said it is what it is to LOVE HIM ….to keep His words.

    I recall when I discovered the photos of the two children ages 7 and 3 at the time quite by accident that I cried out to the Lord since it felt what I would imagine it would be like riding at high speed without a seat beat and hitting an invisible impenetrable object and being jettisoned through the windshield bullet like.

    The shock to my system was enormous as I had to try to grasp WHO those children were and why their photos were in my husband’s old brief case!

    Nothing like this can be related to anyone who has not gone through it .

    My first course of ‘action’ was to restrain my emotional reaction so that I could try to do what the Lord would have me do…HOWEVER …thinking this through has been very long and difficult for me …as when “:WAIT?!!! THIS is my life???? THIS is what my marriage has been ???REALLY?

    But indeed it turned out my husband had spent the better part of our marriage of 26 years at that time ….investing himself and all that GOD had provided for his wife and children …in other people and other women and one woman in particular at that time.

    Since then he chose to take the ‘easy way’ out and left us ….in order to take up with yet another woman …and depleted our whole household income beyond anyone’s ability to believe…so it’s best NOT to tell most people anything about this …most people are not equipped to help you through it …not all ministers are equipped…not family who love you and are on ‘your side’ …but remember you are ONE FLESH …and this is a job for the LORD …even though it seems very lonely.

    The devil HATES marriage and has gone after the ‘head’ or leader in order to steal , kill and destroy anyone he can hook by some vulnerability or weak are where they do not have the armor on of the Word of GOD in some area.

    The sorrow I have helps me help others I hope …I know what it is that you are going through and then some. Sadly many others are in this dubious ‘blessing” where , like it or not , we are going to endure a small portion of the way Jesus has been betrayed and abandoned…so HE knows better than anyone what it is to go through this ..and how it will be ‘resurrected’ as said above.

    The weeping Jesus demonstrated if we read the whole context had a lot to do with the crowd of people who were in unbelief….He ‘groaned ‘ while observing that no matter that he had JUST reminded Mary and Martha that HE IS the resurrection and the life…and his reputation was pretty much known that He was capable of raising Lazarus from the dead yet people demonstrated STILL unbelief ….and perhaps He even knew that some were critical of his not arriving sooner…

    Think about it . He endured unbelief even as we have been set aside for some reason that is no reason at all for someone who was not part of the covenant of marriage.

    Yet Jesus demonstrated compassion and forgiveness…He still required that those who knew scripture ….trust that He is the Messiah …and those who SHOULD have known because they were of the priesthood …did not.

    I would weep too …it stings to be doubted …even after all these years of faithfulness in our marriage …my husband did not appreciate my life long effort to walk in the faith and to learn to be a wife he could love and be proud of.

    Adultery is not about the faithful spouse yet it sure does seem so …it is part of the attack upon your heart and mind that you need the shield of faith and all the armour which is the Word in your mind daily ..and your time with the Lord daily. His Word protects your mind from receiving the lying thoughts that flow in when your heart is aching.

    One thing I realized is that my husband , being a pretty ‘kind ‘ man by fleshly opinion , hurt not just me but his own chances of being happy in his marriage because he was not thankful….He would SAY ‘thank you’ TO me but he was NOT THANKFUL FOR me.

    When a person is not thankful for what he has …life, salvation,marriage, spouse, children, etc…then he will not be satisfied.

    When a person is not satisfied by way of considering what God has done for him and practice this kind of thankful thinking ..then there will be openings for the devil to arrange all kinds of ‘options ‘ for him to taste.

    Anyone not your own spouse is POISON …just even looking at other women…and thinking about them will kill one’s appetite for the spouse at home.

    One reason my husband lost his love for me and his concern for what his choices would do to his family …was he was not thankful for anything he had…he ‘enjoyed’ what he had but he sought thrills and taking risks with our hearts.

    The damage began with his dismissing my warnings about his ‘ways ‘ with other women …he thought it was just the same as he behaved with the men that worked for him…but women took it differently …He decided it was ‘just me’ but when he dismissed my effort to let him know how it felt to me to be made nothing distinct in all his friendships it hurt…and he continued despite how he was made to know how I felt AND what would be the ‘danger’ in the case of drawing women’s emotions …..He scoffed at me.

    I had been in ministry long enough to learn some of the things for humans to watch out for and avoid…Once married he just did not respect my input.

    Often times the ’cause’ for adultery of a husband is laid upon the wife …the trouble with this is that WOMEN marry and TRY to learn how to please their husband’s …they are students of how to succeed in marriage….most women ..

    Men often hear that ‘if your wife doesn’t give you enough sex then …well it’s their fault if you have to go elsewhere’…yes I HEARD this preached …men who heard this …often times would take this as some kind of tacit release to go and ‘get their needs met elsewhere’

    What happened to ‘self control” which by the way is a fruit of the spirit! The protocol of the marriage is the man initiates …to LOVE HIS WIFE..

    Today men are so hyped up by every billboard and environment of our sexualized society [which is no accident …history of porn is one of the eyeopeners as it entered into our culture in full force in the 40’s and then 50’s with Alfred Kinsey and his helper in ”research ‘ Hugh Hefner….both men pedophiles….but I digress]

    If a man does not realize the treasure of his marriage as it is the way to demonstrate Christ’s love for the Church ..and does not realize that self control is what is called for before DURING and after marriage then lust with destroy him …married sex or not…and it will burn out a woman not truly experiencing sacrificial love…

    If a man will not allow GOD to teach him how to love his wife…then appetite and lust will direct him into trouble….lacking knowledge of how to love in truth …such as ‘love worketh no ill to his neighbor’ would keep him from taking advantage of even the most ardent offers…in fact it should keep him from GOING WHERE those ‘offers’ are likely to be!

    Peer group, culture, media and habits cannot be held up above the wisdom of GOD without damage to his own god provided supply of what would mature him….strengthen his love foe GOD and his wife ..AND his own children.

    When enough is never enough …then no body can fill that hole of need…only JESUS CHRIST and that means that Jesus means more to the person than his ‘needs’

    By the way …I am tired of hearing about ‘his needs’ ‘her needs’

    I realize they mean well …but the outcome is not heard well.

    Sex is NOT the same in terms of ‘need’ as air, food , water….but thinking that we are ‘animals’ as the evolution teach …then they tell people that they are not expected to control their urges…and that in some cases they teach that it is ‘unhealthy’ to go without sex !

    It is not good for a marriage to be ‘sexless’ if both people are healthy and they are under submission to the Word of God in truth….but it seems from the many disasters in marriages even in the church that there is a great need for spiritual instruction and maturity on the subject which has been lacking.

    Along with many of the other ideas that have found their way into the church …unbiblical perspectives have left a lot of people who do not read or study their Bibles in the dark in many areas of what GOD told us to learn .

    This is not reversible in the body of Christ …many are waking up but some not before their lives have been damaged because of neglect of personal time with the Lord .

    Lots of bible classes…bible devotions….bible journals…etc…but none are substitute for time with the Lord , asking Him to guide us into what He would like to equip us with.

    Hos 4:6 My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge: because thou hast rejected knowledge, I will also reject thee, that thou shalt be no priest to me: seeing thou hast forgotten the law of thy God, I will also forget thy children.

    Oh dear I pray you and your husband will direct attention to the Lord and to each other.

    The dividing aspect of the two children born to a woman who did not want marriage but wanted children as a ‘single mom by choice’ cost us all dearly as my husband could not divide himself from his concern for them …in order to stay and learn what to do to deal with the spouse who he set aside a long time ago for his own interests.

    Some times people just want to be thought of as EVERYBODY’S great guy helper.

    We live in a culture that is working hard to break all boundaries …boundaries were set for mankind for his own protection and good and marriage was FOR the demonstration of God’s goodness .

    From the time of Eve being lured into unthankfulness …to seeking something GOD had warned Adam about …she began to think she was missing something!

    Adam was to “keep ‘ aka “guard” the garden …and to protect Eve …to pass along whata GOD had told him when Eve was not present at the time….Adam was to at least remind Eve …while he was standing as scripture says ‘with her’ …yet he did not

    Not obeying GOD to do all those things led to a setting wherein there was a ‘space’ for Eve to be tempted into acting upon some of the ideas which we see progressively moving away from thinking of GOD as generous and protective …to think of him as restrictive and ‘mean’

    The Word of God will always seem ‘restrictive’ and ‘mean’ to those who do not know GOD and know what His word says ..the world’s indoctrination over several generations has brought us to this time ….

    Yet the offer to turn from sin and turn to GOD [repentance] and learn to walk in obedience is one great demonstration of God’s love and compassion. He desires marriages to THRIVE and He knows how to take care of what is entrusted to Him

    We belong to Him and if in Christ we are of HIS BODY …and He takes care of HIS own body …even as He instructed husbands that to love their own wives was to take care of their OWN BODY.

    So when I hear a man complain about his wife …I cannot help but recall that God gave the ‘keys ‘ to opening his wife’s heart and how to love her to the man ..>IF he was willing to heed what GOD gave him to read.

    Right now your heart is being jerked around with thoughts and ideas…emotions which are NOT WRONG because what has happened was NOT God’s work or will in your lives….it was a drawiing by the world, the flesh and the devil according tothe WORD and we have been giben the ability and opportunity while we still live to see the Lord for his work to heal us and give us even more strength to not only endure all of these things but to rise above whatever the devil thinks he can get away with .

    THANKFULNESS FOR the wife of his youth will go along way to help heal your pain

    It may be difficult to believe and or trust …but if he does not make the EFFORT to continue for a VERY LONG TIME …even until death do you part..which was the plan anyway …then it will be more difficult for both of you.

    His focus needs to be where God ordained him when he asked for GOD to let him take care of one of God’s women…. ….You are his God ordained first priority in the jurisdiction of marriage…and family.

    All else will be better off if he will willingly DO THAT ….

    Trying to divide himself will be destructive …a man cannot serve two masters…at least that is what my take away from study of the scripture has been

    The present situation in our marriage is that we are still married…35 years but he is living by himself and I am not sure what relationship he has with the children of the adultery but he said he hates the OW …yet he has started up with another woman who he said thinks he is divorced…that was the straw that broke the camels back …when my daughters and I saw him with the OW [not the one with the children he ‘gave’ her] …it was another deeply wounding shock …as we were told he was only leaving to be alone….

    His children do not have any contact with him now …until he ceases his sinful choices .

    We went from having a couple of million and retirement to now living pay check to paycheck…

    Proverbs is TRUE…people need to teach their children that it is just what happens ..like yesterdays news …or todays sadly ….when sin finds you out …even God’s mercy will not always delete the consequences.

    Strong delusion seems to be overtaking those who loved not the truth and did not want to retain the knowledge of GOD in their thinking…thus a reprobate condition …getting worse and worse among those who know not the truth.

    Sad…I pray you will find your hope continuing to be built up in the inner man by way of the Word of GOD which is HIS SPIRIT …and it is life.

    Jhn 6:63 It is the spirit that quickeneth;

    the flesh profiteth nothing:

    the words that I speak unto you, they are spirit, and they are life.

    Psa 23:5 Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies:

    thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.

    1. I am truly sorry for your pain. I have experienced it. I too have been the loyal spouse and have suffered through adultery and finding out about a child (three months knowledge of this child). I am encouraged by your story and by those of the other loyal spouses. I have been so conflicted about this innocent child and i have felt really guilty about issues of child support/fostering a relationship etc. I think that God has given us free will and I am glad to say that God is able to do more than we think. I still feel that not just the sinners suffer for their actions, even the innocent end up suffering. In my case my husbands affair partners all knew he was married and all knew about me – phone numbers etc. and they still went ahead with the affair.
      I feel like Sarai, that their exclusion will help my marriage survive especially early on. God will take care of the innocent child, the same way he takes care of children born with HIV through no fault of their own. This woman decided to have sex, my husband decided to have sex and their punishment will continue through this walking reminder (innocent as it is). this woman wanted the man that I married (to be a father to my children), to take care of hers. If she wanted her child to have a father she should have married one.
      anyway, I am still praying. the Bible is clear: if your faith allows you to eat meat, dont look down on those whose faith does not allow it…

      1. Hello wounded,

        Thank you for sharing your story. I agree with you and can categorically say that our marriage would not have been able to survive if AP and child was around. It has enabled us time to heal as a family.

        It is interesting when you say that they will be punished by a walking reminder that which is the child. But doesn’t it get easier after s while, don’t they become hardened to their sin and just see it as one of those things they need to deal with?

        Only God knows how our stories will end. Thank God he is not like man.

        I know the plans I have for you saith the Lord, plans to prosper and bring you to an expected end.

      2. Dear Wounded but not dead,

        I am sorry I did not get to read your post until later tonight. I know you pain and it does seem to help somewhat to share with others who have had the same experience. One consolation apart from others we might find is that Jesus did suffer betrayal and He knows the pain and sorrow of rejection. He wept over Jerusalem because the Jews did not receive Him as the suffering Messiah and the leadership led many to reject Him as their Messiah,

        The leadership did not recognize that their Messiah in prophecy was to come TWO times…one as the suffering servant and then at during the 70th week of Daniel….aka “The time of Jacob’s Trouble”

        He is longsuffering not willing that any should perish but that all would be saved and come to the knowledge of the truth. As we observe so many of our times being destroyed because of lack of knowledge of the true Gospel of Jesus Christ …many lives are being destroyed and many perish because they have been hardened against the truth ….we live in treacherous times.

        I realized that this Month is nine years since D Day …and some 2+ years since my husband left our home. I still remain faithful to my vows as I made them to the Lord , to my husband and before many witnesses who I had hoped our wedding and marriage would grow to become the way Paul the Apostle was inspired to record …the very demonstration of Christ and His Church with a love grown from knowledge and obedience to what our Lord ordained and commanded to the husband …and provided for the wife…and out of that stability the children would be given a lifelong example of the way God would bless a godly marriage based upon His doctrine, reproof and correction which is instruction in righteousness….that a man of God would be completely complete , furnished unto all good works.

        The world is moved far from the way God would have led ….but His prophecies past have been fullfilled to the letter and those to come will not fail either.

        He will do all that He has promised …for His Church ..and for His people Israel whether the world likes it or not .

        Natural man does not receive the things of God neither can he know them because they are spiritually discerned but those in Christ are led to understand all things indicated in God’s Word. As we abide in Him and His Word abides in us He and the Father will take up their abode in us and He will reveal Himself to us and He will show us things to come.

        Now as for the ways of the World there has been a lot of false teaching flooding where the Word has not been upheld in the pulpit and in private lives. It is good that those who know the Lord take up the sword of the spirit which is the Word of God and the Shield of faith and the whole armour of God.

        As I have continued to deal with the heartbreak over these years …daily …then DAILY I have kept diving into the Word of God . I hope in Him who is my high tower and my buckler…Jesus is my protector and my counselor . I have lately begun to take every thought that hurts…every wound to Him and say “Lord heal this wound …..” and slowly I have noticed a great lifting up of the things that come across my mind daily …

        I guess it is ongoing because my husband is near and his other children are near ….but I have been shunned by him and have never met the children. He has treated me as if I was the one who did the damage to our marriage , him and our family.

        I have kept his sins from his earthly family and have told him I will let the Lord do what He wills in that area. Some would disagree but this is what I said years ago when I found out.

        The social gospel has the order wrong in every count. God ORDAINED the husband to love HIS OWN WIFE …and thus become satisfied , content and satiated with his own wife in every aspect …Keeping his eyes in his head and focused upon his wife….That alone would keep him from lusting. However many do not want to learn this secret to being faithful. Many areas of life , including business expose men …and women to temptations and the ideas of “sin’ are mocked and discarded. That does not change the truth of the matter,

        One thing I think we learn as we consider the way our lives have been broken is that God made GENDERS …specific…and JURISDICTIONS …specific….Todays world has had boundaries ignored ….not just in gender…but in marriages….property and nations…

        The prince of the power of the air is continuing as he has always been doing …causing chaos,,,confusion….division based upon lies and not sound doctrine….He is the father of lies…and they are always the same.

        Today I watched a video about the French Revolution and it seemed so like what we see going on in the world today …but not in just one country …it is spread to every corner …just as it says in scripture about the days before the end of the age of Grace.

        The same spirits are at work in the disobedient and those void of the Word of God in order that they might challenge the thoughts they have been encouraged to act upon the provocations of the demons of hell …hard at work in a last ditch effort to take more and more to hell without Christ as time is short for their freedom to do so.

        The ONLY way to refute those evil , lustful, lawless thoughts and thwart obedience to the world, the flesh and the devil is the Lord Jesus Christ and His Word ….Those without Him know not what spirit they are of. Today many young people are led in schools to practice ways to open up their minds and practice mind altering activities…such as yoga, meditation and a variety of occult and pagan practices which are forbidden by the Lord because they are dangerous and open people’s minds to spirits.

        The scriptures tell us the way to combat thoughts that are not in alignment with God’s Word which is God’s will revealed to any and all with a heart and hunger to learn from Him

        2 Cor 10:4 (For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strong holds;)

        5 Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ;

        So when you think ….then give it to the Lord and replace that thought with what He has given us to think ….it takes awareness….becoming practiced at always seeking to think what God recorded for us to learn and know in His Word. Nothing is as faithful and reliable as the Word of God to keep us safe and help us KNOW what we are dealing with in every avenue of life.

        The tough part is that in a marriage we have trusted the person we married …but did we pray for them….especially when they are way out in left field and are being pushed around by the demonic forces of this world and it’s rhetoric! We are not to BLAME for their choices …and if there are children the husband is STILL ordained to fulfill his jurisdiction of marriage …..HE is responsible to relate to his wife…not everyone else.

        Today’s Social justice and Social Gospel is backwards and upside down just like everything else the Devil has going on …his humanist doctrine has moved people to ‘love’ but not as God has directed. What love is it that stands in the place of Christ in the lives of people who are dead in trespasses and sin and know not the Savior …HIS LOVE does not ignore or abandon the first things….

        YES child support is due…..but despite the way movies and many are convinced the child must know his biological father …it has more than naught turned to tear apart the family as God has designed it to operate.

        I wonder if the thought of being regarded as a ‘dead beat dad’ has trumped the sin of being unfaithful and disregarding God ‘s command to a man who is married to love and remain in a holy and separate relationship with his wife …as the body of Christ is to be IN the World but not OF it.

        We are to do the ministry of an evangelist in reconciling people back to God and He has given us His Word to do that …first IN our selves…and in our marriages and families…FIRST ….THEN do what we may within the body and THEN with those we may have occasion to relate to as we go along at work or anywhere… We pray for the Lord to orchestrate our lives and walk so that we please HIM FIRST …and thus we are going to be a blessing toward those without.

        1Co 7:23 Ye are bought with a price; be not ye the servants of men.

        We serve others BEST when we have our lives in order under HIS direction…by HIS Word.
        As I recall when the young man wanted to wait to follow Christ until his father died because it was his cultural tradition for the first born son to be the one to officiate at the burial of his father …Jesus gave the true responsibility in His Word “Let the dead bury the dead …follow me’

        The spiritually dead benefit the most when believers follow and obey the Lord …learn as they study the whole counsel of scripture …and then live by that Word.

        His Word is the word of reconciliation …it is what functions in those who are hungry and thirsty for the truth and seek Him ….and He said those who seek Him WILL find Him

        2 Cor 5:17 Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new.

        18 And all things are of God, who hath reconciled us to himself by Jesus Christ, and hath given to us the ministry of reconciliation;

        19 To wit, that God was in Christ, reconciling the world unto himself, not imputing their trespasses unto them; and hath committed unto us the word of reconciliation.

        20 Now then we are ambassadors for Christ, as though God did beseech you by us: we pray you in Christ’s stead, be ye reconciled to God.

        So it seems that the stuff in my life that has been the most painful and difficult has drawn me to learn from Him more and more ABOUT why and what has been going on and what His patient work for our souls sake is …a work of HIS …completed at His resurrection…..I did not have anything to offer…..none of what I thought was the cause of my Saviors gift….and the times I did not appreciate this in full or I took Him for granted …these things I must consider now as I have had to deal with rejection by the love of my life.

        I find myself still having to be laying down things and seeking to understand how I will ever be able to trust my husband …but it is day by day …if my Lord will deal with my husband’s hardened heart….blind eyes …and stopped up ears …his puffed up state of mind…then whenever that occurs …I must be able to ask Him to heal my heart and supply me with clarity and wisdom of what to do should my husband repent. I will have to rely upon the Lord to direct me in that eventuality.

        in the mean time …it is the enemy of his soul that has snared my husband …so we pray for him …and any woman that he has lured….they are all clueless to the nature of the world we live in in truth….

        Eph 6:10 Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord, and in the power of his might.

        11 Put on the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil.

        12 For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.

        13 Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.

        14 Stand therefore, having your loins girt about with truth, and having on the breastplate of righteousness;

        15 And your feet shod with the preparation of the gospel of peace;

        16 Above all, taking the shield of faith, wherewith ye shall be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked.

        17 And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God:

        18 Praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, and watching thereunto with all perseverance and supplication for all saints;

        1 Thes 5:14 Now we exhort you, brethren, warn them that are unruly, comfort the feebleminded, support the weak, be patient toward all men.

        15 See that none render evil for evil unto any man; but ever follow that which is good, both among yourselves, and to all men.

        16 Rejoice evermore.

        17 Pray without ceasing.

        18 In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.

        19 Quench not the Spirit.

        20 Despise not prophesyings.

        21 Prove all things; hold fast that which is good.

        22 Abstain from all appearance of evil.

        23 And the very God of peace sanctify you wholly; and I pray God your whole spirit and soul and body be preserved blameless unto the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ.

        24 Faithful is he that calleth you, who also will do it.

        I realize this is long …seems that it’s an outpouring for our edification and exhortations sake..

        2 Tim 2:12 If we suffer, we shall also reign with him: if we deny him, he also will deny us:

        13 If we believe not, yet he abideth faithful: he cannot deny himself.

        14 Of these things put them in remembrance, charging them before the Lord that they strive not about words to no profit, but to the subverting of the hearers.

        15 Study to shew thyself approved unto God, a workman that needeth not to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth.

        16 But shun profane and vain babblings: for they will increase unto more ungodliness.

        1 John 5:19 And we know that we are of God, and the whole world lieth in wickedness.

        20 And we know that the Son of God is come, and hath given us an understanding, that we may know him that is true, and we are in him that is true, even in his Son Jesus Christ. This is the true God, and eternal life.

        21 Little children, keep yourselves from idols. Amen.

  82. Dear Lovey and Cheaters wife. Thank you for taking the time to respond back. You are right cheaters wife: I think they move on quickly and don’t consider their sin…I am still being blamed for causing the affair – my husband went to live in another town for school and he would travel back home every two or so weeks, he says if I had only joined him we wouldnt be in this situation. Only God can heal – but the women in this reply thread are doing a good job of easing the pain. Thank you and God bless

    1. I perceive the error of Adam in his attempt to cast the blame for his own disregard for Gods instructions to HIM

      Remember Eve was not present when Tod commanded Adam regarding the prohibition for Him to not eat of the tree of knowledge of good and evil

      Adam was to inform Eve after God brought her forth from Adams body

      Not only that THE MAN was ordained to “keep” the garden of Eden…another word for “keep” is “to guard”

      We observe that while Eve was conversing with the Serpent scriptures tell us that Adam was “with” her…..

      It was HIS responsibility to protect and guard the garden from predators and to protect Eve by perhaps interrupting or reminding her of what God had said…if you read the chapters carefully you will see Eve did not speak what the command was …either she did not remember it correctly or Adam did not covey it as spoke him

      In any case he was close enough to have stepped in and made a difference….to drive off the serpent or to have said to Eve…we need to obey God….or to have gone with her back to enquire what to do to God

      She spoke a form of what Gods word was but left out “freely”…added the word “touch” and the. Changed “surely die” to “lest we die”
      All indicate her view of God as having become more and more like God was not as generous and kind ….easy prey for the deceiver

      In our PC world people have lost the perspective and truths of why Adam was the one responsible for the Fall

      Not that Eve was without error but it was Adams responsibility to keep the garden free of “pests” and to keep his wife safe as well

      The way our world has been duped to believe sin is someone else’s fault results in immaturity and chaos

      A person who blames others for their choice to sin is not going to be able to confess their sin if they don’t think they are capable of making a choice by self control

      People practice self control for far lesser goals than that of personal integrity and upright character for the sake of their own self respect

      Marriage is a far more important aspect of adult life

      How would your husband like his own daughter to be involved with a man who could not contain his lust when apart from his wife just because he felt the urge to merge ?

      I know I did not grow up in a time that was any more godly than the one we have today but that did not change the order and responsibilities of men to submit to God and resist the devil….nor the Word of God which commands a man to FLEE temptation ….because it matters for the sake of his own soul….his wife’s soul…his children’s souls…and even any woman he thinks he can “get” just because he wants her and she is “available ”

      People have lost the reason WHY chastity matters….it’s about really caring for the Soul of someone …people are not for our USE

      Modern immorality is no different than any other time in history when man has decided he has no one to account to

      James chapter one informs us that when a person is tempted it is from the list in his own flesh….it is given to us to deter lust by learning and knowing the wisdom of God in how to conduct ourselves which also will effect others respectfully

      I don’t know the whole story of why your husband felt it necessary to go a distance from you or why you did not follow along…details matter
      Yet it was still HIS calling to consult the God who he once vowed to and to you to learn how to lead in marriage….to make decisions not independently apart from how a married man is to live with regarding what is best for his wife and for his marriage relationship

      If you could not go along for some reason it’s one thing if you were just being stubborn or refused without reason it is something to have been worked out
      But leaving and then not coming home as frequently as necessary to remain faithful is ON HIM
      I’m not saying this because I am a woman but as the scriptures are for our GOOD…we are given the proper order so that we are able to avoid temptation
      One clue is ..don’t go where there will be things that you know may tempt you…such as a former drug user will wisely avoid parties and friend who use drugs
      Alcohol impairs mental clairity and sound judgment…even the DMV points out the effects of one drink on a person’s judgement

      Add to that frequent time Alaskan members of the opposite sex…especially when you KNOW you are prone to attraction…you just learn to keep yourself away from opportunities and states of mind where you will be tempted

      I know jobs are a temptation in themselves….in our marriage the whole career ladder climbing overtook and eclipsed my husband’s judgment and then his time and affection

      Making a living is good and important but today people have it all upside down from how the creator had set things up for our good

      The job is to support the family…not the family to support the job

      An apology is not a confession of sin…there is a lot that someone who violates their vows to God and spouse …and violates others by intruding on lives of those who do not belong to them…that they must come to understand in terms of what is necessary to shut the door to spiritual lures and snares

      I hope and pray your husband will be willing to learn and become equipped by the Word to realize what he needs to be able to receive the forgiveness that is a a available from God

      Gods love is unconditional but receiving from God does involve a state of mind and heart whereby many are not aware of and so fail to appropriate that forgiveness to the end they are walking free from guilt and further temptation
      Casting blame and accusing others is an indication that they have some honest soul searching to do at the foot of the cross

      There is freedom in repentance but the walk in. Christ grows a person in learning how to avoid falling into the same ditches over and over again
      Sin that is not repented of and resulting in learning how to avoid from the Lord and study of the scriptures leaves a lot of questions as to the sincerity of the sorrow
      I pray you will grow in the knowledge and the fellowship of the faith as you navigate these coming days

    2. Hello Wounded,

      It does appear that they move on and do not consider their sin, but i tell you this, it hangs over them like cloud, it plagues their sleep and will surely catch them up as they travel down the road of life.

      No one escapes that which they birth both physically and spiritually.

      Your husband is lying to himself, you were supposed to be with him. In his heart, in his vows, in his promise to God that he would love and cherish you forsaking all others.

      Don’t allow him to put that on you, he need to accept responsibility for what HE did.

    1. LOL – I got that, thanks. (Why I stayed: I think there was an element of stubborness – I felt he had already been cheating on me (emotional affair, which never ended) and I felt that he wanted me along for his own selfish reasons – he just says a family should be together ( i felt that a man should spend time with his family and not always seem to want to be out of his home)

      1. Well as we see that if a sinful thought is not dealt with asap it will eventually be acted upon.

        That is what Jesus spoke of when he warned his followers to take care of what they thought and how they viewed the world and others.

        2Co 10:5 Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ;

        A person who is not born again has only the carnal mind to make decisions with. That fallen state is devoid of the knowledge of God which is His Godly WISDOM.

        Respect for the Bible as the source of God’s wisdom as BEING the inspired word of God is leading to people ignoring or redefining terms which God has defined in the context of scripture for those who believe that HE IS GOD ….and ..

        Heb 11:6 But without faith it is impossible to please him: for he that cometh to God must believe that he is, and that he is a rewarder of them that diligently seek him.

        I once asked the Lord to direct me to what HE defines ‘love’ as He put it in the first commandment ….Loving GOD is the first and most important foundation truth for anyone who SAYS they ‘love’ God ….but what does God say His form of “love ” looks like?

        As through out the scriptures God apparently connects His kind of “Love’ to HIS WORD.

        Jhn 14:23 Jesus answered and said unto him, If a man love me, he will keep my words: and my Father will love him, and we will come unto him, and make our abode with him.

        “if” always conveys a CONDITION ….not that it is not available for anyone to do what God in Christ has offered us …but everyone has to make a decision to follow …to learn …to do what God has ordered for man to do in order for man to demonstrate that he does INDEED love GOD MORE than his own flesh, the world and all other forms of ‘godliness’ which have no power to save.

        It is not that we are SAVED BY WORKS …but we are saved by the FINISHED WORKS OF GOD.

        1Jo 4:20 If a man say, I love God, and hateth his brother, he is a liar: for he that loveth not his brother whom he hath seen, how can he love God whom he hath not seen?

        Humanism and religion have stepped into the place of God and His Words to redefine by the FLESH what ‘love’ means…..and thus people who are not invested in learning from study of the Word for the sake of loving GOD do not realize they are being led by FEELINGS …emotions which are redirected from true loving decisions to doing whatever they FEEL is ‘love’

        God has distinctly defined loving others as we love our self but that begins with our being or supposed to being concerned by our having seen the testimony of Creation and our own conscience that GOD IS …and thus we are to seek Him with all our heart …..

        Failing to do that Romans declares that it is the failure of man to ‘receive the love of the truth ‘ that turnes man away from respecting and fearing God to follow after a form of religion that pleases his flesh and infects his CARNAL MIND …which further directs him to judge all things by flesh or OUTWARD appearance.

        Rom 8:7 Because the carnal mind is enmity against God: for it is not subject to the law of God, neither indeed can be.

        Scripture tells believers the wisdom of sticking to God’s judgment about all things and submitting to His judgment revealed in His Word which warns about sins that will KILL those who choose them and live in them …..after all the “thief comes to steal , kill and destroy”

        Jhn 7:24 Judge not according to the appearance, but judge righteous judgment.

        Judgement indeed BEGINS in the house of GOD …since each member of the Body of Christ …the believers are to submit to allowing God’s WORD to show the comparison to our state of fallen flesh to then agree that we need a Savior ..and as we grow up in the Word that WORD is ever allowing the believer to learn whatever we need to SEE by God’s view rather than walk by our fleshly eyes and feelings.

        This provides protection and victory for every person who realizes the need to allow GOD to direct his path by way of the counsel of the Word of GOD ,….All of it comes from HIS ‘mouth’ as Jesus told us we NEED that ‘daily bread ” that comes from the mouth of GOD .

        All Scripture is inspired or ‘theopneustos….” that is to say it is ‘God breathed”

        We HAVE what we need in order to avoid being deceived but person NEEDS to learn from God’s Word what to do about his urges….and how to order his steps by God’s protocols….stepping where His Word has ‘stepped’ or shown us to walk ..to think and then choose to obey or live by HIS wisdom. THIS is what equips us to really ‘love’ GOD His way and to love others ….

        Loving others has little to do with fleshly efforts and methods….which are nothing more than doctrines of demons decimated and believed by those who are unlearned or know not God.

        Jhn 14:24 He that loveth me not keepeth not my sayings: and the word which ye hear is not mine, but the Father’s which sent me.

        There is an imbalance within the minds of people as they have only known of God’s character as love….which has been translated in their thinking as God never judges , never corrects or reproves …but that is not based upon the God of the Bible who likens Himself to a parent who loves his children and therefore will chasten them betimes …

        What parent who loves their child doesn’t do what he can to protect the child from randomly walking into traffic in order to keep him alive! At the very least most parents would agree that they endeavor to teach and train their children not just for their own convenience but for the good of the child! How have people made the JUDGMENT that GOD is only good and loving if HE allows us to do whatever we want!!!! How spoiled we have been prone to become!

        It is certainly the evidence of a malevolent character …Satan working against the best interest of humanity to use minds empty of the knowledge of GOD ‘s Word/will to live by their fleshly desires ….desires to ‘be our own gods’ and how many often think …”Im an adult now , no one has a right to tell me what to think , how to live and what to do ”

        Hahaaha.,…But that only works until they become and employee doesn’t it …then at least for the time on the job they have to submit to someone’s directions.

        No Jesus’s first defense and reproof when the Devil approached Him after the 40 days in the wilderness was …

        Mat 4:4 But he answered and said, It is written, Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceedeth out of the mouth of God.

        2 Tim 3:16 All scripture is given by inspiration of God [theopneustos-God Breathed], and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness:

        17 That the man of God may be perfect, thoroughly furnished unto all good works.

        The Creator has provided ALL scripture …He ‘breathed’ or INSPIRED …holy men to write what HE determined we needed to be furnished unto all good works…!

        People have been led to disregard the Bible by wicked men who handle the word of God deceitfully….but GOD does not change and He is over all and has watched over His Word.

        2Pe 1:21 For the prophecy came not in old time by the will of man: but holy men of God spake as they were moved by the Holy Ghost.

        The Word came NOT BY THE WILL OF MAN ….men just did not think it up and make it up on their own….GOD inspired them and then watched over it ..

        The scriptures also speak of the devil as “walking about like a lion seeking whom he may devour”

        1Pe 5:8 Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour:

        The Serpent was consigned to ‘eat dust ” ….the man’s body , which he lives in throughout his time on the earth was “formed of the dust of the ground”

        Gen 3:14 And the LORD God said unto the serpent, Because thou hast done this, thou art cursed above all cattle, and above every beast of the field; upon thy belly shalt thou go, and DUST THOU SHALT EAT all the days of thy life:

        It seems in the reference to the devil who in Job is said to ‘walk to and fro throughout the earth;” tries to deceive by way of coming as an ‘angel of light’ or a counterfeit of the lion of Judah…..thus many are acting as agents of the devil in taking up the place of the righteous doctrine of the Word rightly divided ….among the sheep.

        Ps 78:32 For all this they sinned still, and believed not for his wondrous works.

        33 Therefore their days did he consume in vanity, and their years in trouble.

        Have you ever looked back on a day where maybe you “wasted time”? That is exactly what the devil hopes to cause people to do …to ‘waste their lifetime’ in various sinful ways …justifications thinking their life is “their own’ ….but GOD has said ..

        1Co 7:23 Ye are bought with a price; be not ye the servants of men.

        Once again people having just a smattering of the Word of God in mind believe they are to ‘serve people’ …but they don’t do so under the direction of HIS commands in the ways and to whom He has directed.

        Humanism teaches people to just DO stuff for others…but God tells us in His Word that we are “dead in trespasses in sin BEFORE we are born again ” thus what can a ‘dead’ person actually DO for anyone…His flesh ideas are useless in the eyes of GOD …the various religious works are also dead in terms of what GOD has in mind for people to do ONCE they are born again and learn from HIM through the knowledge of His Word …what He is talking about …

        2 And you hath he quickened, who were dead in trespasses and sins;

        2 Wherein in time past ye walked according to the course of this world, according to the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that now worketh in the children of disobedience:

        3 Among whom also we all had our conversation in times past in the lusts of our flesh, fulfilling the desires of the flesh and of the mind; and were by nature the children of wrath, even as others.

        4 But God, who is rich in mercy, for his great love wherewith he loved us,

        5 Even when we were dead in sins, hath quickened us together with Christ, (by grace ye are saved;)

        The “WORK of GOD” is that we should believe on Him …

        It is HIS work …and we are born again through the finished work of Christ and then there are works that GOD has already FORE ORDAINED that we should WALK IN them.

        Those things we are to do are what HE HAS already DONE…not ‘new works’ which man puts in place of what GOD has told us to read …and live in .

        Eph 2:10 For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works, which God hath before ordained that we should walk in them.

        Jhn 6:63 It is the spirit that quickeneth; the flesh profiteth nothing: the words that I speak unto you, they are spirit, and they are life.

        HIS WORDS ARE SPIRIT….and they are life.

        Outside the flock there are many who also offer ‘alternative’ doctrines to draw some away to live by false doctrines until their lives are expired….and their ‘dust’ returns to dust of the ground from which the body was taken,

        The new life in Christ begins upon our new birth but it effects our lives lived here in our bodies …our ‘dust’ ….in how we live out our days …. only to the extent that we follow the instructions of Jesus Christ as is recorded for us to KNOW all things that pertain to life and godliness thereafter.

        The scriptures state that out unrenewed minds are at emnity against God and His WORD.

        The devil seeks to consume all of a persons lifetime by way of either detering him from believing the Word …[darkening the minds of those that believed not] or hindering the believer from learning the things God has foreordained for us to study and trust in .

        Eph 4:22 That ye put off concerning the former conversation the old man, which is corrupt according to the deceitful lusts;

        23 And be renewed in the spirit of your mind;

        Rom 12:2 And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.

        In the length of it …all kinds of impressions we have had about love and marriage have mostly been formed in our minds growing up if we had not been taught what GOD has laid out for us to KNOW …so that we might know what we are dealing with …within our own minds which have been collecting ideas and perspectives all throughout our lives…when we came to Christ and received our new life …being born of “incorruptible seed which is the WORD of GOD ” which we HEARD and RECEIVED …and believed …

        We then had the ability and the availability to learn and to be taught by His Spirit in the inner man what is true and what is false.

        It has been a ‘battle’ since then to overcome the lies and the things we have always thought were ‘true’ by way of the TRUTH which we find in scripture.

        The god of this age has kept on a long war waged against man learning the truth found in the Bible …because if eat person ‘eats the word’ and digests it by way of asking the Lord to teach and guide him …he will be made FREE …from the ‘law of sin and death ‘ which works in the carnal mind …..A born again person is a NEW CREATION …a NEW Creature and thus as a new born babe must desire the sincere milk of the Word and grow thereby.

        Jhn 16:13 Howbeit when he, the Spirit of truth, is come, he will guide you into all truth: for he shall not speak of himself; but whatsoever he shall hear, that shall he speak: and he will shew you things to come.

        Rom 8:2 For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus hath made me free from the law of sin and death.

        The many pulpits of today’s churches have gone aside after false doctrines which are systematically turning them from the scriptures

        Filling up on the ‘junk food’ of traditions of men and sciences falsely so called and many are weak and immature because they have been led to believe they don’t need to read the scriptures …or that they ‘can’t ‘ because only specially enabled people are going to be able to teach them…..following after gnostic experiences and a variety of ‘spiritual’ practices that lead to further darkened minds and destroyed lives.

        It is called the ‘mystery of iniquity’ …one definition of