Question of the Week: May 4th – 10th


If you reconciled after an affair, what were the clues that you saw that your Disloyal Spouse had really changed?  

If you did not reconcile after infidelity, what did you see that indicated your Disloyal Spouse was not about to change?

4 thoughts on “Question of the Week: May 4th – 10th

  1. Great question Cindy,

    After seven years of trying to understand what to do with the information revealed on D Day ….and what action to take according to the scriptural protocol I think I have come to some ideas about this situation. Altogether I have spent some 46 years of my adult life trying to learn what the Bible said about various issues and how I should proceed in following after my Lord and Savior. I must say I think I have been a slow learner.

    Indeed I did not realize when I began my walk of faith after Him how much the church itself was in need of scriptural reproof and correction in many areas due to what I am come to believe are all ‘points” which are spoken of in scripture as end of the age hints that we must take heed to .

    So much to examine in my thinking and measure it by the measure of scripture and learn God’s definitions which HE has provided within the context of the whole counsel of scripture.

    One of the things that I have some to see with sadness is that those who are skillful in carrying out and carrying on deceit may do more damage than those who have an addiction to some substance which is overtly known.

    Such as those who Jesus said were ‘whited sepulchers” defiling the unwitting who trusted them.

    There was a time when part of what a father was to do in his jurisdiction of fatherhood was to not only demonstrate righteousness and wisdom but also to protect his wife and family from his own flesh…

    Young men interested in his daughters could expect to be examined by the father and those who tried to circumnavigate this vetting would not be suitable anyway.

    For me …since my husband had the task of trying to figure out how to be ‘there’ for the children he and the OW had yet to be in a ‘no contact’ condition for the sake of his becoming ‘ready’ to walk rightly …the decisions became muddied due to his not being aware that his EMOTIONS were not useful to making a sound biblically based plan.

    In Matthew five we learn that there are some conditions of the heart and mind that will be conducive to a person being in a condition whereby he may ‘receive the engrafted word of GOD with MEEKNESS” ….in order to seek and find and then make use of the wisdom of the WORD .

    Those who have been in long terms sinful and willful choices …living in and practicing deceit are not equipped nor do they desire to be …transparent.

    The Word tells us that we must become not just willing but ‘hungering and thirsting ‘ to learn what GOD has offered and how to live accordingly.

    My husband did not wish to order his life by the protocols of the scripture …His desire to live rightly by the word was truncated by his desire to fit in among those who he worked with….and to get ahead in his career.

    God and his god loving wife did not fit in and so he took the side of those who rejected God and criticized his wife.

    So after D Day he did not demonstrate any more than a ‘worldly sorrow’ ..more for somehow letting me and our children SEE that he was sorry about the pain he caused…the losses to us …which he has not seen personally as anything as long as he keeps on living the way he has decided is best …>FOR HIM.

    He has not wanted to learn anything and apply it to his own life. It is relativism in practice and in real time ..daily.

    He rejected having anyone to account to …ever….and he has rejected the Godly order of how his life was to be God first …then his wife…then his family …believers and at the last anyone outside the body of Christ.

    His attitude was not hungry or thirsty for godly wisdom but earthly thrills and gain to consume whatever he could gain for himself FIRST which placed everyone and once in adultery the OP ahead of us all.

    HE reasoned that he was entitled to do whatever HE thought was ‘good ‘ based upon what he wanted and what humanists approved of as being a ‘good person’ even in neglect of his own wife and family.

    What evidence have I seen that he is willing to really own the damage and put his shoulder to the wheel of repentant change? None so far.

    He continued to lie, in that while ‘working ‘ on the marriage he went behind my back to engage the children of the OW …something I felt he needed to do at some point but I had hoped he would address his own need to get straight with the Lord and me …to develop strength and knowledge of what to do rightly.

    He did not inform me of his intentions but for two years lied to me again and stole …being he gave more money to the OW than agreed upon ….I did agree to support the kids.

    He refused any accountability and did not see truthfulness and transparency as a necessity.

    He basically could not ‘take ‘ being around the pain and destruction he caused and did not think or want to learn how to make any progress to help through it .

    He finally did what he said he had ‘always wanted …a separate life’ ….and moved out to a location none of us have been to where he is house-sitting for a man he answered an ad to .

    I know where it is but I am not about to check up on this man

    He has told me that he is not coming home …and does not know what he is going to do.

    He sees the Other children several times a week , sees our daughters once if that …and he DOES pay the bills but struggles with the budget as the whole thing hit at the same time the economy tanked.

    I see in the Word that the Lord will provide for me and our daughters in the needs we have but in the jurisdiction of a father’s protection and provision for his children in areas of being THERE and being active in their lives,…he can do neither for the OC and is not thinking it necessary for our children …but a father ‘s responsibilities go on throughout the adult daughters lives until they marry….and that does not look like it will happen any time soon.

    One daughter is now 30 and the other 23….tick tock…but how do they learn how to trust a man after their father has proven to be the ‘model’ husband and father YET totally crushed our confidence in trusting any man who appears to be trustworthy! So good was his deceit …so skilled and charming was his daily facade!

    We have modeled ourselves after the biblical model and no dating …hoping in courtship but the constant moving and uprooting for his career has left us without an extended network of lengthy relationships with his family and mine …and upon moving to a new state and city …we had D DAY ….making new connections is very difficult when this is something you are trying to deal with.

    My daughters are lovely , godly and beautiful but it is hard for them to want to have anyone close to them , to learn about this …as well as being able to trust even ‘christian’ young men ….the world is indeed a foreign place for us .

    I look upon this walk as ‘first do not harm’ in terms of being in relationships in our new church fellowship …relating from a serving point of view and sharing carefully what I may of what I have learned as I have been studying the scriptures in order to be equipped for serving …and sharing the various corrections I have had throughout ….including this latest trial without loading on someone else my own pain .

    It is useful to give counsel and share overcoming wisdom that is learned this way …but it is still lonely …I do not believe in divorce …I do believe in God’s ability to heal and deal with my marriage and with my husband …but in the meantime …learning to overcome the things which are presently going on is like getting a PHD …piled higher and deeper ‘ in terms of the fall out of this lengthy reality.

    There too is one of the damaging effects of my husbands coercive lifestyle…it has created a whole lifetime of a false reality for me and our family …14 years he did this

    He claims he was ‘able’ to because of ‘compartmentalization’

    That too is a heinous excuse for GOd has called us to be ONE …and to be one with HIM …through Jesus Christ …my husband once claimed Christ and served in the fellowship….but the world , the flesh and the devil moved his heart away

    Today he does not look me in the eye nor talk with me but only goes to our youngest daughter to communicate. The way I see it is that he is only comfortable relating to those who are vulnerable to be deceived…plying them with goodies… ‘

    I see two terrible outcomes of this …first they will grow old enough to learn what kind of man he is and believe , like their mom ..the OW that whatever they have to do to get something …money , toys ,…is fine. ..because they “have to”…Even going the way the OW and my husband did …overt sin in sex for money …sex for fun….sex for power…

    OR they “MIGHT” be turned to the Lord and sadly have to know that the man they trusted to be a good man ..their father who appeared to be so …is nothing of the kind.

    I know that we sinners and come short of the standard of the Lord but as we come to Him we are to desire to avoid sinning and to want to learn to live rightly according to His standard.

    My husband is still living by his own ‘god’ …his own intellect and his own agenda for HIMSELF …to feel like he has made amends but only by his own measure….The pain and loss of the years Since D DAY indicate he is not sorry in truth …but still seeking to do whatever he wants and to gain more freedom from accountability

    Roman’s 1 is so clear in this ..those that do not like to retain the knowledge of GOD in their thinking will be moved to have a mind devoid of the ability to make righteous decisions, .

    When every man does what is right in his own eyes …and iniquity abounds then the love of many grows cold…and they do what ‘seemeth right’ which ends in death.

    My husband either will judge himself by the judgement which is the Lord’s found in His word…OR he will await the final judgment which no man will deny that Jesus is LORD.

    My husband knows what the word says about all things yet he believes he does not have to take heed to it…He is practicing doing what he ‘can’ but in truth he is only doing what he ‘wills’ which is against the truth.

    He has abandoned GOD and the Lord and so is abandoned his jurisdiction which GOD provided for man for blessing ..>! Thus no ‘good’ he does will ‘count’ in terms of his being in the place where GOD is providing the answers and blessings he so needs to repent and live rightly

    We all are enduring the continued experience of being rejected by the very man who bound himself to love us and serve the Lord

    The godly ORDER for him to be returned to our marriage and family is this

    Mat 6:33 But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.

    Until then …he is fighting against the Lord in all areas of what he feels he is responsible for, including his own soul and life.

    Resists the truth
    Minimizing the damage to us all
    Refuses accountability to anyone
    Withholding contact and information with me
    Continues to build a false front with others …including the children of Adultery.
    Strives to take care of number one [gym] while offloading all physical work onto me and our daughters which are too heavy for us .
    Refusal of any effort to rebuild any relationship with me

    As for me I am trying to continue in my trusting the Lord with what I have not been able to impact my husband ….and to grow in all that I am able to continue to follow what Jesus teaches me as His child.

    Considering these things….

    Psalm 31
    King James Version (KJV)

    31 In thee, O Lord, do I put my trust; let me never be ashamed: deliver me in thy righteousness.

    2 Bow down thine ear to me; deliver me speedily: be thou my strong rock, for an house of defense to save me.

    3 For thou art my rock and my fortress; therefore for thy name’s sake lead me, and guide me.

    4 Pull me out of the net that they have laid privily for me: for thou art my strength.

    5 Into thine hand I commit my spirit: thou hast redeemed me, O Lord God of truth.

    6 I have hated them that regard lying vanities: but I trust in the Lord.

    7 I will be glad and rejoice in thy mercy: for thou hast considered my trouble; thou hast known my soul in adversities;

    8 And hast not shut me up into the hand of the enemy: thou hast set my feet in a large room.

    9 Have mercy upon me, O Lord, for I am in trouble: mine eye is consumed with grief, yea, my soul and my belly.

    10 For my life is spent with grief, and my years with sighing: my strength faileth because of mine iniquity, and my bones are consumed.

    11 I was a reproach among all mine enemies, but especially among my neighbors, and a fear to mine acquaintance: they that did see me without fled from me.

    12 I am forgotten as a dead man out of mind: I am like a broken vessel.

    13 For I have heard the slander of many: fear was on every side: while they took counsel together against me, they devised to take away my life.

    14 But I trusted in thee, O Lord: I said, Thou art my God.

    15 My times are in thy hand: deliver me from the hand of mine enemies, and from them that persecute me.

    16 Make thy face to shine upon thy servant: save me for thy mercies’ sake.

    17 Let me not be ashamed, O Lord; for I have called upon thee: let the wicked be ashamed, and let them be silent in the grave.

    18 Let the lying lips be put to silence; which speak grievous things proudly and contemptuously against the righteous.

    19 Oh how great is thy goodness, which thou hast laid up for them that fear thee; which thou hast wrought for them that trust in thee before the sons of men!

    20 Thou shalt hide them in the secret of thy presence from the pride of man: thou shalt keep them secretly in a pavilion from the strife of tongues.

    21 Blessed be the Lord: for he hath shewed me his marvelous kindness in a strong city.

    22 For I said in my haste, I am cut off from before thine eyes: nevertheless thou heardest the voice of my supplications when I cried unto thee.

    23 O love the Lord, all ye his saints: for the Lord preserveth the faithful, and plentifully rewardeth the proud doer.

    24 Be of good courage, and he shall strengthen your heart, all ye that hope in the Lord.

  2. Change isn’t immediate it’s gradual. My husband was dealing with a loss of job, shame, loss of integrity, family , friends etc…. He wasn’t able to show me much change in the beginning. It took 8 months after for real change to take place. I saw little changes taking place but wasn’t in a place to trust those changes but I trusted God. I trusted his word that says, all things work for good to those who love God and are called according to his purpose. I believed that God would turn this around, turn him around. There were times I thought why do I have to have grace and mercy and wait for him when I was the one who got damaged but i did it because God told me to trust him. My husband had to go through his own grieving process before he could become my healer and after about 8 months we read the book How to help your spouse heal from your affair by Linda McDonald and it totally turned him around. It was when he said to me, I’ve done it all wrong (referring to how he handled things after the affair) that I knew that we were going to make it and I knew that he was changing and even today he changes a little more and more each day, we change together. We will always be in a state of change now til the day we die.

  3. Huperacho: To rise above

    What a lovely and encouraging exhortation…Thank you! I am continuing to practice this ongoing awareness that GOD is at work …in both of us ….and after all Marriage is HIS creation and He will bring all of His purposes to pass , we just need to stay IN those ….thank you and may God continue to bless you and your husband as you go on to victory!

  4. The affair ended immediately. We did therapy. Went back to church. Although with that being said, I don’t know if all that has truly helped ME get past what he did. I keep thinking…what’s it going to take for him to do, to get me over this? Maybe I never will no matter what he does.

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