Have you been able to forgive your Disloyal Spouse? If so, how did you do it? If not, what is stopping you?
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Have you been able to forgive your Disloyal Spouse? If so, how did you do it? If not, what is stopping you?
AFFAIRCARE 
By the grace of God I have been able to forgive him. It started with the choice to forgive regardless of what I was feeling. Unforgiveness is poison to one’s spirit, and I did not want that bitterness to affect me any longer. Forgiveness was a choice that I made not because I condone what was done, but because I chose to leave the consequences in the hands of the just God that I serve. Once I made the choice to forgive and to commit to rebuild the marriage, God miraculously took the anger away. I was hurt, sure. I still am. But God gave me the ability to overcome evil with good. I even wrote a book about it that I hope will bring encouragement to others dealing with the devastation of infidelity.
jaylinpalacio,
What is the name of your book?
Thanks,
Paul
What a great thread! I appreciate all of the insight here. The title of my book will be He Will Never Leave You. The book cover is currently being designed, and it is almost ready for publishing. I will keep you posted.
can you help me do the same,i hurt so bad.sometimes I even hate him!!!
I work daily on forgiveness . I find the lies and the I don’t remembers and the oldest one you just don’t know they aren’t like that(prostitutes sell their talents cheaply whores either give it away including diseases) hmm if it talks its lying if it cheats its a cheater if it refuses to accept it is wrong it is still WRONG. I find it impossible to forgive what I know is not the truth (which by the way I am doing the 180 ) all the words he changed the meaning of I no longer trust I love you. The more time passes the less I feel this is ever been a good marriage. I forgive myself for trusting the man I love ,the man I married, the father of our children , the cruel heartless low man who cheated himself out of our love hmm I probably need to work on the last one a bit ;D. I have forgiven this man for 32 years . The last 3 of deliberate cruelty to push me away so he wouldn’t look like the bad guy he chose to be this gives me a bad time too. Some days I so want to just get in my car and leave to where I can have friends(not the kind my husband likes to cheat with)is there one? hmm rethinking hmm maybe a female dog will be my best friend ! )
I find reading the above admirable and I am sure that book will be a best seller these days. I have forgiven and do forgive my husband seventy times seven…that is repeatedly . It is difficult since he has left our home and has indicated he is capable to do what is called for but continues to do otherwise. He tends the children of his adultery but is AWOL in terms of our marriage vows. This hurts at some point EVERY day as we have been married over 33 years and still are but he has chosen to keep on doing whatever he feels like .
Stopping adultery is NOT the only sinful thing one should do when admitting this sin…there are continuing ‘companion sins’ which include , lying, stealing, neglect and basically ignoring all of what is required of someone to repent.
Scripture does call upon those betrayed to forgive and to pray for those who are ‘enemies’ and perscute us as we continue to follow and obey our Lord. We do indeed not need to become weighed down with unforgiveness and bitterness which will open a door for the adversary to vex us and confuse our walk as we follow after the Lord and continue in His word as He told us wherein we will be HIS disciples INDEED.
It is hard to understand how anyone can walk out on there spouse when there is really NO good reason for it but then the father of lie who is the devil has only to gain an opening into a person’s mind and he will use it to insert all kinds of things . As believers we are told by the Lord to keep our mind RENEWED and FILLED with His Word which is HIS SPIRIT and is LIFE.
We are told to ‘submit to God ‘ and resist the devil and he will flee from us ‘ …thus when we are thinking God ‘s word we WILL be resisting since you cannot think two thoughts at the same time.
This mental struggle is ours to win as we obey this command …to KEEP the WORDS of GOD ..to KEEP HIS commandments …and we will not walk after the flesh.
The wayward spouse is captive by thoughts they THINK oare their own but those come from somewhere …someONE who is NOT GOD and they don’t know the difference UNTIL they repent and go about following the Lord and what HE tells us in His WORD .
They “know NOT what SPIRIT they are OF ” …the scriptures tells us that ‘there is a way that seemeth right unto a man but that way ends in DEATH”
Praying for our wayward spouse is right. It may not bring about what WE want or in the timing we want but their SOUL is at stake.
We as believer and followers of the Lord need to pray for them…We do not have to like it …God’s love is not like man’s love …it is LOVE that is evidenced in active obedience to the Word of GOD
We are not to fellowship with the unfruitful works of darkness but we are to pray for our ‘enemies ‘ how much more for the spouse we have loved for a length of our marriage …as Christ has loved us we also may love with the things of GOD and when possible give that word that they might recover themselves out of the snare ….keeping in meekness lest we stumble ourselves .
Luk 17:3 Take heed to yourselves: If thy brother trespass against thee, rebuke him; and if he repent, forgive him.
Luk 17:4 And if he trespass against thee seven times in a day, and seven times in a day turn again to thee, saying, I repent; thou shalt forgive him.
Gal 6:1 Brethren, if a man be overtaken in a fault, ye which are spiritual, restore such an one in the spirit of meekness; considering thyself, lest thou also be tempted.
As long as my dear husband continues to abandon his covenant marriage he is STILL in willful sin since the marriage covenant is the husband’s FIRST JURISDICTION and responsibility.
The other efforts he makes toward all others is still a violation that he will not confess nor heed.
Thus he is still in danger of more consequences and puts others at risk as his stubborn willful rebellion hinders the work that would bring about healing and reconciliation. His continuing ..even though he may not be committing adultery is still rebellion and as scripture says it is ‘as the sin of witchcraft’ ….aka it darkens the mind and hardens the heart.. Thus prayer is called for by those who know the Lord for those who are in this state.
Lip service in those who do not DO the will of the Lord is not useful toward their own redemptive necessity to repent.
Im not sure forgiveness is the goal anyway. Why would it be? I like the Janis Spring book “how can I forgive you” where she says how unfair that that’s yet another burden on the betrayed spouse. That acceptance is a viable alternative. I’m not at acceptance yet but I expect I will be. Acceptance lets you live in the moment again I guess. But it isn’t forgiveness. I have no particular investment in forgiveness.
I loved this because truly in order to move forward and to heal we do have to truly forgive and like Lovey said “Seven times Seventy”. I have really struggled with forgiveness, I think I have and then old wounds surface. My husband actually divorced me for the OW and then 2 months after our divorce was final he came back asking for forgiveness and to give him another chance. I know people have looked at me like I’m crazy for going back but how do we expect our Lord and Savior to forgive us for our sins if we cannot forgive others? It’s definitely something I have to work at daily and I have to remind myself that God doesn’t go back and remind me of my past sins, He loves me here and now, regardless of what I did in the past and I have to do the same with my ex-husband. It truly releases YOU when you forgive someone else, un-forgiveness is like a cancer, it will grow and grow but we have the option to LET GO and LET GOD for Him to allow us to move forward into the victory He has for us! Even if my ex-husband had never returned I would still seek forgiving him and the OW because the un-forgiveness I had in my heart was only harming ME, not them. Forgiveness has to be something practiced on a daily basis, the more you do it, the easier it becomes. Like a garden, feed it water it and it will grow into something beautiful! I also would love the name of your book jaylinpalacio!
My wife and I have been reconciled just over three years now. Her affair went as far as separation and she filed for divorce. I praise Jesus for all he has done to change me and to restore our marriage.
Matthew 6:14-15 reads this way; “For if you forgive people their wrongdoing, your heavenly Father will forgive you as well. But if you don’t forgive people, your Father will not forgive your wrongdoing.”
I learned that very simply the act of forgiving someone is not for the receiver it is for YOU as the forgiver. By making the choice to forgive you set your self free of the bondage of anger and hatred. Remaining a slave to these dark thoughts and feelings you will deny yourself the opportunity to truly live. But more importantly you will deny yourself the gift of GRACE, which is the purest expression of God’s love for us. There is no greater gift for any of us to receive. To be loved by an incomprehensible love.
In my journey and process of transformation from co-dependent to independent Jesus showed me how critical is was to turn from my spouse and to seek only His face. This also goes for the act of forgiving – I did it because it he did it and it would bring me closer to the heart of Jesus by making me more whole as He originally intended for me.
I have heard all of these perspectives . The one that makes the most impact is to become DEPENDENT upon the Lord. The scriptures point us to the way we are to live. We are told not to ACT out from anger. There is no command to not be angry because anger is justifiable in the case of sin. God is angry with sin . It is because sin opens one up for more intrusion by the god of this world and more damage to us.
Forgiveness of sin is based upon what Jesus did to take on the wrath due us as those born of Adam , born in the CONDITION of being lost, without God and in the world. We were in a condition we were not aware of . The ‘god of this world ‘ who the Bible tells us is the devil is at work to take as many people with him to Hell as possible.
He does this by way of soliciting us to act upon fleshly ideas, desires, and urges apart from living within the god provided boundaries of his warnings …aka commandments.
Sin is to go against or transgress the law .
We are born prone to obey the law of sin that is in our members …flesh …due to the death that Adam and Eve suffered of their connection with the God who loved them enough to not allow them to remain in the Garden where they might have eaten of the tree of life and remained in subjection to the devil who had lured Adam to disobey the warning /commandment of GOD .
One of the outcomes or consequences of the Fall was Adam ‘s jurisdiction of being the guardian and keeper of the world was transferred to the Devil.
Thus the serpent who was the ‘personification’ of the devil …became the ‘god ‘ of this wolrd’
All flesh and everything here has been under this usurper. Those who come to know the Lord find out the tactics ..one of which is to get man to use his free will to choose to do sin. Sin is whatever is not in accord with God’s will.
The many laws that man added to the moral law of God added to the condition of man thinking he must live by his carnal mind which is prone toward what looks good , feels good and seems good which God has identified as DEADLY.
We do not live by our feelings and succeed in obeying GOD we live by faith which grows as we learn and act upon what GOD has recorded in His Word.
The Bible is the revealed Word of GOD . Holy men of God were moved or inspired by the Holy Spirit and wrote what GOD intended for us to know . Many skeptics today in sheeps clothing will solicit man’s fleshly desire to know God by way of the carnal mind which is enmity to God . They will try to prove by their deceitful hearts which God tells us is desparately wicked that the Bible only ‘contains’ the Word of GOD .
Thus they are in sin and cannot KNOW GOD because to know God requires faith ….which comes by HEARING and hearing BY the WORD of GOD .
This provides not just knowledge but in faith we DO what GOD informs us to do and how to think …we think HIS thoughts and are given wisdom about what He has told us and He also provides us with understanding as we do so.
Forgiveness is not as the world says it is …but they cannot KNOW because they do not know Him or the truths of scripture as they only believe in their own carnal minds and natural ability to know .
Trusting God brings understanding and peace the passes understanding . I also brings offense and division and opposition of the world and those of it .
It is a ‘two edged sword ‘ that divides assunder the thoughts and intentions of the heart and will reveal our areas of need so that we may ask for wisdom as James chapter one tells us . We may not receive if we ask AMISS to consume it upon our lusts.
Obeying the Word is key to living life that functions as God will provide for us in all things.
Life , love and forgiveness as well as all other attributes that man seeks are not defined by the world , the flesh and the devil …but by GOD as He defines terms and uses them throughout the Word .
Marriage is also defined by GOD and given for us to mature in our walk.
The challenges of marriage have been all but eliminated in the world that seeks to pervert the purposes of GOD in all areas of life.
The world has redefined so much of what man’s flesh desires as ‘truth’ in place of the Word and will of GOD and mankind is suffering for the lack of knowledge of what GOD has in store for us and how to live.
Religion is not the truth. God is truth and His Word is given that we might KNOW HIM and the deliverance from our fleshly condition and our spiritual lack.
Spiritual ‘advancement’ by way of fleshly disciplines has taken the place of submitting to the Lord and living by faith in Jesus Christ as our Savior and Lord.
Man being his own ‘lord’ and ‘god’ does all kinds of gyrations to gain some kind of ‘godliness’ while denying the Lord who bought them.
We may be thankful to the Lord as we navigate this lifespan HEEDING HIS Word.
It is true that when we forgive someone their sin against us that we allow God to work out in us what forgiveness is and does . It does not follow that we must continue in any way to affirm someone who continues to ignore and reject the Lord.
We live in the works OF GOD ….our salvation is not the goal if we are IN Christ but our new condition of living ….it results in our desire to please Him as he teaches us from within His Word all things that pertain to LIFE and GODLINESS……His spirit in us helps all of our ‘infirmities’ in terms of what we do not know . AS we are WILLING to be TAUGHT by Him through study and application of His Word we are taught and supplied with all we need to live after Him.
It is HIS WORK …IN those who are willing to submit to HIM
This is not always a smooth transition for us as our own minds ‘wrestle ‘ with thoughts of what pleases US and what is what GOD has told is is TRUE and RIGHT.
People who do not KNOW HIM will not be able to please Him …because it is FAITH that comes from HIM by way of submitting …hearing …the Word that brings one to surrender to His will.
Faith without works is dead….and those who come to GOd must believe that HE IS …and tht He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him.
Many ‘believe IN God…the devils believe and tremble’ those who are His indeed ‘ continue in HIS Word and are His disciples INDEED” ….
When we are wronged …the person has violated not only US and those they have sinned WITH but they have violated their own soul …they are to be PITIED and prayed for their deliverance despite our anger and hurt.
They have sinned against the Lord who bought them with the price of His own blood as he has bought everyone and we are not our own.
To take the body and life of our lifespan and serve the world , the flesh and the devil is harmful in so many overreaching ways to those who do it …and to those they do it with and to the Lord that it is the danger of the soul that they are blinded to .
Thus we may have compassion as we view this sin and other sins that Jesus has paid the price for so that all who trust in Him will not face the wrath to come nor suffer the bondage that sin brings upon us if they will be brought to see sin as SIN and learn what it is and how it defiles and thus works toward the destruction of our soul and our eternal destiny.
Many have been led to not even know what ‘sin’ is nor to have any idea of what ‘hell ‘ is or that it exists. Gnosticism has erased much of the truth in the minds of people within and without the church …turning many to fables and sciences falsely so called.
The offense of the sin of adultery is vast and far reaching in it’s usefulness to steal , kill and destroy man and mankind . It takes up the throne in the heart of a person and the spirit of disobedience and rebellion is as the sin of witchcraft in that it is a ‘jealous’ spirit that is not easily going to ‘let go’ of it’s place upon the throne of the heart. It resists the efforts of fleshly maneuvers to remove it . Techniques of man do nothing to root it out.
Prayer is a huge weapon in the lives of believers and we are often led to think less of it since it is so “hidden ‘ in comparison to other ‘religious’ actions.
The devil likes to have us underestimate the most powerful weapons of warfare that GOD has provided . We must take upon us God’s worldview …that involves study, submission and standing upon what GOD says and not going after what people thing, say or do.
The working of the consensus is a form of compromise that has it’s roots in the dialectic of the Serpent in the Garden that was formalized in a socialized effort to transform society in something Hegal defined as the Dialectic. It is presently at work full steam since the use of education and media became so efficient to distract and deter the minds of man from study and searching out the Lord in the Bible.
Those who follow Him must become more instructed by the Lord through the study of the Word …2 Tim 2:15 and 2 Tim 3:16 and 17…..without which they will fall for various traditions of men and doctrines that do not sustain truth.
To be a true follower of the Lord the ‘daily bread’ that Jesus said that ‘man does not live by bread alone but by EVERY WORD that proceeds out of the mouth of GOD” must be taken seriously. The Word that have come ‘out of the mouth of GOD ” are ‘God breathed’ as 2 Tim 3:16 records.
It is time to get serious about what is going on . God told us many places in scripture that the deciever of mankind would gain a following in the latter days of this age by way of those who stand in His stead posing as ministers of light …but that we are to KNOW those things which HE has written for us to know. This is not going to have a powerful impact upon us without our own study . Our own relationship is not something gained by simply knowing a guy , who knows a guy , who knows a guy…who knows JESUS but by our own study and time with Him
People who have been led away from their marriage vows have been destroyed for lack of knowledge of the Lord and the truth of His Word.
They NEED the Lord and deliverance. The pain we experience being married to them is real and difficult but it does not trump the command that WE who believe have to pray for them …We are to ‘love’ our enemies’ and that is not syrupy love but it is to give the Word to those who hunger and thirst after righteousness from where we have sown it into our hearts …for OUT of the HEART comes the content.
Is our heart still fallow ground? or have we turned it up with the ‘spade’ of the Word as we have believed and kept the weeds of lies out …allowing the incorruptible seed of the Word of GOD to find a fertile soil of a broken and a contrite heart prepared to hear and to heed the Word of GOD unto salvation ..wholeness found only in the Lord Jesus Christ.?
Do we speak what the Word says to ourselves and follow it or do we speak and live out of our emotions which will increase as leaven in our lives and in the lives of those we influence…THIS is a huge deal to GOD and it needs to be to US .
So this exhortation to forgive those who tresspass against us must not be taken lightly or understood in a shallow way but we seek to take this offense as an ‘assignment’ to get into the Word to ask the Lord to equip us for the days to come …not only for our own faith and life going forward but in preparation for whomsoever may come across our path in need.
The WORD is what we are to ‘have so that we may give to those in need’ ….Sharing STUFF is nice and even may be called for but the WORLD can and does do that …the Devil is not going to allow people to suffer need without HIS offering helps …but what people NEED is the Lord so that they may LIVE and in the midst of the trails of Life be equipped to know what they can trust HIM to do.
Many are taken into spiritual-isms and various circuses of spiritual ‘clubs’ that live by display …but not of the things GOD would have as ‘fruit of His spirit’ grown through a life lived after our Lord.
Let us be concerned about doing what HE has said and continuing faithfully to live by HIS Words “which are spirit and are life” according to Jesus …
Well said Lovey. And I would add that “doing what HE has said” and “to live by HIS Words” is not only praying and studying but more importantly it is to take ACTION. Just as God came to earth to provide GRACE so too must we have the courage and strength (IN CHRIST) to go to our spouses even when they may be doing things to hurt us and our marriages. It is the grace of Jesus Christ that transforms hearts. And it is grace (the love of God) that will restore creation.
I had to go to my bible to find my way. I still have my days but as time heals all things. My most hardest thing is how could he just throw me a way so easily, after I stood by him for so many years of brow beating. I forgave him so many times. I hurt more than anything.
Would you be willing to explain this statement , preferably with scripture so I may understand what you are saying here?
“And it is grace (the love of God) that will restore creation.”
Intriguing statement.
Thank you for your comments
Hi Lovey – that statement is my understanding of the total summation of all scripture. To bring Heaven to earth, to restore what has fallen and Jesus Christ as the cornerstone as the embodiment of the Creator God’s love for His creation(s).
I’m afraid a bottom line kinda guy. Always cutting to the chase. Makes my poor wife crazy.
Nothing wrong with the ‘bottom line’ ….or cutting to the chase’ as long as you don’t mind elaborating for us “wordy” verbose types ! …heehee. Thank you for your elucidating!
please keep sending these
Hello! To all of you who have asked about my book, it is now available in Paperback here http://www.lulu.com/shop/jaylin-palacio/he-will-never-leave-you/paperback/product-21682523.html
eBook format here: http://www.lulu.com/shop/jaylin-palacio/he-will-never-leave-you/ebook/product-21685171.html
and Kindle format here: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00L03Z6I2
I am praying that God will use it to encourage people to make the choice to forgive their disloyal spouse.
Almost no one ever discusses when women cheat on their husbands. It seems more common than not. It’s earth shattering whether it’s the man or woman doing the cheating. It damned near killed me and I still struggle with it. She cannot openly discuss it with me. There are our children to consider also. I pray and my motivation for forgiveness is that I can only expect the forgiveness from GOD for my sins by showing forgiving others. That doesn’t mean the hurt goes away though.
i am trying to get there too,the forgiveness part,it is sooooo hard! but we have to bare the pain,and it seems to never let up,there is something always to remind you of the cheating,but what else can we do,we have to pull the strength from within.