Recovering After an Affair: Commitment [Podcast]

You’ve found evidence that proves there is an affair. You’ve done all the steps to end the affair, and now you and your disloyal spouse have made the decision to try to reconcile. WHAT DO YOU DO!!!???

Today we continue the final week of our Basic Concepts series: Recovering After an Affair. In today’s episode we discuss the first thing you truly need to understand to begin recovering–commitment.

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kPOg-Mj44og&feature=youtu.be]

The verse that Affaircare is built upon is all about commitment: “…Whatever your lips utter you must be sure to do, because you made your vow freely to the LORD your God with your own mouth…” – Deuteronomy 23:23

We believe that commitment is an intellectual exercise and not a feeling–just like love. It starts with a conscious decision you make. You decide to take a particular course of action over and against some other course of action because you are obligated. For example in the marriage commitment, you make a vow to choose a loving course of action toward your spouse for life.

Now usually you choose to marry someone because they make you happy. You are pursuing happiness and being with him or her makes you happy. The two paths of “happiness” and “being with them” seem to run parallel or are merged into one path! But what happens when the paths diverge and go in different directions?

Troubles occur when the commitment to happiness is prioritized above the commitment to the marriage. This is exactly the thing that often leads couples down the path to infidelity: when one partner is looking and looking for “what makes them happy” and their marriage is in a rut so it doesn’t “make them feel happy.” They allow their emotions to guide their decisions… “it FEELS good so I’m doing this…” rather than choosing to create happiness in their marriage or choosing to look for the happy things they do have within their marriage.

Our new program, “90 Days to Save Your Marriage and Save You” will teach you and how your spouse how to recover after infidelity. We will be focusing on Commitment and discussing what TRUE commitment is (we have it almost exactly backward), how to get the two paths of commitment to marriage and happiness to come back together again, and how to make PRO-active choices rather than RE-active decisions. To introduce our new program, we are reviewing our Basic Concepts all month!  Request more info about our new program HERE!!

[audio: https://s3.amazonaws.com/affaircare-podcast/Commitment.mp3]

Recovering After an Affair: Pre-Reconcilliation [Podcast]

You’ve found evidence that proves there is an affair. You’ve done all the steps to end the affair, and now you and your disloyal spouse have made the decision to try to reconcile.  WHAT DO YOU DO!!!???

Today we begin the final week of our Basic Concepts series: Recovering After an Affair.  There are specific steps you can take to slowly, one-step upon the previous, build a whole new, healthy marriage.  There is no guarantee your marriage will recover, but these steps will give you the best opportunity to recover after the affair ends.

In today’s episode we discuss the things that need to be in place BEFORE you can even begin reconciling:

1) No Contact with the Affair Partner
2) Transparent Honesty
3) Agreement by BOTH spouses to work on yourself and the marriage.

Use the Sample No-Contact Letters that you can find here: http://affaircare.com/articles/sample-consequences-letters/

Our new program, “90 Days to Save Your Marriage and Save You” will teach you and how your spouse how to recover after infidelity. To introduce our new program, I’m reviewing our Basic Concepts all month!

 

[audio: https://s3.amazonaws.com/affaircare-podcast/PreReconcilliation.mp3]

Steps to End an Affair: Consequences – Legal Separation [Podcast]

You’ve found evidence that proves there is an affair. You’ve confronted your spouse, disclosed it to a trusted mentor, and exposed the affair. You’ve dangled the tempting carrot and applied the stick….NOW what should you do?

Today we are finishing the Steps to End an Affair portion of our Basic Concepts. There are specific steps you can take if you have reason to believe your spouse may be unfaithful. There is no guarantee your marriage will recover, but these steps will give you the best opportunity to recover after the affair ends.

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lmDMmbU5TJg&feature=youtu.be]

In today’s episode we discuss the Consequences Phase and the last option: Legal Separation. Use the Sample Consequences Letters that you can find here: http://affaircare.com/articles/sample-consequences-letters/ and end all contact with your disloyal spouse as long as they continue their affair. Let them have a good taste of what the cost of divorce will be and what it will be like to not have you in their life. Also, don’t give them the opportunity to blame you for their own choices and thus deflect responsibility. If they STILL harden their heart and will not end the affair, the best you can do is protect the marital assets and the marital home legally and try to wait it out. Make sure that a court of law enforces things like supporting the children and visitation and custody so that you are not “the bad guy.” There’s still hope, and time is on your side if you can be patient.

Our new program, “90 Days to Save Your Marriage and Save You” will teach you and how your spouse how to recover after infidelity. To introduce our new program, I’m reviewing our Basic Concepts all month!

 

[audio: https://s3.amazonaws.com/affaircare-podcast/Consequences-LegalSeparation.mp4]

Steps to End an Affair: Carrot and Stick [Podcast]

You’ve found evidence that proves there is an affair. You’ve confronted your spouse, disclosed it to a trusted mentor, and exposed the affair… NOW what should you do?

Today we are continuing the new portion of our Basic Concepts: Steps to End an Affair. There are specific steps you can take if you have reason to believe your spouse may be unfaithful. There is no guarantee your marriage will recover, but these steps will give you the best opportunity to recover after the affair ends.

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_HJm5GYxexA&feature=youtu.be]

In today’s episode we discuss the Carrot and Stick Phase. Using Matt. 7:1-5 and II Tim 3:16 as our biblical foundations, we suggest that the loyal spouse establish a period of time during which they dangle ‘The Carrot’ of looking at the log in their own eye and working on themselves. Stop doing Love Extinguishers and start doing Love Kindlers to demonstrate you are the MORAL alternative to the affair partner. At the same time, during this established period of time, the loyal spouse would also apply ‘The Stick’ of stepping out of the way and allowing the disloyal spouse to experience the NATURAL consequences of their choice to continue committing adultery. It’s not our job to punish, but it is our job to step out of God’s way and stop covering up and enabling the affair.

Our new program, “90 Days to Save Your Marriage and Save You” will teach you and how your spouse how to recover after infidelity. To introduce our new program, I’m reviewing our Basic Concepts all month!

[audio: https://s3.amazonaws.com/affaircare-podcast/Carrot-and-Stick.mp4]

Steps to End an Affair: Confront-Disclose-Expose [Podcast]

Things have not been right between you and your spouse and your gut instinct is that something is going on . You gathered evidence that proves to you that there is an affair… What should you do?

Today we are continuing the new portion of our Basic Concepts: Steps to End an Affair. There are specific steps you can take if you have reason to believe your spouse may be unfaithful. There is no guarantee your marriage will recover, but these steps will give you the best opportunity to recover after the affair ends.

After gathering evidence, it’s time to confront your spouse and get the help you need by refusing to keep their affair a secret.

In today’s episode we discuss the next three steps: Confront-Disclose-Expose. Using Matthew 18: 15-17 as our guide, we discuss Confronting your spouse directly, letting them know that you know, and asking them point blank to stop the affair. If they refuse, we explain about Disclosing the affair to one or two trusted mentors in your spouse’s life who will tell them to stop committing adultery and return to their marriage! If they still harden their heart and will not stop the affair, the next step to kill the affair is to Expose it to those who will be affected if there is a divorce: your family, your spouse’s family, your employer and if it’s a work affair, your spouse’s employer, your pastor or minister, your life-long friends and your spouse’s life-long friends.

Exposure is one of the most misunderstood steps in ending an affair, and yet it is one of the strongest steps you can take, so give your marriage the best chance of survival and listen in!

Our new program, “90 Days to Save Your Marriage and Save You” will teach you and how your spouse how to recover after infidelity. To introduce our new program, I’m reviewing our Basic Concepts all month!

 

[audio: https://s3.amazonaws.com/affaircare-podcast/Confront-Disclose-Expose.mp4]

Steps to End an Affair: Gather Evidence [Podcast]

You’ve suspected for a while that something is not right between you and your spouse. Whatever the reasons, you had a sneaking suspicion that they may be having an affair… What should you do?

Today we are starting a new portion of our Basic Concepts: Steps to End an Affair. There are specific steps you can take if you have reason to believe your spouse may be unfaithful. There is no guarantee your marriage will recover, but these steps will give you the best opportunity to recover after the affair ends.

In today’s episode we discuss the first step: Gathering Evidence. After all you want to know the truth, no matter what that may be, so you can face it head on. You want to know if you’re just acting jealously or if there really is something going on! And in this episode we discuss both high-tech and low-tech options for investigating and finding out the truth!

Our new program, “90 Days to Save Your Marriage and Save You” will teach you and how your spouse how to recover after infidelity. To introduce our new program, I’m reviewing our Basic Concepts all month!

 

[audio: https://s3.amazonaws.com/affaircare-podcast/Gather-Evidence.mp4]

Think the Grass is Greener… ?

This is utterly out of order with our series and all, but I just heard this song from Montgomery Gentry today, and WHEW it hit home, so I thought I’d share it:

“A Man’s Job”

It tore me up to sign them papers that set you free
Then seeing your boy toy strap my baby’s in them car seats
Made me wanna knock the dust off that piecemaker
And go out with a bang
But I didn’t

I can’t believe you’re calling me looking for advice
Guess Mr Head of the household ain’t home again tonight
I won’t say I told ya so, but I told you so
When you’re wrong you’re wrong this time

You wanted someone younger and you got him
You had a need to feed a hunger and you did
You let that fear of getting older overcome ya
And now it’s like you’re raising one more kid

You were right when you said he’s everything I’m not
But did you really think he’d always be around
To rock that cradle that ya robbed
Girl, you can’t expect a boy to do a man’s job

Has that match made in heaven burned out and gone to hell
If he ain’t working how’s he paying for that pimped out Chevelle
Is that child support I worked for supporting his lazy ass as well

You wanted someone younger and you got him
You had a need to feed a hunger and you did
You let that fear of getting older overcome ya
And now it’s like you’re raising one more kid

You were right when you said he’s everything I’m not
But did you really think he’d always be around
To rock that cradle that ya robbed
Girl, you can’t expect a boy to do a man’s job
Did you really think he’d always be around
To rock that cradle that ya robbed
Girl, you can’t expect that boy to do a man’s job

Love Extinguisher #5, 6 & 7–The Final Three Neglects [Podcast]

Are you still a ‘Mama’s Boy” -or- do you still run to your Mommy every time you and your husband have a disagreement? Do act like you’re single and make decisions without considering your spouse? Do you “go for the jugular” during a disagreement and use words to just lay waste to your spouse?

Our new program, “90 Days to Save Your Marriage and Save You” will teach you and how your spouse how to recover after infidelity. To introduce our new program, I’m reviewing our Basic Concepts all month!

This episode we are talking about the final three Love Extinguishers: Family Neglect, Social Neglect, and Security Neglect. Family Neglect is Love Extinguisher where we neglect the family formed with our spouse by clinging to our family of origin, by not making time for your spouse or for sharing chores equitably, or by getting too comfortable and giving up. Social Neglect action that puts out the flame of love by neglecting our spouse’s social welfare. Some examples might be behaving in an irritating and impolite way to our spouse, making decisions as if we are single and not married, or excluding our spouse from your fun. Security Neglect is the Love Extinguisher that neglects our spouse’s emotional, mental and physical welfare–keeping them safe! Typical Security Neglect behaviors are angry outbursts, being an attack dog, being passive aggressive or being physically abusive.

We have a LOT of ground to cover in this video, so let’s get started!

 

~Cindy

 

[audio: https://s3.amazonaws.com/affaircare-podcast/Final-Three-Extinguishers.mp4]

Love Extinguisher #4 Financial Neglect [Podcast]

Have you been unemployed and you’re not even trying to find work? Are you hiding debt from your spouse?

Our new program, “90 Days to Save Your Marriage and Save You” will teach you and how your spouse how to recover after infidelity. To introduce our new program, I’m reviewing our Basic Concepts all month!

This week we are talking about the Love Extinguishers, and this video is all about Love Kindler #4 Financial Neglect. This extinguisher is about the ways we neglect our spouse’s financial welfare by refusing to contribute financially to the marriage, by overspending and not living within our means, by being unwilling or unable to live by a budget, by hiding debt from our spouse or by having legal financial trouble that tears the marriage apart.

 

~Cindy

 

[audio: https://s3.amazonaws.com/affaircare-podcast/Financial-Neglect.mp4]

The Best Way to Ease the Pain of Infidelity

Welcome to a new feature here at Affaircare: The Sunday Guest Spotlight.  Today I would like to introduce Jaylin Palacio. She has a Christian ministry called Encouragement from the Word of God. Jaylin shares her own marriage story:

After I found out that my husband of 20 years was having an affair, I could no longer function.  I stayed in the fetal position staring at the wall, crushed under the weight of this news with no desire to go on living.  The ache in my heart was so intense I could tangibly feel pain in my chest.

In the months that followed, though going through the motions of my day-to-day life, the heaviness of my emotional pain left me weary.  The only time I experienced relief from this pain was in the presence of God.  At first, I couldn’t even pray.  I struggled to formulate the words.  Many times I would just play worship music and cry.  The only words I could get out were, “Help…me.”

Marital infidelity causes a vast amount of destruction.  The pain of adultery can last for years, and the healing journey is not an easy one.  However, there is good news: it is possible to rebuild what was destroyed after there has been unfaithfulness.

There are predictable stages of grief that people experience once they find out their spouse is having an affair.  The first is shock and disbelief, followed by a period of unpredictable emotional ups and downs.  It can make you feel like you are losing touch with reality.  This is not the time to make any major decisions.  Questions such as, “Should I file for divorce?” and “What can I do to get my spouse to come home?”  should be put on the shelf while you wait for your emotions to level out.  Waiting can be very difficult when we feel as if we need to make a move, but major decisions made out of emotion can make a bad situation worse.

So what should the betrayed spouse do while they are waiting?  Some healthy ways to cope during this period are:

1. Start a journal. Identify what you are feeling and write it down.  This is just for your insight and reflection.  Use the journal as an outlet for what you are feeling, and then find other ways to stay busy.
2. Eat nutritious meals. Plan small meals that consist of nutritious food, and make yourself eat.  Resist the temptation to skip meals or to eat unhealthy food as that will only make the emotional pain worse.
3. Exercise. Cardiovascular exercise is an excellent way to release anger and increase endorphins.  You might not feel like exercising, but take the first steps.  You will not regret it.
4. Get adequate sleep. Set yourself up on a sleeping schedule so that you are getting adequate sleep.  A well-rested body helps to decrease the emotional pain.

But even if you do none of the things listed above, there is one thing that you must do during this time, and that is to pray.

Remember that television commercial for LifeCall where Mrs. Fletcher yells, “I’ve fallen…and I can’t get up!” and immediately she is notified that help is on the way?  She didn’t have to look for her glasses, the phone book, and the telephone.  All she had to do was call out for help right where she was, and help was on the way.  In a sense, she was never alone.

Many of us go through our days with the “chest pain” of a broken heart.  The devil wears us down, and we find ourselves emotionally drained.  Our minds are attacked with thoughts and images as the betrayal plays over and over again in our heads.  We wear our LifeCall button around our necks, but we neglect to push the button.

Prayer.  So simple, yet so amazing!  At any moment, regardless of where we are, we are not alone.  We have access to our heavenly Father, and as soon as we start talking, help is on the way.

We need the strength of God to get us through.  Prayer gives us access to God’s strength.  “I kneel before the Father, ¹⁵ from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name. ¹⁶ I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, ¹⁷ so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, ¹⁸ may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, ¹⁹ and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God” (Ephesians 3:14-19 NIV).  And in the book of Isaiah, God says, “Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand” (Isaiah 41:10 NIV).

Not only does prayer give us strength, but it also brings us peace.  “The Lord gives strength to his people; the Lord blesses his people with peace” (Psalm 29:11 NIV).  Only God can keep us in perfect peace.  “You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you” (Isaiah 26:3 NIV).

Lastly, prayer opens the door for God to heal our broken heart.  We can be healed completely from a broken heart, and God is the One who does the healing.  “The LORD is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed” (Psalm 34:18 NLT).  “He heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds” (Psalm 147:3 NLT).

Although I was not fully aware of what God was doing at the time, He was healing my heart.  And I am happy to report that I can now think back on that time without falling apart.  God has restored my marriage and given me the ability to love and trust again.  God has strengthened my spirit so that I am now able to help others in similar situations.  Only God can take something so devastating and turn it around for good.

In the words of Pastor and author Rick Warren, “Your most profound and intimate experiences of worship will likely be in your darkest days – when your heart is broken, when you feel abandoned, when you’re out of options, when the pain is great – and you turn to God alone.”  So, if you are in a dark place, know that this is only a season.  I encourage you to put on some worship music and talk to the Lord.  Allow yourself to cry.  He knows what you are feeling.  But if you ask Him to heal your broken heart, He will do it.  He is close to you, and He will rescue you from your crushed spirit.

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Bio: Jaylin Palacio is the author of He Will Never Leave You.  Please CLICK HERE to get your copy.    She also has an email subscriber list called Marriage God’s Way where she offers help to ease the pain of adultery.