It’s Not About YOUR Happiness [Podcast]


Society wrongly views marriage as being all about “my happiness,” and about “me feeling loved.” Consequently, if someone’s marriage isn’t making them happy, if they doesn’t feel they’re being loved adequately, then it’s viewed as “a Bad Marriage. ” The insufficiently happy spouse virtually has an imperative to leave that marriage, and look for one in which they will feel sufficiently loved and happy–and it can take two or three or four tries! This is making the commitment to “Your Own Happiness” rather than making the commitment to your spouse–and it is exactly backward.

1.  Your happiness doesn’t depend on your spouse
Like all life, marriage is fundamentally about GOD! Marriage is what God says it is.  We find our happiness within ourselves by obeying God. Much of the unhappiness we feel is often related to some sin in our life: either we are avoiding sin (as in justifying it or enabling it), denying sin (as in not admitting to ourselves that what we are doing is sin–denial), or continuing in sin when we know better (as in, “this sin feels good and I want to keep doing it!”).   So to stop feeling unhappy, admit that what you are doing is sin and stop it.  If the sin that’s making you unhappy is your spouse’s sin, then stop enabling them and look to your own self to do the right thing.

Also, our spouses do not “make” us happy, even though we hear this all the time.  Yes, our spouses can affect the environment of our home and lives, but ultimately we choose our feelings.  Do not put responsibility for yourself onto your spouse.  If you do not feel loved, then BUILD love with your spouse honorably in your marriage, BUILD healthy self-worth by reading the Bible and believing who you are (a dearly beloved child of the Most High God), and BUILD happiness by obeying God!

2. Your happiness doesn’t depend on your marriage
Each marriage vow is a little unique and yet most marriage vows have a few commonalities. Most include something about “forsaking all others” meaning that there is a promise to focus 100% of affection and loyalty on the person you are marrying.  Most also include something about “for better or worse, richer or poorer, sickness and health”…well are you happy in worse, poorer and sickness? Are you happy when the worst strikes? Are you happy eating bologna sandwiches every day because you lost your job? Are you happy when you or your spouse are ill?  NO!

Marriage may well be about suffering… and not necessarily for doing anything wrong.
Happiness (and love) in a marriage don’t necessarily just organically arrive–it’s not a feeling that just comes naturally (although sometimes it can feel easy).  Rather it is something you build by obeying and by honoring your commitment.

Marriage is a covenant to your spouse in front of friends, family and God…and it is honored by working at being soulmates, by having intimate heart-to-hearts in the warmth of acceptance, hearing the most valued praise and understanding this earth has to offer.

3. Marriage is for holiness
Marriage is a covenant…a sacred discipline designed to help you know God better, love Him more deeply, and trust Him more fully.  It is about serving your spouse (not “your happiness”) and loving your spouse (not “being loved”). Society has it exactly backward, focusing on “me, me, me!” and as a Christian, the focus is on pleasing God and spending your lifetime learning about your spouse so intimately that you can love them well.

For a man, marriage is about:

For a woman, marriage is about:

So rather than viewing marriage as if it is all about YOUR happiness and YOU feeling adequately loved–view marriage in the exact opposite way. In a lifetime of covenant commitment, good times and bad times are going to come, so come to to see marriage as all of life: as a vessel used by God for you to come to know Him better.  The bad times, when they come, are not going to “make you happy” but they will be used as life lessons to teach you to think and live in a godly way.



5 thoughts on “It’s Not About YOUR Happiness [Podcast]

  1. This should be published in every newspaper in the country…on billboards…even in pulpits!

    The training people have had in the last century has been slowly forming their perspective toward the self and denying sin as “sinful” and many don’t know enough about the way God defines things to realize the danger of sin

    The Bible has been denigrated and is often the very last place people are expecting or willing to go to learn .

    Without the light of Gods Word and a heart to hear and receive their are many turned away from the greatest guide we have

    Our hope set upon Jesua Christ and our salvation settled at the cross and from the grave as He rose is the news that people need to receive…not just have a vague idea of

    They do not realize the enemy of our souls works best when we remain unarmed and ignorant of satans devices as revealed by Gods Wors and the Holy Spirit at work through the knowledge of that Word

    May people everywhere be turned from the dark to the truth …through He who is the way…the truth and the light as those who do know Him and the true Gospel walk and speak what they have learned from obedient study and submission to the Lord as they grow up in their most holy faith ….the gift of God

    Thank you for this great post….Lord lead those who need it to read it and receive it🍞🍷

  2. Ask….spell check and fat thumbs on cell phone make for odd spelling….but I think you can decipher …”there”… Not “their” for one and a few others

  3. I don’t believe a woman is to submit, adore, obey or serve her husband. the bible was written for the cultures of close to 2000 years ago. We can see on the news what happens to women in countries who believe in this. In the U.S. Women have been fighting for equality and recognition of their own God given talents. Love, respect, honor, faithfulness, kindness towards each other and treating each other are some of the qualities that a man and woman need to help create a lasting marriage.

    1. Nancy,

      We very much appreciate that you took the time to leave a comment, but we are going to politely disagree with you. Our source for all truth is God’s Word, and not necessarily “the news” nor current culture, and we believe that God reveals to us HIS plan of authority in the Bible.

      In our sinful nature, we all want to be the one with the power and the leader, but God tells us very clearly that children are to submit to parents, that wives are to submit to husbands, that Christians are to submit to one another, and that church members are to submit to their elders and pastors. “The news” encourages each person to pursue power and make themselves the authority–the Bible encourages Christians to be just the opposite and submit to one another just as Christ submitted to the will of God and went to the cross! Rather than seeking personal power, we are called to serve!

      Finally, here at Affaircare we do believe that marriage is supposed to be an image of the relationship of Christ to His bride, the Church. The same way that a husband and wife leave their father and mother and cleave to one another, is the way that we leave behind our sinful nature and cleave to Christ. The same way that a married couple becomes one, is the way that we become one with Christ by knowing Him deeply. And the same way that Christ submitted to the will of God and the Church is subject to Christ and His work, is the way that wives are under the authority of their husband.

      It’s not our option to “give it if he deserves it” or not–this is a statement of being. We ARE under our husband’s authority and leadership; that is where we are!

      For some further reading, here is a very good article “What Does It Mean For a Wife to Submit to Her Husband?”

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