You’ve suspected for a while that “something is not right” but you haven’t been able to prove anything. When you bring it up to your spouse, they respond defensively, accuse you of being jealous or having trust issues, or tell you that they’re allowed to have some privacy! You spouse may say “Oh you’re just nuts” -OR- they may dismiss your concerns.
Most infidelity is discovered one of two ways–either by accident or by the Loyal Spouse doing some investigating. When an affair is discovered by accident it’s usually something like the Loyal Spouse comes home from work early, or the Disloyal forgets to log out of their email account, or a parking ticket proves that the Disloyal wasn’t where they said they were.
When a Loyal Spouse does some investigating, high-tech investigating is often suggested: “Get a VAR (voice-activated recorder) and put it in their car” “Get a keylogger” “Set up hidden cameras and activate the GPS on their cell phone” or “Hire a PI (private investigator).” But all of these options cost money and range in price from $25 to a $200-$300 per item! You would also need to know how to operate the high-tech gizmo and know how to use the computer or cell phone to add an undetected app or software. PLUS…depending on the laws in your state, the evidence you gather may or may not be legal!
I personally suggest that Loyal Spouses use low-tech methods to gather evidence. What are some low-tech methods to investigate your spouse?
- Keep track of all incoming phone calls–both calls that YOU answer and calls that THEY answer. Make sure Caller ID is set up on your phone record the time and number of all calls.
- Plan a surprise visit to their office or come home at unexpected times. Alternatively, make announcements about having to work late, but then come home early.
- Keep track of your spouse’s mileage, receipts, credit card statements, ATM withdrawals, phone records, etc. Did they say they drove to work 5 miles away and run out of gas and take 2 hours to get there? Get printed copies of the phone bill, bank statement, etc.
- Keep a journal of your spouse’s reported activities–a DayTimer daily calendar is perfect! Write down the times, dates, places, other people involved, excuses given, etc.
- Compare the journal and/or what they said with phone bills, credit card statements, ATM withdrawals, talk to other people, etc.
A cheating spouse is likely to change his or her story, or question your memory, so keeping a record of everything is critical! Plus these low-tech option cost nothing but your time and some thought.
My last bit of advice regarding gathering evidence is to never confront your spouse until you have enough evidence to convince yourself that something really IS going on. Do not reveal all of your evidence at once. Most cheating spouses will try deny until some evidence is presented, and then they will try to blameshift and come up with a story to fit the evidence presented. However, if you withhold some evidence and give your spouse enough rope to hang themselves, it gives you the chance to use the rest of your evidence to your advantage. By withholding SOME evidence, your spouse will start to question exactly how much you know, and this increases the odds that they will tell you the whole truth.