Low Tech Ways to Gather Evidence

You’ve suspected for a while that “something is not right” but you haven’t been able to prove anything.  When you bring it up to your spouse, they respond defensively, accuse you of being jealous or having trust issues, or  tell you that they’re allowed to have some privacy!   You spouse may say “Oh you’re just nuts” -OR- they may dismiss your concerns.

Most infidelity is discovered one of two ways–either by accident or by the Loyal Spouse doing some investigating.  When an affair is discovered by accident it’s usually something like the Loyal Spouse comes home from work early, or the Disloyal forgets to log out of their email account, or a parking ticket proves that the Disloyal wasn’t where they said they were.

When a Loyal Spouse does some investigating,  high-tech investigating is often suggested: “Get a VAR (voice-activated recorder) and put it in their car” “Get a keylogger” “Set up hidden cameras and activate the GPS on their cell phone” or “Hire a PI (private investigator).”    But all of these options cost money and range in price from $25 to a $200-$300 per item!   You would also need to know how to operate the high-tech gizmo and know how to use the computer or cell phone to add an undetected app or software.  PLUS…depending on the laws in your state, the evidence you gather may or may not be legal!

I personally suggest that Loyal Spouses use low-tech methods to gather evidence.  What are some low-tech methods to investigate your spouse?

  • Keep track of all incoming phone calls–both calls that YOU answer and calls that THEY answer.  Make sure Caller ID is set up on your phone record the time and number of all calls.
  • Plan a surprise visit to their office or come home at unexpected times.  Alternatively, make announcements about having to work late, but then come home early.
  • Keep track of your spouse’s mileage, receipts, credit card statements, ATM withdrawals, phone records, etc.  Did they say they drove to work 5 miles away and run out of gas and take 2 hours to get there?  Get printed copies of the phone bill, bank statement, etc.
  • Keep a journal of your spouse’s reported activities–a DayTimer daily calendar is perfect!   Write down the times, dates, places, other people involved, excuses given, etc.
  • Compare the journal and/or what they said with phone bills, credit card statements, ATM withdrawals, talk to other people, etc.

A cheating spouse is likely to change his or her story, or question your memory, so keeping a record of everything is critical!  Plus these low-tech option cost nothing but your time and some thought.

My last bit of advice regarding gathering evidence is to never confront your spouse until you have enough evidence to convince yourself that something really IS going on.  Do not reveal all of your evidence at once.  Most cheating spouses will try deny until some evidence is presented, and then they will try to blameshift and come up with a story to fit the evidence presented.  However,  if you withhold some evidence and give your spouse enough rope to hang themselves,  it gives you the chance to use the rest of your evidence to your advantage. By withholding SOME evidence, your spouse will start to question exactly how much you know, and this increases the odds that they will tell you the whole truth.

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4 thoughts on “Low Tech Ways to Gather Evidence

  1. I sincerely hope that everyone who reads this is secure enough to not begin checking up on your mate unless there are clear signs that something is wrong. Insecurity will cause you to not trust your partner and this can lead to checking up on your mate when there is no cause. This can lead your partner to lose faith in the relationship and give up on it.

  2. My husband was the cheater and he was checking up on me, while he was cheating. He even hacked into my email account.

    It did not cause me to give up on him, when I found he was checking up on me. What it did do was make me think he was simply jealous and insecure. Sadly, I was actually a little amused by his checking up on me to ensure I wasn’t cheating.

    Our marriage was a good enough marriage. We still had sex and until he met the OP, we seemed to have a good relationship.

    So, If the spouse is not cheating when being checked up on, like me the loyal spouse, then I don’t think checking on a spouse should make them give up on the marriage.

    IMO, I think in retrospect, a spouse who is checking up on a spouse to ensure there is no cheating, when none is happening, needs to be suspected of possible cheating and checked up on in turn.

    Had I done that, I would have learned of his affair sooner.

    When, I finally did become suspicious about his whereabout and did start checking on my cheater, he became very defensive. Again, I, the loyal spouse, was somewhat amused by his paranoia, not angry.

    So, IMO, and based on my experience, if someone gives up on the marriage or becomes defensive, due to being checked up on, then perhaps they were already cheating. If not cheating and still in love with their spouse, they will likely find being checked up on curious, but not a good reason to give up on a marriage or become defensive about being checked up on.

  3. Oh yes the journal thing works very well, but you have to be consistent with it or there will be too many gaps. It takes a couple of months before your able to start the cross checking. The other thing I do for receipts I find, I got a pocket size calendar and everytime I come across receipt I log the where, what and time of transaction. It’s better to have this seperate from journal so it can be quickly accessed and written in, as you wont always be able to keep the receipt you find. Look in his car garbage can and your house ones as well (out front we have a big one) they will toss evidence thinking you wont look there. But is its some where where he could notice the receipt missing be sure to put it back, they could be gaslighting. Also CAUTION; once the register that printed the receipt was wrong (wrong time) and when I confronted him was able to disprove evidence and he knew I was watching. So check out the suspicous ones first. Last tip: be nice wash their car for them (especially if their the only ones to drive it) gives you a chance to check the interior/exterior a bit closer. Lots of things can be hidden in their vehicles they do not share with other drivers. Look for smells, hair, affair kit items (lube, blanket condoms) og you want to know where I found my husbands hidden stash, in a stack of old t-shirts (like concert, auto shows, vacations) that were folded and on top shelf way in back closet. In the middle of stack layed flat towards the back. also check the sleeve areas on jackets or coats not worn often. Things could be hidden in others (kids) room as well. Oh I’ve learned to be a pretty good detective all right. Sorry so long winded, but husband is so good at being sneaky that i’ve had to work very hard to get the evidence – don’t confront over everything you find keep mouth shut (hard for me at first )and gather enough to know for sure individually can be explained but grouped together may be enough to know for sure. It’s the not knowing the truth that has eaten me up.

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