When to End the Consequences Stage


Do you ever wonder how you can tell if it is a sincere change and not just a bunch of empty promises? Here’s what it will look like when it is really time to end the Consequences Stage.

#1 – When Disloyal Spouse works on their issues ON THEIR OWN—without Loyal Spouse having to beg, plead, or “remind” them to go to counseling or a meeting

#2 – Disloyal Spouse will come to Loyal Spouse and ask for forgiveness, taking personal responsibility

#3 – Disloyal Spouse’s ACTIONS will show that they have changed by the way they treat Loyal Spouse

#4 – Disloyal Spouse will not try to force Loyal Spouse to “believe me, I’ve changed!!”

#5 – Disloyal Spouse will show respect for Loyal Spouse’s lack of trust

#6 – Disloyal Spouse will build trust slowly and not try to “rush it”

#7 – Disloyal Spouse will understand and accept that for a while, it may feel like they have lost some privacy

#8 – Disloyal Spouse will drag their own butt to counseling, anger management, church, and/or some form of ACCOUNTABILITY (like a sponsor, etc.)

#9 – Disloyal Spouse will not make demands such as, “I need you to…” or “You need to…”

#10 – Disloyal  Spouse will not be disrespectful/judgmental: “What’s wrong with you for feeling…?” “Why didn’t you…?” “You’re crazy!”

#11 – Disloyal Spouse will NO LONGER TRY TO FIX Loyal Spouse!

#12 – Disloyal Spouse will ask Loyal Spouse what they went through and how it felt

#13 – Disloyal  Spouse will not argue with Loyal Spouse’s feelings when Loyal Spouse tells Disloyal Spouse the truth of how it felt

#14 – Disloyal Spouse will sorrow a godly sorrow for what they put the Loyal Spouse through

#15 – Disloyal  Spouse will not “work toward” working on their issues…or make promises about working on their issues…or “make progress” toward working on their issues. Disloyal Spouse will just work on them whether Loyal Spouse chooses to take them back or not.

#16 – Disloyal Spouse will willingly admit what they did wrong and will no longer lie to hide the truth

#17 – Disloyal Spouse will willingly spend 15 hours a week on their marriage

#18 – Disloyal Spouse will willingly learn how to think of their partner and protect their partner ahead of their own “happiness”

#19 – Disloyal Spouse with want to know the Loyal Spouse’s Love Kindlers and will tell the Loyal Spouse what theirs are

#20 – Loyal Spouse will hear questions like these:

  • What do you want?
  • What hurts you about being with me?
  • How do you feel when I come to the house?
  • How do you feel after talking with me?
  • Do you feel like I constantly tell you how you should be?
  • Do I sound selfish?
  • Have I shown an interest in your reality, hopes, and dreams?
  • Are you experiencing trauma from the things I said and did for years?
  • Can you heal from this trauma?
  • Could you like a person who has been self-centered and abusive for a long time?

3 thoughts on “When to End the Consequences Stage

  1. If you are up against an affair don�t just think that things will workout on its own. One needs to face these and cope with them. In addition I think it is really important to understand if the partner is basically sorry and feeling awful about their affair or not. Continue to keep the conversation going good.
    Have a nice day.

  2. Wow . . . those are a lot of hoops to jump through for the DS!!! It seems many LS’s out there are like the older brother when the Prodigal finally repented then came home and the Father threw him a banquet. As you know the older brother resented his Father and refused to celebrate the repentance and restoration of his Prodigal brother. The lesson in the account of the Prodigal son is that BOTH the older and younger brother were in need of the grace and kindness of the Father. Sadly the indictment in the parable is more against the older brother who would not celebrate the repentance and forgiveness of the Father. In like fashion, many LS’s want the DS to perpetually pay for their crimes without forgiveness or allowing repentance to deepen with kindness. Remember “it is God’s kindness that leads us to repentance.” This comment is in no way meant to disrespect any LS. Adultery is a mess and the perpetrator has the onus to repent and begin to build trust. If the LS wants to reconcile he/she must forgive and celebrate the genuine repentance of the DS . . . that will restore a marriage very quickly by the grace of God.

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