7 Things We’ve Never Shared With You Before

  

That’s me, Cindy, showing how “strong” my Bronco fandom is. And that’s David, making his “scary David face” while we watch a horror movie–AAAAAAA!!! We are crazy funny like that sometimes. It dawned on us after nine years of writing here, that maybe you, our readers, don’t know that about us.

When we write here on the Affaircare blog, we compartmentalize a bit–one compartment is our public personas shared right out loud here on the website, and the other compartment is private and we don’t really show it. But we realized that means you never get to see the “whole enchilada” and thus only get a partial view of us.

In any case, we don’t want to come across with a watered-down personality. We want people to know who we really are so we can really connect with the people on a deeper level. And the people who don’t “get us” can continue searching for their right people elsewhere.

There’s a bolder side to both of us to which we want to introduce you.

To kick off this new chapter in our blogging lives, we are going to start by sharing 7 things we’ve never shared with you before. Hopefully you’ll know more about the real “us” after reading this.

Here we go:

David–

1- I’m a consistent Calvinist Christian, and I like the works of Gordon Clark and Vincent Cheung. It’s important for you to know this because this defines what kind of Christian I am and what I believe, and thus how I might coach you in recovering your marriage. I believe that in their natural state, humans are sinful and that the result of sin is separation from God. I believe that Jesus Christ came to earth as a human being, lived a perfect life, and died a substitutionary death for the sins of the elect. I believe that we are reconciled to God ONLY by the work of Christ, and not by anything we do.

2 – My closest friends are HILARIOUSLY funny. I have a very small group of five friends I’ve known since middle school and high school. When we get together, everyone is a comedian, and we all quote Monty Python and sci-fi movies at each other. I love it.

3 – I am a student of Logic, and no I didn’t mean “common sense.” I mean the science of Logic. Here is my favorite intro to logic book: “Logic” by Gordon Clark.  If you’d like a fun place to start, here’s a Logical Fallacies site.

4 – I’m a huge fan of books, movies and music. No, I mean HUGE. For books, I am particular to fantasy/sci-fi and philosophy and theology–in fact, Cindy and I read out loud to each other. My taste in movies is similar–fantasy/sci-fi–and it’s been thrilling to live through the release of the Lord of the Rings movies, the Hobbit movies, and now the SECOND set of Star Wars movies. Okay I have to admit I also love Marvel and Joss Wheadon. Don’t get me started on music–I have tracks in the six figures on my computer and listen to every genre if the musicianship and skill is there. I have a LOT of music!

5 – Politically, I unapologetically believe in libertarian philosophy, specifically the Non Aggression Principle. Just to be clear, I’m not part of the National Libertarian Party or the Tea Party or any of that–I mean that I believe in the ideology of liberty. Then again, this isn’t a political blog, so I won’t expound a lot here.

6 – Part of me wishes I finished college, but at the time I was young and dumb and didn’t see the value in it. On the other hand, I’ve been auto-didactic all my life so I love learning! To live is to learn!

7 – My father died of a heart attack in his early 50s. That is on my mind, since I’m in my early 50s myself now, but it doesn’t really scare me. It’s just part of what made me who I am today.

Cindy–

1 – I’m going to be 54 years old this year, but my friends range in age from pre-teens to 80s. No seriously, I have a couple friends with whom I trade Pokemon cards, and they are 10 or less. And I have a friend I call every week who’s in her 80s. I love people, and most of my friendships last years and years. The weird thing is, though, I don’t really have super close friends–I think I’m afraid to let people in too deep.

2 – I am also a consistent Calvinist Christian. I consider myself reformed as well, because even though we are members of a Presbyterian church and not a Reformed church, I think of it like this: “We aren’t Catholic, so we are Reformed. We aren’t Arminian, so we are Reformed.” I think more than anything, this defines my life, and I apply it to myself in this manner: Does my life convict me of being a Christian? Do my words convict me of being a Christian? Do my thoughts convict me of being a Christian?

3 – I’m a huge fan of books, movies and music too. Can you see why David and I get along together so well? I read all the time–online and on books. In fact we decorated our living room just so we could line with walls with bookshelves! My taste in movies tends to be comedies, sci-fi, and musicals (I love to sing along!). The occasional documentary or foreign film or indie film can be enjoyable too. I am not at all into TV!! YUCK!! And for music, well one reason David loves me is because I also just adore all kinds of music: 30s-40s-50s, country, old westerns, musicals, opera, classical, jazz, classic rock–I love it all. But my favorite: BLUES! Baby wail on that guitar for me!

4 – When it’s football season, I go into “Crazy Fan” mode. I grew up in Wisconsin and that’s where I learned football, and YOU KNOW how crazy those Cheeseheads are. From Wisconsin I moved to Denver, and I’ll just say this about Broncos fans: the entire city of Denver closes when there’s a Broncos game AND they put their season tickets into their estate planning. Now I’ve moved to the Pacific Northwest and I’m learning to be a Seahawks fan… but in my heart I’ll always love my Pack and the Broncos.

5 – Politically, I honestly believe in anarchy–meaning “no ruler” and not chaos. I don’t think there really is a political party that believes in that anymore, so I call myself a Voluntaryist. I advocate the Non Aggression Principle and voluntary interactions at all levels.

6 – I’ve been in every state of the US except Alaska and Hawaii, and they are on my bucket list.

7 – I met David online! No not on a dating site. We both were on a forum for people whose spouses had been unfaithful, and we didn’t even talk to each other for a long time. What was amazing to me, though, is that even though lived far away, we found each other and we were so much alike it was surprising! Takeaway: if you are single and you would like to be married, God will put you together even if you’re far away from each other.

It’s surprising how easy it was to come up with these 7 things, and we actually have a lot more that we could share! Maybe this self expression thing isn’t so bad after all.

Thanks for reading all the way through this experiment. If you resonate with the souls we’ve just bared, please follow the blog. If we’ve offended you or turned you off, thanks for reading anyway. We know that we don’t appeal to everyone, and that’s OK.

The Best Way to Ease the Pain of Infidelity

Welcome to a new feature here at Affaircare: The Sunday Guest Spotlight.  Today I would like to introduce Jaylin Palacio. She has a Christian ministry called Encouragement from the Word of God. Jaylin shares her own marriage story:

After I found out that my husband of 20 years was having an affair, I could no longer function.  I stayed in the fetal position staring at the wall, crushed under the weight of this news with no desire to go on living.  The ache in my heart was so intense I could tangibly feel pain in my chest.

In the months that followed, though going through the motions of my day-to-day life, the heaviness of my emotional pain left me weary.  The only time I experienced relief from this pain was in the presence of God.  At first, I couldn’t even pray.  I struggled to formulate the words.  Many times I would just play worship music and cry.  The only words I could get out were, “Help…me.”

Marital infidelity causes a vast amount of destruction.  The pain of adultery can last for years, and the healing journey is not an easy one.  However, there is good news: it is possible to rebuild what was destroyed after there has been unfaithfulness.

There are predictable stages of grief that people experience once they find out their spouse is having an affair.  The first is shock and disbelief, followed by a period of unpredictable emotional ups and downs.  It can make you feel like you are losing touch with reality.  This is not the time to make any major decisions.  Questions such as, “Should I file for divorce?” and “What can I do to get my spouse to come home?”  should be put on the shelf while you wait for your emotions to level out.  Waiting can be very difficult when we feel as if we need to make a move, but major decisions made out of emotion can make a bad situation worse.

So what should the betrayed spouse do while they are waiting?  Some healthy ways to cope during this period are:

1. Start a journal. Identify what you are feeling and write it down.  This is just for your insight and reflection.  Use the journal as an outlet for what you are feeling, and then find other ways to stay busy.
2. Eat nutritious meals. Plan small meals that consist of nutritious food, and make yourself eat.  Resist the temptation to skip meals or to eat unhealthy food as that will only make the emotional pain worse.
3. Exercise. Cardiovascular exercise is an excellent way to release anger and increase endorphins.  You might not feel like exercising, but take the first steps.  You will not regret it.
4. Get adequate sleep. Set yourself up on a sleeping schedule so that you are getting adequate sleep.  A well-rested body helps to decrease the emotional pain.

But even if you do none of the things listed above, there is one thing that you must do during this time, and that is to pray.

Remember that television commercial for LifeCall where Mrs. Fletcher yells, “I’ve fallen…and I can’t get up!” and immediately she is notified that help is on the way?  She didn’t have to look for her glasses, the phone book, and the telephone.  All she had to do was call out for help right where she was, and help was on the way.  In a sense, she was never alone.

Many of us go through our days with the “chest pain” of a broken heart.  The devil wears us down, and we find ourselves emotionally drained.  Our minds are attacked with thoughts and images as the betrayal plays over and over again in our heads.  We wear our LifeCall button around our necks, but we neglect to push the button.

Prayer.  So simple, yet so amazing!  At any moment, regardless of where we are, we are not alone.  We have access to our heavenly Father, and as soon as we start talking, help is on the way.

We need the strength of God to get us through.  Prayer gives us access to God’s strength.  “I kneel before the Father, ¹⁵ from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name. ¹⁶ I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, ¹⁷ so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, ¹⁸ may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, ¹⁹ and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God” (Ephesians 3:14-19 NIV).  And in the book of Isaiah, God says, “Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand” (Isaiah 41:10 NIV).

Not only does prayer give us strength, but it also brings us peace.  “The Lord gives strength to his people; the Lord blesses his people with peace” (Psalm 29:11 NIV).  Only God can keep us in perfect peace.  “You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you” (Isaiah 26:3 NIV).

Lastly, prayer opens the door for God to heal our broken heart.  We can be healed completely from a broken heart, and God is the One who does the healing.  “The LORD is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed” (Psalm 34:18 NLT).  “He heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds” (Psalm 147:3 NLT).

Although I was not fully aware of what God was doing at the time, He was healing my heart.  And I am happy to report that I can now think back on that time without falling apart.  God has restored my marriage and given me the ability to love and trust again.  God has strengthened my spirit so that I am now able to help others in similar situations.  Only God can take something so devastating and turn it around for good.

In the words of Pastor and author Rick Warren, “Your most profound and intimate experiences of worship will likely be in your darkest days – when your heart is broken, when you feel abandoned, when you’re out of options, when the pain is great – and you turn to God alone.”  So, if you are in a dark place, know that this is only a season.  I encourage you to put on some worship music and talk to the Lord.  Allow yourself to cry.  He knows what you are feeling.  But if you ask Him to heal your broken heart, He will do it.  He is close to you, and He will rescue you from your crushed spirit.

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Bio: Jaylin Palacio is the author of He Will Never Leave You.  Please CLICK HERE to get your copy.    She also has an email subscriber list called Marriage God’s Way where she offers help to ease the pain of adultery.