“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.” ~James 1:2-3 NIV
The word “trials” in these verses is from the Greek word peirasmos, which means a test of a person’s fidelity, integrity, virtue, constancy, etc. We westerners thing of them as “temptations” but it means the things in life that test and prove whether or not you’re really faithful, whether or not you really are virtuous. The tests. And James tells us that the testing (proving) of our faith PRODUCES….
Now that is an interesting word! It means “works out” or “accomplishes” but an even better way of looking at it is that tests “work down to the end-point, to an exact, definite conclusion; bring to decisive finality”–in other words the tests are a guarantee to bring PERSEVERANCE.
Again, there’s another interesting word! What is perseverance? It comes from the Greek word hupomoné and it to “endure under”… so in other words, the ability to endure under the tests that God allots in life. In other words it’s the patient characteristic of a person who is unswerved from their deliberate purpose and their loyalty to faith and piety by even the greatest tests and temptations.
So the author is telling us that when we face the various tests of life, we are to consider the test as JOY–the awareness of God’s grace and favor–because proving is guaranteed to result in the ability to patiently endure under the tests and not swerve from our deliberate purpose and loyalty to God and living in His Love.
Now taking this verse to heart while in the middle of dealing with an affair can be TOUGH! I mean, how can you “count it all joy” when you are betrayed by the one you love, right? Bear in mind the verse doesn’t say we have to FEEL joy, but rather that we should be aware that when God sends a test our way, it is evidence of His grace and favor. The aim of the test , even if it is a hard, painful test, is for you to more intimately know His love and how to live in His love…and to grow closer to HIM and more like Him.
“Then Jesus said to those Jews who believed Him, “If you abide in My word, you are My disciples indeed. And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.”~John 8:31-32 NKJV
The Greek word for “abide” that Jesus uses here literally means to “remain,” “stay,” or “wait.” So, Jesus is telling believers to remain in God’s Word, letting it soak into their minds and shape their lives. But what is there to wait for? The writer of Hebrews talks about waiting, only he calls it “faith.” “Faith is the assurance of things hoped for,” he writes, “the conviction of things not seen” (Hebrews 11:1). The apostle Paul also talks about waiting, only he calls it “hope.” Speaking of the hope of our redemption, and ultimate glorification as sons of God, he says, “Hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience” (Romans 8:23-25).
So often we humans, in our frailty, will look at the world around us and “abide” in what we see: hurt, pain, death… and our mind isn’t soaked in faith or hope. I think Jesus is telling us here that we we like our minds be soaked in God’s promises and patiently wait, knowing they will come, then we will see the truth that the hurt, pain, and death are temporary and not the salvation God intends for us. We’ll be free from the fear of what we see, and instead the way we live will reflect the truth that we know: God’s promises ARE true.
If you are wrestling with an affair in your marriage, it is critical to “abide” in God, wait patiently for His will, and remember faith and hope. It may not be that your marriage will survive, but if you “abide” God promises to be with you every step. Don’t look at the hurt and pain and loss all around you–instead let God’s word soak into your mind and live your life reflecting what you know is true.
“…that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting people’s sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation. We are therefore Christ’s ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us. We implore you on Christ’s behalf: Be reconciled to God.” ~2 Corinthians 5:19-20 NIV
Did you notice it? I did–these two verses repeat that word ‘reconciliation’ or ‘reconciled’ so it must be important!
The Greek word here is katallassōn, katallagēs, and katallagēte–you can tell all from the same root word, and at its core it means “to change down to an exact point.” That doesn’t sound much like our English definition of reconciliation, does it? Yet this word has a connotation of DECISIVE change, from enmity to friendship, down to even the smallest detail…going from a position of angry to receiving favor. In 2 Cor. 5:20 Paul uses the same word when he describes a woman returning to harmony with her husband.
So…Paul implores us to be the elder diplomats who proclaim the message: return to harmony with God. Now my question is how am I being an elder and living that message? Do my actions and words testify to the message of reconciliation to God?
When there has been an affair, people often throw around that word ‘reconciliation.’ Some will immediately tell you to leave the Disloyal on the spot; others may encourage you to reconcile no matter what abuse has occurred. But looking at this verse, it seems clear to me that whether the marriage is reconciled or not, the first and main reconciliation with which we need to be concerned is a DECISIVE change…from discord with God to harmony. He chooses us, and He reconciles us–we can’t assist in any way–but His love is such that He wants us to be made right with Him.
Thus, focus there first. If your marriage is in disarray due to an affair, I implore you as a messenger to return to harmony with God. Return to living the life He wants you to lead. Return to reading the Bible and prayer, and return to living in a Christ-like way as a response to His love for you.
Whether it’s before an affair, to #affairproof your marriage, or after an affair to reconcile, there are specific actions you can take to problem solve in your marriage.
The #1 topic in our Affaircare Topic Survey was Problem Solving, and today we tackle how to solve those issues that are damaging your marriage.
The first thing that MUST be ascertained
Are you trying to get someone else to solve the problem for you? If you hear yourself saying, “I can’t make my mind up” “I can’t help it” or “What should I do?” those are typical clues that you want someone else to do your job. Ask yourself if you are trying to avoid taking personal responsibility. Do you manipulate things so you can avoid the natural consequences of your choices? In essence if this is the issue, than “the problem” is not the real problem. The REAL problem is that you don’t want to be responsible. The solution is to make a choice, and act. Make the decision and accept the benefits of the choice you made and live with the consequences of the choice you made.
If, on the other hand, you are worried about making the RIGHT decision, then the answer to that is simple.
5 Actions You Can Take to Problem Solve in Your Marriage
1. Secure commitment from both to Christ and His Word as the standard for all that is done and said.
1.a. Study together what the Bible has to say about the problem. Keep an open mind.
2. Foster and establish companionship between the spouses (making sure they have a right understanding of what marriage is)
3. Unity in intimacy
a. United “the two are one”
b. Intimacy: physical/sexual and emotional/mental
4. Growth, which means sanctification. Grow in Christ as a couple because of this issue.
5. Exemplify the relationship between Christ (The Groom) and His Church (The Bride)
If you take these five actions, and there is not a resolution, then it comes down to personal preference. Honestly, discuss it with your spouse and agree to pick one. Do not assume and agree together that you will do nothing until there is earnest, mutual agreement.
Example: Arguing about money–husband bought a “man toy” without speaking to his wife and now they are in more debt than they can afford.
As Christian counselors who have worked with couples for 17 years, we frequently meet couples where one of the spouses just does not think what they are doing is an affair. “It doesn’t seem like an affair to me!” they say. So we thought we’d dedicate an entire episode to discuss some of the most common objections to why their “friendship” could not possibly be an affair.
If that friendship you have with someone at the office or at school is affecting your spouse, in what way is it showing your spouse love? After all:
“the essence of married love, to which each party pledges himself or herself, is to put the other first.” ~Jay Adams
1. “Well they need to get over it”
But that’s not how Scripture deals with those things. In I Corinthians 8:8-12 Paul writes: “But food does not bring us near to God; we are no worse if we do not eat, and no better if we do. Be careful, however, that the exercise of your rights does not become a stumbling block to the weak. …When you sin against them in this way and wound their weak conscience, you sin against Christ. Therefore, if what I eat causes my brother or sister to fall into sin, I will never eat meat again, so that I will not cause them to fall.” He’s talking about a big controversy they had in Corinth about whether a follower of Christ could eat meat that had been sacrificed to an idol. Further, Paul was Jewish and some in Corinth even said that Christians had to keep kosher! Paul answered all this by saying that there is only one God from whom all things come and for whom we live, thus “where a meat is cooked” does not make the meat sinful or non-sinful. BUT if eating that food causes a brother or sister in Christ to fall into sin, we not only sinned against a fellow Christian, but against Christ! And he goes on to say that if something he does causes someone to fall into sin, he would rather not do it AT ALL then to cause them to fall. This is the way of Christian maturity.
The mature Christian does not put a stumbling block in front of the baby christian, even if it is the baby Christian’s “weakness.” If you’re spouse is stumbling because of your actions, you are not loving them. And if you are not loving your spouse and loving someone else (a “friend” or someone “who needs you”) then that is the very definition of infidelity. You need to end that “friendship” and refocus on your marriage.
It may be it is a weakness, and they need to grow, and there are ways you can help your spouse do that that don’t involve hurting them or the marriage or the family. PUT OFF the sin of causing them to stumble because of your actions, and PUT ON the godly action of helping them to grow in Christ.
2. “Well I wouldn’t be friends with the Other Person if my spouse wasn’t such a grouch!”
Wait a minute! Let’s define right here and now who is responsible for what in your marriage.
Certainly it would be easier if to be faithful if your spouse was loving and pleasant … Certainly it would be easier if they were always what you wanted them to be! But God has told husbands to be loving PERIOD! Ephesians 5:25 and 28, Colossians 3:19, I Peter 3:7 And God has also clearly told us that wives are in submission to their husbands, whether their husband is loving or not! Ephesians . 5:22 and 24 and 33 and Colossians 3:18, I Peter 3:1 You don’t do it in hopes of getting your spouse to do what you want them to do -OR- “only on the condition that…” You do it because God expects you to and has given you the power to do so. PUT OFF the behavior of self-centeredness, and PUT ON the behavior of God-centered obedience.
3. “But this is just the way I am! I’m friendly!”
Doubtless that is the way you WERE as a non-Christian, and being friendly is not the problem. But allowing the guise of friendliness to corrupt your good character IS! It’s not the way God wants you to be and with His power it’s not the way you will be in the future, so continuing to use that as a reason to keep sinning is not valid–you’re still harming your spouse! Scripture is full of warnings to keep away from outside influences that lead to occasions to stumble. In I Corinthians 15:33 Paul writes: “Do not be misled: ‘Bad company corrupts good character.‘“Proverbs 12:26: “The righteous choose their friends carefully, but the way of the wicked leads them astray.” Proverbs 13:20 “Walk with the wise and become wise, for a companion of fools suffers harm.” (There are so many in the book of Proverbs we could go on and on.) Psalm 1! Keep away from all whose lives are displeasing to God; otherwise, you are likely to be influenced by them…and being pleasing to God would be building your marriage relationship and honoring your commitment! PUT OFF the rationalizing of “that’s just the way I am” and PUT ON the confidence that in God you are a new creation, as promised in 2 Corinthians 5:17.
4. You may just be in outright denial that it’s an affair.
The examples above are ALL affairs, and I bet the disloyal spouse in those scenarios didn’t think they were! If you have convinced yourself that what you’re doing is justified even though you know it’s harming your marriage, in that case, you obviously need to stop. If you are the only person in the world Other Person has to lean on, then you have an inappropriate relationship–you’ve given a third person the support that’s due only to your spouse. If you have told yourself “I deserve better” or “Love shouldn’t be this hard” and crossed the line of honoring your vow to forsake all others, then you have been unfaithful. Stop using euphemisms! PUT OFF the denial and justification, and PUT ON admittance and repentance.
The end result is the same in all instance: the relationship outside the marriage needs to stop forever. There needs to be a rebuilding of your primary commitment–your marriage. Whether your spouse is weak, there’s a flaw in your spouse, you don’t want to change, or you are in denial, all of those instances indicate a deep issue in your marriage that needs to be addressed.
Our site is about helping people recover their marriage after an affair. But how can we talk about adultery without first knowing what marriage IS?
This series will focus on erroneous views of marriage that lead to wrong expectations, attitudes, and practices. Many bible-believing Christians go wrong because their concept of marriage is an illusion. So we’re going to spending the next weeks studying the blueprint of marriage: 1) the origin of marriage, 2) the purpose of marriage, 3) the obligation of marriage, and 4) the commitment of marriage.
We talked two weeks ago about the Origin of Marriage–it began with God, who instituted it even before businesses and churches, as a foundation of society.
Our last podcast post discussed another common misunderstanding: the Purpose of Marriage. Many couples, even Christians, think of marriage as legalized sex or procreation, but the true purpose is a COVENANT of COMPANIONSHIP.
This week we talk about the one erroneous belief about marriage that leads to wrong expectations, attitudes, and practices: the Obligation of Marriage.
The Duties of Marriage
There are many “marital duties” mentioned in the Bible:
a) Sexual duties
In I Corinthians chapter 7, Paul gives us some clear instruction about married life and sexuality. We can glean from these verses that sex should only be between covenant-committed, married husband and wife. Please note that the couple yields there bodies to each other, rather than seeking their own sexual pleasure. Finally–we are not to deprive each other of regular, healthy, lively, enjoyable sex!
1 Corinthians 7:2b-5
…each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband. The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
b) Duties for wives
Again the Apostle Paul teaches us about marriage in the fifth chapter of Ephesians. In these verses, addressed to wives, we learn that wives are directed to submit to their husbands the same way that we submit to the Lordship of Jesus Christ in our lives.
Ephesians 5:22-24
Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
c) Duties for husbands
The Apostle Paul continues this chapter addressing the husbands, and here we learn that husbands are COMMANDED to love their wives the way that Jesus Christ loved the Church–sacrificially. Paul even points out that a husband who loves his wife, loves himself!
Ephesians 5:25-28
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing[a] her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.
d) Duties for parents
King David teaches us that one of the duties of marriage is the produce and raise godly offspring, who can be “shot out into the world.”
Psalm 127:3-5
Children are a heritage from the Lord,
offspring a reward from him.
Like arrows in the hands of a warrior
are children born in one’s youth.
Blessed is the man
whose quiver is full of them.
They will not be put to shame
when they contend with their opponents in court.
The ONE Obligation of Marriage
So there are many duties relating to marriage–but the ONE UNDERLYING OBLIGATION is the promise to provide lifelong companionship to your spouse. When a couple takes marriage vows, whether you know it or not (and most often people don’t know) you are promising to spend your life meeting THEIR needs–not the other way around!
Today’s society has told us that “love” is about YOU: you’ll never be alone, you’ll get regular sex, you’ll have someone who is “there for you,” and you’ll have your needs met! But as usual the world got it 100% backward!
THE obligation of marriage is that “love” is about GIVING and not RECEIVING.
Your marriage vows state that your spouse will never be alone, because you will be their companion. You promise to provide regular, lively, loving sex for your spouse. Your pledge is that you will “be there” for them! And together the two of you covenant to spend your lives getting to know each other so that you know how to meet their needs.
That means that when one spouse comes to us and says “I’m not getting my needs met” it is nonsensical. We do not have counselees fill out the Love Kindlers questionnaire so they can present it to their spouse and DEMAND that their needs be met! NO! The reason for filling out and sharing the questionnaires is so you can learn what would meed the needs of your spouse and then begin to plan how to meet that need! In other words, the work in the questionnaire is TO LISTEN and LEARN, not to demand.
Thus we help our counselees see that the primary question is “How can I please God and my spouse?” not “How can I please myself?” If the focus is taken off of pleasing The Self, then selfish actions such as “I’m not not getting my needs met” or continuing in infidelity will not make any sense.
Our site is about helping people recover their marriage after an affair. But how can we talk about adultery without first knowing what marriage IS?
This series will focus on erroneous views of marriage that lead to wrong expectations, attitudes, and practices. Many bible-believing Christians go wrong because their concept of marriage is an illusion. So we’re going to spending the month of September studying the blueprint of marriage: 1) the origin of marriage, 2) the purpose of marriage, 3) the obligation of marriage, and 4) the commitment of marriage.
We talked last week about the Origin of Marriage–it began with God, who instituted it even before businesses and churches, as a foundation of society.
This week we talk about another common misunderstanding: the PURPOSE of marriage.
Common Misconceptions
Many people think it is for procreation–or to raise godly offspring–and still others believe it is a moral sanction for sex–in other words, the purpose of marriage is so we can have sex in a way that is acceptable to God! But both of these purposes are too narrow. Sex doesn’t start a marriage and sex doesn’t end a marriage–so marriage is not “for sex”! Likewise, people can and do procreate inside, outside, along side and upside down of marriage! Mating and making babies does not equal “marriage”!
So what IS the purpose of marriage? Let’s look in a couple verses!
It is Not Good to be Alone
Genesis 2: 18
“Then the Lord God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.”
God made Eve, not only as Adam’s HELPER, although help is one dimension of companionship, but also as his COMPANION.
The reason God instituted marriage was to meet the need for intimate companionship. Marriage was designed to defeat loneliness. The essence of marriage is a COVENANT of companionship–and both parts are important: the COVENANT part…and the COMPANIONSHIP part. This same emphasis on companionship is stressed elsewhere.
A Companion Who Was Formerly WILD-Now Willing to be Close!
Proverbs 2: 16-17
“So you will be delivered from the forbidden woman,
from the adulteress with her smooth words,
who forsakes the companion of her youth
and forgets the covenant of her God;”
Hebrew word for “companion” here is אַלּ֣וּף transliterated: ‘al-lūp̄ from the root word alluwph. This word means a friend, an intimate, someone who is familiar and gentle from the knowing. The funny thing about this word is that it also has an aspect that has to do with wild animals. The concept is “one who is turned” and it means a wild animal that has been tamed and is not familiar and gentle. So this so someone who had WILD attitudes and actions, who is now tamed–warm and willing to be close.
A Companion of Like Character, Rank and Calling.
Malachi 2:13-16
“You cover the Lord’s altar with tears, with weeping and groaning because he no longer regards the offering or accepts it with favor from your hand. But you say, “Why does he not?” Because the Lord was witness between you and the wife of your youth, to whom you have been faithless, though she is your companion and your wife by covenant. Did he not make them one, with a portion of the Spirit in their union? And what was the one God seeking? Godly offspring. So guard yourselves in your spirit, and let none of you be faithless to the wife of your youth. “For the man who does not love his wife but divorces her,” says the Lord, the God of Israel, “covers his garment with violence,” says the Lord of hosts. “So guard yourselves in your spirit, and do not be faithless.”
Hebrew word for “companion” here is חֲבֶרְתְּךָ֖ transliterated ḥă-ḇer-tə-ḵā from the root word chabereth. That is a word that means your fellows–your associates who are of like character. These are the people of your society who are of like rank and like calling. In other words–YOUR BUDDIES. The guys you grew up with and went to school with. The girl across the street. Someone CLOSE.
Marriage is a Covenant of Companionship
In both of these verses we are being warned about adultery and being faithless, and both verses indicate that abandoning the Covenant of Companionship is infidelity! Together the two Hebrew words speak of a relationship in which there is constant commitment (the covenant part) and intimacy (the companionship part). The two passages make it clear that entrance into marriage should mean the desire to meet each other’s need for companionship. Love, in marriage, focuses on GIVING one’s spouse the companionship s/he needs to eliminate loneliness! In practical terms that means finding out what makes your spouse feel lonely and giving them what they need so they don’t feel lonely!!
Intimacy apart from commitment is not adequate; commitment to remain together apart from intimacy is equally deficient. BOTH elements are necessary!
Now we’re not saying that raising godly offspring is wrong–it’s just not the purpose of marriage. It is PART of the purpose. It is an aspect of marriage, as is mating. The intimacy of biblical companionship extends beyond the physical (sex), to every aspect of human nature.
“One Flesh” Is Not All About Sex!
Finally, let’s discuss one phrase that is very commonly misunderstood as it relates to marriage: “One flesh” (as found in Gen. 2:24, Matt. 19:6, Mark 10:8, etc.) Almost everyone thinks that is referring to sex! The words used are closer to the word we use in English when we say “everybody.” Do we mean “each physical body”? No–we mean “everyone” or “each person”–and the Hebrew and Greek words here are similar.
The marriage union is meant to be the closest, mose intimate of all human relationships. Two persons may begin to think, feel, and act as one. They function as one unit. So when God speaks of “one flesh” He’s talking about union:
one body — sexual union, a close physical union
one flesh — the marriage union, an even closer union of companionship
one spirit — the union with Christ, the closest union of all!
God’s revealed goal is for a husband and wife to become one in all areas of their relationship–intellectually, emotionally, physically. The Covenant of Companionship fills this need.
People who enter marriage with the idea that marriage is pretty much legalized sex also have a grossly unbiblical idea of the next important concept about marriage that we’ll discuss next week: The OBLIGATION of marriage.
Our site is about helping people recover their marriage after an affair. But how can we talk about adultery without first knowing the origin of marriage?
This series will focus on erroneous views of marriage that lead to wrong expectations, attitudes, and practices. Many bible-believing Christians go wrong because their concept of marriage is an illusion. So we’re going to spend the next four weeks studying the blueprint of marriage: 1) the origin of marriage, 2) the purpose of marriage, 3) the obligation of marriage, and 4) the commitment of marriage.
Most Christians have a simple understanding of the origin of marriage. “Adam and Eve–Garden of Eden” is a typical response. But many are unaware of the significance of that origin. So here is one of the basic concepts in the blueprint of marriage: MARRIAGE IS OF DIVINE ORIGIN! The practical relevance of this basic concept must be considered!
1) God designed marriage as the foundational element of all human society.
God formally instituted marriage before there was a church, a school, or a business. If marriage were of human origin, then humans could change or alter the terms for whatever reason they wish! However, if marriage is of divine origin, then marriage should last until God ordains otherwise. The rules and ideals of marriage are to be those which HE sets forth. Marriage must not be redesigned by political correctness. Individuals may marry, divorce, and remarry without sin only if, when and how God says.
2) Marriage is a foundational institution.
It was first to be instituted formally as a sphere of human society (before schools, business, even religion). Society in all its forms depends on marriage. Marriage is the foundation upon which the Church, as God’s family, rests. The covenant community is weakened as marriages are weakened. It is a group of individuals living under one roof, under one human head, and is a separate decision-making unit.
3) Marriage is not “for the propagation of the species”
Humans (like gerbils, rabbits, monkeys and other mammals) can propogate outside the bounds of marriage by mating. While it is true that God ordained that righteous procreation must be one duty of marriage, it is not the FUNDAMENTAL feature of marriage. Marriage is not “mating.”
4) Marriage must not be equated with sexual relations.
People can and do have sinful sex before marriage, but their sex does not translate into a marriage! Furthermore, the first sexual act of the honeymoon does not solemnize the marriage. Marriage AUTHORIZES moral sexual relations. Thus, adultery, while exerting tremendous strain on the marriage, does not DISSOLVE it. Marriage is bigger than and inclusive of sexual union. Sex doesn’t CREATE a marriage and sex doesn’t dissolve a marriage. Divorce, following adultery as a consequence, is not merely an outward formalization of an inward reality, but a new and further step beyond the adultery.
So if marriage is not sexual union, and if marriage is bigger than and distinct from “sex”–we have to ask: “What IS marriage?” Tune in next week as we examine the PURPOSE of marriage!
David and I are often asked about the 180 U Turn, so we thought we’d dedicate an entire episode to explaining what it is and when it is useful. Through examples, we explain how you can use the 180 U Turn technique whether you are recovering after an affair that lead to divorce or reconciling your marriage after an affair.
in my humble opinion, the 180 could be used for either recovery circumstance. But the gist of the technique is this: what you’ve been doing IS NOT WORKING. If you did not change and just kept doing things “as you are” then the likelihood that you and your marriage would stay a mess is about 100%.
Thus, what you do is a 180 turn from what you’ve been doing! Think of it as “The U Turn” instead of the 180 maybe.
The 180 U Turn list includes things that people typically do that are intuitive but actually very counter-productive, but the list isn’t perfect for everyone, and there may be stuff not included on the list that you should do 180 degrees differently.
So let’s look at a few examples.
When someone first finds out that their spouse is cheating, a very typical reaction is to cry and beg them to stay and beg them to love you and them around like a puppy dog pointing out all “the good memories”… The loyal spouse sort of enters this competition for the disloyal spouse’s love (PICK ME!) and buys gifts and promises they’ll change and calls them all the time nagging them about reconciling.
This is a VERY typical reaction, and it is 100% counter-productive! To the disloyal spouse you look like a weak, beta, wimp with no self-respect and no worth. Honestly it is irritating to have someone follow you around all mopey and begging you to choose them.
So the 180 (The U Turn) says “Do the OPPOSITE.” Another way to think of it is like George Castanza–remember how he did the opposite of every natural instinct and suddenly he had TONS of women? The 180 concept is sort of similar–do the opposite of what you’ve been doing that hasn’t worked.
Imagine what would happen if you found out your spouse was cheating, and rather cry and beg them to stay and beg them to love you and them around like a puppy dog pointing out all “the good memories”… the loyal spouse said, “I have decided to stop all this crying and begging. If you don’t love me, then so be it. I do feel sad, but that’s your choice and I’m perfectly capable of functioning without you and finding someone who does appreciate what I have to offer. So good luck and buh-bye now.” And then just carried on as if they were completely okay and like a weight had been lifted off their shoulders!!
Then rather than entering the competition for the disloyal spouse’s love (PICK ME!) and buys gifts and promises they’ll change and calling them all the time asking for reconciliation, what if the loyal spouse redecorated the house in a new color they always wanted? And the loyal didn’t call, and in fact seemed to move on okay with the disloyal? And when the disloyal called them…they couldn’t take the call because they were at an event having a great time and they’d call some other time?
See, trying to manipulate someone into loving you is never going to work. But begging and crying and following like a puppy and calling just show weakness. The goal of the 180 (The U Turn) is to help YOU become someone who has self-worth and who sees their self-value. If someone has self-worth, even if the one they love chooses to do something painful, they don’t doubt that they still have worth! They just accept that the person they love did something dumb and recognize that has nothing to do with their value! Make sense?
So going the first route demonstrates lack of self-worth…and the 180 says “How’s that working for ya?” Your relationship is a MESS and now you need to learn how to do the exact opposite to demonstrate that you are developing (or re-realizing) your WORTH.
In the end, who can say if the disloyal will reconcile or not? Doesn’t really matter actually. The goal is to act in a way that supports and reaffirms your own worth. If they choose to reconcile–coolness they see you as a stronger, alpha kind of person who can carry on. If they choose NOT to reconcile–too bad, their loss, because you are a person who can be just fine on our own without them!
You may choose to have them in your life, but you do not NEED them. Make sense?
Society wrongly views marriage as being all about “my happiness,” and about “me feeling loved.” Consequently, if someone’s marriage isn’t making them happy, if they doesn’t feel they’re being loved adequately, then it’s viewed as “a Bad Marriage. ” The insufficiently happy spouse virtually has an imperative to leave that marriage, and look for one in which they will feel sufficiently loved and happy–and it can take two or three or four tries! This is making the commitment to “Your Own Happiness” rather than making the commitment to your spouse–and it is exactly backward.
1. Your happiness doesn’t depend on your spouse
Like all life, marriage is fundamentally about GOD! Marriage is what God says it is. We find our happiness within ourselves by obeying God. Much of the unhappiness we feel is often related to some sin in our life: either we are avoiding sin (as in justifying it or enabling it), denying sin (as in not admitting to ourselves that what we are doing is sin–denial), or continuing in sin when we know better (as in, “this sin feels good and I want to keep doing it!”). So to stop feeling unhappy, admit that what you are doing is sin and stop it. If the sin that’s making you unhappy is your spouse’s sin, then stop enabling them and look to your own self to do the right thing.
Also, our spouses do not “make” us happy, even though we hear this all the time. Yes, our spouses can affect the environment of our home and lives, but ultimately we choose our feelings. Do not put responsibility for yourself onto your spouse. If you do not feel loved, then BUILD love with your spouse honorably in your marriage, BUILD healthy self-worth by reading the Bible and believing who you are (a dearly beloved child of the Most High God), and BUILD happiness by obeying God!
2. Your happiness doesn’t depend on your marriage
Each marriage vow is a little unique and yet most marriage vows have a few commonalities. Most include something about “forsaking all others” meaning that there is a promise to focus 100% of affection and loyalty on the person you are marrying. Most also include something about “for better or worse, richer or poorer, sickness and health”…well are you happy in worse, poorer and sickness? Are you happy when the worst strikes? Are you happy eating bologna sandwiches every day because you lost your job? Are you happy when you or your spouse are ill? NO!
Marriage may well be about suffering… and not necessarily for doing anything wrong.
Happiness (and love) in a marriage don’t necessarily just organically arrive–it’s not a feeling that just comes naturally (although sometimes it can feel easy). Rather it is something you build by obeying and by honoring your commitment.
Marriage is a covenant to your spouse in front of friends, family and God…and it is honored by working at being soulmates, by having intimate heart-to-hearts in the warmth of acceptance, hearing the most valued praise and understanding this earth has to offer.
3. Marriage is for holiness
Marriage is a covenant…a sacred discipline designed to help you know God better, love Him more deeply, and trust Him more fully. It is about serving your spouse (not “your happiness”) and loving your spouse (not “being loved”). Society has it exactly backward, focusing on “me, me, me!” and as a Christian, the focus is on pleasing God and spending your lifetime learning about your spouse so intimately that you can love them well.
So rather than viewing marriage as if it is all about YOUR happiness and YOU feeling adequately loved–view marriage in the exact opposite way. In a lifetime of covenant commitment, good times and bad times are going to come, so come to to see marriage as all of life: as a vessel used by God for you to come to know Him better. The bad times, when they come, are not going to “make you happy” but they will be used as life lessons to teach you to think and live in a godly way.
AFFAIRCARE 