Just Found Out

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What do you do if you just heard “I love you but I’m not IN LOVE with you” or just found out your spouse is having an affair… ?

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30 thoughts on “Just Found Out

  1. I’ve found that learning of the affair is the biggest shock to the system, but trying to rebuild is exhausting, hard work. You have to ask yourself if saving the marriage is what you want. If it is, don’t let anything stop you, but if not, end it as fast as you can.

  2. I’ve learned that cheaters never stop cheating. they just get more skillful in their ability to hide it. If you knew him, you’d think he was the best husband ever, so sweet, and quite a gentleman. Plays the loyal, god-fearing, repentant spouse with a blockbuster actors finesse.

    . Not even three years since discovery and I over heard a conversation that he’s “gonna get laid” while on his “mens” trip. Well,I ‘m not going, soooo… would this be a prostitute? Or the mistress he took with him 3 yrs ago? (just found that out) It’s a men’s trip, no women… oh that’s right. no wives allowed. I have 20 days to get things in order and find a divorce attorney. I’ve spent that last 3 years of MY life trying to get over the affair he had, counseling, etc. I just want to puke my insides out. I feel like I’m back to the day I found out about the affair 3 yrs ago. So I’ll be paying $7k for a private investigator to get the proof I need to confront him, Just tyring to decide on a creative way t present the proof to him. (He’s also a bold-faced liar, and will lie even when caught red-handed or try to justify by blaming me for lack of intimacy – which is NOT true) There is NO forgiveness possible again. I should have forgone the counseling and listened to my friends, and left him then.

    1. That’s not true. I cheated 12 years ago, repented and have had no desire to sin against God again. That sin was and will always be heinous to me. To say that God cannot deliver someone from a sin is to say that God is not omni-potent. Through Christ ALL things are possible. I think the difference on whether adultery will become repetitive depends entirely on the relationship between the Cheater and God and whether they are truly repentant. When I cheated I felt a separation from God that was devastating. I do not ever wish to be out of His presence again even if I have to live with a very unfulfilling marriage for the rest of my life. I believe He will be pleased with our stumbles if only we continue to walk.

    2. Don’t pay 7k to find out. There are plenty of tools on the net to get yourself for under 500.00. There are places that will take your harddrive and go through it for you. If a cheater is cheating the cell phone is the key. Don’t spend the money on PI’s. It is not necessary. Please for your own sake.

    3. I TOTALLY agree. Save your money. Most cheaters aren’t very smart. Check the phone bill, social accounts, email, and bank statements. There’s always a paper trail.

      1. What do you do when his cell phone is paid for and provided by his company and he clears all the history on his devices?

      2. Maria,

        I would suggest using other methods to investigate. For example, look at your bank statement and compare that to your calendar. Did he say he was in XXX City on the 15th for a business meeting but you see from the bank statement a purchase made in YYY City that day? Do you see purchases for items you’ve never seen? Does he say he’s “working late” and there’s no overtime on his paycheck?

        The cell phone is not the only way to confirm an affair. You could use a VAR (voice-activated recorder) or hire a private investigator, or ask a friend to follow him after work! There are lots of options.

    4. You should divorce his ___ as soon as you can safely do it. Protect yourself and get out. A leopard doesn’t change it’s spots.

      I have had our wedding picture on our wall for 37 years. It was taken from the balcony of the church, while we are saying our vows. You can see all of our parents, our families, there in the front pews watching us. I CRIED when I said my vows because I was so full of emotion and promise, I was giving my absolute soul/everything in those vows. Now I find out, 37 years later, that he had a “fling” 6 weeks before we got married. I look at that picture now and I want to PUKE! It no longer hangs on the wall. I can’t stand it.

      He also had an affair 7 years into the marriage. (The leopard…?) I had 3 kids and loved him and them so much, I was willing to forgive at that time. But I can tell you for sure, if I had known about that first betrayal I NEVER would have married him. It is horrible to realize that I married a liar, a cheater, someone who had no respect for me or my feelings, who actually did NOT even love me. He couldn’t have.

      He says he loves me now, that those things were long ago and he would never do it again. But part of me will always wonder—-“How many OTHER times do I not know about??” How do you ever get that trust back?

  3. Rest and be strong in The Lord. Stand firm for your covenant marriage, for God hates divorce. My wife left me and our 5 children 18 months ago now for her affair partner. Devastating, crushing – but I do not blame her – I blame Satan for taking hold of her. I am much closer to The Lord now as a result and pray multiple times a day that his will be done soon. Amen

  4. My husband has been cheating since 4 years. I have a 19 year old son been married for 20 years. Last year I found out that he has been cheating and lying and living with this woman since 4 years since I was away and was finishing my education which he forced me to get in so we can open up a practice together. I confronted him that I know everything told his family, he denied and accused me of blamming him. Now he is having a child with his mistress. He works three days outside the country and lives with her and comes home for three days and acts like he cannot live without me.
    Please advise. I am working my way to find job and get a legal advise

    1. I am so sorry for your pain ! Lying is so destructive to your self worth. It is not your fault he made this horrible choice. Praying for you .

  5. Three days ago I learned of my wife’s affair and I am devastated and not quite sure what to do. I stumbled across my wife’s email account because something just didn’t feel right. Needless to say, I came across an email that mentioned her and this other guy committing adultery in our church parking lot. It felt like a really hard blow. I am 35 years old and married for 15 years and have children. Very difficult and not sure what to do. She seems sorry only because I caught her. When asked if she would ever do it again she replied, “I can’t promise that. ”
    If it wasn’t for the kids I would leave but do not want to ruin my kids life’s.
    Please Lord, I don’t know what to do. I’m angry, frustrated, and can’t handle the disloyalty.
    Prayers and advice greatly appreciated

    1. I found out Thanksgiving Day that my husband of 14 years has been cheating on me for a year with a girl much younger than both of us and a close friend of the family. I had to move away from our city immediately to keep my children away from the scandal. My husband had 2 emotional affairs several years ago, also with girls much younger. He never really seemed repentant about those but this time I’m not sure. I feel as though I can never get past the magnitude of what he’s done, not only to this girl but also to my children and myself. He is a master at manipulating and deceiving me. He knows I want to do what is right before the Lord and I’m afraid he will use that to get me to take him back and then just do it all again.

    2. Leave her. This sounds harsh, but I can tell you from painful experience that you can never trust her again. She will cheat on you again. If she truly loved you she wouldn’t have committed adultery to begin with.
      She is very selfish and immature and has no idea of the devastation her acts have caused and that they are generational problems. Her great sin is that she has ruined your life and countless others lives without any regard for the consequences.
      I understand why God forbids adultery…it is one of the most vile things that a human being can do.

      Mike

  6. I just found out my husband of 11+ years has had 2 ongoing emotional affairs with 2 of his workers at his job. (He’s a supervisor) He got wrote up at work for not doing his job talking to the one girl. I’ve text one girl telling her please have respect for me and our children. I know the issue is my husband not the women. He has had emotional affairs every year we have been married. This time being worse I found filthy naked pics of the one woman that’s married. These affairs having been non stop since May. We just bought a house and he is the provider. I’m losing my family I feel. I pray fast and have been fighting nonstop for my marriage. I found out yesterday he has continued to talk to them I called the married women nicely told her ivery seen the pictures and I just want to know how long has this been going on. She hung up and immediately texted my husband saying she’s done and loved her husband and dosent want to mess things up and it wasn’t that serious. My husband says he wants to be with me and our 3 young children but he keeps doing this also he kissed one of the girls too. We talk close with our pastor several times a week and separate. He has lied to me pastor about continued relationship with these women. I’ve given it to god I’m at my last straw I’ve lost 26 pounds in 3 weeks. Prayers needed

  7. Wow. I found out 4 months ago that my husband of 9 years and high school sweatheart had a one night stand with a coworker 6 years ago. He went over to her house for coffee and she came onto him and he was unable to resist the temptation. In the one time they had sex, the unthinkable happened and she got pregnant. He has been paying child support for SIX YEARS without me knowing. He broke things off with her immediately after that night because he knew how wrong it was and felt disgusting afterward but the damage was done. I found a text in his iPad saying he could stop paying child support bc she is getting married….. I found this out and I was 8 months pregnant with out first at the time. We now have a child together and it’s been 4 months since I found out. He is incredibly apologetic, never ever talks with this woman (in fact they havent seen eachother since ‘that night’ and the only time they’ve talked is through text and has to due with payments etc). He said he had NO desire for her and just considered her a friend and that he’s always been so happy in our marriage and fell into a sin….. Men that have cheated, can I ask you something? Can you really risk your marriage with a woman you love ( and who is way hotter then the ‘other’ woman btw) for a one night stand without considering the consequences at the time? I just feel so incredibly nauseated and heart broken that he wouldn’t think of me and leaver her house the secoubd she started kissing him. I’m tormented daily with thoughts of them together. I feel 0 respect for him now and don’t desire him sexually like I used too bc I feel so deeply violated. I also feel frusterated with myself for not being able to forgive him as it was a one time thing and I know one horrible mistake shouldn’t define someone. Help!
    Ps- reading through all of these comments is heart wrenching. I didn’t realize how many spouses don’t take their wedding vows seriously.
    I’m so sorry for you all as this is the worst pain I’ve ever experienced.

    1. You posted this on the same day that I discovered the initial piece of evidence about my wife’s affair – He is a multi-millionaire business owner that is almost old enough to be her dad, and he has grandchildren – me, I am just a hard working middle class family man putting up with the stresses of raising three teenagers – I realize who would want be with someone like me! When they can have the gravy train from being with a multi-millionaire (that is still married to his wife of 40-something years).

      I will never understand how one spouse could inflict so much pain on someone they supposedly love. Funny, up to that day I thought we had a very strong marriage – just thought she was acting weird… There have been several confrontations – but hard denials (lies) and I am going to wait until after the Holidays for the heavy evidence – I am too much of a family man to mess up Christmas for so many others by drastic actions.

      Do you know what she said to me the other day – That I was a Beautiful Person, Handsome Man, and a wonderful father, provider and that she loves me…. Knowing what I know about whats going on – I broke down on the way to work as I am sure those were bold face lies like everything else…

  8. 14 years ago my husband looked up his old girlfriend. He than went to see here “appropriately” chaperoned by my 1 sons against my wishes. They have bee in periodic contact ever since. He doesn’t go to lengths to hide it because they are just “friends.” There are no explicit messages but now they have ramped up their contact in the last two months to multiple daily texts and emails. I went to a counselor who told me to work on being close to him and not to confront him because he won’t give her up. I don’t see how I can do that. I am obsessed with checking on their daily contacts. And j want to claw his eyes out. I am a horrible actor. So, confront or not confront? She lives in another state and I consider this an emotional affair.

    1. My .02 It is not about confronting but about establishing boundaries, you do not ask for respect you demand it, this is about what works for YOU and what does not work for you.
      “Honey I love you and I trust you, but here is the thing: I do not like the fact that you are establishing contact with an ex, I find it disrespectful to our marriage, something along the lines of forsaking all others, to put it in simpler terms this does not work for me, please do not force me to issue an ultimatum”
      This puts it all on him in such a way that he is forced to either make the choice to respect you or not, it has nothing to do with her.
      If he does disrespect you, pack his stuff and tell him that THIS DOES NOT WORK FOR ME, and you have made your choice.

      I had this argument with an ex wife before and guess what, do you really think an ex has any other motive than to rekindle memories past? let me put it this way, if she was married what would her husband say if he had any balls?

      My advise (for what is worth) Grow a pair and tell him a man of character and integrity would never even consider this to be appropriate behavior.

  9. My wife and I are believers and have been married for 22-years. We raised three wonderful children (now 19, 18 & 16) and they all live at home. We poured all our resources/efforts (i.e. Financial/Time) into our children and made many $$$ sacrifices over the years. She works part time at an antique store (for about 10-years) which includes working the weekends. I am a software developer and work typically M-F 9-5.

    I found a suspicious pattern over the last two years in which the antique store would close at 5:00pm but she would not get home until after 8:00PM (went shopping afterwork) and her days off she needed to go to the antique store (we also have a couple of booths there as well) to put things in and would be gone from 10AM and would not get back until 600PM. She would say when asked – that she needed to revamp the booth or ‘hunting’ inventory. She would also say she was going to the mall shopping but would not come home with anything. When asked, she would get EXTREMELY upset saying it was none of her business where she goes and what she does or who she is with. There was also a pattern in which her phone would be turned off or she would simply not answer her phone during those hours. It was all plausible.

    During this past summer, she started getting upset with the kids and me with their pushback and getting them to cleanup – essentially the typical stresses of being a parent trying to motivate teenagers. She was so upset she struck my 16-year old (on her arm) out of anger and said she was leaving – but couldn’t as she has no money to get her own place and that she had nothing. This repeated a couple more times over the summer except she did not strike anyone. The kids and I went way out of our way to accommodate her to try to make her happy.

    I have been encouraging her (for the last couple of years) to get a fulltime ‘professional’ job as she has a finance background and her income would help us fund the kids college as well as our retirement. She recently responded that she LOVES the antique store and for me not to tell her where to ******* work… There are other hateful things she has said about my family as well as her own family – it is like she is a different person – she swears like a truck driver and takes the lords name in vain. She saw me reading an article on a website about Loneliness in marriage – and said she was done and that if I am unhappy to just leave… Sometimes, she seems to love me – says, she loves me with all her heart – that I am a beautiful and handsome man, that the kids couldn’t have a more wonderful caring father.

    Late summer early one Friday Evening, I could not get a hold of her (she was not answering her phone and she was running errands). So I did a find my android (she has an android phone and it is on our plan) and it showed her phone was in a remote industrial area parking lot and that she was there for over an hour (She said she was going to Target). I checked her phone logs and there were 20-Hours’ worth of phone calls with the owner of the antique store (he is 15-years older than her, married with grandchildren, a multi-millionaire and not a believer) along with several hundred text messages – and the billing cycle still had another 5-days. These calls and messages were scattered over every day and always during the time I was not home or when she was not at home. I thought of the owner as a long term family friend. When I confronted her – she freaked out accusing me of spying and how terrible I was. She did say she loved him (long pause) as a father and his wife too! She said she was having a conversation with someone and that she would never tell me who it was with!

    I started going to a Christian Marriage Counselor (alone) to try and figure out what was happening with her – I was in denial. The Marriage Counselor thought something suspicious was going on – but had no concrete proof.

    Now (November) – after working with a PI and doing my own detective work I do have proof of her affair. Dropping her car off in a remote parking lot – getting picked up by her ‘friend’ and off they go to his house (while his wife is working at the antique store). When asked where she was – she said she was putting things in the shop and then going to target. I have looked at her cell phone messages (she left her phone out) and found ‘Love You’ and ‘Big L’. I have challenged her a couple of times (not all the evidence as I do have a divorce lawyer and he does not want me to divulge too much) and totally denies that anything is happening – but then gets angry and says I do not own her and if she wanted to go away for a weekend with someone (male of female) – she has that right to do it. Being so close to the Holidays I do not want to do anything drastic as it will literally impact dozens and dozens of immediate and extended family members. I have asked her to go to counseling – but she refuses. Even if I did file for divorce, I Love my In-laws and would not want to bring their reputation down or hurt them in anyway – they are old and in frail health.

    She (so I thought) has always been my best friend, my one and only, the love of my life. I would have never dreamed that she would have an affair and betray and lie to me the way she has. I have been praying first that she turn her heart back to the Lord and walk with him again. I have also been praying that once that happens that our marriage be healed. I can forgive (it will take time – but not sure if I will ever trust someone again) – but I also feel as I am being emotionally tortured. Again, I have been praying for myself for strength, encouragement, wisdom and to regain the ability to trust another Human-Being. After going through this – I cannot explain the pain, the daily breakdowns and I do not fathom how someone can do this to some they claim to love.

    Is it better to end it now – or wait until after the Holidays (Mid-January) as I do not want to ruin the Christmas Season for my immediate and extended family members?

    Please Pray for us!!! For her to regain her faith and walk with the lord and to repent of her ways. For me to be the Spiritual leader my family needs.

    1. There is no right time. You are torturing yourself. Do it now – your kids can tell you are unhappy and that will dampen their Christmas even more. Also the kids know something is not right with her. Do it now, don’t lose another day
      I am speaking from my experience, I found out Oct 2011 my husband of 20 yrs was cheating on me ( very long story before but sounds s lot like yours)
      Now 4 yrs later, I am still so unhappy, I can’t look at him and we haven’t had sex in 4 yrs ( I havent for much longer than him as I have remained faithful) He sweras he’s changed but its too late . the damage is done.

  10. My Fiancée was acting weird and I had a feeling. I saw his email and he had joined Courgar.com the week he asked me to marry him. It’s been a couple of months and he told me that he was going to work out with his friend. I came home unexpectedly to him having a shower (never has he had a shower to go to the gym with me) so I walked in the bedroom and looked at his phone. He had a booking for a hotel! and then I saw messages from a woman. I saw “red” and didn’t fully look at her messages (which I regret) and walked into the bathroom confronting him. He told me that this was the first time and that he has never done anything like this before. Can this be true?? I don’t know how to trust him and it’s driving me crazy 😦

    1. Trish,

      I think you are confusing yourself when you say “I don’t know how to trust him.” You trust him. You trust him to be DISHONEST because he has been DISHONEST. You wish he had been honest, and you have trouble trusting his honesty because he has not been honest!

      So here’s the thing. Your head and your heart are both telling you the same thing: you can trust him TO BE DISHONEST. Apparently that is not something you can live with, because look how much it is upsetting you. I would say do not marry him right now. You can not live with a dishonest man. So it’s either one of two things: either you give him time to demonstrate to you without you “reminding” him and “nagging” him that he can be honest (like a couple YEARS of time) or you let him know that you can not live with a dishonest man and he has shown by his actions that he is dishonest.

      Your choice.

  11. Thanks Cindy

    That’s good advice. I’m scared to talk to him about it in fear of “nagging” and he seems to have swept it under the carpet. He’s been more huggy and has left his phone alone with me but how easy is it for someone to delete once you know they suspect.

    We don’t have a date but I think it’s a good idea to have a long engagement.

    I just can’t get it out of my head why he would ask me to marry him if he wants to see other women. What is the point of it all?

    I’m bottling it all up and not telling anyone because I don’t want anyone to hate him. How do I know he has done it before? What if he is telling me the truth? I know the stats say he has but we are usually happy.:(

  12. Thank you for your blog. It has helped me make sense of how I’m feeling and that I am not crazy. It is early days for me, I discovered my adoring BF has been messaging hookers on backpage and Craigslist looking for massages and possibly more during our entire relationship, just three weeks ago I found this out(He claims he was doing it for the excitement and had no intention of “follow through” they don’t read like that btw they read like “let’s meet tonight and f***” but I do have to add that one message was sent in the early am, and I was coming over that night so there was no way “tonight” was happening.

    This man has treated me with more caring, love and what I thought was open communication than any man ever has. I love him. I believe he loves me. I am all over the map from “we will get through this” to “what the hell am I thinking giving him another chance?” He is very supportive of helping me heal from this to the point of if we can’t resolve it we will go to couples therapy (well duh otherwise why would I bother?) the additional hard part of this is my 25 yr marriage ended due to infidelity and lies, he knows that. Hard to believe he has even done this to me, we were planning our lives together, set to be engaged and building a beautiful home and future together. I have moments when I am still shell shocked and think I may be being a fool for trying to “forgive” I saw enough for me to lose it, and confronted him dropping his phone in his lap , open to the message from “her” then regretted that I did not investigate every single thing on his phone that I possibly could so that I could “test” his truthfulness. I am still struggling because I feel like the opportunity is lost now and hoping I can overcome the need to even look at it in “suspicion” yet also at peace that if it happens again I will find out again. He has responded in every possible way as a man that is penitent and promises me it will not happen ever again.(Trust me I had a narcissistic ex that was the exact opposite and know how that feels)

    Hoping to get through.

  13. Your answer is right there in your own message:
    your 25 year marriage ended due to infidelity…..
    this guy has a problem and it is not yours to fix…. you don’t marry potential, you date to weed out the bad people, he falls in that category, tons better out there.
    If you want to go on a rescue mission in hopes of “fixing him” good luck to you, but most times hope in these types of cases is nothing more than postponed disappointment….waste of time and energy…..
    Have faith instead that you deserve better and that there is better.

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