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Low tech ways to check if your spouse is cheating

You’ve suspected for a while that something is not right between you and your spouse.  Maybe they are chatting or texting all the time and then deleting everything so you can’t see it.  Maybe they have completely changed their music, hairstyle, or clothing choices to something appropriate for someone decades younger.  Maybe they were spending lots of extra hours “at work” but there was no overtime on their paycheck.

Whatever the reasons, you have a sneaking suspicion something isn’t right…and you have decided to verify what your spouse has been telling you.  Often when people think of snooping on their spouse, high tech gadgetry comes to mind, and nowadays there are plenty of nearly miraculous gadgets!  There are keyloggers, GPS systems, mini-cameras, and voice-activated recorders the size of a matchbox.  But not all verifying has to be “high tech.”  Sometimes some simple time and double checking will do the trick…low tech style:

Some low-tech methods will prove things just as clearly and much less expensively–it just takes some of your time and effort.  Here are several low-tech options:

  • Keep track of all incoming phone calls at home.  Record the time and any info that comes up on the caller ID  (name, phone number) for all calls.
  • Keep track of your spouse’s mileage, receipts, credit card statements, ATM withdrawals, phone records, etc.  Although this may sound daunting, we don’t mean you have to write down the mileage on the car every night…but if they “filled the tank” today and supposedly only drove to work and back 5 miles each way and now they have to “fill the tank” again…some extra miles were in there somewhere!  Look at any receipts you find, look at the itemization of your credit card (wait there’s a charge in XYZ city on this date when s/he said s/he was in ABC city).  Be specific and look CLOSELY the CC statement, the bank statement, and the phone bill!!
  • Plan a surprise visit to work, or come home at unexpected times, or make announcements about having to work late, but then come home early, etc.
  • If you can, check your spouse’s call log–maybe by looking at the bill.  Look for an unusual amount of phone calls or text messages.  Keep in mind that cheating spouses often store their lover’s phone number under someone else’s name: a friend, a co-worker, etc.
  • Keep a journal of your spouse’s reported activities.  Write down the times, dates, places, other people involved, excuses given, etc.  Your journal will become invaluable as you compare what’s said with phone bills, credit card statements, ATM withdrawals, talk to other people, etc.  A cheating spouse is likely to change his or her story, or question your memory, so keeping a record of everything is critical.  (I personally recommend a DayTimer type calendar so you can write each day the reported activity, dates, times, excuses etc. maybe in one blue….and the true facts from cell, CC or bank statement in black.)

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Back to Basics–Step 1 of 7 Steps To End An Affair

You’ve suspected for a while that something is not right between you and your spouse. Maybe they were spending lots of extra hours “at work” but there was no overtime on their paycheck. Maybe they completely changed their music, hairstyle, or clothing choices to something appropriate for someone decades younger. Maybe they were chatting or texting all the time and then deleted everything so you couldn’t see it.

Whatever the reasons, you had a sneaking suspicion something wasn’t right…

If you suspect your spouse is having an affair or is being emotionally unfaithful, do not despair. An affair does not have to mean the end of your marriage. In fact, consider this:

  • Approximately 20% of affairs last less than two months
  • Approximately 50% of affairs last more than one month, but less than a year.
  • The remaining 30% last more than a year
  • Very few last more than four years
  • Around 3% result in marriage

There are Seven Steps You Can Take to End an Affair if you have reason to believe your spouse may be unfaithful.  There is no guarantee your marriage will recover, but these steps will give you the best opportunity to recover after the affair ends.

Step 1) Gather evidence.

Just to be clear, it is very typical for the disloyal spouse to deny they are having an affair, even if you walk in and catch them “in the act.”  They jump up and as they’re putting their clothes on they’ll say “It’s not what it looks like!” So this step is not so much to use as proof to make the disloyal spouse confess, so much as it is proof to the loyal spouse that they are not making a mountain out of a molehill…something REALLY IS going on. So if you suspect, keep an open mind and gather evidence to either prove or disprove your theory.

Oftentimes, when people hear the words “gather evidence” what they think of is some high-tech gadgetry to spy on their spouse.  These days we have GPS on our cell phones, we have Voice-Activated Recorders, we have little cameras the size of a button that can be hidden anywhere, we have keyloggers and software to capture every stroke or text message…it’s like James Bond for the public!!  However, not all evidence has to be gathered using high-tech methods.  Some low-tech methods will prove things just as clearly and much less expensively–it just takes some of your time and effort.  Here are several low-tech options:

  • Plan a surprise visit to work, or come home at unexpected times, or make announcements about having to work late, but then come home early, etc.
  • If you can, check your spouse’s call log–maybe by looking at the bill.  Look for an unusual amount of phone calls or text messages.  Keep in mind that cheating spouses often store their lover’s phone number under someone else’s name: a friend, a co-worker, etc.
  • Keep track of all incoming phone calls at home.  Record the time and any info that comes up on the caller ID  (name, phone number) for all calls.
  • Keep track of your spouse’s mileage, receipts, credit card statements, ATM withdrawals, phone records, etc.  Although this may sound daunting, we don’t mean you have to write down the mileage on the car every night…but if they “filled the tank” today and supposedly only drove to work and back 5 miles each way and now they have to “fill the tank” again…some extra miles were in there somewhere!  Look at any receipts you find, look at the itemization of your CC (wait there’s a charge in XYZ city on this date when s/he said s/he was in ABC city).  Be specific and look CLOSELY the CC statement, the bank statement, and the phone bill!!
  • Keep a journal of your spouse’s reported activities.  Write down the times, dates, places, other people involved, excuses given, etc.  Your journal will become invaluable as you compare what’s said with phone bills, credit card statements, ATM withdrawals, talk to other people, etc.  A cheating spouse is likely to change his or her story, or question your memory, so keeping a record of everything is critical.  (I personally recommend a DayTimer type calendar so you can write each day the reported activity, dates, times, excuses etc. maybe in one blue….and the true facts from cell, CC or bank statement in black.)

You can also purchase those high-tech devices like hidden cameras and voice activated recorders… or download a keylogger. However, in some states it is illegal to tape someone without their knowledge, so you may want to check your state’s laws on electronic surveillance.  However, in very general terms, you can usually be within legal boundaries  if you are one of the parties talking, and you agree to recording the conversation (visually or audio recording)–you have met any state that requires one person’s consent.  If you record conversations in which you are one of the parties talking and you hold out the recorder and say: “For my own documentation and protection I am recording this conversation.  If you continue to talk to me that will be taken as your consent to record,” then you have met the state requirement for two people’s consent.  Those tape recordings and transcripts of those conversation would then meet the requirement to be evidence in a court of law.  Any other kinds of visual or audio recordings (like if you are not one of the parties talking, if you only give your consent but you need two, etc.) would not meet the standard to be evidence in a court of law.

Whether you go the low-tech route or go for some more sophisticated surveillance, the goal is to gather evidence.  When  a loyal spouse suspects something is going on, often the disloyal spouse will say “Oh you just have jealousy issues!” or “You’re crazy!  You’re making something out of nothing!”  This step is for the loyal spouse.  The intention is not “to get enough evidence to make the disloyal spouse confess” because that just may never happen.  But it should prove to you, one way or another, whether something IS or IS not going on behind your back.

 

This blog is the first of a series of seven blogs about ending an affair.  Here are the other blogs in this series:

Step 2 – Confront

Step 3 – Disclose

Step 4 – Expose

Step 5 – Carrot and Stick

Step 6 – Consequence

Step 7 – Legal Separation

This is post #1 in the CMBA 1/2 Marathon Blogging Challenge to post everyday for 13 days in October … AND is part of the Ultimate Blog Challenge!

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I’m also joining this Godly Link-ups:

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Signs Your Spouse May be Cheating

You’ve suspected for days, maybe weeks.  Something is wrong or off between you and your spouse, and you’re beginning to wonder if maybe they might be…. NO! That’s not possible.  Other people have affairs, not you two; what you have is special. Then again there was that thing last week, and when you brought it up, your spouse twisted it around as if YOU were the one with the jealousy issue!  ”You’re just being paranoid–you’re crazy for thinking like that!” they said.  Still there’s that nagging doubt in your mind.

Here are some of the signs of a spouse that may be cheating.  These behaviors are only some of the indicators of a cheating spouse!  If your spouse has one or two of these behaviors, and there is a legitimate reason and a mutual agreement (such as you two talk about it and agree to try to lose weight…and they’ve gone a little obsessive about it), these signs do NOT prove infidelity.  But when you observe several, or maybe MOST, of these behaviors, your marriage may be in trouble!  Again, let me reiterate that these behaviors are only some of the indicators of  an affair–to see “ALL the Signs Your Spouse May be Cheating,” please click on the link to see our article!

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

The Classic Clue:
When you see lipstick on your husband’s shirt or strange hairs on their clothing or in the car.

1–Some of the ‘Gut Instinct’ signs:

  • The telltale sign of a cheating spouse? Having to ask that question in the first place.
  • Your intuition (gut feeling) tells you that something is not right.

2–Some of the ‘Behavior That Is Not Their Usual Character’ signs:

  • When your partner shows up without their wedding ring
  • When your mate becomes suddenly forgetful and you have to tell him/her everything several times; their thoughts are obviously elsewhere.
  • When your wife sleeps with her purse by the bed.
  • When they encourage you to have a social life and go places out of town, and it seems like they’re trying to get you “out of the house.”

3–Some of the ‘Birth Control’ signs:

  • When you find birth-control pills in the medicine cabinet, and you’ve had a vasectomy -OR-
  • When you find condoms in the car or in his pockets, and you are on the pill.

4–Some of the ‘Showering/Cologne’ signs:

  • When they arrive home and head straight into the shower or bath, and they work an office job.
  • When he or she has worn the same fragrance for years, and suddenly they are wearing something new and wearing MUCH more than usual.

5–Some of the ‘Uncomfortable Around You’ signs:

  • When your mutual friends start acting strangely toward you, because they either know about the cheating or have been told stories about what a horrible spouse you are.
  • When your spouse avoids social events with you, as if they want to cover up that they are with you.

6–Some of the ‘Electronic Clues’ signs:
Email clues~

  • When your spouse spends all their time on the email, checking their email, or fooling with email somehow.
  • When your husband or wife suddenly deletes all emails from the email account (and it’s not just a clean up) and in the past they used to let them accumulate.

Cell phone clues~

  • When you aren’t allowed to ever look at or use their cell phone, and they go to great lenghts to make certain their cell is not answered by you.
  • When your spouse is secretive about their cell phone and it is on their person 24/7, and they are on it talking or texting that whole time.

Computer signs~

  • When they stay up to “work” or “play a game” on the computer after you go to bed. Excessive internet usage, especially late at night, is a red flag.
  • When your spouse will not allow you access to their computer or they suddenly shut down the computer when you walk into the room.

7–Some of the ‘Things Are Just Different at Home’ signs:

  • When he/she shows a sudden interest in a different type of music that they really disliked before.
  • When he/she has a definite change in attitude towards everyone in the home…including the children.
  • When they talk to you they treat you abusively or with disdain, disrespect or excessive sarcasm. Or. . . they may begin to find fault in everything you do in an attempt to justify their affair.

8–Some of the ‘Lots and Lots of Changes’ signs:

  • When s/he joins the gym and begins a rigorous workout program and “hated” exercise before.
  • Her: When she gets spiffed up and dresses provocatively to “go grocery shopping” or to “get her hair done.” She may also show up with a sudden change of hair style. Him: When he showers, shaves (cologne, deodorant, etc.) and dresses up more than usual to “go out with his buddies” or to “go fishing.”

9–Some of the ‘Telephone Mannerisms That Are Different’ signs:

  • When your phone bills show unexplained toll or long distance charges. Often you’ll find one phone number listed excessively.
  • When they behave differently or end the telephone call abruptly when you enter the room…or appear to hang up quickly.

10–Some of the ‘Automobile Related Clues That Something is Up’ signs:

  • When you find suspicious items in the car like phone numbers, receipts, lipstick, condoms or strange hairs in the vehicle.
  • When s/he “goes to the store for groceries” or “goes to get some gas” or “goes to the bank” (a task that should take just a few minutes) and comes home 5 hours later.
  • When you notice increased gas purchases that are inconsistent with the amount of miles on the car.

11–Some of the ‘Paper Trails of a Cheating Spouse’ signs:

  • When you find credit card receipts for gifts you didn’t receive -OR- your credit card bills itemizes gifts you didn’t receive (such as florist or jewelry).
  • When you find ATM receipts bearing a time/date stamp from a city you don’t recognize. [Cheating costs money! To play you must pay.]
  • When they begin to volunteer to go to the post office, rushes to check the mail before you do or opens up a new P.O. box perhaps without even telling you.

12–Some of the ‘Sex Tip-offs That Something’s Wrong’ signs:

  • When s/he is no longer interested in sex, or s/he makes excuses for its infrequency.
  • When your spouse starts to request kinky or other erotic sexual activity (behavior) that you’ve never done before, including watching porn.

13–Some of the ‘Work-related Clues That They May Be Cheating’ signs:

  • When they supposedly work a lot of overtime, but it never shows up on the pay stub.
  • When you find out by accident he or she took vacation day or personal time off from work – but supposedly worked on those days.

14–Things you’ll hear:

1. “We are just friends.”
2. “I need you to respect my privacy.”
3. “I Love You But I’m Not In Love With You.”
4. “I need some space to figure out my feelings.”