Emotion | AFFAIRCARE

Today is the start of the second series of our month-long “Back to School–Back to Basics.” This week we’ll be going over the seven Love Extinguishers. To understand what a Love Extinguisher is, you could read the Basic Concepts article to get a more indepth explanation. Briefly, to help you envision the idea, think of your marriage like a campfire. There are actions that can quench the fire of love, and those actions are Love Extinguishers. BUT there are also actions that stoke the fire of love and make it hotter–those are Love Kindlers. When you make the decision to love, you choose to act in a way that is likely to kindle feelings of interest and passion; so you decide to act in a Love Kindling way. When you get married and do not make diligent efforts to keep stoking the fire, life, bills, and children intervene and you begin to gradually take your spouse for granted and act in a Love Extinguishing way.

Today, we look at the first behavior that can put out the fire of love: Emotional Neglect! This extinguisher involves disregarding your spouse’s emotional needs and in fact inflicting emotional harm by becoming the sort of spouse who is a:

Scorekeeper–Do you keep a record of every past “sin” you spouse has ever committed against you…and never let them forget it? Do you keep track of who does more household chores, who’s turn is it, or who did it last? If these sound like you, you may be slowly draining the love out of your marriage by keeping track of the “score” in your relationship.
Fault Finder–Does he load the dishwasher wrong? Does he put the diapers on wrong? Does she drive the car wrong? Does she mow the grass wrong? Do you pick your partner to death wanting them to do a certain thing…and then when they do it, tell them every little thing they did “wrong” because they didn’t do it your way? Then you are a fault finder, and you find are not so slowly draining the love out of your spouse’s heart. Their way is JUST as legitimate as your way!
Controlling–This one is a hard one to define, but let’s put it this way: is your spouse free to say “no” and not be punished for the rest of the marriage? Is your spouse viewed as an equal partner who’s opinion and preferences are just as valid as your own? Do you try to “MAKE” your spouse do something by manipulating them, what they know, their schedule, who they “can or can not” talk to, or what they “can or can not” do? If you are trying to force your spouse to do things they do not want to do, or do not view your spouse with exactly the same power as you have in your marriage, then you may be “controlling” and you may be putting out the fire of passion in their heart.
Bottomless Pit–Are you so continuously NEEDY for emotional support or approval or reassurance that you are clingy and strangling your partner, emotionally? Do you lack self-love and force your partner to “say it ” or “prove their love” over and over even though they already HAVE proven their commitment? Or alternatively, do you ask your spouse to give and give and give and give…and never think of their needs? Have you heard your spouse say “enough is never enough” and no matter what they do, they never ever please you or make you happy? Then you are a Bottomless Pit and that kind of behavior is going to extinguish the love in your marriage.

Over this month, we will be going “Back to School” by going over all our Basic Concepts. Last week we examined the Love Kindlers–this week the Love Extinguishers. During the third week of September we’ll look at the Seven Steps to End an Affair, and for the last week of the month, we’ll review the Seven Steps to Rebuilding After an Affair. We hope you’ll join us on this journey to get “Back to the Basics”!!

Love Contemplation No.4 Indifference and neglect (contemplatinglove.com)
Back to Basics – Love Kindlers #7 Security Commitment ~AND~ Save Our Marriage Saturday (affaircare.com)

Today is the start of our month-long “Back to School–Back to Basics” series and this week we’ll be going over the seven Love Kindlers. To understand what a Love Kindler is, you could read the Basic Concepts article to get a more indepth explanation. Briefly, to help you envision the idea, think of your marriage like a campfire. There are actions that can quench the fire of love, and those actions are Love Extinguishers. BUT there are also actions that stoke the fire of love and make it hotter–those are Love Kindlers. When you make the decision to love, you choose to act in a way that is likely to kindle feelings of interest and passion; so you decide to act in a Love Kindling way.

Today, stoke the blaze of passion and love in your marriage today, the first Love Kindler is: Emotional Commitment! This kindler involves meeting your spouse’s need to be:

Loved–handled with their best interests in mind; with deep affection and loyalty.
Valued–considered to be important and very precious.
Respected–admired deeply as a result of their qualities.
Trusted–having their reliability, truth, and ability believed.*
Accepted–fully known and still viewed with approval and favor.
Appreciated–their quality, significance, and regard are recognized.
Treated with Affection–behaved toward with gentle feelings of fondness, care and devotion.
Admired–regarded with respect and warm approval; looked at with pleasure.
Understood–take the time to know them, accept them for who they are, and learn all about them!

At first glance this can seem like quite a daunting task, but let me simply this kindler for you. Remember when you first met your spouse? Maybe not right away, but gradually as time went by you began to think of them, and when you did…you smiled. Thoughts of them were positive. You LIKED them. You enjoyed their company and thought spending time focusing on them was valuable. You thought of them highly and appreciated the little things they did for you. You didn’t want them to change or be who they weren’t because you found them valuable and interesting. THAT is the “Emotional” part of Love Kindler #1 Emotional Commitment.

The “Commitment” part of Love Kindler #1 Emotional Commitment is that as married people we have made a promise to our spouse. We promised to love them through the ups and downs of whatever life threw at us, and we all know that life does throw us some curveballs! So when you are thinking to yourself: “I did not sign up for this! I did not marry a man (or a woman) who….” I say stop right there. Yes you did. You made a covenant before your families and God to love this person through ALL the circumstances of life…not just for “better, richer, and health”! You made a vow–which is a COMMITMENT– love and honor your spouse and forsake all others even through “better OR WORSE…richer OR POORER…SICKNESS and health.” So the “Commitment” part of Love Kindler #1 Emotional Commitment is to honor that promise. Learn about your spouse and what “loving” means to them. Treat them in a way that thinks of what THEY need…not what’s in it for you. And take the time to love, value, respect, trust*, accept, appreciate, admire, understand and treat them with affection!

Over this month, we will be going “Back to School” by going over all our Basic Concepts. This week we will examine the Love Kindlers–next week the Love Extinguishers. During the third week of September we’ll look at the Seven Steps to End an Affair, and for the last week of the month, we’ll review the Seven Steps to Rebuilding After an Affair. We hope you’ll join us on this journey to get “Back to the Basics”!!

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* A note about trust. When I use that word here, I do not mean “blind trust.” I mean trusting a person when they are trust worthy–when their words and actions match and when they have behaved in a way that is worthy of believing in them. When a spouse is lying, and when they are not acting in a way that is worthy of trust, it is naive to “trust” them and verging on denial!