Tag Archives: Save Your Marriage

Reconciliation Tool #2: Five Love Languages [Podcast]

Your spouse had an affair. You followed the steps to end the affair, and now you and your spouse have made the decision to try to save your marriage and recover.  You listened to our series about Recovering After an Affair.  But now you want to learn more about the tools you can use to help you reconcile (the final step).

Today we continue our five-week series all about the Reconciliation tools, how to use them, and why they are helpful.  Although  there is no guarantee your marriage will be saved, but these tools can help you build a new, more healthy marriage.

In today’s episode we talk about the second tool–the Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman.

The first love language is Words of Affirmation. If this is your love language, you feel most cared for when your partner is open and expressive in telling you how wonderful they think you are, how much they appreciate you, etc.  If your spouse’s primary love language is words of affirmation, your spoken praise and appreciation will fall like rain on parched soil. Before long, you will see new life sprouting in your marriage as your spouse responds to your words of love.

The second love language is Acts of Service. Do you remember the old saying, “Actions speak louder than words”? For some people, that is particularly true of love. If your partner offering to watch the kids so you can go to the gym (or relieving you of some other task) gets your heart going, then this is your love language.  If acts of service is your spouse’s primary love language, nothing will speak more deeply to him or her emotionally than simple acts of service.

The third love language is Receiving Gifts.  In every society throughout human history, gift giving has been perceived as an expression of love. Giving gifts is universal, because there is something inside the human psyche that says if you love someone, you will give to him or her.  If your partner taking the time to give you a gift makes you feel appreciated. then this is your love language.  If receiving gifts is your spouse’s primary love language, you will make your spouse feel loved and treasured by giving gifts on birthdays, holidays, anniversaries and “no occasion” days.

The fourth love language is Quality Time. This love language is about being together, fully present and engaged in the activity at hand, no matter how trivial. If you walk in on your spouse watching TV, and they immediately put the television on mute and don’t take their eyes off you as long as you’re in the room, and that makes your heart skip a beat…this is your love language. If your spouse’s love language is quality time, giving him or her your undivided attention is one of the best ways you can show your love.

The fifth love language is Physical Touch. This love language is just as it sounds. A warm hug, a kiss, touch, and sexual intimacy make you feel most loved when this is your love language. If physical touch is your spouse’s primary love language, nothing communicates love more clearly than for you to take the initiative to reach out and touch your mate.

You can find links to the Five Love Languages Quiz on our Affaircare Quizzes page, or just click here to go directly to the test.

Here is a link to the Five Love Languages wikipedia page, so you can learn more about it.

Once both you and your spouse have determined your love languages, take the time to share your with each other, and look up your spouse’s love language.  Does it sound like them? Ask them for examples–remember even those who have the same love language may not interpret it the same!  Learn about what makes your spouse tick!

After last week’s discovery that your spouse is not the same as you, discovering the ways in which your personalities the same can give you an intial foundation on which you can begin to rebuild. Learning your spouse’s Love Language can add another layer to your foundation–discover how they “hear” and receive LOVE.  As a couple working to recover after an affair, finding out the ways in which you two are different MAY explain why “he” behaves one way and “she” behaves another.   If you UNDERSTAND each other, you begin to build love.

[audio: https://s3.amazonaws.com/affaircare-podcast/2016/Reconciliation+Tools-Five+Love+Languages.mp3]

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Other podcasts in the Reconciliation Tools series:

The Recovering After an Affair Series:

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Who do men and women have affairs with? Why do they have affairs?

An interesting infographic based on a poll, conducted by YouGov on behalf of The Sun:

affairs_3322099b

Women have their affairs with “friends” (55%) and with work colleagues (32%).

Men have their affairs with work colleagues (45%), “friends” (32%) and strangers (28%)!

affairs3

According to the same poll, women have their affairs almost equally becasue they felt flattered by the attention and because they felt emotionally disconnected in their marriage!

Men have their affairs pretty equally for three reasons: flattered by the attention, emotionally disconnected in their marriage, and dissatisfied with their sex life in their marriage.

What can we learn about infidelity from this poll?

Recovering After an Affair: Commitment [Podcast]

You’ve found evidence that proves there is an affair. You’ve done all the steps to end the affair, and now you and your disloyal spouse have made the decision to try to reconcile. WHAT DO YOU DO!!!???

Today we continue the final week of our Basic Concepts series: Recovering After an Affair. In today’s episode we discuss the first thing you truly need to understand to begin recovering–commitment.

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kPOg-Mj44og&feature=youtu.be]

The verse that Affaircare is built upon is all about commitment: “…Whatever your lips utter you must be sure to do, because you made your vow freely to the LORD your God with your own mouth…” – Deuteronomy 23:23

We believe that commitment is an intellectual exercise and not a feeling–just like love. It starts with a conscious decision you make. You decide to take a particular course of action over and against some other course of action because you are obligated. For example in the marriage commitment, you make a vow to choose a loving course of action toward your spouse for life.

Now usually you choose to marry someone because they make you happy. You are pursuing happiness and being with him or her makes you happy. The two paths of “happiness” and “being with them” seem to run parallel or are merged into one path! But what happens when the paths diverge and go in different directions?

Troubles occur when the commitment to happiness is prioritized above the commitment to the marriage. This is exactly the thing that often leads couples down the path to infidelity: when one partner is looking and looking for “what makes them happy” and their marriage is in a rut so it doesn’t “make them feel happy.” They allow their emotions to guide their decisions… “it FEELS good so I’m doing this…” rather than choosing to create happiness in their marriage or choosing to look for the happy things they do have within their marriage.

Our new program, “90 Days to Save Your Marriage and Save You” will teach you and how your spouse how to recover after infidelity. We will be focusing on Commitment and discussing what TRUE commitment is (we have it almost exactly backward), how to get the two paths of commitment to marriage and happiness to come back together again, and how to make PRO-active choices rather than RE-active decisions. To introduce our new program, we are reviewing our Basic Concepts all month!  Request more info about our new program HERE!!

[audio: https://s3.amazonaws.com/affaircare-podcast/Commitment.mp3]

Recovering After an Affair: Pre-Reconcilliation [Podcast]

You’ve found evidence that proves there is an affair. You’ve done all the steps to end the affair, and now you and your disloyal spouse have made the decision to try to reconcile.  WHAT DO YOU DO!!!???

Today we begin the final week of our Basic Concepts series: Recovering After an Affair.  There are specific steps you can take to slowly, one-step upon the previous, build a whole new, healthy marriage.  There is no guarantee your marriage will recover, but these steps will give you the best opportunity to recover after the affair ends.

In today’s episode we discuss the things that need to be in place BEFORE you can even begin reconciling:

1) No Contact with the Affair Partner
2) Transparent Honesty
3) Agreement by BOTH spouses to work on yourself and the marriage.

Use the Sample No-Contact Letters that you can find here: http://affaircare.com/articles/sample-consequences-letters/

Our new program, “90 Days to Save Your Marriage and Save You” will teach you and how your spouse how to recover after infidelity. To introduce our new program, I’m reviewing our Basic Concepts all month!

 

[audio: https://s3.amazonaws.com/affaircare-podcast/PreReconcilliation.mp3]

Steps to End an Affair: Consequences – Legal Separation [Podcast]

You’ve found evidence that proves there is an affair. You’ve confronted your spouse, disclosed it to a trusted mentor, and exposed the affair. You’ve dangled the tempting carrot and applied the stick….NOW what should you do?

Today we are finishing the Steps to End an Affair portion of our Basic Concepts. There are specific steps you can take if you have reason to believe your spouse may be unfaithful. There is no guarantee your marriage will recover, but these steps will give you the best opportunity to recover after the affair ends.

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lmDMmbU5TJg&feature=youtu.be]

In today’s episode we discuss the Consequences Phase and the last option: Legal Separation. Use the Sample Consequences Letters that you can find here: http://affaircare.com/articles/sample-consequences-letters/ and end all contact with your disloyal spouse as long as they continue their affair. Let them have a good taste of what the cost of divorce will be and what it will be like to not have you in their life. Also, don’t give them the opportunity to blame you for their own choices and thus deflect responsibility. If they STILL harden their heart and will not end the affair, the best you can do is protect the marital assets and the marital home legally and try to wait it out. Make sure that a court of law enforces things like supporting the children and visitation and custody so that you are not “the bad guy.” There’s still hope, and time is on your side if you can be patient.

Our new program, “90 Days to Save Your Marriage and Save You” will teach you and how your spouse how to recover after infidelity. To introduce our new program, I’m reviewing our Basic Concepts all month!

 

[audio: https://s3.amazonaws.com/affaircare-podcast/Consequences-LegalSeparation.mp4]

Steps to End an Affair: Gather Evidence [Podcast]

You’ve suspected for a while that something is not right between you and your spouse. Whatever the reasons, you had a sneaking suspicion that they may be having an affair… What should you do?

Today we are starting a new portion of our Basic Concepts: Steps to End an Affair. There are specific steps you can take if you have reason to believe your spouse may be unfaithful. There is no guarantee your marriage will recover, but these steps will give you the best opportunity to recover after the affair ends.

In today’s episode we discuss the first step: Gathering Evidence. After all you want to know the truth, no matter what that may be, so you can face it head on. You want to know if you’re just acting jealously or if there really is something going on! And in this episode we discuss both high-tech and low-tech options for investigating and finding out the truth!

Our new program, “90 Days to Save Your Marriage and Save You” will teach you and how your spouse how to recover after infidelity. To introduce our new program, I’m reviewing our Basic Concepts all month!

 

[audio: https://s3.amazonaws.com/affaircare-podcast/Gather-Evidence.mp4]