Tag Archives: Wife

7 Reasons Why You May Want to Spy If You Suspect Your Spouse is Cheating!

1.  To protect yourself mentally.  Chances are good that you have suspected for a while, and yet your spouse has denied it, or maybe even accused you of “having trust issues” or “having jealousy issues.”  But what you are observing and what you are being told do NOT match and your gut is screaming out to you that something is wrong.  If you spy and discover proof of an affair, you’ll know that you can TRUST YOURSELF.  You are NOT CRAZY!

2.  Protect yourself medically.  If your spouse is involved in a physical affair, they may be exposing you to sexually transmitted diseases without your knowledge, and if you do not know you are exposed, you may not ever talk about or seek medical treatment!

3.  To protect yourself emotionally.  In an attempt to justify their affair, disloyal spouse’s often blameshift and re-write marital history to make the loyal spouse “the bad guy.”  You may find yourself doubting your value, doubting your attractiveness and questioning whether or not you  are responsible for your spouse’s unfaithfulness.  Spying can help answer your questions about responsibility and may be a way to prove what did or did not happen and when.

4.  To protect yourself financially.  The fact of the matter is that affairs cost money!  Usually the disloyal spouse will use either the loyal spouse’s money or money that is designated for the family to finance the cost of adultery.  So in order to be fully informed and make wise decisions about your own money and the money to support your children, you may need to spy, and then make moves to protect your assets.

5.  To protect yourself spiritually.  You want to spy because you don’t want to live with a secret. You want to feel the freeing power of the exposed secret and the opportunity it offers for healing, resolution, a rich relationship and a productive life.

6.  To protect yourself legally. Unfortunately, infidelity can lead to the demise of marital relationships.  Your disloyal spouse may try to throw you out of the house, get custody of the children, or file for a restraining order  against you in order to force you out.  If you suspect this to be true for your situation you will want to protect yourself legally.


7.  It’s the most loving thing to do.  Carrying on a double life, keeping secrets, and lying is damaging to a person, and it will harm your spouse.  It is the most loving thing you can do to bring them back to a life of honesty and facing the truth, no matter how painful the truth is.

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The Alabaster Jar

Back to Basics–Love Kindlers #4 Financial Commitment

We are continuing our month-long “Back to School–Back to Basics” series and this week we’ll be going over the seven Love Kindlers.  To understand what a Love Kindler is, you could read the Basic Concepts article to get a more indepth explanation.  Briefly, to help you envision the idea, think of your marriage like a campfire. There are actions that can quench the fire of love, and those actions are Love Extinguishers.  BUT there are also actions that stoke the fire of love and make it hotter–those are Love Kindlers.  When you make the decision to love, you choose to act in a way that is likely to kindle feelings of interest and passion; so you decide to act in a Love Kindling way.

Today the third Love Kindler to stoke the blaze of passion and love in your marriage today  is:  Financial Commitment!  Financial Commitment is meeting your spouse’s monetary needs:

  • Providing financially for the family and children
  • Able to pay monthly bills
  • Living a lifestyle that’s mutually acceptable to both of you
  • Contributing to family income
  • Contributing to paying off family debt
  • Able to plan for future financial stability
  • Living by a budget

It’s a perpetual debate really: women say that “men only want me for my looks (or my body)” and men say that “women only want me for my wallet.”  The funny thing is…both sides are correct, and neither side is shallow because of it.  People do “fall-in-love,” and the blaze of love keeps burning brightly, when the things that kindled the love in the first place are ongoing.  So for example, when he was young and looking for a girl, chances are good he was looking for someone whom he thought was attractive: with pretty hair, nice eyes, a warm smile, make up that made her look even more pretty, a clean body with a good smell, and clothing that fit well and complimented her figure!  But likewise, when she was young and pretty and looking for a nice young man, part of what attracted her to a certain fella was the fact that he was able to “pay for the date” or get her gifts.  She may have considered whether he was training in a profession that would likely provide some security for her and whatever family they might choose to have as a couple.  The idea that she and her children would likely be secure was PART of what made her “fall in love” with that very young, nerdy guy!

In the same way that it’s not shallow for a husband to want his wife to stay attractive, dress well, keep herself clean and physically fit…it is not shallow for a wife to want her husband to keep their family FINANCIALLY fit, living a lifestyle to which they agree, not put them into debt and financial ruin.  And it is just as reasonable for a husband to want his wife to contribute financially, either by working herself OR by living within a budget, not overspending, not living beyond their means, and managing the household in a way that is appropriate to their financial reality!

The classic financial collision occurs when the wife is complaining about needing more money and overspending–that is to say, she is living beyond their means and demanding more, More, MORE—but then also complaining that he is always at work and never spends any time with her.  Ladies, here it is in a nutshell: if you want him to spend more time with you that is absolutely reasonable, but … that means he will be working LESS, and you are going to have to discipline yourself to live WITHIN THE BUDGET!  You’ll have to do “without” the dinners out and the trips/vacations…but the payoff is that he will be there with you paying attention and enjoying your company.  So which is worth more to you?  Pick ONE and then be content with the consequence of your choice.

Likewise, if your wife met and fell in love with you because you were a decent, middle-management, white-collar kind of guy…then don’t be surprised when her love dies QUICKLY when you are unemployed and for three years don’t even look for a job and don’t contribute to the household!  The economy is rough these days, and not everyone who loses a job finds one right away, even if they look every day and look hard!  But if you sit around in your sweats and play Xbox all day, don’t care for the children, and let the household chores go ignored while she has to “do it all”–you are setting your marriage up for destruction, and it’s because of a lack of Financial Commitment.

Over this month, we will be going “Back to School” by going over all our Basic Concepts.   This week we will examine the Love Kindlers–next week the Love Extinguishers.  During the third week of September we’ll look at the Seven Steps to End an Affair, and for the last week of the month, we’ll review the Seven Steps to Rebuilding After an Affair.  We hope you’ll join us on this journey to get “Back to the Basics”!!

“Respect my authoritay!”

Day Eleven:

Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.” Eph. 5:22

Women who are constantly negative toward their husbands – especially by speaking evil of them to others – show great disrespect. Determine not to do that today (or ever!). This challenge to encourage is closely connected to submission.

Men respond to women who respect them. What do you respect about your husband? Part of that respect includes submission to his authority. Let your husband know how respecting him makes it easier to submit to his leadership. Show your respect in public by listening to him and smiling at him when he speaks. Place your hand in his as you walk together.</span?
If you feel there is nothing to respect, search harder …nearly every man has some core characteristic that can be nurtured and respected. In any case, you must still cultivate a submissive spirit to his position of leadership…”as to the Lord.”

By Nancy Leigh DeMoss
Published by Revive Our Hearts, © 2005. Permission granted to photocopy in the exact form, including copyright. All other uses require written permission.
Revive Our Hearts * P.O. Box 2000, Niles, MI 49120 * www.ReviveOurHearts.com 

A lot has already been written about husbands, wives and submission.  All too often the wives resist it–and all too often the husbands sound like Cartman saying “You will respect my authoritay!”  Rather than rehash it all here, I hope to put it into a new perspective for this challenge.

It is crystal clear in the Bible that God has told wives to submit to their husbands.   Ephesians 5:22, Colossian 3:18, and I Peter 3:1 are all explicit so that there really is not a question of whether wives should or should not submit to their husbands.  It’s also clear that there are not prerequisites there, such as “Submit to your husband if he deserves it” or “Submit to your husband if you agree with him.”  Nope it’s not a suggestion–it’s a requirement.

In fact it is my understanding that the Greek word used for “submit” in all of those verses says it in an indicative tense.  That means that rather than it being an imperative (like “You Shall…”)  it is an indication of what already exists (like “You Are…”) .  Thus the verses don’t say “Wives…you are commanded to submit to your husbands and you have to actively choose to obey that commandment” but rather “Wives…you are in the state of being under the authority of your husband.  This is your state of being–submission.”  Thus, we can rebel against it all we want and stubbornly refuse, but we just are not the leaders in our homes–we ARE in submission to our husbands.  Whether he is good at it or bad at it, he is the federal head and we are not.

How does this relate to our challenge?  Well as a wife living day-in and day-out with a man when he is ill, when he is tired, when he is not at his best … all too often we can see that side and begin to lose respect for him.  Rather than seeing him as the man who helps others, works hard, attends church and studies God’s word, we begin to see him as the man who postpones chores he doesn’t like, who is short-tempered with the kids, or who leaves his jeans in the middle of the floor.

This challenge is a reminder to us to respect our husbands in two ways.  First, we need to remember his position.  He IS the federal head of our family and as such he is owed the respect of being the head.  Don’t forget his position!  Second, when we see him at his “less than finer” moments we need to remind ourselves of the things he does that are worthy of respect.  Don’t let those outside your family heap respect on your husband when he doesn’t get the same in his own home.  Take a moment today and remember the things he does and purposely remind yourself of those characteristics that are worthy of respect.

A warrior for godly marriages

It is an exhausting position to be on the front lines of the battle for marriages, especially as a pro-marriage coach this day-and-age.  Unfortunately we live in an era that has not taught people how to be married or how to honor their promises.  Doing what “makes you feel good” is considered noble, and the pursuit of happiness is put ahead of doing the right thing.  To me, it sometimes feels as if we are swimming upstream, trying to teach couples one thing while Hollywood, the news, and the media are telling them that infidelity is in our DNA or that marriage is becoming obsolete!  

Being a marriage coach is not a popular career.  There are lots of people out there committing adultery, having emotional affairs, or being financially unfaithful…and our job as coaches is to identify where they are today (no matter how ugly the truth may be), help them identify where they want to be, develop steps to get to where they want to be, and then hold them accountable for actually doing the work!  People feel good when they are unfaithful so they don’t want it pointed out to them that it’s wrong and they should stop.  Other people don’t like the idea that we’re not licensed by the state (like a PhD or a LCSW), but as life coaches and nouthetic counselors, our credentiasl are in biblical marriage and reconciliation!  What we suggest usually is personal responsibility and some people would rather “blame someone else” than to have to look at themselves.  Doing the work to repair the damage is hard work, and most people would rather have the easy way out or have a microwave mentality.  The list goes on and on!  Everywhere we turn there is some resistance, some stumbling block, some temptation in our path to take us off course and off the focus of helping people reconcile their marriages. 

When I first began helping people back in 1999-2000 when my ex-husband left me and I was just learning myself, I knew then that it was absolutely my lifelong passion to work in this field.  I have been learning all I can ever since then, and knowing my personality type, I knew that it would be hard to hear of broken marriages and not “bring it home with me”–I actually care!  I am so grateful that my Dear Hubby joins me in this passion, and together we have gone through training and studied together.  We knew that there would be professional disagreement in methodology or differences of opinion–especially since the biblical view is being more and more watered down even in our churches!  But we did not know there would be daily skirmishes trying to get us off the straight and narrow track of showing people what the Bible says about marriage, encouraging them to obey God and do what He wants them to do, and teaching people “marriage basics” like husbands love your wives and wives respect your husbands.   

For that battle–the battle to keep our focus and keep coming back to helping the couples and speaking the Word of God plainly–we covet your prayers.  We need to keep reminding ourselves of the whole armor of God (Eph. 6) which will protect us from this onslaught–and we need to keep sharp “…the sword of the Spirit, which is the Word of God.” (Eph. 6:17b)  And with the psalmist we pray: “Lead me, O LORD, in thy righteousness because of mine enemies; make thy way straight before my face.”(Psalms:5:8)